Lost in translation - not the human movie but a cat dilemma

Dear George,

I am the latest addition to this family who lives somewhere in Germany. I am a rescue from a shelter and I don’t know my real name or my mother’s tongue. 

I was named Conrad and I can understand English (the human males speak it fluently) but I have a problem with German, therefore having difficulties training my female human. Just to give you few examples: “Pen” a very simple word becomes in German “Kugelschreiber”, or “butterfly” (since we like to chase them) becomes “Schmetterling”, or “petals” in German is “Blutenblattern” or “science” for that matter ….is “Naturwissenschaften”.

I’m afraid to ask what “meow” is in German. Who can take about half hour just to meow one word? I was told that it is the most logical and beautiful language. No doubt about, but, when I’m hungry I don’t need to spend the whole day just trying to pronounce “food”. I’m lost in translation and I wonder if you can give me some ideas how to simplify my communication.

Auf Wiedersehen (you see? Why not as simple as….“bye-bye”?)

Conrad

Dear Conrad, 

Personally I don't bother much about the vocalisations of my humans. They are at it all day - blah, blah, blah, blah. A noisy species making nonsensical noises. I focus solely on the vocalisations that matter. 

The vocalisations which can lead to some rewarding experiences are: 'Food', 'Catfood', 'Whiskas,' 'Fish', 'Fish n Chips,' 'Steak', 'Chicken.' You will have to compile your own key words not just because they will be in German, but also because they will vary from household to household. For some people 'Whiskas' might not be important while 'Felix' was. These are both names for cat food in the UK.

Equally important - perhaps even more important - are the vocalisations which mean an unpleasant experience.  'Vet' is probably the most important of all. At the sound of 'Vet' I ease myself out of the door, go out as far away as possible, or hide if the cat flap is closed. I have also had to learn 'V.E.T.' the sound when they 'spell out' the vet word. Other warning sounds are: 'Carrier,' 'Dog' and in my case 'Sister. She smells of dog and has a tendency to want to harass me with unwanted affection.

So get to work. The fact that these German words seem rather long winded is going to be helpful to you. As the occur in the blah-blah-blah, there will be more time for you to pick them out and take appropriate action.
As for your vocal commands. Just don't worry. Keep them easy to the limited brain power of humans to understand. That means, for instance,  a special sounding meow for 'Food now', another for 'Open the door,' and a third for  'Leave me alone.'

Keep them clear. Keep them concise. Keep them consistent. This is art of human training.
Yours George

Horror story that turned into a happy one ☺

Dear George,
I’ll be very short as 
I’m exhausted after putting up with my human’s craziness lately. Last week I was quite devastated as I learned that my human decided to move in with another human. Phew! Not only that moving is, generally speaking, very stressful but, I found out that “this special someone ” has three rescued cats! That means….me….moving out from my house and into a new one ….where I will live with three other cats? Impossible! Do you think my human is crazy? Do humans suffer from some kind of eclipse of the mind? Absolutely yes! I can’t tell you how many horror stories I was envisioning. I can’t stress enough how many bad dreams I had and how many sleepless nights!
Finally last week I got to my new destination. The house seems to be very cozy and “the significant, special other half” seems to be a very kind and nice human, well trained in attending to our needs. I was welcomed into my new space by two hissing older cats (both males) and a cute, little girl, called Princess. Princess immediately sided with me and we are inseparable now. We share the sleeping space, the grass, the food, the TV (as you can see in one of the photos attached). I’m happy now that I have Princess but, George, you must admit that not always is a happy ending to such a move.
I’d like you to explain and make me understand why people can’t live alone, why can’t they be just happy working to serve us better, be our obeying slaves?
Still wanting to punish my human!

Vegas 

Dear Vegas,

Your desire to punish your human is absolutely natural and understandable.  We really ought to get our humans neutered and spayed to prevent this sort of upheaval. They are slave to their hormones. Worse still, instead of going out for a night on the tiles and getting it out of their system for several weeks like we do, they take it all so seriously. They pair bond. Not usually for life but often for months and years at a time.

Most of us can live with the truly promiscuous human. They stay out late at night, sometimes only coming home in the morning. Some of them bring back a date, but we can often sabotage that by the simple method of jumping on parts of their anatomy or even interfering with what they are doing. Sitting on the pillow with a fascinated sneer on one's face often puts the males off their business altogether. Gentle patting of bare flesh also has an off-putting effect if you pat the right bit. The date often does not come back for more!

You have fallen victim to the pair bonding aspect of human relationships. And luckily for you it has worked out fine. You have a new friend and you have probably improved her life by giving her emotional support against the older cats. 

