Follow by Email

Showing posts with label human stupidity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label human stupidity. Show all posts

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Stand up for cats in rescue.... hideaways

Cats in a rescue shelter or a vet's surgery need a hideaway. They shouldn't be left without privacy, on a shelf being stared at by passing humans. Staring is very intimidating to us cats.
If we have somewhere to hide, we feel happier about coming out to interact with humans. And then we are more likely to be adopted.
So why don't humans give us a hiding place? Because they don't think like a cat. And they don't bother to find out what we need or read up on the topic.
It doesn't cost much. There is an excellent Feline Fort which should be in every vet surgery. It's got a perch and a hiding place. And for rescue shelters who have too little money, a box will do just as well.
Better still, it can go to the new ho
me with the cat, so that the new home has a bed with a familiar smell. Smell matters.
Educate your local rescue....


  • For more information on human management techniques buy this book here.

Saturday, May 09, 2020

We are reclaiming the streets...

 Humans are beginning to learn their place in life - in the kitchen with a large pile of food envelopes. Then ready to provide a warm lap for a nap after our meal.
Meanwhile we are reclaiming the streets.  The horrible roaring machines that terrify us and are so destructive, with their revolting smells, are few in number. The irritating human pedestrians tottering along on two feet in ridiculous high heels are no longer interfering with our street patrols.
We have taken back the streets from them.
We can loll where we like. Investigate where we choose. Stroll along without worrying about traffic. Sit in contemplation without some human idiot wanting to interrupt our contemplation.
Learn from us, humans. 
Cats are everywhere... purrhaps this is the beginning of a happier, more serene, feline world.  

  • For advice on managing your human get this book here


Saturday, April 11, 2020

Human panic and cat freedom.

We outdoor cats are so lucky. Unlike our humans we go outdoors on long hunting expeditions like Sam in this video.
They can't
This week they tried to stop us going out. According to the media, the British Veterinary Association ruled that all cats should stay indoors. We mounted an online feline protest. The BVA website crashed. And then - surprise, surprise - they bowed to feline internet power.
Their advice was modified... You can read it here.
Now they admit that it is only cats in households with Covid 19 that should be kept indoors. 
Purrsonally I think it's a typical human fuss. The chances of picking up the virus from my fur are nil -- I refuse to be picked up or cuddled by strangers.
So humans, listen up. You cannot catch the virus directly from your cat..... 
I am a cat and I go where I choose.


  • To learn more about idiotic humans buy my book here.

Saturday, March 14, 2020

Feline plot failure

Larry the British Top Cat was within a whisker of political triumph last week. 
Larry, a master feline manipulator, is at the centre of British government (Number 10 Downing St) having seen off three human prime minsters. But he has been plagued by a mongrel dog who has been power sharing with him.
The Times claimed that Dilyn the dog was on the way out. The reason?
The pregnancy of Carrie Symonds, partner of Britain's fertile Prime Minster Boris Johnson. Human females find pregnancy long and difficult and only give birth to one kitten at a time. Pathetic, compared with our litters. As a result humans are paranoid about pregnancies.
So a clever bit of fake mews was put out by Larry supporters who feel he needs Number 10 to himself. Dylin was a danger to the pregnancy and would go.
We cats don't care much for human kittens which are noisy, leak at both ends, and very late developers.  But the absence of Dilyn would have made up for a lot.
Alas, the plot failed. Dylin stays...
 

  • If you want to know more about coping with human babies read my book here

Friday, February 14, 2020

Poetry in motion - the cat walk

This is the cat walk. Watch the purrfect co-ordination of our four legs. We walk on our toes. We move both legs on one side of the body before the legs on the other side. 
But the legs on either side do not hit the ground at the same time, so that most of the time three legs are still on the ground. So our gait is both fluid and stable.
Unlike the ungainly two legged gait of humans. As a famous human writer admitted "Four legs good: two legs bad."
As for their feet.... almost useless toes on a flattened large pad. Pathetic.


  • For more about ungainly humans get my book here.

Saturday, February 01, 2020

Feline evolutionary superiority.

Cats are the highest life form, superior beings. We have climbed to the top of the tree of life. And this useful diagram shows our superiority. 
Just below cats come humans, laughingly self-styled Homo Sapiens, and just below them (only just) the big apes. We are above all these.
What other mammal has the wit to be dominant over humans? To populate the whole world, including islands were humans cannot or do not exist? To be equally at home in the wild, as in domestic life? 
Share this image to other cats.... Spread the word that felines will be around long after humans have vanished. 


