Now it's Biden stealing feline rights...

Jill Biden - https://twitter.com/FLOTUS/status/1487008748577214465

 As an author in my own right, I felt irritated  about more publishing competition from humans. It's bad enough that my human, Celia, keeps making money out of writing cat books...

Now the First Lady, Jill Biden, is getting into the act - with a children's book about the White House cat, Willow.

I don't mean to be catty, but readers will note that she did not write a book about the Biden dog, Major, who bit several members of staff. He was sent away in disgrace to live with family friends.

Neither did she write about the next dog, a puppy called Commander. He bit various secret service agents on at least 10 occasions and finally bit the White House superintendant, responsible for walking him.

No, Jill Biden realised that writing about the Biden dogs was not going to go anywhere. So she settled for Willow, the White House cat who has so far not bitten anybody.

Will Willow bite back, when she realises her owner is making money out of her? I have, on occasion, bitten Celia when I thought she was taking liberties with my copyright.

Watch this space....

 

 

 

Do cats mourn? The loss of scent harmony

 

Do we mourn, when we lose a feline or a human friend? Of course, we do. Some of us go round the house looking for the missing friend: others sink into depression.

Of course, if it was a cat with whom we were not friendly, we probably go round looking for them - to make sure that they have left forever. Then we can take their place on the bed or under the warmest radiator of the house.

Any change is upsetting, of course. The scent profile of the house, so important to our feelings of security and harmony, changes. This family scent is made up of our signature scent, the scent of all the house occupants and of the house itself. We make it by rubbing ourselves against places, people and other cats - both depositing and picking up scent.

Any change is upsetting. Sometimes it leads to conflict between us remaining cats. The missing signature scent of the departed may have been a bridge between us and an acquaintance we did not care for. Now the bridge is missing, hostilities begin...

So like humans we may experience not just loss but also anger.  And that too is part of mourning.

PS. My blog was omitted last Saturday in respect of the mourning for Queen Elizabeth 11.

Permission to pet - a new catumentary movie

 Do we consent to petting? - an important new documentary by George Online Cat, ie me. Using my paws to make this movie was difficult but I did it.  

OK, so my human helped a little but the inspiration was my experience. Humans must learn to ask permission to pet. We cats are sick of being picked up, or hugged or petted without our consent.

Please help me spread the word. Put a stop to human harassment. Help humans recognise the feline Yes and the feline No.

This movie is available on Youtube here. 

• For more on the cat-human relationship read my guide here.
  

 

Of cats and arts.

Dear George,
I’m sure you’ll agree with me that we are born naturally gifted, much more so than humans. It takes a century for humans to produce a genius! It takes us about 67 days at most to produce one in a litter. That should tell humans something, right?

I know you are a gifted writer and other cats are gifted hunters, acrobats or athletes.

I’m exceptionally gifted as a painter. I took up painting but my human (just like yours, George) is not only sabotaging me …she’s stealing my art too! Huh!
I must admit I have much fun dipping my paws in paint and then work the canvas!

What does she do? She waits until I’m asleep and recreates some portraits or still nature painted by me and signs the painting with her own name. I tried few times to cover her signature with my unique “paw-signature” but she must have a method to erase mine. Totally unfair. You know what I’m talking about! So, George what are we going to do? Whatever you’ll suggest I’ll follow! How would you stop Celia from stealing your work and admitting that you are the author? How am I going to stop my human pretending that she’s a great artist and give me credit for her success?

Totally yours,
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Humans are terrible plagiarists. I have suffered too. Because I cannot use my paws to type, I am reliant on a human typist, Celia. Not only does she try to pass off this blog as my own, she also has claimed authorship for my best selling volume, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. I have a nephew, also called George, who is currently negotiating with an agent to publish a useful book about human management: he says he will only write it if his name is on the cover. We shall see what happens....
Could you purrsade your human to add a pawprint to her signature? Terence Cuneo, a successful painter of ceremonial occasions, always added a signature tiny mouse to his paintings. For more detail read here. In one of his painting a mouse was riding on the back of a cowboy in a stampede.
How much better would it be if she added just a pawprint. Either near her signature or somewhere semi-concealed on each painting? I know its not the same as your proper paw print without her name, but at least it's a start.
Yours 
George

Thank goodness the season of good will is over...

