Dear George,
As you can see, I am King Winston of English descent and I was the king of the house…..until my housekeepers moved to a new house. As soon as we moved to this new place, my male housekeeper “took" away from me the Master Bedroom and Master King Size Bed! I know he is of English descent too, but I don’t think we are related (unless he is one of some unknown relative’s of mine off springs). Anyway, this is LES MAJESTE (and I hope he knows what that means)! George, William, Oscar…. I need all your help to kick him out of the Master Bedroom. (I want him down in the basement – that’s where he should be). My female human is very nice, a real lady and very kind. I don’t mind to share my king size bed with her. I know that if I start pushing inch by inch…..soon I’ll have the whole bed for me. But…what can I do about my male human? How can I move him fast in the basement?
In bewilderment Sir Winston
Dear Sir Winston,
It amazes me that your female human doesn't prefer you to a mere human in the bed. Such beautiful green eyes, elegant white spats and shirt front! Surely he's not as elegant as you are? OK, so I realise there are some things he can do which you can't (I presume like me you've been fixed). But can he purr? I bet he can't. It is outrageous that he thinks he has the right to sleep in your Master Bedroom. The man needs to be put in his place - well below Alpha cat, Sir Winston.
So how do you get him out of the Master Bedroom and into the basement? There is a choice - purr or claw. The purring method consisters of pretending to be nice -- too nice. Get right into his face at night - literally sleep over it. This nearly suffocates humans and they can bear very little of it. If he has a beaky sort of nose (inferior to your elegant one), it may be a tad uncomfortable. In that case simply sleep on the pillow right next to him and edge yourself so that you are sideways on but absolutely tight against his face. Not quite so suffocating, but pretty close.
As well as suffocating him, snore. Loudly. Walk up and down his body in the early hours of the morning. Pause merely to knead hard at any tender bits round the groin. This apparently loving gesture is extremely painful if aimed at the correct area and if the bedclothes are not too thick. It also looks affectionate in the eyes of the female human, so there is less likelihood of your getting booted outside the Master Bedroom yourself.
Incidentally, I assume you have put an end to hanky panky, or knookie, how's-your-father or bit-of-the-other (as we Brits call it in tabloid newspapers). Most of us cats sleep between our humans to remind them that we don't approve of it. Their juvenile humping and noise interferes with our sleep. We pet cats have turned to a graceful celibacy. They should do the same if they want to keep us happy.
The claw method of chucking a human out of bed is direct punishment. Use your male human as a scratching post. Bite his ears, or his nose - exquisitely painful. Crawl under the duvet and grab his toes or those other bits near the groin. That'll shift him fast. But it may also lead to human aggression. While there is no excuse whatsover for human cruelty to cats, humans can lose control which is why punishment in the bedroom has its risks. The unhealed wounded human is dangerous to be near! I'd go for the subtler purr method myself.
Best of luck,
George
I must admit I'm perfectly happy to share the master bedroom with my humans. I just drive them crazy going in and out, in and out, all night long. I do like to come in early in the morning and eat a bite, then jump on the bed, which is king size, and then snuggle down between the two of them under the covers. I especially love the goosedown comforter. Then after getting really warm I wiggle my way up to the head of the bed between theri pillows. It's a perfect place just to purr, however, my male human snores so LOUD it is impossible to purr louder than that terrible snoring he does! He does sometimes help me by keeping my female human awake, so she retreats to the sofa (couch) in the den (lounge). THEN, I have entire side of the bed and I'm able to stretch out and really sleep. My only complaint, really, is they insist on make up the bed every, single, day!!!! They move me to do this. I have been known to claw them when they attempt to relocate me during this very unnecessary activity! I don't think I'll ever succeed at forcing the male human out of his bed, my female human yes, but not the stuborn male, who obviously thinks he's the alpha male in the house. HUH! I must stop now, I see the king size bed has been made with all the proper coverings placed back, along with the goosedown comforter which has been carefully folded and I'll be able to snuggles up in that thing. Tootles.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't mind sharing your master bedroom with your female human, then "push" her to go first to bed. Call her lovingly and loud, show her the path to bed! Once she's in bed, get on the other side of it and lay down.
ReplyDeleteWhen he comes to bed...just pretend that you are asleep (deeply).
Try the "belly up - front paws over the head" position. Snore!
If he really loves you as much as he says, then he won't have the heart to move you - not a inch :-)
He'll sleep in the spare bedroom which should be good enough for you, right? If this doesn't work and he'll still claim his side of the bed...then probably you have to follow one of George's suggestions.
Hugs
Cayenne