It hurts, you stupid human!

 

Ouch.. why do humans do that? The vet was pulling my leg around so I doubled back and bit him.

Then my human apologized as if I had done something wrong. He had hurt me. He should have apologized to me.

What did he expect, handling me like that. His explanation (not to me but to her) was that he was palpating me! Palpating! Not so much palpating as punishing me with pain.

You just can't get through to them. As if it wasn't enough that I am getting stiff with arthritis in my old age! Of course that makes me grumpy. Oldies in pain always are. Not just cats but humans too.

It's that flooring in the kitchen that is to blame. I have to go there to eat and use the litter tray, but it's hard and slippery tiles. What I need is non-slip flooring or carpet.

The litter tray is getting difficult too. She should get me one with an easy entrance. It hurts when I have to lift my legs to get into it. 

One day I won't bother. I will just pee on the floor. And she will blame me, rather than the high sides of the litter tray.

I could do with a ramp on to the sofa, and on to the bed. Yet it has never occurred to her. Why doesn't the vet suggest this instead of pain-palpitating me! A fat lot of good that is.

I heard him say "weight loss." Food is almost the only pleasure I have left. Why didn't he say "Flooring."

Humans - dumb animals without any empathy for elderly cats! I 

Now it's Biden stealing feline rights...

Jill Biden - https://twitter.com/FLOTUS/status/1487008748577214465

 As an author in my own right, I felt irritated  about more publishing competition from humans. It's bad enough that my human, Celia, keeps making money out of writing cat books...

Now the First Lady, Jill Biden, is getting into the act - with a children's book about the White House cat, Willow.

I don't mean to be catty, but readers will note that she did not write a book about the Biden dog, Major, who bit several members of staff. He was sent away in disgrace to live with family friends.

Neither did she write about the next dog, a puppy called Commander. He bit various secret service agents on at least 10 occasions and finally bit the White House superintendant, responsible for walking him.

No, Jill Biden realised that writing about the Biden dogs was not going to go anywhere. So she settled for Willow, the White House cat who has so far not bitten anybody.

Will Willow bite back, when she realises her owner is making money out of her? I have, on occasion, bitten Celia when I thought she was taking liberties with my copyright.

Watch this space....

 

 

 

The artist sees the soul.

 

This is a portrait of my friend Mr Spangles. A proper portrait by a proper artist who can be found on Instagram

The rather poor photo below shows that it is a good likeness, though I think Spangles looks rather more cuddly in the photo.

That cuddly look is actually deceptive. Mr Spangles does not appreciate being cuddled. He is very wary of more than one or two strokes.

Three strokes and his human is out...nipped sharply. He makes his dislike of extended  petting very clear indeed. 

So perhaps the portrait has got his touch-me-if-you-dare character more clearly than the photo. The artist sees into the soul, where the camera cannot. There's an old poem that sums him up.

".. wild for to hold, though I seem tame."

 

 

Why we nip the vet

 

Vets do horrible things to us. No wonder we nip them. We are trying to tell them to STOP.

Humans take us once a year, sometimes more often, to see these veterinary humans. They stab us with needles. They hold our head back in order to shave the neck.

Sometimes they even stick something up our backsides. It hurts and, worse still, it is humiliating and undignified.

There are cats that put up with this but, I am happy to say, many do not. They put a stop to it.

How?

With a nip to veterinary hands. 

Keep nipping, all you cats out there. Vets deserve it!

Pain makes us grumpy

 

My ears hurt. Don't touch me or I will nip

When I have a pain in my ears, my tummy or my joints, I get grumpy. I might even nip my human. I can't help it. What else can I do to stop her petting me in a painful place?

Humans just don't understand this. They think we are being vicious. They should remember that they get grumpy too when they are in pain.

This is Mr Nipper Spangles. He has ear mites or something similar. So he is worried about being petted anywhere near them. 

He nips if he sees a hand coming close to his ears. It's the only way he can avoid the risk of being hurt. It hurts if his ears are touched.

Purrlease. Check us out for pain if we get grumpy with our humans.

At last.... the new First Cat

 

At last there is feline representation in the White House. The new First Cat has arrived - and she looks rather like me. Maybe my continuous blogging has an influence that I never realised. Maybe Dr Jill Biden is a fan. Well, a cat's gotta dream

This is Willow. She is a farm cat, not a posh pedigree - though she has my pedigree looks, I think. So she can help spread the message - Adopt Don't Buy.