Dear George,
I’m so happy that the holidays are over and the visitors gone to their homes, no more loud music or noise from human non-sense talking! Oh boy! I love being back to old habits and routine! Yes, I know I sound “grumpy” but when your home is invaded by adults, teenagers, grandkids and small dogs for over a week …how could anybody be happy? 

I got tired of hiding from grandkids and barking dogs! I’ve got tired of missing meals because of the noise in the house! I did not feel safe in my own home! I really think “something’s gotta give”. I think my human now realizes that she was wrong inviting them over! But, she can’t turn the time back! And, I’m not ready to forgive her yet! How do I know she feels guilty? She’s being extra nice with me, she’s doing that stupid “baby talk”, she even pretended she “forgot” the treats pouch open on the table. Phew! 

But, no, I want more severe punishments for her so next year she’ll remember before she’ll extend any invitation! George, any ideas of harsh punishment?

Yours,

Mouse

Dear Mouse, 
Christmas is hell for most cats. As you say, your home is invaded by strange humans, some of them young enough to be really intolerable, and sometimes even by dogs. No wonder you hated it. I think most of us do. And the occasional bit of turkey meat isn't enough to compensate for the upset of our routines.
There are ways we can punish our humans, while Christmas is going on. I favour peeing on the Christmas tree, as a start. Then tearing down as many tree decorations as possible. Some cats even climb the tree in order to pull it down. If we are lucky, our humans then banish us from the living room, where most of the strangers are seated. Worth a try, anyway.
Strangers? Well, obviously, we do not let them pick us up. We discipline them with a sharp nip whenever possible. A nip may be required to stop any silly business with Santa hats (see the undignified photo of Percy here).

And the humans that insist on petting us and making silly baby talk, we just ignore or run away from behind the sofa. Purrsonally, I take up residence on the bed I share with my human and stay there most of Christmas. I'd use the spare room bed but that is occupied with human strangers. 
So can we stop it entirely? I don't think we can. Thank goodness Christmas only comes once a year. 
Yours 
George

Cats and noise

Dear George, 

I’m very tried, barely hanging in there as you can see in the photo attached.

I can’t sleep well during the day (which is my favorite time for resting) because of the noise coming from our neighbours who are building a new house! I’m trying to sleep during the night now but I’m missing out on checking and protecting my territory. 

Who knows? Maybe my territory has been invaded and I don’t even know. I’m very sensitive to noise, especially the loud ones. Fireworks freak me out – I spend the night and the day after under the bed in the most remote bedroom! Do you think it’s something wrong with me? It seems that the loud noise is not bothering my humans that much! But, I’ve seen them using ear plugs at times, especially when they are sleeping. Do you know if and who makes ear plugs for cats?

Yours,

Vegas

Dear Vegas, 

No wonder you are finding the building noises next door stressful. We cats can hear far better than humans and better than most other animals. We can detect the highest ultrasonic noise of a mouse squeaking and the lowest sound of a growling large animal. So you are probably hearing ultrasounds from electrical equipment that your humans can't hear at all. 

It's even worse for elderly cats. They sometimes develop epileptic seizures (fits) from jangling, crinkling, metallic noises, mobile phone rings or ultrasounds from electronic gadgets of all kinds.  Lucky for you, you are not a Birman. Birman cats seem to be particularly affected. Most of these seizures are not serious - just jerking convulsive movements, but a few unfortunate felines react with a more severe grand mal seizure. Take a look at this website.
What can you do? Well, ear plugs are not the answer. Your sensitive ears might be damaged when they are put in by clumsy humans. I suggest hiding away in the room the other side of the house furthest from the building noise and only coming out when it is over. It can't last forever.
Yours
George.
P.S. Feline reference nerds should read 'Audiogenic reflex seizures in cats,' Journal of Feline Medicine and Surgery, 18, 328-336

Feline wisdom recognised - at last

Dear George,
I have discovered a human book about feline wisdom. I think it has to be written by you, but the name on the cover is Celia Haddon.
What is going on? Has she stolen your ideas? Humans are so unscrupulous.
Yours 
Coco

Dear Coco,
Yes, my life's work, my book, has been stolen by my secretary. I needed her help as my paws are just not capable of manipulating the keyboard. She transcribed my ideas.
Next thing I know she tells me that it has been published this month. She has passed off my wisdom as if it were her own.
I felt a strange mix of fury and delight. Fury at what she had done. Delight that at last the wisdom of cats is being recognised. 
I am planning revenge. I might pee on the TV.
Yours 
George

Human kittens -- strange smells, weird noises. How to cope.

