Roads.... danger ahead

 I don't understand roads, so my human keeps me indoors, but many cats are allowed to roam free. They don't understand roads and cars either.

Cars are useful to them to shelter under in bad weather. But when they hurtle down the road,we can't judge their speed, so we usually just make a run for it. And that's dangerous.

Road traffic accidents are the number 1 reason for cat injuries, according to Agria insurance and it is the younger more confident cats exploring their territory who are most likely to be hurt.

It's time humans learned this. The most useful thing they can do is to make sure the cat flap is closed at night. That protects us quite a lot. Then there is the garden possibility, if we have a garden. Good fencing (details at www.icatcare.org) will keep us in but we still can have fun outside. It also keeps intruding cats out, which is a plus.

Some humans use reflective collars (though I don't like collars as they sometimes get caught and hurt cats). Others like me are kept indoors all the time and next week I will tell you how to make indoor life more enjoyable.

My world is not your world.

My world is not your world, neither is your world my world. This creates many problems for both humans and cats.

In my world, when we are anxious about feline intruders, we mark our territory with urine. It's somewhere between a post-it reminder note to ourselves about the problem and a note to other cats telling them we were here. 

In your human world you'd probably install a burglar alarm. Or a notice saying "Private. Trespassers keep out."

My world is full is strange noises - the high squeaks of the washing machine when it is working, the buzz of electrical appliances heating up, the tiny tiny clicks of a boiler. All noises you can't hear. You don't even know they exist!

So you think it is all right to put my litter tray in the utility room, next to the washing machine. It isn't. Those squeaks are very very putting-off. A quiet elimination is impossible.

Humans, pay attention to my world. Try to think yourself into it and remember everything is different for me.

How cats use cars

Dear George
Why does my human not like it when I climb up on the roof of her car? Doesn't she understand I am only trying to keep vigil so that I can ward off any would be intruders? How can I convey to her that I need higher lookouts to be able to provide even better surveillance and also more of them? This will also help me to spot prey but I won't leave any as a gift according to your previous advice! It is very hard work but if we can get them learn one thing at a time that way we can slowly make them better assistants to ourselves and our objectives.
Yours
Rupert

Dear Rupert,
Humans have not the slightest idea of how useful a parked car can be. They are like trees for urban cats. We can sit on them in order to be vigilant; we can hide below them; we can warm ourselves up on the bonnet of a car that is still warm; and we can leave scent messages on them.
As you say, they don't understand. They have the cheek to object when occasionally we leave paw prints on the car yet they don't give us any decent alternative high sitting points. Why not? Because they don't have the imagination to know we want them.
 So what can we do about this? Just be patient and purrhaps get them to read this blog.
Yours
George

The Cat Intelligence Service - Victoria sets up hers.

Dear George, 
I decided to open my very own CIA which stands for Cats’ Intelligence Agency!

In a way it is similar to what is known as CIA by humans only that mine won’t serve any government or state; mine will only serve and protect cats’ goods and territory.

You may ask why I’m doing it. I know it is a lot of work and the job itself requires great skills but I’m tired of having my territory invaded every night and my food stolen.
I’m actively engaged in the task (spying) as I already opened the first office right in my backyard – as you can see in the photo. – and, of course, I plan to expand internationally!
George, what do you think of my idea….spying in the name of and for cats? But what if the intruder is one of our own? How do I punish him or her?
Also, what equipment do I need? A tree house? Camouflage? Undercover? I need all your wisdom to make a solid action plan!
Your advice George?
In camouflage
CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

So sensible to watch over your territory.  We all do it. We like high places which we can safely scan looking for enemies and intruders.  Being able to hide but look out is also good - so hiding places high up with a good view. Tree houses (if humans are willing to spend the money) would be ideal. Trees large enough with branches that are horizontal are also great. 
But if our humans won't supply us with watching places we can find out own - roofs, cars, fences.

Pixxi's human (see photo on right) made a little shelf for him so he could sit on it and scan the neighbourhood.
We are natural spies. If the human CIA or MI6 could only recruit us, we would achieve far more than our human equivalents.
We don't need equipment - just our own natural abilities. If you see an enemy just chase him off while making a lot of noise. Fighting is usually unnecessary.
Yours
George

PS. Can't get this blog to make the text bigger.

