How we domesticated humans

 This is a home for a cat circa 8,500 BC - one of the first that humans built when they became civilised and friendly to cats.

Before that time they wandered around the landscape without settling down in one spot. 

Once they settled, they had to store food. So house mice moved in.  So did sparrows. And so did we.... for the mice not the humans.

But the shelter from the weather suited some of us too. Admittedly building techniques in the so called Fertile Crescent were only mudbrick and the entrance door was in the roof... but better than a cold cave.

It was the beginning of the domestication of humans by cats. We moved in when we thought they had evolved enough.

• Photo shows early Neolithic mudbrick house, recreated at Asikli Hoyuk in Turkey.
  

Cyprus disease alert

 

Humans need to protect us. There is a serious disease that is killing cats like us in Cyprus. We need to ban the import of cats from that country NOW.

It's a severe version of FIP, a feline corona virus which causes FIP, and there isn't a cure for this. If this reaches the UK or the USA, any cat that has a cat flap may be at risk. And in Cyprus even indoor cats have been affected. The details can be read here. 

This is an urgent warning to all humans. Read up about this illness. Check that your cat has not been, and cannot be, in touch with any Cypriot imported feline. Quarantine all street cats carefully before admitting them into your home where there are other cats.

Hygeine in shelters and cat sanctuaries has never been so important. Any cat lover travelling back from Cyrpus should make sure they have washed their hands (changed their clothes) before handling their own cats.

We also need import bans.

If cats were politicians....

 If cats were politicians, they'd do better than our politicians do.... After all, Larry the cat has lasted at number 10 Downing St much longer than any prime minister.

Now at last, a novel has come out which looks at what would happen in Whitehall if cats really were politicians. Cats whose humans read to them can find out more at catsociety.co.uk

I can't read human scratch posts but I welcome the idea of cats ruling Britain. There is every chance they would do a better job than the current humans.

Larry has shown dedicated service to the nation, a lack of corruption, no interest in sexual assaults or gropes, and a consistent honesty that has not been evident among those who have tried to lead our nation.

Good news for cats world domination....

The human brain is getting smaller. They are beginning to lose their capacity to out-think animals. Read the scientific details here. This is very good news.

Our world take-over will speed up as their thinking capacity shrinks. Purrsonally I have seen signs of a shrinking brain in my human already.

• She's getting testy, unable to tolerate frustration. Some felines wonder if this is due to the heat wave. I think it is due to brain shrinkage.
•  She is much less energetic than she used to be. It could be cognitive dysfunction of the elderly but it also could be brain shrinkage of her species.
• She is getting more difficult to train even though I follow the excellent manual One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. 
• Her general capacity to anticipate and fulfil my demands is falling away.

These, of course, are the unpleasant signs of human brain shrinkage but in the long view it must be a good things. 

Roll on the day when we cats take over completely.

International Cat Day photos

 To celebrate International Cat Day next Tuesday I am posting pictures of international cats - taken by my secretary. Notice how other photographers cannot resist a cat snap either. Guess where! Answers at the bottom of the pix.

....

Answers: My street, Serbia, Pompeii, Isle of Man, Egypt, Orkney.

Why do humans lie on litter?

Even kittens know what sand is for.

 Humans are so weird. This time of year they leave their homes to go and spend hours lying in the sun on nature's litter tray -- the sea shore. Miles and miles of hot sand, ideal for feline use, are full of humans just lying there doing nothing!

There they are, with only a few bits of artificial fur (clothing), on sand. Sand is what I love too - but for digging and pooing in. Any heap of builder's sand, any child's sand pit, makes the ideal feline toilet. 

One of the misunderstanding between us cats and humans is just this. They really get upset when we use the kid's sandpit! Or - the next best place - the newly raked dry seedbed.

But why, oh why would they want to just lie on sand. The sand gets in all their nooks and crannies, but they don't seem to mind that. They don't seem to understand that sand is for toileting.