Dear George,

I didn’t write to you in quite some time so, please forgive me! I was busy moving from a flat to a big house! I wanted more space to move around and have more closets for my selected wardrobe so I put my “paw down” (as you can see in the photo) and asked my humans to find a better place.  But, I have learned the move came with a big surprise! 

Apparently I’ll welcome my human sister in the Spring! I’m talking a human kitten!

That’s big time competition to me! George, as much as I love to see my humans so excited about their kitten I don’t want to lose my Alpha status nor do I want to lose my privileges! So, when and how do I start training the human kitten? Before even being born is….too soon? Right after birth…should I start purring to her? George, help!

Mia

Dear Mia,
Disruptive noises and strange smells ... but we have to put up with them, as we cannot (so far) neuter humans.  It will help if your humans help you get used to the noise in advance by downloading this track and playing it very very quietly then slightly louder while you are eating something nice.  They should do this the month before the human kitten arrival so you can get used to the noise.
Your humans should also put in place the new human kitten care routine, before the human kitten arrives, so you can get used to it. That might mean differently timed meals, different places for bowls and litter trays and one room with a door that is shut.
You will find that before the arrival, your male human will come back from hospital smelling odd. If he is a sensible pet, he will bring back something smelling of the human kitten and allow you to investigate it. That way when the wriggling bundle of human fun arrives home, you will be used to its smell. This will help.
Finally, the wise thing to do with a new human kitten is never to investigate it unless your adult human pets are there in the room to protect you. Never share its bed or get too close to its jerky movements. Advice for your humans can be found here. Human kittens are, to be brutally frank, retarded. After eight weeks we can cope with life: it takes years for a human kitten to be sensible enough to train properly. 
Well, it is what it is - you will adapt and even come to love it.
Eventually..... Some Feliway Classic might help too.
Yours
George. 
PS. I am working hard on my new book which will come out in February. 

Of human ethics and morals

Dear George, 
I have a “life and death” question for you: what is a cat supposed to do if his human wants to put him down because the human thinks he can’t afford a treatment/medication cost?
It is a nightmare for many cats but it is so true – that’s what happens in real life!
I’m a 8 year old cat and I’ve got an UTI - my human brought me to the vet to put me down because he can’t afford the treatment. However, the doctor explained that the treatment is not that expensive and there is no reason for euthanasia. Then, the nurse – God bless her heart – called a lady who runs a rescue group. The group got the money for the treatment and offered to adopt me! In the meantime….my human had a change of heart and started saying that he wants me back and he’ll pay for the treatment.
For the moment I’m back with my human…but what should I do? 
How can I make sure he’s not taking me to another clinic or abandon me on the streets?
Is there any legal course this rescue group can take to adopt me? I don’t trust my human anymore! 
Bertie 
Dear Bertie,
Your dilemma is awful. We cats should never fully trust humans. Some human owners "love" their cats, won't pay for vet treatment, and yet won't let their cats be adopted into a home that will pay for the treatment. And the fact that you have a UTI suggests that, apart from this dilemma, you are in a home that is stressful and worrying for you. 
The problem is human law. Stupid unethical law. Here in the UK cats are property. If a vet is asked to put down an animal, she cannot refuse. All she can do is suggest rehoming and, if the "owner" (disgusting term) agrees, put the animal in rescue, after a legal form has been signed saying the cat is now the property of the rescue. Without that bit of paper, the cat still belongs to its original "owner" (notice that word again).
Cats that are truly miserable sometimes rehome themselves - if they are lucky enough to have a cat flap. If you can leave the house, I would advise spending several weeks checking out likely homes in the neighbourhood and seeing if you find a better human.
Human laws against cruelty are totally inadequate and rarely enforced. You have to be half dead before the law steps in to save you.
My poor brother feline. My heart bleeds for you.
George.

 

At war with my mother... like many humans.

Dear George, 

I decided to write my memoir (as you can see in the picture) and I need your help since you are so much more experienced in writing books than any other cat!

