Stop feline cultural appropriation!

The name is George. George Online Cat. 

Only it isn't.

This name is cultural appropriation at its most disgusting.

George is NOT my name, but the name given to me by humans, who purrsist in calling us cats by names they, not we, invent. They don't seem to realise how bad mannered it is.

"George" is just a word to me. People are so stupid that when I react to the word, they think it means I "know my name."

Of  course I don't. It's not my name. My identity is bound up with my personal smell, my signature scent. It doesn't need a "blah blah" human utterance.

I react to the name because it predicts stuff like food, strokes, or (occasionally) punishment. 

Yet humans are too thick to react to my real scent identity which I spread on them when I rub against them. They only "recognise" my identity scent when I pee or spray - and then they react very badly indeed. They don't understand that this is my signature identity.

Stop and think, human. You are guilty of feline cultural appropriation when you think you have named me!

I know your name, human!

 

We aren't dumb, you know. I can recognise my own name when my human calls me. And, it seems, some of us can match a name of a fellow cat to their photo, even match the name of a human to a photo.

If we can be bothered, that is.

Japanese researchers named a fellow resident cat, and then showed us either the right photo or the wrong photo of that cat. We spent more time looking, if it was the wrong photo because that was unexpected. They did the same with a photo of our owner.

O, these human obsessives....  I notice that one of the cats refused to take part in this waste-of-my-time behaviour by the researchers! He had better things to do - like a nap or a bowl refill.

I think I would have had better things to do. I know I am purrfectly intelligent. I don't need to take part in clumsy human experiments to show off.

I purr, therefore I am.

 

 

Dumb humans call cats psychopaths.

 Humans shoot rabbits:nobody calls them psychopaths.

 All cats are somewhat psychopathic? So say the human newspapers in a gross slur on cats. Read it here. Psychopathic? Ridiculous. A typical example of dumb humans loading their preconceptions on to the feline species.

I am so cross about this that I would like to write a letter to the newspaper. But my paws just won't work correctly. What can I do? Well I could nip, bite or scratch to express my feelings of frustration against the human race.

Their "thinking" (if you can call it that) goes like this. Human psychopaths are 1) predatory: 2) manipulative and 3) without empathy. We cats are all those things because we have to be, living with humans.

Predatory? Yes. I catch mice and rats. This is what we do as cats. It is how we survived before the advent of cat food in a bowl. So we catch birds? They eat birds like chicken and turkey and duck.

Manipulative? Yes. How else am I going to get my human to do what I want? Or how else am I going to stop them doing what i don't want?  So I purr, rub, or nip or bite. It is my only option since I can't use the human language.

Without empathy or callous? Not fair. I try to understand their feelings, but they express them in such an odd way. They just keep blahblahing at me but I can't understand their language. Their vocalisations are too complex: their body language is not at all expressive: and they hide their natural body scent communications by standing under water, adding artificial scents and flushing away the urine and faeces which I could otherwise get a message from.

There are times when I despair of dumb humans. They are so STUPID.

The meaning of rolling

Rolling is what we do when we are happy and relaxed. So humans think. And that's where they are wrong. Rolling has different meanings.

This kind of roll, done by my friend Boomer, is just a happy relaxed roll in front of his human. It means something like "Look at me! I'm your friend."  It does not mean "Tickle my tummy."

If an ignorant human thinks its safe to tickle Boomer's tummy, he will soon be put right. Because rolling then raking with his painful claws is also what Boomer does to toy mice - as a kind of play-with-prey game. Human beware!

Rolling, or rather lying on the side of the body, is also something cats do in a play fight - or in a real fight.  So itl's not straight-forward. 

A roll might also be a roll in the dust to thicken the coat or change our smell. It might be a sort of floppy roll to expose our tummy to the sun.

Humans need to attend very carefully to what we do, how we do it, whether we look relaxed, playful or even fearful. They need to consider the context not just one single action.

So a roll is either relaxation with attention-seeking, a play-with-prey (human fingers too) move, a move in a play fight, a defensive move in a real fight, or just a chance to roll in the dust or in the sunlight.

