We cats dread Christmas....

 

My idiotic relative Percy likes Christmas

There may be some cats that enjoy Christmas, but I don't. And  almost all the cats I am acquainted with simply loathe it. Except for Percy on the left.

 The only good thing about Christmas is the turkey. There is usually a lot left over at the end of the day, so I might get some as a treat.

Otherwise it is a nightmare of humans - babies, toddlers (ugh!), harassed adults. Young children may even try to "dress" me.

Strangers invade the house. They ruin the family scent that I have carefully created by rubbing against my normal human and the furniture.

They smell wrong, wrong, wrong... Worse still, some of them smell of dog. And worst of all, sometimes they bring a dog into my home.

Some of the humans get drunk too. That makes them vocalise loudly and sometimes leads to a vocal fight among the relatives. It is a grim time.

What can a self-respecting cat do? Well I retire to the spare bedroom (if it is unoccupied) or loaf around on my human's bed. 

I suppose I should be grateful that I am not put into a cattery. Some of my feline friends languish in solitary confinement while their humans go for a holiday.

Christmas is coming.... and I dread it.

Cats are King.... the message.

 

In the fight for better conditions we cats need to catch humans young, when they are just kittens. Although babies can be unpleasantly damp and toddlers not much better, from the age of five onwards they become more sensible.

This is the  moment to influence those dumb human minds for the good of the feline world. Humans who grow up with cats in the house will be available as carers later in life.

Tom, the original and (he claims) true author of the book, has written this book under his human's pseudonym. I sympathise with his need to have a human "author."

This is Tom

The story shows how a cat behaves in the household - and how humans just have to put up with it! Good propaganda for the little ones.

It's also important for human kittens to get a sense of their place in the human household. Obviously top of the pecking order is CAT, then adult human, then young human and - right at the bottom if they exist in the family - dog.

Congratulations, Tom. Keep up the good work.

No cats at the Coronation!

There are no cats at the British coronation. Not a whisker of one. 

 Larry the famous Downing St cat was not invited to Westminster Abbey. Neither was Palmerston of the Foreign Office invited out of retirement for the occasion.

Attlee, the new cat who has adopted the Speaker at the House of Commons will also be absent. His pet, Sir Lindsey Hoyle, however, will attend in his place.

Rumour has it that there is no place for any feline at Buckingham Palace for one good reason. Dogs will pledge allegiance any day even if it is in return for a biscuit. 

Cats won't. They don't do loyalty. Felines are republicans. They grovel to nobody. Canines are loyal royalists.

Remember the Civil War, when we cut off the head of Charles the First? 

Who's for doing it again, fellow felines?

What my ears hear....

 

My ears are the amazing. I can hear more from low to high- pitched sounds than any other warm-blooded animal that human scientists have tested. My hearing range is remarkable.

At the low range my hearing is about what would be expected from a small animal. But what is unexpected is the high pitched sounds that I can hear.  I can hear the tiniest little squeaks of small rodents and insects. 

What usually happens to animal hearing is that the higher an animal can hear, the less it can hear at lower pitch.  But that's not happened to us cats. We can hear low and we can hear high.

It's obviously why we need to hear high pitched sounds. These are the sounds in the undergrowth that alert us to mice, rats and other rodents. These are our prey in the wild.

But why do we need to hear the relatively low sounds? That may be because we have a dual role in life. We are hunters and predators but we are also prey to larger animals. We may need to hear the low sounds to keep us safe from animals like coyotes and dogs. 

We are both prey and predator.

 

Give me a kitten before 7 weeks....

Give me a kitten before the age of seven weeks, and I will show you the adult cat. This is adapted from the ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, who said  - "Give me a child before the age of seven and I will show you the man."

It's true. What happens to a kitten before the age of about eight weeks, defines much of its future life. 

• If it grows up in the wild for the first two months of its life, without any human contact, it will become a wild animal rather than a pet.
•  If it grows up as a single bottle-fed kitten for the first two months of its life, it may be socially awkward around other cats in later life.
• If it is born to and brought up with a highly stressed mother cat, it is likely to grow up to become a stressed cat.
• If it grows up with a good mother cat, lots of play with its siblings and lots of gentle interaction with humans (and maybe a friendly family dog) it will become a confident and loving pet.

Yes, feral kittens can be rehabilitated in the next three months of their lives so that they are suitable as pets. But they need careful and intensive rehabilitation. Yes, feral cats can be tamed - over a number of years.

But kittens should be born into a home, not a pen, wherever possible. Or fostered in a home as soon as possible.

Cat rescuers take note....

Keep safe at Christmas

Humans go mad at Christmas. We cats know this only too well. They fill the house with strange relatives (bad), put up a pine tree in the living room (good and bad), cook and serve a lot of food (good), make weird singing noises called carols, and get drunk on alcohol, their equivalent of catnip.

What does this mean for us cats?

