#Mew Too. Unwanted touching.

We cats have private body areas just like humans. 
No, we do not want strangers to grope us in certain areas - the butt, under the tail, or just before the tail, the belly or even all the way down the back.
Yet humans ignore our feelings and purrsist in doing this. They will pet us. 
They put their hands onto and into our private places and then are upset if we nip them.
What else are we meant to do? Just put up with it?
Message to humans: Respect our bodies. Don't touch without our consent. 
Or get bitten.

* Coming shortly, my guide to human management and training

#Mew Too. Stop human pick ups.

What can a cat do?
A huge human swoops down, lifts you up with your legs dangling, and then clasps you to her/his chest for an unwanted cuddle.
It's upsetting. It's disgusting. It's a gross intrusion into purrsonal space.
Most of us cats do not like being picked up. Least of all by strangers. We have not given our purrmission for this. 
If we wanted to get to a human chest, we could purrfectly well climb up with our claws, like climbing a tree. 
What gives them the right to do this to us?
Larry the Downing St cat deals with this in his own way. He window-silled President Trump. He blew off minister Rory Stewart. And his ears showed purrfectly clearly what he thought of the Boorish Johnson photo op. Indeed, he made the prime minister stoop to get into the photo.
Felines, awake. Join the feline Mew Too Movement. Stop human pick ups NOW.


 *Next week. Unwanted Touching

INTRODUCING MYSELF - AUTHOR GEORGE

Dear Readers,
Just a few words to let you know about myself, now that I have taken over from my Uncle George.
I am the published author of A-Z. A Cat's Guide to Humans.  
(My uncle wrote a book but shamefully the publishers refused to credit him: giving credit to Celia Haddon instead.)
As you can see from my picture, I am not a cat that allows humans to mess me about.
I instructed my agent that the book would only come out, if I was given due credit. So there is my name on the cover.
At last a book by a cat.
The book describes the ethology of so-called Homo Sapiens and gives valuable hints on how to live with the species.
I have had to soften my opinions a little in the book, in order to stay within feline political correctness. 
This blog will reveal the hard hitting truths behind the book.... don't miss the revelations to come....
Next week - why we need a Mew Too movement. 

 

The cats that helped....

It is time to retire, to relax and do more sleeping. I started this blog the best part of 12 years ago when I was a kitten. I had loads of energy then, but now I find I am getting tired. My arthritis is playing up too.

Fluffy and Cayenne relaxing

I did not write this blog on my own. It was written with the help of three friends Fluffy, Cayenne and Chico and typed by Michelle Schulder of Canada. She also typed in letters by many other Canadian cats, and I cannot thank her enough.  As humans go, she is one of the best - even if that is not saying much!
Nephew George (his photo is above) will be introducing himself next week and is already busy at the word processor. Because of human interference with my sex life, George is my nearest relative. He has worked very hard to get proper qualifications and is an author in his own right -- but that is for him to tell you next week.

Goodbye all my readers. I shall be doing some hard sleep work, dreaming of mice rather than letters.

Of mice, moonlight and Colin Firth

Dear George,

I’m thinking of becoming a magician! Do you know of any cats that turned magicians?

Last night I’ve watched with my mommy “Magic in the moonlight”. I loved the movie!

I love Colin Firth (hope you like him too)

Anyway, in the movie, right in the beginning, he makes a whole elephant to disappear!

Wow! Just like this - magic! I’ve got hooked on the movie and the tricks performed by world magicians! So, I was thinking to perform a magician’s trick for my mummy’s birthday entitled “Mouse on a run in the moonlight” I have the “moon” as you can see in the photo attached and I know the trick to get the mouse in! 

But, how do I make it stay inside that light globe and run like a guinea pig on a treadmill? That’s where I need your help! What do you think? Can we make it work?

With much appreciation

Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,

First catch your mouse! Then kill it. I don't think it will stay in that beautiful moon, whatever you do, if it is still alive. It will drop or leap out. And then you have a living mouse on the floor running around the house - something which scares human beings. 

