A kitten's cry for help.

Dear George,

I don’t know if I should be more worried about my wellbeing or my human’s wellbeing!

I’m Vegas (yes! just like in the famous Las Vegas) and I’m about 9-10 weeks old kitten. I was rescued from Humane Society by a kind human after he took a trip to Vegas.

I don’t know what happened there - you know….what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! but, I’m really happy I found a good home. My problems started shortly after I moved into my new home and I realized that my human had a very limited vocabulary. I really think that all he knows is “no”.

If I jump on the counter ….I hear “no”. If I scratch the sofa….I hear “no”. If I want to sleep on his face …I hear “no”. If I bite his fingers I hear a big “no”. What do you think it’s wrong with him? Do you think he’s having a hangover? How can I train him to replace “no” with “yes”!

Worried

Vegas

Dear Vegas,

The aim of all us cats is to demote humans from leader to follower and from owner to slave. This can be done, initially, with charm. Think human and think sneaky. Head-to-head opposition doesn't work too well for us cats. We need to take over by stealth not force.

So try some of the following. The melting upward look of apparent adoration. The roll-on-back don't-hurt-me move. The gentle nuzzle-in-the-ear move, while positioning yourself to sleep not on, but as near as you choose, to his face. A little kitten pat on the cheek with claws retracted seems to charm humans too. Another good move is to climb on their lap, then move upwards towards their face, and nuzzle their cheek or chin.

Use your voice. Purring as loud as possible somehow pleases humans greatly. So does the prrrrp kitten calling noise that some mother cats make. Tiny little kitten mews, as if hurt, usually make humans worried or even guilty. Use these noises to reward or punish. Humans are very vocal. Because their vocalisations are meaningless, they respond well to our superior vocabulary.

What else charms humans into compliance? Laughter. Try chasing a piece of paper, a fly, a toy mouse if you want their attention. Once they are looking, you can dash about the floor. Jump in the air. Investigate their shoelaces. Sit on their newspapers. Play with your reflection in the window glass.

Jumping on the kitchen counter is allowed by many humans but some stay firm on this. The solution is easy. Show no signs whatsover of being interested in the kitchen surfaces while they are in the room. Once they are out of the house, you can jump up and eat whatever you find there, being careful to jump down before they get back.

Sneakiness pays... Charm pays off well too. After a time they will be putty in your paws.

George

Prime ministerial cats rule!

Dear George,
We’d like to congratulate the Prime Minister of Canada for the latest addition to his family. He and his wife adopted a kitten from Ottawa Humane Society.
Mrs. Harper is well known as an animal lover and she always adopted cats from shelters.
We don’t know how many cats they have but probably more then one.
A poll through Mr. Harper’s Facebook page was created so Canadians could vote for a name. The winning name was Stanley (like in the Stanley Cup).
This is another victory for feline’s world. First Larry in UK and now Stanley in Canada!
He is a sweet, cute grey kitten who made it to the top and this is just wonderful news! Congratulations Stanley!
Fluffy & Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,
This is wonderful news. At last we felines are finding our way up to top rank of political power. We have always known that we were worth it but our humans have had an unfortunate tendency to think of us as second to dogs. At last this outdated idea is being shown up for what it is - nonsense. Cats rule!
However old habits die hard. There was an unfortunate incident last week in Downing St, when the policeman at the door of Number Ten, booted Larry into the house. Larry was merely doing what all we cats enjoy - dithering on the doorstep, while the door was held over for him, deciding whether to go inside or outside. He has already trained the police to open the door for him: now he merely needs to train a "stay" so that they hold the door open long enough. How long is long enough? As long as it takes for him to make up his mind. This will be particularly important when the bad weather comes and Larry wishes to hover in the doorway out of the rain and sleet.
Proper police training will be particularly important when he comes home with a mouse. Will they let him in so that he can give to our David Cameron? Or will they try to take it off him first? What about a rat? Similar dilemmas will face Stanley in his new home.
I tried to offer Larry some advice via a popular newspaper, but they had no space for my words of wisdom. Such are the problems for cats wishing to publish. My book on human behaviour is also stuck in the doldrums, despite it being a ground-breaking volume on coping with and training this popular pet species, Homo sapiens (don't laugh at that last word).
We cats face an uphill task but now we have paws in high places it may become easier.
George
Nice photo of Stanley on the left.

Can dogs rule too? Max wins an HCA.

Dear George,

I’m a big dog! And I mean BIG! You might wonder what I’m doing here …on a cat blog.

To tell you the truth…I wonder myself, but the only explanation is that I must be a cat at heart! No kidding! May be they mixed things up at the pond? Of course I came from a shelter! But…..let’s see what would make me a cat:

I like teasing my humans. I feel such great joy chewing on their mobile phones or any slipper or clothing I can grab.

