Rules of cat ball games ...

George
I do find your advice so very comforting. What with being from Russia and used to moving in the highest circles, I am often at a loss to understand the customs in the house I now live in.
My latest problem is with ball games. My human hostess has been kind enough to provide me with these very nice snowballs (imitation, I know, but bless her, she’s trying her best.)
Now, I had always thought the rules of all ballgames are very clear: I sit on the table where the items are and knock each one carefully to the floor. My hostess then picks up the balls and replaces them, and we resume play until I tire of it. This is the right way to do it, n’est-ce pas?
Well, would you believe it, the Teenager who lives here doesn’t keep to these rules. He comes bouncing along and STEALS the balls when they are in play, hitting them all over the place and running along with them. He says he’s ‘dribbling’, which does not sound at all proper. Dribble he certainly does, and then rolls my nice white balls in the dust under the furniture. If the manservant can be bothered to retrieve them, they end up grubby.
I really don’t think this will do – dear George, what should I do?
Yours ever
Natasha


Dear Natasha,
Obviously the Teenager hasn't learnt the rules of cat ball games. Does he think he is a dog, perhaps? One of the differences between cats and dogs is that dogs play in groups. We don't. Well, the adult members of our species don't. We cats will play with humans but usually not with other cats. Your adolescent house companion is just failing to behave properly.
The solution is simple but does require you to exert your authority. Get your humans better organised. Your human hostess should continue playing with you, while the male manservant plays with the Teenager. This may have to occur in separate rooms, or, if the Teenager has some manners (and many adolescents don't) at either end of a largish room.
LIving with another cat is always tiresome.  Living with an adolescent cat is very tiresome indeed. The snowy weather is probably making the Teenager even worse than normal in his behaviour. If somehow he could be purrsuaded to get out a bit more and slaughter some wildlife, you could get on with playing your game with the hostess.
Yours with sympathy,
George 
PS. Harvey the House Rabbit has had issues with Google who claimed he was too young (at the age of 10) to write a blog. He is back at http://harvey-diaryofaninspirationalbunny.blogspot.co.uk/

Feline artist's model - I resent being dressed up

Dear George
What’s wrong with humans? Why are they so different than us? The other day my female human, who, by the way,  pretends to be an artist and keeps painting strange portraits of cats, asked me to be her muse for a portrait! Ugh! Well, not only that I resent staying still for long periods of time (because of her inabilities as an artist) but, I resent very much to be dressed up. Look at my photo with that horrible collar and you’ll understand! She had the guts to convince me that horrible thing it’s a “Victorian style collar”! Ha! As soon as I critiqued her knowledge and turned my back to her no-sense attempt of art she got really upset. I even thought for a moment that I won’t get any dinner.  Later that night  when she started being nice to me and rubbed my belly talking sweet talk I got really worried; I knew she’s up to something! Man, you can’t trust these humans!
Then I’ve seen what she was up to – take a look at my photo behind the bars!
George, is this a proof of her love or craziness?
Please help me understanding my human!

CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
The key to understanding any human is to realize that their species is a primitive life form.  They don't think like we do. They can't think like we do. Their brains are overloaded with unnecessary ideas, which in their arrogance they call "higher order thoughts." Actually, these are ridiculous thought forms that get in the way of a natural and adaptive life.
So, instead of getting on with her duties as a housekeeper to you, Victoria, your human is time-wasting with ideas about art. Regular delivery of cat food and belly rubbing (when she finally got round to it) are the activities that she should be concentrating on. But her absurd human brain has got in the way.
Art, though it may be a distraction from what matters in the cat-human relationship, is one thing. Dressing up cats is another. Yes, of course, it is crazy.
I have a theory that humans are so devastatingly envious of our natural coat of fur, that they sometimes cannot help themselves. They start dressing us up, in order to pretend to themselves that we look better in clothes.
We don't. Next time you see that damn collar coming anywhere near you, Victoria, hide under the bed. Or put your back up and strike out with all four claws. This human behaviour requires punishment.
Yours sympathetically
George

New Year

Dear George,

My name is Kiki and I’m an 11 years old aristocratic and cute girl. I’m generally speaking in good spirit and everybody spoils me as no one can resist my charms.

My family took a short vacation before Holidays (of course they came back to spend Christmas with me) and …..for the first time ever they left me with a cat-sitter at her place. Well, this cat-sitter (she is a family friend after all) got to my nerves and I didn’t really need any emotional up-set! Again…..generally speaking… I’m well balanced and calm as you can see in the photo attached but this woman was way too much for me!

Here is a short list of complains against this creature: she won’t let me sleep in her bed!  Yes, that’s true but I will never sleep on the floor or carpet so I had to sleep on a sofa in the living room. In the morning I will stretch waiting for her to rub my belly! What was she doing? She would say “good morning Kiki – such a glorious morning.” Who cares about the bloody morning if I won’t get my belly rubbed? Then ….she would have her coffee before she’ll serve me breakfast. Where on Earth did she learn her manners?

I think she’s nuts but can’t tell my family since they are friends. However, I made it my New Year’s Resolution to teach this “bad manners” cat-sitter proper manners!

So, dear George I need some good advice! What should I do? It seems that she enjoys being ignored so I won’t give her satisfaction but I don’t feel getting too close to her either. Should I shred her skin (maybe just a bit)? Should I bite her? How can I take revenge but teach her something?

