Thursday, May 29, 2014

Of Hawks, Roads, and Interesting Stuff in the Kitchen.

Dear George,
We were quite impressed by your interview from last week (see here). It seems that finally you have been given credit for your work. We are very happy about your instant fame since we need your advice more than ever.
We are home alone (for the moment); Princess is watching for our humans’ return (from work) and the three of us are exploring the kitchen (as you can see in the picture).
Now…this should be a perfect picture in a cat’s life …being home alone and able to explore the human territory, but it is not in our case and the reason is that we are not allowed outdoors. How much fun can we have being indoor cats? How much or for how long can we explore the humans’ territory? As already known…humans don’t have much imagination or secrets. How long before we start fighting with each other right out of boredom? 
George, we need a solution to our problem. We even thought of tricking our humans and sneak out the door….but we were afraid. It’s not the traffic (which is quite nearby and terrible)…It’s the hawks! Our neighbourhood was alerted about an unusual and increased number of hawks. The other day one snatched a little dog (leash on) from his human.
What are we to do? Any ideas how to keep the hawks away?
Eternally grateful,
Vegas, Marty and Bentley

Dear Vegas, Marty and Bentley,
What a shocking story about the hawks. Luckily it was only a dog. I'm not too keen on dogs myself but that is because I am a cat flap cat. Various dogs pass by my house, usually pulling their humans for a walk, and many of them lunge at me. My normal procedure is to run up the nearby willow tree and sneer at them.
This would not work for hawks. Here in the Cotswolds we have buzzards and red kites, both of which would take a kitten given the chance. I usually warn smaller cats and kittens to get under cover as fast as possible - under the garden shed, through the cat flap or even under the oil boiler.
Traffic is definitely more dangerous to us cats than hawks. There are an enormous number of road injuries which is the argument for keeping cats like you indoors. 
Get your humans working on providing more interesting facilities. There are some good ideas here. I favour a tiger pole myself. Due to sheer human idleness I don't have one yet.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

At last -- recognition for my valuable work as a human behaviour counsellor.

Read it at

For once this column is all about Me.  Not other cats' problems with their humans.
After years of studying human behaviour and years of trying to help other cats understand their humans, I have had full recognition in Mousebreath, the award winning magazine by cats for cats.
I was interviewed by the Jan's Funny Farm team - more about them at This is the first time that I have appeared in a proper cat magazine. I have appeared in human magazines occasionally and occasionally I have guest blogged for human blogs. But this is a first.
I am thrilled because I want to get across one simple fact. Train your human. A properly trained human is a delight to live with. Moreover a trained human is a happy human. They know their place and they enjoy being in our family.
So please read my interview and remember this take-home message. Train them.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

How could my human refuse such a magnificent gift?

Dear George,
I finally achieved my ambition. I caught a rat all by myself. Previously I have picked up and carried rats that were originally caught by my companion Tilly. I hunted this one all by myself.
Look at the size of it! Twice as big as a mouse. I won't bore you with the full tail - how I heard it squeak, focussed all my attention on the shrubbery, stalked slowly and quietly up to it, and then pounced grabbing it by its bottom.
I bore it proudly out from the shrub, my head held high, my whole body quivering with joy, and decided to give it to my human. I was sure she would like it, as she ran and got a camera to photograph me and my rat. It was big enough for a whole human meal. She could have eaten it on toast like a grouse.
What happened next was a huge disappointment. As I strode towards her, she turned tail and ran into the house. Then she actually locked the cat flap against me.
How could she be so insensitive?

Dear Toby,
For years I have campaigned to try to get across this message. Human Beings Refuse to Eat Mice or Rats.  We have all tried our best. We have brought in a wide variety of rodents, and there has been not a single case of human gratitude. Nor has it ever been recorded that a human seized the dead rodent, cooked and ate it. They just don't.
Birds are another matter. They eat birds frequently, mainly chickens but occasionally larger birds like turkey and goose. They even eat wild birds like pheasants and partridges and I am told that in France they eat blackbirds, after putting them in a pate.
Even so, almost all human refuse to eat the birds we bring in. I do know of one case, when I brought in a partridge, my own human shuddered but her sister seized it off me, wrung its neck, plucked it and took it home to eat. Now there is a human that knows what's what - even if I did lose my bird.
You will just have to learn to live with human ingratitude about rats. You cannot change human nature.

