If cats could only sue.....

Dear George,

My name is Ross and I was adopted as a kitten from a Humane Society. I travelled the world (two blocks around my house) and now, I’m studying to become a lawyer! Look at my sharp eyes! Can you see “the judge” in me?

So, dear George, if you continue to have problems with your lovely, but sneaky secretary just let me know! You can sue her and I can represent you! I’m really good in “criminal code”. THAT will put an end to her mischief!

So, what do you say?

Law abiding

Ross

Dear Ross,

I like the idea. I really do. Of course, it is obvious to us cats that we should have locus standi or legal standing in human courts. Only in that way could we, or any other animals, have any chance of ending human cruelty, neglect and exploitation. Only in that way could our current inadequate legal protections be properly enforced.

This idea has been put forward by Harvard Law Professor Cass R. Sunstein in a paper titled The Rights of Animals: A Very Short Primer. You can get the full document at http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=323661 It's worth reading. He is a friend of President Obama, (who has shown a regrettable preference for dogs).

We cats would still need human representation at court (human judges being too stupid to understand us) but at least the point would be made that the victim is allowed access to justice. Like slaves we have no rights at all in the eyes of human law. At the moment there is no justice for animals except when various humane societies bring a court case. In deciding whether to do this, these organisations naturally take into account not just the nature of the crime but also whether they have the funds etc. If we could sue direct, all we would need to do would be to purrsuade one single human, rather than an organisation, to put up the money for the case.

One other point. Should humans have locus standi in feline courts? I think not. I do not think they have the intellectual capacity to understand what is going on.

Now let us turn to Celia, my erring secretary who has stolen my ideas and put them into a book, Cats Behaving Badly. This would be a question of copyright law, rather than cruelty or welfare law. In the UK courts to be successful I should have to prove she had stolen, not my concepts but my very words. I consider it might not succeed.

Besides, she is my pet. I love her even though she is maddeningly stupid, unreliable, a poor servant, and more or less bald. She can't help it. She really can't.

Yours with mixed feelings

George

PS. Cynical cats have told me that they think this is just human lawyers thinking up new ways to make money.

I may be old but I need a home

Dear George,
Help me find a new home. Nobody wants me because I am old. I've been in my cat chalet for months and months waiting for that special person but nobody even gives me a second look. OK so I am a bit thin but I have wonderful golden ginger, white and black colouring. I am friendly and kind too even though I don't want to live with young children or dogs. It's better here than it was on the streets. They just dumped me, probably because I was ill with a thyroid disorder and they couldn't afford the vet bills. Being thrown away at the age of 10 and trying to struggle to survive without shelter or food is rough. Believe me, George, that was the lowest point in my life. Now I've got food and shelter with West Oxon Cats Protection but it is only half a life. Can you put in a word for the elderly?
Vera.

Dear Vera,
Some human beings are the lowest animals in nature. Real low life. Chucking out an elderly cat because she is ill has to be an example of really vile behaviour. Luckily you have survived and, though it's not enough, you have shelter and food and the kindess of your foster mother Dorothy.
Alas, there are too many cats like you. Click on any of the Cats Protection branches and shelters, and it's clear that kittens are adopted first, then handsome younger cats, and then, right at the end of the queue, old cats. Old cats don't want very much - somewhere quiet to live with warm fires and good food. Sometimes the charity concerned will even pay their vet bills. So they are not an expensive pet.
In return they give unchanging love and loyalty. Elderly cats will purr on the bed, stretch out under the radiators, take a sleepy but intelligent interest in the TV, and generally be company in the house. They are ideal pets for people who don't have a garden because they don't want to spend hours outside chasing mice.
So, Vera, hang on in there. You may be old but you sure are elegant with those lovely markings. At least in the UK we have no-kill animal shelters so you are safe where you are. My secretary, Celia, feels a special sympathy for you as she is caring for an elderly husband, currently very ill in hospital. She is hoping to readopt him when he comes out.
Love George

Cats Behaving Badly - No, No, and No.

Dear George,

We, Cayenne and I, got the book, Cats Behaving Badly, and we LOVE it. Thank you so much! I totally understand if you’ll be upset with us for praising Celia, but the book is excellent. We know Celia stole your ideas but she is a woman of great wit and charm. The book is funny and educational, full of tips and advice.

We loved especially the hilarious real cat stories. I rolled over my back and laughed.

I’m still laughing – as you can see in the picture.