Humans, don't make assumptions.

 

Humans and feline loyalty.... huh

 
Another human misunderstanding... Apparently they think we should be loyal to them? Loyal. Yes, it's incredible to realise how dumb these humans are.

Some nosey "scientists" set up an experiment, whereby a stranger behaved negatively towards a cat's human and another stranger was helpful to the cat's human. A third person just stood by being neutral.

Then all three offered the cat a piece of food. Naturally the cat took food from all three. Of course. Why not? From this ridiculous experiment the 'scientists' concluded that cats lacked "social evaluation" because they were not disposed to co-operate with humans.

Apparently dogs avoid humans that behave negatively towards their humans. What does that show? That dogs are stupid enough to side with their humans when there is free food going. 

That's called loyalty. I call it downright idiocy.

Why we bite humans who pet

Humans are dumb animals. They cannot read our body language. I tell them I want them to stop petting me. I am purrfectly clear about it.

I start swiveling back my ears. It is obvious what I mean. I mean "Stop." They just don't see it. Are they choosing to be blind. Or are they just so stupid they don't notice.

So I "shout" louder by lashing my tail. Look, dummy. See? It's my tail. It is lashing side to side. You don't notice my ears but surely you can notice my tail.

They don't. Or they won't. So then I do what I have to do to get their attention. I give them a little nip. It's only a nip. I don't bite down on them. My teeth don't even break the skin.

Then they stop. At last.

Obviously, in order to get their attention I have to use my teeth. Nothing else gets through to them. Of course, they don't like it but at least they withdraw their hand and the petting stops.

They call it the petting and biting syndrome. I call it commonsense communication. 

• In the video my friend Marnie shows a typical moment of feline exasperation. 
  

If they really want to know what a cat bite is like, they should interfere in the cat fight. Then they will get a real bite, not a nip. Believe me, if I bite you and give you a deep puncture wound, you WILL understand the difference between a bite and nip. 

Kittens... who's the Daddy?

 

Yes, it is what you think in the picture..... more than one father! We, cats, are sensible enough to hedge our bets.

We don't fight over who mates with whom. True, there is a lot of noise and caterwauling and usually the biggest tom cat goes first.... if the female allows. But others have their turn too.

Why is this a good thing? Well who knows what will happen to the kittens? Will they go to a good home and be neutered pets? Or a bad home that doesn't neuter them so they end up as strays? Or will they have to live in the wild and find their own food?

Two fathers means that if the little black kittens don't thrive in the world then purrhaps the little grey one will. Or visa versa. so it is a way of making sure one or more of the kittens will have the right genes to survive. 

Humans are sometimes sniffy about our sex lives, but it is the pot calling the kettle black. We only mate when our hormones tell us to. They have sex all the time, any night of the week.

Purrsonally I find that kind of sex drive disgustingly licentious.

• 
  For more information about humans get this book here.
  
  

Whoohoo. The precision strike.

I can jump nine times my own height from a standing start. Beat that, humans! You never will. Even at Olympic games, humans can do nothing as strong and powerful as this.

Why do it?

For hunting in the long grass, of course. If we just pushed through the grass, the mouse would get away. So we leap up and over, with our front paws tucked in to help the jump, then pushed forward at the last minute to grab the mouse. It's called the fore foot strike.

We also use the high jump up, to help us escape on to high places away from dogs and other dangers. 

These photos are blurry because my human was caught by surprise and failed to change her camera settings. But there is a longer video showing my friend Toby on her Youtube channel here.

You will see how carefully we have to shift our weight, poise, and sometimes give a little wiggle just before we launch ourselves into the air. Front legs tucked in on launching, back legs then tuck in, and front push forward just before landing to grab the prey.

It's a precision strike - anything less would lose our prey. 

This is just another example of cats' superiority to humans. Powerful muscles, amazing control, precision and power..... ours, not theirs.

• More examples of feline superiority here.
  
  

 

Stand up for rescue cats - feigned sleep stress

This cat is not asleep. Rescue cats that pretend to sleep like this one are highly stressed. But humans often do not recognise this. They describe the cat as "quiet" or "shy."

