Saturday, April 29, 2023

Graveyards are feline parks.

Thank the God of cats for cemeteries. For cats who live in urban areas, graveyards and cemeteries are parks - green spaces in a wilderness of brick and concrete. We can wander in these spaces without the fear of harassment from angry gardeners.

Of course, they are not entirely animal or wildlife sanctuaries, due to human obsessive neatness. They will mow the lawn down to the roots. They also persist in leaving trashy plastic flowers instead of the real thing. Poor ignorant beings.

But for cats, if not for other wildlife, there are trees and short grass and the flatter old tombstones make a nice resting place. I prefer the older tombs, myself, as there is less human disturbance in the older areas.

There is almost always a church nearby - a place where there is shelter from the rain if only in a porch. I myself have attended the occasional funeral, to the amazement and delight of the mourners.

My friend, Jake, used to haunt a church in the hope that a friendly human would adopt him. Finally, as he lay almost dying just outside the porch under the yew tree, a kindly lady picked him up and took him home.

For the graveyard - as some those humans whose tombs I use also believed -- was the start of a happier life.


  • She's written a book ....  She'd like me to keep putting this on the blog. But I tell her she can only have smaller text!! There are limits to her purrsistence desire for publicity.

Saturday, April 22, 2023

A purr gets more than a nip

 Do you want to get the most out of your human? Do you want food, or stroking, or an opened door? Think smart....

A purr may be more effective than a nip. A nip gets human attention immediately. Very effective in one way. But only in one way... And is is the right kind of attention?

A purr allied with rubbing against your human's legs might get attention just as well. And a different more rewarding kind of attention.

Humans are easily flattered. They respond to a show of affection even if it is not genuine. Try the following when you want something:

  • Purr. Purr loudly and often. Humans fall for this one almost every time.
  • Purr and croak. This is a purr that has a bit of a miaow in it which makes it more urgent. And louder. I recommend this when the human is not attending.
  • Miaow. Loudly but not too often. If you miaow too much, the human may stop attending.
  • Rub your body against legs. Always useful in the kitchen.
  • Rub the face against your human's face. Very useful for waking them up in the night.
  •  Paw poke without claws. This must be done gently and carefully. 
  •  Slow blink. This only works with sensitive humans who pay attention to your body language. The stupid human won't get this or notice it. And most humans are stupid.
Act: do not react. Always ask yourself - what is the best way to get what I want...




Saturday, April 15, 2023

The artist sees the soul.


This is a portrait of my friend Mr Spangles. A proper portrait by a proper artist who can be found on Instagram

The rather poor photo below shows that it is a good likeness, though I think Spangles looks rather more cuddly in the photo.

That cuddly look is actually deceptive. Mr Spangles does not appreciate being cuddled. He is very wary of more than one or two strokes.

Three strokes and his human is out...nipped sharply. He makes his dislike of extended  petting very clear indeed. 

So perhaps the portrait has got his touch-me-if-you-dare character more clearly than the photo. The artist sees into the soul, where the camera cannot. There's an old poem that sums him up.

".. wild for to hold, though I seem tame."



Saturday, April 08, 2023

Me and food

 I like my food - regular portions delivered at the right time of day by my human. In an ideal world, each portion would be about the size of a small rodent and it would be delivered about six times a day.

That is how I would eat in the wild. I would have to hunt for each meal and many of my hunting attempts, at least half, would be unsuccessful. So to get six rodents, I should need to patrol, find the prey, and steady myself then launch a pounce at least 12 times a day.

That's  a lot of effort with space and patrolling between each hunting effort. So the timing of my meals would be one small meal, then a gap, then another.

That's not how I am fed. My owner puts down food for me usually twice a day, before she leaves the house and when she comes back. She used to leave unlimited dry food so I could snack as often as I liked, but I got too fat.

So, she puts the food down, usually an envelope. Then I eat some of it and leave about half. I often then ask for more even though there is half the food uneaten.

This irritates her. Even when I eat most of the food, I leave a little bit. 

"Why do you always leave something for Mr Manners," she asks rhetorically. 

I just smirk and meow for a new envelope.


Saturday, April 01, 2023

Recognise cat dependance disorder

 Cat dependence is a little known human disorder that can ruin the relationship between we felines and our human pets. The emotionally needy humans need our help. Here are some of the symptoms.

  • Humans insist on interrupting our sleep with unwanted petting.
  • Humans interfere when we are eating - with more unwanted petting.
  • Their separation anxiety (when away from us) is shown by their need to pet us unnecessarily, when they come home from a shopping trip.
  • They insist on putting us on their knee, when we wish to sleep somewhere else.
  • They pick us up and cuddle us when we do not wish to be cuddled.
  • They do not respect our bodily boundaries - ie they touch us on the belly, or at the base of the tail, when we have made it absolutely clear that these areas are out of bounds.
  •  They stare lovingly in a way that unsettles us.

Dealing with a cat-dependant human requires infinite patience, a careful programme of small nips to create proper boundaries, and the cultivation of a safe haven, where we can sleep uninterrupted. 


  • For more on human harrassment read Being Your Cat.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online