My plan to 'recession proof' my food

Dear George,
Since the theme of the day is “recession and economic turmoil”, I think I came up with a pretty good plan to secure my food deposit and inspire other cats (since the future depends on us). I’m going to sell bananas – see picture attached!
Our humans are vegetarians, so we have plenty of fruits & veggies in the house. They won’t mind me taking a banana now and then. Plus…it’s much safer than selling mice!
I mean…what Mog will “mug me” for a banana? Or…what human will resist buying one from me? Comm’on…how many times in a “human life” can one buy bananas from a cat? I can sell for a higher price since my products are “fair trade” or “locally grown”.
With the profit I can open a corner store! At night I can leave few bread crumbs here and few bits of cheese there….and (did you get the picture?) MICE will come in!
I can hunt all night with my sister and we can freeze quite a large “food deposit”.
Our humans will get a good night rest (no wake up at 4 am), plus our female human won’t be horrified by the sight of “our freezer” since she has no business to be in the store. I know I’ll be too tired next day to sell, but I’m going to hire a kitty (a kid looking for its first job, you know) to work few hours per day for me while I’m sleeping.
So, what do you think George? I mean…with my plan… I’m sure I’m helping global economy, increase my humans’ household income and help them to get a good night sleep, I’m creating new jobs, secure my future food, plus having fun with my sister.
I really think President Obama not only should he get a cat (and not a dog), but he should hire cats for all top governmental jobs.
Dogs are only “yes-sayers”; WE CATS are creative and come up with real solutions!
Hugs,
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
At first I was not sure I liked the idea of "work". Play, yes. Eat, yes. Mooch around doing nothing in particular, yes. Sleep yes, yes, yes. And hunting.....purrrrrrrr . But work? Work for your humans? Shouldn't they be working flat out for you?
However the idea of combining a fruit stall for humans with mice for you made me think twice about this. I mean, the general rule must be that we cats come first in the household, and humans should be at our beck and call. But clearly this ridiculous fur-less species has got itself into a hole (alas, not a mouse hole) and perhaps the superior species. Felis silvestris catus, has got to break the habit of a lifetime and do something altruistic. I really admire you for thinking outside the litter box.
Couldn't agree more about Obama. The problem with the banking system fat cats was that they were not cats. They were humans. Time for a new species label of Homo non-sapiens, perhaps. If cats ruled the world, things would be very different.
Indeed there's an old Chinese folk tale that cats did once rule the world. After several thousand years of trying to cope with plagues, volcanic eruptions, floods, war, folly and greed, they called a conference of all the wisest cats - a sort of C-20 conference. After serious and long deliberation, they agreed that these problems were insoluble and it was a waste of time trying to do anything about them.
So they handed over ruling the world to men, who were stupid enough to think that they could do something about them.
Hugs and rubs,
George Online Cat
PS. A reminder - send me your posts and photos via www.celiahaddon.com

How do you take revenge on your humans?

Dear George, Inspired by the general worries about the economy, I thought starting my own “food bank”. I mean….banks rise and fall (see what’s happening in the human realm?) but I still think it’s worth a try. If I open a “cat food bank” not only that I’ll have my food secured, but I can even make a profit charging a reasonable interest on “mice deposits” when other cats will come to borrow, right? See George, I have the “street smarts”; I was rescued from streets at an early age. I guess I was only 4 weeks old when my female human found me. Anyway, last Sunday….I went hunting thinking that if I start early I can “increase” my assets considerably by the time the economic crisis will reach a peak. After hours and hours of waiting in a bloody cold I finally caught my first “would-be” deposit. I hurried back in the house and “deposited” it in the laundry room thinking that it’s the safest place for the time being. I mean….it was Sunday after all….what human will even enter the laundry room? Well…..my female human did! And ….she “knew” immediately! It is possible that she’s a mix? I mean something human-cat? Can she smell mice? I know she can purrr! But she won’t eat mice! Au contraire! She looked completely disgusted and threw out my first asset – just like that…..“blowing in the wind”. I was fuming! THIS can not go unpunished! Not only that she threw away my food deposit but she was destroying my young entrepreneurial spirit. So…I was thinking of a way to punish her; should I let her sleep alone? No, that’s too easy – she might even enjoy having the whole bed for herself! Should I look unhappy? I can’t …since she’s already making that “unhappy & upset” face. May be I should refuse to eat? No, my brother will eat all and I hate this happening. Then….it struck me! I’m going to pee (excuse my language) on her freshly done laundry. This should teach her a lesson! And…..so I did! I can tell you that she was still in shock today! George, do you think I was too tough? I mean….I know she saved my life….but wasting my food? Can you suggest any other punishment? What other cats think? A bit confused, Minnie
Dear Minnie,
Thank you for a very creative contribution to the Great Debate on Food and Humans. Fluffy has suggested storing dry kibble round the house. Oscar Snuggles is getting on with the serious business of hunting down further food supplies, such as young rabbits. William the Wimp is coming out of winter hibernation on Celia's bed, to start on his summer campaign to rid the nearby fields of bunnies. His only problem with the potential recession food threat, is that he will only eat the head, though his former companion Fat Mog ate every little bit except the four paws.,
I thnk peeing on the laundry was a wonderfully inspired idea for human punishment. I am not surprised that your human was in shock. Brilliant choice of location. Brilliant leadership move to make yourself Alpha cat. Congratulations, Minnie. You are the inspiration for the dark days of the recession ahead.
George
PS. This post is short from me - though deservedly long from Minnie, because my secretary Celia is off to Sparsholt College for a week's lectures.

Help! World financial meltdown is threatening my food bowl.

Dear George,
Now I truly understand about the international banking collapse that is wrecking the world economy.... it's come home to my food bowl. I overheard my humans discussing how they could cut back and they suggested buying cheaper cat food. Cheaper cat food? Can you believe it? I mean, I know times are bad. She hasn't bought a pair of shoes for three months. But I never thought it would get that bad. Lehman Brothers, Northern Rock, Bradford and Bingley and now my little portion of Sheba. Any suggestions?
Jim
Dear Jim,
You will have to put in a self-help recovery plan. We cats can't rely on the UK's Prime Minister Gordon Brown or even the USA's Barrack Obama. Gordon Brown seems to have even less feline than financial expertise (he seems to have a thing against 'fat cats') and Barrack Obama is getting a dog. Admittedly he is rescuing a dog, but for all that it's a dog not a cat.
First, you need to put in place an alternative supply food programme. What does this mean? It means a covert place where you can eat your fill without your humans knowing. If you have access to a cat flap, take a walk down the road and beatle into any other cat flaps that you find. Eat the cat food put down for other cats. Or, keep an eye out for a sympathetic human, and sit at their back door. If they let you in, eat a few crumbs of dry bread from the kitchen floor or under from the bird feeder. This will convince them that you are hungry and with luck they will give you something to eat.
Once you have this part of the food programme in place, stop eating the cheap food which is put down for you. Just say no. Go up to it, look at it, look up at your human with a pained and sorrowful expression, then slowly and sadly walk away. Here is where sheer acting ability comes in. Pile it on thick, particularly that upward look of a starving cat! If you can, eat a few crumbs of dry bread that have fallen to the kitchen floor. Walk away with a slight totter, as if weak from lack of food.
This'll slay them, I promise you. If you can keep it up for a week, they will give in. Humans underestimate feline persistence.
George
PS. Please - help with tips for ensuring good food.

