Cats and New Year’s Resolutions!

Dear George, 

I’m a very young rescued kitten! I share my new human parents and my forever home with three little human kittens and a bid dog, named Jake! I must admit as much as my human siblings wanted me in their life….Jake didn’t! He was just an old, grumpy dog who was jealous of me getting all the attention!

It took me about 2 weeks to train Jake to become my best friend and guardian. Now we sleep together – me under his protective big paw! Both Jake and I have received wonderful toys and treats for Christmas! But, last night I heard my mummy asking the human kittens to come up with at least three New Year’s Resolutions! 

I’ve panicked! Would she ask me too? Jake? First of all I don’t know what the New Year’s resolutions are or what their purpose is! Do cats and dogs need to make some?  Or are they only for humans? I’m scratching my head to come up with at least one but I can’t think of anything! George, I need your help.

Can you make some suggestions? New Year’s Eve is only few nights away! I’m sure Jake will benefit too!

Purrlease…some ideas so we won’t be caught off guard! 

Wishing you, Celia, the Feline World and their humans a Happy Healthy New Year!

Whiskers

Dear Whiskers,
Feline new year resolutions should be simple. What does a pet human need? It needs more training and some careful encouragement for good behaviour.  A well trained human is a happy human! The same goes for Jake, your canine companion.
But let's be clear. It easier to train a human if it doesn't know it is being trained. So I suggest that you do not let your human discover what your resolution is. Merely put your resolution into practice from January 1 onwards. The ideal pet human is well behaved and obedient without realising that this behaviour has been trained into it.
Be firm.  Be consistent. Be kind. These are the principles of training an inferior species. 
Yours 
George.

 

-->

Of humans, cats and exercise!

Dear George,

I’m totally puzzled by the amount of money, time and attention humans spend on such “non-sense” as exercise or work-out (if you wish)! I look at my human mommy and wonder about her sanity! She gets the latest fashionable sport gears, she’s getting up at 6 in the morning to run her 3k like a maniac, she’s obsessed with cardio, aerobic, yoga, etc. – you name it and she’ll be right on! I no longer know what to make of her! I really think I like my human daddy better! Not that he’s lazy but he doesn’t do all these crazy things! I think he’s a great cat at heart! George, my problem is: how do I convince my mommy that following the cats’ path to wellbeing is better and safer that the crazy things she does now!  How do I convince her that getting up late, being late for work, staying in bed with me and just doing the stretch I do (see the photo attached) is much more fun and much safer than running outside in cold weather! So much more joyful and peaceful!

Are most humans actually incarnated dogs? Definitely dogs will do these crazy things!

Puzzled, lazy but… happy

Stanley

Dear Stanley,

Humans would be so much happier if they imitated us cats. We know how to relax and we also know how to minimize effort (which isn't quite the same thing!). And we don't spend money on sports clothing. Indeed, we are purrfectly happy even though we don't spend money at all. Not a cent. Not a penny.

How do you convince a human to slow down? Impossible, I fear. They are a restless species unable to lead a sensible life. My latest book, 100 Ways to be More Like Your Cat, (alas published under the name of my human pet, Celia, and available here) tries to bet through to humans. But I don't think it working.

Yours gloomily

George

PS. Don't get me started on dogs and their craziness.

-->

Update from the Black Kitty & the Christmas miracle

Dear George,
I wanted to give you and your blog readers an update on my situation.

As I mentioned in my Christmas letter I found my new Mummy and moved to my forever home! She started by looking very carefully at me and trying to find me a name that suits me well. First she tried “Midnight”! It is a beautiful name but, unfortunately it only reminded me of the cold nights when I was living on the streets! I didn’t want to disappoint her so I simply didn’t react to the name! 
Then, she looked at me again and said “Dolce” – that’s it: Dolce! which is Italian for “sweets” something like “sweetie pie” in English! George, I must tell you – I had tears in my eyes! I instantly LOVED the name! I looked at her and meowed my approval and gave her a little kiss! I think that sealed our love forever! She IS the best mum! She plays piano for me …serenading me.

She even left a big empty box in the center of the room (as you can see in the photo) so we can play “hide and seek”! I love her and I’m forever grateful she opened her heart and home to me. I give her lots of kisses and head rubs! I don’t know how else to show her my love and appreciation! George, any other suggestions?

Molto contenta (very happy)

Dolce

Dear Dolce,
No need to go overboard in appreciation.  You have done her a favour by making her into your pet. Keep a little back... so that she appreciates those head rubs when they come. She will value them more if you do not give them too often.
Now you need to help her understand that rewards such as head rubs have to be earned. As wise trainers say, rewards are contingent on correct behaviour. Head rubs, little licks, loud purrs and a lot of lap time -- this is what humans crave from cats.
It won't be difficult. She is obviously a trainable human. The box was thoughtful even imaginative. The name is really lovely.
Yours
George

To Toby ....with love!

-->

Dear George,

I'm quite disturbed by Toby's last week letter and the fact that these young kids, sorry kittens, might get the wrong message! For their sake I want to set the record straight and I need, of course, your help! What was most disturbing about the video Toby posted was the fact that these kids might get the idea that "they have to work" for food which you and I know it's a nonsense! So, I'm going to list some rules that hopefully all kittens will follow. And, you my dear friend are more then welcome to complete my list as you are the Master!