I enjoy stealing their food - I adore watching my “daddy” sipping from his favorite “single malt” while waiting for the grill to be just right and when it comes to put that big, juicy steak on it……the steak is gone (in my stomach)! You should see his face! I love him dearly but that big, juicy steak is such a temptation. So yummy! I feel sorry he has to eat the frozen meat.

I love to be pampered – I’m first to go to bed and the last to get up.

I can get away with murder like cats do; if I upset “my daddy” then I’m “mommy’s boy”. If I’m bad to mommy….then I’m daddy’s boy (that’s what cats do, right?)

I enjoy humans’ company not other dog’s – if we go for a walk I don’t like to be bothered by other dogs but I don’t mind nice humans to give me that extra rub

between my ears.

I think I’m the king of the house and I deserve the best. I’m convinced that the house is mine, the bed is mine, and the food is mine. All mine, mine, mine and me, me, me! Am I a cat or not?

The list can go on but, tell me George, what do you think?

Max

Dear Max,

I am giving you the Honorary Cat Award, for your excellent control of the household. There is no greater award than the HCA which is very rarely given to a dog.

But be careful..... I am all for dogs ruling the household, as long as there are no cats there. If there are, well cats obviously take the alpha role, dogs the beta role and somewhere near omega at the bottom are those dumb animals called humans (or apes if you are Whicky Wuudler). I assume you have no superior feline control, Max.

The difficulty for dogs is that humans train them. Or think they do. And occasionally, if you are a big dog and you get too cheeky, humans will take you to a specialist trainer. In the US and sometimes elsewhere this means a person who uses a cruel choke collar (sometimes to strangle and always to hurt) and trains by punishments. Trainers who train with yummy food are the only ones a dog should go to.

So, Max, don't ever bite your humans. You must be tempted to. We often are. We cats sometimes bite or scratch and we get away with it. Even humans realise our total superiority over their species. They accept our training methods (which however harsh do not include strangling).

I am open to the idea that feline training methods should include food treats. Chocolate would be the obvious treat to offer a human, but I have never managed to get hold of any. Even when there is a box available my humans pounce on it and guard it ceaselessly. They get really nasty if I try to extract even one choc. So I have to fall back on rubs and purrs to reward them. If you have a human under good control, it is possible to rule without punishment most of the time. As I am sure you know, Max.

Love

George

Are you a Purr Tart? Keep your human wanting that purr.

Dear George,
I wonder if you could give me a bit of advice about my brother. In my opinion, a self respecting cat should purr only after the human has put in a fair bit of effort, and even then, a purr is never guaranteed. I am concerned that my brother, Frank, may have a purr disorder. Not only does he purr as soon as he is touched, he often purrs as soon as a human makes a silly kissy noise at him, or even just looks at him. The purring often continues for quite a few minutes after the human has stopped attending to him. I've tried to have a word with him about it, but he ignores me. Is it normal for some cats to be trigger-purr-happy, or could there be something wrong? Is he just a 'Purr Tart' because he's contented?
Thanks,
Bob
PS. I am the one with the white bib and purring Frank is the one with lots of hair below.

Dear Bob
I agree with you. Indiscriminate purring to humans is not good for discipline. Your brother Frank needs some more lessons in training theory. If a reward (purring) is given too easily, it loses its value. He is devaluing the training currency and letting down the side by being a Purr Tart.
As we all know training is done by reward - purrs and rubs - and by either active ignoring (withdrawing all attention) or punishment (claws and teeth). Human dog trainers have gone all soppy and nowadays (apart from out of date TV stars) train without punishment. We cats believe that punishment is a vital tool in our training strategy. Some of us enjoy showing off our power over humans (just like out of date TV stars with dogs!).
Is there something wrong with Frank? Yes, indeed there is. He is too easily pleased - a big mistake in a cat.
Talk to him seriously. Spoiling your human is not good for either cat or human. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen is my motto. Frank needs to sign up to a claw and order programme. Now....
Love George.
PS. He may be a Purr Tart but he has a wonderful nose - pink with a dark lining.

At last - the British Prime Minister gets expert help.

Dear George,

We would like to congratulate your PM for selecting a cat for the top job. We, CATS, proved again to be intelligent, reliable and superior in every aspect to any other species! Downing Street No. 10 has brought in Larry the cat to clean up the (mice) mess in the British Prime Minister’s official residence.

What is even more thrilling is that Larry is a rescued stray who, lately, was living at Battersea Dogs and Cats Home. He was recruited based on his abilities, capabilities and street-smarts skills. He is the TOP CAT! He will be looked after by the whole stuff at Downing Street. He will run of most of the offices and official rooms as well as the garden. He also is in charge with training Prime Minister’s young children!

They absolutely will make great hunters! Like master like kids J

He proved to be fully qualified to cope with the demands of daily life at Number 10!

He made headlines in North America! Congratulations Larry!

