Friday, March 26, 2010

Why must humans have kittens of their own?

Dear George,

I do not understand why humans want to have kittens of their own when they have us!

What’s wrong with them? Isn’t serving and loving us sufficient? My humans decided to have a kitten without even asking me! One day I came home and there was this little cry that scared the hack out of me!

Now, I must admit that he is a cute kitten! So cute that he could pass as one of mine. The human kitten is 1 ½ year old now and thinks I’m his mother or something. He tries to kiss me or sleep on me (as you can see in the picture) or feed me. He scares me big time as he screams (with joy) each time he sees me.

I have mixed feelings! I can re-home myself across the street with an elderly couple. I live (on and off) with them for almost 1 year now. My female human is really upset. They want me back home but …..if I come back …I want their full attention.

George, what should I do? Move back home and embrace this kitten as one of mine?

Maybe you or other cats can share some tricks on how to deal with human kittens?



Dear Trixy,
Most good human owners wish they could neuter and spay their humans. In any cat-human relationship it becomes clear that humans are slave to their sexual urges. They do it all the time. Only a sensible programme of one-off birth control - snip and spay as I call it - will do the trick. Alas, though they can do it to us, we can't do it to them. Our only possibility is to purrsuade them to go ahead and choose neutering or its human equivalent (a choice which they don't allow us).
It is mystery to me why humans should opt for human kittens in the first place. Children are no substitute for cats. They are born bald, completely helpless, without whiskers (these only grow on maturity or old age), and they cannot walk for months and months. Compared with proper kittens, they are (to speak frankly and without being politically correct) retarded. There is simply no comparison but I am afraid we just have to put up with their funny and unintelligent ways...
Should you move back home with the human kitten? No, but visit at meal times. There is no reason why you should not have two homes. Lots of humans do this. Treat the elderly couple as your home for sleeping, quiet contemplation and normal meals. Pop back to your original home for a second round of meals and a little interaction with the human kitten. Two timing humans is fun for cats.
Speaking of neutering, I have been told (not sure how accurate it is) that some of the Japanese and Chinese comments being put on this blog are sexual. As a cat that has had the snip (unlike my irresponsible owners now luckily too old for reproduction) I am concerned about this. So for the time being - until I can find a Japanese or Chinese cat to translate comments for me - comments that I cannot understand will have to be rejected. Many apologies for any Japanese or Chinese mewing cats out there, whose comments cannot be shown.
Love George
PS. Ways to get away from human kittens include pet gates on the stairs (you can go up: they can't) and crates which are nice places to sit as they can't get in.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Why do my humans think they know best? They don't.

Dear George,
There is a rumour going around that rabbits like to get up early. I don't know how it started - probably by my distant country relatives who have to find their own food. They can dash about in the early hours as much as they like but I like my snooze time. I like a very slow awakening.
I ignore my family when they come downstairs and start their human chatter. "Good morning Harve." No, it's not good. It's early. "Where are you, Harve?" Where do you think I am at 7.30am? In bed! "Are you hiding, Harve?" No, I've left home. Go away.

And another thing, they're starting to persuade me to go outside for a run. I was picked up this morning and carried around the garden. "Look, Harve, a snowdrop!" So what? If a snowdrop wants to sit around in the cold garden, let it. "Look Harve, a birdie!" A birdie? Are they the things that have been eating my raisins all winter? Naturally, as soon as I was put down, I ran f
or home.
George, I am not a rabbit. I am a bun, a house bun. Which word don't they understand? How should I convince them I am simply a furry person with his own preferences in life?
Harvey the House Bunny,

Dear Harvey,
I am not sure about house rabbits but I know that wild rabbits like to get up early - dawn, preferably. It is one of the many reasons why I wake up my humans at 6 to 6.30am. They are sluggish pets that would prefer to doze longer, particularly on a Sunday. But I like to get up, have my breakfast served to me, sit on my copy of The Times (while they are reading it) for a quick chat with them, and then out through the cat flap for early morning hunting.
Of course, waking times apart, you raise a valid point. Why do humans think we are all the same. We cats, house rabbits and even those poor deluded dogs, are all individuals. Some of us like to rise bright and early, while others like a very good lllllooooonnnggg zzzzzzzzzzzz. There's something odd about the human inability to realise that one cat is not necessarily like another cat, or one house bunny like another house bunny. As you say, we have our own individual preferences.
Mind you, I think this hardly applies to humans. As a lower form of life, the apes, as Wicky Wuudler calls them, they need a sensible routine. We cats and you house rabbits cannot just let them go their own way. We should aim to install proper waking times (to suit our needs), sensible eating (with our share from the table), and times when they leave us alone. It's important not to respond to their attention seeking, as any human trainer knows. Make them earn our attention by good behaviour. I think it is called a Learn to Earn programme in human training circles. It takes time for dumb animals like humans to learn but they will eventually get it.
Love George

PS. If anybody reads Japanese would they tell me if the posts that I have enabled are OK. The script looks beautiful for me and i hope they are all funny cat comments. But I can't be sure. They might all be ads for viagra for all I know - which is my ignorance of a beautiful and cultured language. Very very reluctantly, I have decided I dare not add comments which I do not understand just in case this blog is littered with obscenities (despite being run by a neutered cat). Please forgive me. English is welcome, though.

