Saturday, September 25, 2010

I need a friend ... j'ai besoin d'un ami

Dear George,

Your blog might be for cats but I kind of like it! Oh, sorry! Let me introduce myself;

my name is Oliver or in French ….Olivier (guess I need an accent aigue somewhere – not sure- just learning French). Recently I moved to Paris (France, of course) with my mommy. She loves my very much but I don’t have too many friends and I get easily bored. When not in Paris, we spend a good amount of time at the farm (near Paris) but I’m not used to village life either. Last week she took me to Louvre. I liked it (I could pee on the pyramid but don’t tell anybody). Next week will be another museum or something! I mean….how much “Louvre”, “turn Eiffel” “Montparnasse” can I take?

George, I think I need a friend. Should I look for another cute, little dog like me or a house rabbit? Do you know of any parks in Paris where dogs meet? May be I’ll meet the love of my life! O la la!

A bientot


Dear Olivier,

Museums.... boring, boring, boring. Very few if any mice and those that exist as as poor as church mice, who face equally straightened circumstances. No rabbits to chase. Just lots of square things on the wall with labels Leonardo Da Vinci and the like. (Though Leonardo was fond of cats and some rather nice sketches of felines exist).

A house rabbit has interesting and gastronomic possibilities. Research your French recipes for lapin, then start trying to persuade your human that you need this kind of friend. I have been working on Celia but she says I should content myself with the very many rabbits that live in her garden. She says that when she has evidence that I have palled up with one of these, she will have some house rabbits. She pointed out that finding the half eaten rabbit corpse on her doorstep did not count as evidence of a fully functioning rabbit-cat friendship.

My online friend Samurai Raoul, (I dare not go near him as he chases cats), whose photo is on the right, recommends the Bois de Boulogne as a good place for a walk but you should warn your human about the dress code. It must be modest, otherwise she may be mistaken for certain people (male and female) who sell special services to male customers. And it is not a good place to go at night or when offices close, as this is married man's time, when customers pick up a quickie before catching the train home to their wife and family.

I am going online later today to ask Raoul for more tips on the canine vie Francaise (can't do the accents on this blog). He never goes off lead in the Bois, as his humans are dismayed by his fighting attitude. As a warrior dog, despite his small size, he attacks dogs three times his own size and, like us cats, takes no notice of any human instructions. But other dogs enjoy playing peacefully there.

Glad you peed on the pyramid. Why else would it be there? Such a nice shape with a lot of edges at pee height. Made for leg lifting. I dare say passing felines have sprayed there too.



Monday, September 20, 2010

Trouble and strife with my human

Due to a disgraceful failure of duty in my secretary, Celia, there were no posts this weekend. She claims it was due to an ISP failure just before she took four days off. I have told her that she has no right to any time off. As her owner I expect her to be a ready and willing servant at all times. She has now gone on a two day strike, withdrawing her labour under the guise of continuing what she calls a "holiday" for another 48 hours. I told her that cats don't do holidays and they don't expect their humans do to do them either. Posts will resume next Saturday or she will have very badly scratched limbs.
Yours very disgruntedly

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Of men, rats and ratatouille.

Dear George,

You won’t believe your ears what I’m going to tell you! I really think that “humans” have been somehow “genetically modified” – at least mine!

Can you believe that my humans were watching a movie entitled “Ratatouille”? Watching a movie about vegetarian food is ok since they are vegetarians…but watching a movie about a RAT cooking vegetarian food for people? Phew! Phew! Phew!

Can you believe that actually someone made a movie about a rat cooking this famous veggies stew from Provence (France) and that people (in the movie) were killing themselves to get a bite? And my “humans” were in tears by the end of the movie?

IN TEARS over food cooked by a RAT? Are they genetically modified with rat DNA?

So, I decided to save them – I’m taking cooking classes. Look at me among eggplants and zucchini! I’ll cook them a ratatouille! Any other vegetarian suggestions?



Dear Fluffy,

As an outdoor cat, my recipe for ratatouille is as follows:


One young rat.

One mouthful of grass or straw as garnish.

One human scream.

First catch your rat being careful not to pounce on a really big one that will give you a horrendous bite. The grass or straw are the optional garnish, which may go into your mouth as you grab the rat. If not, do not worry. They are not essential. The human scream is. This occurs when you bound through the cat flap with the rat struggling and alive in your mouth. Deposit the rat in the house and watch it climb up vertical walls. It does this splendidly, falling back on to the floor when it reaches the ceiling. Screaming human just makes it very exciting and worthwhile. Eat rat when it becomes exhausted - which may be several hours and a lot of hunting time later.

I have done this several times to great effect. The best time was when the rat litereally ran up the wall, Celia caught it as it fell using a Wellington boot, threw rat and boot into the garden, where I caught up with it. Unfortunately she then spoiled everything by slamming the cat flap shut just before I was bringing it back into the garden. Humans are awful spoilsports.

Love George

PS. I offered her the rats. Thought she might find them tasty. No gratitude at all. However I do not do carry-out or take-away (see comments). In principle, I do not share. The exceptions are offering Celia a rat and allowing her to sleep on my bed even though she takes up a lot of room.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Help! my sister is attacking me!

Dear George,
I'm quite fed up with my sister Cayenne.
I wasn't feeling well the other day so mommy took me to the vet. They did a whole set of tests and thanks God everything is okay.
I came back quite happy to be home but my sister Cayenne doesn't recognize me
She thinks I'm a different cat. Mommy is upset as she's leaving today for 3 weeks to visit her mother. We'll stay home with daddy but what can I do to make Cayenne realize that it is me, Fluffy? Or may be I just should get into a bag (see photo) and go away with mommy? Some advice will help! I'm sure other cats had this problem too.
Love Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
Yes, i
t is a common problem after a vet's visit. Vets are the most loathed enemies of all cats. They do awful things to us - stick us with needles, force pills down our throats, force our mouths open to lok at our teeth, and generally maul us around. We hate vets. The bolder among us bite them if we can or scratch if we get the chance. Some purr formercy (and don't get it). Mostof us just sit hunched and miserable onthat awful smelling table.
There's nothing worse than the smell of a vet. Naturally we cats identify friends and foe by scent. But the humans don't understand this because they are scent blind, poor creatures. They just plonk us back into the family home, completely unaware
of the fact that we smell like the enemy. So Cayenne reacted normally and went for you. You smelled horribly frightening to her.
The answer is to give you the smell of home. Home smells of your scent and her scent mixed together with the scent of both your humans (that's why you rub them). It's the homey scent that identified you and her as friends.
Get your human to take a clean cloth like a hankie and wipe it round Cayenne's chin and cheeks
to collect her scent. Then wipe it on your body. Do the same for your chin and cheeks and wipe it on her. Swap her beddding with your bedding. Top this all off by taking a little of your human's scent - from their armpits or (if they are self conscious about this) even atiny little bit of aftershave or perfume and put this also on both cats using a clean hankie.
Voila! ou and Cayenne should smell, not of vets, but of home. If that doesn't put things right, get a Feliway diffuser from the vet to exude a calming scent into the room where you spend most of your time. Oh yes, and next time think of taking both cats to the vet and asking her/him to handle both.
Love George

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online