But it's a question of luck. Sometimes these horrific moves do not work out well. These humans are grossly irresponsible beings. In an ideal household, the staff have no right to relationships. A proper servant does not waver in putting the cat first.

Yours with sympathy

George

Cat beds - our ideas of what makes a good one.

Dear George,

I don’t want to take too much of your time but I have one question or maybe two.  You know that I’m a very spoiled kitty. However, I trained my humans surprisingly well for a young, little rescue that I’m.  For example: they let me taste the water they drink (directly from their glasses), food they eat and when they are playing cards …..I have a special chair so I can sit and watch them playing. When it comes to sleeping arrangements….I usually sleep on my mommy’s chest until she’s sound at sleep and then …..I slide down slowly between them. Well, lately they gifted me with so many cat beds (as in the photos) that I don’t know what to think. I have a bed in every single room of the house including kitchen. As I find this a bit strange, my question to you is: what could they be up to that they do not want me in the bed between them at night or are they trying to show me with respect that I’m the Alpha cat and run the show? Should I accommodate?

Yours truly but ….a bit confused

Zoe

Dear Zoe, 
Your humans are doing the right thing. We cats cannot have too many beds - their idea of beds and our idea of beds. Their idea of a cat bed is like the one in the photo. Warm cosy, with nice soft material and high sides so that it avoids drafts. But your dratted humans, I see, have put it on the floor. The ideal cat bed is sited a bit higher up. We like to look down rather than up at our pet humans.
Our idea of cat beds is, of course, rather more diverse than theirs. The following are cat beds: the double beds which we allow our humans to share; any other large beds in the house; sofas; armchairs; piles of dirty laundry; piles of clean laundry, preferably in a warm airing cupboard; any open drawer full of clothes; the surface of any chair pushed under the table; the surface of any chair anywhere; all windowsills; inside any cupboard where the doors are left open; the top of a kitchen cupboard if we feel like it; the top of the wardrobe if we feel like it; the side of an Aga or any wood burning stove; any kitchen surface that takes our fancy; in front of open fires; empty cardboard boxes of all kinds; the desk area next to the computer; the keyboard of the computer when we feel like it; the top of the stairs... You get the idea.
What your humans think they are doing is a bit more puzzling, as we have to allow for their limited cognition. My guess is that they might feel they would like more room on your double bed at night so have put a cat bed in the bedroom. This is ridiculous, of course. If you are kind enough to share your double bed with them, they must take the space they are given and be grateful for it. Do not accomodate them: it is their duty to accomodate you and your preferences.
The alternative possibility is that they really have understood that we like a lot of choice. If so they are pets in a million.
Yours thoughtfully
George
PS. Add your own suggestions....

I carry a Christmas tree on my nose.

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Dear George,

Literally! Just look at me in the photo attached. Hey? Nice marking, isn’t it? Dear George my real name is Patches and I’m a rescue. I was in a cage at a pet food store since June waiting for my forever home. Someone at the Mississauga branch of the Humane Society liked me so much that placed me in this pet store hoping that someone with a kind heart will adopt me! It didn’t happen right away but eventually 2 weeks ago a kind and generous female took me home.

I found out that Alice is Jasper’s and Riley’s mommy! She had a big enough heart to make room for me too. She adopted me right before Christmas. That’s the best gift someone can give a cat and I wish many more of us find their forever homes. It is very sad especially at Christmas time to be left behind, alone in a cold, metal cage. I’m forever grateful that she rescued me! I like my new family very much. My brothers are nice, mommy is awesome (and beautiful) and daddy…….hm! I like his blue eyes and smirky smile and I hope he’ll warm up to me. He started paying with me already and I just hope I’ll charm him well enough that he’ll fall in love with me! Is this too much to ask George? Also, since I carry a Christmas tree on my nose do you think I should decorate it? I’ve seen humans having a little diamond or ring in their nose? I don’t think I’ll consider piercing but can my eyes be the shining stars? What else should I do at Christmas time? I need good, nice tips since I don’t want to upset my new family.

Wishing all cats and their human families a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Love

Patches

Dear Patches,

What a wonderful thing. A cat that has the outward visible sign of the inward spiritual grace of Christmas. Alice did the right thing in adopting you.  And I am sure you will soon win the heart of daddy. If there is anything that we cats possess in oodles, it is charm.

No, don't put a ring in your noise. It is far too beautiful a nose to do that. Humans put rings in their noses but they have such pathetic snozzles, don't they? Conks without fur.  Their nose leather is just sort of ordinary skin coloured pink. And their noses can barely smell anything anyway. So adding the odd ring is a way of covering up their inadequacies.

Your beautiful black and white nose, Christmas tree decorated, with lovely black nose leather is perfect just as it is. Your eyes beam above it. A wonderful sight for everybody.

