Of Mice and Men!

Dear George,
Here I’m back with my report (as promised!). Reading your comments gave me an excellent idea - to test my humans hunting abilities to see if they are any good. ☺
Not being as altruistic as my sister, I think that having them working around the clock (for us, cats, of course) its’ just normal! I agree that work is for men and dogs, not cats! Remember John Lennon singing “It’s been a hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog? See what I mean? Man & dog = perfect match for hard work ☺
Anyway, here is what happened Sunday! I started by playing Beatles’s song, just to get them used to the idea of hard work! Guess what! They didn’t get the message….they just enjoyed the music! Phew!
Then Cayenne told me that “Of Mice and Men” was playing somewhere downtown.
Excellent! – Seeing this should give them the idea that men hunt for cats!
So, I rushed and got tickets for all four of us. What a disappointment! First of all, it was not about “mice” (I don’t know what Steinbeck was thinking of when he wrote it); it was about a man who took a woman for a mouse and petted her to death! Phew! Phew! Phew! THIS WAS NOT HUNTING! I don’t know what it was, but my male human seemed pretty touched and my female human (guess) was crying! Crying? Why? One does not cry over a mouse; one eats the mouse! Then, in despair, I said to my sister “let’s give it a last try”. So, we decided to take them on a night hunting spree! When the night came, we took them to a good place (where we knew few mouse holes) and showed them where to hide and wait! I was holding my breath waiting to see the first little mouse caught by my humans! BIG, BIG, BIG disappointment! I could not believe it! THEY ARE USELESS! They lack the passion, the patience and the enthusiasm for hunting. He was completely restless and she was giggling every minute.
I swear I could hear mice laughing at us! George, how can you train humans to hunt for cats? Did you train Celia? Did she catch anything yet? I mean….she’s your secretary; after all….this should be part of her job, right? Oscar Snuggles what about your staff? The Island Cats? Let me hear from your experience guys!
Love,
Fluffy
Dear Fluffy,
Training humans to hunt mice is the only area of training where I have absolutely failed. Like you and your sister, I have tried. Over and over again. I started by bringing home corpses. I thought that perhaps they would eat them and get the taste for it, so to speak. Then I tried bringing home the corpses and playing with them to give the humans the idea. I would throw them up into the air and pursue them. Play hunting - here's a photo of me in action near the dustbin. It should have been obvious to them what to do but they didn't join in.
Then, I went the whole hog and started bringing in living mice through the cat flap. It seemed to me that these would be irresistable. After all, I find them irresistable. I put them in the kitchen, the living room, the utility room and, if the cat flap hadn't been closed at night, I would have brought them upstair and placed them on the bed in the middle of the night. My predecessor Fat Ada used to do that.
Mice obviously weren't hitting the spot. Perhaps they were too small. So I brought in a couple of rats. The first one jumped out of my mouth before I got into the kitchen. The second I got safely through the cat flap and it, very enticingly, ran up the corner of the kitchen wall almost to ceiling level. Celia noticed that one and held a welly underneath it, into which it fell. Then what did she do? Chucked the whole welly, rat and all, into the garden. In one final effort I brought in a couple of baby rabbits. She "rescued" these. Why? I can't imagine. She's always complaining about the way they eat her veg.
But humans aren't rational. What is so silly, and so touching, about this intellectually limited species is that they think they are. All in all, I've given up trying to teach them to hunt mice. Let me know if you have any success in the future. I never have. I admire your persistence and your patience with them.
George
I've given up.

