Dear George,I am becoming extremely concerned. One of my humans seems to have morphed into a new subspecies. It was a smallish retarded kitten taking years to learn how to walk, then becoming a chubbier version of its parents. But now it has shot up in size and its behaviour has changed. The excessive vocalisation of the normal human has changed to grunts. It has dermatological problems on its face - in a word, zits. And it spends hours in its room playing disgustingly loud music. It is also challenging the adults for a top place in the dominance hierarchy. Is there anything I can do to restore harmony in the home.
Love Riley
Dear Riley,
You have two alternatives - leave home or wait. In view of the fact that it is winter in the UK, I suggest the latter. We cats are good at waiting. We do it at mouseholes in order to get out daily meals if we live in the wild. All humans are retards compared with cats, but the teenager subspecies is particularly retarded. It is as if it has forgotten what it learned as a kitten.
The subspecies also has sex on its mind all the time. Yes, disgusting as it is, all the time. We cats wait till the females come into season before getting the mating urge. Teenagers have it all the time. Some of them call it "romance". But they are completely at the mercy of their hormones. The loud music has something to do with this but feline neuroscientists have not yet discovered exactly what is going on.
Avoid the teenager's territory. The room will probably smell awful anyway - of sweat and old socks if it is a male, or of revolting artificial perfume if it is a female. Why humans choose these overwhelming pheromones is beyond me. But I suppose it is something to do with the fact that they have a very poor sense of smell, poor things. We have about seven times as many olfactory cells and twice the olfactory membrane of Homo sapiens.
Goodness knows, Riley, humans are dumb creatures. But the teenage subspecies is even dumber. Hang on in there till summer
Love George
P.S. I have to stand and mew at Celia while she puts this on via the Orange dongle.
Riley, you need a good place to hide. Under the bed has always been a favorite place for my kitties, or in the top of the closet.
ReplyDeleteDear Riley,
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is too much you can do until the weather turns warm again. Moving house is a chore under the best circumstances: you have to find a likely human, inspect their food offerings, interview them many, many times to see if they are adept servants, inspect their food again, and then--the ultimate test to see if they will do or not--reject their food to see if they realize that your presence and condescension means it would behoove them to pony up with the good stuff. In the winter trying to initiate this process with, I don't know, the sweet little old lady down the way, would just be too trying and interrupt your schedule of sleeping on the heating vents and hogging the bedding. Perhaps if you pee all over the human teenager's stuff and cough up some hairballs on its clothing--especially if it is in a hurry getting ready to leave for an evening's participation in some disgusting adolescent mating ritual--it will become disillusioned and leave of its own accord. On the other hand, it sounds like such a mangy critter that it probably wouldn't notice the hairballs or the pee smell over its own many horrid odors, and ultimately fail to see that it is out of line. Maybe you can try reverse psychology: ingratiate yourself to your lead human team, eat your food with gusto, purr, whatever you have to do, and then after a while perhaps they will see that they are better off with you than with that smelly teenaged eating machine, and tell it to hit the bricks. Serving cats is rewarding. Serving humans, especially immature ones, is an exercise in futility. On the other paw, humans are pretty stupid, so it's a gamble. Keep us posted. Tail up, Riley.
Regards,
Puss-Puss.
Poor Riley. George is absolutely right, keep away from the teen, they are always trouble. Beware the variant on the standard teen called "emo". If your teen becomes emo, it will spend hours listening to whiny, slow & miserable music and staring sadly into the mirror wishing it were a)dead, b)a vampire or c)both a) & b). Emo teens tend to be very quiet and don't move about much. If the emo teen doesn't reek too much and isn't too skinny (and cold) then use their lap now and again for a nap. The emo teen loves a bit of one on one attention and will probably tell you many of its dark, boring, emo teen secrets. You can pretend to be interested by purring.
ReplyDeleteWhicky Von Wuudler
Does "emo" comes from "emotional"?
ReplyDeleteIf it does.....then stay away from such teenagers.
Trixy
Riley, hang on there; it will pass!
ReplyDeleteAsk me how was it when my human kitty had the music "blasting" while drinking milk with beer!
I think "something" makes their brain stop functioning until they reach "maturity".
Sometimes.......the brain is permanently damaged and they never reach maturity (even if they marry, have kids, jobs, etc) :-)
Riley, read my old letter about how I became a "Zen Cat". May be you can purr loud enough while meditating and ....may be the human kitty will think that's cool and follow your example!
ReplyDeleteTurning him into a "zen teen" will be your best revenge :-)
Love
Shumba
Lucky me! When I landed on these people's garden (from no where, you know) I landed right on the human kitty's lap! I never moved :-)
ReplyDeleteHe is great and I think he loves me more then he loves his human parents! But, this is our little secret.
Love
CAT Victoria
Riley, try to ignore him. Hide to not see his ugly face (eventually...he'll get better).
ReplyDeleteI'm fortunate to have two human kittens that love me. The younger one is allergic so he doesn't come too close to me, but he loves me.
The older one is by best buddy! He's 18 and we go hunting at night! We both leave around 10 pm and come back at wee hours.I hunt in the ravine behind the house. I didn't discover yet where is he hunting since we never met in the ravine. However, we meet at the front door around 4 am and both go to sleep (in his room) until noon.
Ain't life sweet?
Diego