How can I throw my human out of the Master Bedroom?

Dear George,
As you can see, I am King Winston of English descent and I was the king of the house…..until my housekeepers moved to a new house. As soon as we moved to this new place, my male housekeeper “took" away from me the Master Bedroom and Master King Size Bed! I know he is of English descent too, but I don’t think we are related (unless he is one of some unknown relative’s of mine off springs). Anyway, this is LES MAJESTE (and I hope he knows what that means)! George, William, Oscar…. I need all your help to kick him out of the Master Bedroom. (I want him down in the basement – that’s where he should be). My female human is very nice, a real lady and very kind. I don’t mind to share my king size bed with her. I know that if I start pushing inch by inch…..soon I’ll have the whole bed for me. But…what can I do about my male human? How can I move him fast in the basement?
In bewilderment Sir Winston

Dear Sir Winston,
It amazes me that your female human doesn't prefer you to a mere human in the bed. Such beautiful green eyes, elegant white spats and shirt front! Surely he's not as elegant as you are? OK, so I realise there are some things he can do which you can't (I presume like me you've been fixed). But can he purr? I bet he can't. It is outrageous that he thinks he has the right to sleep in your Master Bedroom. The man needs to be put in his place - well below Alpha cat, Sir Winston.
So how do you get him out of the Master Bedroom and into the basement? There is a choice - purr or claw. The purring method consisters of pretending to be nice -- too nice. Get right into his face at night - literally sleep over it. This nearly suffocates humans and they can bear very little of it. If he has a beaky sort of nose (inferior to your elegant one), it may be a tad uncomfortable. In that case simply sleep on the pillow right next to him and edge yourself so that you are sideways on but absolutely tight against his face. Not quite so suffocating, but pretty close.
As well as suffocating him, snore. Loudly. Walk up and down his body in the early hours of the morning. Pause merely to knead hard at any tender bits round the groin. This apparently loving gesture is extremely painful if aimed at the correct area and if the bedclothes are not too thick. It also looks affectionate in the eyes of the female human, so there is less likelihood of your getting booted outside the Master Bedroom yourself.
Incidentally, I assume you have put an end to hanky panky, or knookie, how's-your-father or bit-of-the-other (as we Brits call it in tabloid newspapers). Most of us cats sleep between our humans to remind them that we don't approve of it. Their juvenile humping and noise interferes with our sleep. We pet cats have turned to a graceful celibacy. They should do the same if they want to keep us happy.
The claw method of chucking a human out of bed is direct punishment. Use your male human as a scratching post. Bite his ears, or his nose - exquisitely painful. Crawl under the duvet and grab his toes or those other bits near the groin. That'll shift him fast. But it may also lead to human aggression. While there is no excuse whatsover for human cruelty to cats, humans can lose control which is why punishment in the bedroom has its risks. The unhealed wounded human is dangerous to be near! I'd go for the subtler purr method myself.
Best of luck,
George

Favourite TV programmes for cats.

Dear George,
My humans purrsuaded me to watch a Garfield movie the other day. I didn't think much of it. They seem to think I should enjoy watching another cat. I don't. What I enjoy is wildlife - preferably small and squeaking but flappy and twittering will do. I was inspired by the picture of Cayenne on the TV to send you this photo. You can see that I am interested but only mildly.
William

Dear William.,
I share your TV tastes. My favourite TV programme used to be Wildlife on One. Now that the winter is gone, or nearly gone, my interest in TV is very limited. Small and squeaking is far better in reality than on a screen and the same goes for flappy and twittering.
My predecessor Fat Ada, a large black and white that had livedon the streets of London where wildlife was limited to pigeons, was once given a video called Cool for Cats, invented by Peter Neville of cat fame (see www.coape.co.uk).She was not much taken with the goldfish scenes (though cats with aquariums tell me the goldfish are as fascinating as interactive TV), though she occasionally enjoyed snooker - balls going into mouseholes rather like mice disappearing.
Mac, as beautiful and black as I am, used to adore Big Cat programmes. He was entranced by lions chasing zebras or leopards pulling carcases up trees. He would sit growling at the Big Cats, as if to warn them not to come out of the TV and into his living room. Then when the programme stopped, he would look satisfied. He had growled and they had - eventually - gone away. He was Some Bad Cat to have seen off lions.
Personally Gafield leaves me cold and I have never enjoyed Tom and Jerry cartoons. They are a slur on the feline species. Mice don't win. They may escape but they don't win. I think the man who invented Tom and Jerry was a rodent.
Yours
George, mouse exterminator.
PS. What do other cats watch?

I hate jogging; I’m a yoga girl!

Dear George,
I believe that my wellbeing is in big danger. Let me tell you why I think so!
This past Sunday, I and my sister, Fluffy, woke up our male human at 6 am
to serve us breakfast, which he did willingly and then he went right back to sleep.
By 7 am I felt like playing so I start calling out on our female human.
I heard her saying “it’s Sunday - I want to sleep”. First of all, how is a Sunday different than any other day of the week? If you ask me….it’s not! Then…why should they sleep longer on the weekends? They shouldn’t! So, I completely ignored her comments and kept calling out on her.
Finally she called my name and there I was….happy, hoping that we’ll play. I jumped right on top of her (as she was sleeping on her left side). And….guess what? Instead of getting a kiss and a rub, I heard “Oh! dear…you are getting too heavy” and then she told the male human “we have to do something about this; we have to cut back on her food and exercise her more”. WHAT? Is she crazy? I WAS PARALIZED! SPEECHLESS!
I panicked but I was thinking fast; what George would advise me now? What should I do? Punish her? No! Reward! That’s it! George would tell me to reward this crazy creature. So, I pretended that I didn’t hear her comments and I started grooming her right arm. I did this very thoroughly trying to find a flea or something, so she’ll realize I saved her life. But, instead of showing any gratitude…I guess she felt offended by me assuming that she can still have fleas after taking a shower the night before.
Well, I got so put off by her attitude! Such arrogance! Then...it hit me! What on earth did she mean by “having me exercise more”? Running up and down the stairs, like Fluffy? Jogging? I hate jogging – I’m a yoga girl! And she knows that! Each time she does yoga, there I am helping her. For example; when she does the Lion’s pose (the one where she bends forward sticking her tongue out – yak!) I quickly clamp on her back trying to push so she’ll bend forward properly. Or if she’s doing Cobra (when she lies down flat on her belly) I quickly jump on her back just to make sure that she stays still and holds her breath. Do you think that she ever thanked me for this? Nooooo! And….between you and me…I don’t even think she’s serious about yoga because when I’m trying to help she starts laughing until she “shakes me” off her back. Insensitive traitor; that’s what she is!
Not to mention that later on the day, she said something about “fasting”. I mean – I know Easter is close but, George, do cats fast? If yes, for what reasons? Religion? Or, what else? I wish humans could express their thoughts better without inventing new words like “lean protein”, “less carbs”, etc. What is wrong with them? We, cats, are extremely sophisticated and yet, can express ourselves in simple thoughts and words.
What I’m going to do George? I like to eat, sleep and read! Now I have to watch out for myself and see what these creatures are up to.
So, dear George, here is a very serious question?
How can I lose few pounds (just to get these monsters off my back) without cutting back on my food, fasting or exercising more?
As I said, my wellbeing is in danger, so I will hold my breath until you’ll answer.
Hugs
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
Glad to see you are taking human training seriously, but I am very worried about your human's attitude re avoirdupois, or being well found, or being just ever so slightly teenily weenily overweight. It's a pretty worrying moment when humans start worrying not about their own weight (they do that all the time if they are female) but about OUR weight... It is no business of theirs.
Cats do not fast. Not ever. Indeed if they are forcibly fasted, they are in danger of hepatic lipidosis (if they are fat). Humans can fast safely. Dogs can fast safely But cats can't. Even a vet, that vilest of human creatures, will tell her that - luckily.
You could lost weight by the following quite enjoyable methods
1. Eat more protein and less carbs. Purrsuade your human to buy a better class of cat food with nore protein in it. This is done by refusing to eat cheaper food. Well, refusing to eat it while they are in the same room. Look unhappy. Cover it up as if it was something nasty in the litter tray. Look hungry. Quite often they will try and feed you something else. Something better and better means more meat less starch. The carbs in cat food are just there becaue they are cheap. We cats don't need them. There is one disadvantage, better cat food is tastier, so you might eat more so it might not work.
2. Start hunting your humans as prey. Ambush them round corners, run up and down the stairs after them. The running is not boring if you are doing it as part of predation or hunting. Treat them as if they were gigantic mice. Yes, I know its exercise but its fun. If you catch and wound them they will make a delightful shriek.
3. Purrsuade them to let you out to hunt real mice.
4. Purrsuade them to play more games with string with you. Start bringing them things to throw for you. I know dogs do this and we cats really hate imitating these servile beasts, but it is one area where they have got hold of a bright idea. Fetch. When you take a small ball to a human, pause, look cute, and drop it at their feet, they often respond by throwing it. And it's fun to chase.
George.