If you look carefully at this video you will see that the cat has its ears lowered, a sign of fear. Its back is humped not relaxed. And it turns its head away from the human videoing it - another sign of fear. It also blinks rapidly.

Feigned sleep is found in rescue catteries and among wild animals in zoos. Humans do not recognise it. It is a sign of chronic stress and unhappiness.

This cat needs help. It needs a box to hide in and if it has one it will be more likely to come out and look around, knowing that it can retreat if need be. No rescue cat should be without a privacy area.

If a privacy area doesn't help enough, then it needs fostering in a home.

Stand up for rescue cats. Pass this information on.

Stand up for cats in rescue.... hideaways

Cats in a rescue shelter or a vet's surgery need a hideaway. They shouldn't be left without privacy, on a shelf being stared at by passing humans. Staring is very intimidating to us cats.

If we have somewhere to hide, we feel happier about coming out to interact with humans. And then we are more likely to be adopted.

So why don't humans give us a hiding place? Because they don't think like a cat. And they don't bother to find out what we need or read up on the topic.

It doesn't cost much. There is an excellent Feline Fort which should be in every vet surgery. It's got a perch and a hiding place. And for rescue shelters who have too little money, a box will do just as well.

Better still, it can go to the new home with the cat, so that the new home has a bed with a familiar smell. Smell matters.

Educate your local rescue....

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• For more information on human management techniques buy this book here.
  

We are reclaiming the streets...

 Humans are beginning to learn their place in life - in the kitchen with a large pile of food envelopes. Then ready to provide a warm lap for a nap after our meal.
Meanwhile we are reclaiming the streets.  The horrible roaring machines that terrify us and are so destructive, with their revolting smells, are few in number. The irritating human pedestrians tottering along on two feet in ridiculous high heels are no longer interfering with our street patrols.
We have taken back the streets from them.
We can loll where we like. Investigate where we choose. Stroll along without worrying about traffic. Sit in contemplation without some human idiot wanting to interrupt our contemplation.
Learn from us, humans. 
Cats are everywhere... purrhaps this is the beginning of a happier, more serene, feline world.  

• For advice on managing your human get this book here. 

Human panic and cat freedom.

We outdoor cats are so lucky. Unlike our humans we go outdoors on long hunting expeditions like Sam in this video.
They can't
This week they tried to stop us going out. According to the media, the British Veterinary Association ruled that all cats should stay indoors. We mounted an online feline protest. The BVA website crashed. And then - surprise, surprise - they bowed to feline internet power.
Their advice was modified... You can read it here.
Now they admit that it is only cats in households with Covid 19 that should be kept indoors. 
Purrsonally I think it's a typical human fuss. The chances of picking up the virus from my fur are nil -- I refuse to be picked up or cuddled by strangers.
So humans, listen up. You cannot catch the virus directly from your cat..... 
I am a cat and I go where I choose.

• To learn more about idiotic humans buy my book here.

Feline plot failure

Larry the British Top Cat was within a whisker of political triumph last week. 
Larry, a master feline manipulator, is at the centre of British government (Number 10 Downing St) having seen off three human prime minsters. But he has been plagued by a mongrel dog who has been power sharing with him.
The Times claimed that Dilyn the dog was on the way out. The reason?
The pregnancy of Carrie Symonds, partner of Britain's fertile Prime Minster Boris Johnson. Human females find pregnancy long and difficult and only give birth to one kitten at a time. Pathetic, compared with our litters. As a result humans are paranoid about pregnancies.
So a clever bit of fake mews was put out by Larry supporters who feel he needs Number 10 to himself. Dylin was a danger to the pregnancy and would go.
We cats don't care much for human kittens which are noisy, leak at both ends, and very late developers.  But the absence of Dilyn would have made up for a lot.
Alas, the plot failed. Dylin stays...
 

• If you want to know more about coping with human babies read my book here

Poetry in motion - the cat walk

This is the cat walk. Watch the purrfect co-ordination of our four legs. We walk on our toes. We move both legs on one side of the body before the legs on the other side. 
But the legs on either side do not hit the ground at the same time, so that most of the time three legs are still on the ground. So our gait is both fluid and stable.
Unlike the ungainly two legged gait of humans. As a famous human writer admitted "Four legs good: two legs bad."
As for their feet.... almost useless toes on a flattened large pad. Pathetic.