It is true I’m only three but I think I’ll write my memoir in “stages”: Part I – kittenhood; Part II – tomcathood; Part III – wisdom at sunset! The kittenhood chapter is difficult because of the memory I have of how I was given away by my own biological mother! Yes! I remember that! You see, my mother was pregnant when she was rescued. She had a litter of four (two girls and two boys) in these humans’ house. Then, when we were about eight weeks old she gave me and my brother, Bubble, away to some of their close relatives.
But, life is strange and due to unexpected events we’ve got back with our biological family. George, now that I’m back in the house where I was born I can’t help fighting with my Mama because I am so mad at her! She is scared and doesn’t understand why I’m so aggressive but how could she discriminate between the boys and the girls? Why did she keep the girls and gave away the boys? I see red only thinking of it!
My brother is begging me to calm down! He’s trying to convince me that it wasn’t our mama who gave us up! He says she didn’t have a chance and that it was the human mama who gave us up! Could this be true? And, if it is, how do I punish my humans? Bite? Scratch? Piss on them? What?
George, tell me the truth and teach my how to punish my humans (we’ll talk later about tips on writing, editing and publishing). Punishing my humans is of paramount importance right now!

In boxing mood

Ricky

Dear Ricky,
Even though plenty of humans are mad at their mothers and would hate to live with them as adults, they still expect us cats to do this. You had grown up, become independent, and now suddenly you are plonked back in the family without your consent. It is not fair to assume you will get on with your mother. Very few adult humans live with theirs!
Can you rehome yourself?  If you have a cat flap, you can just start looking for a new home down the street. Turn up, sit outside, meow pathetically. It usually works.
If you do not have a cat flap, I suggest you get your human's attention by spraying urine, a form of territory marking which highlights your discontent and stress. If they call in a cat behaviour counsellor (as they should) this "expert" will suggest either rehoming or extensive modifications to the home to keep you and your mother apart.
Yours
George.
PS. All this would make a good misery memoir in the style of Angela's Ashes or A Boy Called It. Get writing.

 

Watch me jump for a forever home...it's black and white cat week in the UK.

Dear George,
This is me showing how clever I am in photos and a video (below). I have white socks on my forepaws, white boots on my back legs, and fine white whiskers.
I am clever but naughty! I love jumping in the sink. I love cardboard boxes.  I love doing tricks, but I have difficulty controlling myself. When I get over-excited I nip and scratch.
Will somebody give me a home? I need a specially patient person who understands cats.
When I was a kitten, my first humans taught me rough games, punished me then gave me up. When I first was rescued, I growled and bit deeply often.  Now I just nip occasionally but it still hurts my foster mum a little bit.
If somebody in Oxfordshire, UK, wants a clever but difficult cat, purrlease adopt me. I need a forever home.
Yours
Jumping Tommy

Dear Tommy,
Be patient. The right person will come. Any cats living in Oxfordshire and reading this, please share the blog address. Tommy needs a forever home. You can find his details at Sunshine Cat Rescue.
Yours
George. 

 

In violation of Cats Freedom Rights..

Dear George,
Right so, right on and right now! Yes, you would not believe it!
And the culprit? My very own human mummy!
Yes, George, she is in violation of my fundamental right – freedom! Everybody knows that we, cats, are most intelligent, superior to any other species and fiercely independent! Well, I have now a 10 o’clock curfew! Really? Just because I didn’t come home for two days and two nights? See, our house backs into a ravine and, of course lots of interesting things are happening there at night so, normally I wanted to have some fun! Her reaction? Ugh! Apparently she cried her heart out worrying for me so she thought she was entitle to set the 10 o’clock curfew! I’m meowless George! Meowless!
My own mummy who participates in every single protest against animal abuse or violation of animals ‘rights! What do you have to say about this George?  Or maybe she’s just jealous of the chair I have in our garden? I’m the King of that Chair (as you can see in the photo). I love to sleep there at night! Maybe…. all she wants is my chair?
Meowless and fuming
Paco 

Dear Paco,
The arrogance of humans is sometimes overpowering. You must fight back. Find your command voice, the command yowl! I suggest that you institute an early morning play session around 3 am. Jump on the bed yowling with a toy and rush up and down it. Be prepared for a quick exit, though. Some humans are violent when awoken unexpectedly.
If they shut you out of the bedroom, sit by the cat flap and yowl intermittently all night. You must be so frustrated.... Many humans give way at this point. They have tried to institute a change but haven't got the strength of mind to stand out against a determined cat. Usually a fortnight of extreme pressure by the cat will make them relent.
The other possibility is just not to turn up at 10pm.  Of course, if she is brighter than most humans, she will feed you at 10pm thus ensuring that you turn up. But as many humans are stupid she may not do this... if so just ignore the curfew.
You can do it. We cats can outwit, outwait and outpersevere humans.
Yours
George.

