Fat cats... no, pleasantly rounded and voluptuous

Dear George
I do so agree with what you say about the term ‘fat cats’. And never mind about applying it to humans – it is most impolite ever to combine the words fat and cat. Some of us may be a little portly – I myself am pleasantly rounded, in a way that I feel you would find quite charming! But the human hostess I live with imagines that I am concerned about putting on weight. I am of Russian descent, royal of course – would I worry about a thing like that?
George, she bans eating between meals – is that civilised? I plead for elevenses, afternoon tea, a little snack with cocktails, but she seldom obliges. I sometimes try a little hunting to supplement her so-called correct diet, but the staff have no idea how to dress and serve vole, so it just sits on the mat, unappetisingly furry.
I do hope, George, that you are not one of these gentlemen who has eyes only for the supermodel type. We more voluptuous ladies have so much to offer. Don’t we? I am so thrilled to be writing to you
Truly yours
Natasha

Dear Natasha,
I have always thought that the sight of a well rounded female cat was a pleasant one, though my interest (after what happened to me at six months of age) has been purely theoretical. I perturbed that a cat of royal descent should have such difficulty getting proper staff. May I suggest careful attention to Downton Abbey on the part of your humans. They can learn a lot from that nice butler and parlour maid. Deference. A proper attitude of service to those set above them.
Elevenses, afternoon tea, and a little cocktail snack would be ideal. I get these for myself by hunting. My background was, frankly, low life. I was an orphan of the streets, brought up in a Cats Protection workhouse, from which I adopted a maid of all work, Celia. She does her best, poor soul, but she is belongs more in the kitchen than the parlour.
She has never learned to dress game. I am forced to skin my own baby rabbits, and to pluck birds. But I would like to offer you a tip about small rodents. When eating, start at the head so that the fur is smooth all the way down. It may be if you adopt this technique, that vole will be more appetising.
Yours with all deference to a true aristocat
George
PS. Prayers and purrs for Cayenne who has so often graced these pages. She is recovering and will appreciate the invisible waves of love from us all.

Fat cats of the world unite against bankers.

Dear George,
You have frequently expressed your outrage at the judgmental use of the term ‘fat cat’ to describe an exploitative and possibly criminal rogue capitalist. Now I have discovered this photo on a viral marketing campaign by those Occupy people. This is the photo.
I worry that our humans, whose intelligence is, as we know, so very limited, will blame our chubbier associates for the collapse our the world banking system. If we marched upon St Paul’s and occupied their tents, do you think they would be more sensitive?
Yours in the struggle,
Scaramouche.

Dear Scaramouche,
I share your outrage. Not a day goes by without more appalling photos of cats with a certain embonpoint. There's now a whole website devoted to photographs of disgusting humans on Wall St with large cats (I will not use the word "fat" to save the cats concerned embarassment) photoshopped on. Is this website funny? Not if you are a cat.
My friend Pusskin is particularly worried that some idiotic and unfeeling human will steal this photograph, showing him relaxing at home, and put it next to an unpleasant be-suited human. He is a cat of impeccable character, unlike these Wall St spivs, and has nothing to do with banking whatsoever. He is extremely upset that some of the cats on this website look remarkably like him.
Can I reassure him that his reputation is safe? Or that the reputation of any felines of a large size will not be ridiculed. Or even blamed for the collapse of the European economy? I have heard from some Greek tabby and whites that they are particularly anxious. Admittedly most cats in Greece are slim, due to having to scrounge a poor living. One or two of them, lucky enough to find agreeable humans, have put on enough weight to make imposing figures. If the Greek banking system collapses, will they be at risk? I cannot offer much reassurance. These are worrying times for our reputation.
As you so rightly say, Scaramouche, the limited intelligence of humans (bankers in particular) makes one fear the worst. Should we march upon St Pauls and occupy the objectors' tents? I personally am against this idea. Tents let in the wet and are extremely cold. Possibly we could purrsuade the bankers to do something for us, for a change - structured feline fundholdings, special cat derivatives, collateralised moggy swaps, convertible default special purpose entities? Or just plain free cat food....
Yours with rising anxiety
George
PS. Harry Spotter has added this campaign to his list of political talking points. See this campaign grow at http://spotandfiona.blogspot.com/