Now I enjoy lying in the sun. I love doing that. The sun on my fur, a little ripple of breeze, the warmth relaxing my whole body. So, no wonder they enjoy the sun too.

But if there's a choice I use paving or grass to lie on: sand is for other purposes.

It can't be the texture that attracts them, because they usually put down a towel or a bed. Maybe they like the company. They seem to lie there crowded against one another...

As I said, humans are so weird.

Training? I don't think so....

 My human says she is thinking of "training" me. Like a dog. A horrible idea. Some dogs are trained by cruel punishments or even electric shocks.

I talked to my friend Toby who has been through this process. He says I am seeing it all wrong. It is an activity which trains humans to come up with better food.

First they offer you a treat, then they have a code word which follows. After a little while, once you recognise the code word, you know that a treat follows.

This is when you start training them. You do something that amuses them - sitting up on hind legs, or following a target - they use the code word and divvy up the goodies.

It takes a bit of time before they understand it fully. But after a while, they get the idea...

And you get free food just in return for some absurd behaviour.

Simple. They think they are training you but you are training them.

Cat deprivation in humans: the symptoms

 

Dr Roxy on her therapy couch treats a patient

 

A new syndrome in humans has been discovered - cat deprivation syndrome. Do you know a human who is suffering? Here is an outline of the symptoms.

• Intense loneliness. This emotion is felt despite socialisation between humans. In households with partners and children, it is still the primary symptom. In lone-human households, it can become seriously overwhelming.
• Purr deprivation during the night. The human frequently wakes and misses the purr. This leads to prolonged sleeplessness due to what we cats call "unnnatural night silence." More room on the bed does not compensate for purr absence.
  
• The breakfast gap. This occurs when the human staggers downstairs to put down cat food. Realises there is no cat. Has to fill the gap by making her own coffee first. Schedule disruption produces inner uneasiness.
• Empty-house ideation. The human's mind is full of images of an empty house. Empty armchairs. Empty beds. Empty windowsills
  
• Missing rituals -  such as the litter skitter, the move-over-you-are-on-my-chair, the belly flop, where-ie-my-dinner, the greeting-you scratch on mat, don't-interrupt-my-grooming-sequence. 
• Improverished cleaning rituals. Where has the hair gone? Paradoxical feelings of dismay rather than relief.

I could go on, but these are the main symptoms. If not promptly addressed, they can lead to severe mental psychosis.

• 
  

A cat's guide to human separation

 

This is the right kind of cat loving partner - blanked for privacy

Humans pride themselves on being sexually more continent than cats - but the briefest look at human sex shows that this is far from true. They get together but when they separate there is caterwauling, ill feeling and a lot of resentment.

For us cats it is much simpler. We get in the mood, we go out and find others, and we get it all over with lots of caterwauling, lots of partners, and lots of sex. Then we come home and wait for kittens. We do not worry about what happened on the roof that night.

Separation is not always bad for cats. When one human leaves, there is more room on the bed for us. There is usually more human attention, even if the tears and would-be hugs (which most of us hate) are an embarrassment.

Sometimes we need to rehome a new partner that is ruining our lives. Of course we can put up with less space on the bed, and we can put up with more interruption from the two humans. But occasionally there is a partner that does not like cats.

These are people, usually male humans, that keep us out of the bedroom. The cheek of it. I don't mind sharing my bed with a human but being pushed off it altogether is too much. 

How to deal with this? Show very obvious terror every time the bloke is around. Mew piteously and give that helpless look to the female. Shiver - yes, I know that cats don't shiver from fear but most humans don't realise that. 

If she loves you enough, she will get the message and rehome him. If she doesn't start visiting neighbours to see if you can rehome yourself.

Indoor only humans, stop cuddling.

Covid has made normal people into indoor-only humans. Which means they have been emotionally needy. They have sought our attention and constantly demanded cuddles.