How can I stop my human disturbing my afternoon nap?

Dear George,
This is a serious matter and I need all your help as I’m close to losing my temper!
What could possible be in my human male’s mind to make him think he’s doing me a favor by DISTURBING my afternoon nap?
George, imagine this; I’m in a profound sleep, dreaming sweet dreams, and there he comes making some strange noises like “ciu-ciu-ciu” or “tzi-tzi-tzi” trying to hold me, kiss and pet me! He got this crazy idea that I’m his “daddy’s little girl” (see how well I trained him?) and he can’t live a minute not holding me.
I mean….I don’t mind to be his “daddy’s little girl” BUT ON MY TERMS, not his.
What does he think? Do I wake him up at noon? NO! I wake him up at 4 am – that’s when we, cats, want to play! Do I make some strange noises? No! I lick his face and kiss him. And…what do I get in return? His grumpiness – at 4 am.
Is this fair? Sometimes I even pretend I want to eat, but he won’t get up to serve me.
Some nerves he has! So, dear George, how can I make him stop waking me up at noon and making him play by my rules?
Love,
Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
This is a claw and order issue. You need to administer punishment. Remember, as with all training issues, the punishment or reward must come within a second or two of the human behaviour. They are not bright. If you leave it for half a minute they will not understand that it is linked with their behaviour. So, as soon as he puts a hand on you, swiftly claw him. You will see from the comments below that Oscar Snuggles also uses this technique with skill. Claws work.
Is this kind to humans you ask? I always consider human welfare. Kindness to humans is a feline responsibility and I will have no truck with cruelty. Humans are in our care and it is important that, while as the superior species we put our own interests first, we should never wholly forget theirs. But as I see it, a well-trained human is a happy human. Allowing bad behaviour to go unpunished is simply to allow a good human to turn into a bad one. It is in their own interests to receive swift punishment when their behaviour is over the line.
Punishment works. After you have administered a swift and sharp scratch several times, the male human will think twice about harassing you when you are asleep. You have laid down a boundary for him. You have, by the scratch, communicated to him in clear body language what you require - sleep that is uninterrupted. You will see by his rapid withdrawal of the hand that he has got the message. Because humans are wilful and stupid, it may take two or three punishments before he finally understands, but, I assure you, he will...
As for his unwelcoming attitude at 4am in the morning, we cats require not just obedience but willing and instant obedience. However, this attitude of grumpiness is best dealt with not by punishment but by reward. Purring, nuzzling, and licking are very rewarding to humans. If you have properly become ruler of the household, the humans are in a submissive and appeasing mood state towards you. In the human-cat dyadic, you are top cat. When top cat purrs, humans are excited, pleased, even a little bit overwhelmed with sheer gratitude at our condescension. What we are aiming at is a human attitude of gratitude. Happy humans are grateful for any feline attention or kindness.
So, purr and claw does the trick. It's called operant conditioning and we cats do it all the time to our humans. Only they are so dim, they don't realise.
George

Interrupting human computer behaviour

Dear George,
My human housekeeper, Jilly, is failing in her duties. Her time should be spent caring for the four of us, keeping the water bowl clean and filled up, renewing the dry food in the kitchen feeding bowl, heating the house to a tolerable level for cats, turning down the beds for us, providing a warm lap at all times and providing emotional support at all times. It's not much to ask. She doesn't have specifically to cook for us. Although we appreciate it when she shares her meals, we don't demand cooked food for every one of the 12 or so meals we like to take through the day and night. However, her care is substandard. She is spending a lot of time staring into a square lighted box, where a series of mouse tracks appear. I think it may be obsessive compulsive disorder or a kind of stereotypy. Any ideas of how to prevent this stereotypic behaviour in humans?
Blaireau.
Dear Blaireau,
There are several stereotypies or obsessive disorders in humans. As you say, one of them is the compulsive vigilance associated with the square screen of a computer, across which mouse tracks are seen. I am told that 30 years ago, this kind of behaviour was almost unknown, as computers were not found in the territory that humans share with cats, ie the household home. Such installations, with their ability to turn humans into computer addicts, were only found in the human hunting territory, ie the so called office, and then rarely.
However, for many years, there has been another square screen. This can be black and white or nowadays in a black and white version with some semi-coloured green and red version. (Humans appear to see a wider range of colour than us as they describe this as "coloured" TV.) The screen has a series of very small flickering dots through which we can see vague shapes and the humans appear to see as definite shapes. Humans also watch this obsessively.
The human obsession with TV is relatively easy to live with. First, the screen emits interesting noises such as mouse squeaks, bird song and occasionally (on Animal Cops Houston, my favourite programme where very large women rescue very small kittens and cops turn up armed to the teeth to help subdue animal hoarders) cat noises. There are also snooker games with moving coloured balls, just about clear enough for us cats to follow. I take an intermittent interest in TV programmes, myself, though obviously I am not an obsessive watcher like my human.
However, we can also use TV-watching time for my own interests. Humans have an unfortunate habit of being busy around the house doing displacement activities when they should be cat caring. A human watching TV offers an inviting lap and, even though humans are not as intelligent as cats, they are capable of doing two things at once - stroking us at the same time as watching.
TV watching can be interrupted by jumping on top of the set and looking cute. Angling a tail across the screen, attacking the screen, sitting in front of the screen and mimicking the human compulsive viewing. This activities will often distract the human and make them attentive to us again. I have added a photo of myself on top of the TV to show the sort of thing.
These can also be used to interrupt a human at its computer. Other possibilities involved the keyboard, a device which seems to influence the mouse tracks on the screen. Press this with your paws. Anywhere will do.There will be a satisfying change on the screen. If you simply stand immobile on the keyboard, a series of identical tracks will appear from left to right continuing downwards in ever increasing lines.
Then there is the "mouse". I have not mastered feline use of the computer mouse. Any suggestions for this or other TV games?
George.