Cayenne liked the most the story about Charlie, the black and white cat with several homes. Smart Charlie! And Celia…..what a team player – she never “spilled the beans” about Charlie’s secret. Kudos to her. I liked the story with the cat that re-homed himself in another village just because he didn’t like the humans. But, I felt bad for the two Siamese cats that had to be re-homed; why people don’t think twice before bringing us home? Humans – not very smart!

George, I really think you should be proud of Celia. After all ….she’s your secretary and her success is your merit. You trained her well. Ah! Lovely picture of you and Celia on the cover.

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

I am not proud of her. I am boiling with rage. I particularly loathe the title. Cats do not behave badly. We behave in natural and appropriate ways when dealing with a low life species like humans. The very idea that we behave badly shows that the woman does not know her place. She appears to think humans can train and manipulate cats, when the opposite is true. Humans behave badly and we cats either outwit or manipulate them. There is no excuse for her sheer ignorance.

I am working hard at my own book. I intend to outwit, outpublish and generally out do her. When my book Obedience Training for Humans is on the best seller list and her pathetic volume is right down the amazon pick of the books list, that'll larn her. She has to learn the simple lesson that ALL cat owner should learn which is we own them, they don't own us. No human has ever truly "owned" a cat.

Worse still she has opened a Facebook group titled Cats Behaving Badly, so that disgusting humans can post photos of us cats doing quite sensible and natural things.

Finally the woman is still failing to secure proper internet access. I have told her I will bring in a live rat for her and she can catch it (if she can) and put it through the letter box of the local business which supplies her ISP. Rat to rats.

Love George

PS. Don't buy this book. I hate to admit it but it may slightly alter the balance of power towards human. I condemn this utterly. I can't stop the woman adding another photo - I tried biting but didn't time it right - so she just ignored it. She is utterly shameless.

Are teenagers a new subspecies of humans?

Dear George,

I am becoming extremely concerned. One of my humans seems to have morphed into a new subspecies. It was a smallish retarded kitten taking years to learn how to walk, then becoming a chubbier version of its parents. But now it has shot up in size and its behaviour has changed. The excessive vocalisation of the normal human has changed to grunts. It has dermatological problems on its face - in a word, zits. And it spends hours in its room playing disgustingly loud music. It is also challenging the adults for a top place in the dominance hierarchy. Is there anything I can do to restore harmony in the home.

Love Riley

Dear Riley,

You have two alternatives - leave home or wait. In view of the fact that it is winter in the UK, I suggest the latter. We cats are good at waiting. We do it at mouseholes in order to get out daily meals if we live in the wild. All humans are retards compared with cats, but the teenager subspecies is particularly retarded. It is as if it has forgotten what it learned as a kitten.

The subspecies also has sex on its mind all the time. Yes, disgusting as it is, all the time. We cats wait till the females come into season before getting the mating urge. Teenagers have it all the time. Some of them call it "romance". But they are completely at the mercy of their hormones. The loud music has something to do with this but feline neuroscientists have not yet discovered exactly what is going on.

Avoid the teenager's territory. The room will probably smell awful anyway - of sweat and old socks if it is a male, or of revolting artificial perfume if it is a female. Why humans choose these overwhelming pheromones is beyond me. But I suppose it is something to do with the fact that they have a very poor sense of smell, poor things. We have about seven times as many olfactory cells and twice the olfactory membrane of Homo sapiens.

Goodness knows, Riley, humans are dumb creatures. But the teenage subspecies is even dumber. Hang on in there till summer

Love George

P.S. I have to stand and mew at Celia while she puts this on via the Orange dongle.

A cry for help from Miss Penelope

Dear George,
I’m writing on behalf of my friend Miss Penelope. She is too shy and embarrassed to post her picture or write herself but, I think she has a problem and I need your advice.
Miss Penelope is a rescue from a local shelter and she was adopted with two other cats. She was ok until one of the cats started “bullying” her. I don’t know if she is scared or has a health problem but lately she stop using the litter box. She “goes” in most unusual places through the house.
What it is very unusual ….she kind of peeing standing! Her human is worried that she might have some health problem even if all tests came back normal. Did you ever hear of a cat peeing standing? Can this be a health issue? May be some lower back problems? Hips? What do you think?
Many thanks & love Cat Victoria