Happy Christmas, dear Patches,

George.

PS. My human is ill so this letter is a bit rushed.

Brush addiction - it's her problem, not mine

 

Dear George,

I must admit I got inspired by Jake’s letter last week and I started paying more attention to my human’s behavior. I truly believe that humans use “us” as excuses for their addictions, emotional and psychological problems! We, cats, are not “psychologically” handicapped or damaged….but humans definitely are! Let’s me give you just one example and you’ll be the judge! George, if you remember I took up meditation as a way to cope with being home alone for long periods of time and to avoid knocking down THAT vase that my human loves that much. Being an indoor cat and being bored it’s no fun! A week ago my human came home with a special brush – it is called a “kong brush” (you can see it in the picture) – and start brushing me. Of course I liked it and I liked the attention I was getting….so I start stretching giving her “meows” of approval.

But soon I realized that my human has a “brush addiction” if this is possible.

Guess she can’t sleep just thinking of that brush and brushing – I can’t explain otherwise why she’s up at 6 in the morning brushing me and then in the evening and before bed again. I heard her telling someone that “her baby” (that’s me …for your records) is “addicted to this brush” and that I’m drooling with pleasure when brushed!  Way far from the truth!  As I said before, I like the attention, I like to be brushed but far from being addicted. George, she doesn’t realize that IT IS more her need than mine but what can I do since she has no hair and I can’t brush her! Any advice?

Hugs

Shumba

Dear Shumba,

Psychological projection is a known attitude among human beings, as all human behaviour experts like me will confirm. Humans cannot face their own inadequacies, their own faults, and their own ridiculous attitudes. By pretending that these belong to us, not them, they are able to stay in a state of denial.
I have no difficulty in believing that your human is suffering from brush addiction, a example of codependancy in which she needs to brush you more than you need to be brushed. The act of brushing will satisfy her caretaking needs and (more healthily) give her the pleasure of seeing your pleasure. By pretending it is you who are addicted to brushing, she does not have to examine her own need to be needed.
Women who love cats too much are common in our society. Personally, I do not bother to put in place a behaviour modification programme for them, unless the welfare of their feline owners is suffering. For example, women who dress up cats, put them in prams to take for a walk, or collect a house full of cats, are showing pathological altruism. Do they need help? Yes, but normally projection and denial will mean they are not willing to change. Thus help must be focussed on the suffering cats.
Your human does not fall into this category, fortunately. The human need to be needed by their cat can be quite pleasurable for the cat - better quality food, more of it, new cat beds appearing regularly, human body warmth in the bed during cold nights.
Just let her keep brushing. If you get fed up with it, just rise to your feet and sit looking dignified. If need be get high up. But usually a dignified sneer will put a stop to what has become human harassment.
Hugs
George.

Am I psychologically damaged?

Hello George,

My name is Jake, Shakey Jake and a girl – don’t ask; that’s another story. My slave keeps suggesting I’m ‘damaged’. Me? You should see some of the things she gets up to! Anyway I am concerned she may be right but to understand why I think this you need to understand where I have come from. This is me at about four weeks old. ‘Where is your mother?’ I hear you ask; well I’d like to know that too! I was found in a metal fright container by a man; my slave calls him ‘dad’. I went to the vets who believed I was about 2 days old. I had fleas and a flea allergy to boot, this left me with no fur. 

This is me as a kitten

When the aforementioned ‘dad’ opened the box slave asked ‘what the hell is that?’ but I was asking myself the very same questions. I forgave her this indiscretion when she woke up every two hours to feed and help me do my business. She treated my fleas and when I went back to the vets 2 days later he thought I was doing well – naturally. The vet then made the suggestion they sneak me in with dad’s dog that had just had puppies. Sneak me in? Like that would work, but alas it did!

When I was 5 weeks me and the slave moved. I like to think this was all for me but apparently it was planned. So I left the dog and the brute, Rufus (big feral ginger tom – you know the type), it was just me and the slave. She’s a reasonably good slave. I have a good vocal range with an impressive volume which is hard to ignore and have mastered the art of knocking things off surfaces to get her attention.  I have a pillow and she knows it, if she tries to sleep on it I sleep on her, she soon moves! 
Now this brings me back to my concern. I have a habit or more of a compulsion. I still like to suckle, suckle my slave to be precise. She wears a fab purple fleece dressing at times which is great but failing that I will suckle her nose, collar bone, I don’t even mind a toe. Everyone thought I would grow out of this but I’m three now and still love it – I just can’t help it!