She chose her new owner.  “Willow made quite an impression on Dr. Biden in 2020 when she jumped up on the stage and interrupted her remarks during a campaign stop,” said Michael LaRosa, the first lady’s spokesman to The New York Times.

“Seeing their immediate bond, the owner of the farm knew that Willow belonged with Dr. Biden.” It's taken a bit of time for Willow to arrive, because Major, the second First Dog, now retired after biting staff, wasn't a good companion for any cat.

The new First Dog, a puppy called Commander, will be OK.  Or so we all hope... If not, he will have to go.

Felines of the world, rejoice. The White House now has a new administrator.

 

Why I bit you.....

Dear Human, 

Yes, I normally like being stroked by you. Indeed, I choose to sleep on your lap sometimes. But yesterday I bit you. Want to know why? There are several possible reasons. 

•  I bit you, because I am frightened of you.
  

• I bit you because you went on petting me too long. I mean I like to be petted and stroked for a few minutes but not seemed like hours. So I gave you a little warning.

• I bit you because you touched my tummy. You know I don't like my tummy being touched.

• I bit you because you touched my shoulder, where there is a hidden abcess that HURTS. Do something.

• I bit you, because you interfered with a cat fight. That was not a good idea.

• I bit you because I was furious with the neighbour cat that I could see out of the window, and then you picked me up from the window sill. So I bit you instead of that cat.

• I bit you because I am in pain. I am old, cranky and got awful arthritis. No it is not just old age. I need painkillers.

• I bit you because I want to hunt mice and you are the next best thing. I was hunting you and it was good fun. For me.

• I gave you just a teeny weeny nip to remind you that it is time I was fed. See to it.
  
  

Our teeth are rapiers - sharp and dangerous.

More about biting. How, not why, we bite.

Our teeth are made like slender rapiers that are deep into flesh and stay there for the death bite.They slice into the skin leaving only a small puncture mark but bringing with them infection from the bacteria in our mouth. Dogs teeth are there to slash and tear the flesh and weaken the prey with loss of blood. 

So that is why humans often think that cat bites don't matter.

Far fewer feline bites than canine ones are seen at human hospitals but they are far more likely to be infected. Add to that the chance we will scratch as well as bite, and some humans (not many) will get infections from a mere scratch. This is  call cat scratch disease.

In both cases the skin near small puncture or the small scratch will feel hot and swollen. The lymph glands near to the injury may swell up too. And if nothing is done about it, servere illness can set in. So, humans, take cat bites seriously.

Get medical help. Respect our desire for space. Do not interfere. Stay away or you will regret it!

Why we bite humans who pet

Humans are dumb animals. They cannot read our body language. I tell them I want them to stop petting me. I am purrfectly clear about it.

I start swiveling back my ears. It is obvious what I mean. I mean "Stop." They just don't see it. Are they choosing to be blind. Or are they just so stupid they don't notice.

So I "shout" louder by lashing my tail. Look, dummy. See? It's my tail. It is lashing side to side. You don't notice my ears but surely you can notice my tail.

They don't. Or they won't. So then I do what I have to do to get their attention. I give them a little nip. It's only a nip. I don't bite down on them. My teeth don't even break the skin.

Then they stop. At last.

Obviously, in order to get their attention I have to use my teeth. Nothing else gets through to them. Of course, they don't like it but at least they withdraw their hand and the petting stops.

They call it the petting and biting syndrome. I call it commonsense communication. 

• In the video my friend Marnie shows a typical moment of feline exasperation. 
  

If they really want to know what a cat bite is like, they should interfere in the cat fight. Then they will get a real bite, not a nip. Believe me, if I bite you and give you a deep puncture wound, you WILL understand the difference between a bite and nip. 

