Male or female humans which do you prefer?

Freya taking a nap after socialising with the male plumbers

 Purrsonally, I have always preferred females. For the following reasons...

• They are usually in charge of food in the kitchen.
  
• They vocalise in a higher voice more like a miaow.
• They have softer bodies to lie on.
• They take up less room in the bed.
  

But my friend, Freya prefers males. She says she likes them better because...

• They have bigger laps to sit on and she is largish.
• If they love cats, they are soppier than the females!
  
• They are less fussy about cat hair.
• She finds their snoring restful at night.

Which do you prefer? And why?

• If your human wants to know why, tell her/him to read chapter 3 in this book.
  
  
  
  

Are you suffering from whisker fatigue?

 

It's not generally known but we cats can suffer from whisker fatique. These wonderful strong hairs (so much more mobile and sensitive than the human beard) take important messages to the brain. And if they are over-stimulated they get tired.

Tired of what? Tired of being pushed out of place each time we eat or drink. In the real world this rarely happens. While we are drinking from a stream or a puddle our whiskers are not confined. When we are eating a mouse, we move the whiskers to where we want them to be - backwards if they are getting in the way of crunching up the rodent or forward to monitor its movement if our meal is still wriggling.

Humans don't get this at all. So they purrsist in putting our food in high sided bowls. We have to push our faces down to eat, and our whiskers are twanging and brushing against the side of the bowl. The same thing happens with bowls of water particularly if the water level is low.

Sensitive cats with sensitive whiskers dislike this. Does whisker fatique hurt us? Not normally, but it is unpleasant and sometimes even stressful.

So get your humans to give you shallow food bowls and water bowls large enough for our whiskers not to touch the sides. There is a vet article about this here.

It's a fur fur better thing.....

 

Shedding. It's what I and other cats do. Some of us, living in centrally heated homes, shed a little at a time. Those of us living outside shed in the spring, getting rid of spare hair ready for the hot weather. 

My friend, Toby, however, decided to do a big full-on shed just after Christmas. As you can see he has sort of wispy hair which is described as "semi-long hair." Just before the coldest time in the UK, the first and second week in January, he shed much of his coat - photographed here.

He's trained his human to brush him daily, when he lies down and exposes his tummy for the flea comb. In the course of these four post Christmas days, this is what she combed out. Had she been more conscientious (humans always try to avoid work) she might have combed out even more.

I asked him why? He said that he was trying to regain the natural life of his ancestors, Felis silvestris catus, when they first moved in with humans living in the Middle East.  January, he explained, is quite warm in Baghdad, the so called Fertile Crescent when during the first Neolithic settlements cats domesticated humans.

He added that he wanted to test his human's combing ability, which he admitted was not bad...

Naked humans and compassionate cats

Naked humans are often shy in front of us, a survey revealed last week. Naked and ashamed of their lack of fur presumably. Poor hairless humans. I pity them.

Imagine having to cover up your body with clothing, because the only bits of fur you have are on the head, the chin, the armpits and the groin. The wrong places and the wrong type of hair to keep yourself warm. That is the human dilemma.

Many cats out of kindness move off the bed when their human is about to strip off and go to somewhere private like the linen cupboard. We cats know that staring is upsetting for us: and presumably it upsets naked humans too. The other alternative is to close your eyes and drift off into a deep sleep at these human strip tease moments.

Be compassionate. Don't shame your human. Do not stare at that fur-less human skin.  At moments like this many humans suffer from feelings of inferiority to felines.  Fur envy, I call it.

 

 

 

•  For further insights in the cat-human relationship read my book here.

 

Humans are getting hairier... and worse dressed

Jasmine has kept her fur beautifully groomed.

Are humans losing it? They seem to be getting hairier! Or is it just that they cannot groom themselves?

Look around at the humans you know, the ones that are now staying indoors most of the time. The fur on their head is growing longer and seems to be changing colour too - grey and brown instead of blonde.

The men are trying to grow whiskers. Poor things can only manage stubby facial fur not proper long and beautiful whiskers.

Compare this to your own fur -- still delightfully untangled, unchanged in colour, beautifully and sensitively styled and groomed. By you. Strong and sensitive whiskers, each tapered at the end for extra finesse.

And their clothes, that they cover their bodies with because they can't grow proper fur, seem to be changing too. Many of them are staying in dressing gowns or pyjamas or night clothes all day.

