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Showing posts with label cat vomit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cat vomit. Show all posts

Saturday, September 28, 2019

Human presumption and feline punishment....

Naturally the human publishers are anxious to stay on the right side of their best selling feline author. They sent me a package of expensive goodies. Very correct. Very pleasing.
Unfortunately, they did not check in advance about what I would like to eat... They presumed. As humans do.
I felt their presumption needed a punishment.
I gobbled up the expensive wet cat food fast. Then I felt slightly ill.
Then I threw it up on the new carpet.

* For more detail on how to maximise the impact of throwing up order a copy of A Cat's Guide to Humans, here.

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Excuse my French, but do cats fart?

Dear George,
I was sitting with my brother Stanley (the tabby in the photo attached) and our human parents watching a movie on Netflix. My Mom made a comment that someone had broken wind….looking towards us, the cats! Well, I thought this was totally disrespectful and discriminatory…under the circumstances! I certainly didn’t! Did Stanley? He meowed “nope”! Then, this left us with the assumption that one of our humans have farted! But…who? Daddy? Mommy? They won’t admit it! What else would you expect from humans? Plead guilty?
No way! However, regardless of who has farted last night…my question to you George is: do cats actually fart? And, if they do….why? What make them pass gas? Could this become a scary health issue?

Dear Rocky,
We do fart! But we are usually much quieter about it than humans! Indeed many humans never heard a feline fart, even when they have smelled it. With our superior hearing, of course, we can hear the wind being expelled. Very occasionally we do a loud one like this one here on YouTube.
We fart when we have eaten something that doesn't agree with us - cow's milk, other dairy products with lactose, human food, takeaway human meals, cheap pet food with lots of fillers and not much protein, or when we have gobbled down our food so fast that we have taken in air at the same time. Humans, please note, we need higher quality pet food and a place of safety to eat it!
Excessive farting may mean something is wrong, particularly if it is accompanied by a bloated tummy or loose stools. Possible causes are internal parasites like worms or giardia, or gastrointestinal disease. Some cats have food sensitivities and need a special diet.
I hate to say this, because I loathe and detest vets, but excessive gas needs a visit to the vet!

Saturday, July 04, 2015

Swimming in a lake or mousing in the forest wilderness?

Dear George,
No, it’s not what anybody would think looking at the photo attached! I’m not practicing a roll, nor am I doing yoga or meditate. I’m simply stunned (and speechless) by my mom’s somehow irrational behaviour! Last week she wanted to take us (me and my brother Rocky) to a lake for a mini-vacation! Who would take a cat to a lake?
Cats don’t swim; at least I don’t! But my mommy doesn’t either! She thinks she does but ….no-no, she’s not; I’ve seen her in the bathtub – she just stays in here doing nothing. I've never seen her swimming across the bathtub (which definitely is not the size of an Olympic pool)! So, what’s the point going to a lake? But, this was last week! This week she wants to go to a cottage up in the mountains but she doesn’t want to take us with her! Now figure out why! George, you won’t believe this! Because ….we shed! Is this for real? Doesn’t she know that cats love the forest? We love the endless hunting opportunities! What if a wild animal will attack her? We could protect her. And who cares if we shed in the forest? No one is going to choke on our hair. Who would be disturbed by a hairball or two in the wilderness? George, how do I tell her that she’s completely wrong? Even worse; she arranged with a cat sitter to come and stay with me and Rocky. But, I don’t want any cat sitter – I want to go with mommy!
Too stunned by my human to say any more!

Dear Stanley,
Human "reasoning", so-called, is a mystery. Shedding? So what?  We have this wonderful ability to shed or grow hair according to seasonal temperature - unlike humans. They are stuck with the same hair (and not much of it) all year round.
Envy. That's what it is. Humans hate shedding because they can't do it themselves. 
What's a bit of cat hair between friends? I have an idea on how to revenge yourself on her. Rub furiously on her best clothes in the wardrobe or when she is wearing them. Leave fur on her pillow at night, on the kitchen surface, inside her handbag if possible.  Be creative and think of amusing places to leave it.
And barf up hairballs. Best place for these is on the floor just near her bed, exactly in the place she puts her bare feet first thing in the morning.
Will it change her mind about the forest? Not sure. But teasing humans in this way is always fun.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I don't want another cat.....

Dear George,

It’s me Vegas! No, I don’t have a “sister” yet since my human is too busy having company from overseas and I’m teething or what do you call this in cat language?