Keep dogs in their place

Dogs look up to humans.... I know that sounds incredible, but they do. They are eager to please and willing to obey.
Proof if you ever need it that they are a species totally unlike us.
The dogs we live with may be safe, but we should never assume other dogs are. Strange dogs are never to be trusted. Some of them have been taught, yes taught, to chase cats. Others just do it for fun. 
Cats have lost their lives in the jaws of dogs.
Even a household dog must be kept in its proper place. Don't be afraid to swipe or bite. Most dogs that live with us are cowards at heart and will retreat if attacked. It's usually only strange dogs that we have to run from.
 Dogs should be lowest in the pecking order. The hierarchy should go like this: 

Top: Cat, 
Middle: Human, 
Bottom: Dog.

For  information on how to train a dog go to:

Stop that! Claw and order.

My friend Marley demonstrates how to keep your human in line with judicious use of the claw, followed by a little painless nip. Only the most insensitive human fails to respond to this.
Punishments should always be proportionate - for welfare reasons. But humans that do not respond to the mild swipe and nip may need more serious measures - a proper scratch to draw blood or the deep bite.  
Only use these when things are really serious. You don't want to ruin the cat-human relationship on which regular meals and warm radiators depend.


For more on how to manage your human order my manual here.

Ouch... toothache... pain....dental hygeine

Dear George, 

I’m a 5 year old cat who has lived on the streets and in shelters until I was adopted by my current human parents! I’ve always been grumpy or somehow upset and mad at everything and everyone. My human parents were very patient with me all this time trying to do everything in their power to please me and make me happy!

At some point they decided to take me to a doctor to check my health trying to find the cause of my moodiness! Oh boy; they did not expect what they discovered! I had all my teeth infected and I was in constant pain. So, I had to go through a surgery and had all teeth extracted. Now I’m toothless but happy! My mood improved as you can see in the picture attached. George can you share some wisdom when it comes to dental hygiene? Maybe other cats will benefit as well? 

Yours….totally toothless

Nora

Dear Nora,
Life on the streets is tough for cats and poor nutrition often means that our teeth are not as good as they can be. My friend Toby has lost 7 of his teeth at the age of only four. Hardly surprising as he was forced to scavenge bird food to survive.
I always bite my human when she tries to brush my teeth. When she has tried sticking the feline toothbrush into my mouth with special feline toothpaste, I just won't bear it. She watched this video but I still bit her. It's the only thing some humans understand!
So now she feeds me several pieces of large kibble, specially designed for dental health in the hope that these will reduce the plaque build-up. Also she ensures the vet looks at my mouth when I get my annual vaccinations - which is how I had to have tooth extracted only two weeks ago. Get your human to read up here.
Toothless cats can eat dry food as well as soft, so losing all your teeth is probably the best thing for you, Nora.
Yours
George (29 instead of 30 teeth). 
PS. The hole in my tooth (feline reabsorption lesion) was so painful I went off my food. That never happened before. And, like you, I was very grumpy.

Reward and punishment (occasionally) are the key to a good relationship.

Dear George,
I have adopted a new human family - male, female, and two human kittens about half grown and therefore a sensible age. You know my background growing up which turned me into a growling, biting and scratching adolescent.
This is my third home - first the bad one, then with Celia, and now this. Of course, I can adapt. I don't miss Celia at all though I miss the games I had with Toby. Within two days, I was sitting on the male owner's lap and (good news) he was keeping his hands away from interfering with my grooming routine!
So these are sensible humans. I have taught the children that if I sit up and beg or jump over a stick, they must give me food. What else should I do?
Yours
Tommy.

Dear Tommy,
Reward and punishment are the basis of a good cat-human relationship. In the first month of your new home, you should at all costs avoid punishment. This is the time to reward them with cute looks, lots of purring, rubbing and making them feel loved. As Barnum said: "You gotta get the suckers into the tent." These humans need all the reassurance and kindness you can give them so that they form a deep bond with you.
After the first month you can lay down a few boundaries - no interference while I am grooming: no human thrashing about the bed I allow you to share: if you use your hands to play with me you must expect to be nipped; etc. These cat rules will vary from individual to individual and in the second month you should be training them to obey by very small nips. And don't forget to purr when they behave well.
By month three, all four should be trained into proper cat servants. The key is good timing and consistency. Good luck.
Yours
George.
PS. If you need to bite, you haven't made your rules clear to these dumb humans.

Dressing up cats - a vile undignified human desire.