Individuality, fat cats and judgemental humans

Hello George
I’m Rakishi (photo attached), a woolly black cat with a famously large tail. ( My male human says my father must have been a squirrel – that’s his idea of a joke).
I used to hang out with my friend Woody. We’d potter about the garden and sometimes have a nice lie-down near each other in the flowerbed outside my humans’ flat. I was sorry when he died. My humans said it was because he was so fat. He was only 10 kg.
I turned my attention to his flatmate Squawk, hoping he would be my pal instead. But I didn’t realise he’s a really awkward customer. No matter how hard I try he just won’t socialise with me, and sometimes he’s quite aggressive. When he’s angry and does his slow motion avoidance walk, I wait a minute and then go after him. I don’t like to give up, you see.
My humans are a cynical pair, and say he’s trying to take over my territory as he did with Woody’s, and that I don’t know the meaning of rejection (which is gobbledegook to me). They say that normal cats mostly keep themselves to themselves.
George, do you think I’m odd?
Happy mousing,
Rakishi

Dear Rakishi,
I don't think you are odd. I just think you are you. We cats are all raging individuals. We have different personalities (even human scientists, poor limited souls, admit that). Much of what we do in later life is affected by what happened in our kittenhoods. (If Freud had only studied cats and been less obsessed with sex, he might have had better insight into humans.)
Yes, cats can be very solitary by nature. Some really are the cats that walk by themselves. Others are quite sociable, particularly if they grew up in a home with lots of other cats. I am a natural loner but my companion cat, William, now alas passed away, liked other cats. He would hang out with next door's Siamese, Miss Ruby Fou. She was probably attracted by his beautiful long hair and elegant tabby and white colouring.
Squawk seems to be one of those natural loners. He may even be aggressive about his territory so I advise you to give him a wide birth. Even your elegant bushy tail may not be enough to make him change his mind. As I said, some cats are just like that and nothing much will change them.
You will have to make do with socialising with your humans. I admit that this isn't as good as the company of other cats. The poor dumb creatures have no idea of how to behave in a proper feline manner. I noticed in a photo that Celia showed me that it looked as if your female human had been influenced by your hair style - hers looked dark and sleek too. The male, alas, hasn't got enough hair to keep up with you.
But they do value you, Rakishi. They do. Put up with their faults and defects. Remember that kindness to humans pays off, usually with a bigger helping of cat food.
Happy mousing indeed.
George
PS. Your humans seem rather judgemental about fat cats.

Do humans have a sense of humour?

Dear George,

You'll see from this story in The Daily Mash - click here - that humans find it alarming when a cat is missing from their home. How can I reassure my human that my extended strolls are nothing to worry about?
What I find alarming, of course, is the human sense of humour. They spend hours with this kind of nonsense and completely fail to appreciate the amusement that a dead vole affords.

Scaramouche

Dear Scaramouche,

I agree with you that the humans sense of humour is warped and on most occasions non-existent. I have repeatedly brought in small rodents, not just voles but mice, to see if I could interest Celia in a game of Bat-That-Vole. Not a hope.

Once, after a great effort, I brought in a young rat still very much alive. At last, I thought, I have found something she will really enjoy. It leaped out of my mouth and on to the kitchen floor. Did she laugh? She screamed and left the room.

Then she came back with a Wellington boot. That looked better. Perhaps now we could have some sport with it. Maybe she would play Bat-That-Rat using the boot. The rat ran up the corner of the wall. She put the boot below and it fell right in. This seemed a promising first move in the game.

Then she ran outside with the boot and shook the rat out into the hedge. Spoilsport Human! After all my trouble! Humans really irritate me at times.

She also gets very worried about my extended twilight absences. She just doesn't understand that this is the best hunting time. Let her worry, say I. We cannot take responsibility for human feelings. I don't bother to reassure her. It is pointless.

Yours grumpily

George

Black, beautiful and very very rich......

Dear George,

I think I’m in love! I KNOW I’m in love! No, not with my so called boyfriend who only comes in for food and eats everything, my food, his food and whatever else he finds. (I know he’s using me just for food but I’m happy I can feed a hungry cat).

Well, I’m in love with Tommaso, the millionaire cat! It took me one look at him and I knew I’m in love. He is by now famous and the richest cat in the world but that’s not the reason I love him even if $13 millions he inherited won’t hurt me, right? Or the houses in Rome, Milan or Calabria! I don’t know how to clip his photo from internet but you’ll find him through Google and see for yourself how handsome he is.

