Thursday, December 27, 2012

New Year

Dear George,

My name is Kiki and I’m an 11 years old aristocratic and cute girl. I’m generally speaking in good spirit and everybody spoils me as no one can resist my charms.

My family took a short vacation before Holidays (of course they came back to spend Christmas with me) and …..for the first time ever they left me with a cat-sitter at her place. Well, this cat-sitter (she is a family friend after all) got to my nerves and I didn’t really need any emotional up-set! Again…..generally speaking… I’m well balanced and calm as you can see in the photo attached but this woman was way too much for me!

Here is a short list of complains against this creature: she won’t let me sleep in her bed!  Yes, that’s true but I will never sleep on the floor or carpet so I had to sleep on a sofa in the living room. In the morning I will stretch waiting for her to rub my belly! What was she doing? She would say “good morning Kiki – such a glorious morning.” Who cares about the bloody morning if I won’t get my belly rubbed? Then ….she would have her coffee before she’ll serve me breakfast. Where on Earth did she learn her manners?

I think she’s nuts but can’t tell my family since they are friends. However, I made it my New Year’s Resolution to teach this “bad manners” cat-sitter proper manners!

So, dear George I need some good advice! What should I do? It seems that she enjoys being ignored so I won’t give her satisfaction but I don’t feel getting too close to her either. Should I shred her skin (maybe just a bit)? Should I bite her? How can I take revenge but teach her something?

Yours truly and lovely


Dear Kiki,
Call her a cat sitter? More like Mrs Danvers in Rebecca (the movie) in my opinion. Of course, it is partly the fault of your pets.  What gives them the idea that they can leave you anyway? And why did they fail to leave proper instructions. A good human pet leaves the equivalent of a small booklet, taking the live in carer through every moment of the day. These are the topics that should be covered in depth:
  • Food. Exactly when, how much, and any additions like sprinkles, treats, etc. It does no harm for the human slightly to expand the amount of food offered. As a gesture to make up for their irresponsibility in leaving you in the first place.
  • Strict routine. All cats are fed first in the morning. Most human pets know this. It is essential not just because we like it, but because it helps keep the human in their proper place low down the pecking order. Cats eat first.
  • Beds. Of course, it is not acceptable that you have to sleep on the sofa. She should sleep on the sofa. After all, it's your bed, not hers.
  • Doors. Cats go through doors first.If you have a cat flap, the carer should nevertheless let you in and out by hand. It is part of proper human domestic duties.
These difficulties occur when untrained domestic servants are put in charge. A sharp nip or two might be in order but your aim is not to discipline or train this human. She is beneath your notice. What you do need to do, is to show your extreme displeasure and distress when your humans come home. 
Refuse to talk to them. Sit with your back to them. Ignore them. Give them the silent treatment for several days. They deserve it. If any visitors arrive, be all over them just to make the contrast more vivid.
You must feel a sense of having been let down badly. You were.
Better luck in the New Year.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I carry a Christmas tree on my nose.

Dear George,

Literally! Just look at me in the photo attached. Hey? Nice marking, isn’t it? Dear George my real name is Patches and I’m a rescue. I was in a cage at a pet food store since June waiting for my forever home. Someone at the Mississauga branch of the Humane Society liked me so much that placed me in this pet store hoping that someone with a kind heart will adopt me! It didn’t happen right away but eventually 2 weeks ago a kind and generous female took me home.

I found out that Alice is Jasper’s and Riley’s mommy! She had a big enough heart to make room for me too. She adopted me right before Christmas. That’s the best gift someone can give a cat and I wish many more of us find their forever homes. It is very sad especially at Christmas time to be left behind, alone in a cold, metal cage. I’m forever grateful that she rescued me! I like my new family very much. My brothers are nice, mommy is awesome (and beautiful) and daddy…….hm! I like his blue eyes and smirky smile and I hope he’ll warm up to me. He started paying with me already and I just hope I’ll charm him well enough that he’ll fall in love with me! Is this too much to ask George? Also, since I carry a Christmas tree on my nose do you think I should decorate it? I’ve seen humans having a little diamond or ring in their nose? I don’t think I’ll consider piercing but can my eyes be the shining stars? What else should I do at Christmas time? I need good, nice tips since I don’t want to upset my new family.

Wishing all cats and their human families a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!



Dear Patches,
What a wonderful thing. A cat that has the outward visible sign of the inward spiritual grace of Christmas. Alice did the right thing in adopting you.  And I am sure you will soon win the heart of daddy. If there is anything that we cats possess in oodles, it is charm.
No, don't put a ring in your noise. It is far too beautiful a nose to do that. Humans put rings in their noses but they have such pathetic snozzles, don't they? Conks without fur.  Their nose leather is just sort of ordinary skin coloured pink. And their noses can barely smell anything anyway. So adding the odd ring is a way of covering up their inadequacies.
Your beautiful black and white nose, Christmas tree decorated, with lovely black nose leather is perfect just as it is. Your eyes beam above it. A wonderful sight for everybody.
Happy Christmas, dear Patches,
PS. My human is ill so this letter is a bit rushed.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The thumb and cats top of the evolutionary tree

