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Friday, October 15, 2010

My journey from victim of dysfunctional home to human trainer


Dear George,
I am on the brink of becoming a human trainer and I am eventually aiming to become a human behaviour counsellor like you with a B Sc in applied human behaviour. But learning about this species and putting the information into effect is a very steep learning curve for a cat who started life in a three-walled shed with an upturned dustbin full of straw as a home. The next 18 months in West Oxon Cats Protection gave me proper health care and regular meals, but I became disillusioned with the humans who came and stared at me, and my pen mate, Mini. I simply didn't want to adopt any of them. All of them preferred Mini and they would make wounding remarks about my dark fur and ugly looks as if I couldn't understand what they were saying.
Eventually I got so desperate that I settled on your secretary, Celia. I took over the two spare bedrooms and just lived under one of the beds for two months, emerging to use the litter tray in the other bedroom, and sometimes exploring the house at night. I didn't much care for Celia until by sheer chance I discovered I could train her to tickle my tummy. I have trained her to do this for half an hour at a time. But the woman wants to pick me up? How can I stop her doing this?
Yours anxiously
Miss Tilly Purr.

Dear Tilly,
A strong wriggle usually deals with the picking up obsession - an obsession shared by many humans. You have to understand - as your further education in human behaviour will help - that this species is desperate for our love. They are naked, awkward, and cat dependant. They seek the high of a cat cuddle and will go to any lengths to get it. Thes
e are human cat addicts. They can't help it. They are people who love cats too much.
If a wriggle doesn't work, try an Miaow rebuke. If that is not enough to deter her, scratch. If further measures are needed, bite. If the human holds you high up, go for the nose. It is an exquisitely sensitive organ (though hopeless for smelling) and a sharp nip there will really hurt.
Personally I am
out of all patience with my secretary. She got above herself and has been writing a book about cats. That is my job. I am the writer in the relationship but I fear her envious nature has prompted her to try to ruin my literary career. Worse still, I have only completed two chapters of my book while hers is now in the book shops.
She has stolen my title. The working title was
Humans Behaving Badly. Heaven knows, they do. Now I shall have to think of something else. I am considering stealing her thunder by using a picture of a naked human splayed across the floor in the same way as the kitten is on her book.
All in all I am in a very bad mood with her. I suggest you use strong measures and perhaps together we can put her in her place. Let's miaow, scratch, bite, and sneer as much as possible.

George

11 comments:

  1. Fluffy and CayenneOctober 16, 2010

    Miss Tilly Purr - Welcome on board!
    You are beautiful! Isn't Celia lucky?
    Just make sure you won't let her get away with murder. George has a soft spot for her!
    Love & hugs
    Fluffy & Cayenne

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  2. Welcome home Miss Tilly Purr!
    I know the feeling! I spent my first two years on the streets of a suburb and then few months in a shelter. I know the feeling to have a proper home and loving humans. I was scared too ....but time heals!
    Love
    Shumba

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  3. Sir WinstonOctober 16, 2010

    Miss Tilly Purr! My hat off to your beauty!
    I'm sure you'll have now a happy life.
    Sir Winston

    PS. My hat off to Celia too:-)

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  4. WOW! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
    Frederico

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  5. Miss Tilly Purr! You are smart and beautiful!
    Take over the entire house not only two spare bedrooms.
    Love
    Minnie

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  6. Ohhhh George!! You are our hero!

    Love, Lucky & Co.

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  7. You are so right, George. This picking up and cuddling used to bother me until I decided that joining them was easier and quicker than beating them and anyway I alwsys get a treat afterwards. So I have become a furry person instead of a fury bunny. Now and again, just to remind them of my roots I do a big poo in the middle of the floor as well as in my litter tray. That always puts them back in the picture. Maybe we rabbits are better at lateral thinking than cats. Otherwise my training sessions have worked pretty well as far rabbit behaviour goes.

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  8. Aha! Computer in coma for 4 days! Before that... 4 days that became a week vacation! And all this time...SHE (Celia, of course) was working on her book (actually stealing your book AGAIN).
    Oh! George, you are a hero! But Celia needs to be punished - hard! No mercy!
    Miss Tilly Purr you better become an excellent human trainer and put Celia in her place.
    Love
    Fluffy

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  9. George, just a suggestion! Finish your book but change the name to: "Celia, my secretary, behaving badly" and put her picture on the cover.
    She managed to sum up in her all humans bad behavior.
    Hugs
    Cayenne

    PS. Don't forget to bite that injured finger :-)

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  10. Miss Tilly Purr you are beautiful. Be patient it will take time to train your human.

    George, you just cracked me up. I know you won't like this, but is Celia's book on Amazon?

    P.S. I saw a big cat at the edge of our garden this evening, but he ran from me. Too bad, I'm easy to train

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  11. Miss Tilly Purr, I do admire your efforts in studying the behaviour of apes, but I believe it to be a mostly thankless and unending task. Thankless, because apes are generally thicker than several short planks and unending, because they never learn anything properly. I agree with George, just go for the bite if Celia insists on trying to pick you up. I hate being picked up unless I request it. I am generous with the bitey. The brighter apes understand the language of the fang.

    Don't be upset by the rude comments apes made about you when you were at WOCP. Apes have seriously under developed brains. It is simply impossible for them to have any aesthetic sense. This is why they attire everything with the lumpen epithets "boootiful" or "ugly" Most apes wouldn't know beautiful if it whapped them in the chops.

    I don't understand the title of Celia's book, cats cannot behave badly. Had Celia been partaking of the sherry when she thought of the title?

    Whicky Wuudler

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Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org