At war with my mother... like many humans.

Dear George, 

I decided to write my memoir (as you can see in the picture) and I need your help since you are so much more experienced in writing books than any other cat!

It is true I’m only three but I think I’ll write my memoir in “stages”: Part I – kittenhood; Part II – tomcathood; Part III – wisdom at sunset! The kittenhood chapter is difficult because of the memory I have of how I was given away by my own biological mother! Yes! I remember that! You see, my mother was pregnant when she was rescued. She had a litter of four (two girls and two boys) in these humans’ house. Then, when we were about eight weeks old she gave me and my brother, Bubble, away to some of their close relatives.
But, life is strange and due to unexpected events we’ve got back with our biological family. George, now that I’m back in the house where I was born I can’t help fighting with my Mama because I am so mad at her! She is scared and doesn’t understand why I’m so aggressive but how could she discriminate between the boys and the girls? Why did she keep the girls and gave away the boys? I see red only thinking of it!
My brother is begging me to calm down! He’s trying to convince me that it wasn’t our mama who gave us up! He says she didn’t have a chance and that it was the human mama who gave us up! Could this be true? And, if it is, how do I punish my humans? Bite? Scratch? Piss on them? What?
George, tell me the truth and teach my how to punish my humans (we’ll talk later about tips on writing, editing and publishing). Punishing my humans is of paramount importance right now!

In boxing mood

Ricky

Dear Ricky,
Even though plenty of humans are mad at their mothers and would hate to live with them as adults, they still expect us cats to do this. You had grown up, become independent, and now suddenly you are plonked back in the family without your consent. It is not fair to assume you will get on with your mother. Very few adult humans live with theirs!
Can you rehome yourself?  If you have a cat flap, you can just start looking for a new home down the street. Turn up, sit outside, meow pathetically. It usually works.
If you do not have a cat flap, I suggest you get your human's attention by spraying urine, a form of territory marking which highlights your discontent and stress. If they call in a cat behaviour counsellor (as they should) this "expert" will suggest either rehoming or extensive modifications to the home to keep you and your mother apart.
Yours
George.
PS. All this would make a good misery memoir in the style of Angela's Ashes or A Boy Called It. Get writing.

 

Larry the Downing Street Cat is in Danger

Dear George, 
Something very curious happened to me! Since I took up Cat-Yoga (pronounced Catha-yoga) both my energy and conscience expended to an unbelievable level! I’m no longer the sleepy kitten waiting for my Mom and Dad to rub my belly and give me little kisses!
Even more so my awareness of critical situation and injustice developed to such an extent that I became a very active supporter of the “animals’ rights” movement around the globe. Of course I have full support of my mummy and quite often I’ll send her to represent me at different demonstrations and protests!
I became aware of the changes going on in the UK lately and, with no intention to get into politics, I have to ask you one question! What is going to happen with Larry, the cat now? (NB: not to be mistaken for Larry, the tabby - the famous cat of CatCafe in Vancouver, Canada that your very meow-amazing Adele fell in love - or so the twitter world claims). 
So, getting back to our Larry – the cat living at 10 Downing - will he be abandoned once again? Will he be back on the streets?  Or will he continue to serve the nation from 10 Downing? I heard he was limping the other night? Did he get proper treatment? Does he have the full staff to his orders as before? I’m very worried about his fate. Should I start a cat revolution to save Larry?
George, I’m standing tall (as you can see in the picture attached) and waiting for your comments! You are closer to home than me.
Yours…. ready for action,
Beau 

Dear Beau,
Larry has had a tough time lately - but its nothing to do with the new Prime Minister at no 10 Downing St. For a very brief period he was in charge of Number 10 after David Cameron left and before Theresa May was officially in charge. But he welcomed her into his home and all is well between them, as far as we can tell.
No. The danger has come from the Foreign Office. Not Boris Johnson, the Foreign secretary with the Donald Trump hair. But from Palmerston, a dark presence and sworn foe.
Palmerston is named after an expansionist Victorian Prime Minister, and seems to behave like his human predecessor.
He is a black and white cat. In his tuxedo with white gloves, he obviously thinks himself a cut above Larry from Battersea and is expanding into his territory.
So Larry has limped home with a wounded paw and the nation waits to see who will win this cat fight.
Yours 
George.
PS. Another competing mouse looms. Gladstone has joined the Treasury.