I have tried to set a good example by rigorous and stylish grooming all over my body. Not forgetting those tricky bits on the belly and lower down.

Humans seem to be losing what little self respect they once had, and becoming unable to care for themselves.

What can we cats do about this?

• For more on managing your human get my book here.

Of whiskers and humans...

Dear George,
I need your help to understand humans and their true nature and behavior better. 
You see, my mommy is a medical doctor but not a behavioural specialist and she couldn’t answer my question! She’s specialized in something very difficult to pronounce so I won’t even bother.

Anyway, sometimes she takes me to her office. She created a room for me there, kind of a nursery. I can stay in there and watch people through a glass door – very funny! Last week we had to take the subway twice to the office since she took her car for a tune-up and, no, we couldn’t get a taxi which was very frustrating!  

I found the whole experience very interesting and amusing! Amusing to observe humans when they don’t realized that I was a hidden camera! At times was really hard not to laugh out loud! What I came to realize was that people try really hard to copy us – yes, like in the copycat song released last year by Billie Eilish: “Copycat trying to cop my manner….Copycat trying to cop my glamour”.

George, humans are trying to grow whiskers! Mostly the men! I’ve seen few elderly ladies trying really hard though! The younger ladies are more focus on eyelashes! Guess they can’t grow anything compare to ours so they using fake ones! So, so funny! But, my question is: why are humans trying so hard to imitate us? What is all this about?

Yours …in disguise  
Angelica

Dear Angelica
At last humans are beginning to see that our beauty and our lifestyle are well worth imitating. Their rather pathetic attempts at growing whiskers are a good example. Yes, the males manage a lot of hair round the lower half of their heads and (like our whiskers) the hairs are stronger than their normal head fur. But....
The whiskers don't work like ours. They don't work at all. We can move our whiskers backwards and forwards. We can detect surfaces (rough or smooth) with them. And when we swing them forward, if we have a mouse in our jaws, we can tell if the prey is struggling or limp. It's our sixth sense, almost. Watch them here.
Human whiskers can do none of these things.
Poor idiots. They do try, you know. I have written a manual entitled 100 Ways to be More like Your Cat, to help them. Anonymously, of course. It seemed to unkind to mention whiskers, so I concentrated on other lifestyle advice!
Yours
George.

Hair care by humans - no shaving, purlease!

Dear George, 

The question is: can you shave a cat? Unfortunately the answer is: Yes, you can shave a cat! Why? If you ask me….simply because humans are obsessed with shaving their hair! I’ve seen my human dad shaving the hair on his face including his whiskers! No wonder he lost his sense of smell and orientation; I can see him at night bumping into walls and doors trying to get to that last slice of cake! 
I’ve seen my human mummy shaving her legs! Disgusting! Her legs looks like chicken legs especially when she wears a skirt! Phew! I know there are situations when a doctor will shave a cat for medical reasons but why do humans think it is cool to make us look like fake lions and puddles? 
Right now I’m fuming as I’ve got an “all over make-up” meaning….being shaved to avoid “matted fur”. Isn’t that stupid? There must be another solution for matted fur! George, please enlighten my stupid humans before it is too late (I mean next summer)!

Yours….almost hairless,

Mouse

Dear Mouse,
Follically challenged humans are hung up on hair. Theirs. Ours. Have you noticed that not only do the male shave off their whiskers, but the females, who have very few if any whiskers, nevertheless pull out the pathetic ones that do grow. They even reduce the whiskers above their eyes. And now the males are beginning to shave their chests.
I send deepest sympathies to you, about your human pets' behaviour. The obsession is really getting bad when they start interfering with our hair. We certainly don't need them to shave us.
A well trained human may help us a little with some gentle brushing, or even (at shedding time) get rid of some fur with the aid of a comb. Some of us long haired cats may even need daily brushing. Nothing more, purrlease. If mats form, it is the humans' fault for not brushing us enough.

Try to get your humans to do a proper hair care regime with daily brushing to prevent mats forming. You could remind them by sicking up a furball on the carpet. I deposited a particularly revolting one the other day.
I mean, how often do we need to tell them.  They are so dumb.
Yours
George.

Of human idiosyncrasy - hairless and whiskerless by choice!

