When all else fails - try a fly.

Hunting is what I like best but as an indoor-only cat I don't have many chances. I have been unable to purrsuade my human to supply living mice for me.

She just won't. She used to keep them as pets, and she thinks mice are rather nice.

Instead she plays games with me using a fishing rod toy. Now this is OK, but a fishing rod toy is not a mouse. And when I catch it, there is nothing to kill.

She tried lazer lights too. I quite liked these but I found them even more frustrating than the fishing rod toy. With the toy I could grab it and rake it with my back legs even if I couldn't give the kill bite. But with a lazer there was nothing to grab.

And besides, she never gives me enough play time.d

So I I decided it would have to be flies. Bluebottles, ordinary house flies, are best. They are big enough to see properly and when you catch them they are crunchy.

You can still enjoy being a serial killer, even if your victims are just small insects.

Wasps, those insects that are yellow and stripey, are a mistake. A big mistake. Bite a wasp and you find yourself in the vet's surgery. 

Black is beautiful. And funny.

 Just some funny black cat photos of my uncle George, the founder of this column, to celebrate Black Cat Day last week and to commemorate his memory.

Play is more than just play

This is natural play with a dead mouse

Play isn't just play. It's important for our feline mental health, especially if we are indoor cats. We need it. 

It exercises not just out bodies but also our minds when our humans play fishing rod games with us. We can stalk and pounce and bat the toy on the end as if we were hunting.

I hunt a little bit indoors anyway. I hunt flies on the window pane and any other kind of insects indoors. I pounce on spiders and butterflies when I get the chance. I even eat them occasionally.

This is the same play with a toy indoors

But that's not enough because my human has such a tidy apartment with so few insects in it. I need more. I love chasing toys on the kitchen floor and I absolutely adore fishing rod games. 

So purrlease play with me. It's the theme for International Cat Day which is coming up soon. Find out more https://icatcare.org/international-cat-day/

 

Moonlight is my light

Moonlight is my favourite light, when I am in the country. The owls come out to glide silently across the sky or perch in the trees hooting. Deer step gracefully out of the woods to eat in the fields. Small rodents come out of hiding.

And I am at home in this twilight world. I can see clearly where humans are blinded by darkness. I can hear the smallest rustle of a vole in the grass.

Humans may notice a pair of eyes reflecting the moonlight but they cannot fully recognise my outline. This is my world, not theirs.

Even in the town, this kind of light makes me happy. Street lighting has more shadows than moonlight but still creates a kind of twilight. Only the glare of passing traffic headlights ruins the night.

Inside human homes there are bright light bulbs and noise TVs. Here in the street is my world.

 

Sensitive ears in the shelter

 We cats can hear far more and far better than humans. We can hear the tiny ultrasonic squeak of a mouse behind the skirting boards. We can hear the ultrasonic whirring noises of machine, which you humans cannot hear at all. Yet for us it is screaming in our ears.

So no wonder we don't like it, if the litter tray is placed near the washing machine in the utility room. Would you like to have to sit on the lavatory right by the noise of men drilling through the tarmac? That's what the machine sounds like to us!

We learn to ignore the TV noises most of the time - even though they are far louder in our ears than in yours. We can hear the  faint scrabble of a rat or the tiny hum of a very small grasshopper. They are clear as a church bell to us.

When we are put into a cat shelter, one of the awful stresses are the noises. We can sometimes hear the barking of frightening dogs in the kennels nearby. We hear the clash of the food bowls being washed and the noise of the grass outside being mown -- and we can't get away from the din.

We nervous cats suffer most. Please put us as far away as possible from noisy machinery or the rattle of food dishes. Cats in pens need as much silence as they can get!

 

Cats are taking over....

 

We have always been in children's books but now we are slinking our way into adult literature. As detectives.The latest detector cat is Yowl, hero of TAILs: The Animal Investigators of London. You will notice that Yowl is out front on the cover, though he has a little help from the other animals.

Another small step for Yowl but a giant leap for catkind.  We've more or less conquered the internet: now it is time to conquer in print.