He was rescued as a back alley cat in Rome. He is 4 and black! He looks exactly like you George but I know you won’t ever leave Celia for me! So, I think I’ll give my heart to Tommaso for now (but let me know if you ever change your mind regarding Celia, of course). I want to send Tommaso a note to see if he shares my feelings. I feel bold and wild and I want to impress him! So my dear George, how can I impress a handsome cat?

Love

CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

I so approve of your choice. Not because of his money but because of his dark and handsome looks. We black cats are, all of us, handsome as hell. Dark as the devil with angelic hearts. I found this photo of him on the web and have posted it here though I am not sure if it is really him. Can those dollar signs in his eyes be for real? You can read more about him here.

Getting a note to him is going to be difficult. We cats communicate by smell so somehow you have got to send him an item that smells of you - a half-chewed catnip mouse, a little piece of your bedding, or just a little tuft of fur! I am not a sophisticat, so I just don't know how to find out his address. The richer they are, the more difficult they are to contact in my experience.

Doesn't he look gorgeous. And what a wonderful life story - found on the street and then loved so much that his pet human left him her fortune. There is a human I would like to know. She must have had a loving heart to get a street cat rather than a pedigree. Wish there were more like her. We black cats are often the last to be chosen for adoption. Maybe Tomasso's example will inspire others to offer black cats a home.

In the meantime, Victoria, it's good to have a dream. Purr yourself to sleep in this new year with the thought of those deep golden eyes, that sleek black coat, and that dark black nose and those wonderful long black whiskers.....

Love George

PS. Thank you for the comment about his eyes. Yes, they do look green but the green is the dollar signs and behind is golden, I think. Or maybe just a paler shade of green. Not sure.

Happy Mew Year and a special thank you

Happy Mew Year to all my readers and their human pets. Although humans can be very tiresome a lot of the time, this is still the season of goodwill so spare a few rubs and purrs for them. Besides, there is still cold turkey in the fridge.... As they are probably getting tired of eating it, there should be a few bits for us cats.
This is my chance to thank Fluffy and Cayenne, two lovely cats who live in Canada. They are, with the help of their secretary Michelle, almost co-writers for this blog. It is they who interview other cats like Vegas and help put their letters here. They are tireless in their creativity. As a thank you I am putting on their photos.
Fluffy and Cayenne, I raise a mouse to you.
George
PS. I think the photo of them lying on the carpet suggests they eaten a bit too much this Christmas!

Christmas trees - a good chance to have feline fun

Dear George,

It’s me Vegas. If you remember I’m not one yet and this will be my first Christmas. I’m very excited but quite confused by my human behavior.

Of course I didn’t know what Christmas is and I’m not quite sure I understood it but I was happy when my human brought in the house a tree. At the beginning I thought this tree smelled like my litter but, after all… it’s fun to have a vertical litter box!) That night my human started to decorate the tree and called it “our Christmas tree”. That’s when my problems started as I thought this was a game and “Christmas tree” was the name of the game! I thought that at night my human will decorate the tree and next day I will take off the decorations and so on. I thought that whoever is faster will win. After a day or two I realized that my human is not enjoying our game. I started chewing on some decorations to motivate my human to be more active in the game but all I got was “bad cat! Santa Claus won’t bring you anything”. Now, I’m completely confused. Who’s Santa Claus? Is it Claus or Claws? Should I expect somebody else to join out game? What should I expect from this Santa guy? Should I finish taking the decorations off? I’m half through as you can see in the picture.

George, please share some wisdom and light!

Vegas

Dear Vegas,

You have discovered the true meaning of Christmas, the meaning that escapes humans. Christmas is for cats. Take, for example, the Christmas tree. What is it for? It's for cats. All those dangling bright ornaments, which are ideal to jump at, pull down and (like you) crunch up. Human think they look nice but they don't understand their true purpose -- ornaments are games for felines.

Christmas food is the same. Turkey - mmmmmmmmm. There's so much of it that you are bound to get a few bits of meat. And, if you patrol the kitchen and the dining table carefully, you will pick up some delicious fragments. And, don't forget the trash can. There's probably some delicious turkey skin there too. Just put your front paws on the top of it and pull down strongly. The whole thing will fall on the kitchen floor and the goodies will shoot out.

Yes, I love Christmas too. I don't like the behaviour of humans during this period. They drink too much catnip and behave like large and ungainly kittens. Sometimes they caterwaul strange noises called carols. But I have always loved the parcels round the tree. Such fun to pull off the ribbons, tear the paper, and push my nose through the cardboard into the contents.