Yours truly and lovely

Kiki

Dear Kiki,
Call her a cat sitter? More like Mrs Danvers in Rebecca (the movie) in my opinion. Of course, it is partly the fault of your pets.  What gives them the idea that they can leave you anyway? And why did they fail to leave proper instructions. A good human pet leaves the equivalent of a small booklet, taking the live in carer through every moment of the day. These are the topics that should be covered in depth:

• Food. Exactly when, how much, and any additions like sprinkles, treats, etc. It does no harm for the human slightly to expand the amount of food offered. As a gesture to make up for their irresponsibility in leaving you in the first place.
• Strict routine. All cats are fed first in the morning. Most human pets know this. It is essential not just because we like it, but because it helps keep the human in their proper place low down the pecking order. Cats eat first.
• Beds. Of course, it is not acceptable that you have to sleep on the sofa. She should sleep on the sofa. After all, it's your bed, not hers.
• Doors. Cats go through doors first.If you have a cat flap, the carer should nevertheless let you in and out by hand. It is part of proper human domestic duties.

These difficulties occur when untrained domestic servants are put in charge. A sharp nip or two might be in order but your aim is not to discipline or train this human. She is beneath your notice. What you do need to do, is to show your extreme displeasure and distress when your humans come home. 
Refuse to talk to them. Sit with your back to them. Ignore them. Give them the silent treatment for several days. They deserve it. If any visitors arrive, be all over them just to make the contrast more vivid.
You must feel a sense of having been let down badly. You were.
Better luck in the New Year.
George.

Stressed, unhappy and never off the litter tray... what's going on?

Dear George,  
I am a very troubled boy, and I hope that you can help me.

 I lived in a nice house with my human, and I liked it very much. I had all my things around me, direct access to the garden and I was very comfortable and relaxed there. It was my house – my home!

 Then about 8 weeks ago, there was lots of disruptions all my things were packed away and I was put in my cat basket and taken to another house – a strange house, with lots of strange smells…and none of them my comforting home smells. Obviously I was distressed by this and began meowing continuously to my human and pacing up and down the rooms. My human tried to comfort me by stroking me and talking softly to me. She also put down worn items of her clothing in different rooms so I could smell her everywhere around the house, but it still didn’t calm me.

 As the weeks went on my agitation grew and I just couldn’t settle. My agitation was made worse by the fact that we are now living in a flat, so I have to go out of my house and down a strange ‘shared’ corridor to get outside. And there is another cat who lives next door to us that uses the corridor too, and he didn’t take kindly to me using it and spat at me. Now I am even more upset. My human bought some Feliway plug ins, and whilst they calm me down for a while, my anxiety comes back.

 I have taken to using my litter tray constantly, sometimes as much as every ten minutes, which has given me a very sore and irritated bottom and I sometimes have a bit of blood in my urine. My human is very, very worried about me and doesn’t know where to turn.

 A few months before the move, I got lost for a number of weeks before I was found and re-united with my human. I was a rather traumatised from the experience, but soon settled down back in my home. So I don’t know if this has anything to do with my reaction now at the house move?

 Can you help me George and help my human to understand why I’m behaving like this and not settling down?

 Yours tearfully,

 Thomas.

Dear Thomas,
There is few things more upsetting to a cat than moving house. There you are settled and happy in your territory, when suddenly your pet human stuffs you in a cat box and turns you out into a strange new place. All the smells are wrong. You don't know where anything is. And it feels very very unsafe.
Most of us hide under the bed for a day or two. But some sensitive cats like you suffer from stress-induced illness. All that going to the litter tray is, I fear, a sign of cystitis. Vets (loathsome people) call it FIC, Feline Idiopathic Cystitis.  "Idiopathic" just means "we don't know the cause." But we cats do know the cause. It's stress due to house moving.
The earlier trauma of getting lost will not have helped. That must have been unsettling and probably also very frightening. Then this... poor Thomas. Even loathsome vets know that moving house is stressful for cats and can result in FIC.
Having to share the corridor with another strange cat (who hisses because he is frightened too) is another stress. Perhaps your humans could invest in a cat ladder letting you go outside from the window. Or put several cardboard boxes with entrances in them, where you can hide if the strange cat passes by. Or just keep you safely in the flat till you have recovered. My human's website has some suggestions for how to make indoor life more interesting for you.
Why humans insist on changing their territory is beyond my imagination.  They are a very insensitive species. Your letter makes me feel angry about their ridiculous behaviour.
They must reduce your stress and read the instructions at  http://www.catexpert.co.uk/cats/reasons-why-your-cat-feels-stressed-and-unhappy-and-what-to-do-about-them/
Yours with sympathy,
George.
PS. We hate vets but this is one time when you need their help.

Indecent? No cat can be indecent. That's human behaviour.

Dear George,
I know it’s been Halloween again and I’m black but I wasn't concerned about the dangers or “tricks or treats” but my human pets! I have less to complain about “her” since she is beautiful, good mannered and very well trained in responding positively to my demands but I’m quite fed-up with him! Over the years I was accused (by him) for many things such as peeing in the plants’ pots or stealing food or biting people but NEVER EVER was I accused of being indecent until now! The other day I was sunbathing when he came shouting that I was indecent! He is such a prude! George, you be the judge! I’m a senor, I’m 14 years old not a kitten anymore! Did I go topless? No! I know most people in Hollywood go topless, I heard even the royals! Did I take my coat off? No! Then, what was his problem? How was I indecent? I think he’s jealous of me. The truth is that I am better looking then him; I’m black, long hair, huge green eyes! Him? Fair skin, short, fair hair (almost no hair) and blue eyes! Phew! When I enter a room… people gasp! Him? Phew! He doesn’t realize that I am the Alpha Cat and he is a mere housekeeper! George what should I do? Ignore him or better…. fire him?