My plan to 'recession proof' my food

Dear George,
Since the theme of the day is “recession and economic turmoil”, I think I came up with a pretty good plan to secure my food deposit and inspire other cats (since the future depends on us). I’m going to sell bananas – see picture attached!
Our humans are vegetarians, so we have plenty of fruits & veggies in the house. They won’t mind me taking a banana now and then. Plus…it’s much safer than selling mice!
I mean…what Mog will “mug me” for a banana? Or…what human will resist buying one from me? Comm’on…how many times in a “human life” can one buy bananas from a cat? I can sell for a higher price since my products are “fair trade” or “locally grown”.
With the profit I can open a corner store! At night I can leave few bread crumbs here and few bits of cheese there….and (did you get the picture?) MICE will come in!
I can hunt all night with my sister and we can freeze quite a large “food deposit”.
Our humans will get a good night rest (no wake up at 4 am), plus our female human won’t be horrified by the sight of “our freezer” since she has no business to be in the store. I know I’ll be too tired next day to sell, but I’m going to hire a kitty (a kid looking for its first job, you know) to work few hours per day for me while I’m sleeping.
So, what do you think George? I mean…with my plan… I’m sure I’m helping global economy, increase my humans’ household income and help them to get a good night sleep, I’m creating new jobs, secure my future food, plus having fun with my sister.
I really think President Obama not only should he get a cat (and not a dog), but he should hire cats for all top governmental jobs.
Dogs are only “yes-sayers”; WE CATS are creative and come up with real solutions!
Hugs,
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
At first I was not sure I liked the idea of "work". Play, yes. Eat, yes. Mooch around doing nothing in particular, yes. Sleep yes, yes, yes. And hunting.....purrrrrrrr . But work? Work for your humans? Shouldn't they be working flat out for you?
However the idea of combining a fruit stall for humans with mice for you made me think twice about this. I mean, the general rule must be that we cats come first in the household, and humans should be at our beck and call. But clearly this ridiculous fur-less species has got itself into a hole (alas, not a mouse hole) and perhaps the superior species. Felis silvestris catus, has got to break the habit of a lifetime and do something altruistic. I really admire you for thinking outside the litter box.
Couldn't agree more about Obama. The problem with the banking system fat cats was that they were not cats. They were humans. Time for a new species label of Homo non-sapiens, perhaps. If cats ruled the world, things would be very different.
Indeed there's an old Chinese folk tale that cats did once rule the world. After several thousand years of trying to cope with plagues, volcanic eruptions, floods, war, folly and greed, they called a conference of all the wisest cats - a sort of C-20 conference. After serious and long deliberation, they agreed that these problems were insoluble and it was a waste of time trying to do anything about them.
So they handed over ruling the world to men, who were stupid enough to think that they could do something about them.
Hugs and rubs,
George Online Cat
PS. A reminder - send me your posts and photos via www.celiahaddon.com

How do you take revenge on your humans?

Dear George, Inspired by the general worries about the economy, I thought starting my own “food bank”. I mean….banks rise and fall (see what’s happening in the human realm?) but I still think it’s worth a try. If I open a “cat food bank” not only that I’ll have my food secured, but I can even make a profit charging a reasonable interest on “mice deposits” when other cats will come to borrow, right? See George, I have the “street smarts”; I was rescued from streets at an early age. I guess I was only 4 weeks old when my female human found me. Anyway, last Sunday….I went hunting thinking that if I start early I can “increase” my assets considerably by the time the economic crisis will reach a peak. After hours and hours of waiting in a bloody cold I finally caught my first “would-be” deposit. I hurried back in the house and “deposited” it in the laundry room thinking that it’s the safest place for the time being. I mean….it was Sunday after all….what human will even enter the laundry room? Well…..my female human did! And ….she “knew” immediately! It is possible that she’s a mix? I mean something human-cat? Can she smell mice? I know she can purrr! But she won’t eat mice! Au contraire! She looked completely disgusted and threw out my first asset – just like that…..“blowing in the wind”. I was fuming! THIS can not go unpunished! Not only that she threw away my food deposit but she was destroying my young entrepreneurial spirit. So…I was thinking of a way to punish her; should I let her sleep alone? No, that’s too easy – she might even enjoy having the whole bed for herself! Should I look unhappy? I can’t …since she’s already making that “unhappy & upset” face. May be I should refuse to eat? No, my brother will eat all and I hate this happening. Then….it struck me! I’m going to pee (excuse my language) on her freshly done laundry. This should teach her a lesson! And…..so I did! I can tell you that she was still in shock today! George, do you think I was too tough? I mean….I know she saved my life….but wasting my food? Can you suggest any other punishment? What other cats think? A bit confused, Minnie
Dear Minnie,
Thank you for a very creative contribution to the Great Debate on Food and Humans. Fluffy has suggested storing dry kibble round the house. Oscar Snuggles is getting on with the serious business of hunting down further food supplies, such as young rabbits. William the Wimp is coming out of winter hibernation on Celia's bed, to start on his summer campaign to rid the nearby fields of bunnies. His only problem with the potential recession food threat, is that he will only eat the head, though his former companion Fat Mog ate every little bit except the four paws.,
I thnk peeing on the laundry was a wonderfully inspired idea for human punishment. I am not surprised that your human was in shock. Brilliant choice of location. Brilliant leadership move to make yourself Alpha cat. Congratulations, Minnie. You are the inspiration for the dark days of the recession ahead.
George
PS. This post is short from me - though deservedly long from Minnie, because my secretary Celia is off to Sparsholt College for a week's lectures.