We are well suited for detection. I can hear the tiniest ultrasonic squeak from behind the skirting board - humans cannot. I can also detect a small insect moving across the floor that evades the attention of the human eye.

I can smell who was last inside or on top of the bed - whether iindividual cat or individual human. I can see in the dark. And, most of all, I notice what humans don't.

More detector cats, purrlease.

Brian the cricketer cat.

I am not sure I understand cricket, though I think it's like hunting balls rather than mice.

Only cricket balls are very hard indeed. I couldn't pick one up in my mouth: though I could bat it with my paw, I suppose. 

But if you asked me whether the bowler was bowling a dibbly dobbly or bowling a googly, I couldn't tell you. And I'm not sure what is out for a duck, though it sounds quite tasty.

But Brian knows. He understands what is going on.

Brian, the ginger cat, is a regular attender at Somerset County Cricket ground. He enjoys watching the game, taking part in cricket teas, and socialising with the players.

And they love him so much they are going to build a house for him. A local building supplies firm, Bradfords, will do the work. One of their employees explained: "We know how loved Brian is within the Somerset County cricket community, so when we were approached to get involved, the answer was yes." 

Nobody knows where he comes from so now he has a new home.

Meowzat!

 

 

Rat delivery to the isolated

 This week I did my best to help my isolated human. She has been having difficulties with online food deliveries so I set up my own rat delivery system.
I delivered two delicious rats. I couldn't resist a nibble so one of them was only half a rat. 
I put this one on my human's bed, where she would find it after her boring breakfast of porridge. Better than bacon I thought.
I was wrong. She shouted in anger and threw it away.
Maybe she didn't like being given the lower half, I thought.
So I went and got a second one, a whole one, still half alive, and delivered it to the living room.
Young, tender, still warm - it looked good on the red carpet.
I was proud of my efforts.
Was she pleased? No. This time she screamed, pushed it into a bucket with a stick and threw it in the hedge.
Humans don't do gratitude.

• To learn more about human behaviour get my book here.

Help humans - bring a mouse indoors for them

Cats hunt, humans just stand around doing nothing

Indoor- only humans are finding it difficult to adapt. We need to help them find  more to do. I suggest teaching them to hunt properly.
Till now their idea of hunting has been to go out in the car and bring back not just food but unwanted stuff - clothes, shoes, gadgets etc. Just stuff. There is no fun in it.
Let's teach them to hunt properly. I started last night bringing in a live mouse. I released it in the living room - my human was activated immediately, shooed me out of the room and shut me outside.

So, to make things easier, I brought one in dead. She simply threw it out.
No playing with it. No great interest in it. Just a desire to get rid of it. 
She didn't even nibble at it.
Next I left a rabbit on the steps. Again no interest. She threw it into the hedge. Have I given up? No. 
Next week I am going to see if I can interest her in a something more lively - a rat. 

• Find out more about humans by reading my book here. 

Of mice, moonlight and Colin Firth

Dear George,

I’m thinking of becoming a magician! Do you know of any cats that turned magicians?

Last night I’ve watched with my mommy “Magic in the moonlight”. I loved the movie!

I love Colin Firth (hope you like him too)

Anyway, in the movie, right in the beginning, he makes a whole elephant to disappear!

Wow! Just like this - magic! I’ve got hooked on the movie and the tricks performed by world magicians! So, I was thinking to perform a magician’s trick for my mummy’s birthday entitled “Mouse on a run in the moonlight” I have the “moon” as you can see in the photo attached and I know the trick to get the mouse in! 

But, how do I make it stay inside that light globe and run like a guinea pig on a treadmill? That’s where I need your help! What do you think? Can we make it work?

With much appreciation

Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,

First catch your mouse! Then kill it. I don't think it will stay in that beautiful moon, whatever you do, if it is still alive. It will drop or leap out. And then you have a living mouse on the floor running around the house - something which scares human beings. 