Yummy Christ

mas, Vegas.

George

PS I have been sent a very nice Christmas drawing of Lily the cat, from my human friend Naimh. Here it is on the left. I think the ears are really good for a human who is only a kitten herself.

What the best dressed dogs are wearing.

Dear George,
Here I am ready to celebrate Christmas in my special reindeer costume. I hope you admire it. I think I look gorgeous.
My family often dress me up at Christmas and they laugh a lot at me. I am the centre of attention for hours in these clothes. You know how Christmas can be hard for us animals - everybody ignores us. Well in this reindeer costume, nobody could ignore me.
What are you going to wear for Christmas, George.
Willow

Dear Willow,
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, I worry about dogs. I really do. Imagine letting a human being put clothes on you. (OK, I admit there was one year when Celia put a Santa Claus hat on me. She waited till I was sound asleep, popped it on and took a rapid photo. I shook it off immediately -- a bit too late to stop the photo,alas.)
We cats do not take kindly to being dressed in human clothes. I want to suggest to you, Willow, that you make it clear you will no longer suffer these indignities. On Christmas night, when the humans are asleep, I recommend tearing the reindeer costume to pieces. And, if you can stomach it, eat it or part of it.
I am keeping a sharp eye out to make sure there are no dressing up plans this Christmas for me. I don't mind if Celia dresses up as a cat and paints whiskers on her cheek - the dumb creature can try to imitate me if she likes. I know she admires me so much that she has thought about this.
However, I am not going to stand for any reindeer heads on me. Nor do I want to look like Santa Claus. He has whiskers, admittedly, but he is a member of an inferior species.
George.
PS. Willow has just emailed me to tell me she is a deer-hunting breed, which explains the choice of headgear. She says it is the ultimate Christmas trophy. Mmmm, maybe, but I don't go around wearing a stuffed rat head, Willow!

Trees, two-timing humans and how to get on the mews

Dear George,

I would call myself SuperCat as my real name is irrelevant for this story. Why SuperCat? Because I manage two sets of adopted human pets; one on a permanent basis and one on a semi-permanent basis. Summertime I have countless “occasional” residences, but that’s yet another story. I spend my days in my semi-permanent residence eating, sleeping, playing, scratching the dog to get off the sofa, pushing their elderly cat off the armchair. The cat is putting up a fight but the others obey in total confusion. When the night comes (or when “she” – my permanent human pet - comes from work) I move to my permanent residence where I train my human into “cat adoration”. She almost reached “perfection”.

Also, I keep an eye on the neighborhood and my two houses from a strategic place as you can see in the photo. I “melt” into that tree and no one sees me there. But, my spot is in danger as I heard my adopted human male saying that he wants to cut the tree off. I’m sure their cat has something to do with it since, I have to admit, she doesn’t like me and she’s the only one knowing my hiding spots. This cat put in this man’s mind that the tree is dead and better cut it off …..just to get me off her property; I’m sure that’s the reason.

But George, I can’t let this happen since there are no other trees “with a view”.

I will hung on and fight for my tree until the last breath (of the tree, of course) but may be you have a better idea how I can reclaim my tree? Should I call the municipality? By the way, aren’t trees protected?

Anxiously yours,

SuperCat

Dear SuperCat

Congratulations, you are showing all the initiativeness and deviousness that makes us cats rulers of the world. Setting up two homes is an extremely intelligent move for any urban cat. One home for the evening meal, full central heating, warm beds, and nice breakfast. The other for daytime - lunch, full central heating, warm beds for that post lunch nap, and perhaps a small tea before setting off to the other home. We cats two-time "owners" all the time and often they don't even know they are time-sharing cat. Poor pets.

Trees... it sounds a serious dilemma. Here in the UK humans can put a tree preservation order on a tree, by ringing their local authority. This wheeze may not be available in your country. If it is, see if you can purrsuade your evening humans to do this. Here it can be done anonymously (I think) and the tree owner is just told about it afterwards.

It's sometimes difficult to find a municipality which takes cats' views seriously. Write to them anyway and keep a copy. Then send this copy with a covering letter to your local paper. A nice covering letter with this very glamorous photo attached, written by your secretary, and signed with your pawprint, should go down very well. What local paper could resist this? If they have any mews sense they will run it.