Help! World financial meltdown is threatening my food bowl.

Dear George,
Now I truly understand about the international banking collapse that is wrecking the world economy.... it's come home to my food bowl. I overheard my humans discussing how they could cut back and they suggested buying cheaper cat food. Cheaper cat food? Can you believe it? I mean, I know times are bad. She hasn't bought a pair of shoes for three months. But I never thought it would get that bad. Lehman Brothers, Northern Rock, Bradford and Bingley and now my little portion of Sheba. Any suggestions?
Jim
Dear Jim,
You will have to put in a self-help recovery plan. We cats can't rely on the UK's Prime Minister Gordon Brown or even the USA's Barrack Obama. Gordon Brown seems to have even less feline than financial expertise (he seems to have a thing against 'fat cats') and Barrack Obama is getting a dog. Admittedly he is rescuing a dog, but for all that it's a dog not a cat.
First, you need to put in place an alternative supply food programme. What does this mean? It means a covert place where you can eat your fill without your humans knowing. If you have access to a cat flap, take a walk down the road and beatle into any other cat flaps that you find. Eat the cat food put down for other cats. Or, keep an eye out for a sympathetic human, and sit at their back door. If they let you in, eat a few crumbs of dry bread from the kitchen floor or under from the bird feeder. This will convince them that you are hungry and with luck they will give you something to eat.
Once you have this part of the food programme in place, stop eating the cheap food which is put down for you. Just say no. Go up to it, look at it, look up at your human with a pained and sorrowful expression, then slowly and sadly walk away. Here is where sheer acting ability comes in. Pile it on thick, particularly that upward look of a starving cat! If you can, eat a few crumbs of dry bread that have fallen to the kitchen floor. Walk away with a slight totter, as if weak from lack of food.
This'll slay them, I promise you. If you can keep it up for a week, they will give in. Humans underestimate feline persistence.
George
PS. Please - help with tips for ensuring good food.

How can I throw my human out of the Master Bedroom?

Dear George,
As you can see, I am King Winston of English descent and I was the king of the house…..until my housekeepers moved to a new house. As soon as we moved to this new place, my male housekeeper “took" away from me the Master Bedroom and Master King Size Bed! I know he is of English descent too, but I don’t think we are related (unless he is one of some unknown relative’s of mine off springs). Anyway, this is LES MAJESTE (and I hope he knows what that means)! George, William, Oscar…. I need all your help to kick him out of the Master Bedroom. (I want him down in the basement – that’s where he should be). My female human is very nice, a real lady and very kind. I don’t mind to share my king size bed with her. I know that if I start pushing inch by inch…..soon I’ll have the whole bed for me. But…what can I do about my male human? How can I move him fast in the basement?
In bewilderment Sir Winston