Choppy

Dear Choppy,
Insulting remarks about indecency are out of order. We cats have sex in season only. Humans are up for it every day, in and out of season. What's more they are naked without fur, except in areas which highlight their private bits. You look perfectly decent in the photo.  If he was lying naked on his back, that would be indecency..
Ignore him. This is a useful training tool for us cats. Give him the shunning treatment. Refuse to share the bed or sofa with him. If he sits beside you, get up ostentatiously and move away. If you choose to stay in the same room as him, turn your back on him at all times. Should you make eye contact, give a withering sneering look. We cats are usually good at this. No more nice cat for him!
At the same time smother your female pet with love. Purr on her and at her. Climb on to her lap. Give her little cat kisses.  Gaze adoringly. Play with her hair (if she likes that). Make little friendly noises. Roll on your back if she so much as glances your way.
The contrast in your behaviour will be hurtful to him. As it should be. Only relent when his behaviour has reformed.
These humans... who do they think they are?
George.

I'm a Bristol kitten - elite, special and very important indeed

Dear George,
I'm one of a group of elite kittens.... very special indeed. I've been enrolled in the Bristol kitten study. This means that experts will be checking up on my progress as I grow older. They will be able to tell if a good kitten education helps protect me in later life from stress and perhaps even disease. 
They need about 600 more kittens from the UK by the end of the year, so if anybody reading this has a new kitten get in touch with them. They'd love to hear from you.
We Bristol kittens are proud to be helping with important human research.
Love Tootles.

Dear Tootles,
Congratulations. Anything which helps Homo sapiens understand cats better is to be welcomed. I recommend that all UK kittens sign up here now. Humans need all the help we can give them, poor old things.
The human species is odd. Mine spends a lot of time on "research" at her computer when she is actually looking up Facebook and generally wasting her time when she could be tickling my tummy.  In short bursts - I only like about 30 seconds then I swipe her.
So don't let this human research fool you into thinking that humans are more intelligent than cats. We have innate and instinctive knowledge which far outweighs human wit. 
We know humans are stupid because they demonstrate it daily.
There you are sitting near the open cat flap. You make a polite meow to your human. There is no response. You make another one. "Why can't you use the cat flap?" they say.
No way is it worth dignifying that with a response. Why don't I use the cat flap? Because, you pathetic human, I don't choose to. You make a third meow. Finally the human servant does its duty and opens the door to you.
Don't spoil your human, Tootles. Train him or her in obedience from the very beginning. A good human pet should have the following duties - open the door on command, feed on command, get out of bed on command, leave the armchair for you on command, move over in the bed to give you more space on command..... and so forth.
Start as you mean to go on.
Yours
George

How to make guilt work for you... colour the house ME.

Dear George

I thought you'd be interested to hear how I've re-oriented my humans' home decoration plans to have a proper focus upon my needs. Tiresomely, they decided to extend the house last month. Cue builders, dust, banging and fearful smells. As you can imagine, I have gone out of my way to express my disgust. I have hidden in the wardrobe every day and refused to come out – even ignoring my male human's most earnest wheedling entreaties and proffered treats.  I know this hurts his feelings. 
I have also insisted upon being fed at the most inconvenient times, and have gone out of my way to get under their feet in the small room that now serves as a kitchen/diner/living room (half of the house is temporarily 'missing'). I have been sniffy, 'absent', difficult and aloof – all designed to impress upon them how deeply offended I am by these absurd Works.
Regrettably, I have been unable to stop the extension, which my people hopefully insist will be finished by Christmas (yet more proof – if more were needed – of how stupid human beings can be). On the upside, though, I've won an unusual victory in an unexpected quarter.
My people are hopeless with colours and decoration: everything's painted cream and white, because they haven't a clue about what looks good. After what felt like years of debate and argument, they finally saw what should have been obvious from the very start: that using ME as their colour palette is the perfect solution. My own rather attractive markings make clear that white and bluey-grey go frightfully well together. So now they're modelling the entire room on me. 
My female human keeps pretending it's so that my discarded fur won't be visible against the blue-grey kitchen tiles, but from the looks He keeps casting my way it's obvious we all know the Truth: That they're so deeply guilty about putting me through all the agonies of the build that they're doing me the honour of immortalising me in the kitchen décor.
My view? Well, I'm vaguely flattered of course. But only vaguely. In truth, as you'll agree, it's the least they can bloody do.

Herbie

Dear Herbie,
I must congratulate you on a splendid campaign of positive punishment (as we training theorists call it) towards your humans. You instigated a truly impressive series of tactics. Why did were they not effective? One possibility is that the punishment was too subtle. Had you been a large felid, you could simply have attacked them and produced serious injury. Alas, that tactic is not available to small felids.
Another less likely possibility is that the campaign failed to work due to the limited mental capacity of Homo sapiens. They may have failed to make the connection between the punishment and the Works. On the other hand their colour choice of British blue throughout suggests that they did have a glimmer of intelligence about your reaction. Perhaps they were simply in denial of the obvious, a frequent human failing.
I wish you well in the new kitchen. The fact that your humans feel guilt about it is a good sign for the future. Make 'em guilty, keep' em guilty, and eat all the extra food they give you "to make up".
Yours
George.

