Cats are smarter than babies.

That cats are more clever than babies is not news for us cats. It is obvious to any cat who has compared human babies with kittens.

Kittens can walk at the age of two weeks: babies are still unable to do this at that age. Kittens are litter trained by eight weeks: babies are not potty trained until about one to three years (depending on their mothers' skills).

Now scientists have tested how quickly cats can make an association of a word with a picture. They can do this more quickly than babies.

Is this surprising? Not in the least. Human babies are incredibly slow to develop physical and mental skills compared with kittens. 

Sad that scientists have to rediscover obvious truths. But that is how humans work...

We just get on with enjoying warmth and sunlight and good food and hunting. 

Wiser than dumb humans? Of course.

 

• Here is the original report - https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-024-74006-2 

Interventions for online addicts

Humans are strange creatures that get addicted to their computer screens. They are simply not present. Not here. Like drug users, they become more and more lost in their addiction.

We can help them get out of the online world and back into reality. But it takes tough love and a lot of purrsistence.

Luckily we cats have patience. We can wait at a mouse hole for hours and hours. This quality will be needed in our dealings with online addicts.

I recommend a sliding scale of action. Try these methods and then use the ones that work best.

• Mewing. Sound not scent is the best normal way to get your human's attention. They are scent blind but can be roused with noise.
• Purring loudly... you need to have jumped on the desk to make this rather charming intervention work. Purr as close to their face as possible. Lure them into looking at you not the screen.
  
• Desk roaming. Walk round the desk area, poking your paw at anything which might fall off the desk.
• Printer sitting. Sit on the printer and wait for the paper to come out. Treat this intervention as if you were waiting for a mouse to emerge from its mousehole. Printers are slightly warm to the butt, so this is quite an enjoyable intervention. 
• Printer take down. If the printer is a cheap one, your weight may stop printing altogether or even, if you are lucky, break the ridiculous item.
• 
  Keyboard paw work. Poking or sitting on the keyboard can produce a pleasing range of gobbledegook on the screen. Useful in vet's surgeries to prevent note taking.
  
• Screen blocking. Some cats do not bother with the above methods. They move straight to screen blocking. Blocking the screen makes online users unable to use. It is probably the best intervention going but comes with hazards if the online addict is likely to be violent.

 

Childless cat ladies are wonderful!

 I don't take a lot of notice when my human becomes upset, but last week I couldn't miss her distress. Some bearded git, the would-be Republican vice president in the USA, has said that "childless cat ladies" live miserable lives. 

The insult got to her. She doesn't have children because her husband couldn't. And yes, she has cats. Me, of course.

Is her life miserable? I don't think so. She misses her husband who died, but otherwise has a full emotional life. Yes, a full emotional life with me.

• We love and care for each other.
  
• We sleep together. 
• We communicate with purrs and human "catty" talk. 
  
• We spend time in the garden together.
• I spend time in a warm cat bed near her computer supervising her work.  
• I take a great deal of interest in what she cooks.
• I try to clean up any food that has fallen on the kitchen floor.
• I greet her when she comes home.
  
• And I look beautiful.
  

She is not miserable. She is a happy cat lady and I am determined to help her stay that way, Mr JD Vance.

I hope you lose the US election

I am an unacknowledged genius

 

She's done it again. I am an acknowledged author of only one book, A Cat's Guide to Humans, but I have co-authored many more cat books with my human, Celia.

I co-author because my paws get tired when I am typing all day on the keyboard. And, if I sit down on it, as I often do for a rest, the type somehow goes all wrong.

So co-authoring with a human has its obvious benefits. But the major drawback is the complete lack of acknowledgement. And she'd done it again. Left my name off the book, Being Your Cat.

The insights are mine. The ideas are mine. She couldn't have written it without me. 

Yet she thinks it's acceptable to leave out my name altogether. I am not on the cover. I am not on the dedication. I am not in the Endnotes. I am not even in the thanks-acknowedgements at the end of the book.

It is not good enough.

I am planning revenge. Shall I pee on one of the books? Or give her a sharp nip? Or just ignore her for a few days....