Now the dilemma facing cats, whose humans do not go out of the front door (that large cat flap often opening out into a street), is being recognised. Stress. That is what we cats are feeling, as humans become dependent upon us.

The feline welfare manager of Battersea cat and dog home says ‘Having the constant companionship of their owners during the pandemic may have left some cats feeling as though they have lost part of their territory or have less control over when and for how long they receive a fuss.’

Until this pandemic most humans led indoor and outdoor lives - leaving the house at regular intervals five days a week and leaving us to get on with our own lives. For some of this it meant a noonday snooze on the bed. For others, it meant visiting the old age pensioner down the road who would offer a second breakfast. 

Lockdown has meant humans stayed at home. Almost all the time. They call it  "working from home." Though heaven knows what they do with their so called laptops (a cat on the lap is one thing: a digital device is quite another). 

Many of us have felt positively harassed. We have been petted too much. Picked up too often. Cuddled when we don't want it. Our routines have been interfered with. Our serenity has been severely upset by constant demands for affection.

Purrlease stop. Go back to the office leave us alone.

Dotty succeeds in beating the Firebrigade.....

 Congratulations to juvenile Dotty, who successfully played one of the oldest cat games that cats can play with humans. How to get the attention of the Firebrigade guys.

Nine month old Dotty shinned up a tree and wouldn't come down. She stayed there overnight and finally the next morning a group of beefy handsome humans came to rescue her with a long ladder.

Up went the ladder. Up went Dotty. Higher and higher. Much higher than the Firebrigade humans could follow or that their ladder could reach.

So they went away. Mission unaccomplished.

Four hours later Dotty came down.....

To be successful in this great human tease, it is necessary to show great perseverance in staying in the tree, followed by great daring in climbing higher up to more slender branches.

Dotty did it purrfectly.

Our secret language of scent

Lucy marking her cat pen to make it smell like home.

We can leave messages for other cats, and reminders for ourselves, with a secret language - a specialised scent called a pheromone. This is a chemical emitted from glands in own bodies among other places from our cheek and chin.

Ever thought why we cats rub our chin and cheek against something? We are marking it with this pheromone and with our own ordinary body scent (a kind of signature mix). 

If we have rubbed against our human, then that scent of human will also be there. We are making our household territory friendly by making it smell of the family - us, our humans and perhaps another resident cat (if we like him and have rubbed against him too.)

It is like a post-it note to ourselves saying "We live here: this is our home and family." Humans cannot smell this at all: nor can they usually see it.

Occasionally, if we have rubbed in the same place for a long time, our human may notice a sort of dark mark. If they are houseproud, they clean it off. This is very upsetting.

So we have to re-mark it all over again. And again.

Naked humans and compassionate cats

Naked humans are often shy in front of us, a survey revealed last week. Naked and ashamed of their lack of fur presumably. Poor hairless humans. I pity them.

Imagine having to cover up your body with clothing, because the only bits of fur you have are on the head, the chin, the armpits and the groin. The wrong places and the wrong type of hair to keep yourself warm. That is the human dilemma.

Many cats out of kindness move off the bed when their human is about to strip off and go to somewhere private like the linen cupboard. We cats know that staring is upsetting for us: and presumably it upsets naked humans too. The other alternative is to close your eyes and drift off into a deep sleep at these human strip tease moments.

Be compassionate. Don't shame your human. Do not stare at that fur-less human skin.  At moments like this many humans suffer from feelings of inferiority to felines.  Fur envy, I call it.

 

 

 

•  For further insights in the cat-human relationship read my book here.

 

Block that screen! Hit that keyboard! Murder the printer!