Rule # 1: Never ever sweat the small stuff! You do not need to jump over any bar to get food. It might be fun when you are young and full of energy but think about older cats that might not be able to jump over and over. Then...what? Are they going to starve? No! Here is all you need to do - see my photo # 1 (that's how I ask for food).

Rule # 2: Never show your human you liked the food! Even if you like the food and want more....don't show it. Instead, pretend that you did them a favour by eating some (make sure you leave a bit in your bowl) and then....ignore them, look away (my photo # 2). I can guarantee you they will worry about this; why you didn't finish your dinner? maybe you didn't like it? maybe you want something else? Guaranteed....they will open another can :-)

Rule # 3: Never ever follow or obey to any of their instructions! You can have infinite fun by fooling them giving them the impression that wow! they trained you! The minute they brag about ...act completely dumb! This will confuse them to no end and make them look stupid in their friends' eyes:-)

Rule # 4: Make sure YOU RUN the house! Make sure you got them wrapped around your little paws first.... before following these rules especially if you are a rescue. This way you avoid re-homing!

Now, I would let George to share his wisdom and give the young generation some solid advice!

Happy Valentine's Day to all cats (and their humble humans)

Lovely purrs

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
I cannot add to your letter. You have laid it out on the line. I have always said that every kitten should start as they mean to go on - training their humans into willing and eager obedience.
Obviously your method works. Your splendid Rubinesque figure shows that beyond doubt.
I bow to your superior sense.
Yours respectfully
George. 
-->

What the hell do my humans think they are doing - A DOG!

My portrait by my human Nancy

Well George,     

Here I am again.
I’m rather tired, having been waging war with THE DOG - the small interloper I am forced to share my house with. She arrived without anyone asking my permission; a little, panting, whimpering ball of fur, who immediately had both my humans’ total attention. 
Apparently, she’s what is called a “Rescue Dog” [which means that she’s been rescued, not that she goes up mountains with a cocktail shaker hanging off her collar] and because of that, I’m supposed to be nice to her.

Honestly George, she arrived with so much stuff; -- blankets and toys, biscuits and bones, plus a couple of things called “Pig’s Ears.” My human gave her one, to keep her calm [or just plain shut her up], but she was in such a state she didn’t want it.   
So I took and hid it on top of the wardrobe, which is my favourite hiding place. [You should see how many pens and paint brushes I have up there!  My humans are “artists” and have heaps of them, or did have before I got to them] 
Ha!  Chaos:  1   DOG:  nil 
Next step was to register my disapproval, so I had a chew at one of the big pot plants in the lounge. It’s a “Maidenhair Fern.” How do I know this?   Because She Who Must be Obeyed was yelling “Chaos, leave the.....alone” at the top of her voice.
So I sat in it.

It’s outside the window now, on the deck....Rats. 
Human:  1    Chaos: nil 
As I mentioned before, I ask for biscuits, sitting on the arm of Her chair......unfortunately, THE DOG has realised that I am getting something she is not, so my Human now tosses her MY biscuits...yes, my biscuits at the same time, because [get this] she doesn’t like dog biscuits!
Well!
If she’s going to run around the room like a wet ferret, chasing my biscuits, then so am I.......so now I have to get down from my special perch, and race around like the idiot dog. [Sigh] 
THE DOG: 1       Chaos: 1   
A  draw? 

Yours 
Chaos 

Dear Chaos,
Do not take any impertinence from the dog. If there is trouble, stand your ground and swipe. Hard. It is essential that you establish your position as Top Cat from the very start of the relationship. The dog must look up to you and accept you as its total superior.
It sounds as if you are starting well by stealing the pig's ear. Now you must start training the dog. It sounds as if your humans use positive reinforcement (with your biscuits) to train this inferior mammal. You should use ruthless punishment - institute a claw and order programme immediately. 
And have a back up escape plan - high up. Dogs can't climb.
Dogs have an instinct to back down in any trial of strength and make pathetic appeasement efforts such as rolling on their back, licking their lips, and even raising a paw. When we raise a paw it is a threat. With them it is a supplication. You may have to explain this to the dog by following up your paw raising with a proper swipe.
Best of luck. It is typical that your humans did not ask your permission. Who do they think they are? Top of the hierarchy? Idiots.
Yours
George.
PS. I like the portrait.

Don't believe everything a human does.

Dear George,
I have just seen a human friend looking at a book entitled Tilly - the ugliest cat in the shelter. My eyes went very wide in horror. Who dreamt (nightmared) up this title?
There is no such thing as an ugly cat, although I do concur that those poor catty souls bred without fur by loathsome humans may qualify.  Cats on a scale of 1 to 100 are mostly 100, with a few coming in at a 94. That's it!
The kitten Tilly on the cover is a nice, smart, lovely mixture of patchwork colours. I did however see on the back of this book pictures that purported to be a grown-up Tilly which looked rather strange as this cat was long-haired. And some of the colour patches had swapped places.
And I heard the human reader muttering something about "bad production" and "brainless editors" because the "Tilly" on the cover has medium blue eyes while the grown-up "Tilly" has pale yellow eyes!
These two are not the same cat! Who designed this book? Who approved the proofs? Are they still taking money under the false pretence of doing a good accurate and truthful job? I think we shuld be told in the name of good journalism (current on-going trial of some occupants of The Street of Shame excepted).
Is this the world I have to live in?
Love to all nice people.
From Breezey (age 15 weeks).


