Follow by Email

Showing posts with label hypocrisy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hypocrisy. Show all posts

Saturday, April 20, 2019

Cats and the Easter bunny

Dear George,
I’m in talks with some friends and family (as you can see in the photo attached – I’m the one with the red collar) to form a trade union or a labor union as it is called in the USA! After my humans’ deceiving behaviour last week I decided to protect my group’s members’ interests and improving wages in the form of more treats/steaks per capita, hours of sleeping to be extended to 18 hours per day and better sleeping conditions that absolutely require master bedrooms to be available to us non-stop! 
Even if it really doesn’t matter what we do for a living, there’s a union with members who do the same thing. You might wonder what is our specific “trade” or skills that I want to protect. Well, one thing for sure is hunting. We are born hunters! So why are the humans trying to stop us from doing what comes naturally for us? If I catch a little bird or a little mouse my Mom is screaming out loud as she’s trying to get my prey out of my mouth! Phew! Unbelievable!
And the last deceiving act of my humans? They brought home a chocolate bunny and few chocolate chicks! This is not fair at all! Cats do not eat chocolate yet my Mom is telling me that we should have compassion and only eat fake bunnies! Really? What about the turkey she eats? Or that roasted beef?
You know what George? I’m having second thoughts - I want back that little bunny I hunted few days ago that she made me let go free! Very upsetting!  Anyway, wishing all cats & their humans:
A Happy Easter and a juicy roast!

Dear Tommy,
The sheer hypocrisy of humans never fails to astound me! They sit down and gorge themselves on meat - beef, lamb, chicken, turkey, even pheasant. Here in the UK there are human hunters who shoot bunnies.  But when we bring in a simple little mouse for our dinner, they try to take it off us. 
My friend Toby pouncing high
The height of hypocrisy are humans who pursue foxes with a whole pack of dogs. They kill the fox and do not eat it. Yet when we play with mice, they condemn us for doing this before or without eating our prey. They are blind to their own faults and unfailingly critical of us when we behave like they do. They really have no moral compass.
A feline trades union? It probably won't work, Tommy. And don't be tempted by that chocolate bunny. Chocolate can kill cats. Just keep on hunting the real thing and stop bringing them home! I suggest finishing it off and eating it quietly just the other side of the cat flap or underneath a nearby bush in the garden where she cannot see you.
Enjoy your meal.

Saturday, March 09, 2019

Outrage - humans call us psychopaths.

Dear George, 
I’m really pissed at humans! Just because they are incapable to understand us they think they have the right to call us “psychopaths”? How do they dare to judge us based on a human mental disorder? I came across this article ( and I could not believe what I was reading nor could I believe that someone created a survey to find out why people think cats are psychopaths! I have to say one thing: if they truly think we are then, this is because of them! We mirror humans! How about this
George, what’s your take on this? Did we so miserable fail in training humans? 

Dear Bijou,
It is one of the worst side effects of our campaign for world domination. We have almost completely taken over the internet but we have failed to train our staff (video producers and marketing people) sufficiently. They will post stuff that is offensive to cats because they are blind to reading our body language.
Humans don't understand us. They keep comparing us to dogs - comparing like to unlike. It's not fair and it's not clever. I have booked my human into a TV programme with the ridiculous name of Psycho Kitties. I have instructed her to do her best to put the cat's point of view. It will probably be edited out anyway, but at least we will have tried....
Humans are psychopaths - the ones that neglect, kick, torture or kill cats. Cats are just cats - a species with their own wonderful behaviour.
PS. In the afterlife they will have to explain themselves to the Big Cat in the Sky. She has claws as well as soft paws

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Misbehaving and the night watchman.

Dear George,

I don’t know how active or athletic you still are but I must admit I’ve personally slowed down a lot! I rather get on a cozy pillow and read the letters on your blog than to jump up and down or take the stairs. I believe I didn’t jump up on a counter in the last three years… but last weekend I must have jumped up on the counters at least 200 times! Yes, you heard me right: 200 times! Why? Because that’s what some humans could drive you to do! No, not my humans but their company! Well, my humans decided to entertain post holidays and they invited a group of people for dinner. Among the guests there was this woman who tried to change the rules IN MY HOUSE! No less and no kidding!

Can you imagine that? How dare she? You see, the minute she got in she started to make faces and comments about cats and started telling my mom “Oh, please, THIS CAT can’t touch my fur coat” or “Ah, I hope your cat doesn’t jump up on the counters or tables” or “hope I won’t find any cat hair in my dinner; ha!ha!ha!.” I was speechless! How rude she was! I looked at my mom as she was trying to explain (very politely) that I’m a very well behaved cat and no, I do not jump up on the counters! That just did it! I mean …that woman and her comments drove me to jump 200 times up on the counters that night! She also drove me to jump up right on the dining table and walk between guests and plates. Then, she drove me to pretend I was falling down off the coat hanger (I just climbed on) and had to “grab” her fur coat with my claws…going down! Yes, I did all these things! By the end of the evening I was laughing my head off seeing her speechless! I bet I’ll never see her again! My mom didn’t seem to be overly upset after all but she did mention that I have totally, completely, absolutely misbehaved and I have ruined the night! She also said that I looked like a “night watchman” at times! Is this bad or good? George, I don’t know what a “night watchman” is! I assume it must be something bad, something scary? Is that right?