  • For more details of our superiority order my book here.

Friday, January 10, 2020

Radiators versus woodburners


This time of year heat is vital to stop cats shivering through the winter. Blow-heaters ruffle the fur unpleasantly. Electric fires usually give out heat above the carpet. Radiators and wood burning stoves are more acceptable.
Both have advantages and disadvantages.
Radiators allow one to soak up heat through the belly by lying underneath. Oddly enough, humans never do this and therefore they have designed radiators that are too small for lying-down humans. Radiators, however, are the ideal size for cats.
There is one major problem. They stop working at night when it is coldest and mean minded humans also turn them off during the day, while they are "at work." No wonder so many of us stroll down the road looking for a human that keeps the heat on all day.
Wood burners are usually lighted up only in the evenings, when our humans return. But even when no more wood is added, they stay warm for hours right into the early morning. They also make interactive TV for kittens like Blossom (above).
Ideal homes, like mine, have both.

 
  •  For more mewsings on humans order my book here.

Friday, December 06, 2019

Purrlease.... don't put out the cat.

It's cold and miserable and damp in Britain. And what do some old fashioned humans do? They lock us out of the house, away from warm beds and central heating.
No wonder that some of us leave home or just follow some friendly stranger in the hope that they will let us into their house.This time of year it is too wet and cold for a cat to be left outside.
Besides, night time is the most dangerous time for cats. We get dazzled by car lights and then run over by cars. We get attacked by foxes or stray dogs or (in the US) coyotes.
So don't do it, humans.


 
Still time to order you copy of my book here. 

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Walls and fencing - human barriers versus cat barriers

Walls, and fencing are cat highways. As every cat knows. They allow us to travel from house to house along the back of a street. They form useful refuges from passing dogs. And they generally make life easier for urban cats.
Yet the joke is that humans think they are barriers.
They put up walls to keep people and dogs out and some are silly enough to think they will keep us out. Just the reverse. They facilitate our movements.
The real cat walls and fencing are scent marks. We leave a scent mark to tell other cats WHERE and WHEN we were. They can choose whether to enter shared territory or stay away. 
Humans do not understand this because they are nose blind. 
And just stoopid. 


Read more on human stupidity by buying my guide here

Saturday, September 28, 2019

Human presumption and feline punishment....

Naturally the human publishers are anxious to stay on the right side of their best selling feline author. They sent me a package of expensive goodies. Very correct. Very pleasing.
Unfortunately, they did not check in advance about what I would like to eat... They presumed. As humans do.
I felt their presumption needed a punishment.
I gobbled up the expensive wet cat food fast. Then I felt slightly ill.
Then I threw it up on the new carpet.



* For more detail on how to maximise the impact of throwing up order a copy of A Cat's Guide to Humans, here.



Friday, April 26, 2019

Human failure - my paws won't type

There will be a gap in this blog, because I cannot use my paws to type. My secretary Celia is going away and without her, I cannot blog. Her absence is extremely irritating.
However my young nephew, called George as a tribute to myself, is trying to teach himself to type. Like me he has studied human behaviour at degree level and is currently finishing his MSc thesis, Human behaviour: a meta review of current studies in feline-human interaction. He is also rewriting the thesis as a general book to help cats understand their human. The title will be A Cat's Guide to Humans: from A-Z.
In the meantime, I am silenced by lack of human fingers. Very irritating indeed. Sometimes I think it is time I passed on this blog to a younger feline.

Saturday, April 13, 2019

Humans snore SO loudly!

Dear George, 
My humans are snoring - one louder than the other. I wonder if this might be a frightening medical condition and if it is ... should I call an ambulance? What should I do? Last night I had to sleep on a chair (as you can see in the photo) because their snoring was greatly disrupting my sleep. Their noise was interfering with my purring rhythm. Terrible. Complely out of sync.
I should move them down to the basement! What do you think?  Maybe I’ll move my dad first as my mummy is not that bad! Actually, most nights we have fun together playing on that screen with moving little arrows or little bugs or mice! Hmm! 
Yes, I should keep her upstairs! How do I move him to the basement?
Sleepless across the pond
CAT Victoria 