Dear Breezey,
Humans are strange creatures with a lower nature than ours. Of course there are no ugly cats. Never have been. Never will be - despite the internet craze for a so called grumpy cat. We are graceful, elegant, beautiful creatures from birth to death. Unlike humans.
Yes, the photo is a lookalike not the real Tilly. You can see from these photos. Shocking duplicity! But we have to remember that humans cannot think like we do. They are without any moral sense (or any common sense) whatsoever.  
I am told that the publishers said that photos of the real Tilly were either "too pretty" or "too ugly." Some humans are never satisfied. But the story is true and Tilly's real photo is on the inside cover. 
Yours 
George.
PS You have a delightful nose.
PPS. See channel 4 at 20.00 this Saturday for documentary about our Wiltshire Walking World

The cat in the bag. Catnip shock horror for humans.

Dear George,
The other day I started tidying up my place (in case Puss-Puss will move over - see her comments here) and I came across old toys, almost forgotten - all stuffed with good stuff like catnip, catmint, honeysuckle, etc. I was enjoying them again when my mummy came home unexpectedly. She startled me so I jumped in a bag! When she saw my look (as in the photo) she seemed rather amused and said something like: “Aha! The cat is in the bag”!
Hearing her….I just passed out….. for about 10 minutes!
That’s when the trouble started: she panicked. I could hear her (like in a dream) calling daddy and saying “Come home, Fluffy got stoned!” I mean …what mother would say that? A bit later I was quite fine but she was angry by then and I didn’t understand why! She said something like “you are in trouble missy”. I mean…what kind of trouble? 
None of these fine plants are illegal, are they? So, what did I do wrong?
Worse to come….I can say … I got high …..legally, right?
I wonder how come they know about “these things” since they live such a boring and plain, simple life? George, can you explain what happened?
Quite puzzled
Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
Humans are so puritanical. What's wrong with catnip and catmint? We cats do recreational drugs without any difficulty. It's only humans that go too far and either lie around for hours giggling or sway about from too much alcohol, a drug which incidentally is very bad for cats.
We can control getting high: they can't. That's why they go mental if we do a little drug use. I enjoy sniffing not just catnip but also pears and nail varnish, and I've been told that the kolomite vine, bogbeans and valerian (kind of drowsy) give a mild legal high. This is substance use, not substance abuse - though if humans start interfering and put this stuff in our food we might overdose.
So leave it to us, you interfering humans. We know what we like. We know how much we can take. We can walk away from it after a few delightful minutes. You can't. You are vulnerable to substance abuse and drunkenness. If we are left alone to choose our own highs, we aren't.
So tell your humans not to panic, not to interfere and not to spike our food with anything. Yes, Fluffy, I know your humans would never do the latter but there are irresponsible drug user humans who have tried to give their cats alcohol, pot or even heroin - disgusting behaviour. 
But what can you expect from such an inferior species?
George.

Cell phones and cool cats. Puss Puss speaks out.

Dear George,
Really, I am at my wit’s end. As you know, my human female has always been a challenging subject—fascinating for research, terrible in the service department. And it’s gotten worse! This past weekend, the time was 5:30—in the morning!—and there was no sign of a forthcoming meal. Naturally, I went to awaken the humans to demand service. I opened their bedroom door, jumped up on the bedside table, and poked, prodded, and meowed plaintively; but I got no response. I was motivated only by concern: I could have starved to death, a circumstance which I find extremely concerning.