They are a fearful species when it comes to rodents. They don't catch them. They don't eat them. And when we try to help out by bringing one in the house, they often stand on chairs shrieking. Now this is fun for us, but apparently not for them.
So, anything involving a mouse, will not work for a human.
Yours
George.
PS. My nephew, George 11 (see right photo),  is trying very hard to learn how to type with his paws. Readers will learn why next week. And also why the photo at the top has changed. 

Food bowls - what we like and what we don't.

Dear George,

I’m still scratching my head (metaphorically only) to understand why so much fuss about our food and water bowls. I never paid attention to what other cats eat or drink from because I took it for granted that we all eat and drink from stainless steel bowls but certainly this isn’t the case! 
Last night I paid a “welcome to the neighbourhood” visit to my next door kitty and, of course, since she’s the newest on the block I felt like it was my responsibility to check her food, water, surroundings, etc.- you know, just in case that one day I’d like to eat at her place! I’ve seen that she’s eating and drinking from plastic bowls that display little paws and cute kitty faces. 
I run back home to grab my mummy to show her these cute bowls! Oh boy, I still don’t know if that was a good idea since my mummy started lecturing this kitty’s human on the dangers of plastic bowls. She was firing at the poor guy strange names like mold, bacteria, PBA which impairs brain and neurological function, can create cat acne which actually is an allergic reaction and so she went on and on! I hope she didn’t scare the kitty or her human – both seems to be very nice!

George, what do you know about this topic? What bowls are safe for us?

Yours, 

Kitty K

Dear Kitty K,
I feel rather smug. I eat from an eco-bowl made from bamboo - https://www.becopets.com/cat-bowl It works well. I have a strong tongue (see photo of my friend Toby) and I need a stable dish.

Great strong groovy tongue

I don't care much for plastic (though I will eat from it if I must) because it has a smell that I can smell but humans can't. Nor do I like stainless steel because if my clumsy human trips on it or drops it, the noise frightens me. I can also see my reflection in it which can be scary. 
Ceramic is OK - that is what I have for my water bowls. I will also eat from them. They are more stable than plastic. I like more than one water bowl not next to the food bowl. We don't eat and drink at the same time like humans. It's not natural. And I like my bowl to be somewhere where I can eat while looking outwards, not eat looking into a wall. Seems safer that way somehow.
As for cute pictures on bowls, ignore them. They are there to make humans buy the bowl.  If I was choosing a bowl it would smell of mouse!
Yours
George

Feline party time across the pond.

Dear George, 

I don’t know about you but I’m in a party mood as we are ready to start our season of “summer garden parties” here, across the pond! As you can see in the photo attached I have the glasses and silverware ready but I’m having second thoughts about the menu! Should it be “finger food”? Buffet style? Mixed with my humans? They are big on summer parties. I’ve already invited few of my neighbours but I didn’t decide on the menu yet! I’m thinking maybe some lizards, grasshoppers (even if I’m afraid the humans will eat those as there is a real push for it in changing humans’ protein source) and, of course some juicy mice! 

The problem is that there are no mice around! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood and mice are a “no-no” which will make them an absolute delicacy, an ultimate extravagancy on my menu! If I go for having mice on the menu that means I have to stay up few nights in advance and eventually wander off my neighbourhood in search of fresh mice! By the way, do they freeze well? What do you think George? Should I be eccentric and adventurous or should I let my humans cook and then just share their barbecued meats with my friends? Hmm!

Tough decision!

Your advice, please!

Yours….in good party mood

CAT Victoria 

Dear CAT Victoria,

In order to get your humans working properly, the easiest solution would be to share barbecued food of the kind they, not you, are used to. Many of the neighbourhood cats will enjoy stealing a hot sausage off the charcoal and levanting over the garden wall. Or just giving that wonderful feline imploring eye, which induces humans to cut off a bit of meat and hand it over.

Most Western humans are still uneasy at the thought of serving insects, reptiles and rodents - though these are on the human menu elsewhere in the world. Locusts in sugar are sold in the Far East and guinea pigs are enjoyed in South America.