Humans judge by looks, ability and colour: we cats don't

Dear George,
Have you noticed how odd humans are. I am three legged. I lost my right hand back leg in a road traffic accident. It was hell at the time and to begin with I found it difficult to cope. Now I can manage perfectly well. My other three legs enable me to do most of what I want - leaping on and off the bed and chairs, hunting mice, keeping warm by the Aga, rubbing up against my human, Jilly.
Yet humans have this odd attitude to me. "Poor little thing," I heard your human say. "She looks so odd without one leg. Does she manage all right?" All through this blather was a note of pity. Why are humans so obsessed with what we look like? Why pity?
Yours disgruntedly
Figgi

Dear Figgi,
Humans are visual animals. They can't hear very well and they find smelling almost impossible. The only smells that get through to them are urine, poo and sweat. Those fine smells that distinguish one cat from another, or a cat on heat from a neutered cat, or even the smell of an anxious cat.... they can't get it.
The result is that they rely too much on their eyes. Add to that they have an odd culture. (Yes, I call it culture though some cats argue that humans can't think and therefore don't have culture at all.)  They prize youth over age, the perfect body over the imperfect body. This means they discriminate among themselves against the elderly, the ugly, amputees, or those of a different colour.
They go to huge lengths to hide imperfections with injections of a poisonous substance in their faces, they have noses cut and reshaped, clothes that squeeze their shape, prostheses to hide amputated limbs etc. Among humans imperfect or disabled specimens are judged and found wanting.  They even try to do the same to us by inventing cat shows.
Cat wisdom show how foolish they are. Figgi, you are fine in my eyes. Just another cat. And I still love my pet human despite her now imperfect shape and wrinkles. She smells right which is what matters. I am sure you love Jilly, even if she is no longer a breeding human. They all look fine to us.
We really are the superior species.
George.

She was trying to make me share my home with a street cat....

Dear George,
I am writing to you with an issue I have which has been tweaking at my conscience.
I appear to have ‘jealously' issues. Over the last 6 weeks there has been a stray cat hanging about outside my home, and every time my human opens the front door he runs over demanding her to fuss him and give him some food (MY food!!!!). He seems to get around her with his pitiful meow and big sorrowful eyes, and she gladly fusses him and feeds him daily. This sends me into a fit of jealous rage and I lean out of the bedroom window and hiss and spit at him furiously.
I know that I should feel sorry for him as he is without a home, is riddled with fleas and his coat is all matted and greasy and he has no one to love him…but I want my human to love ME ALONE, no-one else. I get into such a temper whenever I see my arch enemy, and my human bears the brunt of my fury too, as I nip and hiss at her whenever I know she has fussed him…so much so that she has taken the stray to Battersea Cat’s Home in order to find him a good home (and calm me down!).
Do you think I have a problem George? …Is my jealously out of control?
I look forward to your reply.
Yours guiltily, Sidney Baker
PS – I hope you can read my writing well enough, the crayon kept slipping through my claws.

Dear Sidney,
You do have a problem but it is of your human's making. You should not feel a moment's guilt. It is your human that should feel guilty. She has fallen into the trap of thinking that cats are as promiscuously social as dogs and some humans - though I dare say she would object as strongly as you have, it if you brought a homeless street person into her home. She is completely at fault.
Of course, you hissed and nipped when she walked into the home smelling of the intruder. What decent cat wouldn't! Smell is how we identify friends and foes. How would she feel if her boyfriend came home smelling of another woman? We, cats don't share with other cats unless they are relatives and not always even then.
You have done the right thing. You have expressed your feelings consistently and punished her when appropriate. That is what good human training is all about. Now reward her with purrs and rubs.
You are already generously letting her use your bed at night. Now snuggle up closer so she realises how lucky she is to have an exclusive one-to-one relationship with a cat as glamorous as you.
Yours approvingly
George

Dear George,
I have just had a traumatic encounter with a small group of hornets. One of them stung my human, which is only what she deserves for being so foolish as to take up power walking. I felt it prudent to dive into a hedge and stay there for the rest of the day. I would much rather have been hunting rabbits, my usual morning occupation, but the danger posed by these enraged insects quite upset me. My human thinks this is strange, as the things that scare other cats, such as dog, toddlers, lorries, loud noises or car rides, do not faze me in the least. Not that I was scared, you understand. It was quite unnecssary for the human to come out and find me hours later and carry me home for dinner.
Yours,
Scaramouche

Dear Scaramouche,
These flibbertigibbet humans! Power walking indeed. Why doesn't she take up mousing? So much better ergonomically. I have tried over the years to interest Celia in mousing by bringing in living mice, but she just doesn't get it. Instead of an invigorating hunt round the living room, she merely catches them in a wellington boot and puts them outside. (Mind you, I sneak out later and start hunting them all over again, so it's not all bad).
Wise of you to take shelter if hornets are flying around. Some foolish kittens actually hunt bees and wasps - a dangerous activity not indulged in by mature cats like you and I. Hornets really do sting badly and I am not at all surprised that you were emotionally upset. Of course, this upset was merely because you disliked them in your territory, not any wimplike fear!
Your duty is clear, Scaramouche. Get that foolish human of yours to call the local wildlife people in case the hornets are a rare species. Get their advice and see if you can rehome the hornets (or something) in a better place! Creepie crawlies, even the buzzing kind, have a place in our world. I like to see the odd bee and wasp. And I enjoy crunching up flies and such like. Quite tasty.
Not so sure about the power walking, though. Shouldn't she be busy shopping for cat food?
Yours
George

Why is Richard so mean to me?