Jake x

Dear Jake,
I have to admit that needing to suckle your human's dressing gown or body parts can be classified as a little eccentric. But really it's quite natural. It's a kitten thing. Your human brought you up, fed you, cleaned you, and generally acted as your mother. So she is your mother. 
But.... your real mother would have pushed you away when she had decided it was time to wean you. You would have learned that further sucking would result in a fed up mum. Humans can't teach us all the stuff we need to know.  Your slave should start gently pushing you away each time you do it and turning her back on you or leaving the room immediately afterwards, withdrawing her attention. In a word, she must try to wean you.
I don't usually recommend too much co-operation with humans. They get above themselves too easily. But this is a rare exception when you should try to co-operate, Jake. What you don't want is to develop a real eating disorder and become one of those cats that starts eating the dressing gown rather than just sucking. I don't think this will happen to you, unless your biological mother or father were Siamese. It seems to be a breed thing. But it might.
I also think too much affection or dependence is bad for humans. They should not be given the impression that we need them (except for food and shelter). Cultivate a little distance from her, Jake. Don't become a cat who loves too much. Keep your pet in her place. She may be your foster mother but remember she is your intellectual, social and physiological inferior.
George.
PS. Don't get too worried by this. Cats that persist in suckling their humans usually come to no great harm. It's the dressing gown, not the body parts, that worries me!

I'm a Bristol kitten - elite, special and very important indeed

Dear George,
I'm one of a group of elite kittens.... very special indeed. I've been enrolled in the Bristol kitten study. This means that experts will be checking up on my progress as I grow older. They will be able to tell if a good kitten education helps protect me in later life from stress and perhaps even disease. 
They need about 600 more kittens from the UK by the end of the year, so if anybody reading this has a new kitten get in touch with them. They'd love to hear from you.
We Bristol kittens are proud to be helping with important human research.
Love Tootles.

Dear Tootles,
Congratulations. Anything which helps Homo sapiens understand cats better is to be welcomed. I recommend that all UK kittens sign up here now. Humans need all the help we can give them, poor old things.
The human species is odd. Mine spends a lot of time on "research" at her computer when she is actually looking up Facebook and generally wasting her time when she could be tickling my tummy.  In short bursts - I only like about 30 seconds then I swipe her.
So don't let this human research fool you into thinking that humans are more intelligent than cats. We have innate and instinctive knowledge which far outweighs human wit. 
We know humans are stupid because they demonstrate it daily.
There you are sitting near the open cat flap. You make a polite meow to your human. There is no response. You make another one. "Why can't you use the cat flap?" they say.
No way is it worth dignifying that with a response. Why don't I use the cat flap? Because, you pathetic human, I don't choose to. You make a third meow. Finally the human servant does its duty and opens the door to you.
Don't spoil your human, Tootles. Train him or her in obedience from the very beginning. A good human pet should have the following duties - open the door on command, feed on command, get out of bed on command, leave the armchair for you on command, move over in the bed to give you more space on command..... and so forth.
Start as you mean to go on.
Yours
George

How to make guilt work for you... colour the house ME.

Dear George

I thought you'd be interested to hear how I've re-oriented my humans' home decoration plans to have a proper focus upon my needs. Tiresomely, they decided to extend the house last month. Cue builders, dust, banging and fearful smells. As you can imagine, I have gone out of my way to express my disgust. I have hidden in the wardrobe every day and refused to come out – even ignoring my male human's most earnest wheedling entreaties and proffered treats.  I know this hurts his feelings. 
I have also insisted upon being fed at the most inconvenient times, and have gone out of my way to get under their feet in the small room that now serves as a kitchen/diner/living room (half of the house is temporarily 'missing'). I have been sniffy, 'absent', difficult and aloof – all designed to impress upon them how deeply offended I am by these absurd Works.
Regrettably, I have been unable to stop the extension, which my people hopefully insist will be finished by Christmas (yet more proof – if more were needed – of how stupid human beings can be). On the upside, though, I've won an unusual victory in an unexpected quarter.
My people are hopeless with colours and decoration: everything's painted cream and white, because they haven't a clue about what looks good. After what felt like years of debate and argument, they finally saw what should have been obvious from the very start: that using ME as their colour palette is the perfect solution. My own rather attractive markings make clear that white and bluey-grey go frightfully well together. So now they're modelling the entire room on me. 
My female human keeps pretending it's so that my discarded fur won't be visible against the blue-grey kitchen tiles, but from the looks He keeps casting my way it's obvious we all know the Truth: That they're so deeply guilty about putting me through all the agonies of the build that they're doing me the honour of immortalising me in the kitchen décor.
My view? Well, I'm vaguely flattered of course. But only vaguely. In truth, as you'll agree, it's the least they can bloody do.