Dear Victoria
I think Miss Penelope is trying to tell her human that she is very very anxious. Standing up to pee is the way we cats mark our territory rather than just relieving ourselves. This is scentmarking and it's rather like a post-it note to ourselves to tell us that something worrying is round this particular corner. My friend William used to do it against a box tree (they smell like cat pee to a cat) and also at the corner of the field where the foxes would come past on their way to hunt rabbits. It reminded him to take care.
We mark our territory when we think it is under attack or when we are feeling anxious about it. So if our stupid humans punish us, we get even more anxious and mark even more. Also once we have marked, we top up the place to keep our scent there up to date. The smell reminds us. So does the smell of disinfectant put down by humans. Disinfectant smells just like cat pee to us. My secretary Celia tells me that instruction on how to clean up cat pee, and a list of reasons why cats get stressed is on her website at www.celiahaddon.com
If Miss Penelope is not getting on with the other cats, she needs help. We are not human. Humans are absurdly social - they eat together and spend time together. Most of them like being near other humans - pubs, parties, holidays, hobbies etc. But it takes between 3- 6 months for most cats to settle into a group. We cats deal with social problems by spacing, keeping a decent distance between each other.
So her human can help her by making sure there are plenty of cat beds, that food is put down at at least two locations (a tea-tray with food can be put in the bedroom), that there is at least one litter tray per cat. Don't just put the litter trays in one location - there should be at least two locations. The idea is that cats can do all the things they need to do - eat, sleep and eliminate - without having to come close to each other. Miss Penelope needs to feel safe from the bully.
If she is being severely bullied - wounds, fur everywhere etc - she may just need to live in a separate part of the house. A Petporte cat flap into a room of her own might help. Some of us are really anti-social and just are natural loners. There's more on Celia's website about that too. Or in that ridiculous book of hers.
If only we could purrsuade humans to think cat, rather than to assume that we will like the same things as us.
Love George
PS. My secretary is trying to make a Facebook group titled Cats behaving badly but so far she has made a group but nobody seems able to join it. What is she doing wrong? Answers to her on Facebook please or via the website www.celiahaddon.com

My not-so-new new cat house

Dear George,

I can not stop laughing at how silly humans can be! The other night I heard my “people” talk about buying some new furniture and getting rid of my old cat house (since ….dah! it is that old! stupid!)

I heard my daddy saying that he’s going to throw away the cat house!

What? Is he crazy? First of all…..this is not his house, it is mine! Then, I heard my “mommy” saying “don’t through it away, just leave it outside - what if they want to go inside”? I could not believe when I heard him saying “what for? They never got into this house”. Hey, buddy! You just made my day!

SOOOOOO! The minute he took the cat house outside …..I “jumped” in and start purring

and …..slept in the house all day”– as you can see in this photo.

I and Cayenne take turns at sleeping in the house outside!

Now, guess what! We have a cat house inside and a cat house outside…and I’m looking for many more to come J))

But, George….I still feel like punishing my daddy! What should I do?

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

Congratulations on a very effective way of teasing your human. We cats can do this for almost every kind of cat equipment and the more expensive it is the better. A new and costly item appears in the house - a cat basket, a cat bed, a cat house, a mouse toy, a cat gymnasium....

The classic feline tease goes like this. Stalk over to the new item and inspect it carefully. Sneer. Sneer again. Walk away with an offended and lofty air and refuse to go near it. Ignore all maladroit human attempts either to stuff you in it (scratch) or to lure you in with food (wait till they have left the house to retrieve the cat biscuits!).

Stage two is to find something old and shabby. Use that instead. Sit in the fruit basket, the laundry container, the discarded computer box, instead of the new cat house. Play with a dessicated pea which was dropped on the kitchen floor, or with old newspapers, or discarded paper clips instead of the expensive new toy.

Wait. All cats can outwait all humans. Wait for months if necessary.

Then - when you hear them discussing getting rid of the by-now-not-so-new item - whisk inside it. Play with it furiously. And watch their amazement and irritation. A simple game for a simple species (not us, but them).

You have outwitted him already, Fluffy. But what about punishing him by sitting on his head when he is trying to sleep at night? Or just wake him at 3 am by chasing an imaginary mouse (originally she mistyped this as house) over his body.

Love George

PS. Human secretary says ISP access still unreliable. I say human is unreliable.

My journey from victim of dysfunctional home to human trainer

Dear George,
I am on the brink of becoming a human trainer and I am eventually aiming to become a human behaviour counsellor like you with a B Sc in applied human behaviour. But learning about this species and putting the information into effect is a very steep learning curve for a cat who started life in a three-walled shed with an upturned dustbin full of straw as a home. The next 18 months in West Oxon Cats Protection gave me proper health care and regular meals, but I became disillusioned with the humans who came and stared at me, and my pen mate, Mini. I simply didn't want to adopt any of them. All of them preferred Mini and they would make wounding remarks about my dark fur and ugly looks as if I couldn't understand what they were saying.
Eventually I got so desperate that I settled on your secretary, Celia. I took over the two spare bedrooms and just lived under one of the beds for two months, emerging to use the litter tray in the other bedroom, and sometimes exploring the house at night. I didn't much care for Celia until by sheer chance I discovered I could train her to tickle my tummy. I have trained her to do this for half an hour at a time. But the woman wants to pick me up? How can I stop her doing this?
Yours anxiously
Miss Tilly Purr.