Dear CAT Victoria,
You have highlighted one of the insoluble problems of letting humans share your upstairs bed. When they snore the noise is horribly loud and upsets our natural slumbers. Of course, the best way to deal with this is to move the human off our bed and make it sleep on the sofa downstairs. Or even on the floor - I'd have thought that sleeping under a radiator would be quite cosy.
Instead, what usually happens is that we have to leave and go to sleep elsewhere. It's one of the disadvantages of keeping such a gigantic pet. I don't think calling an ambulance is a good idea. You don't want a lot of beefy men in high viz jackets barging into your home and interrupting your sleep. Better do what you are doing and sleep downstairs.
The other possibility is that when the snoring starts up, you jump on the human's midriff. However, some humans then just do a HUGE rolling snort (that I cannot reproduce here) when they wake up and then simply turn over and go back to normal snoring.
Sorry not to be more helpful.
Yours
George.
PS. Some humans claim we cats snore but that is definitely fake news.

Saturday, March 02, 2019

Of cats, harnesses and leashes



Dear George,
I truly believe that just like humans some cats are more adventurous than others. Why am I saying this? Well, I read on your blogs few letters written by really courageous and adventurous cats. But, hiking trekking, surfing or skateboarding along my humans definitely it’s not my cup of tea so to speak! You see, when I’ve adopted my humans they came with baggage: two human kittens and a dog. In the meantime the human kittens grew and went away to university but my humans still need to walk Bella (the dog) at least twice a day. Lately my “mama” start talking about having me on a harness and leash so I can join them walking Bella! Are they out of their mind? No! No! No! I have as much desire to walk the dog as I have to reach the summit on Mount Kilimanjaro! 
Actually my only desire right now is to take a nap in a sunny spot in my backyard garden! So George, how do I make it clear to my humans that I’m not a dog and, definitely I don’t fancy myself in a harness or leash! Phew! Unbelievable!
Yours,
FiFi

Dear Fifi, 
I so agree, Fifi. We are not dogs - grovelling and deferential animals who look up at humans and follow their commands. This just one of the many human delusions that we have to fight against. And it is very difficult to get the message through to them.
If they advance towards you with a harness, run and hide under the bed. If they pick you up with the idea of putting it on, wriggle hard and run and hide under the bed. If they hold you down and put the harness on you, run and hide under the bed. Refuse to come out for several hours. With luck, they will realise that you are not going to tolerate this senseless human behaviour.
A Siamese acquaintance of mine let her humans "train" her to a harness. They decided to take her and their caravan to Greece. On Brindisi docks, they let her out of the caravan in her harness and a sudden noise freaked her out. She wriggled free and nobody has ever seen her again. A warning to all cats not to let humans treat them like dogs.
Yours
George

Tuesday, January 08, 2019

Normal service will be resumed on Saturday.

Due to my secretary's shameful absence of mind (she told me I had given her too much work to do), last Saturday's blog entry did not take place. As loyal readers know, I tried to use a computer when I was a kitten (see photo above).
But my paws could not cope with the keyboard, so I am reliant on my human to type.
She let me down.
Yours
 George.
PS. I shall pee on her pillow.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Can my human infect me?


Dear George,
Looking at the picture attached you might be horrified thinking of the worst scenario but, please take a deep breath and relax …as I am okay! The little “chair on wheels” is not for me…it is for my human auntie who is a stubborn eccentric! I told her many times to be careful when walking outside on an icy road! I told her that not only she doesn’t use all her limbs to walk …she’s using just two of them and she doesn’t have proper claws – humans’ claws are so brittle! I told her that her high heel boots are not proper claws and don’t give same grip as our twenty-two claws! Did she listen to me? Of course not!
She went out on stilettos, slipped, fell and broke one leg! Who’s suffering now? ME!
Because she needs to stay at my place now, take over my room and bed while I’m being left with this little thing that moves around (if you push it)! The cast on her leg freaks me out and I’m too mad at her to share the bed. I’d gladly “unpunish” my mommy and share the master bedroom but she’s coughing and sneezing! I don’t know what’s wrong with humans but my question to you George is: what are the chances for us cats to catch a cold from a human?
In distress,
Shumba

Dear Shumba,
Another example of Two Legs Bad, Four Legs Good. No wonder they fall down, as they totter about with only two legs, no proper claws to grip the ground when unsteady, and without that miraculous feline balance which allows us to walk along narrow fences without falling. As for high heels ... the sheer stupidity of humans takes my breath away. 
That said, the wheelchair makes quite a good cat chair for you! So it's not all bad news.
Can you catch a cold from your human? There are one or two cold of flu viruses which humans can pass on to us but this doesn't happen very often. Most of the time when we start sneezing or coughing, we have caught a cat virus not a human one. Every now and again excitable humans get worried about catching flu from us: that's not impossible but it's not very likely.  Most of the time we don't share the same cold and 'flu viruses.
Just make sure she doesn't run you over when she is using those wheels!
Yours
George
 

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Of humans, cats and exercise!