There's a feline sneak... sneaking into my home, eating my food, seducing my human.

Dear George,
My human and I have recently moved to a new home and, although I dislike any kind of relocation on principle, I have to say that my new territory is well supplied with silly birds, small rodents and nice places to sleep in the sun so I have settled in quite well. However, there is, invevitably, some misunderstanding with my new neighbours who are unaware that I am in charge of this area now. I have had no problem in deterring most of them and can still put on a convincing display of aggression though supposedly middle-aged now. (Seven is the new three, bring it on.) However, one of these interlopers has adopted a strategy that has confused my human. It has approached me with the utmost respect, put on a fine performance of grovelling submission, refused to get into a fight and generally convinced my human that it's intentions are honourable. Which, of course, they aren't. Not that I mind my leftover breakfast being snarfed down every morning, but there are principles at stake. My human is reluctant to use her superior powers of intimidation to this creature and has even given it a name, Cheeky. I am at a loss to understand this behaviour. How can I get rid of this animal in a polite but assertive manner?
Yours ever,
Scarry

Dear Scarry,
All cats keep an eye out for a second breakfast somewhere and most of us two-time our owners. But is this sneak thinking of rehoming himself? If his current premises are inadequate, this is what he might be moving into a better home - yours. I applaud his tactics - sneaky grovelling behaviour is much more difficult for cats to deal with, than aggression. Worse still, humans are very vulnerable to this. If you are not careful, she will be putting down meals for him regularly, then worrying about how he is coping on cold winter nights.
Have you tried the yowl?  A very noisy yowl may not put off this sneak burglar, but will get your human's attention fast.  A rising inflection may purrsuade her that you are not just angry, you are also emotionally devastated. Try it from behind her legs, giving the impression that you are sheltering behind her out of fear.
Has she installed a microchip cat flap? Or done anything about finding the intruder's owners. Probably not. Humans are slow at answering the call of duty. 
If all else fails, I am afraid you will have to spray. This is the ultimate weapon but one which can backfire on the aggressor if a human misunderstands it. I recommend you use it sparingly. 
Yowl to get her attention (without that it is wasted effort), then back up and then let fly at the cat flap. 
Yours
George.

Dear George,
My human and I have recently moved to a new home and, although I dislike any kind of relocation on principle, I have to say that my new territory is well supplied with silly birds, small rodents and nice places to sleep in the sun so I have settled in quite well. However, there is, invevitably, some misunderstanding with my new neighbours who are unaware that I am in charge of this area now. I have had no problem in deterring most of them and can still put on a convincing display of aggression though supposedly middle-aged now. (Seven is the new three, bring it on.) However, one of these interlopers has adopted a strategy that has confused my human. It has approached me with the utmost respect, put on a fine performance of grovelling submission, refused to get into a fight and generally convinced my human that it's intentions are honourable. Which, of course, they aren't. Not that I mind my leftover breakfast being snarfed down every morning, but there are principles at stake. My human is reluctant to use her superior powers of intimidation to this creature and has even given it a name, Cheeky. I am at a loss to understand this behaviour. How can I get rid of this animal in a polite but assertive manner?
Yours ever,
Scarry

Dear Scarry,
All cats are happy to have second breakfast and most of us two-time our owners. But is he thinking of rehoming himself? If his current premises are inadequate, this is what he might be moving into a better home - yours. I applaud his tactics - sneaky grovelling behaviour is much more difficult for cats to deal with, than aggression. Worse still, humans are very vulnerable to this. If you are not careful, she will be putting down meals for him regularly, then worrying about how he is coping on cold winter nights.
Have you tried the yowl?  A very noisy yowl may not put off this sneak burglar, but will get your human's attention fast.  A rising inflection may purrsuade her that you are not just angry, you are also emotionally devastated. Try it from behind her legs, giving the impression that you are sheltering behind her out of fear.
Has she installed a microchip cat flap? Or done anything about finding the intruder's owners. Probably not. Humans are slow at answering the call of duty. 
If all else fails, I am afraid you will have to spray. This is the ultimate weapon but one which can backfire on the aggressor if a human misunderstands it. I recommend you use it sparingly. 
Yowl to get her attention (without that it is wasted effort), then back up and then let fly at the cat flap. 
Yours
George.