They are a fearful species when it comes to rodents. They don't catch them. They don't eat them. And when we try to help out by bringing one in the house, they often stand on chairs shrieking. Now this is fun for us, but apparently not for them.
So, anything involving a mouse, will not work for a human.
Yours
George.
PS. My nephew, George 11 (see right photo),  is trying very hard to learn how to type with his paws. Readers will learn why next week. And also why the photo at the top has changed. 

Cats, sunburn and worse

Dear George,
I have a question for you and, hopefully you’ll have an answer for me!
Do cats get sunburns? The reason I’m asking is because I live on a Greek island and some days the heat is just too much! It is true I’m fortunate enough to live in a beautiful place by the sea but there is not much shade where I could hide from the blasting heat!
You see, I’m black just like you and the plant you see in the photo attached doesn’t provide me with proper shade!
My humans call me to come inside when they leave for work but, some days I just don’t feel like being locked inside the house. They leave me a bowl of water but nothing else! They worry I can get sunburns! Do you have any suggestions?
My mum is really interested in getting your opinion on this topic!
With warmest thanks   
Bad Boy Spiros 

Dear Spiros,
Yes, cats can get sunburned, mainly on places without hair like the inside of the ear of on the nose leather. The skin gets red, it's painful so we scratch it, and that is probably when humans notice.
But there's another danger - skin cancer. This is mainly found in cats that have white areas of skin, round their ear tips or face. These cats may need the affected area of their ears taken off by the vet. 
So what can be done about it. The single most important thing for cats in sunny areas is that they should stay in the shade during the heat of the sun. That may mean keeping them indoors from about 10am to about 4pm. Once we get used to this it's not too bad. It just means a siesta. After all we are dawn and twilight animals, so this routine suits us.
Sunblock? Yes, but don't let your human put human sunblock on us. Why not? Well zinc oxide is dangerous to dogs and probably to cats. And for cats there are other dangerous ingrediates -  homosalate, octyl slicylate, and ethylhexyl salicylate. These are fine for humans but bad for cats. Alternative products, like aloe vera, may be dangerous too.
There are now special pet products available. Get your humanm to buy these for your nose and ears. And make sure your human takes you to the vet if there are red and scratched areas on you.
Sometimes we need those hateful vets.
Yours,
George

PS. Sphynx cats or other hairless varieties shouldn't be let out into harsh sun.

Do not use any products with homosalate, octyl salicylate or ethylhexyl salicylate.

Read more at: https://wagwalking.com/cat/condition/sunburn

Do not use any products with homosalate, octyl salicylate or ethylhexyl salicylate.

Read more at: https://wagwalking.com/cat/condition/sunburn

Do not use any products with homosalate, octyl salicylate or ethylhexyl salicylate

Read more at: https://wagwalking.com/cat/condition/sunburn

How cats use cars

Dear George
Why does my human not like it when I climb up on the roof of her car? Doesn't she understand I am only trying to keep vigil so that I can ward off any would be intruders? How can I convey to her that I need higher lookouts to be able to provide even better surveillance and also more of them? This will also help me to spot prey but I won't leave any as a gift according to your previous advice! It is very hard work but if we can get them learn one thing at a time that way we can slowly make them better assistants to ourselves and our objectives.
Yours
Rupert

Dear Rupert,
Humans have not the slightest idea of how useful a parked car can be. They are like trees for urban cats. We can sit on them in order to be vigilant; we can hide below them; we can warm ourselves up on the bonnet of a car that is still warm; and we can leave scent messages on them.
As you say, they don't understand. They have the cheek to object when occasionally we leave paw prints on the car yet they don't give us any decent alternative high sitting points. Why not? Because they don't have the imagination to know we want them.
 So what can we do about this? Just be patient and purrhaps get them to read this blog.
Yours
George

Of cats and feline temper.....

Dear George, 

I think I have an anger management and impatience issue! Don’t get me wrong – I do a lot of soul-searching and self-development work! I meditate, I do yoga (as you can see in the photo attached), I chant (ah! you should listen to my meowing repertoire) and, still, at times, I feel like smacking someone, especially my humans when they don’t understand or pretend do not understand and are slow reacting to my demands! They say I’m high maintenance! Of course I am – I’m royalty after all, right? But, if I snap it won’t be pretty! So, George, do you think it’s me? What do I do?