Dear George,
I’m totally puzzled by the amount of money, time and attention humans spend on such “non-sense” as exercise or work-out (if you wish)! I look at my human mommy and wonder about her sanity! She gets the latest fashionable sport gears, she’s getting up at 6 in the morning to run her 3k like a maniac, she’s obsessed with cardio, aerobic, yoga, etc. – you name it and she’ll be right on! I no longer know what to make of her! I really think I like my human daddy better! Not that he’s lazy but he doesn’t do all these crazy things! I think he’s a great cat at heart! George, my problem is: how do I convince my mommy that following the cats’ path to wellbeing is better and safer that the crazy things she does now!  How do I convince her that getting up late, being late for work, staying in bed with me and just doing the stretch I do (see the photo attached) is much more fun and much safer than running outside in cold weather! So much more joyful and peaceful!
Are most humans actually incarnated dogs? Definitely dogs will do these crazy things!

Puzzled, lazy but… happy
Stanley

Dear Stanley,
Humans would be so much happier if they imitated us cats. We know how to relax and we also know how to minimize effort (which isn't quite the same thing!). And we don't spend money on sports clothing. Indeed, we are purrfectly happy even though we don't spend money at all. Not a cent. Not a penny.
How do you convince a human to slow down? Impossible, I fear. They are a restless species unable to lead a sensible life. My latest book, 100 Ways to be More Like Your Cat, (alas published under the name of my human pet, Celia, and available here) tries to bet through to humans. But I don't think it working.
Yours gloomily
George
PS. Don't get me started on dogs and their craziness.
-->

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Cats in books - and how to make an affirmation board

Dear George,
I’d like to share some good news and some not so good!
Good news: I took up reading! I had to since my human pets are avid readers and like to cozy up with a book by my side! One on each side. 
Not so good:  I have to stay put…sometimes for hours! I know they need my emotional and physical support but sometimes I feel like a book holder – holding a book for each!
At the beginning I was like “OK! I’m killing time…so I was napping! But after a while I started browsing through their books and I must admit I found interesting things!
Interesting sayings! Words of wisdom! I’ll share some: “The purity of a person’s heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals” - Anonymous or “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated” – Mahatma Gandhi
“I’ve met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior” –Hippolyte Taine or “I’m fond of pigs! Dogs look up to us! Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals” – Sir Winston Churchill.
And my favorite of all: “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats” – Anonymous! Isn’t this great wisdom?
George, I’d like to make a “daily affirmation” board for my human pets! How do I make it? Any suggestions? Ah! So, so inspirational!
Hmm! I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by my own ideas …I think I’ll take a nap for now!  
“If you want to write, keep cats.” – Aldous Huxley
Chico

Dear Chico,
I have made an affirmation board for myself out of a bedroom door. If it is shut, I go into creative mode and run my claws downwards and slantwise. This results in interesting affirmative patterns which inspire me to  artistic further effort. My human, however, has no artistic taste and dislikes these intensely. However, they have inspired her to leave the door half open most of the time. (This means it swings so I cannot add to my art). 
Try it, Chico. The path of a feline artist is a lonely one. But maybe your humans are more creative than mine. 
Yours 
George.
PS. Love the quotes.
PPS. Maybe wallpaper would make a good affirmation board.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Blowing a kiss to the cat sitter - punishing humans for "holidays"