Litter trays versus next door's garden

Dear George,
What are your views on litter versus earth outside? My owner is trying to do away with the litter tray. I don't know whether to object or indeed how to object. There's a gardener just down the road who dug his vegetable patch last autumn (it's frosted and hard now) and there's a field with some corn growing in it. I could settle for those. But sometimes I think it's easier, and it's warmer, if I just use the indoor litter tray. What are your views?
Fred.

Dear Fred,
I am in favour of both. In the summer evenings I enjoy strolling down to the vegetable patch to see what Celia has been doing for me. When she's about to sew some seeds, there is often a nice fine tilth. Just what I need and with a pleasant earthy odour - until I use it. Next door's flower bed is quite inviting at times too. Mind you, sometimes the gardener objects. I have known gardeners that threw plant pots in unjustified aggression.
As for indoor litter, well indoor cats have to use it. The problem is sometimes the type of litter. Most of us cats like fine grained litter rather like sand. Clumps are useful for humans. They encourage them to clean up each time we go. It's expensive, of course, but what kind of human saves money on her cats? Besides, my personal view is that the more expensive easy-to-clump litter is cheaper in the long run.
Have your trained your human to clean up the litter tray often enough? She should clean in morning and evening - in the way that an old fashioned parlourmaid used to light fires in the bedrooms morning and evenings. This is the minimum. Personally I have trained Celia to clean more often if she is at home. I have convinced her that the only way to reduce the smell is to clean it as soon as I use it. If it gets too dirty (in my opinion) I wait till she cleans it, then I use it. It makes the point nicely.
Deodorants? I don't go there. They smell fine for humans but horrible to cats. Sometimes they even smell as if there has been an intruding tom in the house.Deodorising plug-ins or air fresheners? Even worse. We cats have sensitive noses. Human noses are barely functional so these artificial scents to use are the equivalent of how loud rock music day and night would be to them. None of us felines like them and some cats show their hatred of them by spraying them.
So, to sum up, litter trays should have fine grained expensive litter, cleaned twice a day, without deodorant sprays. The litter tray should be in a secluded area. Who wants to have to go to the toilet with everybody watching? Humans don't. Why do they sometimes think we will?
Finally, there should be generous amounts of litter. I like to DIG. It is part of the pleasure of relieving oneself. I get in, sniff a bit, dig a bit, then choose my area for the real digging and do it. Afterwards, I turn round, inspect what I have done (rather like Germans do with those specially designed human lavatories), and then dig to cover it up. I then jump out of the litter tray and rush upstairs or behind the sofa. Why? Because I feel like it. That's why. It's the litter skitter.
So, Fred, train your human to keep the litter tray down in the house. You will appreciate it in cold nights and it will be a godsend when you are ill. Lay down proper feline rules for type of litter, amount, type of tray, location and cleaning.
The ultimate sanction is simple. If you don't like it. Do it someplace else. The bed would be a good place to make sure she notices.
George
PS. Secretary away for this coming week. Back to college.

Why do humans allow snow?

Dear George,
I resent the way my humans fail to adjust the weather the way I like it. Outside at the moment there is a lot of very very cold wet fluffy stuff called snow. While kittens may enjoy this sort of thing, it is not suitable for a relatively old gentleman (nearly 14 years) like myself. I don't enjoy it. It clogs up the hair on my feet and, as you can see from the picture, I come in as soon as I can. I take this as a personal insult from my human.
William.

Dear William,
I share your exasperation at the thoughtlessness of humans. Of course they should do something about the weather. After all that banging on about being top of the evolutionary tree. If they want to keep cats, they must make sure they supply suitable conditions. It's not good enough to pretend they are powerless. I assume you have mastered the art of the reproachful glance upwards, as you look out on the cold landscape of the garden. Make your human feel guilty as hell about it.
Snow has possibilities, however, in the game of teasing humans. The best tease of all, is to refuse to use the cat flap. Look helpless and reproachful. Give the impression that it has iced up. Then hang about waiting for them to open the door. Once they do this, position yourself halfway in and halfway out, so they can't close it. Now sit and contemplate the snow from a position of relative warmth while a cold gale roars through the house.
Next, if they are so unkind as to boot you out, go straight to the bird table. (I assume your animal loving humans have one). Take up position there and ambush any incoming finches, robins, and blackbirds. Your humans will open the door and call you in PDQ. There's no need to catch one. Just the threat of slaughtering the poor little birdies will upset them nicely.
Finally, collect as much snow as you can on your feet. Get positively clogged with it. Then walk carefully in and, at an appropriate time and place, shake each paw to scatter the icey snow. If you are lucky you can do this somewhere your humans will really notice it. If they are still in bed on an ice-cold morning run upstairs and shake your paws on their face.
That'll larn them. They won't try to make you go out in the snow again.
George

What will 2009 bring for cats?

Dear George,
It's 2009 and here I am sitting in the Cats Protection main rescue centre - The National Cat Centre, in Kent. For me it's a gloomy outlook. I've lost my home and I don't know when I am going to find a new one. I feel disorientated and stressed out. What will the New Year bring? How am I going to cope?
Pumpkin

Dear Pumpkin,
Don't despair. At least you are in the warm and you are getting two meals a day and, best of all, if you are patient you WILL find a new home. Here in the UK we have lots of no-kill shelters that do not put down healthy cats. In the US, where the animal rescue movement is a little behind us, many many cats are just euthanised for lack of a home.
It's much worse for those cats trying to survive on the streets. Or those ones sheltering under the hedges, shivering, who have lost their way in the countryside. Or the cats in towns, who are sheltering in basements, some of them injured from road traffic accidents. Without food. Without warmth. Without human help.
You are a tabby tortoishell and you look beautiful so you will be picked quite early. It's worse for the black cats and the black and white ones that don't look so good. They will have to stay longer. I heard a horrible story about an animal shelter in Ohio where people hand in black cats are Halloween, because they think they will be safer there than on the streets (where they might be used for black magic sacrifices and torture). But 9 out of 10 of these black cats are just euthanised.
Where was I? Well luckily the animal movement bother in the UK and in the USA is working hard on trying to improve the way they find homes. Most of all, they need more animal adopters. The quicker there is a turn-round from unwanted pet to new home, the more animals can be helped. But of course, if they just hand out animals any how, the adoptions may fail. It's quite a dilemma getting it right.
So what do I wish for in 2009? I wish for more people willing to adopt the less attractive cats. Please adopt the ugly ones, the black or black and white moggies, the old, the disabled and the frankly bad tempered. They need help most. Every cat that is given a home from a rescue centre, leaves a pen for a new one. So by adopting a cat, a human is helping two, not one, cats.
Also money helps. With the financial heltdown, all rescues need cash. Cats Protection lost several million pound in the Icelandic Banks disaster. If you can help visit www.cats.org.uk or take a look at my kittenhood home at www.westoxoncats.co.uk If you are very, very lucky, your human could adopt a sleek, shining, and intelligent black cat like me.
George

Dear George
Here is me as Santa. Click on http://www.dancingsantacard.com/?santa=6919478
Herbie.