Dear George, 
Have you come across this ridiculous complacency among humans regarding the thumb. Who on earth needs an opposable thumb?   
In every paw we hold a Swiss army knife, or better. The claws are pitons, scrapers, shredders, garden forks. Chopsticks, diggers and grooming tools. Scalpels, punchers, package openers, staplers, hooks and hypodermic fringe makes. Okum pickers. Combs and pincers. 
And that is not to mention the pads. Face Flannels. Massagers. Printers, boxing gloves and pats.
Poor souls they are struggling still with evolution.
We long since attained purrfection. As you know.
Out of kindness we must disguise our prowess.
A mousy kiss

Dear Vincent,
An interesting discussion. Many claims have been made, by humans, of course, for the importance of the thumb. They have even suggested the thumb was an adaption that helped this pathetic species climb to the top of the evolutionary tree.
As we know this is all bunkum. We are the better climbers. Humans did not climb to the top of the evolutionary tree anyway.  
 This diagram, produced by one of our foremost feline evolutionary biologists, shows the tree of life in its proper form. You will see that at the top of it is Felis sylvestris catus, not Homo so-called sapiens. That species is towards the right only slightly higher than the gorilla.
How this important fact has escaped the attention of human evolutionary biologists is beyond feline comprehension. 
Yours in disgust

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Hsss..... growl.....that's what I think of celebrity cats....

Dear George,
Celebrity culture really annoys me. It's bad enough when humans do it. I'm a Celebrity Get me out of Here, for instance, shows the innate trashiness and lack of intelligence of the human species.
But now cats are muscling in - Doing the Rounds with Oscar. What's so special about Oscar? Just a cat that lives in a nursing home.  A street cat named Bob. There are thousands of cats on the street so why highlight just one of them?
The latest celebrity memoir is Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. This really infuriates me as it seems she is proud of being ugly. We cats are graceful and beautiful. Why sink so low as to be proud of being bad looking?
Yesterday, I felt I simply had to express my feelings about this ridiculous trend in celebritising cats. I sank my teeth into the offending book!
Tore it to pieces. I felt better after that. Sort of purged.
Disgusted of Brixton

Dear Disgusted of Brixton,
I share your loathing of celebrity culture. Its meaningless and the pathetic humans that take part in it. I don't know even who they are most of the time. My interest in TV is focussed solely on wildlife programmes and I usually just sleep through the rest of it. MIndlessness may appeal to humans: but not to me.
I am less sure about this trend for feline memoirs. Is it a step forward that, for the first time in years, cats are becoming celebrities? In one sense I think it is. Putting felines in the forefront of literature must be a good idea. True, we have had Saki's short story about Tobermory, and several Thomas Hardy poems about cats, but the idea of cat personalities has never really made it into the lower forms of popular literature. Till now.
Like you, I feel some of these books are frankly undignified in their appeal to those dumb creatures who are our pets. Yet humans, intellectually limited as they are, really seem to like these stories. I am not sure why but I feel we should encourage our inferior species to study us. And these books usually contain one or two necessary bits of information, the pill below the sugared surface so to speak.
Yours still pondering,

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Brush addiction - it's her problem, not mine

Dear George,
I must admit I got inspired by Jake’s letter last week and I started paying more attention to my human’s behavior. I truly believe that humans use “us” as excuses for their addictions, emotional and psychological problems! We, cats, are not “psychologically” handicapped or damaged….but humans definitely are! Let’s me give you just one example and you’ll be the judge! George, if you remember I took up meditation as a way to cope with being home alone for long periods of time and to avoid knocking down THAT vase that my human loves that much. Being an indoor cat and being bored it’s no fun! A week ago my human came home with a special brush – it is called a “kong brush” (you can see it in the picture) – and start brushing me. Of course I liked it and I liked the attention I was getting….so I start stretching giving her “meows” of approval.
But soon I realized that my human has a “brush addiction” if this is possible.
Guess she can’t sleep just thinking of that brush and brushing – I can’t explain otherwise why she’s up at 6 in the morning brushing me and then in the evening and before bed again. I heard her telling someone that “her baby” (that’s me …for your records) is “addicted to this brush” and that I’m drooling with pleasure when brushed!  Way far from the truth!  As I said before, I like the attention, I like to be brushed but far from being addicted. George, she doesn’t realize that IT IS more her need than mine but what can I do since she has no hair and I can’t brush her! Any advice?

Dear Shumba,
Psychological projection is a known attitude among human beings, as all human behaviour experts like me will confirm. Humans cannot face their own inadequacies, their own faults, and their own ridiculous attitudes. By pretending that these belong to us, not them, they are able to stay in a state of denial.
I have no difficulty in believing that your human is suffering from brush addiction, a example of codependancy in which she needs to brush you more than you need to be brushed. The act of brushing will satisfy her caretaking needs and (more healthily) give her the pleasure of seeing your pleasure. By pretending it is you who are addicted to brushing, she does not have to examine her own need to be needed.
Women who love cats too much are common in our society. Personally, I do not bother to put in place a behaviour modification programme for them, unless the welfare of their feline owners is suffering. For example, women who dress up cats, put them in prams to take for a walk, or collect a house full of cats, are showing pathological altruism. Do they need help? Yes, but normally projection and denial will mean they are not willing to change. Thus help must be focussed on the suffering cats.
Your human does not fall into this category, fortunately. The human need to be needed by their cat can be quite pleasurable for the cat - better quality food, more of it, new cat beds appearing regularly, human body warmth in the bed during cold nights.
Just let her keep brushing. If you get fed up with it, just rise to your feet and sit looking dignified. If need be get high up. But usually a dignified sneer will put a stop to what has become human harassment.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online