Dear Sir Winston,
It amazes me that your female human doesn't prefer you to a mere human in the bed. Such beautiful green eyes, elegant white spats and shirt front! Surely he's not as elegant as you are? OK, so I realise there are some things he can do which you can't (I presume like me you've been fixed). But can he purr? I bet he can't. It is outrageous that he thinks he has the right to sleep in your Master Bedroom. The man needs to be put in his place - well below Alpha cat, Sir Winston.
So how do you get him out of the Master Bedroom and into the basement? There is a choice - purr or claw. The purring method consisters of pretending to be nice -- too nice. Get right into his face at night - literally sleep over it. This nearly suffocates humans and they can bear very little of it. If he has a beaky sort of nose (inferior to your elegant one), it may be a tad uncomfortable. In that case simply sleep on the pillow right next to him and edge yourself so that you are sideways on but absolutely tight against his face. Not quite so suffocating, but pretty close.
As well as suffocating him, snore. Loudly. Walk up and down his body in the early hours of the morning. Pause merely to knead hard at any tender bits round the groin. This apparently loving gesture is extremely painful if aimed at the correct area and if the bedclothes are not too thick. It also looks affectionate in the eyes of the female human, so there is less likelihood of your getting booted outside the Master Bedroom yourself.
Incidentally, I assume you have put an end to hanky panky, or knookie, how's-your-father or bit-of-the-other (as we Brits call it in tabloid newspapers). Most of us cats sleep between our humans to remind them that we don't approve of it. Their juvenile humping and noise interferes with our sleep. We pet cats have turned to a graceful celibacy. They should do the same if they want to keep us happy.
The claw method of chucking a human out of bed is direct punishment. Use your male human as a scratching post. Bite his ears, or his nose - exquisitely painful. Crawl under the duvet and grab his toes or those other bits near the groin. That'll shift him fast. But it may also lead to human aggression. While there is no excuse whatsover for human cruelty to cats, humans can lose control which is why punishment in the bedroom has its risks. The unhealed wounded human is dangerous to be near! I'd go for the subtler purr method myself.
Best of luck,
George

Favourite TV programmes for cats.

Dear George,
My humans purrsuaded me to watch a Garfield movie the other day. I didn't think much of it. They seem to think I should enjoy watching another cat. I don't. What I enjoy is wildlife - preferably small and squeaking but flappy and twittering will do. I was inspired by the picture of Cayenne on the TV to send you this photo. You can see that I am interested but only mildly.
William

Dear William.,
I share your TV tastes. My favourite TV programme used to be Wildlife on One. Now that the winter is gone, or nearly gone, my interest in TV is very limited. Small and squeaking is far better in reality than on a screen and the same goes for flappy and twittering.
My predecessor Fat Ada, a large black and white that had livedon the streets of London where wildlife was limited to pigeons, was once given a video called Cool for Cats, invented by Peter Neville of cat fame (see www.coape.co.uk).She was not much taken with the goldfish scenes (though cats with aquariums tell me the goldfish are as fascinating as interactive TV), though she occasionally enjoyed snooker - balls going into mouseholes rather like mice disappearing.
Mac, as beautiful and black as I am, used to adore Big Cat programmes. He was entranced by lions chasing zebras or leopards pulling carcases up trees. He would sit growling at the Big Cats, as if to warn them not to come out of the TV and into his living room. Then when the programme stopped, he would look satisfied. He had growled and they had - eventually - gone away. He was Some Bad Cat to have seen off lions.
Personally Gafield leaves me cold and I have never enjoyed Tom and Jerry cartoons. They are a slur on the feline species. Mice don't win. They may escape but they don't win. I think the man who invented Tom and Jerry was a rodent.
Yours
George, mouse exterminator.
PS. What do other cats watch?

I hate jogging; I’m a yoga girl!