Dear Herbie,
That is demeaning. Worse than the silly hat.
George.

What's the point of Christmas - cats in the Holy Family?

Dear George,
As you can see, I celebrated Christmas with the family - own plate, own cracker, and (more importantly my own portion of turkey). But it still puzzles me. What is the point of it? And why Christmas not New Year or winter solstice? I find human celebrations confusing.
Figgi

Dear Figgi,
My research in the art history world suggests that it is something to do with a family that loved cats. There's a painting in Venice of the Annunciation by Lorenzo Lotto showing a human called Mary who had her own (rather startled) tabby. The Lotto painting shows a tabby cat scampering across the floor just as an angel is telling Mary of the birth of a baby. Tabbies were popular with this particular family.
There's a charming ginger and white cat painted by Frederico Barocci about 1575 sort of begging in the nativity scene showing Mary, Joseph, the child and the infant John the Baptist. Perhaps the ginger and white lived with Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist and cousin of the family. And Leonardo da Vinci sketched a nativity scene with a cat twice - can't be sure of the colour except that it is not black.
The Lotto tabby may be an ancestor of the tabby that appears Jan Vermeyen’s picture of the Holy Family at home later on after returning from Egypt. The cat is lying at the feet of the Virgin Mary on what looks like its own little bed. That makes me think that the family loved cats.
There was also a tabby at the birth of St John the Baptist, a cousin of Jesus, according to a sixteenth century Book of Hours. And there was one even earlier at the birth of the Virgin herself, according to an alterpiece in Romania, c. 1480-1500. You can just see it in the background of the painting at the bottom left hand side. I think it is yet another tabby.
Tabbies were there in the home before and after the birth of Jesus. But what about the stable? A black cat, like me, may have been there in the stable. We black cats are less prized than tabbies so it's more likely that we were just pushed out to live as pest controllers out of doors in Bethlehem. The stable would have been a warm place in winter, with the ox and the ass, so we cats would have been there at night sharing the space with that young travelling couple tired from coming all the way from Nazareth. I like to think that the heavily pregnant girl would have smiled to see a cat there purring her a better welcome than she had got at the inn.
I can't find any paintings of black cats with this family. But I really hope that one of my ancestors was part of this great event, perhaps somehow living on the margins of domestication, catching mice in the stable and sneaking the odd meal from the waste food of the inn. They say He came for those who were outcast, poor, and marginalised. Please may we cats be remembered too when He comes into his kingdom - as that human once said.
And any humans reading this spare a thought for the cats still out in the cold - give money to no-kill rescue shelters. In the financial meltdown they will need it.
George, Cats Protection rescue cat.
PS For more cat paintings take a look at http://larsdatter.com/cats.htm

Why have they put this silly Christmas hat on me?

Dear George,
They've done it again. Some time as the days get longer here they try to put a silly red hat on me. Why? What's it all about? They've gone funny in the household. Odd things on the TV - less wildlife more choirboys (and I don't like small boys). The only bit I like are the tinkly things that later on they will hang on a tree. That's more like fun. I read in your book, The Joy of Cats, published under HER name, that a mad Victorian clergyman hung herrings on his tree. Why can't she do this instead balancing this hat on me? As you can see, I am not pleased at all.
William
Dear William,
This is the time of year when humans go slightly mad. Some of their behaviour is extremely vexing - loud tuneless caterwauling carols, the influx of strange humans turning up at all hours, inter-human aggression due to tiredness and drunkeness, human kittens and juveniles wanting to "pet" us, and thoughtless behaviour like dressing up cats. We don't need clothes or hats, thank you very much. We are not naked apes. We have our own fur coats which suit us much better.
However, Christmas is a time of opportunities. Take the tree. Twinkling balls hang from it - so nice to play with. I enjoy batting them about and if they fall off they move over a wooden floor in a mouse-like fashion. And have you tried climbing it? Right at the top, for some reason, is a particularly bright star. Go for it. Every human in the house will react with a gratifying squeal of excitement as you exhibit your skillful ascent - before the tree crashes to the ground.
Christmas food. Turkey - yum yum. Get to the kitchen early on, while the bird is uncooked. At this point you may get one or two bits cut off to tidy it up for the oven. Even if you don't receive them, note that they have gone into the trashcan. This is usually easily overturned later in the day and you can rummage round for that nice bit of skin taken off the breast area. It's fun to hunt for it. More fun than being given it.
Throughout the morning there will be interesting things on the kitchen surfaces or dining areas. It's no trouble to jump up and take a look to see what is on offer. At various Christmases, I have found the following - bread sauce, ice cream, brandy butter, cream, custard, sausagemeat balls, forcemeat balls (not so good as the sausage meat but worth licking), butter, goose fat, and smoked salmon.
There are hazards. One year I ate the whole of a piece of string used to tie up the turkey which was unwisely left within my range. That was a visit to the vet on Boxing day - very expensive for the human and I didn't appreciate the laxative either (dangerous to pull it out). But my human followed me about attentively and checked the litter tray ceaselessly. The silly woman seemed to want her string back. Can't think why - the turkey flavour would have gone completely. More on Christmas accidents next week and after that cats and their role in the nativity story.
Keep up the Christmas capers - to make those humans properly attentive.
George
PS. Other cats please let me know of their Christmas experiences and email photos via my website, www.celiahaddon.com

Civilising a female cat

George, old boy,
It's bin far too long. Club suitable as to grub and heat, staff quite civilised after years of my hard work, excellent mousing. Many birds, so many it's hard to decide which one to hunt. Humans keep dogs, but dogs keep their distance. Would suggest you come here for a while if it didn't involve travel and those damn cage things. Only trouble, hesitate to mention it, is the new one. Gel called Arabella, bloody silly name. Arrived in a bag, took staff by surprise, I expect. Tiny thing, long white gloves on all her legs, face you could only call pert, very young indeed and much too bumptious. Climbs humans like hills, sits on heads, dives into their very odd morning meal: called mewsel or something. Then skids down their backs and you know how ridiculously sensitive they are to fleshwounds. Attacks dogs, just when we'd come to terms. Usually pursues own tail, but sometimes mine, and she bites. Obviously dreams of being a lion and anything that moves is a gazelle, humans included. Staff have tried games, affection and isolation, but nothing seems to civilise the creature. Dogs say she's a rat with military training. Myself, suspect she's some kind of subversive. My suggestion she leave, this being a gentleman's club, not taken kindly by Arabella or by the staff. So I ask you: how to tame a kitten who can't be kept out of anything. She's even taken my chair and my place in the middle of the fireplace and a gentleman hardly knows whether to swipe or smile.
Humans ineffective as usual, so most grateful for your advice.
Your friend Ze.