Dear George,
I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms about human behaviour in the so called festive season - dressing up cats. My personal experience (see the photo on the left) has been shatteringly humiliating.
This degrading use of human clothing covering our beautiful fur is on the increase, encouraged by YouTube and other internet organisations such as Facebook. This particular photo was widely circulated by my human - to my shame. 
Purrlease, George, help stamp out this unpleasant human activity. The perpetrator of this undignified image is my human pet.
How can I make her stop doing this at Christmas?
Bob.

Dear Bob, 
The only way to stop this happening is to bite and claw while the garments are being put on. You seem to have given way too easily to your human. A cat your size - you are a Maine coon - could surely have inflicted several wounds while that horrible little jacket was being forced upon you. And a mere shake of the head would have got rid of the cap - I cannot see an elastic on it.
Put your paw down for once and for all. Bite and bite hard if this is being done to you. Scratch and scratch often.  Just wriggling free is not enough. You need to punish them. 
It's the only thing that humans understand.
Yours
George.
PS. There is a photo of me wearing a Santa hat. Celia waited till I was sleeping and put it on me, taking the photo before I was fully awake. I have not forgiven her.

A Christmas gift for all cats

Dear George,

The other night I was watching this video with this kitty whacking her human’s fingers.

Immediately I realized the potential of getting rich quickly by intelligently marketing this game as well as mass producing these cardboard boxes ready to use (something like “pret-a-porter” in fashion world). I really like this cat game: it is entertaining for us and educational for humans – our human pets will perfect their skills and we, the cats, enjoy the interaction with them! I shall call this “spending quality time” with your human. 

So, late at night I was sitting on my favorite counter and contemplating my sketch (both my photo and my sketch attached) planning the business venture, suppliers, insurance (what if a kitty literary “kills” her human’s finger – the game is meant only to whack not kill), shipping….you know…all that boring stuff coming with any successful business.

And, on second thoughts, I decided to post the sketch and the game on your blog free! 

Why not? It’s Christmas and in the spirit of giving ….I give the game free!

Any human can reproduce my sketch and make some holes in a cardboard box and have fun with his/her kitty.

Merry Christmas to all

Diego

Dear Diego,

Thank you for sharing this. Yes, it's a good game but only for adult cats. We can control ourselves and not injure our humans too badly. Personally I prefer fishing rod games, as humans can play them with us  while watching TV. But this finger game is fun too particularly for cats that live indoors.

It's not for kittens. Kittens enjoy it but it can make them too scratchy to humans. Let me tell you the cautionary tale of Tommy (still waiting for a home).  His humans played fingers games with him as a kitten, then when he got a bit bigger they punished him for biting their fingers. And so he bit harder. And they punished harder.....  So they then threw him out of the house for being "vicious." It wasn't his fault - he was just playing.
He had to go into rehab with Celia and learn to be gentle. 

I love the way your fur colour matches the kitchen.

Yours

George

Watch me jump for a forever home...it's black and white cat week in the UK.

Dear George,
This is me showing how clever I am in photos and a video (below). I have white socks on my forepaws, white boots on my back legs, and fine white whiskers.
I am clever but naughty! I love jumping in the sink. I love cardboard boxes.  I love doing tricks, but I have difficulty controlling myself. When I get over-excited I nip and scratch.
Will somebody give me a home? I need a specially patient person who understands cats.
When I was a kitten, my first humans taught me rough games, punished me then gave me up. When I first was rescued, I growled and bit deeply often.  Now I just nip occasionally but it still hurts my foster mum a little bit.
If somebody in Oxfordshire, UK, wants a clever but difficult cat, purrlease adopt me. I need a forever home.
Yours
Jumping Tommy

Dear Tommy,
Be patient. The right person will come. Any cats living in Oxfordshire and reading this, please share the blog address. Tommy needs a forever home. You can find his details at Sunshine Cat Rescue.
Yours
George. 

 

Showered..... in kisses. Purr or Grrr?

Dear George,

I’m Beau and I was blessed with the same great family as Paco. I’m a rescue and, of course, Paco’s younger brother. But, let me tell you something: Paco loves drama! He likes to be the center of attention; he starves himself lying down on the cutting table just waiting for our daddy to share his dinner looking… in to each other’s eyes! Phew! Such a nonsense! He thinks he is the Alpha Cat! Well…he’s not! I am the Alpha Cat in the house! I can’t care less about anybody in the house! They all have to serve me J

I have a big “cat-attitude” and big blue eyes! Having blue eyes is mandatory if you want to get showered in kisses! My only problem George is how do I stop/turn off the shower?