Love George

My humans, the recession and me

Dear George,
I have just heard I cost about £500 a year to keep and am a bit worried in case they decide to cut my expense account. I don't have a hutch outside which needs to be kept heated in the winter and I don't have an outside run to keep clean and tidy. I try my best not to eat much hay and I only take up a bit of space under the kitchen table.
It's not as though I spread myself over the furniture like cats and dogs leaving hairs about and my cuddle blankets are easily popped into the washing machine. I wouldn't go to the vet at all if they didn't insist so they could easily save money there. I can't think of any way of cutting back on things.
Should I give up my daily slice of banana? Would that help do you think? They won't put me in a rabbit rescue home will they? Do cats cost a lot of money to keep? Oh dear,it's all such a worry.
Harvey
http://www.harvey-diaryofaninspirationalbunny.blogspot.com/

Dear Harvey,
The recession is worrying for us cats, and dogs, and rabbits. The problem is human priorities. Obviously the best kind of human pet buys the pet food first, then their food, and lastly other things like rent, mortgage, petrol and so forth. But, of course, as we all know some pets just aren't properly socialised and may act as if their needs are as important as ours. These under-educated humans badly need further training.
I really don't think you should even contemplate cutting back on your food or your lifestyle. Why should you? I happen to know that your human carers could easily cut back on theirs. The male drives a nice car - he could get a much smaller vehicle. Both would be much healthier if they walked more instead of driving. They (not you) could eat less. I mean, why don't they eat hay and carrots - much cheaper than meat and fish? Why give up your banana? They should give up their bananas.
However, you obviously love them. So here are some suggestions of things you could do. You could cuddle up closer to them on the sofa to help keep them warm - less heating costs. As you say, you could refuse all visits to the vet. That's a big saving and all of us animals loathe and detest vets.You could act as a hot water bottle by burrowing down the bottom of their bed.
I used to recommend that we cats bring in mice as a source of cheap protein for our humans. But, sadly, over the years I have had to admit defeat. They do not EVER eat them. Goodness knows I have tried. I have left a dead mouse in Celia's handbag. I have set loose a living one on their bed one Sunday morning as a treat. I have even left a dead mouse in the toaster. She came down, put a slice of bread in the other side, pushed down the toaster.... and screamed.
It was then I realised my efforts to help them through the recession were not working at all.
Sadly,
George.
PS. Cats and dogs and house rabbits are suffering when humans lose their house and cannot find rented accomodation which will accept pets. Please make a donation to your local animal shelter this Christmas - especially my original home, www.westoxfordshirecats.org.uk

How can I deal with a bully?

Dear George,

My brother Marti is a bully and it seems that my human either doesn’t realize it or doesn’t know how to deal with it. If you remember we are the three cats (Marti, Bentley and Princess Penelope) rescued from the same shelter. Marti has this crazy idea that he is somehow special and can bully the rest of us. I personally think he’s having an identity crisis. I think he’s having some self-confidence issues and that’s why he behaves like some “diva”. But, he can get away with pretty much everything!

He managed to stress Penelope to the extend that she won’t use the litter box properly.

He’s constantly stressing me by “pushing” me off the sofa or eating my food.

I’m very calm by nature and don’t like to put up a fight unless absolutely necessary.

I don’t like the idea that Princess P or myself will be taken back to the shelter because “we don’t behave”! I’d like to learn some ways to put Marti in his place. I’d like to be able to communicate to my human my concerns. And, George, between you and me, if it’s someone special in this house….then, it is me (as you can see in the photo) So George, I really hope that you and other cats on this blog can share some wisdom.

Bentley

Dear Bentley,

Being bullied is really awful. We cats deal with it by careful avoidance. Can you find yourself a place where you can retreat from him? Something like a sitting place high up? Or hidey hole where you can sit and guard the entrance - so that he can't get in. A covered cardboard box with an entrance hole cut into it makes a good retreat. You can sit inside with your head inside but looking out and he can't get at you.

Humans are dumb about cats because they are a promiscuously social species - they think we make friends and like company. They can't see that living with a bully is extremely stressful. Usually they only discover this when we get stress-induced cystitis, spray in the house, or have fights. They don't notice our unhappiness.

When we don't get on, we cannot share resources. So there has to be at least one litter tray for each cat and the trays should be in different locations. Poor Penelope must be able to get to the litter tray safely when she wants to. Sometimes bully cats sit outside litter trays and ambush us when we have to go in.