Herbie

Dear Herbie,
I must congratulate you on a splendid campaign of positive punishment (as we training theorists call it) towards your humans. You instigated a truly impressive series of tactics. Why did were they not effective? One possibility is that the punishment was too subtle. Had you been a large felid, you could simply have attacked them and produced serious injury. Alas, that tactic is not available to small felids.
Another less likely possibility is that the campaign failed to work due to the limited mental capacity of Homo sapiens. They may have failed to make the connection between the punishment and the Works. On the other hand their colour choice of British blue throughout suggests that they did have a glimmer of intelligence about your reaction. Perhaps they were simply in denial of the obvious, a frequent human failing.
I wish you well in the new kitchen. The fact that your humans feel guilt about it is a good sign for the future. Make 'em guilty, keep' em guilty, and eat all the extra food they give you "to make up".
Yours
George.

Why does my human take up so much space in my bed?

Dear George,
I have a problem for which I would like your advice - space on the bed. My human takes up too much space. Worse still, she is a restless sleeper, often turning over, changing position or moving her legs. No matter where I start the night, I find she is pushing me towards the edge of the bed. And I have to get up and move several times a night in order to resettle myself away from her thrashing body.
I mean, a cat just can't get a good night's sleep with this kind of human. It is most irritating. Any ideas?
Yours
Beauty.

Dear Beauty,
Proper control of the bed is one of the fundamentals of training your human. You have to take charge firmly and decisively and create a routine so that your human sleeps soundly in the area you have assigned her. A human that is moving around the bed cannot  be a welcome bedmate.
First establish the bedroom routine. Some cats prefer to take up their position before the human arrives in the bedroom. Others maintain that it is more effective to spring on to the bed at roughly the same time as your human. Still others claim that getting on the bed, after the human has started to snore, is the best strategy.
Whatever your choice, you will need to move your human into a position that suits you. This can often be done while she sleeps. Put yourself as close as you can to the area you wish to claim and lean on her steadily and consistently. A properly devoted human will usually respond by infinitesimally moving away. Inch by inch, its' a cinch.
The human that does not move - and there are a few, often those sunk in alcoholic slumber - needs more vigorous methods. You will have to wake them up. For this I suggest the purr-and-rub tactic applied to the face. Few humans will sleep if a cat is rubbing against their cheeks and purring loudly. Dumb humans think this is just affection and cannot see the strategy behind it.
Once woken, most humans will shift position. Nip into the area you want and settle down. After such a show of love, even a hung over human is unlikely to be unkind enough to shift you.
Yours
George.
PS. This blog is late because my human is exhausted.

She was trying to make me share my home with a street cat....

Dear George,
I am writing to you with an issue I have which has been tweaking at my conscience.
I appear to have ‘jealously' issues. Over the last 6 weeks there has been a stray cat hanging about outside my home, and every time my human opens the front door he runs over demanding her to fuss him and give him some food (MY food!!!!). He seems to get around her with his pitiful meow and big sorrowful eyes, and she gladly fusses him and feeds him daily. This sends me into a fit of jealous rage and I lean out of the bedroom window and hiss and spit at him furiously.
I know that I should feel sorry for him as he is without a home, is riddled with fleas and his coat is all matted and greasy and he has no one to love him…but I want my human to love ME ALONE, no-one else. I get into such a temper whenever I see my arch enemy, and my human bears the brunt of my fury too, as I nip and hiss at her whenever I know she has fussed him…so much so that she has taken the stray to Battersea Cat’s Home in order to find him a good home (and calm me down!).
Do you think I have a problem George? …Is my jealously out of control?
I look forward to your reply.
Yours guiltily, Sidney Baker
PS – I hope you can read my writing well enough, the crayon kept slipping through my claws.

Dear Sidney,
You do have a problem but it is of your human's making. You should not feel a moment's guilt. It is your human that should feel guilty. She has fallen into the trap of thinking that cats are as promiscuously social as dogs and some humans - though I dare say she would object as strongly as you have, it if you brought a homeless street person into her home. She is completely at fault.
Of course, you hissed and nipped when she walked into the home smelling of the intruder. What decent cat wouldn't! Smell is how we identify friends and foes. How would she feel if her boyfriend came home smelling of another woman? We, cats don't share with other cats unless they are relatives and not always even then.
You have done the right thing. You have expressed your feelings consistently and punished her when appropriate. That is what good human training is all about. Now reward her with purrs and rubs.
You are already generously letting her use your bed at night. Now snuggle up closer so she realises how lucky she is to have an exclusive one-to-one relationship with a cat as glamorous as you.
Yours approvingly
George

Sharing - what's what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own.