• For more about ungainly humans get my book here.

Feline evolutionary superiority.

Cats are the highest life form, superior beings. We have climbed to the top of the tree of life. And this useful diagram shows our superiority. 
Just below cats come humans, laughingly self-styled Homo Sapiens, and just below them (only just) the big apes. We are above all these.
What other mammal has the wit to be dominant over humans? To populate the whole world, including islands were humans cannot or do not exist? To be equally at home in the wild, as in domestic life? 
Share this image to other cats.... Spread the word that felines will be around long after humans have vanished. 

• For more details of our superiority order my book here.

Radiators versus woodburners

This time of year heat is vital to stop cats shivering through the winter. Blow-heaters ruffle the fur unpleasantly. Electric fires usually give out heat above the carpet. Radiators and wood burning stoves are more acceptable.
Both have advantages and disadvantages.
Radiators allow one to soak up heat through the belly by lying underneath. Oddly enough, humans never do this and therefore they have designed radiators that are too small for lying-down humans. Radiators, however, are the ideal size for cats.
There is one major problem. They stop working at night when it is coldest and mean minded humans also turn them off during the day, while they are "at work." No wonder so many of us stroll down the road looking for a human that keeps the heat on all day.
Wood burners are usually lighted up only in the evenings, when our humans return. But even when no more wood is added, they stay warm for hours right into the early morning. They also make interactive TV for kittens like Blossom (above).
Ideal homes, like mine, have both.

 

•  For more mewsings on humans order my book here.

Purrlease.... don't put out the cat.

It's cold and miserable and damp in Britain. And what do some old fashioned humans do? They lock us out of the house, away from warm beds and central heating.
No wonder that some of us leave home or just follow some friendly stranger in the hope that they will let us into their house.This time of year it is too wet and cold for a cat to be left outside.
Besides, night time is the most dangerous time for cats. We get dazzled by car lights and then run over by cars. We get attacked by foxes or stray dogs or (in the US) coyotes.
So don't do it, humans.


 
Still time to order you copy of my book here. 

Walls and fencing - human barriers versus cat barriers

Walls, and fencing are cat highways. As every cat knows. They allow us to travel from house to house along the back of a street. They form useful refuges from passing dogs. And they generally make life easier for urban cats.
Yet the joke is that humans think they are barriers.
They put up walls to keep people and dogs out and some are silly enough to think they will keep us out. Just the reverse. They facilitate our movements.
The real cat walls and fencing are scent marks. We leave a scent mark to tell other cats WHERE and WHEN we were. They can choose whether to enter shared territory or stay away. 
Humans do not understand this because they are nose blind. 
And just stoopid. 


Read more on human stupidity by buying my guide here

Human presumption and feline punishment....

Naturally the human publishers are anxious to stay on the right side of their best selling feline author. They sent me a package of expensive goodies. Very correct. Very pleasing.
Unfortunately, they did not check in advance about what I would like to eat... They presumed. As humans do.
I felt their presumption needed a punishment.
I gobbled up the expensive wet cat food fast. Then I felt slightly ill.
Then I threw it up on the new carpet.



* For more detail on how to maximise the impact of throwing up order a copy of A Cat's Guide to Humans, here.

Human failure - my paws won't type

There will be a gap in this blog, because I cannot use my paws to type. My secretary Celia is going away and without her, I cannot blog. Her absence is extremely irritating.
However my young nephew, called George as a tribute to myself, is trying to teach himself to type. Like me he has studied human behaviour at degree level and is currently finishing his MSc thesis, Human behaviour: a meta review of current studies in feline-human interaction. He is also rewriting the thesis as a general book to help cats understand their human. The title will be A Cat's Guide to Humans: from A-Z.
In the meantime, I am silenced by lack of human fingers. Very irritating indeed. Sometimes I think it is time I passed on this blog to a younger feline.