We cats dread Christmas....

 

My idiotic relative Percy likes Christmas

There may be some cats that enjoy Christmas, but I don't. And  almost all the cats I am acquainted with simply loathe it. Except for Percy on the left.

 The only good thing about Christmas is the turkey. There is usually a lot left over at the end of the day, so I might get some as a treat.

Otherwise it is a nightmare of humans - babies, toddlers (ugh!), harassed adults. Young children may even try to "dress" me.

Strangers invade the house. They ruin the family scent that I have carefully created by rubbing against my normal human and the furniture.

They smell wrong, wrong, wrong... Worse still, some of them smell of dog. And worst of all, sometimes they bring a dog into my home.

Some of the humans get drunk too. That makes them vocalise loudly and sometimes leads to a vocal fight among the relatives. It is a grim time.

What can a self-respecting cat do? Well I retire to the spare bedroom (if it is unoccupied) or loaf around on my human's bed. 

I suppose I should be grateful that I am not put into a cattery. Some of my feline friends languish in solitary confinement while their humans go for a holiday.

Christmas is coming.... and I dread it.

Yum, yum....

 I have decided to apply for a job in a Chinese pet food laboratory - as a taster. These humans have been testing what flavours we like best using chicken liver spray.

Now chicken liver - or other liver - is what I like almost best in the world, though my human says that it is toxic if I eat too much of it too often. Just a tiny taste is all that I should have.

But purrhaps if I was in that laboratory I would get much more of it....

So what were their findings? Only what we cats know very well indeed. We don't like sweet. We don't even taste sweet. We like savory or unami (as they call it.) The meatier the taste the more we like it.

That's why we have to train our humans to buy us the most expensive cat food - expensive because there is more real meat in it and less carbs.

And while I mention this, it's amazing that I can successfully train my human in this way. I don't have to go to the supermarket with her. She just does what I have told her to do

even though I am not there to make her do it. This is long distance training... we are experts at this.

Want to brush up on training techniques? Read my book, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. Buy it here. It really works.

Crazy cat men?

Men don't diet themselves or us

We cats are not misogynistic. We don't much care whether are our pets are male or female - though sometimes I have wished that both could be neutered. Humans would be so much easier to control, if they were without romantic interests.

For years male humans have sneered at women for loving cats too much. Now the tables are turned in the UK. More men than women are adopting cats from Cats Protection!

Is this good news for cats? I think it is. Male humans have larger laps than women so we can really stretch out. They will spend hours watching sport on TV giving us plenty of lap time.

Male humans often earn more money than women, so we can probably get more expensive food. But they usually don't diet themselves... or us!

Their bodies smell differently from female humans' bodies, but nowadays they are just as likely to use scents: so that's not a problem.

Disadvantages? Well, it is said that human males are more difficult to train than human females. This is not true. The advantage of training males is that they have no idea that they are being trained (ask any human female!).

It's important only to use reward methods of training for human males, as they are more likely to injure us if we nip or claw them. They don't mean to. It is just male lack of impulse control.

So careful training must start immediately using rewards like loud purring, kneading (avoid tender male body areas),  plaintive meows near food, and generally charming behaviour.

Human males are putty in our paws...

 

Signs that I am stressed - the tongue flick

 When I am stressed, I lick my nose - a quick flick of the tongue upwards. This is another example of our body language that humans cannot seem notice. They are very unobservant.

It's not the licking of lips, when I am finishing up a meal. When I lick my lips after a meal, I do several licks in succession or my tongue goes right round my mouth into the sides of the mouth to pick up any food fragments that have been left behind.

This kind of mouth licking takes much longer and is more thorough. The stress tongue flick is a single flicking move and quick. So quick that humans usually miss it. So quick that it only takes about two seconds or even less.

If you have a really good human pet, they will learn about the quick tongue flick. They will begin to notice it. And they will be on the way to understanding  you.

I am not a vegan....

 

Stupid, stupid humans! A ridiculous bit of "scientific" research says cats are healthier on a vegan diet... though the statistics themselves say nothing of the kind.

We are not vegans. We are carnivores. We have to eat meat to stay healthy. What is more we are totally carnivorous - obligate carnivores. Unlike humans who are omnivores and can live on a vegan diet as long as they take supplements.

What do we cats have to do to make humans stop being so silly. We need meat. We enjoy meat. Food matters to us. We will slowly sicken and die if we don't get what our body needs.

Humans, don't believe that nonsense. Feed us proper cat food, which will include meat as protein. And feed us the food that comes from respectable providers, not some jumped-up firm importing bad stuff from China.

If you don't believe me, ask a vet. 