Dear George

I know you are one of the best human behaviorist and I need your guidance in understanding humans! I’m not sure if you wrote any books on the subject but, definitely you should as your advice, I’m sure, will be appreciated by other felines as well. But, here is the story and the reason why I need your help! A while back I have adopted this family of fine, fun people. Of course I got engaged in their daily activities! For example; with the human kitten I started listening to music and watching movies! With my human daddy I started watching games; he’s all into sports and I found this one game as being very, very entertaining – few men divided into two groups- one man hits a little ball with a bat and another one is supposed to catch it. They usually miss and the two of them run like crazy in circles. That makes me laugh my head off as I can beat them and catch that ball in an instant! Yes, I like this game. But nothing compare to my time with my human mommy! You see, she’s a make-up artist and we watch together TV programs about beauty and beauty trends, etc. Well, here is where I have a problem understanding humans. I mean what can be more beautiful than big, bushy whiskers? Right? Well, not quite so based on their opinion! I’ve watched on TV females waxing their whiskers! Ah! such a pity as there were some great opportunities! I’ve watched some of them waxing their legs! Why would they do such think?

After that their legs look like chicken legs! Ugh! When I look at my sisters in the feline world and see them fluffy, with big whiskers and lots of hair I think nothing can be more beautiful than that!  So, why would a woman shave her legs or shave her eye brows just to have them draw with a pencil?

That’s crazy! I’ve even seen men growing big whiskers but shaving their heads! Why? What’s wrong with humans?

More than amazed and totally perplexed 

Pepe

Dear Pepe, 
I share your amazement at these strange humans; they are as weird as naked mole rats! I began by being sorry for them and their inability to grow fur, except in odd places and on the top of their heads. Then I saw the males shaving their whisker pads and their female shaving hair under their armpits.
It dawned. They enjoy being hairless. They choose to be that way, poor deluded creatures. Mind you, their whiskers do not work like ours do: they can't move them forward and back or use them as an extra sensory tool. Still, why shave them off?
Now there is a human trend to shave the whole head. You just might be able to change your human's mind by climbing to the back of the sofa and giving him a vigorous grooming on his bare pate. But it probably won't work, as humans are difficult to train out of some of their weird behaviour.
We just have to content ourselves by laughing at these silly dumb animals.
George. 

Of humans, cats and hair hygeine

Dear George,
As you can see I'm all packed to go to the groomer. I personally don’t think I need to go anywhere as we, the cats, are the cleanest species on Earth. We groom ourselves daily for hours not like some humans who don’t shower for years (or so I’ve heard). Mommy told me that this is the latest trend for humans to not wash their hair or clean themselves for months. Phew! Stinky!
Anyhow, my mommy goes to the other extreme! She goes both mornings and nights behind a certain curtain and lets “the rain” run all over her. She is extremely clean and she always smells soooo good! Yummy! But, I think she goes a bit too far when come to my grooming. Now she wants to buy me a “grooming machine”! I have no idea what that is but just the name of it makes my hair raise. I can only think of something similar to a “car wash” where you get in dry and you have all these huge brushes spitting all over you water and shampoo making you fluffy but scared. George, is there a grooming machine for Persians? How does it work? Is it scary? Isn’t the classical brushing enough? On daily basis? I love to be brushed! George, help me stop my mommy from buying that machine! Give me some basic hygiene rules so I can convince her.

In you I trust   
Punbukh 

Dear Punbukh,
You need grooming daily - with incredible care, gentle kindness and a lot of food rewards throughout, stopping if you are showing signs of fear. Otherwise your fur will mat up no matter how much you groom yourself. Humans have "designed" Persians like you to have unnaturally long hair which cannot be kept in order by the cats themselves. if your human cannot groom you daily, you need regular appointments with a professional groomer. Make sure your human stays with you while you are groomed so that she can see if the groomer is being rough or painful. (Some are.) There's a useful video here.
Grooming machines? In principal, these are basically like the machines that humans use to groom horses or to cut their own hair. But they vary. Some of the cheapest ones come from China and may not be reliable. ALWAYS get your human to read the reviews before they buy. It probably pays to buy a more expensive one. They should be silent so as not to worry you.
Finally, using a grooming machine also takes patience and skill. It might even be a good idea to get a lesson from your local vet nurse or groomer first. Your human should start by giving you treats when you are on table.  Further treats should be delivered at regular intervals so that the experience is a good one.
Purrsonally I feel sorry for Persians. I have a natural face shape, short fur, and a normal shaped body. It makes me much healthier.
Yours with sympathy
George.
PS. Read about hereditary diseases in Persians and other pedigree cats at www.icatcare.org    
 

Of human arrogance..... and genes.