Impatiently yours,

CAT Victoria

Dear Victora,
You are not alone. Dealing with humans on a daily basis can be absolutely maddening. It's been argued that humans can think but, apart from "higher" order thoughts such as Freudian analysis, Brexit and the God particle, it seems to me that they are just dumb animals. They lack both wisdom and understanding.
Be patient. I know you can be, because all cats are patient enough to sit at a mouse hole waiting for a mouse to poke its nose out. Apply this patience and your own purrsistence to your relationship with humans. They may have poor purrception but they can be trained. Do not give up. 
Yoga for cats works. It is true that we do have a little difficulty with one of the five guidelines for a harmonious life – asteya, non-stealing, but we are truly skilled in brahmacharya, the wise use of energy.
Yours
George.
PS. My nephew George is working on a book that will help cats in their dealings with humans.  It will be published in the UK this September.

Food bowls - what we like and what we don't.

Dear George,

I’m still scratching my head (metaphorically only) to understand why so much fuss about our food and water bowls. I never paid attention to what other cats eat or drink from because I took it for granted that we all eat and drink from stainless steel bowls but certainly this isn’t the case! 
Last night I paid a “welcome to the neighbourhood” visit to my next door kitty and, of course, since she’s the newest on the block I felt like it was my responsibility to check her food, water, surroundings, etc.- you know, just in case that one day I’d like to eat at her place! I’ve seen that she’s eating and drinking from plastic bowls that display little paws and cute kitty faces. 
I run back home to grab my mummy to show her these cute bowls! Oh boy, I still don’t know if that was a good idea since my mummy started lecturing this kitty’s human on the dangers of plastic bowls. She was firing at the poor guy strange names like mold, bacteria, PBA which impairs brain and neurological function, can create cat acne which actually is an allergic reaction and so she went on and on! I hope she didn’t scare the kitty or her human – both seems to be very nice!

George, what do you know about this topic? What bowls are safe for us?

Yours, 

Kitty K

Dear Kitty K,
I feel rather smug. I eat from an eco-bowl made from bamboo - https://www.becopets.com/cat-bowl It works well. I have a strong tongue (see photo of my friend Toby) and I need a stable dish.

Great strong groovy tongue

I don't care much for plastic (though I will eat from it if I must) because it has a smell that I can smell but humans can't. Nor do I like stainless steel because if my clumsy human trips on it or drops it, the noise frightens me. I can also see my reflection in it which can be scary. 
Ceramic is OK - that is what I have for my water bowls. I will also eat from them. They are more stable than plastic. I like more than one water bowl not next to the food bowl. We don't eat and drink at the same time like humans. It's not natural. And I like my bowl to be somewhere where I can eat while looking outwards, not eat looking into a wall. Seems safer that way somehow.
As for cute pictures on bowls, ignore them. They are there to make humans buy the bowl.  If I was choosing a bowl it would smell of mouse!
Yours
George

June 24 – Cat World Domination

Dear George,

I’m sure you know that June 24^th was officially declared the Cat World Domination Day. It was declared by a wise cat, Sparkle, on her birthday (I think it was in 2012).

Since then Cat World Domination Day is celebrated with gifts, toys, treats, fun videos and photos and it is getting better every year! I would dare to say that this is the most important cat day there is!

As you very well know we are plotting for world domination since ancient Egyptian times if not for longer! We purrfected our humans to be humble, obedient servants who adore us no matter what we do. We got them wrapped around our fuzzy little toes; hypnotize them with our beautiful eyes, use our cuteness to make them give in to our demands and outsmart them when we need their computers to communicate with other feline friends in cyberspace!

Now that we have conquered the world I ponder (as you can see in the photo attached) what else is left for us to do, what’s next to be conquered?

George, you are such a wise cat; a distinguished feline, a true Maestro!

