Civilising a female cat

George, old boy,
It's bin far too long. Club suitable as to grub and heat, staff quite civilised after years of my hard work, excellent mousing. Many birds, so many it's hard to decide which one to hunt. Humans keep dogs, but dogs keep their distance. Would suggest you come here for a while if it didn't involve travel and those damn cage things. Only trouble, hesitate to mention it, is the new one. Gel called Arabella, bloody silly name. Arrived in a bag, took staff by surprise, I expect. Tiny thing, long white gloves on all her legs, face you could only call pert, very young indeed and much too bumptious. Climbs humans like hills, sits on heads, dives into their very odd morning meal: called mewsel or something. Then skids down their backs and you know how ridiculously sensitive they are to fleshwounds. Attacks dogs, just when we'd come to terms. Usually pursues own tail, but sometimes mine, and she bites. Obviously dreams of being a lion and anything that moves is a gazelle, humans included. Staff have tried games, affection and isolation, but nothing seems to civilise the creature. Dogs say she's a rat with military training. Myself, suspect she's some kind of subversive. My suggestion she leave, this being a gentleman's club, not taken kindly by Arabella or by the staff. So I ask you: how to tame a kitten who can't be kept out of anything. She's even taken my chair and my place in the middle of the fireplace and a gentleman hardly knows whether to swipe or smile.
Humans ineffective as usual, so most grateful for your advice.
Your friend Ze.

Dear Ze,
She's young, she's flighty and she's a female cat! Whaddya expect? She may not even have been neutered. Why do you think humans sometimes call their females sex kittens? It could have been of the greatest interest, except that you had the alteration, the op, the snip, the cut. I dream of sex kittens but waking it is no such matter. Like you, that part of my life disappeared for ever after humans snipped me.
Perhaps this is just as well. We can relax into the deep peace of the chaise longue instead of the hurly burly of life on the tiles. None of this helps much with your troubles with Arabella. I think this is a claw and order issue. Stop this gentleman nonsense. Biff her but biff her with claws retracted. That kind of swipe - rough but not vicious - should establish yourself as top cat again.
Wny on earth haven't your humans installed another chair especially for her? And what about the double bed? Is there space for both, preferably with humans in between? Maybe an electric blanket or a snugglesafe on the spare room would help give her a warm night. And why only one fireplace when there are two cats? I hope they have at least installed another litter tray and also a second feeding station. You need two of everything.
Cats don't share. Geddit, you stupid humans? Sharing is a doggy thing not a feline thing. We compete or we ignore.
We need our own space which means our own feeding station, our own beds (plural), our own chairs and our own place at the fireside. Two of everything if there are two cats. That way we don't have to share. Sharing is stressful for us. The ideal relationship inside the same house is one where each cat has about 3 metres distance at all times from the other, different places to sleep, to eat and to defecate. A proper distance should be available at all times.
Sometimes I despair of humans.
George