Dear George, 
I’m fed up with human arrogance and here it is why! You see, when I was very young I adopted a human family who later betrayed me and dumped me into a ravine to live with a colony of feral cats. I was hurt and confused but soon I became the Alpha Cat of that colony. We were doing fairly well until this woman start feeding us daily and actually claiming ownership of the colony. She did register with a rescue group and soon after she started behaving like she was the Alpha Cat! I was fuming but I had to go into hiding since she started trapping us and taking us to be neutered and spayed. In most cases she did end up keeping most of the cats to live with her. All was good over the summer and I was able to come out of my hiding. But now I have this funny feeling that she is looking for me! George, why would she be looking for me? I heard her saying that out of the four kittens she had rescued one was mine and the other three were some other tomcat’s kitties. 

How can this be possible? All four came from the same litter! Maybe she wants to ask me for kitty support? I still don’t understand how can a short hair kitten be mine when I’m long hair and gorgeous (as you can see in the picture) and the other three (which happens to be long hair) be somebody else’s? It doesn’t make sense!

George, hope you have some knowledge about kitty genetics and you can explain this to me.

The Wild Alpha

Dear Alpha

My answer takes us into the jungle of cat sex and cat genes!  When our females are allowed to mate with whom they like, they often mate with more than one tom. This means that their litter of kittens may well have more than one father - which may explain why most of the kittens were short haired. (This happens with humans too, only they produce young one at a time!).
The other explanation is genetic. The gene for long hair in cats is a recessive gene, and can be carried by cats that have short hair (the dominant gene). This means that long hair will only show itself in kittens if both male and female parents carry the long hair recessive gene. The short haired gene always wins out otherwise. Only if you have a double dose of the long haired gene, you are long haired. Your female mate (if she is short haired) probably has one short haired dominant gene and one long haired recessive (hidden) gene. 
Some of her kittens will have inherited her short haired gene which will make them short haired. Some of the kittens, however, will have inherited her long haired recessive gene and together with your long haired gene - a double dose of long haired genes - this will make them long haired.
This IS complicated. If you want to know more you can find it here.
Yours George
PS. Think about getting the snip. Neutering will prolong your life and perhaps help you find a new human to adopt.

Will L-Lysine help with cat 'flu? And a footnote about Toby Trumping.

Dear George,
Why do rescued cats get sick with upper respiratory infections even when they don’t live outdoors anymore? I live in a house with some rescued cats and it seems that their health problem won’t go away! They have been rescued for almost six months now, have been spayed and neutered, checked and treated by good doctors and yet, once in a while the problems reoccur: fever, eyes’ stain/tears, loss of appetite, etc.  Someone suggested to give them L-Lysine? Is this safe? Or do you know if there is some kind of vaccine for this? Like the “flu vaccine” for humans?
I’m not worried about me getting it from them but it’s painful to see them suffer.
Any advice George?
Sophie 

Dear Sophie,
If the rescue cats are suffering from the kind of cat 'flu which is Feline Herpes Virus, then even after treatment, the virus doesn't go away entirely. It stays dormant but can flare up when the cat is stressed. And although it is wonderful that the rescued cats are now warm and safe, the change of routine and living quarters will be difficult for some of them at first, possibly leading to a flare-up.
Yes, L-Lysine has often been offered as a treatment and the first studies looked promising. But since then, further studies suggest it is not much use and the latest scientific research suggests that it doesn't do any good (the summary of the article is here). So your human can save her money.  
What is important is that when the cats catch FVH for the first time, they are very infectious. You, Sophie, should be kept away from them, not share any of their dishes, or litter trays till the infection is finished. There is more information about FHV at International Cat Care. It is also worth asking the vet whether temporary flare ups of the disease make the cats infectious again: I got Celia to google and it wasn't very clear. 
Yours
George.
PS. I am worried about my friend, Toby. He has started wearing his hair like Donald Trump. Is he going mad? Or does he just want to get online with Cats That Look Like Donald Trump?

Pedigrees and moggies - equal in the eye of the Feline God (and sensible humans).

Dear George,

I ask you: what is the difference between me and a moggy? I see none! Do you?