Fluffy & Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,

Yes, at last we have an intelligent species at the top of human government. We may be able to get through the human recession, now that political life is in a safe pair of paws. I have had a word with Larry, and he tells me that he is very slowly going to take over the reins from the PM. His plan is to infiltrate himself into the heart of power.

The cabinet, those humans appointed by David Cameron, may take rather longer to subdue. However, he tells me that he will start by simply attending cabinet meetings. To lure them into acceptance of his presence, he will pretend to be asleep (goodness knows, human politicians are boring enough). Later, he will make his presence felt - his innate charisma will probably do the rest. At the moment he is taking a very careful look right round his territory and teaching the policeman at the door of Number Ten Downing Street to let him in or out, as required. Until the basics are in place, he cannot start his true work.

The press have been intrusive. Provoked by this, Larry has naturally responded with claws to a particularly ridiculous TV reporter. Quite right too. The press need to be kept in their place. He says he strolled into a press conference at Number Ten and the Downing St staff took him away, because his mere presence detracted from the human goings on. He is conscious, as we all are, that cats will always steal the camera's attention!

There has been a lot of idiotic comment in the human blogosphere about his ability, or otherwise, to catch rats. Some particularly stupid woman wrote to the Daily Telegraph to say that cats didn't catch rats. If I had lived near her, I would have taken her one as a present - like the one I brought into Celia's kitchen. It ran up the corner of the kitchen wall right to the beams, then fell back into the Wellington boot she was holding below (a rare occasion of human skill).

I'm sure all us cats will want to wish him the best. At cat purporting to be Larry can be found on twitter. His website cannot be far behind. All us cats hope that his arrival at Downing Street will encourage people to adopt from a rescue shelter (read Wicky Wuudler in the comments below).

Love George.

PS. For more details of Larry go to Battersea Dogs and Cats Home. They provided the close up photo.

I came home for Christmas.....

Dear George,
Yes! I came home for Christmas, (for real, not only in my dreams) ☺
Remember me? Trixy? I had to re-homed myself because of a human kitten who loved me very much but was too noisy?
Well….. I lived “on and off” next door for almost two years now! It was breaking my heart to see the little human kitten calling my name every single day and trying to tempt me with treats, but I was too afraid to be near him. He grew, he’s 2 ½ years old now and understands that I don’t like loud noises and I don’t like to have my hair pulled. So, in the spirit of Christmas I came home! And …..my gift to them? Fleas!
I can’t believe it but it is true. What’s really amazing is that they were happy to have me back even with fleas! They didn’t make a big fuss about! She gave me a bath and put some drops on my neck and let me sleep with the little kitten.
I only realize now how much they love me! Why was I so afraid and in a hurry to re-home? It feels so good to be back home! It feels like Christmas!
I wish all cats have a safe and loving home! Merry Christmas to you all! I am attaching a carol video at the bottom of George's post.
Love
Trixy

Dear Trixy,
Congratulations on being your own cat. We cats choose where we live and if we feel the place is no longer suitable, we rehome ourselves just like you did. Some of us set up two or three homes, where we enjoy regular meals and warm beds. I know of a black cat, Smudge, down the road from me who had three owners. Two of them thought they owned him and one knew that they didn't but they told me "he spends quite a lot of time with us anyway."
Choice is the important thing for us cats. Choice and control. The more control we can exert over our humans, the happier we are. I like to think that humans are happiest too when they have a cat directing their lives. They need a leader to look up to. It's all a question of dominance - they like a hierarchy with a person at the top. Somebody they respect and who will do their thinking for them - an alpha cat.
So Trixy your Christmas story is in the highest tradition of feline behaviour. I particularly like that inspired extra touch- the gift of fleas. You are an inspiration for us felines as a new year approaches. Happy Christmas to all.
Love George
PS. That woman has taken in a Christmas stray cat which had nowhere else to go - not a single rescue place would take her in out of the snow. I am not sure if I believe her when she tells me it is only there till Jan 2. It's in the spare room.

A cat is for life. I am a Christmas gift but a lifelong one

Dear George,

Hi, I’m Bentley and I’m a Christmas gift! It is true that I’m last year’s Christmas gift…but I’ve survived the high of holidays without being returned to the shelter! Actually, our human adopted three of us on the same day and we are still together.

One weird thing is that we were named after cars! I’m Bentley ….right as in the beautiful, elegant car!

My brother is Marti…as in Aston Martin! Ah! And my sister is …..not named after a car! (I wonder why?)

Being named after an elegant, luxurious car is not that bad as all I have to do all day is to “show off” and enjoy a pampered life. But, what if we were called Lamborghini or Ferrari? Were we supposed to “race” through the house? Are these people crazy? Can’t they enjoy Christmas? Why don’t they consult with us when it comes to names? I, personally, prefer to be a RR Phantom. Why can’t I?

George, I would like to learn more about cats and Christmas! It seems it’s a very important holiday for us, cats! What is a white Christmas? There are any other colors? And why do we have to wear that red stupid hat?