My mommy loves me so much and kisses me so much that sometimes I feel like opening  the gate and running away (as you can see in the photo). I know I can be and do whatever I want; I can be a movie star, I can be on TV, I can be on YouTube….but I chose to be in charge of this funny, loving family. Of course it’s so much fun making Paco jealous! Of course it’s a lot of fun making my humans worry about my disposition! Humans are so good at blaming themselves for everything! I laugh out loud! Often! But, George, how do I tell them that ….sometimes I need time for myself! I need my space, but….not on a cutting board! Do you think the cause of all this it’s my blue eyes? Should I change the color of my eyes?

Cheerfully yours

Beau-Beau 

Dear Beau-Beau,  

It's wonderful that you have such a loving human but some humans don't know when to stop. They follow us around, they cuddle us close, they kiss us and they pick us up all the time.  It is very stressful for us - scientific research has proved that cuddling and kissing may push some cats' stress hormones higher than normal.

Your reaction depends on your training programme. I do hope you have one. Some cats rely on reward-only training and hesitate to use punishment. I use a Claw and Order programme, which involves a smart push by the front paws claws retracted, followed by a stronger push with claws out, graduating finally to the ultimate punishment a sharp nip. So far I have never had to bite down. The human withdraws at an earlier stage.

Because our pets cannot understand cat language, we have to be clear in our commands - and punishment may be the only way to do this. If, however, you are dedicated to reward-only training, you will have to try other measures such as ceasing all purring, wriggling hard to get away, or even hiding under the bed. 

What is important is that you make your feelings absolutely CLEAR.  Personally I would scratch!!

Yours 

George.

Cat wrestling ... do humans understand?

Dear George,
Nope! It's not what you think (looking at my picture with my brother).

I'd tell what it is - it is called CAT WRESTLING and I'm the champion in our house. It all started with my desire to help Stanley (my brother) to be more active.
Lately there was a lot of talk about lifestyle, healthy eating, being active - all this non-sense. If you think how much we helped humans to evolve over the years one might wonder if we didn't do ourselves a disservice. As soon as we trained them to be our humble servants they never stopped. They developed canned food, dry food, food in pouches, treats, frozen goods including farmed and frozen mice and all this in the name of their love for us! 

We marvel at all these packaged goods but in the meantime we became less and less active. Obesity runs rampant in North America for both cats and their humble servants. My brother is just an example; he's not obese yet but he's not active and he sleeps all day. So, I thought of something fun to entertain him and make him "move" around. That's how I started cat wrestling and I was quite successful until the day Mom caught me and started yelling to leave Stanley alone. She THINKS we are fighting. She said cat wrestling is absolutely forbidden in our house!
George, this is the reason I'm writing to you. Can she get me in trouble? It's just a game! Can she "make" cat wrestling illegal? I don't think she understands what "wrestling" is all about. What do you think?
A very upset wrestling champion
Rocky

Dear Rocky,

You are so right. Indoor living has a high risk of obesity. Lots of energetic games between loving siblings is just what is needed to keep healthy. So wrestling is great. But there is one worry. How does Stanley feel about this?  Is he enjoying it too?  Or does he feel bullied?

Humans are hopeless at working out whether wrestling is fighting or play fighting.  And it matters, because if it is fighting, not play, one of the cats will be feeling very unhappy. Are you biting him, Rocky? Is there fur, or even blood, on the carpet? If so he needs a new home.   

Is Stanley beginning to wear a cautious look? Is he being ambushed at the litter tray? Or frightened to go to the food bowl?  If the answer is "Yes" to this, then you are bullying him. He needs lots of hiding places, separate litterbox location and a separate food location.

On the other hand if Stanley starts a wrestling bout, if he plays an equal part in the game, if he is sometimes the winner, and if the play is reciprocal - then it is play. So wrestle on, my friend.

Love 

George.

Is it time for Bite The Vet week?