There should also be more than one food location - at least two in a three-cat house, preferably three. We cats hate having to eat close to each other. It's just not natural for us yet humans make us do it. Water bowls should be in several locations too. And there should be lots of cat beds and hidey holes.

Some people just separate the cats - with one cat living upstairs, one living downstairs. Installing a Petporte or Sureflap microchip operated cat flaps within the house can allow each individual cat to retreat to a room on its own. Or humans can operate a time share wherebye one cat spends 6-8pm in the living room, while the other spents 8-10pm.

Frankly, Bentley, if Marti continues to bully, your humans should think about rehoming him. Some cats cannot live in groups and it is best to find them homes where they can be on their own. If something isn't done, your health will suffer.

George.

Food. If you can't hunt it: steal it.

Dear George,
My name is Scotch (not as in the beverage but as in the butterscotch ice-cream) I'm the youngest (at the right) of the three rescued cats.

You might wonder what we are doing in the window. Well, we are watching some birds and dreaming of a nice supper. We are no fussy eaters and forever grateful for every meal our mommy puts on our plate. The problem is that she always is trying to give us the best quality canned or dry food but I would prefer some raw meat. I think she is afraid to give us raw meat even if she’s fully aware that in our natural habitat cats don’t cook.

We like our prey raw and juicy. There is so much confusion with the pet food industry lately that no one knows anymore what’s good and what’s not or who to trust.

So, George, what do you think; raw, cooked or canned?

Waiting for your answer

Scotch

Dear Scotch,

The ideal food for us includes mice, other small rodents, the occasional bird, baby rabbits, lizards, and a few insects. That's the food evolution designed our stomachs for.I can see from your photo you would like to get out there and start hunting down your food. We have got short digestive tracts which are there to process flesh, bones, cartilage and fur, not vegetables. We are pure carnivores, unlike dogs who are omnivores and will eat anything. (If you lived with a Labrador you would be conscious that "everything" really means everything).

So if your human wanted to give you a natural diet, she could go off and catch mice, birds, and a few insects for you. Or buy defrosted mice from pet stores who stock them for reptiles. There are raw food diets for dogs, but, as dogs have a different digestive system, these would not be necessarily suitable for cats. (Incidentally there is a firm selling dried mice as treats at http://www.petextras.com I haven't tried them, as I live in the UK).

Raw meat would be great as a treat - if you like it. But it's not a natural diet. There is raw meat in a mouse or a rabbit, but there is also bone, cartilage, skin and fur. You need all these as well as the meat. Flesh meat alone leads to skeletal disorders in growing cats. Some cats don't like raw flesh anyway. My friend Tilly doesn't. She was brought up as a slum cat on scraps and prefers to eat chips and old bread.

So I think it is probably safest just to accept the tinned or dried food given to you by your human. Make sure that it is a good petfood manufacturer. Besides, you can supplement it by raiding the kitchen food preparation surfaces. It's not too difficult to learn to pull down the trash can. Make feeding more fun. It's good for your to have to work for your food. If you can't exercise by hunting, then exercise by stealing.

Yours

George.

The power of laughter and play to train a human

Dear George,

My name is Zoe and I came from a shelter as my daddy’s birthday gift. I love my new home – it is a big, beautiful house with many sunny spots where I can take a nap or just relax. I’m allowed to go in any room I want to but I’m not allowed to sleep in the master bed yet! But I am happy! They even share dinner with me! So, you might ask why I’m LOL? Well, when they came to pick me up at the shelter…I overheard mommy saying that SHE is not a cat person. Aha! Look at me (in the photo): in less then a week I had her wrapped around my little paws. Now…..she’s in love with me! Of course I make her believe that I’m all hers J and…. this is my little secret (daddy knows)!

But George, I need to learn more tricks to keep her wrapped around my little paws; I have to take over the master bed too! See, I’m young and cute but I don’t have much experience. I’m sure you can help; any ideas, suggestions?

Hugs

Zoe

Dear Zoe,

Congratulations on adopting two new humans from rescue. It was particularly kind of you to choose the female, even though you heard her say she wasn't a "cat person." Sometimes that kind of human gets overlooked by cats thinking of adoption and a new home. These humans haven't been socialised to cats. But, as you are discovering, it is surprisingly easy to rehabilitate them and change their basic attitudes towards cats. All it takes is a little basic training and behaviour modification.