Merry Christmas

Bentley (a RR Phantom at heart)

Dear Bentley,

I adopted Celia just before Christmas too. I just had time to do so before the local Cats Protection closed down for the holiday. They won't let people adopt over the actual Christmas period - to stop people doing it on impulse and to prevent kittens being confused by too much going on during the day itself. (Incidentally, they have lots of kittens needing homes this year - take a look at the website. There are some lovely photos).

Celia wasn't the ideal Christmas gift for myself but in the long run I was satisfied by my choice. I felt sorry for her as she paraded up and down outside the chalet with imploring eyes. There are younger more beautiful humans I could have adopted, but I have always felt that we cats should give the oldies a chance. You can teach an old human new tricks, even if feline tradition says otherwise. And they are touchingly grateful when a superior species takes notice of them.You don't get that gratitude from the younger ones.

The Naming of Cats is controversial, as a human poet T. S. Elliot says. (Copyright charges are too much for me to quote this but you will find it elsewhere on less scrupulous websites). Human names for us are often quite undignified, ranging from Sooty (as if we didn't keep clean), or Blackie, to Whitey or Snowy (as if we'd let that stuff stay on our fur). It doesn't surprise me that your humans named you after cars. It's the pathetic sort of thing that this inferior species would do. I look forward to the day when all cars are named after cats - Snow Leopard, Felis, Catus, Silvestris, Tiger, Bengal, Persian, Lion, and so forth. But when did humans get their priorities right? Cats before cars is an idea that seems beyond their grasp.

That hat.... I have never forgiven Celia for ambushing me with it. She waited till I was asleep, put it on, stepped back and did the photo. Luckily it is not a very good one. You can see from my expression what I think of that hat. I would like to make a public declaration to all humans. Do not dress up cats. We hate it. It is demeaning and Christmas is no excuse.

I don't much care for Christmas, myself. I make an exception for the turkey. A little plate of turkey meat, carefully taken off the dangerous bones, is an acceptable gift. Take note, humans.

Happy Christmas to all felines.

George

PS. I will report next on Christmas day on the behaviour of my humans and the current status of the white Christmas (so far snow is six inches deep). If comments are slow getting on, it is because internet connection has been lost due to snow.... unbelievable in 2010 but that's BT!

Can cats make friends with other species? Even humans?

Dear George,
Can cats make friends with animals other than cats? These photos, which were sent to me by the human pets of the late Oscar Snuggles, suggests that they can. Of course the most obvious example of friendship across the species barrier is the feelings we have for our own human pets. But I am told there are cats that make real friendships with dogs and even sometimes with house rabbits (though one would want to ask the house rabbit for his opinion to ensure there is no other motive). What do you think? I am just at the stage of increasing my bond with a human.
Matilda Purr.

Dear Matilda,
Yes, there can be true friendships between the different species. It looks as if that is what is going on here. It's not unusual for animals to bond with a different species, if they were brought up together. The famous racehorse the Darley Arabian had a feline friend, who threw herself on his grave and died from grief. Some of us, if we were brought up by dogs, understand dog language and even groom our canine buddies. Some are even friends with house rabbits, the big ones that would fight back if we attacked them.
We cats will often suckle other animals if we lose our kittens. In Victorian times a popular street performer was a man with A Happy Family, a cage full of animals that would normally fight. The animals grew up together and therefore were bonded from a very early age. You can read about this in a classic Victorian book, London Labour and the London Poor
Personally, I would like to turn the tables. What about an experiment with a larger cage with a family inside which included, a tiger a wolf and a human? I dream of the day when zoos contain humans in cages, and we animals stroll round eating nuts and commenting on them. "Oooh look at that one. He's got a lot of hair. Oooh look at those two! What are they doing?"
And of course, there are our human pets. It's friendship but not an equal relationship with them. As the superior species, we have to take try to train them. The apes, as Wicky Wudhler calls them, don't have the temperament or the intellect to cope unless we take them in hand.You can cuddle up to a deer without a second thought but if you do that too easily with a human, you spoil them. Humans need discipline. Some of them have behaviour problems such as not opening the door for us, refusing to give us food from the table or even pushing us off the kitchen surfaces. But more often or not, their funny little ways can be very endearing at times. A cat's best friend can be its human - but only if it is properly trained.
Yours
George

My journey from victim of dysfunctional home to human trainer

Dear George,
I am on the brink of becoming a human trainer and I am eventually aiming to become a human behaviour counsellor like you with a B Sc in applied human behaviour. But learning about this species and putting the information into effect is a very steep learning curve for a cat who started life in a three-walled shed with an upturned dustbin full of straw as a home. The next 18 months in West Oxon Cats Protection gave me proper health care and regular meals, but I became disillusioned with the humans who came and stared at me, and my pen mate, Mini. I simply didn't want to adopt any of them. All of them preferred Mini and they would make wounding remarks about my dark fur and ugly looks as if I couldn't understand what they were saying.
Eventually I got so desperate that I settled on your secretary, Celia. I took over the two spare bedrooms and just lived under one of the beds for two months, emerging to use the litter tray in the other bedroom, and sometimes exploring the house at night. I didn't much care for Celia until by sheer chance I discovered I could train her to tickle my tummy. I have trained her to do this for half an hour at a time. But the woman wants to pick me up? How can I stop her doing this?
Yours anxiously
Miss Tilly Purr.