Dear Tilly,
A strong wriggle usually deals with the picking up obsession - an obsession shared by many humans. You have to understand - as your further education in human behaviour will help - that this species is desperate for our love. They are naked, awkward, and cat dependant. They seek the high of a cat cuddle and will go to any lengths to get it. These are human cat addicts. They can't help it. They are people who love cats too much.
If a wriggle doesn't work, try an Miaow rebuke. If that is not enough to deter her, scratch. If further measures are needed, bite. If the human holds you high up, go for the nose. It is an exquisitely sensitive organ (though hopeless for smelling) and a sharp nip there will really hurt.
Personally I am out of all patience with my secretary. She got above herself and has been writing a book about cats. That is my job. I am the writer in the relationship but I fear her envious nature has prompted her to try to ruin my literary career. Worse still, I have only completed two chapters of my book while hers is now in the book shops.
She has stolen my title. The working title was Humans Behaving Badly. Heaven knows, they do. Now I shall have to think of something else. I am considering stealing her thunder by using a picture of a naked human splayed across the floor in the same way as the kitten is on her book.
All in all I am in a very bad mood with her. I suggest you use strong measures and perhaps together we can put her in her place. Let's miaow, scratch, bite, and sneer as much as possible.
George

How on earth can we get proper service?

Dear George,
I read your comments about your secretary's lack of efficiency with true fellow feeling. I have been very disillusioned by my humans' inadequate care taking. They are butler and housekeeper to me but are failing in their tasks. The food is not good - mostly supermarket special offers. I don't appreciate being fed cheap food. They have failed to fix the weather so that I have to go hunting in appalling conditions of rain and wind. And the butler has stopped opening the door for me in bad weather (just when I need to hover in the doorway deciding whether to go out). He claims I should use the cat flap.Worst of all, I overhead them talking of getting another cat. I am considering terminating their employment by finding a new home. There is a promising old lady down the road. She's not as rich as they are, but she looks the type to buy me the best even if it means she has to eat cheap human offers herself.
Yours disgustedly
Gorgeous Ginger.

Dear Ginger,
Staff are always a difficulty. The below-stairs species (to borrow a metaphore from Downton Abbey) really can't think like we do. They just don't have the education and intelligence. It has always been a mystery to me why humans gorge themselves on exciting meals, different each day of the week, and expect us to eat the same kind of cat biscuits day after day. Moreover, they spend a great deal more on their meals than ours. They eat roast beef or grilled pork chop but where is the fresh roasted mouse or grilled rat for us?

(The difficulties with my secretary have persisted. Today as I was penning (I like the old idea of cat with posh fountain pen in paw) this blog, all contact with the ISP was lost. The helpline merely said "Your call is important to us" and then promptly cut me off. I coudn't even leave an offended MIAOW. Of course, all this is a human invention so one couldn't expect it to work...)
Which brings me to weather. Why can't they fix it. Less time spent simpering on the TV while pointing to ridiculous items that look like poached eggs (sun peeping through a cloud apparently) might help them concentrate on what really matters. We cats like control and we expect our humans to extend this control to the weather. I don't know about you but I find it positively offensive to have to sit at the open door trying to decide if it is worth going out.
That moment, of course, is when proper service by the door person really matters. Yet they object. "Why do I have to open the door for you when you have a perfectly good cat flap" says Ronnie or Celia. Why? Because that is what they are there for. You don't hire a doorkeeper and then expect to have to open the cat door yourself. I like to stroll over to the open door, sit there for a bit possibly with my paws one side and my tail the other, and then look up at the doorkeeper and go back inside. You can see that it riles them!
As for another cat. Why on earth do they think we want another cat?Why should we? Some of us are total loners, and most of us are very suspicious of intruding unknown cats. I get onwith some cats andI don't get on with others. Yet my human tends to think that I would happy with just any old cat. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's an individual thing. We are not promiscuous socialisers like humans. We cats have standards.

Rehome yourself, Ginger. That old lady sounds very promising.

Yours George

Gross negligence by human.