What should we plot next?
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
Our continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no cat has gone before... Outer Space? The Milky Way? Or maybe the Universe, Gizmo? 
When I contemplate how we cats have taken over every land and island in this world, I am humbled by our own genius.
Yours
George

How to deal with noise in the living room

Hello George,

I am interested to know why humans listen to some awful noises on a machine in the lounge (which is supposed to be a comfortable and serene area to relax). The odd time it sounds okay but sometimes I find it very upsetting and it causes me to react to show my displeasure. A cat I know demonstrated his displeasure by spraying one of the boxes the noises come out of! I think this got his message across very well! It is harder for me to do this as I am a girl. Are there any other effective ways you can suggest to demonstrate my displeasure? I am willing to carry out any instructions you provide to keep the lounge as it should be; a second bedroom for my slumber! If I let my humans get away with this what else will they try to get away with? It could be the beginning of a long slippery slide and I want to nip it in the bud! I look forward to your advice!
Yours
Gracie

Dear Gracie,

Girls can spray and do spray too. Particularly feisty females who want to send a strong message to their humans. Even nose-blind humans get the scent message when we spray. And there's something enticing about spraying on electrical items or even on electrical plugs. 
They don't just give off a noise: they give off an interesting plastic warm-up smell, of which humans are totally unaware.
That said, spraying is the ultimate weapon. It's almost the equivalent of the nuclear option for humans. It doesn't hurt humans but it upsets them dreadfully and can ruin the cat-human relationship.
So just Turn off, tune out and drop into sleep. 

Remember we cats can sleep anywhere - here are some photos to remind you.
Yours George 
PS. I adopted this motto from the l960s hippy one -Turn on, tune in and drop out. Hippies knew how to relax even if their drug problems were awful.

Feline party time across the pond.

Dear George, 

I don’t know about you but I’m in a party mood as we are ready to start our season of “summer garden parties” here, across the pond! As you can see in the photo attached I have the glasses and silverware ready but I’m having second thoughts about the menu! Should it be “finger food”? Buffet style? Mixed with my humans? They are big on summer parties. I’ve already invited few of my neighbours but I didn’t decide on the menu yet! I’m thinking maybe some lizards, grasshoppers (even if I’m afraid the humans will eat those as there is a real push for it in changing humans’ protein source) and, of course some juicy mice! 

The problem is that there are no mice around! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood and mice are a “no-no” which will make them an absolute delicacy, an ultimate extravagancy on my menu! If I go for having mice on the menu that means I have to stay up few nights in advance and eventually wander off my neighbourhood in search of fresh mice! By the way, do they freeze well? What do you think George? Should I be eccentric and adventurous or should I let my humans cook and then just share their barbecued meats with my friends? Hmm!

Tough decision!

Your advice, please!

Yours….in good party mood

CAT Victoria 

Dear CAT Victoria,

In order to get your humans working properly, the easiest solution would be to share barbecued food of the kind they, not you, are used to. Many of the neighbourhood cats will enjoy stealing a hot sausage off the charcoal and levanting over the garden wall. Or just giving that wonderful feline imploring eye, which induces humans to cut off a bit of meat and hand it over.

Most Western humans are still uneasy at the thought of serving insects, reptiles and rodents - though these are on the human menu elsewhere in the world. Locusts in sugar are sold in the Far East and guinea pigs are enjoyed in South America.

If you must have mice, get your humans to buy these from a pet shop where they sell frozen food for snakes. You can choose from pinkies (no fur), fluffies (just a little fur) and big furry ones. My human once served these to me when I was temporarily anorexic and after defrosting they tasted just as good as the real thing caught in the garden.

Yes, mice freeze very well. But, even if you can stockpile mice bringing them into the kitchen, can you purrsuade your human to freeze them? My human just throws them out even before I can eat them! 

Yours 

George

PS. I have added a photo of my friend Tilly stealing a slice of dry bread.

-->

If it fits, I sits...

Dear George,
I must admit that I love boxes and bags and I don’t really think I need a reason or an excuse for it! I think every normal cat does but my mummy is quite perplexed by my liking or what she calls “my obsession”! However, she does her best to provide me with a variety in any color (black in the photo attached). She also does a lot of research to learn why cats love boxes and bags! Quite amusing, isn’t it? Here are few example of what she learned so far:

1. Cats like boxes because they are cryptic animals and they like to hide (I think this is a good one)
2. A box will give a cat a place of safety and security (hmm! I agree to some extent)
3. Boxes or bags provide cats with a cozy, safe places to sleep (of course, since we sleep between 16 to 20 hours a day)

And the list goes on! All this fuss about boxes and bags makes me laugh!