This is a reliable blog. Some are not. Let's say it one more time....

CATS ARE NOT VEGANS.

The way cats live in Serbia

 

My human has come back with information about the lifestyle of a Serbian cat named Radosh. He has what humans (idiots that they are) call an "owner," Darko.

Radosh's life is completely different from mine. I am kept indoors all the time and fussed over by my human. Radosh leads an extraordinarily free life.

Indeed,Darko, unlike my human, does not interfere in Radosh's life very much, except to feed him when he turns up. 

Radosh has never had the operation that changed me into a home-loving cat! He has all his bits.

In winter Radosh disappears completely. Last summer he turned up again fat and healthy but the summer before he turned up looking thin and not very well. 

Where had he been? It remains a mystery.

Darko has not the slightest idea. 

Is Radosh like an unfaithful human husband, two-timing Darko with another human? Purrhaps.

In the mountains of the Balkan nation of Serbia, cats live differently, apparently, from the way we cats in the UK live now.

I think we have a better lifestyle but we do miss out on adventure, hunting and love.

Me and food

 I like my food - regular portions delivered at the right time of day by my human. In an ideal world, each portion would be about the size of a small rodent and it would be delivered about six times a day.

That is how I would eat in the wild. I would have to hunt for each meal and many of my hunting attempts, at least half, would be unsuccessful. So to get six rodents, I should need to patrol, find the prey, and steady myself then launch a pounce at least 12 times a day.

That's  a lot of effort with space and patrolling between each hunting effort. So the timing of my meals would be one small meal, then a gap, then another.

That's not how I am fed. My owner puts down food for me usually twice a day, before she leaves the house and when she comes back. She used to leave unlimited dry food so I could snack as often as I liked, but I got too fat.

So, she puts the food down, usually an envelope. Then I eat some of it and leave about half. I often then ask for more even though there is half the food uneaten.

This irritates her. Even when I eat most of the food, I leave a little bit. 

"Why do you always leave something for Mr Manners," she asks rhetorically. 

I just smirk and meow for a new envelope.

 

I think therefore I purr

Human scientists have had the audacity (and stupidity) to say that cats don't think. That we are mindless beings just driven by instinct  and unable to solve problems.

Sometimes it is difficult to grasp the full stupidity of the human mind!

Of course we think. We learn, don't we? We learn how to hunt rabbits. We learn that if we wind ourselves round the human legs and purr loudly, we may get a treat.

We learn to avoid the neighbour's horrible yapping dog. And we work out how to sneak into the cat flap four doors down, where the owner provides ad lib food for their own cat - which we then steal. 

We learn to recognise the name that a human gives us. When they call us, we turn our heads to see why - if we are not too busy. Sometimes, just sometimes, we even come when called.

Do we think? Of course we do. And it humans thought a little better than they do, they'd know that.

 

Humans feed us in the wrong wayl

 

 

Boomer has to search for his food - and it's fun

• Humans give us food in a bowl. It's boring. Why don't they give us fun hunting out food hidden round the house?
• Humans sometimes make us share a single food bowl with another cat. It's stressful. We cats prefer to eat alone.
• Humans think it is cute if we have to eat our food in a line of bowls close to each other. It's unnatural for us and stressful. 
• Humans often feed us twice a day with large portions. That's unnatural for us too. We would like 5-20 little nibbles a day.
• Humans think fat cats are funny. We suffer from arthritis and diabetes if we get too fat. 

Humans should wise up about what cats want.

If I eat his, he can eat mine

Post breakfast nap. Toby has eaten her breakfast: she has eaten his.

 Food the other guy has always tastes better. Or so I am told by cats that live together. (I am lucky enough not to have to share my human pet with another cat.)

This gets complicated when cats have a special diet - as many of us now do at vast human expense. Take Tilly and Toby for instance. Tilly is on a special renal diet to delay kidney problems; Toby, who has a delicate stomach, is on a special easily digested diet.

Their bowls are in seperate locations. To begin with. What normally happens is that Toby stops eating his food and wanders off to Tilly's food. She stops eating her food and wanders off to his food.

So Toby eats renal food and Tilly eats a specially digestible diet. 

This is a good way to test human emotional composure before a coffee addict has had the first cup..... try it. Another good human tease.

Fat cat shaming.....

 "Fat cats" is a human insult towards other humans that are paid too much. That phrase has unfortunately been used in connection with my own shape. Inaccurate, because my boxy shape is just the fact that I am a pedigree British type.

Obesity - not just a bit of chubbiness - is a common problem for cats (and humans). Particularly those of us who live indoors and are not allowed out to go hunting and killing. There just isn't much to do except eat.