While desperately trying to awaken the human female, I noticed her cell phone on the bedside table. I have examined this device before, and find that it changes pictures interestingly when prodded. Also, I have heard the female vocalizing on it in the past, apparently to other humans. In my moment of need, I reasoned that if humans communicate with phones, perhaps I could use this phone to remotely give other humans orders to come and feed me—which would be useful. So, I decided to use my human female’s cell phone to signal for help.
Unfortunately, the bald thumbist prejudice with which these devices are constructed renders them difficult to use by higher beings who lack apelike grip hooks on their limbs. In frustration, I poked at the phone, and I prodded it; and all I succeeded in arriving at was something called a “Facebook page,” where there happened to be displayed an annoying photograph of a cake. But I noticed something: if you don’t like the pictures of cakes or humans or what have you that are on these “pages,” there’s a little button you can poke which reports it as “inappropriate”—presumably to some central authority, which logically must signal some official humans to come and take away the human who put the offending picture there. I was angry, George, and I was hungry, and I have had years of slow and shoddy service from this human female. So I did it. I pushed the “report” button, and then sat back comfortably on the phone to wait for my miscreant humans to be taken away for
neglecting me.
Not only did no-one show up to take these humans away, but the stupid phone has an alarm in it, which makes it vibrate at a certain time. I was sitting upon the phone, awaiting justice, when this alarm went off. You can imagine, George, that my distress was immediate and complete. I later needed an extra meal and a nap in the closet to recover from the shock. And it turns out that all that I reported was the stupid picture of the stupid cake, a mistake which the human female later and with great embarrassment sorted out with the cake’s owner.
So here it is: I am at the end of my rope. I don’t think these humans can be turned into decent servants, years of effort notwithstanding; and reporting the deadbeats I live with to whatever authorities monitor the cake pages proved to be an exercise in futility. George, help me: is there some way I can bend the humans’ technology to my will, use it to re-home the lot of them (two humans, their human kitten, and their ridiculous little dogs), and keep the house for myself? It is, after all, my territory, and I have worked long and hard getting it to smell and look just so. Can I somehow phone in an order for another complete human staff to come to me, instead of me going to them, and have them provide me with meals and regular litter box changes, not to mention an unending supply of tuna-flavored Pounce? There is some Pounce left, in the kitchen, but the supply is down to two full bottles and I think that this is a dangerously low level. Maybe there is a central authority I can
ring up for more Pounce?
George, I rely upon your calm feline guidance to help me determine a course of action. I anxiously await your advice. Time is of the essence! I haven’t eaten in nearly an hour.

Neglectedly,
Puss-Puss
.

Dear Puss-Puss,
I am in awe of you. You are the first cat I know who has successfully used Facebook. And what was wrong with labelling a human cake inappropriate? It surely was. Now a photo of a bowl full of cat food or even a mouse would have been appropriate. Don't give up. Purrsue this excursion into social networking further.
Although we naturally want to rehome unsatisfactory humans, it is usually easier for us cat flap cats to rehome ourselves. But not in a hurry. First explore the neighbourhood, visit various humans, and assess whether they would make better pets than your own. This will involve setting up new territory which is a massive bore.
Why not see if you can progress further. Get on to twitter and start tweeting your dilemma to the outside world. This might shame them into better behaviour. I see you have already purrsuaded your human to post about you on the Cats Behaving Badly Facebook page. Go further: set up your own Facebook page and start letting the world know about your awful humans.
And congratulations on a feline first. Keep poking that mobile phone.
George.

My human pet (I call him Daddy) stole my prey!

Dear George,
That’s exactly what happened; my human daddy stole my prey!
The other day I took up to some of your readers’ advice and jumped over the fence to discover the world beyond it. That alone made me a “bad, bad girl” – that’s what my humans told me. I had no idea that “jumping over a fence” will make me a bad cat!
Well, I was a bit confused and I thought of a way to make it up to them so I brought them a nice gift – a fat, young baby bird. Were they happy? I don’t think so as they start screaming and he almost kicked my butt (literally) pushing me outside and kept the bird inside. Is that the way humans manifest their joy and appreciation? Now I’m even more confused since I didn’t see the bird since then. What do you think he did with it? Obviously he stole it from me and probably pretended to my mom that he caught the bird for her…. while I was left outside waiting (see photo) like a cold turkey (metaphorically).
Now what? What should I do? Do you think they ate my prey?
Very confused
Zoe

Dear Zoe,
My blood boiled when I read your letter. I wanted to mew "Me too! Me too! They do it to me too!" This is an absolutely disgusting habit of humans. No, they don't eat it. They just take it off us, before we can eat it. And then.... can you believe it? .. they throw it away. A whole delicious meal just goes into the trash can.
I can see from your expression, with your ears back, that you have been horribly upset by this experience. This abuse often happens when you present a bird to your humans. Why? I just don't know. They eat plenty of chicken, which is just another big bird. But when we show resourcefulness and go out and get a bird of our own, they go berserk.
It isn't just the ingratitude of it. It's the sheer waste. Many of us have decided that our humans don't seem to like any birds smaller than chicken or turkey. So we switch to mice. Or even rats. 
There's nothing more delicious than a plump mouse but they never eat one! The human response to rodents varies between screaming and jumping on a chair, to scooping up the living rodent and taking it to the nearest park. As for rabbits ... the hysteria is the same.
My advice to you it is to take your bird somewhere in the garden where they can't see what you are doing. Then either eat it yourself or leave it there. 
Yours in utter frustration and fury
George.

Freedom..... why do humans fuss so much?

Dear George, 

I’m Zoe – remember me? About two years ago (on a sunny Father’s Day) I was rescued from a shelter as my human daddy fell in love with me – I was such a cute kitten! It was love at first sight. Well, I grew up since and I’m very proud to announce that in these two years I trained my humans unexpectedly well and I even got “my human mommy” hooked for life (of course to me). But, all this time I was kept indoors as they were too scared to let me out in the backyard. But now, I finally can claim……VICTORY!
I convinced them to let me out to enjoy my beautiful backyard.
At the beginning they let me out in the garden on a leash and under their strict supervision. Now they start letting me out free, no more leash but I think they are stalking me. If I jump trying to catch a butterfly ….they jump from a nearby bush. If I hide under a bush hunting something….they come to see what I’m doing. I really enjoy the garden - as you can see in the pictures - but how can I make them stop stalking me? I don’t want to call the police on them. Any tips? I’m so happy to be free in the garden!
Happy Father’s Day to all fathers!
Zoe