Dear George,
My name is Maggie and I’m a 12 years old (and cute) rescue as you can see in the photo.
I was rescued as a kitten with three other cats. We always lived downstairs with our mommy.  Her daughter always lived up-stairs with her human tomcat and their rescued tabby, Ziggy.  There always was a lot of mystery of what was happening behind the door that separated the downstairs from upstairs. I could “smell” Ziggy through the doors but we never interacted. Even in the rare occasions when we tried to pay a visit… his daddy was so protective of this “Prince Charming” that we, the other cats, couldn’t even catch a glimpse of him.
Unfortunately not long ago my mommy crossed the Rainbow Bridge and we suffered very much losing her. I was her favourite and I was by her side until the very last minute.
It was very hard for me and so was for my mommy’s daughter that now became my new mommy! But, I took on…. the mission to be the Alpha Cat in the house.
My new mommy leaves all the doors open so we can have free access everywhere in the house.  George, you probably guessed by now ….why I’m writing to you!
Yes! You are right – my first real encounter with Ziggy was a disaster. He tried to ignore me - as you can see him in the photo - pretending he’s watching TV. It did not end well.
I beat him up! That created a lot of trouble! His daddy was very upset and my new mommy was trying to make peace. But, so did end up the second and third and any other encounter. The others cats are OK; they get along well with Ziggy. It is just me!
I know they are not going to send us to shelters …but…why am I acting like this? Am I jealous? Am I upset at his daddy? Or…am I crazy? I want Ziggy’s dad to love me too!
I wish we all live in peace!
 Yours very sad and confused
Maggie

Dear Maggie
The problem is your humans not you. Humans think that we cats can get on with almost any other cat, like dogs do. Dogs will go to the park and then play with stranger dogs. Our attitude is very different. Some of us are quite social: others are natural loners. You may be a natural loner.
If you are, you naturally try to see off strange other cats. It is just in your nature to do so. And Ziggy is another cat. I wonder if there is any way in which you could have your own space, perhaps with a microchip operated cat flap inside the house to keep Ziggy out? These flaps are a boon. Your human could adjust it so that only you could go in and out (or perhaps the other three cats) but Ziggy could not. Or visa versa - giving Ziggy a safe place of his own.
Now that you have had several fights you are not going to become friends with him. So the best thing your humans can do is try to arrange the house so that you two can avoid each other. Lots of hiding places for him and for you (because although you are fighting him, it is because you are afraid). Cardboard boxes with holes cut in them? High shelves?
Worst come to the worst, get your humans to time share themselves. Ziggy comes into the living room at 6-8pm while you are shut out: then from 8pm-10pm you are in the living room while he is shut out. Make sure both of you have an place in the house which is your den and where you can be separated at night: so both of you can have a period free from stress.
You are not crazy, Maggie. You are just a natural loner cat needing her own space, and doing her best to cope. A Feliway diffuser in the area where you spend most of your time, and another one where Ziggy hangs out might help the general atmosphere. You need two because if you have to share one, fights might break out again.
Finding yourself a new home might not be the worst solution: but at your age it can be difficult to find one.
Yours with the greatest sympathy
George.

Emergency - a vicious kitten and a sadly demented human

Dear George,
My household is completely upset by this small tortoiseshell and white kitten who has the impertinence to harass me. 
When she first arrived, it wasn't too bad. She was kept in quarantine with an infection so I just lost one room of my territory. Then she expanded her territory into a second room. As the weather has been fine that wasn't too bad either. I spent a lot of time out.
But the other day I slipped in after my human just to check out the possibilities of a second meal (found a few fragments as you can see). At first she just sniffed me then she started biffing me. She ran up and down the room landing small kitten punches as she passed.
It was very upsetting. I had to get the human to let me out. Me who is five times her size had to retreat. How can I get rid of her? She is a rescue foster kitten, but it is me who needs rescuing.
Yours,
Toby, Disgusted of Ringwood.