Dear Ze,
She's young, she's flighty and she's a female cat! Whaddya expect? She may not even have been neutered. Why do you think humans sometimes call their females sex kittens? It could have been of the greatest interest, except that you had the alteration, the op, the snip, the cut. I dream of sex kittens but waking it is no such matter. Like you, that part of my life disappeared for ever after humans snipped me.
Perhaps this is just as well. We can relax into the deep peace of the chaise longue instead of the hurly burly of life on the tiles. None of this helps much with your troubles with Arabella. I think this is a claw and order issue. Stop this gentleman nonsense. Biff her but biff her with claws retracted. That kind of swipe - rough but not vicious - should establish yourself as top cat again.
Wny on earth haven't your humans installed another chair especially for her? And what about the double bed? Is there space for both, preferably with humans in between? Maybe an electric blanket or a snugglesafe on the spare room would help give her a warm night. And why only one fireplace when there are two cats? I hope they have at least installed another litter tray and also a second feeding station. You need two of everything.
Cats don't share. Geddit, you stupid humans? Sharing is a doggy thing not a feline thing. We compete or we ignore.
We need our own space which means our own feeding station, our own beds (plural), our own chairs and our own place at the fireside. Two of everything if there are two cats. That way we don't have to share. Sharing is stressful for us. The ideal relationship inside the same house is one where each cat has about 3 metres distance at all times from the other, different places to sleep, to eat and to defecate. A proper distance should be available at all times.
Sometimes I despair of humans.
George

I'm upset about the new kitten. Should I be?

Hello George,
Whicky is a friend of mine and he advised me I to speak to you about my problem.The problem is my new kitten brother, Alfie. He arrived last weekend (from cat rescue aged 12 weeks) and Mom is trying to settle him in with me. I am 8 months old and a bit of a spoilt only boy until now.I've been a bit hissy and growly - and because I am so much bigger and stronger than Alfie, Mom is nervous about leaving us unattended. She introduced us behind a glass door (one either side) and I was very hissy & growly!Then gradually over the weekend she fed us at the same time (one each side of the door) and now I am comfortable near my little brother. BUT Mom closely supervises and I show interest and sniff - and then give a hefty swipe. My claws are usually in ... but sometimes I forget myself.Mom is scared that if she puts Alfie down that I might attack and hurt Alfie. I don't mean to be like this ... I can't help myself.Mom is giving me lots of reassurance but she wonders if you could advise further. Is there anyhting else she should be doing, or not doing? Thank you.
Love Milo

Dear Milo,
Unlike many of us, you seem to have a sensible human. You must have educated her well in the ways of cats. Or perhaps she was already socialised to cats when she was a human kitten. Either way she is being patient and kind. (Not very common among in this pathetic species. We can wait for hours at mouseholes. They want it all now.)
The difficulty for our humans is that they are primarily social animals but we are not. We don't live in packs like dogs do (which is one reason why they fit into human life so well). We weren't designed to do cooperative hunting, like both wolves (dogs) and humans. We hunt alone. We go out alone and we kill mice. Mice are not big enough to share so we don't share our food with others - unless we are mother cats bringing back food for kittens.
That's not to say that we cats are all loners. Some of us are. Some of us will always be unhappy sharing a house. But, if we were in the wild, many of us would live in colonies of related females. The toms would come and go but females would live closely together. The sisters and neices might even help each other raise kittens, share nursing duties, and baby sit.
Where does that leave us house cats? Well humans like more than one cat and they will often bring home a new cat. For us cats this is upsetting. This new cat will not be a relative. It will smell different to us and we identify friends and foe by scent. Any cat that isn't familiar is a foe until it becomes familiar. And even if it is a kitten, well, some of us don't care for kittens much. This all adds up to a period of between 3 to 6 months while we come to terms with the new arrival
What we need is time to accept the change. Next we need the smell to come right. We need the new cat to start smelling of our family - ie smelling of us, and our humans. Swapping bedding form one cat bed to another, installing Feliway, and getting the human to stroke first one cat and then the other will help. We like a nice mixed scent that all the family share. Feliway is always soothing.
A crate for the kitten to be in - large enough for bedding, food and litter tray - is a help. Means you can't swipe at him but you can go close and take a good look. (Crates are useful for sick cats too or for if you take your cat travelling or on visits. I love my crate.).
Finally we need space and resources. We will probably never want to get too close to another unrelated cat. We will live happily in the same house while making sure we are about three metres away at all times. So ask her to help you and the new kitten to avoid each other. That is what we cats do to make social life bearable. You need at least one litter box per cat and at least two different litter locations. It will also help if you are not forced to eat side by side. So two feeding locations will help too.
Keeping our distance is how we cats cope. Your human is being helpful in this. She's obviously a relatively enlightened individual of an otherwise dumb species. She seems to realise that cats are not human - some humans never do.
George.
PS. She's written yet another book under my guidance. See above. Order it for Xmas at www.amazon.co.uk

What does it mean on the cat food label?

Dear George
Thank you for the earlier information about what is in pet food, particularly what is in cat food. But what's on the label. How do we know what is inside the tin, or the packet?
Hesper

Dear Hesper,
Regulations vary from country to country, but in the UK you will find a list of ingredients. Reading the label is an art form. Start with the main bit of the label which will say either "complementary" or "complete." This is very important indeed. Anything labelled "complementary" is not designed to have all the ingredients you need. It is probably a treat food. Eat it in that way. "Complete" on the other hand is what is says on the tin - ie if your human feeds only that you will get all you need.
Next stage is to look at the list of ingredients. If you are thinking of cost (you have a poor or a mean human) look for the percentage of water. Dry food looks more expensive but if you do some complicated maths (which I can't do) then you may discover dry food is no more expensive than wet food. Dry food is easiest to leave down so you can snack through the day - the way of feeding that we cats prefer. On the other hand, some of us need wet food - cats who have a history of cystitis, for instance.
In the UK, the list of ingredients are listed in order of how much there is in the tin. That may well mean that cereals comes before meat and meat derivatives. As I said an earlier blog, carbs are cheap even though we do not need carbs. Meat in catfood in the UK comes from sources fit for human consumption and does not contain horse meat or whale meat. This might be different elsewhere. Then there are oils and fats, minerals, various sugars. Sugars, which can be table sugar, fructose or glucose, can be used as a preservative or flavour enhancer. We cats don't taste sugar so the latter is more likely to be a reason for use in dog food.
Next comes an analysis of protein, ash, fibre. Ash is particularly disconcerting.What it means is the amount of ash left if the food was burned. Why it is there, I do not know and would welcome information on this. It does not mean that the food contains ash. You can get a download with a bit more information for your human from www.pfma.org.uk
If a pet food is described as "containing" chicken and rabbit, then the minimum amount of these meats must be 4% of the contents of the tin and this minimum must be stated on the label. But the actual amount of the chicken and rabbit inside your can might be more than 4%. If it just says "chicken flavour", there may be no chicken at all!
Additives in pet food are those in human food but that's not saying much. In the UK there is a movement to ban E-numbers tartrazine (E102), quinoline yellow (E104), sunset yellow (E110), carmoisine (E122), ponceau 4R (E124) and allura red (E129). If these are not good for humans why hsould we feed them to our cats. So, on the whole, my advice would be NOT to let your human buy any cat food which is highly coloured - yellow or red or green. Only a human would be stupid enough to be attracted by bright colours in food! Poor dears. We need to keep them under constant surveillance.
George
PS I am experimenting with LOLs. Watch this space - http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=2693271

Why does cat food contain junk?