Dear George,
I believe that my wellbeing is in big danger. Let me tell you why I think so!
This past Sunday, I and my sister, Fluffy, woke up our male human at 6 am
to serve us breakfast, which he did willingly and then he went right back to sleep.
By 7 am I felt like playing so I start calling out on our female human.
I heard her saying “it’s Sunday - I want to sleep”. First of all, how is a Sunday different than any other day of the week? If you ask me….it’s not! Then…why should they sleep longer on the weekends? They shouldn’t! So, I completely ignored her comments and kept calling out on her.
Finally she called my name and there I was….happy, hoping that we’ll play. I jumped right on top of her (as she was sleeping on her left side). And….guess what? Instead of getting a kiss and a rub, I heard “Oh! dear…you are getting too heavy” and then she told the male human “we have to do something about this; we have to cut back on her food and exercise her more”. WHAT? Is she crazy? I WAS PARALIZED! SPEECHLESS!
I panicked but I was thinking fast; what George would advise me now? What should I do? Punish her? No! Reward! That’s it! George would tell me to reward this crazy creature. So, I pretended that I didn’t hear her comments and I started grooming her right arm. I did this very thoroughly trying to find a flea or something, so she’ll realize I saved her life. But, instead of showing any gratitude…I guess she felt offended by me assuming that she can still have fleas after taking a shower the night before.
Well, I got so put off by her attitude! Such arrogance! Then...it hit me! What on earth did she mean by “having me exercise more”? Running up and down the stairs, like Fluffy? Jogging? I hate jogging – I’m a yoga girl! And she knows that! Each time she does yoga, there I am helping her. For example; when she does the Lion’s pose (the one where she bends forward sticking her tongue out – yak!) I quickly clamp on her back trying to push so she’ll bend forward properly. Or if she’s doing Cobra (when she lies down flat on her belly) I quickly jump on her back just to make sure that she stays still and holds her breath. Do you think that she ever thanked me for this? Nooooo! And….between you and me…I don’t even think she’s serious about yoga because when I’m trying to help she starts laughing until she “shakes me” off her back. Insensitive traitor; that’s what she is!
Not to mention that later on the day, she said something about “fasting”. I mean – I know Easter is close but, George, do cats fast? If yes, for what reasons? Religion? Or, what else? I wish humans could express their thoughts better without inventing new words like “lean protein”, “less carbs”, etc. What is wrong with them? We, cats, are extremely sophisticated and yet, can express ourselves in simple thoughts and words.
What I’m going to do George? I like to eat, sleep and read! Now I have to watch out for myself and see what these creatures are up to.
So, dear George, here is a very serious question?
How can I lose few pounds (just to get these monsters off my back) without cutting back on my food, fasting or exercising more?
As I said, my wellbeing is in danger, so I will hold my breath until you’ll answer.
Hugs
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
Glad to see you are taking human training seriously, but I am very worried about your human's attitude re avoirdupois, or being well found, or being just ever so slightly teenily weenily overweight. It's a pretty worrying moment when humans start worrying not about their own weight (they do that all the time if they are female) but about OUR weight... It is no business of theirs.
Cats do not fast. Not ever. Indeed if they are forcibly fasted, they are in danger of hepatic lipidosis (if they are fat). Humans can fast safely. Dogs can fast safely But cats can't. Even a vet, that vilest of human creatures, will tell her that - luckily.
You could lost weight by the following quite enjoyable methods
1. Eat more protein and less carbs. Purrsuade your human to buy a better class of cat food with nore protein in it. This is done by refusing to eat cheaper food. Well, refusing to eat it while they are in the same room. Look unhappy. Cover it up as if it was something nasty in the litter tray. Look hungry. Quite often they will try and feed you something else. Something better and better means more meat less starch. The carbs in cat food are just there becaue they are cheap. We cats don't need them. There is one disadvantage, better cat food is tastier, so you might eat more so it might not work.
2. Start hunting your humans as prey. Ambush them round corners, run up and down the stairs after them. The running is not boring if you are doing it as part of predation or hunting. Treat them as if they were gigantic mice. Yes, I know its exercise but its fun. If you catch and wound them they will make a delightful shriek.
3. Purrsuade them to let you out to hunt real mice.
4. Purrsuade them to play more games with string with you. Start bringing them things to throw for you. I know dogs do this and we cats really hate imitating these servile beasts, but it is one area where they have got hold of a bright idea. Fetch. When you take a small ball to a human, pause, look cute, and drop it at their feet, they often respond by throwing it. And it's fun to chase.
George.

How can I stop my human disturbing my afternoon nap?