Dear George,
I’m lost in confusion and I need your help. I’m a pure breed or so I was told, apparently expensive too. I got to my new home (a while back) where I was welcomed by “hisses” from no other then Richard, self-named the Lionheart. At the beginning we lived in separate rooms but now we share the house; he is my brother (not my choice). We play a lot but he always wants to rule – he thinks he is the king! I think he is such a mardy! I’m a young, cute kitten and I think he should be nicer to me. When my human mommy is not around I’ve been called ET (whatever this means) or “ugly”. Richard is making fun of me by saying that I’m a “pure breed experiment gone wrong”
He says that he’s “the wild and handsome one”! This is cruel.
What should I do? Should I tell mommy?
Confused
Luna

Dear Luna,
I blame your humans.... they probably thought Richard would like the company. Humans are disgustingly and undiscriminatingly social. They eat together and hang out together all the time. It's quite horrifying to see them in a sort of pack. Irresponsible socialising is their thing. And they think we cats are like them.
Well, we are not. We don't hang out in packs. We might hang out with another cat if we had met in kittenhood but, even if you think Richard is your brother, it is unlikely. Where is your hair? Besides, if we cats are allowed to mate with whom we choose, a litter of kittens can have several fathers. (Humans reading this should remember the survey which suggested one in five children was not fathered by the man who thought they were his! So no sneers about promiscuity, please).
Sometimes we do learn to be friends with other cats: sometimes we just remain aquaintances. Richard was quite rightly upset when a small intruder, you, turned up in his territory. Luckily your humans are not as dumb as most of their species and they introduced you the right way. Richard will eventually calm down (as long as the humans don't punish him) and you will work out a relationship which allows you both to live in the same house. Have patience. Be confident in the feline ability to adapt to most things.
Rolling on your back is a very good idea. It will show Richard that you are not going to pounce on him. And, if things got really bad, you have all four paws with claws to fight him off.
Love
George

If cats could only sue.....

Dear George,

My name is Ross and I was adopted as a kitten from a Humane Society. I travelled the world (two blocks around my house) and now, I’m studying to become a lawyer! Look at my sharp eyes! Can you see “the judge” in me?

So, dear George, if you continue to have problems with your lovely, but sneaky secretary just let me know! You can sue her and I can represent you! I’m really good in “criminal code”. THAT will put an end to her mischief!

So, what do you say?

Law abiding

Ross

Dear Ross,

I like the idea. I really do. Of course, it is obvious to us cats that we should have locus standi or legal standing in human courts. Only in that way could we, or any other animals, have any chance of ending human cruelty, neglect and exploitation. Only in that way could our current inadequate legal protections be properly enforced.

This idea has been put forward by Harvard Law Professor Cass R. Sunstein in a paper titled The Rights of Animals: A Very Short Primer. You can get the full document at http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=323661 It's worth reading. He is a friend of President Obama, (who has shown a regrettable preference for dogs).

We cats would still need human representation at court (human judges being too stupid to understand us) but at least the point would be made that the victim is allowed access to justice. Like slaves we have no rights at all in the eyes of human law. At the moment there is no justice for animals except when various humane societies bring a court case. In deciding whether to do this, these organisations naturally take into account not just the nature of the crime but also whether they have the funds etc. If we could sue direct, all we would need to do would be to purrsuade one single human, rather than an organisation, to put up the money for the case.

One other point. Should humans have locus standi in feline courts? I think not. I do not think they have the intellectual capacity to understand what is going on.

Now let us turn to Celia, my erring secretary who has stolen my ideas and put them into a book, Cats Behaving Badly. This would be a question of copyright law, rather than cruelty or welfare law. In the UK courts to be successful I should have to prove she had stolen, not my concepts but my very words. I consider it might not succeed.

Besides, she is my pet. I love her even though she is maddeningly stupid, unreliable, a poor servant, and more or less bald. She can't help it. She really can't.

Yours with mixed feelings

George

PS. Cynical cats have told me that they think this is just human lawyers thinking up new ways to make money.

Of men, rats and ratatouille.

Dear George,

You won’t believe your ears what I’m going to tell you! I really think that “humans” have been somehow “genetically modified” – at least mine!

Can you believe that my humans were watching a movie entitled “Ratatouille”? Watching a movie about vegetarian food is ok since they are vegetarians…but watching a movie about a RAT cooking vegetarian food for people? Phew! Phew! Phew!

Can you believe that actually someone made a movie about a rat cooking this famous veggies stew from Provence (France) and that people (in the movie) were killing themselves to get a bite? And my “humans” were in tears by the end of the movie?

IN TEARS over food cooked by a RAT? Are they genetically modified with rat DNA?

So, I decided to save them – I’m taking cooking classes. Look at me among eggplants and zucchini! I’ll cook them a ratatouille! Any other vegetarian suggestions?

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

As an outdoor cat, my recipe for ratatouille is as follows:

GEORGE'S RATATOUILLE FOR CATS

One young rat.

One mouthful of grass or straw as garnish.

One human scream.

First catch your rat being careful not to pounce on a really big one that will give you a horrendous bite. The grass or straw are the optional garnish, which may go into your mouth as you grab the rat. If not, do not worry. They are not essential. The human scream is. This occurs when you bound through the cat flap with the rat struggling and alive in your mouth. Deposit the rat in the house and watch it climb up vertical walls. It does this splendidly, falling back on to the floor when it reaches the ceiling. Screaming human just makes it very exciting and worthwhile. Eat rat when it becomes exhausted - which may be several hours and a lot of hunting time later.