If you must have mice, get your humans to buy these from a pet shop where they sell frozen food for snakes. You can choose from pinkies (no fur), fluffies (just a little fur) and big furry ones. My human once served these to me when I was temporarily anorexic and after defrosting they tasted just as good as the real thing caught in the garden.

Yes, mice freeze very well. But, even if you can stockpile mice bringing them into the kitchen, can you purrsuade your human to freeze them? My human just throws them out even before I can eat them! 

Yours 

George

PS. I have added a photo of my friend Tilly stealing a slice of dry bread.

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Dear George,

It’s me, Gizmo, again! I took your advice and left the postman alone but some days can be a real drag! Boooooring! So, I was thinking how could I have some fun? What should I do? Then boom! I got this brilliant idea to catch and bring inside a little mouse – just for entertainment!  Well, it didn’t go as planned because it happened that mummy was home that day!
Her reaction when I left the mouse free in the house? Priceless! I’m “meowing out loud” as you can see in the photo attached. First she jumped up on a chair and then she started “negotiating” with the mouse (with a childish voice): mouse, please don’t jump on me!
Please, go away! Let’s go out – I’ll give you some cheese”! I was speechless (still laughing)! Who has ever heard a human talking to a mouse? Definitely not the mouse! The poor thing got so scared that it run and hid! That’s when my troubles started! Mummy looked at me furious and said: now, you stay here and catch that mouse and take it out! Wow! She meant it!
She was fuming! So, now I have to be up all night and find the mouse! And God forbid to harm it because my mummy is a big animal rights advocate! She’ll never forgive me! George, how the heck am I going to take that damn mouse out without harming it? Any advice please?
In trouble,
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
We have all tried to please our humans by giving them a present of a mouse. Or a rat. Or even a bird. We have done our best to please them. It just doesn't work. Ever. So stop trying.
What do you do next? You wait till 3am and then start hunting carefully hoping to sniff out the mouse. Then you settle down to ambush it. When you have caught it, as you will if not the first night then the second or third, do NOT take it to show your human.
Humans react very badly indeed when we jump on the bed with a mouse in our mouth... very badly indeed. They may become violent. And the mouse may escape again.
Admittedly this gives you the pleasure of recatching it for the third time, but your relationship with your human will suffer badly. So dispose of that mouse quietly. Preferably eat it. Or if you want to eat only half, leave the other half outside if possible.
Yours sympathetically
George

Cats and the Easter bunny

Dear George,

I’m in talks with some friends and family (as you can see in the photo attached – I’m the one with the red collar) to form a trade union or a labor union as it is called in the USA! After my humans’ deceiving behaviour last week I decided to protect my group’s members’ interests and improving wages in the form of more treats/steaks per capita, hours of sleeping to be extended to 18 hours per day and better sleeping conditions that absolutely require master bedrooms to be available to us non-stop! 
Even if it really doesn’t matter what we do for a living, there’s a union with members who do the same thing. You might wonder what is our specific “trade” or skills that I want to protect. Well, one thing for sure is hunting. We are born hunters! So why are the humans trying to stop us from doing what comes naturally for us? If I catch a little bird or a little mouse my Mom is screaming out loud as she’s trying to get my prey out of my mouth! Phew! Unbelievable!
And the last deceiving act of my humans? They brought home a chocolate bunny and few chocolate chicks! This is not fair at all! Cats do not eat chocolate yet my Mom is telling me that we should have compassion and only eat fake bunnies! Really? What about the turkey she eats? Or that roasted beef?
You know what George? I’m having second thoughts - I want back that little bunny I hunted few days ago that she made me let go free! Very upsetting!  Anyway, wishing all cats & their humans:

A Happy Easter and a juicy roast!

Tommy

Dear Tommy,

The sheer hypocrisy of humans never fails to astound me! They sit down and gorge themselves on meat - beef, lamb, chicken, turkey, even pheasant. Here in the UK there are human hunters who shoot bunnies.  But when we bring in a simple little mouse for our dinner, they try to take it off us. 