My friend, Boomer, pictured above was such a cat His human suffered from Alzheimers and couldn't remember if she had fed him or not. So Boomer ate many meals every day. 

He finally had to go on a diet. The vet prescribed a diet food that was weighed out every day and he got nothing extra. What he did get, however, was the fun of "hunting" it. Nothing was put in a bowl: it was scattered over the floor or put in a food dispenser.

He had to get his food from home made dispensers - a tennis ball with a hole cut in it, pizza package with wholes, a cardboard pill container with the food just put inside, a large box which he had to jump inside, the windowsill so he had to jump up to it, a plastic water bottle with holes in it and lavatory rolls with holes.

He frequently asked for more food and his requests were not ignored. Instead, he was offered games with fishing rod toys. 

His before photo is at the top of this blog: his after photo at the bottom. There are more photos at www.catexpert.co.uk under the heading of "Indoor only cats."

Are you suffering from whisker fatigue?

 

It's not generally known but we cats can suffer from whisker fatique. These wonderful strong hairs (so much more mobile and sensitive than the human beard) take important messages to the brain. And if they are over-stimulated they get tired.

Tired of what? Tired of being pushed out of place each time we eat or drink. In the real world this rarely happens. While we are drinking from a stream or a puddle our whiskers are not confined. When we are eating a mouse, we move the whiskers to where we want them to be - backwards if they are getting in the way of crunching up the rodent or forward to monitor its movement if our meal is still wriggling.

Humans don't get this at all. So they purrsist in putting our food in high sided bowls. We have to push our faces down to eat, and our whiskers are twanging and brushing against the side of the bowl. The same thing happens with bowls of water particularly if the water level is low.

Sensitive cats with sensitive whiskers dislike this. Does whisker fatique hurt us? Not normally, but it is unpleasant and sometimes even stressful.

So get your humans to give you shallow food bowls and water bowls large enough for our whiskers not to touch the sides. There is a vet article about this here.

Enough! Get out of my space, humans.

I have had enough of humans... As doorflap pets, they are delightful. As indoor-only pets they are a pest. Attention seeking all the time! 
I have my routine. After breakfast, the humans go out and I stroll round the garden before my noon nap. A long one usually and, if possible, in a patch of sunlight on the windowsill.
Round about tea time I begin to feel hungry and, if my human returns in time, I don't have to wait to long for my next meal. Another nap this time on the sofa in front of the TV and then supper before sharing the bed with my humans.
Now this routine has been ruined. They are always at home. In my face a lot of the time. I do not appreciate having my noon time nap interrupted. Nor do I want to nap on their laps. 
True, I now get lunch, but in the afternoon I am never left alone. They want to play fishing rod toys with me. Or brush me. Or just mess me about.
Let sleeping cats lie. Just get out of my space, humans. 

• Read more about human management here. 

Fattism and human hypocrisy.

My friend Boomer liked his grub.

"Fat cats" is a term of insult among humans, when applied to other humans that are rich. And now there is growing "fattism" applied to cats.
Vets are campaigning to slim us down, arguing that obesity isn't good for our health.
But look at the humans all around us. They are huge...not just tall and large but round with gigantic drooping bellies. How can they talk! They should start slimming down and eating less, before they lecture us about it.
It's unfair. It's one rule for cat and one rule for humans. Some of them even restrict our food, weighing out a daily portion. Meanwhile they are gorging on three meals a day, snacks in between, unhealthy crisps, burgers, KFC chicken, chocolate, doughnuts, cake and take away Chinese.
Hypocritical humans! Down with feline fattism.


 

For more on human behaviour read my book here. 

Human presumption and feline punishment....

Naturally the human publishers are anxious to stay on the right side of their best selling feline author. They sent me a package of expensive goodies. Very correct. Very pleasing.
Unfortunately, they did not check in advance about what I would like to eat... They presumed. As humans do.
I felt their presumption needed a punishment.
I gobbled up the expensive wet cat food fast. Then I felt slightly ill.
Then I threw it up on the new carpet.



* For more detail on how to maximise the impact of throwing up order a copy of A Cat's Guide to Humans, here.

Food bowls - what we like and what we don't.

Dear George,

I’m still scratching my head (metaphorically only) to understand why so much fuss about our food and water bowls. I never paid attention to what other cats eat or drink from because I took it for granted that we all eat and drink from stainless steel bowls but certainly this isn’t the case! 
Last night I paid a “welcome to the neighbourhood” visit to my next door kitty and, of course, since she’s the newest on the block I felt like it was my responsibility to check her food, water, surroundings, etc.- you know, just in case that one day I’d like to eat at her place! I’ve seen that she’s eating and drinking from plastic bowls that display little paws and cute kitty faces. 
I run back home to grab my mummy to show her these cute bowls! Oh boy, I still don’t know if that was a good idea since my mummy started lecturing this kitty’s human on the dangers of plastic bowls. She was firing at the poor guy strange names like mold, bacteria, PBA which impairs brain and neurological function, can create cat acne which actually is an allergic reaction and so she went on and on! I hope she didn’t scare the kitty or her human – both seems to be very nice!