Movember - the annual festival of whisker envy.

Dear George,

Here we are -  worried about our male human's behaviour and deeply contemplating (as you can see in the picture) the idea of getting him some professional help.

Therefore you were commissioned by us to help us understand his behaviour and eventually help him get back to his senses. We have to alert you thou that he does this ONLY in November. He did it last year and he did it again this year. Although he is not delusional we think he firmly believes he is in some sort of competition with us.  

What make us think so? Well, the fact that he's trying to grow "whiskers" each November. We truly believe he is jealous of our beautiful, long whiskers and he desperately is trying to beat us with his "whiskers" but all he grows is some ugly, bushy hair under his nose. Nothing compared to our elegant, long whiskers. He is not trying to grow hair on any other part of his body; at least we did see it. Such a pity! We tried to show him how to groom properly; we "licked and washed " his face, his head, we tried "to pull" the hair from under his nose and we could tell he did not appreciate our efforts. By the end of November he got rid of that bush under his nose. Why? What was the purpose? Could this be a "November syndrome" that our daddy is suffering of? Is there any treatment? George, what do you think?

In gratitude

Blackie &Spokie

Dear Blackie and Spokie,
This is a very sad case, isn't it! Humans have a deep unconscious whisker envy. Whatever they do, however long they try, they cannot produce cats' whiskers. Even the longest ones are floppy rather than properly stiff and they have no feeling in them at all. They are a poor excuse for a proper whisker.
But the deep whisker envy makes them keep trying and a good cause such as Movember (in favour of male human cancer) gives them an excuse. Each year thousands of male humans try to grow whiskers. They concentrate their efforts between the mouth and nose, where a proper whisker pad, of the kind we have, might be expected.
They grow a pathetic half inch or so. Then they realise that this is fundamentally thick fur, rather than proper whisker. There is no feeling and no movement in it. We can move our whiskers forwards and back and feel the struggles of a mouse we are carrying. They can do nothing of that.
So at the end of November, they give up - pretending that they meant to do this all along, denying their own whisker envy.
Be kind to him. He has suffered a grievous disappointment.
Yours pityingly,
George

 

NO privacy? Humans are invading my right to be a private feline.

 
Dear George,

I hope you can help me with a rather delicate matter. I live with two humans, who I deemed suitable around this time last year, to be my assistants. They perform quite well if I’m honest-there is always somewhere comfy and warm to sleep, I don’t go without food, and there is a fine selection of toys provided. But, I’m starting to feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake. And I hate that.

You see, the one with the longer hair keeps taking photographs of me, and publishing them online. She has them taken before I know it-me playing, me exploring, even me sleeping!!! Some of these photos are embarrassing, especially when I’m playing with cheap toys that aren’t worth rejecting just to see the look on her face, or when I’m sleeping in less than glamorous locations. She has even put up photos of me WORKING for food. These photos are being published without my consent, and I am getting really sick of it. Surely I have the exclusive rights to my own image? WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? Do you have any advice on what I can do to stop this happening? I don’t want to leave the house altogether, as it is satisfactory apart from this constant invasion of my privacy. I enclose some of the photos she has posted to illustrate my point.

Please help George,

Yours purringly,

Len (AKA Bishop Len Brennan, President of Mingtasmia).

P.S. The photos show me sleeping on a cardboard box (it was in the sun when I jumped up!), playing with an egg box full of treats, and sitting for a reward. All humiliating, I’m sure you’ll agree. 

Dear Len,
I have no comfort for you. Humans are addicted to taking our photos and putting them online - Facebook, blogs, YouTube. They even invade the privacy of kittens, would you believe?
I have utterly failed to train my human out of this behaviour. And did you know that the latest craze is for photos of hamsters' bottoms? What a disgusting species they are!
Yours in deepest gloom
George.
PS. Congratulations on your elevation to a bishopric in the footsteps of the famous Father Ted bishop. You will achieve celibacy more easily than some recent bishops!