Dear Tilly,
A strong wriggle usually deals with the picking up obsession - an obsession shared by many humans. You have to understand - as your further education in human behaviour will help - that this species is desperate for our love. They are naked, awkward, and cat dependant. They seek the high of a cat cuddle and will go to any lengths to get it. These are human cat addicts. They can't help it. They are people who love cats too much.
If a wriggle doesn't work, try an Miaow rebuke. If that is not enough to deter her, scratch. If further measures are needed, bite. If the human holds you high up, go for the nose. It is an exquisitely sensitive organ (though hopeless for smelling) and a sharp nip there will really hurt.
Personally I am out of all patience with my secretary. She got above herself and has been writing a book about cats. That is my job. I am the writer in the relationship but I fear her envious nature has prompted her to try to ruin my literary career. Worse still, I have only completed two chapters of my book while hers is now in the book shops.
She has stolen my title. The working title was Humans Behaving Badly. Heaven knows, they do. Now I shall have to think of something else. I am considering stealing her thunder by using a picture of a naked human splayed across the floor in the same way as the kitten is on her book.
All in all I am in a very bad mood with her. I suggest you use strong measures and perhaps together we can put her in her place. Let's miaow, scratch, bite, and sneer as much as possible.
George

Lucky - I was saved from the streets

Dear George,

I’m Lucky - the cat! I’m a little tiny kitten that only a month ago was homeless and full of any parasite possible! I was abandoned on the streets of one small town in Europe.

Since I was “saved” by my mom I learned a lot!

First, I learn to read your blog for useful information and see what other cats do

Second, I learn that my mom lost not long ago her beloved cat for over 20 years and was heartbroken and not ready for another cat yet!

Third, I learn that with sincere purrs and ….hope …any of us, abandoned cats, have a chance! Look at my pictures and tell me if I’m not lucky!

Love & hugs to all cats

Lucky

Dear Lucky,

I was lucky too. I was born to a feral cat but Cats Protection rescued me and brought me to be a pet. That way I could fit into the home life of a different species, Homo sapiens (so called). Which is how I adopted Celia. The life of a feral cat is nasty, brutish and short - most kittens don't survive even to reproduce. Compared with that, life with humans is a cushy number even if humans are only dumb animals (can't mew, can't purr and don't know how to do body language).

Remember you are the one doing your human the favour. You have condescended to live with her. She may have rescued you but you can overdo the gratitude. You are giving her all the pleasures of living with you - the sight of your grace and beauty, the softness of your fur (poor soul, she's only got a pathetic substitute for fur which is clothes), and the inestimable pleasure of your purring (she just can't). She's the one who should be grateful.

Yes, there are good and loving humans. Some of us feel that humans are our best friends. We can talk to them about anything and they can'ttalk back - just meaningless vocalisations. They like having a superior species in the household and they enjoyknowing their place, well below the alpha cat.

So love her but remember CATS RULE.

Love

George

Am I the cat from outer space?

Dear George,

I’m the cat from nowhere and my name is CAT!

I simply appeared one sunny day in some people’s garden. I have no memories of my life before this occasion. They think I was few months old when I showed up in this tree in their garden.

However, I must have excellent training skills since my new human pets really behave.

If, in the beginning they were somehow afraid of me and debating if they should adopt me (ha! they were lucky I adopted them) now, after few months, they don’t talk or care about anything else but me!

George, could I possible be an extra-terrestrial cat? Am I an alien?

CAT

Dear CAT,

We cats all have the ability to appear from nowhere. One moment we are not there. The next moment we are there. The right kind of humans marvel at this feline ability. We can disappear within seconds and none of them know where we went or how we did it. This just one of our everlasting mysteries.

Are we aliens? Not really. Unlike them, we are embedded in nature. We are at one with the fields and the gardens and the shrubs and the trees. We can survive without humans (unlike dogs that are completely dependant on them) on uninhabited islands. We don't need human trash or human food to thrive. We are part of the mysterious animal world, that lives in the balance between species and between prey and predator.

Human kind are the alien species. They fight each other to the death (very rare in nature and very rare indeed among adult cats). They exterminate species from the face of the earth - the big cats of the new world, mammoths, giant sloths, the dodo and the passenger pigeon. They killed them all. And they blame us cats for killing birds when they are slaughtering thousands not one at a time, by concreting over the habitat, draining marshes and cutting down forests.