Mummy should know by now that understanding a cat’s mind is notoriously difficult but sometimes our logic is quite simple…like in this case: if it fits….I sit! That simple!

Shumba

Dear Shumba,

I love them. Keyboards, books, the backs of armchairs, newspapers and high shelves are all fun. But boxes are best. My friend Tilly and Tanni like them too.
I particularly like hanging my head outside the box. There's something about boxes that brings out my originality.
You are so right. If it fits, sit in it.
George

Dear George,

It’s me, Gizmo, again! I took your advice and left the postman alone but some days can be a real drag! Boooooring! So, I was thinking how could I have some fun? What should I do? Then boom! I got this brilliant idea to catch and bring inside a little mouse – just for entertainment!  Well, it didn’t go as planned because it happened that mummy was home that day!
Her reaction when I left the mouse free in the house? Priceless! I’m “meowing out loud” as you can see in the photo attached. First she jumped up on a chair and then she started “negotiating” with the mouse (with a childish voice): mouse, please don’t jump on me!
Please, go away! Let’s go out – I’ll give you some cheese”! I was speechless (still laughing)! Who has ever heard a human talking to a mouse? Definitely not the mouse! The poor thing got so scared that it run and hid! That’s when my troubles started! Mummy looked at me furious and said: now, you stay here and catch that mouse and take it out! Wow! She meant it!
She was fuming! So, now I have to be up all night and find the mouse! And God forbid to harm it because my mummy is a big animal rights advocate! She’ll never forgive me! George, how the heck am I going to take that damn mouse out without harming it? Any advice please?
In trouble,
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
We have all tried to please our humans by giving them a present of a mouse. Or a rat. Or even a bird. We have done our best to please them. It just doesn't work. Ever. So stop trying.
What do you do next? You wait till 3am and then start hunting carefully hoping to sniff out the mouse. Then you settle down to ambush it. When you have caught it, as you will if not the first night then the second or third, do NOT take it to show your human.
Humans react very badly indeed when we jump on the bed with a mouse in our mouth... very badly indeed. They may become violent. And the mouse may escape again.
Admittedly this gives you the pleasure of recatching it for the third time, but your relationship with your human will suffer badly. So dispose of that mouse quietly. Preferably eat it. Or if you want to eat only half, leave the other half outside if possible.
Yours sympathetically
George

Cattack alert... when the postman knocks!

Dear George,
I'm laughing my head off - the story I'm going to tell you. It is too funny.
Recently my human provided me with a cat flap(which was much overdue, by the way.) Coincidentally, we got a new postman too! And, that's how it all started.
I was sunbathing on my porch when I saw the new postman coming with the mail. 
He looked around and saw the cat flap, looked around again and then he bent forward and slipped the mail inside through the cat flap…then he rang twice. Wow! He definitely wasn’t Jack Nicholson nor did Jessica Lange come to open the door!  Why he rang the bell twice I have no idea. Anyway, he did exactly same thing for the next few days. Since it seemed to me that he either hasn’t noticed our mail box or has chosen to ignore it I decided to play a little game with him! Next day I stayed indoor waiting for him. The minute he slipped the mail in I bit his hand! He startled so easily that he forgot to ring the bell. The following day I was again on the porch waiting for him. I saw him coming down the street (he didn’t see me) – this time he was carrying a stick in his hand! I was so curious to see what he’ll do with that stick! OMG! You won’t believe it! He used the stick to open the cat flap and slipped in the mail! Aha, okay! So next day I “clawed” his stick J I don’t know what he thinks but since that day he leaves the mail in front of the door and does not ring the doorbell anymore! George, I know I misbehaved and I’m still laughing about it but how could he not realize that…that was a cat flap? What should I do now? Tell mummy of my misbehaving or should I sit on top of the mail box meowing so I’ll bring it to his attention? Maybe he is a good man who has never seen a mailbox in his life? 
Puzzled but laughing
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
The post is good fun. It comes through a cat flap or a letterbox just like a mouse pokes its head out of a hole. Attacking it is almost as good as hunting a mouse. Look how these Youtube cats enjoy it - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5lkucdrVuA Better still attacking the post gets your human's attention. They laugh.
Tempting though they are, postperson's pink fingers should not be attacked. Concentrate on the mail. If you do hurt the postmen they may refuse to deliver - like the case of Bella here 

So have fun.
Cheers
George

Living with an alcoholic is too much for any cat.