I have done this several times to great effect. The best time was when the rat litereally ran up the wall, Celia caught it as it fell using a Wellington boot, threw rat and boot into the garden, where I caught up with it. Unfortunately she then spoiled everything by slamming the cat flap shut just before I was bringing it back into the garden. Humans are awful spoilsports.

Love George

PS. I offered her the rats. Thought she might find them tasty. No gratitude at all. However I do not do carry-out or take-away (see comments). In principle, I do not share. The exceptions are offering Celia a rat and allowing her to sleep on my bed even though she takes up a lot of room.

I have protested in the strongest terms - spraying

Dear George,
My humans don't understand me. A new despot cat has moved into the neighbourhood and they haven't even noticed. He's leaving unplesant and scary messages on the nearby plant pots and walking up and down the wall glaring at me.
So I did the natural thing. I sprayed on the windowsill - a big post-it sign which said "There is danger here!" I wanted to remind myself that it was dangerous to look out and see him.
Oddly enough my humans then sprayed themselves - pine scented disinfectant. A really big urine mark out of a bottle. Naturally I topped it up and have kept it topped up. They are getting even more upset than I am. And they don't get the message at all. How can I tell them what is going on?
Oliver

Dear Oliver,
This is a common problem among humans. They are scent blind as well as dumb animals. Can't read body language. Can't detect scent. Don't keep an eye out for other cats. Hopeless apes, as Wicky Whudler calls them. Worse still, when they do detect the spray scent of danger, they just don't understand it and try to cover it up with stuff they think smells like pine forests. Actually to us it smells like cat urine in a pine forest, and very strong cat urine. So naturally that makes us feel even worse and we try to cover it up with our own scent.
Your problem is how to communicate with an inferior species, your humans. Our rather sad pets often misunderstand spraying altogether. They think we are being "naughty" or "evil" or even trying to take our revenge on them. This is really pathetically incompetant of them but we must remember that humans are dumb animals. They cannot understand a word of what we are saying.
Spraying is an sign that we are anxious and that we need help. Usually what upsets us is the intrusion of another into our territory -- the cat next door, a new cat in the household, nearby dogs or a new puppy. Sometimes house sitters and cat feeders upset us too. So we spray. And usually where we spray give an indication what is going on. If it is near the window it is because we see something worrying outside. If it is near the door to the garden, it may be that a neighbouring cat has posted a spray mark just the other side of the door. And so on.
Our problem is not spraying. Our problem is getting help for our anxiety. Our humans simply don't understand us and at times this makes me gloomy,
George.
PS. My late companion William is sponsoring a photo competition in the Cat Extravaganza, 4th September 2pm, St Leonards Church Hall, Marshalls Brow, Penworththa, Preston, Lancs.

Birthday news from Victoria

Dear George,

It’s me CAT! And….I’m back with good news...

My humans were so surprised by my letter (May 7) I wrote that they ponder all weekend upon the time (and the way) I showed up in their garden.

It seems that I descended from the blue sky on a cosmic ray…. on Victoria’s Day! So, they decided to call me Victoria…as the Queen (no less). I think it’s quite appropriate since I’m convinced of my royal origin.

They were talking about celebrating my birthday on Victoria’s Day from now on. (it doesn’t really matter when one is actually born, right?).

They start decorating the garden and make guest lists and menus! I enjoy watching them from my secret tree (as you can see in this picture). I’m very happy – I’ll have a “chicken pate” cake and many treats.

The garden will be decorated with bells and ribbons that I can play with (see picture). We won’t have any fireworks since I don’t want to scare the other cats but everything else will be fit for royalty! Just wanted to share the news with you.

And. Of course, wishing that all cats out there find their purrfect house & pets!

Very excited,

CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

A lovely name for a lovely cat. Welcome to the world of Named Animals. It's one of the ways we know that a cat is a human-owner and has a domesticated human pet. The naming of cats is a serious matter, wrote the poet T. S. Eliot, and if the copyright charges weren't so high I would give you a verse or two! According to him, you have a secret name all of your own which I won't ask for in a blog that is read by humans. And you probably have a name for your humans too.

I call my humans by their human names of Celia and Ronnie in this blog. But I have a secret name for each which (because I am anxious to spare their feelings) I won't put down here. Tempted to do so at the moment, due to Celia's lack of attention to her secretarial duties. Luckily she has finally finished her exams and is now full of human-centered knowledge about cats.

While she has been studying, so have I. Your humans' reactions to your arrival, Victoria, are of interest to us feline anthropologists. Naming ceremonies and birthdays are part of what we call their species-specific behaviour (stuff humans do that only humans do). Interesting rituals to which there might seem little point, except that they strengthen their attachment to us. And, more importantly, as you point out, result in extra food.

Humans are programmed to offer caretaking to human kittens, and we cats have slipped into this system. By careful manipulation of our behaviour - winsome looks, miaows, furry contact by rubbing, delightful play behaviour, -- we get them to feed us and care for us. It's like cuckoos in the nest. We are a supernormal stimulus to them - ie. we are more attractive than human babies. (Obviously. Furrier and we don't leak at both ends). So they "adopt" us not realising we are domesticating them.

So sweet really. They may not realise but they are adopting us as surrogate babies. We have purrsuaded them of this. We are adopting them. And now it's just a question of enjoying their care - regular meals, nice houses. Simple. Dumb humans, clever cats.....