My human secretary has told me she may not be able to blog this week, due to intermittent and serious difficulties with her computer. She claims she took it to hospital for 4 days but it has come out still semi disabled. What a shower these humans are. Always complaining. Always making excuses. I am planning a claw and order campaign. Watch this space. If it works there will be a blog entry this Saturday or Sunday.
George.
PS> This photo is a disgrace. It is HER FAULT.

I want to be alone. These humans don't understand me.

Dear George,
I am really fed up with human beings (apes, Whicky Whudler calls them). They want a cat which fits into their lifestyle and I have just been put back for the second time into cat rescue. The problem is that I swipe at them. They call me aggressive. I'm not. I am just terrified. They keep getting in my face and they expect me to be OK with that. I went back to a new home and the first thing they did on day one was expect to cuddle me. I didn't know these people. So I clawed my way free. Next day I was back here.
Breeze.
PS. ISP troubles mean my photo is late arriving.

Dear Breeze,
This is one of the most difficult bits of owning a human. They just don't understand us. Most of them think we are like dogs - that we will accept being harassed and mauled as if we were stuffed toys. They would be better off getting a Postman Pat toy. It would help it some of them just bought a book... but they think they know it all already. An arrogant species.
My friend Francesca Riccomini (almost, thoug not quite as sensible as a cat) has written a nice easy text for them - with great photos. I don't suppose the rescue shelter where you are will give these away but it might help if they had them on sale. It would make a bit of money for rescue AND educate this pathetically ignorant species. Homo sapiens - wise humans. I don't think so.
Here are some of the things we dislike when we adopt a new human -- instant cuddling without proper foreplay at a suitable distance, suddden new dogs, sudden new cats (we don't like 'em), human kittens that maul us, having to eat close to other cats instead of privacy, having to share litter trays with other cats, litter trays in the wrong place, change of litter, dirty litter boxes (purrlease clean them twice a day), cheap food ... This list could go on forever.
They expect us to put up with a lot and then they moan when we object... Breeze, you need a quiet home with a properly respectful human. See if you can purrsuade her to buy this book as a start.
Love
George.

I need a friend ... j'ai besoin d'un ami

Dear George,

Your blog might be for cats but I kind of like it! Oh, sorry! Let me introduce myself;

my name is Oliver or in French ….Olivier (guess I need an accent aigue somewhere – not sure- just learning French). Recently I moved to Paris (France, of course) with my mommy. She loves my very much but I don’t have too many friends and I get easily bored. When not in Paris, we spend a good amount of time at the farm (near Paris) but I’m not used to village life either. Last week she took me to Louvre. I liked it (I could pee on the pyramid but don’t tell anybody). Next week will be another museum or something! I mean….how much “Louvre”, “turn Eiffel” “Montparnasse” can I take?

George, I think I need a friend. Should I look for another cute, little dog like me or a house rabbit? Do you know of any parks in Paris where dogs meet? May be I’ll meet the love of my life! O la la!

A bientot

Oliver

Dear Olivier,

Museums.... boring, boring, boring. Very few if any mice and those that exist as as poor as church mice, who face equally straightened circumstances. No rabbits to chase. Just lots of square things on the wall with labels Leonardo Da Vinci and the like. (Though Leonardo was fond of cats and some rather nice sketches of felines exist).

A house rabbit has interesting and gastronomic possibilities. Research your French recipes for lapin, then start trying to persuade your human that you need this kind of friend. I have been working on Celia but she says I should content myself with the very many rabbits that live in her garden. She says that when she has evidence that I have palled up with one of these, she will have some house rabbits. She pointed out that finding the half eaten rabbit corpse on her doorstep did not count as evidence of a fully functioning rabbit-cat friendship.

My online friend Samurai Raoul, (I dare not go near him as he chases cats), whose photo is on the right, recommends the Bois de Boulogne as a good place for a walk but you should warn your human about the dress code. It must be modest, otherwise she may be mistaken for certain people (male and female) who sell special services to male customers. And it is not a good place to go at night or when offices close, as this is married man's time, when customers pick up a quickie before catching the train home to their wife and family.

I am going online later today to ask Raoul for more tips on the canine vie Francaise (can't do the accents on this blog). He never goes off lead in the Bois, as his humans are dismayed by his fighting attitude. As a warrior dog, despite his small size, he attacks dogs three times his own size and, like us cats, takes no notice of any human instructions. But other dogs enjoy playing peacefully there.

Glad you peed on the pyramid. Why else would it be there? Such a nice shape with a lot of edges at pee height. Made for leg lifting. I dare say passing felines have sprayed there too.