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Is it time for Bite The Vet week?

Dear George,
Unfortunately ,I was sick the other night, and even though it was outside, Mummy found it, and whipped me to that horrid place where they stuck a glass thing up my bottom, so undignified, and needles in me, shaved off my fur to do this.  And left me in a cage all day with water going in my leg.
What a carry on. I did feel very queasy.
She did collect me at 5 and had cooked me fish, and chicken. Well I was famished so was glad to see food. I stayed out that night, popped in to wake up when I got hungry, and guess what? 

She shut me in at 8am and out came my basket and back we went to the vets, for another injection. Cost her over £300 so that'll teach her a lesson.
Lots more fish and chicken followed, but I've stayed out of the house , only entering to wake her for food at night or a cuddle in the evening, as I know she's is worried, but it has freaked me out.
I suppose it did make me better, but how would she like it?
I know you will understand ,George.
Lots of love,
Toby xx.

Dear Toby,

Vets. I loathe and detest them. I call them torturers.  They are always jabbing needles into us. And as for that thing up the bottom. My friend William used turn round smartly and bite the hand that was trying to stuff a glass tube up his backside. He wouldn't have it. 
And the smell. Each time I go there it smells of feline distress, anxious human, and smelly dogs. In the waiting room the worry smell is almost overpowering. And oddest of all, the humans don't seem able to smell the anxiety in the air. Even the dogs do. But not the humans.
I am thinking of starting a Bite The Vet week among fellow felines. Or maybe we could start a cat gang, kidnap a vet, hold him down and stick a tube up his bottom.
 With sympathy for your suffering,
PS. This blog is early because my human is putting me into captivity for week, as she goes away to enjoy herself. Sickening behaviour.  AND she was too late to put this photo of Mexico Day (May 4) on the previous blog. I wish humans were more efficient.

Saturday, May 03, 2014

Astrocats..... famous cats, space, and our new territory cyberspace

Dear George,
Did you ever hear about Astrocats?
I'm asking you because I'm thinking if I should consider the possibility (as you can see in the picture).
In the sixties, when dogs were being sent into space, cats had the good sense to avoid the trip.
In 1963, for example, when the French government had numerous cats undergoing intensive training for possible space flight, 10 of the would-be astrocats were “decommissioned” for eating too much! Even Felix, a Parisian street cat chosen to undertake the first mission, managed to escape at the last minute.
On October 18, 1963, his replacement, a female cat named FĂ©licette, blasted off on a 100-mile flight lasting less than 15 minutes and was recovered, safe, but probably mad as hell.
So, George what do you think? Should cats take over the cyberspace?
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Yes, of course, we should. Cyberspace is different from real space out there. Real space has killed score of animals - monkeys, mice, dogs (remember Laika the first dog in space), guinea pigs and even fruit flies. All sent off in a rocket to their deaths, because humans were happy to sacrifice them for their own safety in space.
Cyberspace is different. Just look at Youtube for videos of cats or I can haz cheezburgher. We have practically taken them over. We are even more popular the Hitler parodies - and that's saying something. Not forgetting the website Cats that look like Hitler or blogs about cats like Jan's Funny Farm or blogs written by cats like Harry Spotter. Harry is so exclusive that you have to ask to be permitted to read his blog, though he did once write a letter to me! Also worth looking at the Cat Blogosphere linkies where many bloggers like me leave their pawmarks. Cats like Mabel the Stroud cat are also taking over Facebook.
So onward and upward Victoria. Forget about space travel. That's yesterdays story. Let's just take over the internet completely.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online