Dear Zoe,
Looks like you are having a great time in the garden. I can see you are measuring up that fence with the idea of climbing over it. And it's lovely to nap on a bed of flowers, isn't it?
The freedom issue is a tough one for us cats. In the USA veterinary humans (grrrr... how I loathe vets) are in favour of keeping all cats indoors. What do I think of that? Well to me it seems like keeping us captive in a zoo. Not an impossible life but a diminished life - unless humans do a lot to entertain us. And by the way they can get some tips here. I suppose if you have never known freedom, then you don't know what you have missed. The feral cat down the road says this to me when I discuss my lack of interest in sex after the snip.
But you have made your bid for freedom. I suggest luring your humans into a state of relaxation about it. Humans can't help worrying. It is part of their emotional dependence upon us cats. They may seem like adults or father figures; but at heart they are just kittens when it comes to their relationship with the superior species, us. They are neotonised - that's the posh word for it. We are the grown ups.
So don't let them see you eyeing up the fence. Pretend that you are happy just to chill out in the garden. Give them a month of this, and they will stop worrying.
Then you can whisk over that fence for a look at the big world outside.
Love 
George.

Dear George,
Should I marry my human?  This is the issue of the day, now that Karl Lagerfeld the fashion designer has admitted that he wants to marry his cat, Choupette. He has fallen in love with her.
Nothing surprising about that, you might say, - the falling in love. We know that humans can become almost entirely emotionally focussed upon their cat or cats. Some refuse to go on holiday or even away for the day, because it will mean an absence from their loved one. 
But marriage? This isn't really a feline relationship. We do friendships but not marriage. I wonder if it would just make the human even more hopelessly dependent. What do you think?
Yours doubtfully
Beauty.

Dear Beauty,
Marriage between a cat and a human would not be a good idea. Sure, humans might want it and might enjoy it. But it will put an awful strain on the cat. We felines like our freedom - freedom to walk down the road for a second breakfast, freedom to sit by another person's fire while our humans are out, freedom not to come when called. Marriage would be the union of one person and one cat for life - no two timing.
Besides, it is unnatural.There, I have said it. We don't do that sort of thing. Those of us lucky enough to have kept our sexual powers, go out on to the roof tops to mate. Most litters of kittens have more than one father. We queue up for it! It makes perfect sense, in an evolutionary way, to have a diverse litter so that more kittens may survive. That's not the way of marriage.
You have also spotted the other major problem. Humans can become hopelessly dependent on us - Karl Lagerfeld is a good example of this. We need to help them be a little more adult about their love for us and a little less needy. Marriage won't help: it will harm these pathetic humans.
Yours sincerely
George.
PS. I wouldn't want to marry Karl Lagerfeld or even have a civil union with him. He's too old for me.

No blog this week. My secretary is unavailable.

The household is in a mess. People keep coming and going. There's a weird sort of suitcase breathing and pumping oxygen. One of my human pets is very ill but they don't seem able to end it for him. It is a pity humans don't have proper vets. I hate vets but they have their uses when our health fails completely. Celia, my secretary, is therefore too busy to help me write this blog this weekend. So I have merely uploaded this photo of my profile just to share my handsome good looks with other cats.

Am I psychologically damaged?

Hello George,

My name is Jake, Shakey Jake and a girl – don’t ask; that’s another story. My slave keeps suggesting I’m ‘damaged’. Me? You should see some of the things she gets up to! Anyway I am concerned she may be right but to understand why I think this you need to understand where I have come from. This is me at about four weeks old. ‘Where is your mother?’ I hear you ask; well I’d like to know that too! I was found in a metal fright container by a man; my slave calls him ‘dad’. I went to the vets who believed I was about 2 days old. I had fleas and a flea allergy to boot, this left me with no fur. 

This is me as a kitten

When the aforementioned ‘dad’ opened the box slave asked ‘what the hell is that?’ but I was asking myself the very same questions. I forgave her this indiscretion when she woke up every two hours to feed and help me do my business. She treated my fleas and when I went back to the vets 2 days later he thought I was doing well – naturally. The vet then made the suggestion they sneak me in with dad’s dog that had just had puppies. Sneak me in? Like that would work, but alas it did!

When I was 5 weeks me and the slave moved. I like to think this was all for me but apparently it was planned. So I left the dog and the brute, Rufus (big feral ginger tom – you know the type), it was just me and the slave. She’s a reasonably good slave. I have a good vocal range with an impressive volume which is hard to ignore and have mastered the art of knocking things off surfaces to get her attention.  I have a pillow and she knows it, if she tries to sleep on it I sleep on her, she soon moves! 
Now this brings me back to my concern. I have a habit or more of a compulsion. I still like to suckle, suckle my slave to be precise. She wears a fab purple fleece dressing at times which is great but failing that I will suckle her nose, collar bone, I don’t even mind a toe. Everyone thought I would grow out of this but I’m three now and still love it – I just can’t help it!