Dear George,
Why does does cat food contain cereals? Obligate carnivores do not need wheat. Why soya protein - and just what benefit does this give to cats? filling up any mammal (but especially neutered mammals) with phyto-oestrogens is insane. Look at the problems it causes in humans! (Human males growing breasts etc) Why do the prescription diets sold only at inflated prices by vets STILL contain the same trash that the foods on supermarket shelves contain. And why this rubbish about "healthy vegetables for cats" Humans may find pretty pictures of peas, carrots and asparagus appealing, but we cats are not going to benefit from this? Oily fish, there is huge concern that oily sea fish have significant amounts of dreadful stuff like PCBs backed up in their muscle and fat. As humans consume more oily fish (for health reasons ho ho) there are more waste by-products from processing going into cat foods - Look at the supermarket shelves laden with salmon, tuna, mackeral, sardine "flavoured" cat food! - the rise in cat food containing this stuff has been linked to the rise in hyperthyroidism in cats (since the 80's ?) Herbs - just no, no, no, no, no and NO. Cats are not herbivores. Time and time again my human sees brands of cat food purporting to be "natural" or " a better way to feed your cat" - on examination, it's just another attempt to plug into the 21st century guilt driven, human desire to return to nature and imbue sham spiritual goodness into every aspect of life by filling up cats with inappropriate food. Essential oils - yeah, just poison us, let us die a horrible thrashing agonising death, because "tea tree oil balances the immune system" why not, it's natural after all!
Whicky Wuudler of http://everycat.blogspot.com

Dear Whicky,
You have really said it all. We should be fed on fresh mouse, or even tinned mouse. The whole mouse, of course, with all the bones and the fur and so forth. One of the rarer cat disorders, among Siamese, is wool eating. It's thought to be a disorder of the predatory sequence - eye, stalk, pounce, kill, tear off skin or feathers, and eat. Modern cat food misses out on tearing off skin and feathers. So cats chew wool instead. If you feed them whole mice or turkey poults (sold dead for reptiles) they stop wool chewing (see www.celiahaddon.com). Thanks to the Furry Fighter I can pass on the information that there are dried mice - as treats - available from http://www.petextras.com/pofdmo21gr.html
So why carbohydrates in cat food? Carbs are cheap. We cats can't tolerate too high a proportion of carbs so cat food has more protein and less carbs than dog food (message - don't feed us dog food, puurlease). Not only do we not need carbohydrates, we definitely need some of the contents of proper animal protein - taurine, vitamin A, and and arachidonic acid.
You can see the difference from looking at a picture of our innards. The digestive tract of the cat has a simple stomach and a relatively short gut - look on the left here. Compare this with the innards of a sheep (lower down on the left) - a really long gut and a complicated stomach to ferment and then digest all that plant material. That explains why we can't manage a vegetarian diet. We just can't process it. We don't have the ruminant stomach to ferment it and the long gut to retain the stuff long enough to absorb it.
We can tolerate (and can get some energy from) carbohydrate in their diet because it has been cooked and processed enough for us to digest it. And carbs are cheap. Just like milk was cheap which was why it was fed to cats - even though it is now known that some cats can't digest it at all. Same with fish. A diet of fish was traditionally fed to us because it was cheap. The history of cat food is the history of human meanness. If it is cheap, feed it to the cat.
The answer, however, is not necessarily a home cooked diet. Most home diets consist of flesh meat without the bones and fur and stuff that we would need in the ideal tinned mouse diet. Flesh meat alone doesn't give us all we need. Some kittens have growth problems because breeders recommend feeding only chicken and rice when a good balanced tin of kitten food has better ingredients. Other cat owners feed us too much liver which is sort of junk food for us. If we eat too much we get vitamin A poisoning.
So, if you can't go out and catch your own mice, I recommend a good "complete" cat food. Mice are better. We all admit that. But at least nowadays those damn manufacturers have done the research and conventional cat food produced by reputable firms doesn't do too much harm. As you say, Whicky, ignore all that stuff about vegetables and herbs. It's just a silly marketing tool designed to appeal to humans. As we cats know only too well, humans are a basically stupid species.
I really ought to add a bit about those ridiculous cat food labels but I haven't time now.
George
P. Regular readers will be delighted, as I am, that Zealand (see last blog) has found a home. He has settled down happily and has bitten nobody - so far - probably because no longer stressed.

I bite humans. I enjoy seeing them flinch. Should I stop?

Dear George,
I bite humans. Here I am stuck in a pen waiting for somebody to adopt me. Worse still, until recently I itched and itched and itched. I felt so bad I pulled out all the fur of my belly and backside. The anti-flea stuff they gave me made me so ill I thought I was going to have a fit. Then they changed my diet- after four months of itching - and my hair is beginning to grow back. You can just seem the remains of the bald bits if you look carefully at my tummy. I used to bite humans because I felt so itchy and awful. Now I just bite them anyway. They keep wanting to touch or pet me and I just want them to keep a respectful distance. Biting works well. I bit Celia four times in ten minutes. I wonder if I should stop. I don't much like the human race.
Zealand

Dear Zealand,
There's no ethical reason why you should stop nipping and biting humans. After all they are a different species and we cats don't owe them anything. Least of all you. Your humans gave up on you and just chucked you out into a rescue centre, where you are now. While you were itching all over, no wonder you bit. It must have been hell if you needed to pull out your own fur. No wonder you don't like humans.
Humans have this unhealthy desire to cuddle. And to touch. They must do it. They don't seem to realise that cats like you, who were probably given the wrong education as kittens, are frightened of being touched, or hugged, or cuddled or picked up. You want to be in a household where you get regular meals, somewhere nice to sleep, and you can get on with your own life - perhaps doing a bit of hunting in the garden. You are a no cuddles cat.
Celia can take it. She spent a year going into rescue centres and has been bitten by a large number and variety of cats -- frightened tabbies, neurotic pedigrees, Persians that have suffered from rough grooming, beautiful white princess pussycats terrified of the nearby noise of dogs, terrified gingers cowering in their beds, and cats like you that just bit any passing hand. The worst consisted of a bite plus a real clawing when half her hand swelled up. She doesn't enjoy it but she does understand that cats in rescue shelters are highly traumatised.
However, there is a reason for rethinking your biting policy. The more you bite, the more difficult it will be to find a home. Kittens find homes easily. Loving cuddly adult cats usually only stay about a few weeks in rescue. Somebody who wants a cat comes into the pen and picks them up and cuddles them and they purr.
But when somebody comes into the pen tries to pick up a cat and gets bitten, they often have to wait for months and months. Is there any chance you could try to be nice? Or just try not to bite till they take you home. Think about it. There are a few humans who don't mind being bitten but not many.
George

Should I go on teasing her by making my human jealous?