Dear George,
My name is Bob and I live with dogs... Nope, that's not a bad thing, as I have the dogs well under control. You could say I am top dog, except that to call a cat a dog is a terrible insult. It's just a question of innate superiority.
I've been experimenting with their toys lately. Of course, I use their Kongs, the large rubber things which if you are lucky have sticky cheese inside. I can poke my paw in and get out the last fragments. Now I am using their puzzle toys. These are round and have places to hide food. They are bit heavy but I have discovered I can lift them off with my paw.The video of me doing this is at the top of this page. The dogs share: I take.
My point is, George, should these be sold for cats? I'm pretty fed up with the cat toys which are meant to look like a mouse, but don't. Or the ones that are too heavy to bat about. I'd prefer toys with food in them.
Yours,
Bob,
PS. We have something in common. My human pretends to be an animal behaviourist. Click here for details. You have laugh, don't you, at their pretensions. Poor dumb creatures.

Dear Bob,
I have posted a photo of myself here, using my own food toy, well mostly of my backside, because my head is inside the cardboard - nearly but not quite stuck. I was fascinated by your video of using that dog toy. I don't think that my celebrity cat friend, Tilly, would be big enough to make it work.  
If your human wants to spend money on you, she could buy you the Play-N-Treat ball, the Armitage Good Girl Cat Treat Ball, the Pipolino (a bit heavy), or better still the Cat Activity Funboard (too small for Maine coon paws).
Better still, get her to make her own. Lavatory paper inner rolls, cardboard boxes are easily made into toys. There are some photos on www.catexpert.co.uk under indoor cats. Of course, I got my head stuck into one of two of the toys, so I had to get my human to make sure the holes were either too small for my head or too large for it.
I agree with you about these so-called human behaviourists. It really is a good joke to see them try to understand us. Poor dears.
Yours
George
PS. I was pleased you made the point about sharing. We cats do not share. I have never let my human into my cat bed and never shall. Of course, I let her share her bed with me - what's hers is mine.

Gratitude is not a Cattitude. No excuses for poor service.

Dear George,

I’ll try to be short since I’m using my laptop and I don’t know how long the battery will last. We have a major black-out in Toronto and we are “in the dark” J so to speak!

I have two issues to write about; one is about my teeth and one about my human.

But, let me start with my teeth. If you remember I’m a rescue. I lived my first few years on the streets and this took a toll on me. Lately I couldn’t eat and I lost a lot of weight. Thanks God my human is not dumb and she took me for a check up. The vet found out that I had a terrible gum and teeth infection and I couldn’t eat because of the pain. He operated on me and pulled out all my teeth except for the canines.

My Mom panicked that I won’t be able to eat now with no teeth. Au contraire! I eat very well and have no more pain. My picture attached will prove that I’m well and quite rounded (I got back to my 11.5 lbs). George, I hope other cats and their humans will learn from my experience that actually a cat with no teeth can still live a normal life – I’m an indoor cat, that’s true!

The second issue I want to write you about is my human. She spoiled me more then usual when I was sick and in pain. Now, that I’m back to normal she refuses to get up at 4 am and feed me or play with me. She is trying to ignore me. Can you imagine this? Her excuse? She’s too tired and stressed from work and she wants to sleep and rest.

But….how comes that she could do it when I was sick? I have a little trick to make her get up but I can tell she’s very upset. I start scratching the walls in the bedroom.

I don’t know what drives her nuts – the noise or the damaged wall?

Anyway, do you have a better solution? Please help.

Hugs

Shumba

Dear Shumba,

Humans do something called gratitude. It is an attitude of mind, an attitude of gratitude, which means that they are pathetically pleased when we pet them. We cats don't do it. Yes, your human has been an excellent house servant. Yes, she rescued you off the street. Yes, she paid the vet bills.

So what? She is only doing her duty.

Duty well done is rare in humans and of course, it needs rewarding with purrs and head rubs. But rewards given too freely, without being contingent on proper human behaviour, are devalued. Training theory is absolutely clear on this point. Never give a reward for nothing.

Punishment, in which I include scratching the wall, also works well on humans though there can be what is known as "fall out". When the punishment is administered, the human becomes aggressive. This is the risk of your very clever punishment device of wall scratching. The technique may need reviewing.

Of course, scratching is an understandable way of you expressing your frustration. Punishment is almost alway an emotional relief for the punisher, which is why both cats and humans purrsist in using it. If your human had her wits about her she would block the wall with furniture and supply a good scratching post. (I have tested several and decided that the Fat Boy post is the best for a good stable scratch). However, being a dumb creature of an inferior species, she may not go for this solution.

Aggressive humans throw stuff, scream and sometimes even hit cats. If you think this may occur at night when you scratch, I suggest you forget punishing her for lack of response and instead try rewarding her for the right response. Wake her up with loud purring in her ears, snuggle into her arms, turn round and round butting her face. She will be charmed into waking.