You have started well. The very first essential in any behaviour modification programme (or bmp as we human behaviourists call it for short) is to create and strengthen the bond. The human must look to you to get its needs met. What are these needs? In my opinion humans are starved of appropriate touch, vocalisations and play. We cats supply their cravings for stroking, rubbing, purring, laughter and play. That is how we reward them with our very presence.

Now that you have got her craving the rewards that only you can give her, you can start the secondary training. You need to get her used to the idea that you will visit the bedroom. Little by little. Don't start at night, as she is obviously still anxious about sharing a bed with you. Visit the bedroom during the day, have a little sleep on the bed, or, better still, if she is in the room jump on the bed, lie on your back and give a very enticing wriggle. Few humans can resist either laughing at you or tickling you when you do what is known as the "social roll." Many humans also enjoy it if you play kitten games while they are trying to change the sheets.

The idea is slowly to get her used to the idea that you get on the bed. We academic cats call it "habituation" and "counter conditioning." Instead of worrying about fur on the sheets, she begins to associate you and the bed with laughter and play. Finally, once she is fully at ease with that thought, wait for the moment when you can sneak on. It might be when she takes a nap one afternoon. Or perhaps one Sunday morning when she is drowsing later than usual in the morning.

Jump up quietly. Lie down in a convenient area and purr very very loudly. It usually works and a few weeks later you will be installed as the third person on the bed. Let me know how you get on.

Love George

Vets and cats. We all hate vets. They are bad, bad, bad, bad humans.

Dear George,

I’m MAD, mad, mad at my humans who took me to a vet clinic for a visit! What kind of visit is that where instead of tea and cookies one is given a vaccine? I know they called it a “medical visit” but I want a fun visit not a medical one! I don’t want any vet touching my teats, ears, checking my teeth or other places I won’t even mention. By the way; what’s the purpose of having the temperature checked? And why is the procedure different for us then for humans? Why do they “use” one end to check ours and the other end for humans? At least the vet wasn’t successful with me! I simply “flew” right on a shelf and hid behind bags of food as you can see in the photo.

But here is my main concern George; why are we being vaccinated every year? Couldn’t this possibly be over vaccination? Shouldn’t a vaccine give you immunity for few good years? Can we become sick from being over vaccinated?

Worried about us & pissed at humans

CAT Victoria

Dear Cat Victoria,

Join the worldwide fellowship of Cats That Hate Vets. We hate their clinics. We hate the smell of it. We hate their white coats. We hate the receptionists, the vet nurses and the waiting clients. All of it. We hate the way there are dogs barking in the waiting room. We loathe every single moment of visiting them because they stab us with needles, pull out mouths open to look inside, and (worst of all) stick thermometers up our bottoms. Horrible horrible vets.

The needles, they tell us, are good for us. Vaccines protect us from illness. This well and good if we are outdoor cats, or if we are cats that are going to catteries. Good catteries have to insist on basic vaccination just to make sure illnesses are not spread among their feline clients.

But, do we need vaccinating each year? Many people believe not. For the British take on this topic look at The Cat Group's policy statement. For the American view, consult the guidelines of the American Association of Feline practitioners. Both these bodies say that not all cats need all vaccines. It depends on the age of the cat, the laws of the country and how much the cat is exposed to infectous diseases. It's important to vaccinate but it is also important not to over-vaccinate. If you have a bad effect from a particular vaccine, make your human report it and insist that he/she makes the vet use a different type or brand next time.

As for taking temperatures..... uggghhhhhh. How disgusting is it for us to have that tube up our bottoms! Horrible. Undignified. You did the right thing,Victoria. Just make a run for it. If you can't do that, then bite the vet. My friend William used to hate the procedure so much that it took three people to hold him down - his human, the vet and the vet nurse. Afterwards he turned smartly round and bit the vet. I admired him for it.

So the message to all Cats That Hate Vets, is don't let them get away with it. Have claws and teeth at the ready. Fight back and fight back hard.

Love George.

Halloween and Fireworks day - be careful out there

Dear George,

I don’t know if Halloween is as popular in UK as it is in North America but I worry for all of us, black cats! We (me and my siblings) are not allowed outside on such day or night but even the kids knocking in the doors can be disturbing. They make so much noise and what for? A candy or a chocolate bar?

Plus, some of them are wearing frightening, ugly costumes and masks. Who could think of this as fun? Some people are even dressing their dogs in ridiculous costumes. Who wants to be a “bat” or “pumpkin” and then taken for a walk? Not us cats, I bet!