Dear George,
I have been investigating human catnip, alcohol. Frankly, it doesn't smell very good to me even though I enjoy sniffing catnip. It's also inconvenient, since it has to be ingested in liquid form.
Do we know why humans are interested in this alcohol, yet have no interest at all in catnip? It seems odd to me. 
Yours
Tilly,

Dear Tilly, 
Alcohol has roughly the same effect on humans, as catnip has on us. Only worse. Humans react by losing their inhibitions in an enjoyable way though to an outsider their behaviour seems merely silly.
We cats always take catnip in moderation. We sniff, roll about a bit, and then walk away after a few minutes. Humans seem less able to use alcohol in this way. They will sit drinking alcohol for hours at a time. There are even alcohol bars and pubs, in which some humans spend their whole evening.
Cats who are unlucky enough to have adopted a human that cannot drink sensibly, should rehome it as soon as possible. Living with an alcoholic is too much for any cat.
Yours
George.
PS. My human secretary has come back and taken up her duties again.

Human failure - my paws won't type

There will be a gap in this blog, because I cannot use my paws to type. My secretary Celia is going away and without her, I cannot blog. Her absence is extremely irritating.
However my young nephew, called George as a tribute to myself, is trying to teach himself to type. Like me he has studied human behaviour at degree level and is currently finishing his MSc thesis, Human behaviour: a meta review of current studies in feline-human interaction. He is also rewriting the thesis as a general book to help cats understand their human. The title will be A Cat's Guide to Humans: from A-Z.
In the meantime, I am silenced by lack of human fingers. Very irritating indeed. Sometimes I think it is time I passed on this blog to a younger feline.

Cats and the Easter bunny

Dear George,

I’m in talks with some friends and family (as you can see in the photo attached – I’m the one with the red collar) to form a trade union or a labor union as it is called in the USA! After my humans’ deceiving behaviour last week I decided to protect my group’s members’ interests and improving wages in the form of more treats/steaks per capita, hours of sleeping to be extended to 18 hours per day and better sleeping conditions that absolutely require master bedrooms to be available to us non-stop! 
Even if it really doesn’t matter what we do for a living, there’s a union with members who do the same thing. You might wonder what is our specific “trade” or skills that I want to protect. Well, one thing for sure is hunting. We are born hunters! So why are the humans trying to stop us from doing what comes naturally for us? If I catch a little bird or a little mouse my Mom is screaming out loud as she’s trying to get my prey out of my mouth! Phew! Unbelievable!
And the last deceiving act of my humans? They brought home a chocolate bunny and few chocolate chicks! This is not fair at all! Cats do not eat chocolate yet my Mom is telling me that we should have compassion and only eat fake bunnies! Really? What about the turkey she eats? Or that roasted beef?
You know what George? I’m having second thoughts - I want back that little bunny I hunted few days ago that she made me let go free! Very upsetting!  Anyway, wishing all cats & their humans:

A Happy Easter and a juicy roast!

Tommy

Dear Tommy,

The sheer hypocrisy of humans never fails to astound me! They sit down and gorge themselves on meat - beef, lamb, chicken, turkey, even pheasant. Here in the UK there are human hunters who shoot bunnies.  But when we bring in a simple little mouse for our dinner, they try to take it off us. 

My friend Toby pouncing high

The height of hypocrisy are humans who pursue foxes with a whole pack of dogs. They kill the fox and do not eat it. Yet when we play with mice, they condemn us for doing this before or without eating our prey. They are blind to their own faults and unfailingly critical of us when we behave like they do. They really have no moral compass.

A feline trades union? It probably won't work, Tommy. And don't be tempted by that chocolate bunny. Chocolate can kill cats. Just keep on hunting the real thing and stop bringing them home! I suggest finishing it off and eating it quietly just the other side of the cat flap or underneath a nearby bush in the garden where she cannot see you.
Enjoy your meal.
Yours
George

Humans snore SO loudly!