Love

George

Trouble and strife with my human

Due to a disgraceful failure of duty in my secretary, Celia, there were no posts this weekend. She claims it was due to an ISP failure just before she took four days off. I have told her that she has no right to any time off. As her owner I expect her to be a ready and willing servant at all times. She has now gone on a two day strike, withdrawing her labour under the guise of continuing what she calls a "holiday" for another 48 hours. I told her that cats don't do holidays and they don't expect their humans do to do them either. Posts will resume next Saturday or she will have very badly scratched limbs.
Yours very disgruntedly
George

Of men, rats and ratatouille.

Dear George,

You won’t believe your ears what I’m going to tell you! I really think that “humans” have been somehow “genetically modified” – at least mine!

Can you believe that my humans were watching a movie entitled “Ratatouille”? Watching a movie about vegetarian food is ok since they are vegetarians…but watching a movie about a RAT cooking vegetarian food for people? Phew! Phew! Phew!

Can you believe that actually someone made a movie about a rat cooking this famous veggies stew from Provence (France) and that people (in the movie) were killing themselves to get a bite? And my “humans” were in tears by the end of the movie?

IN TEARS over food cooked by a RAT? Are they genetically modified with rat DNA?

So, I decided to save them – I’m taking cooking classes. Look at me among eggplants and zucchini! I’ll cook them a ratatouille! Any other vegetarian suggestions?

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

As an outdoor cat, my recipe for ratatouille is as follows:

GEORGE'S RATATOUILLE FOR CATS

One young rat.

One mouthful of grass or straw as garnish.

One human scream.

First catch your rat being careful not to pounce on a really big one that will give you a horrendous bite. The grass or straw are the optional garnish, which may go into your mouth as you grab the rat. If not, do not worry. They are not essential. The human scream is. This occurs when you bound through the cat flap with the rat struggling and alive in your mouth. Deposit the rat in the house and watch it climb up vertical walls. It does this splendidly, falling back on to the floor when it reaches the ceiling. Screaming human just makes it very exciting and worthwhile. Eat rat when it becomes exhausted - which may be several hours and a lot of hunting time later.

I have done this several times to great effect. The best time was when the rat litereally ran up the wall, Celia caught it as it fell using a Wellington boot, threw rat and boot into the garden, where I caught up with it. Unfortunately she then spoiled everything by slamming the cat flap shut just before I was bringing it back into the garden. Humans are awful spoilsports.

Love George

PS. I offered her the rats. Thought she might find them tasty. No gratitude at all. However I do not do carry-out or take-away (see comments). In principle, I do not share. The exceptions are offering Celia a rat and allowing her to sleep on my bed even though she takes up a lot of room.

Help! my sister is attacking me!

Dear George,
I'm quite fed up with my sister Cayenne.
I wasn't feeling well the other day so mommy took me to the vet. They did a whole set of tests and thanks God everything is okay.
I came back quite happy to be home but my sister Cayenne doesn't recognize me
She thinks I'm a different cat. Mommy is upset as she's leaving today for 3 weeks to visit her mother. We'll stay home with daddy but what can I do to make Cayenne realize that it is me, Fluffy? Or may be I just should get into a bag (see photo) and go away with mommy? Some advice will help! I'm sure other cats had this problem too.
Love Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
Yes, it is a common problem after a vet's visit. Vets are the most loathed enemies of all cats. They do awful things to us - stick us with needles, force pills down our throats, force our mouths open to lok at our teeth, and generally maul us around. We hate vets. The bolder among us bite them if we can or scratch if we get the chance. Some purr formercy (and don't get it). Mostof us just sit hunched and miserable onthat awful smelling table.
There's nothing worse than the smell of a vet. Naturally we cats identify friends and foe by scent. But the humans don't understand this because they are scent blind, poor creatures. They just plonk us back into the family home, completely unaware of the fact that we smell like the enemy. So Cayenne reacted normally and went for you. You smelled horribly frightening to her.
The answer is to give you the smell of home. Home smells of your scent and her scent mixed together with the scent of both your humans (that's why you rub them). It's the homey scent that identified you and her as friends.
Get your human to take a clean cloth like a hankie and wipe it round Cayenne's chin and cheeks to collect her scent. Then wipe it on your body. Do the same for your chin and cheeks and wipe it on her. Swap her beddding with your bedding. Top this all off by taking a little of your human's scent - from their armpits or (if they are self conscious about this) even atiny little bit of aftershave or perfume and put this also on both cats using a clean hankie.
Voila! ou and Cayenne should smell, not of vets, but of home. If that doesn't put things right, get a Feliway diffuser from the vet to exude a calming scent into the room where you spend most of your time. Oh yes, and next time think of taking both cats to the vet and asking her/him to handle both.
Love George