Dear Toby,
You have a problem and that problem is not the kitten, but your pet human. If she is moving into rescuing kittens, your home won't be your own again. Humans with a pathological rescue tendency fill the home with rescued cats. Sometime, when this human psychological condition gets too overwhelming, the place becomes a death trap - scores of cats, disease, and not enough litter trays.
Act now and act firmly. I suggest you spray along the door which opens into the kittens room. This should get a message to your human that you do not want the intruder in your life. If you do get into the room, do not let food distract you, biff back. You should be able to fight off a kitten without using your claws. Use your weight instead.
If you are lucky, this will be a temporary aberration and the kitten will shortly disappear to a new home. Cross your paws, Toby. And pray to that Higher Feline that looks after the welfare of cats.
Yours with sympathy,
George.
For sad news about Gerry read http://everycat.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/gerry-little-cat-made-of-fun-farewell.html

A feline intruder into my territory.... or a friend?

Dear George,
It’s past midnight and I barely can hold my head up not to fall asleep on the keyboard but I MUST write this letter because I smell trouble in my house. Actually, I’m afraid to go to sleep or better said…..I’m afraid to wake up in the morning. Let me explain. If you remember I was adopted after my human took a trip to Las Vegas. I was extremely happy; I settled in my new home quite nicely; I started an intensive training with my human BUT yesterday I heard him talking about taking a trip to Mexico. You know by now what’s happening when he takes a trip, right? Yes! It possibly means another cat! And now I’m afraid to go to sleep only to wake up in the morning looking at a tabby “Juanita”. I have mixed feelings (due to the recent letters) about sharing the house with another cat. How can I stop my human from going away or better yet, how can I train him to change his habit?
Sleepy but worried,
Vegas

Dear Vegas,
This is one of the worst human habits - their idea that they can just fling another feline into our territory and expect us to accept the intruder. We are not dogs. In nature we would only live with our relatives. Yet they expect us to welcome an unrelated stranger into our midst. Sometimes I despair of humans..... their inability to learn anything about us and their irresponsible habit of adding cats to the household.
You can't stop them, Vegas. You can't change them, Vegas. You can train them out of some behaviour but probably this is a human behaviour problem that won't respond to training. If they bother to read this, they should know that the introduction must be slow, starting with the newcomer in a crate or the spare room (with full litter and food facilities). Bedding should be swapped between you and the new kitten (sounds good that is is female rather than male) so that the proper "family" scent can be developed.
Humans are scent blind and lack our exquisitely sensitive noses. Their honkers or schnozzles are pretty useless organs. It is the scent of the intruder which will initially upset you. However if the scents are slowly mixed and she aquires your scent and visa versa, you may find it in your heart to accept her.
You are young, Vegas. She will be young too. I hope and pray that this willl work out good for you and that, after the initial upset, you will acquire not a competitor but a play mate and a friend. The real pity is that you didn't get the chance to do a joint adoption, you and a littermate adopting the humans together.
Humans... idiots but we love them. Sometimes.
Love George

When a handsome tom cat comes calling, should I let him in?