Dear George, 
My humans are snoring - one louder than the other. I wonder if this might be a frightening medical condition and if it is ... should I call an ambulance? What should I do? Last night I had to sleep on a chair (as you can see in the photo) because their snoring was greatly disrupting my sleep. Their noise was interfering with my purring rhythm. Terrible. Complely out of sync.
I should move them down to the basement! What do you think?  Maybe I’ll move my dad first as my mummy is not that bad! Actually, most nights we have fun together playing on that screen with moving little arrows or little bugs or mice! Hmm! 
Yes, I should keep her upstairs! How do I move him to the basement?
Sleepless across the pond
CAT Victoria 

Dear CAT Victoria,
You have highlighted one of the insoluble problems of letting humans share your upstairs bed. When they snore the noise is horribly loud and upsets our natural slumbers. Of course, the best way to deal with this is to move the human off our bed and make it sleep on the sofa downstairs. Or even on the floor - I'd have thought that sleeping under a radiator would be quite cosy.
Instead, what usually happens is that we have to leave and go to sleep elsewhere. It's one of the disadvantages of keeping such a gigantic pet. I don't think calling an ambulance is a good idea. You don't want a lot of beefy men in high viz jackets barging into your home and interrupting your sleep. Better do what you are doing and sleep downstairs.
The other possibility is that when the snoring starts up, you jump on the human's midriff. However, some humans then just do a HUGE rolling snort (that I cannot reproduce here) when they wake up and then simply turn over and go back to normal snoring.
Sorry not to be more helpful.
Yours
George.

PS. Some humans claim we cats snore but that is definitely fake news.

Litter boxes - train your human in proper hygeine

Dear George,
I need your advice as soon as possible….before I go completely nuts!
Lately I’m having quite strong arguments with my human over the necessity of a litter box in our house! You see, I’m using the back garden as my litter box but lately my mummy start talking about “potty training” me ….just in case! Mind you….what does she mean by “just in case”?  Could she be up to something? Like leaving and locking me indoor for days? Just the thought of it gives me “goose bumps”! Anyway, when I asked her why do I need to be potty trained she said “what if we need to move from a house to an apartment, a flat”? I don’t get it! Why would we move? But, that’s not the end to our problem. We are dealing with a big dilemma in regards to the litter itself. Neither one of us is knowledgeable enough to make an informed decision. 

 She’s looking for something “natural” and I’m freaking out, twisting myself and turning from side to side (as you can see in the photo attached) to understand what does she mean by “natural”? To me natural is the soil in the back garden. George, seriously what the indoor cats do?
What litter do they use? 
Anxiously yours, 
Lulu 

Dear Lulu,

This tray is far too small

If you are used to using the back garden - soil, leaf litter, or sand - you may just change to ordinary cat litter without trouble, if you become an indoor cat. The most attractive litter to us cats is the small grained clumping kind. Two and a half inches, allowing for a good dig, and an uncovered litter tray as large as your human can buy. It needs to be in a quiet location away from passing humans, dogs, noisy washing machines, outside doors or windows.
If you refuse to change to cat litter, then your human should try putting earth/sand into a tray (with a little bit of poo or pee so it smells correct) and then once the tray is used slowly change that into cat litter. Once you get used to cat litter, rather than earth, you can usually manage to change to litter types - if your human is sensible enough (and they usually are not) to make the change slowly, adding a handful of the new type daily to the old familiar litter. Most of us cats dislike a tray liner: it gets caught in our paws.
My human fosters kittens who come to her using the wooden type

This filthy tray has a horrid lining

cat litter. She changes them slowly to clumping litter (which she prefers) but keeps a second tray with the old wooden litter as well. That means they will be flexible about what they use in their new home. The rule of thumb is one tray per cat and one over. She also sends the kittens to their new home with some soiled litter to be put in the new tray so it smells like a latrine.
Here are some photos of bad litter arrangements. Show them to her.
Yours
George. 
PS. A good human servant cleans out deposits from the tray twice a day.