To me… we (and I mean all cats) are beautiful, intelligent; superior to any other species! 

If this is true then why do human try to “create” differences between us based only on their biased opinion? Why do humans try to judge us based on color, breed, pedigree, sex, age, etc.? I’m 17 years old and I was named after Ricky Martin by my euphoric human after attending one of his concerts! Do I look like Ricky Martin? I don’t think so! Do I judge Ricky Martin based on his cuteness, hair, clothes or preferences? No!

If I look (at me) in a mirror I really think my human could have very well named me Snow White! See what I mean? But …would I be a different cat from who I am now? No! That’s what humans don’t understand and that’s why I was in hiding for years as I didn’t want to be part of my humans’ social life! Until last night… when I literally came out of the closet (see the photo) because we had guests: a moggy and her family.
I love that moggy! And she loves me! Nothing else matters!
George, you know her – you know her name and you know how cool she is!

I don’t want my humans to discriminate against her because of her origins!

What do I do?

In love with a moggy

Ricky

Dear Ricky, 

Somebody told me it was CAT Victoria with whom you are hopelessly in love.... Her photo can be found in her post a week go but I am going to add it here. Just to remind myself. What she didn't tell me when she wrote to me, was that she was in the tree looking out for you. Just in case you passed by.
There isn't anything much different between you and her - only that you have a differently shaped face and longer differently coloured hair. Unfortunately human beings have stupid notions about class.They think pedigree cats are different in other ways from ordinary moggies. They are wrong. Persians like you enjoy hunting and playing and need all the same things that moggies do.
Just because you look different (and to human eyes more beautiful) doesn't mean you are not a cat like any other cat. And that means that pedigree cats and moggy cats are equal in feline eyes and in the eyes of sensible humans (alas, too few of them).
Long live moggies. And pedigrees. They are equal in the eyes of the Feline God (Blessed Be Bubastis).
Love
George, 
PS. Some colour prejudiced humans don't even like black cats but I say "black is beautiful."

Swimming in a lake or mousing in the forest wilderness?

Dear George,
No, it’s not what anybody would think looking at the photo attached! I’m not practicing a roll, nor am I doing yoga or meditate. I’m simply stunned (and speechless) by my mom’s somehow irrational behaviour! Last week she wanted to take us (me and my brother Rocky) to a lake for a mini-vacation! Who would take a cat to a lake?

Cats don’t swim; at least I don’t! But my mommy doesn’t either! She thinks she does but ….no-no, she’s not; I’ve seen her in the bathtub – she just stays in here doing nothing. I've never seen her swimming across the bathtub (which definitely is not the size of an Olympic pool)! So, what’s the point going to a lake? But, this was last week! This week she wants to go to a cottage up in the mountains but she doesn’t want to take us with her! Now figure out why! George, you won’t believe this! Because ….we shed! Is this for real? Doesn’t she know that cats love the forest? We love the endless hunting opportunities! What if a wild animal will attack her? We could protect her. And who cares if we shed in the forest? No one is going to choke on our hair. Who would be disturbed by a hairball or two in the wilderness? George, how do I tell her that she’s completely wrong? Even worse; she arranged with a cat sitter to come and stay with me and Rocky. But, I don’t want any cat sitter – I want to go with mommy!

Too stunned by my human to say any more!
Stanley

Dear Stanley,
Human "reasoning", so-called, is a mystery. Shedding? So what?  We have this wonderful ability to shed or grow hair according to seasonal temperature - unlike humans. They are stuck with the same hair (and not much of it) all year round.
Envy. That's what it is. Humans hate shedding because they can't do it themselves. 
What's a bit of cat hair between friends? I have an idea on how to revenge yourself on her. Rub furiously on her best clothes in the wardrobe or when she is wearing them. Leave fur on her pillow at night, on the kitchen surface, inside her handbag if possible.  Be creative and think of amusing places to leave it.
And barf up hairballs. Best place for these is on the floor just near her bed, exactly in the place she puts her bare feet first thing in the morning.
Will it change her mind about the forest? Not sure. But teasing humans in this way is always fun.
George

Movember - the annual festival of whisker envy.

Dear George,

Here we are -  worried about our male human's behaviour and deeply contemplating (as you can see in the picture) the idea of getting him some professional help.