Mew piteously. Walk towards the door then jump back on to the bed. Start the laborious process of purr and rub all over again until she gets up to feed you. Keep doing this ten or twelve times.

We cats can out purrsist any human.

Love George

PS. Love the fat photo. Your tummy looks gorgeous.

I want to bite humans.... they bring out the worst in me

Dear George,

I desperately need your help as I think I’m in real trouble. I’m too young to know better but you as a human behavior specialist can help.

My problem is that each time my human has guests in the house I have this urge to attack, bite and scratch them. Of course my human doesn’t like it and I really don’t care if he does or not since he never bothered asking me if I like all these noisy people on my territory. George, why people make me do this? Why do they bring out the worst in me? Now, my human planned another trip and he invited over a friend to move in and stay with me while he’s away. This “live-in” guest is afraid of me now and I’m afraid that she won’t move in and she won’t take care of me. George, do you see my problem? I can’t risk being home alone for two weeks without a human feeding me or cleaning after me. What should I do? How can I assure her that I’m not going to attack her?

Any suggestion will be highly appreciated as time is of essence right now.

With gratitude

Vegas

Dear Vegas,

Are you just hunting them? Without any mice in the house, some of us cats turn and hunt our humans. Life indoors is so boring without any hunting opportunities, we treat humans like mice. We ambush them round corners, leap on them from a height, and enjoy hearing them scream as our claws go into their bare legs. Sensible humans wear thick clothes, ignore us (thus ruining the fun), and give us lots more to do by way of hunting games with string. Get your humans working on giving you hunting alternatives. Or just keep hunting them. It's good fun and they enjoy it really.

Sometimes we bite because we are just scared. And it's the humans' fault. They will harass us - pick us up, cuddle us, "make a fuss" of us, and generally treat us like a soft toy. If we are anxious cats, then we strike out at them. It works very well. Once bitten or scratched, the human harasser usually stops behaving in this way. But some persist....

Purrsonally, I feel safest with humans that let me take control. I go to them: they don't go to me. I choose if I will accept affection from them. They do not offer it unless I make it clear I want it. We cats feel best in control. Humans don't understand cat manners, so they don't realise how rude it is to harass us. It is our duty to try and teach them by tooth and claw.

Have you ever noticed that the humans who hate cats have purrfect manners. They ignore us. They stay away from us. They may even try to avoid us. It's really, really attractive. I love humans like that. I jump on their laps. I purr all over them even while they are shuddering with distaste for me. That's amusing too, of course.

If the live-in guest cleans your litter tray twice a day and puts down food and water, that is all she has to do. The less she interacts with you the better. She should let you decide if you want petting or any other kind of body contact.

Control..... Cats like it. Dumb humans don't understand.

Love George

I'm only a kitten but....

Hi George,
I am just a kitten but I want you to know that I am learning fast in a human home. My mother had me in a cardboard box and me and my three other siblings have been romping round this human cottage from the moment we left the box. The two humans here handle us and play with us and pick us up, and generally make much of us. As a result we are learning how live with this other inferior species and how to deal with their behaviour.
But what about other kittens? What about the ones that are born in shelters? How will they learn?
Love
Susie.

Dear Susie,
They won't learn very well, is the answer. Too many rescue places are still putting mothers and kittens into cat pens - often in a "quieter" part of the shelter. So they grow up only meeting a few humans and only for a little part of the day.
So when they get outside into the wide world, it is a struggle for them to know how to train and live with their new humans. It's like meeting an elephant for the first time, or even a whole family of elephants, and having to work out how to make sure these huge animals do what you want..... not easy, Susie.
Luckily you have had a good start in life. Some of the better rescue charities in the UK are beginning to realise that kittens do better if they are fostered in a human home. That way, they learn to live with humans from the start and begin at a very early age to pick up the basics of human training.
Love George.
PS. This blog entry is late due to my secretary, Celia, going away for the day for a "college" reunion. She didn't learn much there when she was an adolescent and her absence from her duties this Saturday has sorely tried my temper.

The window at the bottom of the door....purrlease

Dear George
I know you recognise the difficulties I have been having with staff. (You may not be royal like me, but all cats are noble, n’est-ce pas?)
I’m afraid I have another problem. My human hostess seems to expect me to come and go through a window in the bottom of the door. She says it would be just like having my own key. Well George, I ask you, does HM Queen carry a key? No, she has a footman to open the door for her, and that is what I expect.
There is a teenager who lives here who is always rattling in and out of this window. Well really, he might be a burglar! I find it most disturbing, clatter wallop. And he looks most ungainly as he exits – really, I have no wish to display my posterior in such a manner. The hostess has tried to bribe me with food to use this window, but I have let her know that I shall just politely wait until the door is opened properly. There is a man here who could perfectly well act as footman – I know my hostess has encouraged him to learn from Downton, but he just fell asleep.
I am sure I am not alone in having this preference, George – as my special friend, do tell me what you think.
Yours affectionately
Natasha