The delicacy of a paw touch

 

One of my many cat friends, Mr Nipper Spangles, is finding it hard to adapt his paws to a key board. He has tried sitting on it. He has attempted to use the tip of hi
s tail as a digit. He has tried to manipulate the keys by standing on several at a time.

To no avail. All that emerges on the screen is a series of meaningless scribbles.

True, when he stands on several keys at a time, the computer makes several strange noises. Clearly it is attempting to communicate vocally. But, says Spangles, it makes no sense at all. It cannot mew or miss or wail in the correct form.

What is the secret of my success at the keyboard? I want to be modest so I shall not mention my immense intelligence or my amazing patience. I will not even mention my days of practice when I was a kitten.

No. All I will say is that the secret of my success is delicacy. The delicate way I have learned to pat with my paw. Gently, Delicately. But with a feline firmness.

My paw work is so fine, so nicely judged, so precise that I am able to write this blog. To encourage other cats here is a photo of me at work. Note the delicate left hand paw.

My advice to cat bloggers is to accept the fact that you may not be able to type... get a human secretary.

Just use the keyboard to interrupt her when she is not paying you proper attention.

Stressed humans and tender paws

My paws hurt from trying to use this laptop.

My human has let her  computer get too old and it is dying on her. That is why this blog is so late. She is frantic so I decided to help her with the typing. I don't usually offer help. Altruism is not a cat thing. But I don't want to disappoint my fans.

The keyboard is great to sleep on. It's fun to walk on too. I like leaving messages on screen like this - ssrr  44444 'lkp[0\]12. These cryptic comments enhance her efforts though she never appreciates them.But it is hard on the paws.  So my message is simple. And very short.

Christmas is coming. This means your human will be particularly difficult to get on with. She is tired and worried. Christmas really makes humans stressed.

At least this year she won't be able to fill the house with screaming kids and ageing parents. The fewer people the better for us cats.

And there may be more turkey leftovers!

PS. Don't eat the wrapping paper or ribbons. It usually means a trip to the vet.

Feline zoom etiquette for lockdown

Good overall position with body placed between human and screen. But there is a failure to block use of the keyboard and a further failure to block screen.

Well thought out body position blocking both screen and keyboard but a failure to take full advantage of the Zoom possibilities, which include the butt photo and grooming intimate body parts.

What is the best way to deal with a human on Zoom during so called lockdown? These photos show two unsatisfactory methods. 

The most effective way is to place the backside facing the computer screen, with tail up in a friendly greeting....  

There is no photo for this, due to human refusal to take a screenshot.

Block that screen! Hit that keyboard! Murder the printer!

Humans urgently need our help to stay sane. They are focused so much on the screen that some of them are becoming addicted.
In this video Tommy shows you how to have fun while interrupting their obsessive gazing. You will notice that he doesn't just jump on the printer, he puts his paws on the keyboard, which cries out with an odd noise each time.
Do your duty during this crisis. Interrupt your human before its obsession with the screen overcomes it.
Stroking us, feeding us, and talking to us is so much more important than they realise. It brings them back to the real world and gives them important body contact.
Place yourself between the screen and your human whenever possible.  
 

• For more tips on how to manage a human get this book here

Of cats and arts.

Dear George,
I’m sure you’ll agree with me that we are born naturally gifted, much more so than humans. It takes a century for humans to produce a genius! It takes us about 67 days at most to produce one in a litter. That should tell humans something, right?

I know you are a gifted writer and other cats are gifted hunters, acrobats or athletes.

I’m exceptionally gifted as a painter. I took up painting but my human (just like yours, George) is not only sabotaging me …she’s stealing my art too! Huh!
I must admit I have much fun dipping my paws in paint and then work the canvas!

What does she do? She waits until I’m asleep and recreates some portraits or still nature painted by me and signs the painting with her own name. I tried few times to cover her signature with my unique “paw-signature” but she must have a method to erase mine. Totally unfair. You know what I’m talking about! So, George what are we going to do? Whatever you’ll suggest I’ll follow! How would you stop Celia from stealing your work and admitting that you are the author? How am I going to stop my human pretending that she’s a great artist and give me credit for her success?