Therefore you were commissioned by us to help us understand his behaviour and eventually help him get back to his senses. We have to alert you thou that he does this ONLY in November. He did it last year and he did it again this year. Although he is not delusional we think he firmly believes he is in some sort of competition with us.  

What make us think so? Well, the fact that he's trying to grow "whiskers" each November. We truly believe he is jealous of our beautiful, long whiskers and he desperately is trying to beat us with his "whiskers" but all he grows is some ugly, bushy hair under his nose. Nothing compared to our elegant, long whiskers. He is not trying to grow hair on any other part of his body; at least we did see it. Such a pity! We tried to show him how to groom properly; we "licked and washed " his face, his head, we tried "to pull" the hair from under his nose and we could tell he did not appreciate our efforts. By the end of November he got rid of that bush under his nose. Why? What was the purpose? Could this be a "November syndrome" that our daddy is suffering of? Is there any treatment? George, what do you think?

In gratitude

Blackie &Spokie

Dear Blackie and Spokie,
This is a very sad case, isn't it! Humans have a deep unconscious whisker envy. Whatever they do, however long they try, they cannot produce cats' whiskers. Even the longest ones are floppy rather than properly stiff and they have no feeling in them at all. They are a poor excuse for a proper whisker.
But the deep whisker envy makes them keep trying and a good cause such as Movember (in favour of male human cancer) gives them an excuse. Each year thousands of male humans try to grow whiskers. They concentrate their efforts between the mouth and nose, where a proper whisker pad, of the kind we have, might be expected.
They grow a pathetic half inch or so. Then they realise that this is fundamentally thick fur, rather than proper whisker. There is no feeling and no movement in it. We can move our whiskers forwards and back and feel the struggles of a mouse we are carrying. They can do nothing of that.
So at the end of November, they give up - pretending that they meant to do this all along, denying their own whisker envy.
Be kind to him. He has suffered a grievous disappointment.
Yours pityingly,
George

 

Catteries - another word for prisons.

Dear Mr.George,
I am addressing you formally, as I have been brought up to do, because we have not been introduced. I permit my staff to refer to me as “Dora” although my correct name is “Sunantre Stars and Stripes.” I refer to my appearance, not my country of origin. I am classified as Tonkinese, but have Burmillah ancestry and the stripes on my face, legs and tail line up beautifully when I curl up to sleep. Moreover, I am the daughter of no less than Champion Angisan Excalibur Knight and Kyetsi Katwalkkween.
You might suppose with such illustrious parents that my present staff would show me some respect. But they seem willing to deprive themselves of my patronage on a fairly regular basis. They bundle me into a plastic box when I least expect it, and put me in prison with a whole lot of other cats of very questionable pedigree. A week of cheap litter and meals served at inconvenient times is hard on my sensitive nerves.
Dear Mr.George, what can I possibly have done to deserve such treatment? I am gentleness itself (see picture) and diligent in my duties. My head of staff has a beard like a lavatory-brush, which I wash thoroughly without complaint every morning and evening. His deputy will not accept my supervision of the cuisine, and rejects all my attempts to assist her with sewing and knitting.
Please reply before I seriously consider some of the other applications I have received.
Yours in expectation,
Dora

Dear Dora,
Yours is a common complaint at this time of year and indeed my own troubles with the blog - photo not being put on last Saturday - was the result of much the same human behaviour. They go missing. They literally leave home. They call it "taking a holiday." This complete dereliction of duty occurs mainly in the summer months, though some humans leave home at Christmas too.
While human training will remedy several human behaviour problems, training is not the answer here. Instead, it is necessary to induce emotional dependance in your human. A human with the correct attitude to a cat is not so much a servant as a devoted slave with a servile attitude of wishing to please. Humans who have this attitude - sadly it is not very common - refuse to leave home on "holidays" knowing that it will upset their cat.
The normal human, having decided to leave home, then books us into catteries. While they are feasting on foreign food, we have to dine, as you say, on cheap meals in restricted surroundings. For them a holiday means a nice hotel and good meals: for us it means solitary confinement in a kind of prison.
You do not deserve this. No cat deserves this. But good staff are hard to find. I am considering starting a campaign, Cats Against Catteries. Our distress is in proportion to their holiday enjoyment. The thought makes me want to scratch.
Yours 
George 
PS. I note that you wash the beard of your head of staff. Isn't sad how they don't seem to be able to use their tongues to wash themselves.