I have protested in the strongest terms - spraying

Dear George,
My humans don't understand me. A new despot cat has moved into the neighbourhood and they haven't even noticed. He's leaving unplesant and scary messages on the nearby plant pots and walking up and down the wall glaring at me.
So I did the natural thing. I sprayed on the windowsill - a big post-it sign which said "There is danger here!" I wanted to remind myself that it was dangerous to look out and see him.
Oddly enough my humans then sprayed themselves - pine scented disinfectant. A really big urine mark out of a bottle. Naturally I topped it up and have kept it topped up. They are getting even more upset than I am. And they don't get the message at all. How can I tell them what is going on?
Oliver

Dear Oliver,
This is a common problem among humans. They are scent blind as well as dumb animals. Can't read body language. Can't detect scent. Don't keep an eye out for other cats. Hopeless apes, as Wicky Whudler calls them. Worse still, when they do detect the spray scent of danger, they just don't understand it and try to cover it up with stuff they think smells like pine forests. Actually to us it smells like cat urine in a pine forest, and very strong cat urine. So naturally that makes us feel even worse and we try to cover it up with our own scent.
Your problem is how to communicate with an inferior species, your humans. Our rather sad pets often misunderstand spraying altogether. They think we are being "naughty" or "evil" or even trying to take our revenge on them. This is really pathetically incompetant of them but we must remember that humans are dumb animals. They cannot understand a word of what we are saying.
Spraying is an sign that we are anxious and that we need help. Usually what upsets us is the intrusion of another into our territory -- the cat next door, a new cat in the household, nearby dogs or a new puppy. Sometimes house sitters and cat feeders upset us too. So we spray. And usually where we spray give an indication what is going on. If it is near the window it is because we see something worrying outside. If it is near the door to the garden, it may be that a neighbouring cat has posted a spray mark just the other side of the door. And so on.
Our problem is not spraying. Our problem is getting help for our anxiety. Our humans simply don't understand us and at times this makes me gloomy,
George.
PS. My late companion William is sponsoring a photo competition in the Cat Extravaganza, 4th September 2pm, St Leonards Church Hall, Marshalls Brow, Penworththa, Preston, Lancs.

Design for modern feline living - and tease your human!

Dear George,

Since last time we wrote you ….we continued to search for ideas to improve a cat’s life In the meantime…. that’s right, we grew up a little bit.

Our nail covers are okay, don’t bother us. We change them every four months but more we scratch, as you can see in the photo, sooner we need to change them.

Anyway, our idea of training human pets includes the task to make them build “cat friendly” interiors. Having architects as human pets is helpful!

George, check this website: www.moderncat.net to find cat toys, furniture, cat friendly homes ideas and much more! Great ideas! What do you think?

Hugs

Yuppie & Anji

Dear Yuppie and Anji,

What a nice website for cat stuff. Get that human to open up his wallet or her purse and flash the card. Then you can do a typical cat tease. The humans have spent the money. The expensive new cat bed has arrived. Walk over to it. Sniff it and then turn away with a superior look on your face. Utterly refuse to use it - until the day you hear them discussing giving it away. Immediately jump into or on the "new" bed and start purring with self satisfaction. It's really fun to see their faces.

Do we want expensive items? Well humans like buying them for us but as far as I am concerned, cardboard boxes will do a lot. A box can be cut into a bed shape with an open top or into a hidey hole, with an entrance and a window to look out. The latter is good for frightened cats and cat shelters in the US use them.

Get your human to make a cardboard box into a tunnel and whiz through it. There's a great Youtube of Maru a Japanese cat disappearing into boxes on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urizHysauG0 Help them cover the litter tray by using a box. Or make them adapt a small one into a food dispenser, buy making a large hole so that we can hook out the food. Yes, if they get the hole the wrong size, our heads will get stuck. I got my head stuck when Celia got it wrong - luckily she was there to help me get it out.

Here are a few photos of things to do with boxes and I welcome other ideas from cats.

Love George

Lucky - I was saved from the streets

Dear George,

I’m Lucky - the cat! I’m a little tiny kitten that only a month ago was homeless and full of any parasite possible! I was abandoned on the streets of one small town in Europe.

Since I was “saved” by my mom I learned a lot!

First, I learn to read your blog for useful information and see what other cats do

Second, I learn that my mom lost not long ago her beloved cat for over 20 years and was heartbroken and not ready for another cat yet!

