Humans must envy us....

 

Miaow.... its International Cat Day. Today we celebrate the sheer elegance of cats.

Gorgeous whiskers like mine, so much more beautiful than beards. 

Soft delicious fur, which poor hairless humans do not have.

Ears that can hear a mouse's footfall and the ultrasonic squeaks of bats in the hot evenings and mice in the wainscot. Humans, as they age, cannot hear these at all.

Ears that grow fur out of themselves - wisps of beautiful fur that add to our elegance, unlike the hair in human ears.

Eyes that reflect moonlight back to the marvelling human that notices this. Eyes that are tuned to the slightest movement and can see in the twilight dark. 

A waving tail that helps us balance on garden fences or the boughs of trees. A sense of balance that far outbalances our humans.

A graceful body at all times. A body that is so supple we can clean ourselves all over, except for the head. We can contort ourselves so that we look at our intimate parts without using a mirror. 

Humans, don't you envy us?

• Celebrate International Cat Day by buying my book here.

Music for cats.... where can I find something suitable?

Dear George,
I need to consult you about human music. My humans feel the need to have music on almost all the time. The male has a preference for loud rock music, while the female prefers classical music - baroque, actually. I find the latter just about acceptable.
But the former is really hard on my ears. It thumps through the house and I find it difficult to ignore. Where can I find some music which is more suitable than this?
Yours
Sam.

Dear Tony,
Human scientists have been studying this and have proved that classical music, like Mozart, is less stressful for cats than loud pop or rock.
Better still, there is a human called David Teie who has composed special music for cats! He has had the good sense to pitch is two octaves higher than similar human classical music! Cozmo's Air, so called, has a rhythmic pulse similar to purring and Rusty's Ballad has a rhythm similar to kittens suckling. The notes slide up and down rather like cats miaows.
Cats much preferred it to human music, when a scientist Charles Snowdon tested it! Teie has now produced an album which can be heard here. Get your human to play it to you. 
And make your appreciation known by purring loudly in time to it.
Yours
George

Cats can talk.... but I don't bother.

Dear George,
Do you bother to speak with your human? I don't. I communicate in the proper feline way - rubbing, up-tail greeting, belly flop and body postures.
But I don't miaow...
It isn't really natural for me to make that particular noise. I mean, other than Siamese breeds, we don't do a lot of noisy talk between ourselves when we are adults. We are silent most of the time.
Humans yatter to us all the time - blah, blah, blah. I have wondered if they actually have some kind of language or whether these are just meaningless noises to get our attention. 
What's your view on this?
Silent Sid.

Dear Sid,
I strongly believe that there is some kind of language used by humans in their noisy vocalisations. They must mean something, otherwise they wouldn't go on so much. But feline research, even by experts like me, has so far drawn a blank. 
They can't use body language properly. They have no tails or movable whiskers, for one thing. They are nose blind, so they cannot use scent. Therefore it makes sense that they vocalise instead. I have noticed that my human pet, Celia, responds quite well if I miaow. So I use it to get her attention when I want feeding. Might be worth your while to try it. 
Or perhaps you have trained her silently so long that it's not worth the effort.
Yours
George.
PS. Celia did a video on this which can be seen here.

I'm handsome and affectionate - so why can't I find a home?

Dear George,
My name is Chilli - but I am gentle not peppery. I'm loving. I'm handsome with wonderful white whiskers but here I am stuck in a cattery without a human pet. 
Can you give me any advice on how to get out of here.  And how to purrsuade a human to be adopted.
I want to get back into the real world again.
Yours 
Chilli.

Dear Chilli,
The first step is to get noticed. As people pass your pen, you must make them stop to take a look at you. This requires you either to walk to the front of the pen and miaow. Or  if you are sitting on a ledge nearer human eyesight (which is uncomfortably high) as well as the miaow you must do something unusual. Sitting back on your haunches might work. Or better still standing up on your hind legs.  Putting a paw to your eye, as if wiping off a tear, might also work.
Once you get their attention, you can begin purr very loudly indeed. You already have your tail in the correct tail-up position - the position which tells them that you like them. If you are near the wire of the pen, go right up to it and rub. 
If possible roll over and expose your tummy to them, always giving them eye contact at the same time. 
Miaow some more. And some more. In between the purring. Humans do a lot of vocalisation so this is likely to appeal to them.
Yours cheerfully
George

I’m my Mama’s boy! How to keep it that way.

Dear George, 
Yes, I’m my Mama’s boy and it feels sooooo good (as you can see in the picture).

But, I’m in a fierce competition with my brother Rocky; not that Rocky cares, not even for a faint second, who in fact is the mama’s boy! He just wants to annoy me! And he does! Rocky is such a mischievous cat! I know our Mom loves us both but I was her first rescue! I was her first “fur baby”! So, in the name of my “rescue right” I expect to be recognised as my Mama’s boy and I want everybody else in our household to acknowledge it! George, what do I need to do to maintain my Status Quo?

Any tips or tricks?

Cheers,

Stanley

Dear Stanley,
That is a cute pose - tongue out, paws up, and tummy exposed. Few humans could resist that one! It feeds into their innate maternal instinct for cradling.
Purr loudly and purr often. They love to listen to purring. It soothes and pleases them. Miaow in moderation. The frequent and intense miaowing made by Siamese is not to every human's liking. So use miaows less frequently than purrs. But they still work well to get attention. High pitched is better than low sounding. Run a few tests. Do your humans like one long-lasting miaows or several short ones?
Tactile signals are cute too. While your human is lying in bed rub your cheek against hers. That's a no brainer! A gentle purr at the same time will seem even cuter. Rubbing against the legs and arms is fine too. Slow blinking is another great sign of affection too. And don't forget the slow little paw pat on the face as a wake-up call (claws firmly retracted for this one).
A little gentle play with whatever toy is around will please them too. Show off your graceful pouncing. It is our cute looks that seem to turn them on. Why else have cats taken over the internet, a visual medium if ever there was one. Charm never fails.
Do all this, and you keep Rocky into second place without  doubt. 
Yours admiringly
George.