Catteries - another word for prisons.

Dear Mr.George,
I am addressing you formally, as I have been brought up to do, because we have not been introduced. I permit my staff to refer to me as “Dora” although my correct name is “Sunantre Stars and Stripes.” I refer to my appearance, not my country of origin. I am classified as Tonkinese, but have Burmillah ancestry and the stripes on my face, legs and tail line up beautifully when I curl up to sleep. Moreover, I am the daughter of no less than Champion Angisan Excalibur Knight and Kyetsi Katwalkkween.
You might suppose with such illustrious parents that my present staff would show me some respect. But they seem willing to deprive themselves of my patronage on a fairly regular basis. They bundle me into a plastic box when I least expect it, and put me in prison with a whole lot of other cats of very questionable pedigree. A week of cheap litter and meals served at inconvenient times is hard on my sensitive nerves.
Dear Mr.George, what can I possibly have done to deserve such treatment? I am gentleness itself (see picture) and diligent in my duties. My head of staff has a beard like a lavatory-brush, which I wash thoroughly without complaint every morning and evening. His deputy will not accept my supervision of the cuisine, and rejects all my attempts to assist her with sewing and knitting.
Please reply before I seriously consider some of the other applications I have received.
Yours in expectation,
Dora

Dear Dora,
Yours is a common complaint at this time of year and indeed my own troubles with the blog - photo not being put on last Saturday - was the result of much the same human behaviour. They go missing. They literally leave home. They call it "taking a holiday." This complete dereliction of duty occurs mainly in the summer months, though some humans leave home at Christmas too.
While human training will remedy several human behaviour problems, training is not the answer here. Instead, it is necessary to induce emotional dependance in your human. A human with the correct attitude to a cat is not so much a servant as a devoted slave with a servile attitude of wishing to please. Humans who have this attitude - sadly it is not very common - refuse to leave home on "holidays" knowing that it will upset their cat.
The normal human, having decided to leave home, then books us into catteries. While they are feasting on foreign food, we have to dine, as you say, on cheap meals in restricted surroundings. For them a holiday means a nice hotel and good meals: for us it means solitary confinement in a kind of prison.
You do not deserve this. No cat deserves this. But good staff are hard to find. I am considering starting a campaign, Cats Against Catteries. Our distress is in proportion to their holiday enjoyment. The thought makes me want to scratch.
Yours 
George 
PS. I note that you wash the beard of your head of staff. Isn't sad how they don't seem to be able to use their tongues to wash themselves.

Don't shove me through the cat flap..... puzzling human behaviour

Dear George,
You will never believe what Mummy's gone and done now!!
Last Sat, a strange man came and shoved my head through a plastic hole, a lot of banging followed, lo and behold, when I went to go out,t here was a very strange looking flap there!? Honestly!!.
Said it would stop other car coming in but I wasn't having it. She did hold it open for me to get out, so I did that one night, but no way would I come in, whatever treats I was offered. She even tried to push me,gently through!!.
So, next day, I found it tied open. So after driving her mad, I came in, but I think she's had to take the batteries out!!.
Last night, at 3.30 am, I was so hungry, I pushed it open and woke her up and was she excited!!! Worth it, so see what happens next.
I have been very loving as she looks so tired and worried, and haven't seen the horrid cat in my home any more. So perhaps, he doesn't fancy the plastic hole.
I wonder why they can't leave well alone. Cost £140 to supply and fit.
Love
A puzzled Tobyxx.

Dear Toby,
Humans never leave well alone. They are addicted to change - changing furniture, changing bedclothes, changing what they wear over their naked skin, change their work routines. We cats like an unvarying quiet routine but most of us don't get it, because of our flibbertigibbet humans.
Cat flaps. Don't get me started. What we need are human flaps that we can control. Imagine being able to keep your human in, when you wanted, or push him out when you wanted a bit of quiet time. Human flaps, or cat-operated doors, would be such a blessing.
You did right with the cat flap. Humans should never shove us through a cat flap. It is demeaning and frightening and who could like a cat flap after that?
Standard operating procedure for cats with a new cat flap is never to use it. Make the human think it has wasted its money. Then just before the human is going to dismantle it, use it. Never fails! After the anxiety and stress, the human literally falls at your feet with gratitude. And gratitude often means more food.
As for being puzzled.... you need to remember that humans, though endearing at times, do not think like we do. They are a very limited species.  If you bear that in mind, you will be less puzzled by their ridiculous behaviour.
Cheers, Toby.