Dear George,
This is a serious matter and I need all your help as I’m close to losing my temper!
What could possible be in my human male’s mind to make him think he’s doing me a favor by DISTURBING my afternoon nap?
George, imagine this; I’m in a profound sleep, dreaming sweet dreams, and there he comes making some strange noises like “ciu-ciu-ciu” or “tzi-tzi-tzi” trying to hold me, kiss and pet me! He got this crazy idea that I’m his “daddy’s little girl” (see how well I trained him?) and he can’t live a minute not holding me.
I mean….I don’t mind to be his “daddy’s little girl” BUT ON MY TERMS, not his.
What does he think? Do I wake him up at noon? NO! I wake him up at 4 am – that’s when we, cats, want to play! Do I make some strange noises? No! I lick his face and kiss him. And…what do I get in return? His grumpiness – at 4 am.
Is this fair? Sometimes I even pretend I want to eat, but he won’t get up to serve me.
Some nerves he has! So, dear George, how can I make him stop waking me up at noon and making him play by my rules?
Love,
Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
This is a claw and order issue. You need to administer punishment. Remember, as with all training issues, the punishment or reward must come within a second or two of the human behaviour. They are not bright. If you leave it for half a minute they will not understand that it is linked with their behaviour. So, as soon as he puts a hand on you, swiftly claw him. You will see from the comments below that Oscar Snuggles also uses this technique with skill. Claws work.
Is this kind to humans you ask? I always consider human welfare. Kindness to humans is a feline responsibility and I will have no truck with cruelty. Humans are in our care and it is important that, while as the superior species we put our own interests first, we should never wholly forget theirs. But as I see it, a well-trained human is a happy human. Allowing bad behaviour to go unpunished is simply to allow a good human to turn into a bad one. It is in their own interests to receive swift punishment when their behaviour is over the line.
Punishment works. After you have administered a swift and sharp scratch several times, the male human will think twice about harassing you when you are asleep. You have laid down a boundary for him. You have, by the scratch, communicated to him in clear body language what you require - sleep that is uninterrupted. You will see by his rapid withdrawal of the hand that he has got the message. Because humans are wilful and stupid, it may take two or three punishments before he finally understands, but, I assure you, he will...
As for his unwelcoming attitude at 4am in the morning, we cats require not just obedience but willing and instant obedience. However, this attitude of grumpiness is best dealt with not by punishment but by reward. Purring, nuzzling, and licking are very rewarding to humans. If you have properly become ruler of the household, the humans are in a submissive and appeasing mood state towards you. In the human-cat dyadic, you are top cat. When top cat purrs, humans are excited, pleased, even a little bit overwhelmed with sheer gratitude at our condescension. What we are aiming at is a human attitude of gratitude. Happy humans are grateful for any feline attention or kindness.
So, purr and claw does the trick. It's called operant conditioning and we cats do it all the time to our humans. Only they are so dim, they don't realise.
George

Interrupting human computer behaviour

Dear George,
My human housekeeper, Jilly, is failing in her duties. Her time should be spent caring for the four of us, keeping the water bowl clean and filled up, renewing the dry food in the kitchen feeding bowl, heating the house to a tolerable level for cats, turning down the beds for us, providing a warm lap at all times and providing emotional support at all times. It's not much to ask. She doesn't have specifically to cook for us. Although we appreciate it when she shares her meals, we don't demand cooked food for every one of the 12 or so meals we like to take through the day and night. However, her care is substandard. She is spending a lot of time staring into a square lighted box, where a series of mouse tracks appear. I think it may be obsessive compulsive disorder or a kind of stereotypy. Any ideas of how to prevent this stereotypic behaviour in humans?
Blaireau.
Dear Blaireau,
There are several stereotypies or obsessive disorders in humans. As you say, one of them is the compulsive vigilance associated with the square screen of a computer, across which mouse tracks are seen. I am told that 30 years ago, this kind of behaviour was almost unknown, as computers were not found in the territory that humans share with cats, ie the household home. Such installations, with their ability to turn humans into computer addicts, were only found in the human hunting territory, ie the so called office, and then rarely.
However, for many years, there has been another square screen. This can be black and white or nowadays in a black and white version with some semi-coloured green and red version. (Humans appear to see a wider range of colour than us as they describe this as "coloured" TV.) The screen has a series of very small flickering dots through which we can see vague shapes and the humans appear to see as definite shapes. Humans also watch this obsessively.
The human obsession with TV is relatively easy to live with. First, the screen emits interesting noises such as mouse squeaks, bird song and occasionally (on Animal Cops Houston, my favourite programme where very large women rescue very small kittens and cops turn up armed to the teeth to help subdue animal hoarders) cat noises. There are also snooker games with moving coloured balls, just about clear enough for us cats to follow. I take an intermittent interest in TV programmes, myself, though obviously I am not an obsessive watcher like my human.
However, we can also use TV-watching time for my own interests. Humans have an unfortunate habit of being busy around the house doing displacement activities when they should be cat caring. A human watching TV offers an inviting lap and, even though humans are not as intelligent as cats, they are capable of doing two things at once - stroking us at the same time as watching.
TV watching can be interrupted by jumping on top of the set and looking cute. Angling a tail across the screen, attacking the screen, sitting in front of the screen and mimicking the human compulsive viewing. This activities will often distract the human and make them attentive to us again. I have added a photo of myself on top of the TV to show the sort of thing.
These can also be used to interrupt a human at its computer. Other possibilities involved the keyboard, a device which seems to influence the mouse tracks on the screen. Press this with your paws. Anywhere will do.There will be a satisfying change on the screen. If you simply stand immobile on the keyboard, a series of identical tracks will appear from left to right continuing downwards in ever increasing lines.
Then there is the "mouse". I have not mastered feline use of the computer mouse. Any suggestions for this or other TV games?
George.