Dear George,
I have found out a good way to tease my humans. My two carers are Janet and John, like the children's books of past years. Janet does everything for me. She feeds me, makes sure the litter tray is clean, trains me on the lead and in the car. John does far less. I have discovered I can really irritate Janet by showing a distinct preference for John. I join him, not her, on the bed lying at his, not her, feet. I walk out of the room if Janet gets too near me. I rush to welcome John when he comes home and ignore her when she does. It's easy peasy. John wears a sort of smug look on his face and Janet looks anxious. How far should I take this?
Jasmine. (Apologies for black and white photo)

Dear Jasmine,
I think we all enjoy teasing humans. They make it so easy for us. They are ridiculously over sensitive when it comes to feline attention. They sulk if they think they are not getting enough or just go around looking worried (like Janet). It is part of the power that we hold over them. Power that they simply don't even acknowledge.
Have you tried the visitor game? I expect you have. I enjoy it. I scan all arrivals at the house. Those that try to come towards me, or attempt to touch or pet me, I ignore. I walk away with a haughty look or, better still, rush off under the sofa. These are cat lovers and most of them are devastated by my behaviour.
Those that don't seem to like cats or that ignore me, I walk up to and rub against their ankles. Some may even be frightened of cats. They are even more fun. I leap on to their lap at the first opportunity then crawl up their chest trying to lick their face. Their horror is good fun.
The best way to play the game is when there are both kinds of human in the house. The cat lovers are even more upset to see other humans being the recipient of my favours. The cat haters are annoyed and feel, in the presence of my own humans, that they cannot just swat me off. If you haven't tried it, do so.
As for Janet, why give her a break? She is totally co dependant about cat and adores them. So whatever your behaviour, she will keep looking after you. So my advice is to play the game as much as it amuses you. But about once a week, jump on her lap and play adoring kitty. This will keep her on the boil, so to speak. You can eavesdrop on her pathetic conversations with John about "Why won't Jasmine be like she was on Monday?".
Cats rule.
George
PS Would Whikky Wuudler like to communicate via www.celiahaddon.com with a photo so I can run the interesting question about cat food contents?

Saggy tummy syndrome - how can I stop my human dieting me.

Dear George,
You may not be able to see from the photo, but I am a large cat. A seriously large cat. I put it down to my inheritable British Blue genes. Large size runs in my family - or so I like to think. It's not really fat. Just toned gorgeous muscle round the neck with a bit of FSTS, better known as feline saggy tummy syndrome. Alas, there are signs that my human wants me to diet.He has bought a huge sack of low calorie cat food. What can I do to stop him?
Herbie

Dear Herbie,
Feline Saggy tummy syndrome or FSTS is well known among cats of a certain age but from your photograph (which conceals the rest of your body) you certainly look like a well found cat of gravitas. There's a layer of muscle (I can be tactful) over the top of your neck which if repeated lower down must be fat (sorry to use the f. word) saggy tummy syndrome, FFSTS, the stage before obese saggy tummy syndrome known as OFSTS. Frankly, it would be a good idea if you got more exercise. There are ideas for indoor cats on my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com
That said, it is none of your owner's business to police your meals. What on earth gives the human species the right to interfere with the feline pursuit of love, life and happiness. Why are humans so fattist? Meals should be regular, of good quality and of sufficient quantity for you to enjoy. If you choose to be fat, why not? I suspect however, that your human is an enabler. While buying you diet food, he is probably feeding you on the sly. He may even be "feeding" his own codependance by over feeding you with unhealthy snacks. Maybe he too has human STS and he is working out his own psychological inadequacies on you. Humans can be much, much fatter than cats.
Rather than deprive you of the joy of food, he should be thinking of ingenious ways to get you interested in exercise to release some endorphins. Of course, the most obvious way would be to import living mice into his house, but that would be unduly cruel to the mice. He could however start feeding you in a more fun way. Hide the food throughout the household before he goes out. Get a food dispensing ball, and put it in there. Get various cardboard boxes, and hide the food in them so that you have to pull it out with a claw. Put food on the top of the cat gymnasium (that is, if it is steady enough to bear your weight.) More time spent playing with you, instead of slumping in front of the TV, would help too.
That way he would be adding fun to your life, giving you more exercise rather than simply depriving you of food. I blame him anyway for your weight. He is an enabler. Could you rehome yourself next door for a better kind of owner?
George
PS There's a very good comment about cat food below, which I will take up in a future blog.

How can I stop my human hauling me off to the vet?

Dear George,
Periodically, my human will ambush me without warning (usually when I am sound asleep enjoying dreams of chasing mousies and birdies) and stuff me unceremoniously into my PTU and cart me off to the dreaded v-e-t! There I am subjected to all sorts of atrocities -- loud, barking dogs in the waiting room, having to sit on a cold metal table in the exam room, having my teeth and ears checked, and the worse one of all...getting a shot in the butt!
What can I do to get my human to show a little common courtesy and ask me first whether I would like to be stuffed into my PTU and carted off to the v-e-t to incur all those atrocities?
And when she doesn't take NO for an answer and carts me off anyways, what, if any, recourse should I take against her?
Sincerely with a sore butt,
Wally

Dear Wally,
You have put your paw on a very sore issue indeed, one of the most outrageous examples of human stupidity even human cruelty. It is the sheer hypocrisy of it, that gets up my gleaming black nose. One moment the human is cooing all over us, then suddenly they are taking us off to what is a torture chamber. How can they do this?
So what can we do about it? The first thing is to brush up your verbal skills in human language. Like the rest of us, you probably stop listening to their endless vocalising. They never stop "talking" so most of us cats simply screen out the noise. However, this is a mistake when it comes to the v-e-t situation. You simply have to keep an ear out for that particular vocalisation.
It's not alway easy. The word comes in the middle of a torrent of other similar sounding vocalisations like "pet" "yet" "vat" "vit'amins and so on. However, if you apply your considerable cat skills to the task you will find that you can hear it. Once heard, the word is an advance warning.
Make yourself scarce immediately. If you are an outdoor cat, this is the moment to saunter through the cat flap and disappear for the nex 24 hours. If you are an indoor cat, it is a little more complex but there are places from which she will find it difficult to extract you - the furthest side of the bed, underneath the cooker, behind the fridge, high up on the top of the wardrobe, inside one of the drawers in a chest of drawers.
If these places don't work, think laterally. The point about the human species is that they are relatively unintelligent. I have found it useful at times simply to hide myself by sitting on a chair that has been drawn up to the table - ie: I am hidden by the table itself. This is a particularly good place if your human has a tablecloth over the table. I have seen my human running up and down stairs, peering under beds, opening cupboards sometimes in the same room, and all the time forgetting to find me there.
Perhaps other cats will contribute their suggestions for good hiding places. All of us need them in order to avoid the visit to the veterinary torture chamber.
George
PS Revenge on your human is easier. Withdraw all attention from her - no purring, no looking at her, no rubbing round her legs. Ignore her for at least 24 hours. Refuse to sleep on the bed (unless it is a particularly cold night). This "silent treatment" is hard for a social species like humans to bear. If there is another person in the household, be particularly affectionate to him.