Jake x

Dear Jake,
I have to admit that needing to suckle your human's dressing gown or body parts can be classified as a little eccentric. But really it's quite natural. It's a kitten thing. Your human brought you up, fed you, cleaned you, and generally acted as your mother. So she is your mother. 
But.... your real mother would have pushed you away when she had decided it was time to wean you. You would have learned that further sucking would result in a fed up mum. Humans can't teach us all the stuff we need to know.  Your slave should start gently pushing you away each time you do it and turning her back on you or leaving the room immediately afterwards, withdrawing her attention. In a word, she must try to wean you.
I don't usually recommend too much co-operation with humans. They get above themselves too easily. But this is a rare exception when you should try to co-operate, Jake. What you don't want is to develop a real eating disorder and become one of those cats that starts eating the dressing gown rather than just sucking. I don't think this will happen to you, unless your biological mother or father were Siamese. It seems to be a breed thing. But it might.
I also think too much affection or dependence is bad for humans. They should not be given the impression that we need them (except for food and shelter). Cultivate a little distance from her, Jake. Don't become a cat who loves too much. Keep your pet in her place. She may be your foster mother but remember she is your intellectual, social and physiological inferior.
George.
PS. Don't get too worried by this. Cats that persist in suckling their humans usually come to no great harm. It's the dressing gown, not the body parts, that worries me!

How to make guilt work for you... colour the house ME.

Dear George

I thought you'd be interested to hear how I've re-oriented my humans' home decoration plans to have a proper focus upon my needs. Tiresomely, they decided to extend the house last month. Cue builders, dust, banging and fearful smells. As you can imagine, I have gone out of my way to express my disgust. I have hidden in the wardrobe every day and refused to come out – even ignoring my male human's most earnest wheedling entreaties and proffered treats.  I know this hurts his feelings. 
I have also insisted upon being fed at the most inconvenient times, and have gone out of my way to get under their feet in the small room that now serves as a kitchen/diner/living room (half of the house is temporarily 'missing'). I have been sniffy, 'absent', difficult and aloof – all designed to impress upon them how deeply offended I am by these absurd Works.
Regrettably, I have been unable to stop the extension, which my people hopefully insist will be finished by Christmas (yet more proof – if more were needed – of how stupid human beings can be). On the upside, though, I've won an unusual victory in an unexpected quarter.
My people are hopeless with colours and decoration: everything's painted cream and white, because they haven't a clue about what looks good. After what felt like years of debate and argument, they finally saw what should have been obvious from the very start: that using ME as their colour palette is the perfect solution. My own rather attractive markings make clear that white and bluey-grey go frightfully well together. So now they're modelling the entire room on me. 
My female human keeps pretending it's so that my discarded fur won't be visible against the blue-grey kitchen tiles, but from the looks He keeps casting my way it's obvious we all know the Truth: That they're so deeply guilty about putting me through all the agonies of the build that they're doing me the honour of immortalising me in the kitchen décor.
My view? Well, I'm vaguely flattered of course. But only vaguely. In truth, as you'll agree, it's the least they can bloody do.

Herbie

Dear Herbie,
I must congratulate you on a splendid campaign of positive punishment (as we training theorists call it) towards your humans. You instigated a truly impressive series of tactics. Why did were they not effective? One possibility is that the punishment was too subtle. Had you been a large felid, you could simply have attacked them and produced serious injury. Alas, that tactic is not available to small felids.
Another less likely possibility is that the campaign failed to work due to the limited mental capacity of Homo sapiens. They may have failed to make the connection between the punishment and the Works. On the other hand their colour choice of British blue throughout suggests that they did have a glimmer of intelligence about your reaction. Perhaps they were simply in denial of the obvious, a frequent human failing.
I wish you well in the new kitchen. The fact that your humans feel guilt about it is a good sign for the future. Make 'em guilty, keep' em guilty, and eat all the extra food they give you "to make up".
Yours
George.

Vote for me and support World Spay Day - alas not for humans

Hi George,
I'm Jasper. The person who takes care of me, Alice Cornwall, has entered me in The Humane Society of the United States' and Humane Society International's World Spay Day Online Pet Photo Contest. Now I need your human to help me win some cool prizes -- and raise critical funds for spaying and neutering to control pet overpopulation. Please vote for me here.
This is how it works. Donate to vote for me here. For every US $1 you donate, I'll be awarded 1 vote. (And if you donate US $5, you'll be able to give me 5 votes, and so on!) All of your donation goes to the organization that we've chosen to sponsor, and supports a great cause—spaying and neutering animals to help control pet overpopulation!
To celebrate the 17th annual World Spay Day on February 28, 2012, The Humane Society of the United States and Humane Society International are telling everyone how spaying and neutering improves pets' lives. In addition to making pets like me better, more affectionate companions, spaying and neutering helps animals live longer and healthier.
I'd appreciate your vote and donation today, but if you'd like to enter your own pet in the contest, then please do -- I can handle some friendly competition!
Your human can enter the contest until 5 p.m., Eastern Time, on February 29, 2012; voting ends at 10 p.m., Eastern Time, on February 29, 2012. You'll help make a huge difference in the lives of pets everywhere.
Sincerely,
Jasper