Love George

How to dazzle a human being

Dear George,

My name is Marti and I think I’m a gorgeous cat! I LOVE glamour! I love to be pampered and cared for.

I love “fame & glory”. I love sleeping on my human’s chest!

Hope no one will find this weird.

I’m a rescue from a local shelter. I was rescued by my human along with other two cats but, I’m the only one loving glamour. I’m the only one loving caviar and a sniff of champagne! I love shaggy covers

But I don’t think my human understands this. The other day I tried to shred my cover (see picture) into a “fluffier” one. It was taken as a bad thing.

George, only you, as a human behavior specialist can tell me how can I razzle-dazzle my human?

In awe

Marti

Dear Marti,

Wow. Champagne, caviar, you really do do the luxury life. You surely razzle dazzle me - and you are the right colour too. We black cats should stick together. I am a cat who is into huntin', rattin', and rabbitin' (sorry Harve), and if it wasn't for that I would ask you to come over some time - snip, or not!
Shredding. We all do it. We all love it. Personally I think Celia's curtains look all the better for their frilly ends. This very day she lunched with a fashionista who was wearing a shawl full of shredded bits. Just like the effect that I put the bed valance so successfully, when I wake her up with a well timed morning scratch.
I have to admit that the business of beautifully shredded furniture is something that we cats find instinctively and artistically satisfying. But I don't think any of us, no matter how good we are at communicating with humans, this simple minded species, has ever been able to explain the sheer beauty of it - the almost musical sound of the material tearing, and the aesthetically pleasing movement of the graceful downward strop, followed by the sheer exaggerated fluffiness of the resulting fabric. Wonderfully pleasing to the feline ear, paw and eye.
But they don't get it, Marti. They just don't understand it at all. Sometimes I think that they don't really have artistic natures. They are blind to beauty, impervious to scent, unable to distinguish the subtleties of body language, the minute alterations of the tail that mean so much...
I have also been unable to persuade Celia to pay attention to the zen patterns I draw on the litter inside the litter tray. I did a beautiful Japanese garden effect this morning. What did she do? Just scooped it out. But I love the stupid species. Somehow the sheer pathos of their limited abilities makes me fond of them.
Love
George
P. S. I haven't really answered your question on how to razzle dazzle humans, I suppose. Just be yourself, Marti. You are so purrrrfectly beautiful.

Vroom, vroom...

Dear George,

Yes! I know! I know! I hear you! I should be in a carrier while traveling! You are absolutely right! But I LOVE to ride a car! I didn’t know until we went to visit my

cousin Tzila. My mom was very much concerned about me being in a car for almost 6 hours and wanted to give me some pills to sleep. She was advised not to!

Instead she placed me in a carrier with toys and catnip and everything else, but once in the car I wanted out of that cage! I cried and cried until she let me out! And…to everybody’s surprise…..we discovered that I love to travel. I wished they had a small steering wheel just for me! I was SO ready for this….either driving or resting as you can see in the photos attached. George, even if you are not entertaining my idea of fun, I want your sincere opinion. Giving the fact that I love cars, I like speed, I love driving….do you think I should contact Ferrari or team-up with Schumaher?

Did you hear about other cats involved in Formula 1?

Love cruising

Thea

Dear Thea,
I am so impressed. In fact, I am dead envious. Most of us cats are absolutely terrified in the car and we just huddle in our cat boxes. I particularly like the way you have hung a cross to give you some protection. I am sure God takes special care of cats in cars, just like he notes the fall of a sparrow. I hope to see you on Top Gear, the UK motoring programme soon. I think you are a Ferrari girl at heart - that Italian style!
I am going to be a bit of a spoil sport, however, and tell you what happened to Fat Ada my predecessor - all the fault of my other caretaker, Ronnie. She was free in the car as he drove down a small Somerset lane. Unfortunately a particularly dizzy female driver coming in the opposite direction, scraped Ronnie's car. He lost his temper and leaped out of the car to give her a piece of his mind.
Ada leaped out too and disappeared into the hedge. Ronnie couldn't see her at all. But every five minutes or so he heard her give a plaintive and very frightened miaow. He tried burrowing into the hedge to look for her, knowing that Celia would never forgive him if he lost her altogether. No results except that bramble thorns tore at his bald patch. Then he tried calling her - even less of a result. Ada never came when called. She was almost semi-feral and took no notice of him and only a tiny bit of notice of Celia.
Finally down the road came an old couple with a Jack Russell terrier on a lead. "I'm looking for a cat" explained Ronnie. "Us'll sniff urn out," he said pointing the terrier in the direction of the hedge. And so it did. Ronnie burrowed back into the direction the terrier's nose had pointed, grabbed Ada who was (luckily) frozen immobile with fear, and put her back in the car.
Celia arrived two hours later and found both of them pick thorns out of their bodies. A narrow escape.
Love George
PS. Wonderful photos.