Dear George,
Unfortunately ,I was sick the other night, and even though it was outside, Mummy found it, and whipped me to that horrid place where they stuck a glass thing up my bottom, so undignified, and needles in me, shaved off my fur to do this.  And left me in a cage all day with water going in my leg.
What a carry on. I did feel very queasy.
She did collect me at 5 and had cooked me fish, and chicken. Well I was famished so was glad to see food. I stayed out that night, popped in to wake up when I got hungry, and guess what? 
She shut me in at 8am and out came my basket and back we went to the vets, for another injection. Cost her over £300 so that'll teach her a lesson.
Lots more fish and chicken followed, but I've stayed out of the house , only entering to wake her for food at night or a cuddle in the evening, as I know she's is worried, but it has freaked me out.
I suppose it did make me better, but how would she like it?
I know you will understand ,George.
Lots of love,
Toby xx.

Dear Toby,
Vets. I loathe and detest them. I call them torturers.  They are always jabbing needles into us. And as for that thing up the bottom. My friend William used turn round smartly and bite the hand that was trying to stuff a glass tube up his backside. He wouldn't have it. 
And the smell. Each time I go there it smells of feline distress, anxious human, and smelly dogs. In the waiting room the worry smell is almost overpowering. And oddest of all, the humans don't seem able to smell the anxiety in the air. Even the dogs do. But not the humans.
I am thinking of starting a Bite The Vet week among fellow felines. Or maybe we could start a cat gang, kidnap a vet, hold him down and stick a tube up his bottom.
 With sympathy for your suffering,
George. 
PS. This blog is early because my human is putting me into captivity for week, as she goes away to enjoy herself. Sickening behaviour.  AND she was too late to put this photo of Mexico Day (May 4) on the previous blog. I wish humans were more efficient.

Bats and cats and human hypocrisy

Dear George,
Have you ever caught a bat?   When a king pipistrelles started to alarm my human on Monday night by zooming around her bedroom, I naturally leaped to her rescue, thinking that those black wing bits might be quite tasty.  I finally got the pesky thing last night and was disappointed to find that it was quite unpalatable, so I left the evidence to show my human I’d tried and helped myself to a young rabbit instead.   My human was impressed, as she should have been, but two things about her reaction worry me.  She is muttering about worming tablets, but it is not long since her last visit to the vet for these stupid pills and I worry that I may become ill if she worms me too often.   And she seemed confused about which recycling bin to use for the dead bat.  Here in South Oxfordshire we have a wide choice – recyclables, land-fill or food waste are the most popular.  The latter seems to obvious choice to me.
And one last question.  Why was the bat indoors anyway?   The colony lives somewhere in the roof space and normally flies out over the garden without any confusion.   Were they trying to stay out of the rain? What do you advise?
Yours ever,
Scaramouche.

Dear Scaramouche,
Bats... mmmm. You are just one lucky cat, Scaramouche. I have to catch mice in the garden and bring them into the house, when I want an interesting game at 3 am in the morning. You've got a colony of bats waiting for you in the roof space somewhere. Hours of fun .... stalking them, climbing into the attic, poking your whiskers into various spaces in the rafters etc.
You could catch one and release it into your human's bedroom. If you are careful not to hurt  its wings, it will then zoom round the room.  That should give you and her hours of enjoyment. Wait for her shrieks of delight. Or just have fun of placing yourself on a wall and batting them as they come out in the twilight. Biff Baff. Another bat hits the dust.
I have never caught one but I thought they were just mice with wings. I'm surprised they don't taste good. I would have thought they were a nice crunchy meal.  I can see the wings would be too tough to eat, but I would have thought the plump little bodies were quite tasty.  Or perhaps because they eat insects, they taste vile - like shrews do. I catch shrews all the time but I never eat them.
Some humans, particularly naturalists (so called) get very upset by our tendency to catch bats. Bats have more friends among humans than ordinary mice or shrews. Not sure why. There are little groups of humans all over the country trying to save bats from other humans and from cats like you.
Humans are terribly hypocrites. Bats are endangered species because humans persecute them. Admittedly we take a few of them - but nothing like the numbers killed by humans using chemicals in their lofts or blocking entry into their rooftops. Even churches often try to kill them.
I envy you. I do.
Yours
George.
PS. We look so alike we could almost be brothers. Humans reading this can get bat information at www.bats.org.uk