George, what do you know about this topic? What bowls are safe for us?

Yours, 

Kitty K

Dear Kitty K,
I feel rather smug. I eat from an eco-bowl made from bamboo - https://www.becopets.com/cat-bowl It works well. I have a strong tongue (see photo of my friend Toby) and I need a stable dish.

Great strong groovy tongue

I don't care much for plastic (though I will eat from it if I must) because it has a smell that I can smell but humans can't. Nor do I like stainless steel because if my clumsy human trips on it or drops it, the noise frightens me. I can also see my reflection in it which can be scary. 
Ceramic is OK - that is what I have for my water bowls. I will also eat from them. They are more stable than plastic. I like more than one water bowl not next to the food bowl. We don't eat and drink at the same time like humans. It's not natural. And I like my bowl to be somewhere where I can eat while looking outwards, not eat looking into a wall. Seems safer that way somehow.
As for cute pictures on bowls, ignore them. They are there to make humans buy the bowl.  If I was choosing a bowl it would smell of mouse!
Yours
George

Feline party time across the pond.

Dear George, 

I don’t know about you but I’m in a party mood as we are ready to start our season of “summer garden parties” here, across the pond! As you can see in the photo attached I have the glasses and silverware ready but I’m having second thoughts about the menu! Should it be “finger food”? Buffet style? Mixed with my humans? They are big on summer parties. I’ve already invited few of my neighbours but I didn’t decide on the menu yet! I’m thinking maybe some lizards, grasshoppers (even if I’m afraid the humans will eat those as there is a real push for it in changing humans’ protein source) and, of course some juicy mice! 

The problem is that there are no mice around! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood and mice are a “no-no” which will make them an absolute delicacy, an ultimate extravagancy on my menu! If I go for having mice on the menu that means I have to stay up few nights in advance and eventually wander off my neighbourhood in search of fresh mice! By the way, do they freeze well? What do you think George? Should I be eccentric and adventurous or should I let my humans cook and then just share their barbecued meats with my friends? Hmm!

Tough decision!

Your advice, please!

Yours….in good party mood

CAT Victoria 

Dear CAT Victoria,

In order to get your humans working properly, the easiest solution would be to share barbecued food of the kind they, not you, are used to. Many of the neighbourhood cats will enjoy stealing a hot sausage off the charcoal and levanting over the garden wall. Or just giving that wonderful feline imploring eye, which induces humans to cut off a bit of meat and hand it over.

Most Western humans are still uneasy at the thought of serving insects, reptiles and rodents - though these are on the human menu elsewhere in the world. Locusts in sugar are sold in the Far East and guinea pigs are enjoyed in South America.

If you must have mice, get your humans to buy these from a pet shop where they sell frozen food for snakes. You can choose from pinkies (no fur), fluffies (just a little fur) and big furry ones. My human once served these to me when I was temporarily anorexic and after defrosting they tasted just as good as the real thing caught in the garden.

Yes, mice freeze very well. But, even if you can stockpile mice bringing them into the kitchen, can you purrsuade your human to freeze them? My human just throws them out even before I can eat them! 

Yours 

George

PS. I have added a photo of my friend Tilly stealing a slice of dry bread.

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Excuse my French, but do cats fart?

Dear George,
I was sitting with my brother Stanley (the tabby in the photo attached) and our human parents watching a movie on Netflix. My Mom made a comment that someone had broken wind….looking towards us, the cats! Well, I thought this was totally disrespectful and discriminatory…under the circumstances! I certainly didn’t! Did Stanley? He meowed “nope”! Then, this left us with the assumption that one of our humans have farted! But…who? Daddy? Mommy? They won’t admit it! What else would you expect from humans? Plead guilty?