Honestly George, was I that bad? Would my behaviour make me a “night watchman?” What if I was right? George, please….your opinion!

Your old friend,

CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Shocking behaviour by a visiting human! And your human should also be ashamed of herself for not supporting you in this. This is your home, which you kindly share with your humans. Your home - therefore your rules.
And why not walk on the table? I always do. I enjoy embarrassing my humans in this way. Watching their faces express their anguish is truly amusing.
Naturally you were interested by a fur coat? You were checking it out to see if it was real or fake. Any sensible cat would do this.
Was it real fur? If it was, some human had hunted and killed it, just like we cats kill mice. But without an excuse. We have a natural instinct to hunt and kill, but at least we don't just do it to wear fur that isn't our own. And, although we "play" with our prey (because we can't help it; the instinct is hard wired), at least we don't keep mice in tiny cages just to wear their fur.
Well done ruining the evening...  If your humans must entertain people who wear real fur, they should do it in a restaurant away from temptation!
I always wonder why humans wear clothes and fur. Why not grow their own?
PS. Not sure what she meant about a "night watchman." Odd remark. But humans are odd. Something to do with the Rembrandt painting or the horror movie?

Saturday, November 04, 2017

Halloween and cats.... Guy Fawkes day ... a nightmare for cats.

Dear George,
This was my first Halloween! Seeing my human mommy and her kitten decorating our house was a lot of fun! I was looking forward with great excitement to the Halloween night. I must admit I was rather disappointed. First of all I was “locked in” the house, actually in my mommy’s bedroom for the whole night. I wasn’t allowed outside, nor was my sister. I was told I’m forbidden to go outside because of my color (see my photo attached –laying down on a table utterly bored). Second I was disappointed because there was no fun; all it happened was that different human kittens were ringing the bell to beg for sweets. Really? Like they needed more sugar in their diet? 
Third and the scariest was that late at night teenagers started ringing the bell “demanding” sweets! What was all this about? They didn’t even wear a costume or anything – just plain begging or demanding! I don’t think this was right! Maybe my mommy should have called the police! I don’t know how and why humans find Halloween funny or entertaining! I found it profoundly disturbing! It was a nightmare for me and my sister! Actually what is the Halloween about and why people celebrate such a gloomy night?
Totally confused,

Dear Lila,
Halloween and (here in the UK) a few days later Guy Fawkes Day is a dangerous time for us cats. Your humans were right to lock you indoors for safety. There are three main dangers. The first is that cats get scared by the fireworks or by the strangers and run off and get lost. Worse,  here in the UK sometimes feral teenagers pick up cats and throw them in bonfires or attach bangers to them.
Finally, sometimes animal lovers in the USA decide to "rescue" black cats to stop them being sacrificed in black magic ceremonies, an urban myth. They take them to the shelters, where there are already too many cats waiting for home and the bad animal shelters just put them down. Black cats are unpopular in the USA.
Why are humans so stupid and why are some of them so cruel? 
Yours gloomily

Friday, December 02, 2016

At war with my mother... like many humans.

Dear George, 
I decided to write my memoir (as you can see in the picture) and I need your help since you are so much more experienced in writing books than any other cat!
It is true I’m only three but I think I’ll write my memoir in “stages”: Part I – kittenhood; Part II – tomcathood; Part III – wisdom at sunset! The kittenhood chapter is difficult because of the memory I have of how I was given away by my own biological mother! Yes! I remember that! You see, my mother was pregnant when she was rescued. She had a litter of four (two girls and two boys) in these humans’ house. Then, when we were about eight weeks old she gave me and my brother, Bubble, away to some of their close relatives.
But, life is strange and due to unexpected events we’ve got back with our biological family. George, now that I’m back in the house where I was born I can’t help fighting with my Mama because I am so mad at her! She is scared and doesn’t understand why I’m so aggressive but how could she discriminate between the boys and the girls? Why did she keep the girls and gave away the boys? I see red only thinking of it!
My brother is begging me to calm down! He’s trying to convince me that it wasn’t our mama who gave us up! He says she didn’t have a chance and that it was the human mama who gave us up! Could this be true? And, if it is, how do I punish my humans? Bite? Scratch? Piss on them? What?
George, tell me the truth and teach my how to punish my humans (we’ll talk later about tips on writing, editing and publishing). Punishing my humans is of paramount importance right now!
In boxing mood