My friend Toby pouncing high

The height of hypocrisy are humans who pursue foxes with a whole pack of dogs. They kill the fox and do not eat it. Yet when we play with mice, they condemn us for doing this before or without eating our prey. They are blind to their own faults and unfailingly critical of us when we behave like they do. They really have no moral compass.

A feline trades union? It probably won't work, Tommy. And don't be tempted by that chocolate bunny. Chocolate can kill cats. Just keep on hunting the real thing and stop bringing them home! I suggest finishing it off and eating it quietly just the other side of the cat flap or underneath a nearby bush in the garden where she cannot see you.
Enjoy your meal.
Yours
George

Does your human smell good to you?

Dear George,
I’m sitting here scratching my head as I can’t figure out how we choose our humans. I’m not talking adopting or rescuing them! I’m talking about something that transcends that stage.
Let’s assume we already have adopted/rescued them for, let’s say a month now and, of course we share our forever home with them. We all try to adjust and, if we train them well from the beginning, they’ll make good servants!
Then….boom! We find ourselves more attached to one of them! Why is that? How do we decide which one?
The only thing I can think of …..is the smell! Even so, how come?
They don’t smell like bacon or cheese or mice (I’ve heard that some humans smell like rats though) or roasted beef? What people smell like? I know my mummy’s friends buy expensive perfumes but, the perfumes smell like flowers or grass…not necessary something to be attracted to. Men don’t use so much perfume, at least not the ones I know.
So, George, what makes humans appealing to us? Why am I so attached to my dad?
Just asking,
Leo

Dear Leo,
Why are we attached to them at all, Leo? If we care for humans, is it somehow the instinct to care for kittens? Gone wrong? Or at least gone odd! Obviously we adopt or rescue them because they will  house us in the manner that befits the superior species, and be good butlers, house maids, and cooks.
But why love them?  Why roll in front of them, sit touching them, climb on to their laps, bunt them, and sometimes even groom them? The relationship between cats and humans has only been going on for about 9000 years: they are only semi-domesticated (and some feline scientists argue that humans are not domesticated at all). 
I am sure scent plays a part in why we love one more than the other. I agree that the powerful odours that females use are often aversive to cats. Men have more of a nice cosy human odour. And, of course, who feeds us makes a difference too. Follow the food bowl and you may understand your preference better.
This is one of the great issues of our time, Leo, and I am still struggling for an explanation.
Yours
George 
PS. A good job they don't smell of mice. I'd be tempted to eat one.

Of cats and birthday presents from humans.

Dear George,

I’ve just turned four and I need your help to solve my dilemma; I have a feeling that my human pets didn’t really celebrate my birthday properly! I don’t exactly recall how did they celebrate my other three birthdays but I have this nagging feeling that they didn’t put too much effort into this year celebration. You see, I’m grateful I’ve rescued this stray family with two human kittens and no cats four years ago when I was just a tiny, few weeks old kitten. They seemed to be very happy all this time and I must admit they were very good servants so far. But, growing older and, obviously wiser I started questioning their deeds and, above all their motives! It looks like this year they “gifted” me with a new fence that I can’t climb so I’m confined in my own backyard. They know I love to wonder around the neighborhood so why would they do this to me? It is true they also gifted me with a little hammock and a cushioned basket for the backyard but I’m in my own backyard missing out peeing on my neighbor’s bed of flowers for example!For my birthday dinner I was served with one of my favorite pâté but where was my fresh, juicy mouse with four little candles on its head? Were my humans too lazy to hunt?
George, …these little things are bothering me. Are my humans slacking on their duties? Should I retaliate? Strong or mild punishment? Please advise!