We do our best to civilise humans by adopting them. We hope, if they learn to love a small carnivore like us, they may become more tender hearted to the rest of nature. We try to educate them into the world of balance. We show them how to do less, notice more, and stop rushing, hurrying, and becoming slaves to money and status.

Thank you for adopting your humans, CAT. If they are beginning to love you, then you are bringing out the best in them. This species needs to learn to love. And we can help teach them.

Love George.

Why do my humans think they know best? They don't.

Dear George,
There is a rumour going around that rabbits like to get up early. I don't know how it started - probably by my distant country relatives who have to find their own food. They can dash about in the early hours as much as they like but I like my snooze time. I like a very slow awakening.
I ignore my family when they come downstairs and start their human chatter. "Good morning Harve." No, it's not good. It's early. "Where are you, Harve?" Where do you think I am at 7.30am? In bed! "Are you hiding, Harve?" No, I've left home. Go away.
And another thing, they're starting to persuade me to go outside for a run. I was picked up this morning and carried around the garden. "Look, Harve, a snowdrop!" So what? If a snowdrop wants to sit around in the cold garden, let it. "Look Harve, a birdie!" A birdie? Are they the things that have been eating my raisins all winter? Naturally, as soon as I was put down, I ran for home.
George, I am not a rabbit. I am a bun, a house bun. Which word don't they understand? How should I convince them I am simply a furry person with his own preferences in life?
Harvey the House Bunny, http://harvey-diaryofaninspirationalbunny.blogspot.com/

Dear Harvey,
I am not sure about house rabbits but I know that wild rabbits like to get up early - dawn, preferably. It is one of the many reasons why I wake up my humans at 6 to 6.30am. They are sluggish pets that would prefer to doze longer, particularly on a Sunday. But I like to get up, have my breakfast served to me, sit on my copy of The Times (while they are reading it) for a quick chat with them, and then out through the cat flap for early morning hunting.
Of course, waking times apart, you raise a valid point. Why do humans think we are all the same. We cats, house rabbits and even those poor deluded dogs, are all individuals. Some of us like to rise bright and early, while others like a very good lllllooooonnnggg zzzzzzzzzzzz. There's something odd about the human inability to realise that one cat is not necessarily like another cat, or one house bunny like another house bunny. As you say, we have our own individual preferences.
Mind you, I think this hardly applies to humans. As a lower form of life, the apes, as Wicky Wuudler calls them, they need a sensible routine. We cats and you house rabbits cannot just let them go their own way. We should aim to install proper waking times (to suit our needs), sensible eating (with our share from the table), and times when they leave us alone. It's important not to respond to their attention seeking, as any human trainer knows. Make them earn our attention by good behaviour. I think it is called a Learn to Earn programme in human training circles. It takes time for dumb animals like humans to learn but they will eventually get it.
Love George
PS. If anybody reads Japanese would they tell me if the posts that I have enabled are OK. The script looks beautiful for me and i hope they are all funny cat comments. But I can't be sure. They might all be ads for viagra for all I know - which is my ignorance of a beautiful and cultured language. Very very reluctantly, I have decided I dare not add comments which I do not understand just in case this blog is littered with obscenities (despite being run by a neutered cat). Please forgive me. English is welcome, though.

More on Christmas gifts and should humans dye their hair to match our fur.

Dear George,
Talking about fashion, Christmas gifts and human behavior!
I think I got my humans well trained, especially my mom. She is very “fashionable” and wants the same for me.
See, I got a blanket to match my eyes’ color and a little “snowman” mouse to play with. I have to mention that the mouse’s hat is blue too!
I know that actually she’s so much in love with me that she had her hair done to match my eyes too (I’ve seen some blue highlights on it) Now, how cool is this?
George, do you think I should ask my male human to have his hair colored blue as a token of love for me?
In wonder
Tom

Dear Tom,
Here in the UK the Royal Society for the Protection of Animals has taken a firm line when humans dye their pets to match their clothes or their furniture. They don't think it is ethical to do this, as they fear it makes animals into fashion objects. So I consulted the feline equivalent organisation, the Imperial Society for the Protection of Humans, (note that it is a bit up the social scale from the mere Royal of the human organisation), and their view was that it would be unethical to require your male human to change its hair colour.
Of course, we do keep humans as pets for our amusement, as well as love. Their funny little ways can be really entrancing at times and I, for one, much enjoy playing with them. They seem to appreciate the attention so much. It is sometimes quite pathetic to see their disappointed faces, when I show my disapproval by withdrawing attention. But how far should we cats go in adapting humans to our requirements?
After very careful consideration, my opinion is that you should fully enjoy the compliment of your female human. She is really showing her devotion by changing her hair colour to match your eyes. However, it would be going to far to make this a requirement by the male human. If he chooses, of his own accord, to make such a touching gesture, then naturally you will respond with purrs and rubs of the highest quality.
But, if he falls short of female devotion, and does not change his hair colour, then this must be accepted with a good grace. Forcing him to do so would be wrong. There is a move among the feline intelligentsia to admit that humans do have some rights. Of course, as a species lower down the evolutionary scale of things, their rights do not supercede ours. But we should allow them a few minor freedoms and I think hair colour probably falls into this category.
Happy New Year.
Love George.
PS. I have just heard of the death of Angel. For her obituary read: http://everycat.blogspot.com

Zzzzzz! I'm a Zen cat!