Humans urgently need our help to stay sane. They are focused so much on the screen that some of them are becoming addicted.
In this video Tommy shows you how to have fun while interrupting their obsessive gazing. You will notice that he doesn't just jump on the printer, he puts his paws on the keyboard, which cries out with an odd noise each time.
Do your duty during this crisis. Interrupt your human before its obsession with the screen overcomes it.
Stroking us, feeding us, and talking to us is so much more important than they realise. It brings them back to the real world and gives them important body contact.
Place yourself between the screen and your human whenever possible.  
 

• For more tips on how to manage a human get this book here

Make your pet an indoor-only human

We cats have all the space in the world: but humans should be kept in.

Keeping human pets indoors-only is a fashion that is sweeping the world. Yes, the world. 
For years we human behaviourists have advised that if humans are allowed to roam freely, hunting in supermarkets and in bars, they are at risk. They may enjoy being outside, but it is a risk to their health, particularly the health of the elderly pets.
Now the world is listening to our advice. Lock down your human.
So my guidance to all cats is simply this: Keep your human inside the house as much as possible. 
You can allow visits to the garden, if you bodyguard them to stop human-to-human contact. Garden exercise will help your pet avoid frustration. But that's all.
Indoor-only humans are healthier and more available for their home duties.

• For more about managing your human, get my book here.
  

Life of a feline artist - success.

At last... my book is officially published. A Cat's Guide to Humans from A-Z. And this time my name is on the cover. Feline friends can purchase it here. The more you know about your humans, the better.
Several years ago when I published a training manual for fellow cats (One Hundred Ways to Train your Human) my human stole the copyright and claimed credit.This time it is different.  I am now an acknowledged feline author.
It's been a struggle, I admit. I needed to take a cool look at humans in general as well as my particular human. There is so much in their behaviour which is alien and sometimes disgusting to a normal cat. I needed to set aside my natural feelings and study them without prejudice. 
Manipulating or managing a human is the basis of all good cat-human relationships. 
Now at last there is a guide.
I hope it will contribute to better feline understanding of this strange species we have domesticated.

How to deal with noise in the living room

Hello George,

I am interested to know why humans listen to some awful noises on a machine in the lounge (which is supposed to be a comfortable and serene area to relax). The odd time it sounds okay but sometimes I find it very upsetting and it causes me to react to show my displeasure. A cat I know demonstrated his displeasure by spraying one of the boxes the noises come out of! I think this got his message across very well! It is harder for me to do this as I am a girl. Are there any other effective ways you can suggest to demonstrate my displeasure? I am willing to carry out any instructions you provide to keep the lounge as it should be; a second bedroom for my slumber! If I let my humans get away with this what else will they try to get away with? It could be the beginning of a long slippery slide and I want to nip it in the bud! I look forward to your advice!
Yours
Gracie

Dear Gracie,

Girls can spray and do spray too. Particularly feisty females who want to send a strong message to their humans. Even nose-blind humans get the scent message when we spray. And there's something enticing about spraying on electrical items or even on electrical plugs. 
They don't just give off a noise: they give off an interesting plastic warm-up smell, of which humans are totally unaware.
That said, spraying is the ultimate weapon. It's almost the equivalent of the nuclear option for humans. It doesn't hurt humans but it upsets them dreadfully and can ruin the cat-human relationship.
So just Turn off, tune out and drop into sleep. 

Remember we cats can sleep anywhere - here are some photos to remind you.
Yours George 
PS. I adopted this motto from the l960s hippy one -Turn on, tune in and drop out. Hippies knew how to relax even if their drug problems were awful.

Cattack alert... when the postman knocks!