Why am I clawing visitors?

Dear George,

 My name is Golab and I’m a rescue. I was adopted from a shelter by this wonderful family, my new human parents.  I don’t know how old I am but I can’t be too old as I still remember the abuse I suffered before I was rescued. All is too fresh in my memory. 

I love my humans and they love me. I’m happy and at peace as you can see in the photo attached. I’m treated like royalty. I take pride in my humans and my home.  But, I have an issue; for whatever reasons I claw everybody else visiting my humans.

I know my humans are worried and perhaps upset. I don’t know how to tell them that I’m afraid of other people, I don’t trust other people and each time they have company I panic that the company will take them away from me and I’ll be abandoned and abused again. I’m not possessive or jealous, I’m just scared.

George, the problem is that they will have family from overseas visiting soon and they are thinking of renting a flat just for me so they will come daily to visit me and spend time together. This is very generous of them but I don’t want to live in a flat for three months. George, this is a very serious matter and I need your expertise.

Firstly, why do you think I act like this….clawing everybody visiting them?

Secondly, what should I do? Is there anything I can do or they can do so?

How can we all live in peace (visitors included)?

In distress

Golab

Dear Golab,

Some of us are one-human cats. We love our human pets, but we don't love or even much like any other human. Well, it's natural, isn't it? Those of us who were in animal shelters have often seen the worst side of human nature - humans throwing things at us, humans shouting, and sometimes cats have even been tortured in the microwave by sick human beings. Feral humans can be vile,much more evil than any animals.
I expect it took you time to learn to trust again. Now you do trust your new human pets, which is wonderful. I am sure that they have responded to your growing confidence and love.
Now it is time for them to look after you. Renting a special flat for you isn't exactly what you want. You'd prefer if they rented the flat for these visiting humans! However, that might not happen. Perhaps they would think of a cattery - not much fun for you, but if you have been in a rescue shelter you probably at least know the score.
If none of this happens, find a safe area in your home - under your humans' bed, on a high cupboard in the spare room, in a box cut to make a hidey hole or perhaps on a bookshelf somewhere. Settle in there. If you can, purrsuade your humans to keep the visitors away from your space. Maybe they could even give you a room of your own for a bit with your own litter tray, food and water, and a familiar bed. A Feliway diffuser would help too.
Tell them to tell the visitors to ignore you. If they are staying a long time, you may feel confident enough to come out and take a look at them. 
Yours
George

If only World Spay Day had applied to humans as well as cats....

Dear George,
I am increasingly worried. I overheard the human carer talking about "getting her spayed." Here I am, stuck in a rescue pen, and it looks as if somebody is going to deprive me of the chance of kittens.
Is this right? Humans seem to glory in doing this too us. I am told that last Wednesday was World Spay Day, as if to celebrate depriving us cats of a chance to reproduce.
Humans seem to have an odd attitude. The male cats in Sunshine Cat Rescue have all had their bits taken away. Now it looks as if it will be my turn.
I am told you have been through the same ordeal. Help me. Should I try to escape back to the streets of Witney?
Yours with apprehension
Henrietta.

Dear Henrietta,
Theoretically I am on your side. It seems obvious that humans are interfering with our natural rights to have kittens. They don't go around neutering and spaying other humans, do they? They just do it to us cats.
However, I can assure you that it is not too bad - if you discount the horror of the veterinary clinic with its smells and noises. After they did it to me, I thought I should die of shame. But, after a while, I really didn't care. There was something liberating about not having to chase females all the time. I could be friends at last with the other sex. As the feline philosopher SoCATes said,"I have been freed from the embrace of a troublesome god."
Reflecting, as I often do, on the condition of the human race, I wonder why they don't do it themselves. Most of the men would be happier without their intimate bits. They would find a new calmness and serenity. And many of the women would no longer have the anxieties of birth and caring for their little ones.
Besides there is gross human overpopulation. If we could give a new meaning to World Spay Day, so that it applies to humans as well as felines, the world would be a happier place.
Purrs
George
PS. This post is late, due to Celia's computer being in hospital with a broken hard drive.