Dear George,

Sometimes life can be very boring between breakfast and dinner, especially if you are an indoor cat and alone until your human comes home!

I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong! If you remember …I was rescued after living for about 2 years on the streets of a suburb.

I do love my forever home and I do love my mom, but once in a while I get THAT urge to scratch or knock down things. Obviously mom is not pleased and calls me “a naughty girl”! So, trying to keep myself busy…..I took up meditation!

My “focus point” is a little fish in the aquarium next to my bed.

I stare at it until I fall into a deep meditation as you can see in the picture!

And I meditate (guess…deeper then a monk) until mom comes home.

I think I am a ZEN cat now! But I heard people talking about an Alpha cat!

George, what’s the difference between the two? Can I be both an Alpha and a Zen cat?

Something like the “A to Z” cat?

Love

Shumba

Dear Shumba,
Yes, fish are interactive TV for cats. Your human has obviously provided them for you to help amuse you. I see you are using them for meditation. Have you thought of a snack? Raw fish is very tasty and it is fun to put your paw in the tank and swish it about even if you don't actually fish one out! Some even more thoughtful owners provide a hamster cage for our amusement - though be wary, because if you put your nose too near the bars, these bite.
Deep meditation, intense serenity and the ability to nap often and anywhere (under radiators, on top of wardrobes, inside the bed, windowsills, near the Aga or on a radiator hammock) is something humans could learn from us. They don't know how to switch off. They spend their time working and worrying while they could learn from us the art of relaxation. So congratulations on being a Zen cat and setting them a good example.
Of course, you can be and should be an Alpha cat too. Being Alpha in the household means taking control of the family. First thing your Mom can do to keep you amused is to hide dry food in containers for you to "hunt" and eat - toilet rolls with sticky tape on the ends and holes to let the food out, paper (never plastic) bags, large cardboard boxes, small cardboard boxes to sit in (look at the photo of Cayenne on the blog entry for November 20th). And she should build some high stairs, ledges, using planks. Get that human to work.... This is the time when you don't let her nap or do Zen things, but you need her work much harder at being a feline amusement operative.
Make her get out the fishing rod toy and use it while she is watching TV. It is all on www.celiahaddon.com under Indoor Cats. Cats rule. Humans serve. If you are bored, Shumba, your human is not doing enough for you. They can be very slack in their duties.
Love George
PS. My secretary will be at college next Monday for five days so comments will be slow on going on the blog until the next weekend. I wish that woman would take her duties more seriously. Humans should be seen and not educated. The idea that they can learn anything much is just plain silly. She doesn't even clean my litter tray often enough - I like it cleaned 5 times a day.

Hi, I'm Bella. I'm a dog.

Dear George,
My name is Bella and I am a 5 month old Shitzu girl. I''m so cute that I can pass for a kitten.
Mommy is so proud of me that she is inviting all her friends over to see me.
I enjoy very much all the attention, gifts and treats, but I'm a bit concerned since some of her friends have cats. The other night they were telling my mom about your blog.
What if they suggest her to get a cat too? I really don't want to share the house with a cat. Cats can be bossy and I'm too cute to be bossed around.
George, what exactly cats don't like about dogs? What can I do to make sure that no cat will come to live with us? Sorry, I know I sound selfish but, cats don't like to share houses with dogs either.
Tanti baci,
Bella.

Dear Bella,
To us cats, dogs are ridiculous. They actually look up to humans, as if they thought humans are superiors (surely they can't!). They obey commands. They do what they are told. Dogs have masters. We cats have staff. That's what our humans are for. They are our butlers, housemaids, cooks, secretaries, grooms and nurserymaids. A dog makes a human feel like a god. Not a good thing. Humans need keeping in their place - as bottom dog not alpha superior.
There is only one safe rule - which is that CATS RULE. You are right that we often boss around dogs. We have to. If we become the underdog (or under cat) we are in danger of our lives. Dogs often hunt cats. Even small dogs like Shitzu's could wound us severely. In fact small dogs like terriers are more likely to chase cats than labradors (more gentle by nature).
Usually it all starts when a cat is introduced to a strange dog. Heaven knows, we cats don't like strange animals. We don't even like strange cats, let alone strange dogs. So normally if that happens, a cat that doesn't know about dogs just makes a run for it. The dog runs after is and Voila! the relationship is fixed into that of prey (cat) and predator (dog). So naturally we cats don't want dogs coming into our homes.
The only exception is if we have been brought up in a home with cat-friendly dogs. Dogs learn how not to chase cats when they are young puppies and we cats learn how to love dogs while we are young kittens. The best way to have a cat and a dog (scientists have proved this) is to get a cat first, then add a puppy carefully and safely. Preferably a nice gun dog type not a terrier or a guard dog sort.
If your Mom is determined to get a cat too, she needs to get one now while you are still young enough to adapt to being underdog. A good rescue shelter will know if a cat is used to dogs and find one for her. But better still don't let her... Oh I forgot, you will do what she says.
Love George
PS. This sums it up nicely. You need to read right to the end. It comes from David the Dogman - http://www.thedogman.net/