I’m glad we have company since I have extra hands and toes to bite but I’m quite worried right now! I overheard my human saying something about “having someone moving in with a cat or cats” I personally think this is just terrible. I would like a little sister from same shelter where I came from but, I don’t want any adult cat or cats in my house. They can be mean; they can eat my food, take my bed or shed a lot! I don’t want to sleep on another cat’s hair. Quite so! Why cats shed? And why some shed more then others? Are they sick? Do they lack nutrients in their food? Are they stressed?

Am I going to loose my hair now and become a hairless cat, like a sphinx?

George, what should I do?



Dear Vegas,

You are having trouble with your humans. They are being totally selfish and disregarding your feelings. Of course you don't want another cat, particularly an adult cat who you know nothing about. It was bad enough when they suggested a kitten from the same rescue shelter as yours. Quite bad enough but with great generosity and flexibility you agreed.

I think your selflessness was a mistake. Give humans an inch and they will take an ell (whatever the ell that is!). They have got above themselves. They assume they can do what they like. They think they can just fill the house with cats - adult cats, kittens, visiting cats. It's a disgrace.

You will have to take a stand, Vegas. I suggest a programme of the "silent treatment", occasionally used between human husband and wife. Withdraw all affection. Go further, withdraw all attention. You do not sit on laps. You do not rub their legs. You do not sleep on the bed with them. Or on the sofa near them. If you sit in the same room of them, sit with your back towards them. No eye contact. No miaouws or purrs - that's why it's called the silent treatment.

You might just add vomiting. Projectile vomiting can be a very useful weapon in the armoury against humans. Leave a little heap during the night just where they will step on it, if they get up to use the litter tray.

Any human visitors can be treated with lavish affection - just to make the point that you do not any more love your humans. Make them suffer. Prrrrhaps then they will begin to appreciate you more.



PS. This blog is late because my human's access to the internet failed for 48 hours and because she is rather preoccupied with her (thank goodness not mine) veterinary treatment. Tiresome woman.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Do robins make cats sick?

Going back to robins. There aren't many left in my garden. I have had three of them. Celia knows about two of them because she found the complete corpses. She was very upset. She doesn't seem to mind about hedge sparrows but dead robins really distress her. She was even more upset when she found some feathers and a long thin leg which looked like a robin's leg. She assumed (correctly) that I had eaten the rest of the bird. Was it a robin? I really can't remember. My interest in birds is a foodie one, not a taxonomic one. Some species taste better than others, of course, but I can't say I take much interest in the differences otherwise. So I eat some and I don't eat others. Depends partly on my mood and what else I have eaten that day.
I do not eat shrews - ever. Foxes and weasels and stoats may eat them and I suppose if I was starving I might manage a nibble. The problem is that they taste awful. There are fatty glands on their flanks which produce a vile secretion. It's stuff to mark their territory as they pass through the grass. Read by another shrew it says "Keep off. This territory already has a shrew in residence." Of course if the shrew is male, and a female is passing by, she might take a sniff and think "Handsome fellow. Might stop for a bit of rumpy pumpy." But to me the smell simply says: "Don't eat me. I taste bad." That's good news for the shrew, of course.
So do robins taste good? I may have eaten one and I have certainly caught two others. Celia says that it might have made me sick even though she can't remember that particular pile of sick (there are quite a few). If any of you cats out there have eaten a robin (the English kind) please add a comment, remembering to say whether you sicked it up or not.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Cats one: humans nil.

Well it didn't take long. In the battle of wits between human and cat, it was always going to be a human defeat. But I thought Celia would hold out longer. She caved in after only 24 hours. No more roasted bits were served. She upgraded to the pate type food - not my favourite but acceptable for the time being. The sachets of roasted bits were taken away to be put in the Cats Protection unwanted food bin at the vets. Rather like handing out scraps of food to the poor in Victorian times. They will be properly grateful for them, poor strays.
How did I do it? Well the picture shows how. I simply tipped my unwanted roasted bits into the water bowl. Neat, eh? I have to confess I licked up the gravy first. A sign of weakness, I know, but not weakness that mattered in the overall strategy. Celia came down to find the bits deposited in the water. When I don't like something I usualy rake up the floor round the unwanted items in my bowl. Some humans call this caching food and say I am trying to hide them, as a kind of storage to eat later. I don't dispute it's an instinctive thing but it's not about storing the food for later. Oh no. It is about disposing of it in a litter tray way. If food is shit, then I bury it. Only this time with a deft backhander of a handsome black paw, I upped the bowl so that it fell in the water tray. Rather skillful, I thought.
William came up trumps too. I don't say he acted out of solidarity because that dog-like behaviour would be demeaning for any cat. He ate one of the two bowls of roasted bits left down over night. But then he sicked it up on the living room carpet.
The day has started well. Cats one: humans nil.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online