I don’t understand what Halloween is all about but, I don’t like it as I don’t like fireworks in the summertime. I think of it as poor taste entertainment! George, what can we do? How can we escape this “sugar rush”?

Bentley

Dear Bentley,

We have Halloween too and then later on November 5 we have Guy Fawkes day or Fireworks Day. There are bonfires and fireworks. The noise is terrible. In the past boys used to make up guys out of mops and old clothes and collect "a penny for the guy." Now they do trick and treat instead or as well.

But there are also a few feral humans who make the fireworks a chance to torture animals. Occasionally cats get deliberately thrown into bonfires. Or these feral youngsters tie fireworks to dogs' tails. It's not safe out there on the street for the next fortnight. Wildlife suffers too, as hedgehogs sometimes take refuge in the heaped up stuff ready for a bonfire - and then are burned to death.

My advice to all cats is to stay indoors as soon as it gets dark. Go under the bed if you are still scared - sensitive humans will not try to rout you out. They will leave you there where you feel safest. Even in the day time stay away from strange humans just in case they are a feral gang.

There's a special danger for black cats like you and me, Bentley. It is twofold. There is a rumour that black cats are caught and tortured or burned alive by black magic practitioners on Halloween. This probably isn't true. But then what happens is that black cats are scooped off the street by well-wishing humans and handed into animal shelters.

So far so good, you might think. Except that in the US (less so in the UK) "unlucky" black cats are slow to be adopted. So these handed in cats are then quietly euthanised by shelters who feel they can't find them homes. (in the l990s, animals shelters killed up to 70% of the cats handed in).

Please, any humans reading this, don't rescue black cats off the street unless you know a no-kill shelter to take them too. You may be "rescuing" them only to kill them. They are better off taking their chances on the street.....

Be careful out there, all you fellow cats.

George

Pain - how do you tell if your human is in pain?

Dear George,
I am looking after an elderly human who has some health problems. I am finding it difficult to know when she is in pain. Obviously when we cats are in pain, we hiss, scratch or bite if somebody tries to pick us up. She doesn't do any of this when I crawl up the bed and sleep close to her. However she does make odd noises - sort of intakes of breath, wimpers and yowling noises. Is this pain?
Yours worried
Annie

Dear Annie,
Humans show pain in a different way to us. Apart from scratching or biting when being picked up, we stay silent. We don't make crying noises when in pain. That's because Nature has designed us to stay quiet in case a predator hears us and kills us. Look at it this way, a cat who cried loudly after a car accident would pretty soon be eaten by a fox here in the UK.
We are much much more stoic than humans, who really are pretty wimpish - another sign of their innate inferiority. We usually just go very very still - stay in our beds quietly resting, may not eat, and possibly have to pee outside the litter tray if it is too far away or too difficult to get into.
Humans are noisy and show their pain in their faces. You will see her face sort of twist up. She may have an intake of breath, as you have noticed. Some humans even shout, swear, yelp or cry. Poor creatures. Just not brave enough in the face of adversity.
There's not much you can do for her anyway, Annie. Go carefully on the bed, so that she isn't tempted to push you off. Purr loudly. That really helps a human who is lying unable to sleep. Purring acts as a kind of therapy for them. We have a responsibility to our pets so try to be helpful, even if you despise her lack of courage.
Love George

Regrets... still no secretary

I regret to say that I still have no secretary. She is back home but totally doolally.... unable to think straight (she says), unable to type very much due to sore places post surgery, and, most of all, just exhausted. She even stopped eating for a few days and has lost half a stone (a bit of that came off with surgery, the easy way to lose weight.)
I have brought in several mice to tempt her appetite but to no avail. She sleeps a lot and I accompany her in this healing activity. These humans are fragile creatures. Occasionally she surfaces to do a very grumpy and bad taste blog about cancer.

I'm putting my secretary in the veterinary clinic

Dear Feline Readers,
Well, after about four years of regular blogging, I shall have to step down for just this week. My secretary has been ill and needs a surgical operation. On the grounds of human welfare, I have let her off this Saturday's blog. Instead she is helping me put up this notice.
Human pets are essentially unreliable. It is part of their inferior lifestyle that they get all kinds of infections and diseases. I know she hates going to the vet, and even more hates being put into a veterinary hospital. "It's for your own sake," I mewed. She didn't understand me, of course. Poor dumb creature. You can't explain things to them.
Back a week on Saturday. She has been told she can type then.
George.
PS. This is me trying to get that damn blackbird last summer.