Dear Ricky,
Even though plenty of humans are mad at their mothers and would hate to live with them as adults, they still expect us cats to do this. You had grown up, become independent, and now suddenly you are plonked back in the family without your consent. It is not fair to assume you will get on with your mother. Very few adult humans live with theirs!
Can you rehome yourself?  If you have a cat flap, you can just start looking for a new home down the street. Turn up, sit outside, meow pathetically. It usually works.
If you do not have a cat flap, I suggest you get your human's attention by spraying urine, a form of territory marking which highlights your discontent and stress. If they call in a cat behaviour counsellor (as they should) this "expert" will suggest either rehoming or extensive modifications to the home to keep you and your mother apart.
PS. All this would make a good misery memoir in the style of Angela's Ashes or A Boy Called It. Get writing.


Saturday, November 19, 2016

My name is Teddy .. I am 3 years old and the most adorable long haired ginger male cat . I have a brother called Dolly he's very thin and unattractive (we are true brothers and came to live with our mum at the same time ) as soon as we arrived our human mother completely and utterly adored us .. Me probably more than dolly .. We were very spoiled well loved kittens .. Our human Mother's Day revolved around us... We had the best of everything. 
My problem is I cannot stand my human mother. She tries to pick me up and I push my paws into her to get her away . I stay out of the house as long as possible only popping in once a day for food , then I leave as quickly as I can. She always gets excited when she sees me. Because I am so very big fluffy and beautiful. I never want to spend time with her or in the house. Where as my skinny brother adores her and stays in the home all the time and even dribbles when he's on her lap! Yuck.. So my question is why do I hate her so much? Have you got any tips on how I can be like Dolly and love my human mother.
Yours perfectly 

Dear Teddy,
Let's face it. Some of us just don't like our human pets. We have them because they are useful - for feeding us, providing warm beds (though they take up too much room), and a house for when it is bad weather. That's just how it is.
I wouldn't bother too much about your feelings. Remember, we are the superior species. Humans are lucky that we want to spend any time with them at all. But there are moments when it would be worth faking love - before feeding time and at night when it is cold and you want to sleep next to her for her warmth.
So try to fake a purr now and again. It could pay off. She will probably be so pathetically grateful for any attention, that more food will come your way.
And if she harasses you for a cuddle just give her a little nip.
Yours George
PS. Dolly can't help being a creep. It's just her genes. You've got the lone gene and she's got the snuggle gene.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Co-ordinated counter surfing and the unfairness of feline life

Dear George,
Toby and I do not get on very well. But we do have something in common. We have to eat boring cat food every day. So we feel it's an important part of our lifestyle to snack on human food. 
Yesterday we made a co-ordinated effort. Toby checked the counter surfaces, while I jumped on to the higher shelf where sometimes she leaves food (as she thinks) out of our reach. She had left the cupboard door open by mistake so it was worth looking there.  By chance there were only a few fragments, alas. I ate them while Toby licked up the two spots of milk left over from when she was making breakfast porridge.
Why do they think it is acceptable to feed us the boring food when they eat chicken, steak, rich pasta sauces, cream, milk, yoghurt.... 
Yours with a growing sense of injustice,
Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter

Dear Tilly,
Co-ordinated kitchen theft sounds good to me but for one unfortunate fact. As cats never share, if you find some tasty snack you will have to gobble it up fast before Toby gets it. However, in view of the unfairness when we compare what humans give themselves and the pathetic food they give us, counter surfing is a must for any cat who wishes to rebalance the food odds.
The human species has no real sense of justice or fairness. Have you noticed, for instance, how much space they take up on the bed. How they attempt to push us to the margins of it or banish us to the bottom of the bed, refusing to share the pillow.
It's the same thing with arm chairs. My human, having assigned me an armchair which is furthest from the log fire, expects me to sit there while she luxuriates in the warmth nearer the flames. Naturally, when she is not sitting down, I sit in what she thinks is her place. It's mine, not hers. She is deluded. But what is so unfair is that she then uses brute force to push me off it so that she can sit there.
I am currently working on a new technique which involves inserting my body at the side of hers. She thinks I am being friendly. I simper a bit and purr loudly. What I am actually doing is slowly pushing her to one side with the aim of first sharing, and then completely taking over the best chair in the room.
Yours in commiseration,

Sunday, October 19, 2008

How can I stop my human hauling me off to the vet?