Litter trays versus next door's garden

Dear George,
What are your views on litter versus earth outside? My owner is trying to do away with the litter tray. I don't know whether to object or indeed how to object. There's a gardener just down the road who dug his vegetable patch last autumn (it's frosted and hard now) and there's a field with some corn growing in it. I could settle for those. But sometimes I think it's easier, and it's warmer, if I just use the indoor litter tray. What are your views?
Fred.

Dear Fred,
I am in favour of both. In the summer evenings I enjoy strolling down to the vegetable patch to see what Celia has been doing for me. When she's about to sew some seeds, there is often a nice fine tilth. Just what I need and with a pleasant earthy odour - until I use it. Next door's flower bed is quite inviting at times too. Mind you, sometimes the gardener objects. I have known gardeners that threw plant pots in unjustified aggression.
As for indoor litter, well indoor cats have to use it. The problem is sometimes the type of litter. Most of us cats like fine grained litter rather like sand. Clumps are useful for humans. They encourage them to clean up each time we go. It's expensive, of course, but what kind of human saves money on her cats? Besides, my personal view is that the more expensive easy-to-clump litter is cheaper in the long run.
Have your trained your human to clean up the litter tray often enough? She should clean in morning and evening - in the way that an old fashioned parlourmaid used to light fires in the bedrooms morning and evenings. This is the minimum. Personally I have trained Celia to clean more often if she is at home. I have convinced her that the only way to reduce the smell is to clean it as soon as I use it. If it gets too dirty (in my opinion) I wait till she cleans it, then I use it. It makes the point nicely.
Deodorants? I don't go there. They smell fine for humans but horrible to cats. Sometimes they even smell as if there has been an intruding tom in the house.Deodorising plug-ins or air fresheners? Even worse. We cats have sensitive noses. Human noses are barely functional so these artificial scents to use are the equivalent of how loud rock music day and night would be to them. None of us felines like them and some cats show their hatred of them by spraying them.
So, to sum up, litter trays should have fine grained expensive litter, cleaned twice a day, without deodorant sprays. The litter tray should be in a secluded area. Who wants to have to go to the toilet with everybody watching? Humans don't. Why do they sometimes think we will?
Finally, there should be generous amounts of litter. I like to DIG. It is part of the pleasure of relieving oneself. I get in, sniff a bit, dig a bit, then choose my area for the real digging and do it. Afterwards, I turn round, inspect what I have done (rather like Germans do with those specially designed human lavatories), and then dig to cover it up. I then jump out of the litter tray and rush upstairs or behind the sofa. Why? Because I feel like it. That's why. It's the litter skitter.
So, Fred, train your human to keep the litter tray down in the house. You will appreciate it in cold nights and it will be a godsend when you are ill. Lay down proper feline rules for type of litter, amount, type of tray, location and cleaning.
The ultimate sanction is simple. If you don't like it. Do it someplace else. The bed would be a good place to make sure she notices.
George
PS. Secretary away for this coming week. Back to college.