• Relatives... they take up space in the spare room where we usually sleep. Some of them bring horrible dogs with them. They bring strange smells with them. Some of them bring young human kittens that try to cuddle us. Uggh.
  
• Christmas tree. It's fun to play with the glittery things dangling from the Christmas tree. It's fun to climb up it. But sometimes the tree comes with the smell of dog pee. It's been sitting outside on the pavement and a passing dog has urinated on it. What can we do with the upsetting smell? Spray on it, of course. And the pine needles can get in our feet and be very painful.
  
• Food. Turkey is good - but beware the bones which can stick in your gut. The gravy may have onions in it - another danger to our digestion. Christmas pudding may also be poisonous but some of us eat it anyway. Cake with all those raisins in it is also bad for us.
• Carols - just like caterwauling.
• Alcohol. Don't be tempted. What makes a human silly can be a fatal overdose for a cat.
  

Humans and feline loyalty.... huh

 
Another human misunderstanding... Apparently they think we should be loyal to them? Loyal. Yes, it's incredible to realise how dumb these humans are.

Some nosey "scientists" set up an experiment, whereby a stranger behaved negatively towards a cat's human and another stranger was helpful to the cat's human. A third person just stood by being neutral.

Then all three offered the cat a piece of food. Naturally the cat took food from all three. Of course. Why not? From this ridiculous experiment the 'scientists' concluded that cats lacked "social evaluation" because they were not disposed to co-operate with humans.

Apparently dogs avoid humans that behave negatively towards their humans. What does that show? That dogs are stupid enough to side with their humans when there is free food going. 

That's called loyalty. I call it downright idiocy.

Dogs.... crawling sycophants everywhere.

 There are dogs everywhere I look. Most of them still puppies or juveniles. Feline friends of mine have had their lives ruined by dogs suddenly appearing in their household.

Am I being unfair to another species?

A dog in the household, under proper control by the cat, can provide valuable services - a warm body to sleep near or even on top, garden security to see off other cat intruders into the house, and a greater choice of beds. 

Even the smallest kitten must make her dominance evident from the start.

But the sudden intrusion, into a hitherto happy home, is nevertheless upsetting. Threesomes are not to every cat's taste.

Disloyal humans, in search of a more sycophantic pet, may enjoy canine companionship. We often don't.

It won't end well for the dogs.

Cat in the White House

I can't wait for the next First Cat of the USA. The human president elect is going to add a cat to his White House staff, to join his two dogs, Champ and Major.  We don't know which cat yet but I am hoping it will be a rescue cat (the dogs are rescues).

The new First Cat will be following Socks, the last White House cat at the time of a human called Clinton (in the photo above). Socks was too easy going to be a good example to us cats and let his humans, the Clintons, betray him by adding a dog, Buddy the Labrador. When they left the White House, Socks was degraded to the care of a secretary (though a better carer than a Clinton).

The best predecessor was Shan, the cat belonging to a president called Ford. He set a good example for future high flying cats by biting the presidents wife and daughter, after being left in the White House while they went on a skiing trip.

Lets hope the new First Cat follows his example and keeps the new presidential pet, Biden, in his proper place. The White House hierarchy should be like this - First Cat, President, First Dogs and Vice President. 

The watchers -- look upwards

 

The immense superiority of cats over mere humans is at its most powerful when we get high up. The higher we go, the more we can look down on them.

And the less likely they are to find us. It's a strange thing but humans often forget to look upwards, when they are trying to discover where we have got to.

Trees, houses, walls, the top of cars, roofs, sheds, straw bales - anywhere that it a bit higher is where we like to sit. We feel safe high up.Nobody can get us. 

And we can sneer at the dogs and the humans below.... if they even notice us.

Look upwards, humans. We are watching your every move. You don't see us: but we see you from a great height.

Stand up for Cats in Rescue.

Fear and frustration in a rescue

It's time somebody stood up for cats in shelters. Big rescue organisations often treat cats like second hand kittisens. Dogs get all the attention. Cats are just an add on. Humans, purrlease do something.

What is the worst?

Well the worst is the smell and sound of the premises. The scent of dog wafts everywhere - on the hands and clothing of the staff, on the clothing of the would-be adopters, in the veterinary surgery, and in the offices of the manager

Nobody remembers that most of us cats are scared by dogs.

Then there is the constant sound of barking. We cats have the widest range of hearing of almost all animals. We can hear a mouse's footfall. But do shelter staff care? Do they even think of the constant stress of the constant noise of barking?

Nobody remembers the noise of dogs scares us.....

Purrlease, humans, do something.

Educate yourself and others about what we need and want.

Stand up for cats in Rescue!

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• Read more on feline rights here.
  