Dear George,
I'm laughing my head off - the story I'm going to tell you. It is too funny.
Recently my human provided me with a cat flap(which was much overdue, by the way.) Coincidentally, we got a new postman too! And, that's how it all started.
I was sunbathing on my porch when I saw the new postman coming with the mail. 
He looked around and saw the cat flap, looked around again and then he bent forward and slipped the mail inside through the cat flap…then he rang twice. Wow! He definitely wasn’t Jack Nicholson nor did Jessica Lange come to open the door!  Why he rang the bell twice I have no idea. Anyway, he did exactly same thing for the next few days. Since it seemed to me that he either hasn’t noticed our mail box or has chosen to ignore it I decided to play a little game with him! Next day I stayed indoor waiting for him. The minute he slipped the mail in I bit his hand! He startled so easily that he forgot to ring the bell. The following day I was again on the porch waiting for him. I saw him coming down the street (he didn’t see me) – this time he was carrying a stick in his hand! I was so curious to see what he’ll do with that stick! OMG! You won’t believe it! He used the stick to open the cat flap and slipped in the mail! Aha, okay! So next day I “clawed” his stick J I don’t know what he thinks but since that day he leaves the mail in front of the door and does not ring the doorbell anymore! George, I know I misbehaved and I’m still laughing about it but how could he not realize that…that was a cat flap? What should I do now? Tell mummy of my misbehaving or should I sit on top of the mail box meowing so I’ll bring it to his attention? Maybe he is a good man who has never seen a mailbox in his life? 
Puzzled but laughing
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
The post is good fun. It comes through a cat flap or a letterbox just like a mouse pokes its head out of a hole. Attacking it is almost as good as hunting a mouse. Look how these Youtube cats enjoy it - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5lkucdrVuA Better still attacking the post gets your human's attention. They laugh.
Tempting though they are, postperson's pink fingers should not be attacked. Concentrate on the mail. If you do hurt the postmen they may refuse to deliver - like the case of Bella here 

So have fun.
Cheers
George

Human failure - my paws won't type

There will be a gap in this blog, because I cannot use my paws to type. My secretary Celia is going away and without her, I cannot blog. Her absence is extremely irritating.
However my young nephew, called George as a tribute to myself, is trying to teach himself to type. Like me he has studied human behaviour at degree level and is currently finishing his MSc thesis, Human behaviour: a meta review of current studies in feline-human interaction. He is also rewriting the thesis as a general book to help cats understand their human. The title will be A Cat's Guide to Humans: from A-Z.
In the meantime, I am silenced by lack of human fingers. Very irritating indeed. Sometimes I think it is time I passed on this blog to a younger feline.

Of cats, harnesses and leashes

Dear George,

I truly believe that just like humans some cats are more adventurous than others. Why am I saying this? Well, I read on your blogs few letters written by really courageous and adventurous cats. But, hiking trekking, surfing or skateboarding along my humans definitely it’s not my cup of tea so to speak! You see, when I’ve adopted my humans they came with baggage: two human kittens and a dog. In the meantime the human kittens grew and went away to university but my humans still need to walk Bella (the dog) at least twice a day. Lately my “mama” start talking about having me on a harness and leash so I can join them walking Bella! Are they out of their mind? No! No! No! I have as much desire to walk the dog as I have to reach the summit on Mount Kilimanjaro! 

Actually my only desire right now is to take a nap in a sunny spot in my backyard garden! So George, how do I make it clear to my humans that I’m not a dog and, definitely I don’t fancy myself in a harness or leash! Phew! Unbelievable!

Yours,
FiFi

Dear Fifi, 
I so agree, Fifi. We are not dogs - grovelling and deferential animals who look up at humans and follow their commands. This just one of the many human delusions that we have to fight against. And it is very difficult to get the message through to them.
If they advance towards you with a harness, run and hide under the bed. If they pick you up with the idea of putting it on, wriggle hard and run and hide under the bed. If they hold you down and put the harness on you, run and hide under the bed. Refuse to come out for several hours. With luck, they will realise that you are not going to tolerate this senseless human behaviour.
A Siamese acquaintance of mine let her humans "train" her to a harness. They decided to take her and their caravan to Greece. On Brindisi docks, they let her out of the caravan in her harness and a sudden noise freaked her out. She wriggled free and nobody has ever seen her again. A warning to all cats not to let humans treat them like dogs.
Yours
George