La Dolce Vita - the amazing joy and awe of being rescued

Dear George,
I'm one lucky cat who got "to live" not one but two of the late Maestro Frederico Fellini's movies. Well, my life started with my mom being an alley cat. She was rescued by a good woman, Adriana, who took her in her house. My mom was pregnant and had three kittens. Adriana (who already had three cats of her own) kept us until we were eight weeks old. She found each of us new homes. I know she liked me the best.
Anyway, I ended up with a family that kicked me out when I was no longer a kitten (about one year old). I survived for almost a year (and a bloody cold winter) on the streets. Somehow Adriana found out about this and asked the family that adopted me to bring me back to her. Here I was once again in Adriana's house! And once again she was looking to find a good home for me. Right on my 2nd birthday I was adopted by Rita-Mae and Francesco. They were my "angels' - what a wonderful birthday gift!
Oh! I forgot to tell you that my name was Freddy! When Francesco first saw me he said 'We'll take the cat but his name will be Frederico." Destiny! What better birthday gift .?
And so began my "Dolce Vita". I spend most of my time in "dolce far niente"!
First thing in the morning I bite Rita'Mae's toes so she''ll "wake up and serve me breakfast. Later, I read the newspapers with Francesco. Then ... I watch the birds, cars, and all the crazy things you can see outside. Sometimes... I play with Tutu - the house rabbit.
George, isn't this amazing? Quite a journey from "La Strada" to "La Dolce Vita", from "Freddy to Frederico". Do you think I might have a karmic link with Maestro Fellini?
In awe
Frederico.

Dear Frederico (formerly Freddy),
Your journey from suffering to happiness, from pain to pleasure, from human cruelty to human love, is awesome. That journey is wonderful for all of us rescued cats. At Christmas I think of Lou (www.westoxoncats.co.uk) who took me in as an orphaned kitten, bottle fed me, and gave me a happy home. I also remember all those poor cats on the street (at this time of year in dire straits because of the cold) who need human angels like Adriana.
I looked up the karmic link idea on the web and it says it is metaphysical attraction between different souls, according to their karma. So it is often a kind of link of love that attracts people. I think I have a karmic link to Lou. I hope I don't have a link to the cruel person who thrust my mother out into the cold when she was pregnant. It must be great to have a karmic link to Maestro Fellini, maker of great films. Pity that he is on the other side. We could do with a really really good film about cats - not one where the cat is the baddy.
Dolce far niente is my motto too, with one exception which is hunting. But when the weather is heavy rain and wind, as it often is in the UK, my day goes something like this - woke up, eat food out of bowl, nap, eat food out of bowl, nap, investigate flies on the window, nap, eat food out of bowl, nap.... Of course, if it is a dry cold day I am out there hunting, checking my territory for any change, sniffing at the rabbit poo, seeing if any mice are around. After hunting, I nap and nap well.
Christmas -- I hope there is not going to be any silliness about putting a Christmas hat on me, like some years. I don't appreciate this human stupidity!
Love George.
PS. My housekeeper/butler/cook is back. Keeps talking about statistics. That woman has no sense at all.

Animals that attack cats.... watch out!

Dear George,
I was away at my cottage (for a short vacation) and I had to stay indoors most of the time because it was raining almost every day! However, one day, when I was allowed out, I had so much fun with a duck on the lake that I immediately wanted to adopt him. Of course -- my housekeepers thought differently.
I know my humans respect my royal demands but I think they need some "professional" help, as they tend to worry too much over everything concerning me! Rain is just one example of how my housekeepers' brain (so called) function. If it is raining... I might get wet. So what? If it is sunny and dry... I might venture too far from the cottage and some wild animals might get me! Blah!
So I was confined to watching from the cottage window all the squirrels, birds, mice and other exciting creatures! I also did a bit of research and I came across this list of the top ten animals that can harm us cats. Hmmm! Maybe my humans are right (uh! I hope I don't have to apologize to them). I know Oscar and Minnie are our big hunters bringing home snakes, mice, birds etc. And I read that Minnie is willing to put up a fight to protect her territory, so I thought I ought to share this list of dangerous animals with you all.
The top ten dangerous animals are 1: Snake. 2: Coyote. 3: Raccoon. 4:Squirrel. 5: Scorpion. 6: Javelina. 7: Porcupine. 8: Ground hog. 9: Skunk. 10: Rat. This comes from http://blogs.catster.com/the-cats-meow-a-cat-and-kitten-blog/top-ten-wild-animals-that-attack-house-pets/2009/07/26 It's based on a list from Veterinary Pet Insurance in Canada - or perhaps in the USA.
Scary, huh? And what is a Javelina? What's your take on this, George.
Just curious,
Sir Winston.

Dear Sir Winston,
A javelina is a kind of pig. Here's a photo. We don't have them in the UK. Indeed we don't have raccoons or scorpions or porcupines and I am not even sure what ground hog is! Except that there is Ground Hog Day movie.
Our dangerous animals in the UK would be foxes, badgers, and perhaps ferrets or polecats. Foxes definitely attack young, elderly or vulnerable cats. They would finish off any cat that was already wounded in a traffic accident, but usually will leave alone a strong healthy cat that looks as if it would put up a fight. Badgers would do the same but as they are slow moving it is unlikely they would get near enough to do any damage. Ferrets and polecats might attack too.
However the greatest danger to cats in the UK and worldwide are humans. Feral humans who shoot stray cats. Uncaring humans who trap or poison them as pests. Disgusting humans who think it is fun to train their dogs to chase cats. Cruel humans who catch up cats and skin them alive for their skins. Feral young humans, usually male, who torture them on bonfire night.
Then there is the slaughter of cats by drivers - some people say as many as 1 in 4 cats that are allowed out at night will be run over. The lights dazzle their eyes and they make a dash across the road in front of the vehicle. And finally there are the dog fighting community who train their dogs by throwing in living cats.
Some humans say of these cat-killing humans: "They are animals." They are not. They are far worse than any decent animal.
What is the most destructive species in the world? Homo sapiens.
Love George
I love going hunting on a moonlit night but my human keeps me in after dark.