Dear Jasper,
I have mixed feelings about World Spay day. Very mixed. Yes, I do support it. Some of the most elegant and world famous cats like me and Larry of Downing St have had the snip. We are metrosexual cool cats. Just occasionally I think longingly of roof tops and caterwauling and queuing up near a sexy little female cat... the road not taken. But I have chosen the nobler better path, I know.
But what about a World Human Spay Day. Why can't we support that. There are far to many Homo sapiens (LOL!) around and the human overpopulation is really really serious. Could we start a charity called the Human Humane Society or the Humane Feline Society, to spread the snip among the males of the species, and the op among the females. They breed like.... well, not to offend my friend Harvey,... humans.
The number of human kittens worldwide is truly frightening. Admittedly they are not competition. They are useless at mousing and while humans will probably exterminate all the big cats like tigers and lions, we small cats can run rings round them. We will be there when humans are an endangered species due to their trashing of their own environment.
Your very welcome letter has given me food for philosophising.
Yours
George
PS. My old friend tabby and white William has retired from his twitter account and handed it over to Tilly Ugliest Cat. Pulchritude-wise this is not an improvement.

Humans and a fuss about nipples.

Dear George
I am very worried about my human who seems to be obsessed with her nipple. She only has two and I overhear her talking about one of them. Apparently she wants the vet to cut it off and store it somewhere on her body, like in her armpit. Her plan is that he then cuts off her mammary gland, keeps the nipple, and sews it back on to a reconstruction. He refused point blank.
Do you think I could give her one of mine. I have a nice row of them either side of the milk line and I would never miss one of mine.
Yours anxiously
Tilly.

Dear Tilly,
What a generous cat you are. What an exciting vision - a beautiful feline nipple, surrounded by lovely tortoiseshell fur, growing on your human's mammary area that was. It would be a bit like Diana Dors' (or was it Jayne Mansfield's) mink bikini. Very elegant.
But the vet is right. It just wouldn't work.
Personally I can't see why your human want a reconstruction anyway. Losing a teat is bad luck, but a false one, even a falsie in flesh, isn't going to be functional? Can't feed kittens, can it? Yet these humans are obsessed with their teats. Odd. Very odd indeed. I suppose it is something to do with only having two of them - another sign of human inferiority. I have always thought the human body would look much nicer with a line of them starting where they are now and going down either side to below the waist. But the great Cat in the sky did not make them like that.
No, I suggest you concentrate on purr therapy for her. She's going to feel rather ill after the vet's operation. Give her lots of purrs and rubs but hang on to your nipple. Human welfare does not require us to give our body parts to our human pets.
Yours cautiously,
George
I can recommend a rather touching book, admittedly about the inferior species the dog. Dog Walks Man, by John Zeaman, (Hamlyn £7.99). A sort of meditation on dog walking.... I may come back to this later.

Whiskers....our pride, glory, and a sign of intelligence?

Dear George,

Is there any connection between the number of whiskers one has and one’s intelligence?

My brother is trying to convince me that more whiskers one has ….more intelligent one is! He’s telling me that “tomcats” have more whiskers… generally speaking!

George, is this true? Or is my brother a misogynist? If this theory is true….does it applies to humans too? I can see that our “daddy” has more whiskers than “mommy” but why is he shaving every night then? Is he afraid that his intelligence will overgrow while he’s sleeping? And…what purpose will have shaving legs? I don’t get it!

George, what is the difference between our whiskers and human whiskers?

All confused

Minnie

Dear Minnie,

Your brother George is right that proper functioning whiskers are a sign of intelligence. They tell us if we can pass through tight places, they send sensitive messages back to the whisker pad and the brain, and when we catch a mouse, they move forward to touch it so we can tell if it is struggling while in our mouth (as our eyes couldn't swivel enough to see). Brilliant, brilliant things. Our Pride and Our Glory.

They are a sign of superiority over humans and our greater intelligence (more information reaches the feline brain from our whiskers). Many humans, including many females, don't have any whiskers at all. Those that do either shave them off, pluck them out (ouch), or have electric shock treatment to get rid of them. Why? Because their whiskers are non-functional bits of hair that aren't worth the face they are growing on. Human whiskers, even the thick long ones grown by the males in a beard, do nothing. They can't move. They just catch bits of old food. Horrible things.

However, where George has gone wrong is thinking that male toms have more whiskers than females. If toms are bigger than females, as they often are, then the whiskers will be longer so as to embody the right proportions with the bigger body. But they will be the same number. Incidentally blind cats grow super-normal growth whiskers to hellp them "see" with them. We also have whiskers above the eyes and on the forefeet, where they can feel a mouse if we jump on it and hold it down with our front claws.

Male humans have more whiskers than females but I do not think it is a sign of intellectual superiority. As females seem to be more addicted to cats, I consider the reverse may be true. Or may be there is no connection.

That, dear Minnie, is the glory and the beauty of our whiskers. Poor human pets are deprived of these wonderful organs.