It is better to arrive than to travel.... crossing borders

Dear George,
My name is Bowie and even if I came before Easter ….I’m not a bunny, I’m a stray cat from the streets of Mexico. A kind family vacationing in the Mexico found me looking for food near a resort. They took me in and alerted all their friends trying desperately to find me a house before their return to their country. I understood they have a rescued cat home as well. One of their friends who lives in Mexico adopted me already and took me to some man (they call him a vet) who checked my whole body like I was crossing the border!!! And then he gave me a shot. Nothing was painful but I was scared and didn’t understand why all this was necessary. I didn’t ask for a visa….I just asked for food!

Anyway, I’m now a happy camper, with plenty of food and attention.

But, I worry because I don’t know if this nice lady will keep me for good (I wish she would as I like her a lot) or I’ll be heading soon to another country to live with the family who found me and their other rescue? What do you think? How can I find out?

Happy Easter to all!

Bowie

Dear Bowie,

Yes, we cats usually aren't too keen on travel. We are natural home bodies. We like nice safe core territory in a human house, and, if we can get it, a hunting range outside in the neighbourhood's gardens. So it is natural that you must feel rather worried.

Will you be settled for life? I hope so. There are lots of cats here in the UK who discover that their home is being broken up -- divorce, moving to rented accomodation that won't allow cats, getting lost, or just sheer bad look. Then they need homes all over again.

Some cats, however, find their own homes. Magic, a Maine coon, went missing in Kingston on Thames and so his human pets knocked on the door of every house in their street. They found Magic on the sofa on one of the houses. He had been regularly eating and sleeping there in the daytime for several weeks. And, three other humans in the street, admitted that he popped in regularly to them for a snack.

So it is not all one wway, Bowie. Humans like to think they are in charge, but more often they discover they are not. You may find that you can re-home yourself if you don't like the accomodation offered by your current pet. Or, just add another human home or two for extra petting and food when yours is absent.

A beautiful white cat like you will never be short of humans to adopt. If you like the one you are currently with, just make sure you give her plenty of attention. Humans are suckers for a cat that purrs, nuzzles and rubs up against them. Make yourself indispensable to her happiness. Charm her. Schmooze her.

Love

George.

Cat Question: What if my humans move house?

Dear George
My primary care giver has been talking about "moving house". This has been going on ages now and they may not get round to it but I'm not sure I approve. I have everything I want here, although the large garden which is mentioned sounds good. What do you think?
I would rather not dump them as I am not going back to the streets and like the regular meals, cat flap, litter tray at this cold tie of year and sit down cuddles/ treats on the sofa. Plus I got tuna for breakfast and a new toy recently - a flat mouse shaped leather tag on a leather string, it came with a "work/documents" file which is useless for playing with so the human got that, I think my end of the deal is best. The flat mouse is good though, and smells nice and animal like, so the humans are worth holding onto.
Smudge

ANSWER:

The human obsession with moving house shows their complete inability to grasp the meaning of territory. "Territory is security" is a well known saying among wise cats. We need core territory, a place to eat, sleep and if necessary hide. We also need the home hunting range. We know the home range intimately - the patch of ivy near the garden shed where a family of wood mice hang out, the box shrub that smells like cat pee so we mark on it, the garden wall next door where we can sit and terrorize next door's smaller cat, the frightening front steps near the pavement where passing dogs leave THEIR marks. We know it. We love it. We feel happy in it.
Moving house just ruins everything for us.
Consider your options. Is there a friendly neighbour you could move in on? Is this the time to develop a huge and very visible series of panic attacks? Run from even the slightest noise, hide under the bed, make strange wailing noises? This might persuade your humans that you are going through a nervous breakdown and should not be moved. Also pee on the property pages of the newspapers NOW. Show them what you think of the idea. When they are consulting websites like Prime Location jump on the keyboard with all four paws to make them disappear.