Totally yours,
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Humans are terrible plagiarists. I have suffered too. Because I cannot use my paws to type, I am reliant on a human typist, Celia. Not only does she try to pass off this blog as my own, she also has claimed authorship for my best selling volume, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. I have a nephew, also called George, who is currently negotiating with an agent to publish a useful book about human management: he says he will only write it if his name is on the cover. We shall see what happens....
Could you purrsade your human to add a pawprint to her signature? Terence Cuneo, a successful painter of ceremonial occasions, always added a signature tiny mouse to his paintings. For more detail read here. In one of his painting a mouse was riding on the back of a cowboy in a stampede.
How much better would it be if she added just a pawprint. Either near her signature or somewhere semi-concealed on each painting? I know its not the same as your proper paw print without her name, but at least it's a start.
Yours 
George

Normal service will be resumed on Saturday.

Due to my secretary's shameful absence of mind (she told me I had given her too much work to do), last Saturday's blog entry did not take place. As loyal readers know, I tried to use a computer when I was a kitten (see photo above).
But my paws could not cope with the keyboard, so I am reliant on my human to type.
She let me down.
Yours
 George.
PS. I shall pee on her pillow.

Feline wisdom recognised - at last

Dear George,
I have discovered a human book about feline wisdom. I think it has to be written by you, but the name on the cover is Celia Haddon.
What is going on? Has she stolen your ideas? Humans are so unscrupulous.
Yours 
Coco

Dear Coco,
Yes, my life's work, my book, has been stolen by my secretary. I needed her help as my paws are just not capable of manipulating the keyboard. She transcribed my ideas.
Next thing I know she tells me that it has been published this month. She has passed off my wisdom as if it were her own.
I felt a strange mix of fury and delight. Fury at what she had done. Delight that at last the wisdom of cats is being recognised. 
I am planning revenge. I might pee on the TV.
Yours 
George

Teenage humans - can they get obsessed with cats?

Dear George,
My name is Schwartz and I have a family of human pets - adult male, adult female, teenage boy and 11-year-old girl. They are all reasonably well trained and depend on me for affection.
It's the teenager who is worrying me. He has always been fond of me but now he shuts himself in his room with his computer and me. He has stopped vocalising to his family and spends most of his time online looking at cat photos and cat videos. Occasionally he looks at photos of naked humans, but seems to prefer cats. Is this natural? And does it matter?
Yours
Schwartz.

Dear Schwartz,
I can reassure you that watching cat videos and photos is normal for a large proportion of the human population. Scientists (I am not joking) have declared that this is good for humans and is particularly valuable for procrastinating with tasks. Your human is probably using cats as a way of not doing his homework. Watching too many naked human videos may be bad for him: so cat videos are preferable.
If you feel that he needs a rest from his computer, you can put into effect an online interruption and deterrent programme. Simply jump up on his desk and interpose your body between him and the screen. Do this is a cute way so that he responds to you with petting and eye contact.
If this doesn't work, then you need to do stronger measures. Walk up and down the keyboard, that rectangle which has small tabs on it. Or just stand motionless on it. You will see that  series of pleasing mouse tracks appear on the screen, interrupting his work there.
Finally if all else fails, lie flat on your back on the keyboard and wave your paws in the air. No fully functioning human can resist this. For me it works every time.
Yours
George.
PS. Scientists have discovered that adolescents get on better with their pets than with their siblings. Look here.. So your teenager is normal.

Internet down – Panic attack! Humans suffer cat withdrawal symptoms.