Why do humans allow snow?

Dear George,
I resent the way my humans fail to adjust the weather the way I like it. Outside at the moment there is a lot of very very cold wet fluffy stuff called snow. While kittens may enjoy this sort of thing, it is not suitable for a relatively old gentleman (nearly 14 years) like myself. I don't enjoy it. It clogs up the hair on my feet and, as you can see from the picture, I come in as soon as I can. I take this as a personal insult from my human.
William.

Dear William,
I share your exasperation at the thoughtlessness of humans. Of course they should do something about the weather. After all that banging on about being top of the evolutionary tree. If they want to keep cats, they must make sure they supply suitable conditions. It's not good enough to pretend they are powerless. I assume you have mastered the art of the reproachful glance upwards, as you look out on the cold landscape of the garden. Make your human feel guilty as hell about it.
Snow has possibilities, however, in the game of teasing humans. The best tease of all, is to refuse to use the cat flap. Look helpless and reproachful. Give the impression that it has iced up. Then hang about waiting for them to open the door. Once they do this, position yourself halfway in and halfway out, so they can't close it. Now sit and contemplate the snow from a position of relative warmth while a cold gale roars through the house.
Next, if they are so unkind as to boot you out, go straight to the bird table. (I assume your animal loving humans have one). Take up position there and ambush any incoming finches, robins, and blackbirds. Your humans will open the door and call you in PDQ. There's no need to catch one. Just the threat of slaughtering the poor little birdies will upset them nicely.
Finally, collect as much snow as you can on your feet. Get positively clogged with it. Then walk carefully in and, at an appropriate time and place, shake each paw to scatter the icey snow. If you are lucky you can do this somewhere your humans will really notice it. If they are still in bed on an ice-cold morning run upstairs and shake your paws on their face.
That'll larn them. They won't try to make you go out in the snow again.
George

What will 2009 bring for cats?

Dear George,
It's 2009 and here I am sitting in the Cats Protection main rescue centre - The National Cat Centre, in Kent. For me it's a gloomy outlook. I've lost my home and I don't know when I am going to find a new one. I feel disorientated and stressed out. What will the New Year bring? How am I going to cope?
Pumpkin

Dear Pumpkin,
Don't despair. At least you are in the warm and you are getting two meals a day and, best of all, if you are patient you WILL find a new home. Here in the UK we have lots of no-kill shelters that do not put down healthy cats. In the US, where the animal rescue movement is a little behind us, many many cats are just euthanised for lack of a home.
It's much worse for those cats trying to survive on the streets. Or those ones sheltering under the hedges, shivering, who have lost their way in the countryside. Or the cats in towns, who are sheltering in basements, some of them injured from road traffic accidents. Without food. Without warmth. Without human help.
You are a tabby tortoishell and you look beautiful so you will be picked quite early. It's worse for the black cats and the black and white ones that don't look so good. They will have to stay longer. I heard a horrible story about an animal shelter in Ohio where people hand in black cats are Halloween, because they think they will be safer there than on the streets (where they might be used for black magic sacrifices and torture). But 9 out of 10 of these black cats are just euthanised.
Where was I? Well luckily the animal movement bother in the UK and in the USA is working hard on trying to improve the way they find homes. Most of all, they need more animal adopters. The quicker there is a turn-round from unwanted pet to new home, the more animals can be helped. But of course, if they just hand out animals any how, the adoptions may fail. It's quite a dilemma getting it right.
So what do I wish for in 2009? I wish for more people willing to adopt the less attractive cats. Please adopt the ugly ones, the black or black and white moggies, the old, the disabled and the frankly bad tempered. They need help most. Every cat that is given a home from a rescue centre, leaves a pen for a new one. So by adopting a cat, a human is helping two, not one, cats.
Also money helps. With the financial heltdown, all rescues need cash. Cats Protection lost several million pound in the Icelandic Banks disaster. If you can help visit www.cats.org.uk or take a look at my kittenhood home at www.westoxoncats.co.uk If you are very, very lucky, your human could adopt a sleek, shining, and intelligent black cat like me.
George