Dear George,

Periodically, my human will ambush me without warning (usually when I am sound asleep enjoying dreams of chasing mousies and birdies) and stuff me unceremoniously into my PTU and cart me off to the dreaded v-e-t! There I am subjected to all sorts of atrocities -- loud, barking dogs in the waiting room, having to sit on a cold metal table in the exam room, having my teeth and ears checked, and the worse one of all...getting a shot in the butt!
What can I do to get my human to show a little common courtesy and ask me first whether I would like to be stuffed into my PTU and carted off to the v-e-t to incur all those atrocities?
And when she doesn't take NO for an answer and carts me off anyways, what, if any, recourse should I take against her?
Sincerely with a sore butt,

Dear Wally,
You have put your paw on a very sore issue indeed, one of the most outrageous examples of human stupidity even human cruelty. It is the sheer hypocrisy of it, that gets up my gleaming black nose. One moment the human is cooing all over us, then suddenly they are taking us off to what is a torture chamber. How can they do this?
So what can we do about it? The first thing is to brush up your verbal skills in human language. Like the rest of us, you probably stop listening to their endless vocalising. They never stop "talking" so most of us cats simply screen out the noise. However, this is a mistake when it comes to the v-e-t situation. You simply have to keep an ear out for that particular vocalisation.
It's not alway easy. The word comes in the middle of a torrent of other similar sounding vocalisations like "pet" "yet" "vat" "vit'amins and so on. However, if you apply your considerable cat skills to the task you will find that you can hear it. Once heard, the word is an advance warning.
Make yourself scarce immediately. If you are an outdoor cat, this is the moment to saunter through the cat flap and disappear for the nex 24 hours. If you are an indoor cat, it is a little more complex but there are places from which she will find it difficult to extract you - the furthest side of the bed, underneath the cooker, behind the fridge, high up on the top of the wardrobe, inside one of the drawers in a chest of drawers.
If these places don't work, think laterally. The point about the human species is that they are relatively unintelligent. I have found it useful at times simply to hide myself by sitting on a chair that has been drawn up to the table - ie: I am hidden by the table itself. This is a particularly good place if your human has a tablecloth over the table. I have seen my human running up and down stairs, peering under beds, opening cupboards sometimes in the same room, and all the time forgetting to find me there.
Perhaps other cats will contribute their suggestions for good hiding places. All of us need them in order to avoid the visit to the veterinary torture chamber.
PS Revenge on your human is easier. Withdraw all attention from her - no purring, no looking at her, no rubbing round her legs. Ignore her for at least 24 hours. Refuse to sleep on the bed (unless it is a particularly cold night). This "silent treatment" is hard for a social species like humans to bear. If there is another person in the household, be particularly affectionate to him.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Humans, not cats, are the true killing machines

Dear George
I spend a lot of time hunting in the nearby hedges, in the village were I live. I brought a mouse home yesterday through the cat flap and there were shrieks as it slipped out of my mouth in the kitchen. My humans don't seem to like the fact that I go hunting almost every day. Yet it's the activity which gives my whole life its joy and meaning.
Yorkshire Patch

Dear Patch,
We all have difficulties with our humans about this one, - that is if we live in a nice family home rather than a barn or stables. Humans like the idea that we keep down the mice numbers but they are also queasy about seeing us doing it. Humans are dreadful hypocrites on this issue.
A few thousand years ago, we noticed that humans needed cats. Indeed mice are the cause of the cat-human relationship. They had started growing grain and building granaries and we moved in. Soon we saw that humans would be better off if we domesticated them, so we moved further into their homes and the close cat-human relationship was off and away. 
However domesticated they are, humans like us don't seem to have lost the killing instinct. Their instinct is worse than ours. We kill mice and usually eat them. They kill each other. That is unimaginable in cat society.
Over the past 9000 years of domestication we have tried to teach them how to live in peace with each other. We keep the peace instinctively. True, there are cat fights over willing females occasionally but more often than not, our toms just line up peacefully for a go. Why fight when there is plenty to go round and our females seem to enjoy it.
We deal with conflict much better than humans do. We avoid it.OK so we do a bit of posturing and hissing but most of the time we just walk round each other. If you look at how cats live together in a home (in a group of unrelated animals which is totally unlike the normal closely related wild cat colony), we manage ourselves by avoiding each other. 
We have our separate beds and favourite places and, unless we are forced to, we eat at seperate times. If we do fight, there may be wounds but we don't kill. We time share rather than sharing - unless we are good friends or relatives in which case we eat together and sleep touching each other.
Humans at low levels of society seem to manage this but once there are thousands of them it all goes wrong. They band together in large packs and slaughter each other. They don't even fight fairly with their feet and hands. They invent weapons which allow themselves to kill each other from thousands of miles away. They even slaughter babies and females. So it is the greatest hypocrisy when they object to the odd dead, or not so dead, mouse.
Yes, we have our hunting instincts. Yes we kill mice and rabbits and lizards and insects. We are predators. But so are humans. They prey on their own kind. We don't kill other cats. They kill each other in the millions. 
Humans could learn from us if they weren't so arrogant.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online