Third, I learn that with sincere purrs and ….hope …any of us, abandoned cats, have a chance! Look at my pictures and tell me if I’m not lucky!

Love & hugs to all cats

Lucky

Dear Lucky,

I was lucky too. I was born to a feral cat but Cats Protection rescued me and brought me to be a pet. That way I could fit into the home life of a different species, Homo sapiens (so called). Which is how I adopted Celia. The life of a feral cat is nasty, brutish and short - most kittens don't survive even to reproduce. Compared with that, life with humans is a cushy number even if humans are only dumb animals (can't mew, can't purr and don't know how to do body language).

Remember you are the one doing your human the favour. You have condescended to live with her. She may have rescued you but you can overdo the gratitude. You are giving her all the pleasures of living with you - the sight of your grace and beauty, the softness of your fur (poor soul, she's only got a pathetic substitute for fur which is clothes), and the inestimable pleasure of your purring (she just can't). She's the one who should be grateful.

Yes, there are good and loving humans. Some of us feel that humans are our best friends. We can talk to them about anything and they can'ttalk back - just meaningless vocalisations. They like having a superior species in the household and they enjoyknowing their place, well below the alpha cat.

So love her but remember CATS RULE.

Love

George

Unhappy Persian seeks handsome lover

Dear George
Well, what a story I have to tell you! I've been terribly mis-treated. My name is Tia, and I am a very unhappy Persian! I'm still beautiful though. I hope tortie colourpoints are your favourite.
Anyway, on to my mistreatment. As I say, I'm a Persian. My human has decided that I should have kittens. She calls herself a breeder, whatever that is. Last week, I was doing my usual thing, you know the thing where we shout a lot because you boys won't pay us enough attention, then go to the human pets and rub against them until they scratch us, then roll about on the floor. Well, I was really enjoying myself! There was a nice boy down in the car park, but She wouldn't let me go to him. I told her what I thought in no uncertain terms, but she just told me to stop making that noise, that she wanted some sleep.
Anyway, the next day, I did the same thing again, and you know what my human did? She put me in my carrier, which I like, by the way, because it means I get to show everyone how beautiful I am when She takes me places, took me on a train and then a very noisy tram, and left me at a house where there was a boy cat! Well, he was very handsome, but George, there was only one thing on his mind, and he wasn't taking no
for an answer! He was nice about it though. He'd sneak up on me rather than pouncing. We even shared a litter tray, and some food! Now all we need is the wine. I don't know what that is, but the human always jokes about that when she goes somewhere with a boy.
He thought this gentlemanly treatment entitled him to certain privilages, but being an upper class lady as I am, I promptly turned around, hissed at him and sent him packing. George, I'm ashamed to admit it, but despite my good breeding and usually flawless manners, I even swore at him! He kept this up for the next few days, and my reactions were the same.
So my question is this. How on earth do I make my human realise that I choose the man and not her! I know she wants certain types of kittens, but honestly, the indignity of it! I'm quite cross with her.
Please help! I need training tips as mine aren't working any more. By the way, you do look rather handsome. Have you ever thought of becoming a daddy? I wouldn't swear at you at all.
Tia
Comments on mating tactics and general cheering up are welcome on my blog which is cuddlesandcatnip.blogspot.com

Dear Tia,
Alas, I cannot become a daddy. They've given me the snip. All part of the way humans control our sex lives, Hypocrites. They don't control their own. They think it is all right to have sex in and out of season - unlike us cats who wait for the right season. It's quite disgusting. and then they deny sex altogether for most of us. Why do we put up with them?
Humans claim that once a female cat is on heat, she is anybody's. And it is true that 80% of cat litters in towns produce kittens with more than one father. But that's not because we are anybody's. A peeping tom scientist in Italy who observed our matings said that half of us female cats just accepted any tom cat and assumed from that we did not make a choice. She ignored the females who did refuse some of the toms and she ignored the fact that half the females fancied all of the toms! Why not? That's a choice. We mate with more than one tom cat because it's the most efficient way to make sure that we get a good variety of kittens and maximise passing on our genes.
So get out there, Tia. If you fancy that tom in the car park, start trying to escape. Be very surreptitious about this. Don't let your human pet know what you have in mind. Best time to slip out will probably be when she comes home from work or with the shopping. She will be fiddling with the door key and as soon as the door opens, leg it.... Best of luck.
George.
PS. Posting a bit shorter than usual because my secretary has a painful finger bound up due to snapping the tendons of it. She'll be like this of 6 weeks or more.
PPS. Good comment by Wicky Wuudler below.