Feline plot failure

Larry the British Top Cat was within a whisker of political triumph last week. 
Larry, a master feline manipulator, is at the centre of British government (Number 10 Downing St) having seen off three human prime minsters. But he has been plagued by a mongrel dog who has been power sharing with him.
The Times claimed that Dilyn the dog was on the way out. The reason?
The pregnancy of Carrie Symonds, partner of Britain's fertile Prime Minster Boris Johnson. Human females find pregnancy long and difficult and only give birth to one kitten at a time. Pathetic, compared with our litters. As a result humans are paranoid about pregnancies.
So a clever bit of fake mews was put out by Larry supporters who feel he needs Number 10 to himself. Dylin was a danger to the pregnancy and would go.
We cats don't care much for human kittens which are noisy, leak at both ends, and very late developers.  But the absence of Dilyn would have made up for a lot.
Alas, the plot failed. Dylin stays...
 

• If you want to know more about coping with human babies read my book here

Keep dogs in their place

Dogs look up to humans.... I know that sounds incredible, but they do. They are eager to please and willing to obey.
Proof if you ever need it that they are a species totally unlike us.
The dogs we live with may be safe, but we should never assume other dogs are. Strange dogs are never to be trusted. Some of them have been taught, yes taught, to chase cats. Others just do it for fun. 
Cats have lost their lives in the jaws of dogs.
Even a household dog must be kept in its proper place. Don't be afraid to swipe or bite. Most dogs that live with us are cowards at heart and will retreat if attacked. It's usually only strange dogs that we have to run from.
 Dogs should be lowest in the pecking order. The hierarchy should go like this: 

Top: Cat, 
Middle: Human, 
Bottom: Dog.

For  information on how to train a dog go to:

Purrlease.... don't put out the cat.

It's cold and miserable and damp in Britain. And what do some old fashioned humans do? They lock us out of the house, away from warm beds and central heating.
No wonder that some of us leave home or just follow some friendly stranger in the hope that they will let us into their house.This time of year it is too wet and cold for a cat to be left outside.
Besides, night time is the most dangerous time for cats. We get dazzled by car lights and then run over by cars. We get attacked by foxes or stray dogs or (in the US) coyotes.
So don't do it, humans.


 
Still time to order you copy of my book here. 

Advice to Larry the First Cat

Dogs look up to humans, while we look down on them. Why does this matter? It gives humans ideas above their station in life. Just look the disasters that have happened to the British Prime Minister since he imported a dog into Number Ten Downing St... It's pathetic to see a dog rolling on its back in front of a human. Or putting its face between its paws in a kind of bow. They can't help it. They seem to think that humans are some kind of superior being.  That feeds into the human idea that they own us. Own us? They may own the dog but they certainly don't own a cat. We live independent lives which we may choose to share with them. But only from a position of feline superiority.

My advice to Larry the Downing St cat is to institute an immediate obedience training programme for the new First Dog, while it is still a pup. Get in there with a few well timed paw swipes.

With luck, Dylin the dog will be out of Number Ten very shortly, but there's a chance he may wheedle his way back in after a general election.

Start a punishment regime NOW. 

Coming shortly - more canine advice in my new book.

Exercise your human the feline yoga way

Dear George,

Last night I’ve got up (after a longer nap) to get my night time treats and there was no movement around. The silence was quite unusual and a bit unbearable! Hmm? Where was my mommy? I knew she was somewhere in the house; was she asleep? So I started moving slowly and quietly and there she was….in the stillness of the night…she was watching a video! But, mind you, not your regular video - I mean music or something!

In this video there was a woman explaining some exercises that my mommy was supposed to follow! That caught my interest so I joined my human to watch it!

George, you won’t believe this! The first exercise was about “stretching out one’s arms and rotating/spinning clockwise (apparently very important) like a dog chasing its tail until one gets dizzy! At least, I got dizzy just by watching it and honestly I think I’ve passed out! By the time I’ve regained my consciousness the woman in the video was bent forward in something that was called “downward dog”! What? I know most people behave like dogs …that’s why they are their best friends! They chase their tails, don’t know when to stop eating, looking at you with those big eyes full of loyalty and adoration and most of the time…barking at the wrong tree! Yes, most people but ….not my mommy! George, I have to save my mommy! I don’t want her to do all these nonsense dog exercises! I want her to behave like a cat: napping, relaxing, eating little but good and performing purrfect and elegant stretches (look at my picture attached)!

Now, how do I do this?
Uma

Dear Uma,
Canine type exercises (with all that bottom sniffing and tail wagging) are definitely not ideal for humans. They should be doing cat yoga instead. There are also some very nice feline yoga poses to be found here. If humans imitated some of our more common poses, and cultivated inner feline serenity, they would be much healthier and happier.  
I recommend that you join her during her exercise routine and see if you can entice her to imitate your behaviour. If you start by imitating some of her behaviours, you will catch her attention. Once she is watching, then take the initiative and do some interesting poses for her. Ziggy volunteered to help me by doing some of his more athletic poses for the camera - just to give you a few ideas.

If she continues to watch silly videos suggesting dog behaviour for humans just insert your body between her and the screen and blank it out. We can't have humans imitating dogs. It is just too humiliating for us and for them.
Yours 
George!  
PS. And let us not forget the feline revolutionary asana (below)