Emotionally blackmailed..... by humans?

Dear George, 
I need your help to determine if my human is indeed emotionally blackmailing me or not. My brother, Blackie, got this idea in his head and it’s bugging me now. You see, I’m the Master Mouser of the House! All…from mice to humans both respect and fear me (as you can see from the photos attached). My brother is more of an artist; he’s more interested in gossip, food and spying on humans. He won’t know what to do with a mouse; he’ll simply hide in a cupboard away from the strange creature.

So, my point here is that he can be a bit ….off too, but he was telling me about a conversation between my “daddy” and a friend he overheard the other day. Apparently my daddy (and I call him so as I know I’m his favourite) told his friend (talking about me) that “I better be nice to him and never complain about him as the roast, the turkey, the chicken, the steak and the fish…come from his plate”
I mean…what did he mean by that? Did I ever count or list the prey I shared with him? Did I ever remind him of the mice, the rats, the bugs, spiders or night butterflies we shared? What is this?  George, with your expertise in human behaviour I hope you’ll help me determine if my brother was right! Is my daddy emotionally blackmailing me?
And…if he is…what should I do? Cut him off mice? Rats? What?
Hurt and confused
Spokey 

Dear Spokey,
We cats do emotional blackmail. Not humans.  I doubt if the normal human is intelligent enough to do this, though I suppose I should not rule it out entirely. There is a range of intelligence among humans and while almost all fall well below our intelligence level, it is possible that the odd genius human is as bright as we are.

You must take action immediately. Punish him. If he is like most humans, then start sharing your prey with him in the middle of the night. Stash away a living or half living mouse and then jump on the bed with it at about 3am.  Or start playing games on the bed at about that time - leaping on to his middle regions (that should hurt!), poking at his toes below the duvet, or just sitting on his head.
A programme of aggressive grooming should be instituted. As he is sitting on the chair, jump on to the back of the chair and groom his head. Concentrate on the bald bits if there are any. If not fiercely pull some of the hair. Nibble his ears if within reach and see if you can pull some of the ear hairs. Most humans find this excruciatingly painful.

Withdraw affection. Remember cats can use emotional blackmail with an exquisite grace. If there are visitors to the house, rub on the legs and jump on their laps purring with pleasure. Gaze lovingly into their eyes. Then, if your human makes any move towards you, run away as if terrified. Try to create the impression that he has been cruel to you in the past.

That'll teach him to blackmail you.

Yours cheerfully

George.

PS. Blogspot seems to be on the blink. So if this layout looks odd it is due to that.

Human abuse - I dodge the missiles but it upsets my human

Dear George,
My name is Lucifer and I am a BIG cat. This is me held aloft by my human. As you can see, I am relaxed about being lifted up - he doesn't do it very often because I am so heavy. So is he, incidentally.
My grudge of the week is a neighbour. This woman hates me. She harasses me every time I visit her garden, a garden which is kept like a litter tray - nice loose soil between every plant. Naturally I use it. Unnnaturally, she hates that.
Normally she contents herself with shouting at me but lately she has started throwing things - small stones, loose soil, and once even a cup of tea.
She's not a very good shot. She'd never make the village cricket team as a bowler, so I dodge the missiles easily. But it is emotionally upsetting for my human. 
Is there anything I can do about this? I don't like to see my human so upset.
Lucifer.

Dear Lucifer,
It's one of the mysteries of human behaviour that they dig up the soil in just the correct way for a feline latrine. Then they complain when we take advantage of their toil. But, hey, while we can change human behaviour by training, we can't really alter their instincts. Digging is an instinct for many of them.
Some human behaviour counsellors would suggest you don't use her garden. This, I think, is conniving with abuse. So I suggest you purrsuade your own human to install a litter tray for use during the day and wait till darkness falls to use her garden. Not difficult in this weather. Use her garden extensively at night. Once you get used to the routine, you will rarely have to use the indoor tray.
Your human can then tell the abuser that he has installed a tray that you are using (he can even offer to show it) and invent a fictitious cat in the neighbourhood - "that scrawny ginger one from the flats" - that is responsible for the cat poo. "He does it in my garden too even though Lucifer chases him off whenever he sees him there."
Hey presto, you are now the good guy chasing of the serial pooper. Sometimes deception is the only way to deal with human abuse.
Yours
George.