Dear George,
I almost had a panic attack tonight! I tried to connect to your blog to see what’s new and exciting and I realized that even if my computer wasn’t sick ….I still could not connect to you. My mommy explained to me that the Internet was down! I didn’t really understand what that means nor did I really care but, she told me that there are computers’ doctors called “nerds” and she’ll call one to the rescue. George, I know from your letters that Celia has a lot of trouble with her computer which is always sick and in the hospital. But, if my computer is healthy why the Internet will be down? What is the Internet? 
Mommy is trying to convince me that internet is like living a virtual life and that my real life is “here and now” with them, down on earth and in the kitchen. But, I don’t agree!
When my humans are coming home late and my brother Beau is hunting far away from home if I don’t have the internet I feel lonely, abandoned and disconnected. My real life is in the cyberspace, of course within the feline community. My humans tell me I’m addicted! Addicted to what? George, what is a good “escape plan” in case of Internet failure? I need a survival kit! Please advise. 
Yours…..definitely futuristic
Paco 

Dear Paco, 
You may have panicked, Paco, but that is nothing compared with human panic. I have seen Celia, with head on hands shoulders heaving or in a fury swearing at the computer. And once I saw Ronnie actually punch the computer. When humans lose it, they lose it.
The internet is quite simply a device to spread cat pictures, videos and information across the world. Cat blogs, cat jokes, cat photos and cat videos take up most of the space, even putting porn into second place! (And with extraordinary sexual carrying ons of humans, that really is saying something.) 
Cats rule in cyberspace. The Google Artificial Mind, 16,000 computer processors in a neural network, constructed a ghostly abstract model of a cat as its first project in artificial thinking. What else would it do? 

The Google Artificial Mind

Cats addicted? No, as much as humans. We do blog a lot - see the cat blogosphere here - of course.We have more or less taken over Cheezburger photos here and Youtube here. Do you know why? We are doing it to HELP humans. Watching cat videos actually contributes to their emotional health? Yes, really. Read the science paper in my postscript if you don't believe me. 
When the internet is down humans suffer from cat withdrawal symptoms, a serious human disorder. So no wonder you panicked - your concern was for your human. 
Yours George.

 PS. Myrick, J. G., (2015), 'Emotion regulation, procrastination, and watching cat videos online: Who watches Internet cats, why, and to what effect?' Computers in Human Behaviour, 52, 168-167.

I conquered the Key to ….the Board!

Dear George,

Here it’s me again… Maggie….this time reporting a big victory as I conquered the key to the board or “tastiera” (yes, I’m of Italian descent and that’s what we call this thing)!

As you recall, I am in a big competition with Ziggy to win over his daddy.

So here is what happened! The other day Ziggy was “searching” my main quarters while I was all alone upstairs watching his daddy working on something that looks more like a frying pan to me than anything else.  Anyway, when he went to have his dinner…I just jumped over the frying pan and all I heard was: “Oh! No! She’s on the keyboard (as you can see in the picture) and I’ll lose everything I saved. Where is that damn mouse? The cordless mouse?!”  Now, that doesn’t make any sense to me. If I had the key to the board…how could he lose anything? I was (literally) over and holding all his savings.

I was all over the tastiera!  And what a mouse without a tail has to do with this or with his savings?  George, honestly…I have nothing to do with that tailless mouse! I didn’t see it, didn’t eat it …didn’t find it! Do you think that ….maybe Ziggy ate it trying to set me up? And how on earth a tailless mouse could save his fortune? 

Very confused,

Maggie

Dear Maggie,
This mouse thing that humans have is very odd. Mine has got one too. It's got quite a large tail which Celia has tied in some way to the keyboard (tastiera?). To stop it running away probably - except that it is disabled by having no legs at all. Underneath it glows red? Blood perhaps?
Yet it doesn't smell of mouse at all. It smells unpleasantly of plastic. It's got no fur, no whiskers, no tasty crunchy little feet. It's hard all over and the red under its body isn't liquid and doesn't smell right either. Even the tail isn't right. I know a mouse tail doesn't have fur, but this is sort of smooth instead of scaly. And I can't eat it - though I have tried. Not crunchy just hard. Difficult to swallow, I would think.
Obviously your mouse is disabled too if it hasn't got a tail.Can't believe Ziggy would have stolen it - what true cat would bother with such a tasteless scentless hard object. I am sure your human is to blame - so he is blaming you instead. They do this all the time. Blame us for things we haven't done or if we did do them, it was a reasonable thing to do.
So, Maggie, forget the mouse. Instead concentrate on the keyboard. If you lie on top of it or walk over it, you can make nice little mouse tracks on the screen. I favour xxxxxx. Or zzzzzzz - which looks like a nice long sleep. But $$$$$$ is a challenge to the ambitious cat as you have to stand on the capital key while poking at the $ key.  If you get this wrong it comes out just as 444444 which is fairly boring.
It's best to start this when he is using the keyboard himself. Leads to amusing human frustration!
Cheers for online cats
George