Confused birthday boy,

Leo

Dear Leo,
Humans are hopeless at giving presents. Remember their horrified reactions, when you could still get your paws on a mouse and you gave the wriggling little morsel to them! Not a single "Thank you, Leo." Just squeals of dismay. Like me, you have probably tried over and over again to make them express some gratitude - dead mice, living mice, half dead rabbits and even (I dare say) the odd rat.
They are equally hopeless at giving presents. A mouse with four candles would have been wonderful. Instead you just get more tinned food. Not the same thing at all. How often have you been presented with false furry toy, when you would really have enjoyed a real furry rodent! Too many times!
What to do? My own technique is to follow the traditional feline advice. If it is theirs, take it over. If it is yours, ignore it.
Make your feelings clear by refusing to set paw in the hammock and the basket. Sit in the cardboard boxes that these items came instead.
Yours George
PS. I'd have eaten the pate too. Not a mouse but a shame to waste food.

Lauging at my humans' inability to become Master Mousers.

Dear George,

Looking at my photo (attached) you might think I’m yawning or screaming but I really don’t! What I’m doing thou is laughing out loud… at my human pets! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood where everybody is minding their own business ….neighbours don’t share too much of a social life! I think my humans are the only ones enjoying the outdoors and once in a while a BBQ! It looks to me that my humans are the only ones eating meat on our street! I don’t know if the others are barbequing carrots but

I decided to teach my humans how to hunt for a fresh, juicy steak, sorry…mouse! 

I must admit I totally failed! When I first came home with a fresh, still alive mouse my mummy screamed so hard that she scared the heck out of me and the mouse! So, I gave up on her. Next I tried my human daddy but I wasn’t any more successful than first time!

When I brought him a little bird to taste he was in such a shock that I really gasped in disbelief and the bird flew away! Phew! Damn it! I said to myself I’m not going to give up on him so easily! Next I brought him a baby rabbit! Do you think he was pleased or grateful? No! He yelled at me! Well, this was too much! Having enough of it I let the rabbit go!  George, why are humans so difficult to train? I’d like to know what I did wrong that I failed so miserably. In the meantime I’m rolling on my back laughing out loud as I let my humans believe that all meat comes from the frozen section at the superstore!

Yours….in disbelief

Bear

Dear Bear,

Humans are so ungrateful. I have over the course of several years presented my human with mice, shrews, rats (dead and alive), a dead weasel (really hard to catch), and several baby rabbits, some of them still alive. Like you, I have suffered from screams, yells and hysteria (over the live rat). It is extremely hurtful.

The live rat was my final effort to teach them to hunt. I left it in the kitchen for Celia to finish off. I thought that its athletic abilities -- it ran up the corner of the wall - would arouse her hunting instinct. Nothing of the kind.  So I had to grab it myself and she shooed me out and shut the cat flap.

The smallest kitten learns to hunt. How can these humans be so foolish. I have repeatedly tried to educate Celia - she just cannot learn.

Yours

George.

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Hunting.... what do indoor-only cats do instead?

Dear George,
This is one of my best fun occupations - hunting mice, then playing with their dead bodies. Sort of like hunting them a second time.
I toss them about and make them move. Moving targets, not still ones, are what turn me on. I do this as often as I can.
But what about indoor-only cats? How do they manage? I feel deprived when I can't do this...
Yours
Toby

Dear Toby,
I know... I know. The sheer concentrated fun of play hunting.  This is what I live for too. And I don't need my human to help as I can just go out doors, find me a mouse and do it.
Alas, indoor-only cats need human help. Just leaving small toys (they must be small) around the house isn't enough. They are so boring.  Even changing them daily only helps a little. We need moving targets.
Good human servants should give their indoor cats 30 play pounces a day - that's the number cats would do if they were wild. (They wouldn't catch a mouse on each pounce.) Fishing rod toys are best as even the idlest humans can wave these around while they are watching TV. Laser lights are good too, but can be very very frustrating if they are used too often. A treat at the end of the game would help the frustration a bit - like finally catching the laser mouse! There are lots more ideas here.
I only wish humans would put in a bit more effort about this.
Yours
George

The joy of eating grass, earthing and soft earth for litter!