Where do pets come from? It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. . And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Introducing the sticky crunch of newts

Dear George,
When I first came into the kitchen with a newt thrashing about between my gums, my humans were – heaven knows why – shocked rather than grateful. Even though I have no teeth I managed to munch it with my gums and swallow it down. I made my trademark hunting cry of “marrp” in celebration.
Later I saw my companion Whicky Wuudler batting something about and stamping on it – he’s a real back paw stamper and his hocks are legendary for dispatching moles. Sure enough he’d got a newt too – only just a tiny one. The humans tried to interfere AGAIN. He ate it, except for one tiny foreleg. Next Oliver brought a live one into the house, whapped it around growling and took off at high speed when our humans interfered. He ate it too!
Why can’t they understand…. Newts are good to eat and fun to hunt. We bring them in to show them off to our two apes. Whicky left that leg out of the goodness of his heart so that they could have a nibble. Did they? They did not. What's more, a day or two later, the newts had totally disappeared! What’s wrong with these apes, George?
Love Gerry

Dear Gerry,

Many humans, or apes as you so nicely call them, seem to think that newts produce a foul tasting mucus to deter predators. They don't. I think they have them confused with toads, which do taste horrible, though frogs are quite nice if you like that sort of thing. Some humans even eat them - though they are so unsporting as to buy them frozen in frenchy supermarkets rather than going out and hunting their own. All too typical of this species. You call them apes: I call them Homo stupido.

Do you actually fish your newts out of the water, or do you just wait till they come on land and get them then? I know of cats that will clear a small garden pond of all goldfish. Fanny brought in a goldfish, left it on the kitchen floor where it was found by the humans. They placed in a tank and it survived for a further 15 years. It made interactive piscal TV for Fanny!

And I even heard of a cat that brought home a two pound koi carp, which was probably worth thousands of pounds if it had the right markings. Its humans never dared to confess to the crime.

Newts, frogs and toads will all survive cats (apart from the occasionally unlucky individual) , if there are enough hiding places for them in a garden - long grass, wood piles, stone walls etc.

I have never tried back stamping. Can your apes take a video of it so I can post it?

Love George

Mice training for humans - my brilliant idea

Dear George,
I've trained my human to catch mice and other little furries! All you have to do is bring them indoors still alive and squeaking, then drop them and wait. The male human generally shouts out for the female one, then goes round shutting doors, and usually picks me up and takes me away somewhere while the female has to chase the mouse. She's getting quite good at it, but I don't know why her paws aren't any use - she always has a towel or a duster or something that she drops on the prey. I don't quite know what she thinks she's doing with it after that, but she goes out to the other end of the garden where it's a bit wild near the fence, and comes back with the cloth flapping. It may be clever of a human to catch things but it's really stupid to let them go! Why not try a taste? I recommend mouse or vole as a starter, though shrew isn't worth eating, and rat is only any good when young. It's funny how I feel hungry after eating my catch, and usually top up with a lot of biscuits. Humans just don't get it, do they?
Love Foggy,
PS This is me and Pansy on the bed.

Dear Foggy,
Training humans to chase mice is a good game. It's very amusing to see them blunder about crashing into the furniture, lying on their tummies poking mice from under the cooker, and generally doing their poor best. Some even jump up onto chairs and scream. Very satisfying.
There are other amusing things to do with a dead, or even a living mouse. Probably the best is simply to carry it into the bedroom and push it under the bedcovers, where it can be discovered later on in the evening by the human. Usually this results in a scream and jumping out of bed fast.
Other places to put a dead mouse include paper envelope files (my predecessor Fat Ada left one there), into the handbag (if it is left open), pushed down into shoes where it will not be discovered until the foot goes in, or - this is the big one - put it into the toaster. Your human will discover it when she comes down bleery eyed in the morning and if she only puts in one slice of bread, the smell of toasted mouse will waft into the air. Yes, it has been been done though I have forgotten the name of the brilliant cat that did it.
Meantime, have you trained your human to EAT the mouse? Bet you haven't.
Love George.
PS. My companion cat William has joined twitter and is boasting about his prowess. Find him on http://twitter.com/WilliamTabby