Dear George,
Yes, that’s true as you can see in the photo attached! But now I’m in big trouble and I need your help! My intention wasn’t to kiss my cat-sitter good-by, not at all….my intention was to punish my mommy who dared to go on a two week vacation without even asking me or getting my permission! 
See, my mommy rescued me 8 years ago as a kitten and she never went away …not even for a day! But she decided on the spare of the moment to fly across the pond and visit some relatives of hers. She let me home with this live-in cat-sitter, a friend of hers!
Well, considering that they were friends I tried every trick I knew to scare the sitter! I even pretended I ran away from home but in reality I was hiding under a bush in my neighbor’s backyard! I must admit I was delighted to see this lady panicking, calling my name, going from door to door! You might wonder why I did all this! Well I did just to scare my cat-sitter enough to report to my mommy and hoping that….after all this mommy will never ever go away! The cat-sitter is really a nice lady but she didn’t tell mommy anything! 
And that’s why I’m in trouble now; mommy thinks I behaved and I’m a good girl, the cat-sitter thinks I don’t like her and she’ll never come back and in the meantime I’m being left empty paws….no promises from anybody! George, how do I mend my relationship with the cat-sitter?  And most importantly how do I punish my mommy? She must be punished! Must be!
Yours,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
It's the principle of it, isn't it! How dare humans neglect their duty in this way. Going away on a "holiday" is just not acceptable to us cats. No matter how pleasant the cat sitter, no matter how good the service,  the absence of trained staff is always disruptive.
It could be worse. I get put in a prison cell sometimes for as long as a fortnight. A whole 14 days of sitting surrounded by stranger cats, nothing to do, no familiar humans, horrible smells. The only  thing that keeps me going is planning how to punish my human when I get out.
The so called "silent treatment", refusing to interact at all, is what  I aim at. I  don't rub against them. I don't purr. I move away if they try to pet me. I sleep on the spare be at night. If I have sufficient control, I refuse to eat in front of them, waiting to scoff it down during the early hours. And if a stranger visits, I smother the with affection in contrast to my cold distance towards my humans.
Believe me it works. They get ridiculously upset. Try it.
Yours 
George

Saturday, July 07, 2018

The tail... what does it mean/ Can humans read it?

Dear George, 
I need your help in finding a common language with my human.
She is pretty smart and she did learn fast cat language but, for whatever reason she is quite stubborn when comes to “tail language”.  She doesn’t understand that we are way more sophisticated than dogs and we also “communicate” with our eyes, face, tail, body, etc. She takes the simplistic approach just like a dog!
At times she makes me think I’m training a dog not a human! I’m sure you’ll agree with me that cat tail wagging can mean so many different things! For example: when she calls me, unlike a dog who would be happy to come when called, I like to take my time and analyze “the call” – is it worth my time getting up? Is it about food? Or she just wants company? But, she doesn’t understand that because she doesn’t speak cat tail language!
So, she comes running throughout the house looking for me everywhere and disturbing my quietude! 
George, can you help?
Katho

Dear Katho,
Humans don't understand tails at all. Why should they? They don't even have one, poor mutilated things. So reading a tail, by which we can express so much, is beyond most of them.
Tail language, of course, is obvious to us. There is TAIL UP, a sign that we like the person we are approaching. We're flagging it up, as we walk towards them, as a sign of greeting and liking. 
Then there is BUSHY TAIL. That's just the opposite. Our hair is literally standing up with rage.  At about the same time, our tails are usually going up, then sort of drooping down to cover our backside if we get in a fight.
There's LASHING TAIL.  This is clear too. It says, "I do not like this. Stop it. Or I may bite you." LASHING TAIL is also part of our hunting procedure. We stop, eye the mouse, stalk and then lash the tail as a kind of balancing movement before the pounce.
What else? Well there is just TAIL MIDMAST.  That's the relaxed tail just hanging out more or less in line with our bodies, when we are just relaxed about about life in general.
But how are you going to get this across to her? Most humans can't red their at all. Write to me again if you have found a way.
Yours 
George.

Saturday, April 07, 2018

Cats can talk.... but I don't bother.

Dear George,
Do you bother to speak with your human? I don't. I communicate in the proper feline way - rubbing, up-tail greeting, belly flop and body postures.
But I don't miaow...
It isn't really natural for me to make that particular noise. I mean, other than Siamese breeds, we don't do a lot of noisy talk between ourselves when we are adults. We are silent most of the time.
Humans yatter to us all the time - blah, blah, blah. I have wondered if they actually have some kind of language or whether these are just meaningless noises to get our attention. 
What's your view on this?
Silent Sid.

Dear Sid,
I strongly believe that there is some kind of language used by humans in their noisy vocalisations. They must mean something, otherwise they wouldn't go on so much. But feline research, even by experts like me, has so far drawn a blank. 
They can't use body language properly. They have no tails or movable whiskers, for one thing. They are nose blind, so they cannot use scent. Therefore it makes sense that they vocalise instead. I have noticed that my human pet, Celia, responds quite well if I miaow. So I use it to get her attention when I want feeding. Might be worth your while to try it. 
Or perhaps you have trained her silently so long that it's not worth the effort.
Yours
George.
PS. Celia did a video on this which can be seen here.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org