No way! However, regardless of who has farted last night…my question to you George is: do cats actually fart? And, if they do….why? What make them pass gas? Could this become a scary health issue?
Yours 
Rocky

Dear Rocky,
We do fart! But we are usually much quieter about it than humans! Indeed many humans never heard a feline fart, even when they have smelled it. With our superior hearing, of course, we can hear the wind being expelled. Very occasionally we do a loud one like this one here on YouTube.
We fart when we have eaten something that doesn't agree with us - cow's milk, other dairy products with lactose, human food, takeaway human meals, cheap pet food with lots of fillers and not much protein, or when we have gobbled down our food so fast that we have taken in air at the same time. Humans, please note, we need higher quality pet food and a place of safety to eat it!
Excessive farting may mean something is wrong, particularly if it is accompanied by a bloated tummy or loose stools. Possible causes are internal parasites like worms or giardia, or gastrointestinal disease. Some cats have food sensitivities and need a special diet.
I hate to say this, because I loathe and detest vets, but excessive gas needs a visit to the vet!
Yours
George

Do cats need to take supplements?

Dear George,
I’m quite worried about my mummy as I believe she fell victim to marketing and advertising promoting supplements and superfoods for pets. Lately she behaves very strange and our kitchen start looking like an apothecary, if you know what I mean!

Little bottles and containers with mysterious stuff inside… on every single counter! When she’s preparing my food she’s like a pharmacist measuring and weighting powders and other things.

I’m damn sure she doesn’t try to poison me but all this it’s very unsettling for me! I heard her saying that I should get more anti-oxidants! Why? I don’t have “oxidants” in my body so why taking “anti” something that I don’t have? The other day I caught her ordering online some “super greens” for me.

Could this be genetically modified cat grass? If that’s what it is….then, no thank you! I would not have that – very damaging to anybody’s health. Our bodies are so much smaller compared to humans’ bodies! It will be devastating! I think she’s watching too many commercials on TV! Definitely she’s following too many holistic veterinarians (not that they are any different than the others…they all smell the same). George, I don’t know what to do about this situation! Do cats really need to take supplements? I need you advice! And, in the meantime I’ll have some “regular”, normal grown cat grass (oats) as you can see in the photo attached.

Chico

Dear Chico,
We cats are carnivores with a digestive system that is designed to eat the bodies of rodents, birds and insects. That means not just their flesh but their innards, their skin, their bones, etc. We probably eat a little green stuff in the rodent gut and we definitely eat grass occasionally.

An all-flesh diet of something like steak doesn't give us everything we need. Nor does an all-vegetable diet. Nor does an all-fish diet. An all-liver diet can kill us with hypervitaminosis. Feeding a home-made diet is complicated.
In the past we cats were fed scraps and milk and fish (those two items used to be cheap) and we supplemented our diet with catching mice and birds. Cats fed odd diets by their owners can still do that, as long as they have a cat flap. But cats that live indoors without a cat flap cannot do that.
So supplements for cats on home-made diets are a good idea. Which ones? Your owner should ask a qualified vet for advice and follow it. It's probably better to choose a well qualified vet and stick to their advice, rather than taking a piece of advice here and another there and maybe getting muddled.  As for TV commercials, Youtube "influencers," pet shops, etc - these are not the right places to get advice. They do not know enough.
You've gone through so much, you need the best, Chico.
Yours
George.

Human obsession with weight....

Dear George,

I'll be very short and to the point. What defines a cat's normal weight?
We know that our standards and values are quite different from our humans’ but, still I think we should have this clearly stated and disclosed – what makes a cat normal, fat, overweight and obese? Some graphics will help as well if you have any (visual had always have a stronger impact). The reason I’m asking your help with this is because my mummy is obsessed with her weight (since she moved over to UK). I don’t know how skinny you are over there but she is already as fat as a toothpick! Is she too fat already?  Is this your norm? Why am I concerned? I’m very much concerned since I’ve heard her saying that I need to be on a diet! Ugh! Give me a break! Am I supposed to eat only “greens” as in this photo? Don’t think so, thank you! George, I personally think I’m normal! I’m OK with my weight! So, please help me as I don’t see myself munching all day long on catnip or greens only! Are these standards universal or do they differ from one continent to another? If they do, then tell me, please, of a continent where people have some meat on their bones so when I knead, I actually feel some soft, fat tissues that make me feel GOOD.

In ounces and pounds

Didina

Dear Didina,
I agree. Fat humans have much warmer squashier laps that a cat can really sink into or have a good satisfying knead.  We don't like thin humans. But it is a good idea for us to get too fat - after all, we want to be healthy.
Here's a great chart about cat weight. Useful for humans who are under or over feeding their cat.

Add caption

We

We don't have to eat greens to lose weight. That is for human omnivores, not us obligate carnivores. There are now plenty of cat foods on sale that help us stay trim. Vets can prescribe specialist foods for that.
But more importantly we need fun and exercise not just smaller bowls of food. In fact bowls are boring. If we get fed in food dispensers, meals take longer, are more fun, and give us some exercise. Ideas for fun food toys can be found here.
Yours
George.