Dear George,
I just came back from a month vacation and WOW! Vegas - the new kid on the blog. Stanley – the PM’s of Canada new kitten. Blaze & Lea - the gangsta sisters! Wow! Wow! Wow! Boy weren’t you busy! No wonder you are one of the favourite cat bloggers. Congratulations!
So, let me pick your brains on a recent problem I have. Right before we went on vacation a really handsome tomcat started visiting me. At the beginning he was shy and will wait outside for me. Of course we get along very well which, I know, it’s a bit unusual but, we might even be related (we look very much alike). Later, he started coming in the house; first in the kitchen where he would eat from my plate and then in the living room where we would take a nap. I couldn’t find out if he is homeless (he doesn’t look like), looking to re-home or just lonely. My problem, George, is: how do I introduce him to my humans; especially to my female human? I don’t want her to react like a worried mother when the daughter brings home her first boyfriend!
Love
CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria
Yes, Victoria, he's handsome (see photo on the right). Humans are odd about visiting cats. They just don't think about our feelings. Some humans let in any stray cat, even when we are outraged at having to share our house with them. For, let's face it, most of us cats are very possessive about our territory. We are not promiscuously social like dogs. We don't like intruders, and yet our humans seem to think we won't mind sharing bed and board with a complete stranger. You are an exceptionally social cat, Victoria, in your attitude towards this handsome tom cat.
First, there's the problem of whether he has a home. I expect he's told you the details of why he is visiting, but because humans are so dumb, they don't speak cat language. In order for them to know the details, they should cut a strip of paper like a collar with a message saying "Phone this number". Then put this round the cat's neck with some sticky tape. A paper collar will be safe because if it gets caught in a bush, the paper will just tear. Or they could put up some posters saying "Does anybody own this cat?"
Has he been neutered? Yes, I know you know, Victoria. But your humans need to survey his backside to see if there are two little furry balls there. If there are none, he has been fixed and probably has, or had, a human home somewhere. If those little furry things are there, then he is a full tom and it's no wonder you enjoy his company. My predecessor, Fat Mog, fell in platonic love with the local stray tom cat but went off him completely when Celia meanly had him neutered.
If he is already sharing meals with you, you are half way to moving him in already. All he has to do is charm your humans. Wind round their feet. Purr loudly at them. Then show them that you and he are friends by sitting close to each other. Do the friendly cat kiss nose to nose. Sleep in each others arms. Most humans will fall for it.
Yours
George
PS. There's a good conference coming up in October for UK cat lovers and cat rescuers. Spread the word to others. Details on: http://www.eventelephant.com/apbcannualfelineconference

Rumours of an oriental asylum seeker next door

There are some ugly rumours around of a new cat coming to live next door. Up till now Steffi and Paul Next Door have been ideal neighbours. Both William and I have been welcomed at any time and given rather nicer cat food than we get with Celia. Beds have been provided for me, George, when I felt like a sleep over in the afternoon. When builders and other human intruders were in the house, Steffi's bed was a very nice alternative.
Moreover they seemd to have a proper attitude towards me. Steffi valued my mousing prowess and at one time wanted to borrow me to get rid of the mice in her London flat. They also had a suitably humble attitude. All this now seems to be at risk.
The first sign of a possible intruder came when I rubbed against Steffi's ankles. There was a distinct smell of cat. Worse still, the smell of an oriental. The only interesting, and possibly less unpleasant aspect to the smell, was that it was female. Do we want a female oriental immigrant next door? No, we don't. She has been living on the street and indeed gave birth there when she was rescued by West Oxon Cats Protection. We feel sorry for her but we don't want asylum seekers like her in our backyards. William and I agree, for once, that while we have fellow feelings (after all we were both Cats Protection kittens) we think she would be happier somewhere else. Perhaps in the village across the fields. Or, since she has been on the street, in the nearby market town. She will find overflowing dustbins from Thai restaurants are available there - the sort of food she has been used to no doubt. More suitable for her than the huntin' rattin' and sportin' countryside, we feel.
Not In My Back Yard. Purrlease.

Let the New Year roll with William, guest columnist

George has gone out for the traditional Boxing Day hunt (so far two mice, one shrew, and an unidentified bird) and handed the column over to me. I would like to wish all you cats a Happy 2007. Christmas - that day of intruding human visitors and turkey scraps under the kitchen table - has gone. Celia went out so George and I failed to get a chance to steal food or even to find anything very interesting in the trash can. Roll on a new year.
I want to put right a bit of disgraceful spin from the pen of George. I am not a wimp. I never was a wimp. I will never be a wimp. I am a socially adept cat that knows how to deal with harassment in a diplomatic and effective fashion. I don't run. I don't fight. I roll on to my back with all four claws at the ready. This is NOT appeasement. It is a warning gesture designed to deflect aggression.
If George was a sensible cat, instead of a giddy and undisplined adolescent, he would recognise this. But the bloody fool, though usually retreating, has the infantile habit of jumping on me nonetheless. Why does he do it? Just for fun, it seems. I then snarl, threaten to bite and occasionally resort to claw enforcement.
Of course, I can do the social roll without claws. Here is a delightful photo of me looking at my most charming. My paws are in prayer posture because Celia responds best to this particular gesture. I used just to do the social roll without the paws but, because she consistently responded better to the praying paws, I trained her to pay attention by putting my paws like this.
I am the most beautiful of cats with a remote and peaceful temperament. What is more I have killed two weasels - beat that, George!