My snooper human is invading my privacy and exploiting me

Dear George,
It’s me CAT Victoria! What am I doing under a garden table?
Well, I’m “watching” my human mom! As she behaved really strange lately I knew she was up to something.  I found out what she was up to and now I’m really upset!
I’m seeking legal counsel as I think my privacy was broken by her.
I caught her snooping around when I was sleeping and taking photos with me sleeping in different positions (some quite innocent others less – you know what I mean).
I caught her stalking me in the garden on many occasions spoiling my hunting or bird gazing! I was wondering what was wrong with her – was she losing it and becoming a nut case? Well, not at all!
My dear mommy was “using” me (without my consent) as her “muse” for her latest art show! Even worse…..she’ll have her “grand opening” this weekend quite far from home so I won’t be able to attend and see her paintings!
George, is this fair? Is this legal? How can I protect my privacy in a media invaded world? Knowing her…..I’ll soon be on Facebook, Twitter, etc. Horror!
Should I sue her since I won’t benefit from her art show profits?
And above all…..should I crash her grand opening? What do you think?
Yours, but very frustrated
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Humans never seem to respect our privacy. They take photos all the time. Mine even does photos of me when toileting under the pretence that she needs it for her website or lectures. And they interfere when we hunt. They insist on stroking us when we just want to nap. Some even interrupt with strokes while we are eating.
As for Facebook and Twitter they are now crawling with cats and my human is one of the worst for putting on photos. Never asks my permission. Never gets me to sign a paw on a copyright or release document. Just puts them on. The only cheerful though for me (and perhaps you) is that they haven't yet started posting videos on YouTube. But it can only be a matter of time, I fear.
One of the more subtle ways of interrupting photography is to walk straight towards the camera and rub on it. Unless your human is a professional, they will find this makes it difficult to get the shot. Or, if the human is crouching or lying down to take the shot, jump on them. And jump hard.
Legal redress? Well we haven't got the chance to do this yet - though there is a movement towards this. If all else fails remember claw and order tactics - walk towards and instead of rubbing, just bite or claw the human. And after the photo session is over knock the camera off the table. I have killed two cameras that way - smashing a lens once and once just making the whole device stick fast. 
Best of luck
George.
PS. Don't crash the opening. You won't like it. It is full of humans getting high on their version of catnip. They are shudderingly boring when high.