Monday, March 08, 2010

OSCAR SNUGGLES, KING OF TIDEWATER, August 25, 1994 – March 5, 2010

Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater, has died after a long and happy life.
Readers of this blog will recall his interesting and thoughtful comments on the human-cat relationship. His full obituary, where messages of sympathy can be left, is on his family's blog:

Oscar Snuggles and Emmie Sweat Pea were two little kittens born out in the wild, but a loving, caring family had “adopted” their Mom, Mollie Moo Cat (she was white with gray markings that made her look like a cow). relationship.

Mollie had to check these people out thoroughly before she could trust her babies to them, but finally she decided they were good humans. So in late August 1994, Mollie brought both of her kittens and deposited them (on at a time) on the kitchen floor of this family she had decided to trust.

This was a perfect place; they put Mollie and her kittens in the bottom of the back hall linen closet. It was dark, quiet and safe. All three of these kitties etched their paw prints into this family’s heart. Mollie only survived about a year and she was killed out on the road. However, Sweat Pea and Oscar grew old with this family. Sweet Pea lived to be 12 years old and was lost the end of September, 2006, leaving Oscar Snuggles as the sole survivor of this little family that has been so loved by their humans.

Oscar Snuggles had recently been diagnosed with the beginning stages of kidney disease. The symptoms were there, but was being cared for with an adjusted diet and prescription meds. He had improved slightly. Friday morning he decided to cross the road and didn’t make. His family found him shortly after the ill-fated accident. This was his first attempt to explore outside his normal territory.

To say his family is heartbroken is an understatement. The tears are still flowing. He will be greatly missed. Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater will forever be this family’s little Buddy Cat. There will never be another kitty like him.

His family writes: "Oscar Snuggles was the best cat we have ever had. His nature was so sweet and gentle. Over the years we have had several wonderful cats, but Oscar is still at the top of the list. And always will be".

Friday, March 05, 2010

Vroom, vroom...

Dear George,

Yes! I know! I know! I hear you! I should be in a carrier while traveling! You are absolutely right! But I LOVE to ride a car! I didn’t know until we went to visit my

cousin Tzila. My mom was very much concerned about me being in a car for almost 6 hours and wanted to give me some pills to sleep. She was advised not to!

Instead she placed me in a carrier with toys and catnip and everything else, but once in the car I wanted out of that cage! I cried and cried until she let me out! And…to everybody’s surprise…..we discovered that I love to travel. I wished they had a small steering wheel just for me! I was SO ready for this….either driving or resting as you can see in the photos attached. George, even if you are not entertaining my idea of fun, I want your sincere opinion. Giving the fact that I love cars, I like speed, I love driving….do you think I should contact Ferrari or team-up with Schumaher?

Did you hear about other cats involved in Formula 1?

Love cruising


Dear Thea,
I am so impressed. In fact, I am dead envious. Most of us cats are absolutely terrified in the car and we just huddle in our cat boxes. I particularly like the way you have hung a cross to give you some protection. I am sure God takes special care of cats in cars, just like he notes the fall of a sparrow. I hope to see you on Top Gear, the UK motoring programme soon. I think you are a Ferrari girl at heart - that Italian style!
I am going to be a bit of a spoil sport, however, and tell you what happened to Fat Ada my predecessor - all the fault of my other caretaker, Ronnie. She was free in the car as he drove down a small Somerset lane. Unfortunately a particularly dizzy female driver coming in the opposite direction, scraped Ronnie's car. He lost his temper and leaped out of the car to give her a piece of his mind.
Ada leaped out too and disappeared into the hedge. Ronnie couldn't see her at all. But every five minutes or so he heard her give a plaintive and very frightened miaow. He tried burrowing into the hedge to look for her, knowing that Celia would never forgive him if he lost her altogether. No results except that bramble thorns tore at his bald patch. Then he tried calling her - even less of a result. Ada never came when called. She was almost semi-feral and took no notice of him and only a tiny bit of notice of Celia.
Finally down the road came an old couple with a Jack Russell terrier on a lead. "I'm looking for a cat" explained Ronnie. "Us'll sniff urn out," he said pointing the terrier in the direction of the hedge. And so it did. Ronnie burrowed back into the direction the terrier's nose had pointed, grabbed Ada who was (luckily) frozen immobile with fear, and put her back in the car.
Celia arrived two hours later and found both of them pick thorns out of their bodies. A narrow escape.
Love George
PS. Wonderful photos.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online