Dear George, 
Please look at the photo attached and tell me what do you see?
Of course you see me and, by the look on my face, you probably think I’m being “interrupted” by something or someone from enjoying my grass! Correct? Ok! You are absolutely right! You see, sometimes I chew on this grass and sometimes I sit on it! 
Well, I was sitting on it a minute before this photo was taken but I did shy away when I heard my mummy’s comments! When she saw me sitting there she got excited shouting: “look, look I’m growing a Chicolino in a pot” She start laughing and run to get the camera! How silly! But, by the time she was back I was off the grass.

She took the photo anyway! Then she was telling daddy what a “smart boy” I was as I was earthing, I was grounding! I was what? I did not understand what she was saying!
I assume it was something good as she went on and on saying that most people do it in Europe (by the way, she walks bare feet in the backyard) She said she wish more people knew about this so they can create “grass boxes” for indoor cats so they can ground as well. George, please enlighten us: what is earthing? And how does it benefit us?

Yours,

Chico

PS. There's a website about grounding that she likes here

and cats earthing here. 

  Dear Chico,
I see a cat who has been rescued by Michelle from cold and hunger, and who is enjoying his grass. Grass is so good for cats and you can buy it in pet shops or even grow your own.
Of course, I just go outside and eat my grass in the garden or the nearby cart track. Am I grounded? Well, I am because my paws are on the lawn, on the rough stony cart track and on the soft earth of the newly dug vegetable patch - a really nice large litter tray for a cat. Aren't I lucky?
Not so sure about electrical currents from the earth but I know earth feels good to me. And I am all for earthing if it purrsuades humans to give us a large area of soft earth as a litter tray! There is also some evidence that indoor-only cats may be affected by toxins in the house. 
So cats there are reading this, please get a cat flap, or get some cat grass for your cat. And, if your human won't give you a nearly dug vegetable or flower patch, get them to provide a large litter tray with enough litter in it. At least two and a half inches.
I'm off outside to get grounded.... and maybe catch a mouse.
Yours
George.

Looking for my mouse....

Dear George, 
I think my human mummy is going nuts! This week it was her birthday and she got as a gift “The Essential Dowsing Guide” book! That in itself was the biggest mistake as she immediately started reading it and then, of course, she tried to “explore” (oh! excuse me….dowse) everything that came to her mind or her way. I personally think this is a big no-no …but who would think a cat knows better? Anyway, I was quite bored waiting for to finish reading so we can play so I was looking for my mouse (toy). I didn’t say anything but I heard her saying: Ah! Ok! I can find you (meaning me) if you disappear, I can find lost objects and, actually I can find your mouse – a live mouse! Then….she went to the backyard with two L-shape rods and started walking around! George, is she really nuts? Who cares about dowsing? I don’t ….for the record.

Why?

First – I do not plan to “disappear” (after I lived on the streets for 3 years? No way).

Secondly – I’m not interest in any lost object! I can find my mouse toy without any gadgets. And thirdly – the live mouse is my “quick moving and juicy dinner” and all she did was to scare the heck out of my poor dinner! Now I have to eat the food she had prepared for me! Ugh! I know she holds in utmost respect the British Society of Dowsers! Since this association is in UK can you please ask them how can I tell her she has no talent for dowsing (proved last night) and how can I stop her from scaring away my dinner?

With much gratitude

Chico

Dear Chico,

This is a serious dilemma. We don't want humans to start finding and catching mice. This is our job.  I have always argued that mouse traps should be banned as should mouse poison (so dangerous for cats that decide to eat a mouse). Now dowsing. What will they think of next? They are dumb and dumber, poor creatures.
Maybe it would help if you started bringing her live mice so that she practiced inside the home, rather than interfering in your backyard? This is a tentative suggestion because many humans fail to appreciate our generosity and just scream or stand on chairs.
Another possibility is to use her as a hunting aid. At the moment she is scaring mice away but if she could only get a bit more expert at it, she could dowse their whereabouts, then call you in to finish them off. 
But is this likely? Humans are so noisy and clumsy that I believe they can only dowse inanimate things like water.... even the British Society of Dowsers would surely draw the line at mice.
Please stay in touch and tell me how you get on with this latest example of sheer human stupidity.
Yours
George.