Interrupting human computer behaviour

Dear George,
My human housekeeper, Jilly, is failing in her duties. Her time should be spent caring for the four of us, keeping the water bowl clean and filled up, renewing the dry food in the kitchen feeding bowl, heating the house to a tolerable level for cats, turning down the beds for us, providing a warm lap at all times and providing emotional support at all times. It's not much to ask. She doesn't have specifically to cook for us. Although we appreciate it when she shares her meals, we don't demand cooked food for every one of the 12 or so meals we like to take through the day and night. However, her care is substandard. She is spending a lot of time staring into a square lighted box, where a series of mouse tracks appear. I think it may be obsessive compulsive disorder or a kind of stereotypy. Any ideas of how to prevent this stereotypic behaviour in humans?
Blaireau.
Dear Blaireau,
There are several stereotypies or obsessive disorders in humans. As you say, one of them is the compulsive vigilance associated with the square screen of a computer, across which mouse tracks are seen. I am told that 30 years ago, this kind of behaviour was almost unknown, as computers were not found in the territory that humans share with cats, ie the household home. Such installations, with their ability to turn humans into computer addicts, were only found in the human hunting territory, ie the so called office, and then rarely.
However, for many years, there has been another square screen. This can be black and white or nowadays in a black and white version with some semi-coloured green and red version. (Humans appear to see a wider range of colour than us as they describe this as "coloured" TV.) The screen has a series of very small flickering dots through which we can see vague shapes and the humans appear to see as definite shapes. Humans also watch this obsessively.
The human obsession with TV is relatively easy to live with. First, the screen emits interesting noises such as mouse squeaks, bird song and occasionally (on Animal Cops Houston, my favourite programme where very large women rescue very small kittens and cops turn up armed to the teeth to help subdue animal hoarders) cat noises. There are also snooker games with moving coloured balls, just about clear enough for us cats to follow. I take an intermittent interest in TV programmes, myself, though obviously I am not an obsessive watcher like my human.
However, we can also use TV-watching time for my own interests. Humans have an unfortunate habit of being busy around the house doing displacement activities when they should be cat caring. A human watching TV offers an inviting lap and, even though humans are not as intelligent as cats, they are capable of doing two things at once - stroking us at the same time as watching.
TV watching can be interrupted by jumping on top of the set and looking cute. Angling a tail across the screen, attacking the screen, sitting in front of the screen and mimicking the human compulsive viewing. This activities will often distract the human and make them attentive to us again. I have added a photo of myself on top of the TV to show the sort of thing.
These can also be used to interrupt a human at its computer. Other possibilities involved the keyboard, a device which seems to influence the mouse tracks on the screen. Press this with your paws. Anywhere will do.There will be a satisfying change on the screen. If you simply stand immobile on the keyboard, a series of identical tracks will appear from left to right continuing downwards in ever increasing lines.
Then there is the "mouse". I have not mastered feline use of the computer mouse. Any suggestions for this or other TV games?
George.

Documents - for sitting on

Documents spew out of Celia's printer all the time - white paper with little tracks on them rather like the markings left by very very small birds only far less interesting. Their use to a cat is to sit on. I learned this pretty quickly as a kitten and I might add that I have left my muddy paw mark on many of Celia's documents.
Why are they useful for sitting on? For one thing the paper is smooth and gets nicely warmed up with feline body heat. Unlike carpets there is no static electricity even if it's not quite as warm as carpet. But mainly documents are useful as a way of catching your human's attention.
As most of you cats reading this will know, humans spent an inordinate amount of time staring at a screen or watching paper come out of the printer. Mildly interesting as it is not unlike something coming out of a hole. I sometimes poke the printer when the paper is coming out and Celia says that Fat Ada (my black and white predecessor) used to sit on the printer in the days when they were big rectangular devices. Usually the printer ground to a halt, suffocated by the sheer weight of cat. Ada was large, very large.
I don't sit on the printer much. It's sort slanted and not very comfortable. I sit on documents. This never fails. Celia looks at me and laughs, or swears sometimes. Then she leans over and picks me up and gives me a cuddle. She can't resist.
It's so easy.

The human mouse

They've got no idea, humans! Celia's "mouse" (so called) is oval, white with a transparent coat, marked with the sign of an bitten apple. It smells of nothing except plastic and only moves when she puts her hand on it. Anything less like a mouse would be difficult to find. The only thing it has in common with a real mouse is the white tail that comes out of its end and fixes into the keyboard. Once again this is hard and cold where a proper mouse tail would be warm and soft and waving freely. The only thing that can account for this massive misnomer is wishful human thinking, the desire to be more like a superior species, us cats. The poor dears aspire to be feline. It's really rather charming. And I suppose one way is to give human things feline names. I've written before (9.12.06) about musmalfunction, the way humans can't do real mice. They can't smell them. They can't see or hear of them most of the time. If they do, they can't pounce properly. And, as I've remarked, they can't grab them with their mouths. Nor do they eat them. Not a nibble. Even when a mouse is put on their keyboard.
Instead they play for hours with this plastic "mouse". Pathetic but sweet.