Love George

PS. You both have lovely whiskers... purrrrfect

Trouble and strife with my human

Due to a disgraceful failure of duty in my secretary, Celia, there were no posts this weekend. She claims it was due to an ISP failure just before she took four days off. I have told her that she has no right to any time off. As her owner I expect her to be a ready and willing servant at all times. She has now gone on a two day strike, withdrawing her labour under the guise of continuing what she calls a "holiday" for another 48 hours. I told her that cats don't do holidays and they don't expect their humans do to do them either. Posts will resume next Saturday or she will have very badly scratched limbs.
Yours very disgruntedly
George

Why must humans have kittens of their own?

Dear George,

I do not understand why humans want to have kittens of their own when they have us!

What’s wrong with them? Isn’t serving and loving us sufficient? My humans decided to have a kitten without even asking me! One day I came home and there was this little cry that scared the hack out of me!

Now, I must admit that he is a cute kitten! So cute that he could pass as one of mine. The human kitten is 1 ½ year old now and thinks I’m his mother or something. He tries to kiss me or sleep on me (as you can see in the picture) or feed me. He scares me big time as he screams (with joy) each time he sees me.

I have mixed feelings! I can re-home myself across the street with an elderly couple. I live (on and off) with them for almost 1 year now. My female human is really upset. They want me back home but …..if I come back …I want their full attention.

George, what should I do? Move back home and embrace this kitten as one of mine?

Maybe you or other cats can share some tricks on how to deal with human kittens?

Stunned

Trixy

Dear Trixy,
Most good human owners wish they could neuter and spay their humans. In any cat-human relationship it becomes clear that humans are slave to their sexual urges. They do it all the time. Only a sensible programme of one-off birth control - snip and spay as I call it - will do the trick. Alas, though they can do it to us, we can't do it to them. Our only possibility is to purrsuade them to go ahead and choose neutering or its human equivalent (a choice which they don't allow us).
It is mystery to me why humans should opt for human kittens in the first place. Children are no substitute for cats. They are born bald, completely helpless, without whiskers (these only grow on maturity or old age), and they cannot walk for months and months. Compared with proper kittens, they are (to speak frankly and without being politically correct) retarded. There is simply no comparison but I am afraid we just have to put up with their funny and unintelligent ways...
Should you move back home with the human kitten? No, but visit at meal times. There is no reason why you should not have two homes. Lots of humans do this. Treat the elderly couple as your home for sleeping, quiet contemplation and normal meals. Pop back to your original home for a second round of meals and a little interaction with the human kitten. Two timing humans is fun for cats.
Speaking of neutering, I have been told (not sure how accurate it is) that some of the Japanese and Chinese comments being put on this blog are sexual. As a cat that has had the snip (unlike my irresponsible owners now luckily too old for reproduction) I am concerned about this. So for the time being - until I can find a Japanese or Chinese cat to translate comments for me - comments that I cannot understand will have to be rejected. Many apologies for any Japanese or Chinese mewing cats out there, whose comments cannot be shown.
Love George
PS. Ways to get away from human kittens include pet gates on the stairs (you can go up: they can't) http://www.pet-gates-direct.com and crates which are nice places to sit as they can't get in. http://www.petamenities.com

Help me find my “inner kitten”!

Dear George,
I’m often told that I’m too serious; too much reading and studying!
But I can’t be laying on my back waiting for my humans to rub my belly
or rolling over making that “small talk” (meow-meow) noise like my sister Fluffy does!
I know she makes them laugh, but I can’t be frivolous! I have an important mission! I have to solve all kind of crisis! I was a cute, playful kitten – see picture attached (Fluffy and me when we were 7 weeks old), but I grew up and I’m more interested in helping other cats and animals. I wish I could manifest more “joie de vivre” in a sense that I could be more like my sister; worry free and always looking for excitement!
George, help me find my inner kitten ☺
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
The first change is attitude. Cultivate an attitude of cattitude. This includes taking for granted all human efforts on your behalf. We cats find that gratitude (if we are strange enough to feel it) simply weighs us down in our cat-humanpet relationship (or as Wicky Wuddler puts it cat-ape relationship). The food, the beds, the caresses are our due. Cat worship is what these apes/humans should be exhibiting. Train 'em harder if they are falling short.
Once you have floated free from gratitude, play. This is the inner kitten bit. Everything that exists is a potential cat toy, from a fallen bean on the kitchen floor, to the hair of your human. Poke, prod, jump, roll, nibble, groom and throw it.
The whole human body is a potential adventure playground for cats. Jump on the groin first thing in the morning. Bite the toes that poke out of the duvet. Place yourself on the abdomen in the small hours and have a thorough wash. Sleep on the lap. Share the shower. Sit on the side of the bath and play boats with any human bits protuding from the foam. Play with human hair from the safety of the top of the armchair. Ambush your human on the stairs, on the sofa, from behind the door....
Tease them. When they have friends over for a meal, dig loudly in any litter trays nearby and mew while you poo. Jump up on the table and start eating the butter. Play with shoe laces. Experience the pleasure of a good ripping noise as you claw your human's tights. Thrill as you rub your fur against their best trousers.
JDI, Cayenne. Just Do It. You're worth it.
Love George