Dear Natasha,
Opening doors as a footman or cat commissionaire is an essential part of a human's duty towards its cat. As you say, it is a question of class (cats are upper, humans are lower) or species status (cats are superior life forms; humans are inferior life forms).
Door keeping by a human is particularly important for those moments when we want to sit near the door frame and sniff the air, in order to decide whether we will go out or not. A good footman will wait for ten minutes while we make our decision.
This is a question of human training. The first problem is getting your would-be footman's attention. Homo sapiens (don't make me laugh) have flibbertigibbet minds, unable to concentrate on one thing, their duty to a superior species. They keep going off and wasting time with a plastic mouse and a screen. Or cooking. I have nothing against human cooking (handy for bits of chicken and so forth) but I don't want a human that cooks instead of keeping an eye out on the cat flap, or "the window at the bottom of the door" as you so correctly term it.
The trick is never ever to come through the cat flap when the human can see you doing it. Once they have seen you can manage this cat flap, they will feel empowered to keep you waiting outside. So do not use it. This refusal may involve waiting in the rain but purrsist. Wide-open mouth mewing and a pathetic look will help them recognise their duty to let you in. Finally, if they have made you wait, crawl in loudly mewing and shaking yourself as if shivering with cold. (In the unlikely event of UK hot weather, collapse on the kitchen floor panting.)
What is the basis of this training? It is Making Guilt Work. Guilt is a specifically human emotion, which makes humans feel uncomfortable on behalf of a victim. We cats don't do guilt but luckily for us, humans do. So, the aim is to wait outside looking unhappy in order to stir up this guilt emotion in your staff.
Purrsistency will win this one, Natasha.
Affectionately,
George
PS. When they are out you can come and go through the cat flap as you please, of course.
PPS. More cat photos for feline oscars next week.

A few Feline Oscar nominations.....

Here are some of the great cats that I would like to nominate for an Oscar. This is my personal choice. There is also an actual UK Oscar award organised by Cats Protection.
My selection this week. Further photos will go on in two week's time.....From the top here goes:

CAT VICTORIA for her STAR QUALITY. Victoria has what all cats have - charisma, charm, beauty. She has all these qualities and more. She is a natural star.







FLUFFY. Fluffy has devoted her life to making sure her human has healthy eating patterns. One of her training methods is to sit firmly in the box showing that it is empty and reminding her human that she should order some more fruit.








SID. Sid is nominated for his hair style. It's not just his long fine hair which all Maine coons have. His ear hair is particularly charming, with great tufts coming out at the top. He also has great whiskers and a beautifully marked whisker pad with regular lines of dark whisker roots.








SPEEDY. Speedy has proved that cats can dance. As a kitten he practised on his human's bed throwing his toy mouse up and dancing below before catching it. Now he has taken his dance routine into the outside world, where it is much admired.












COCO. What-a-tail-my-cat has got award. Like all Birmans she has white gloves and white slippers but her glory is her tail.










MISS RUBY FOU. Miss Ruby Four (she does not like her name being truncated in any way) is nominated for her human training skills. Her humans obey and, if they don't, her firm tones make their life intolerable. She is the Mrs Woodhouse of cats, only a great deal more beautiful though noisier. At night she allows her humans to sleep either side of her, or (if she feels in the right mood) will sleep in the female human's arms.

I am in love with my cat sitter, I think?

Dear George,

My name is Alfie and I was adopted about 3 years ago from a pond. I was the last to be adopted only because people found me being “too black, too skinny and too ugly” based on their no-sense standards. So, I’m grateful to my human parents who adopted me the way I am. I’m even more grateful for all the love and care they give me. Recently I was found having a hyperthyroidism problem and I’m currently under medication.

But, my problem is of a different nature! Let me tell you what happened if I may! For the longest time my parents never went away. Lately they start going away for 3 days at a time or, mostly for a week. Of course, my mommy arranged with one of her friends to “cat-sit” me. So, actually it’s a couple cat-sitting me; he comes in the morning but in the evening they come together. They bring me toys, new food (better tasting that mine), we play and we talk a lot. She calls me “Alfonso, my love” and he calls me some funny nickname in a strange language that actually sounds very nice.

George, my problem is that I found myself wishing for my parents to go away more often. I don’t want to hurt their feelings ….but, I think I’m in love with my cat-sitter. What can I do? My mommy already mentioned that lately I became more talkative Probably my humans thought that because of my modest origin I don’t have a rich vocabulary, but I do. And I think I’m handsome too, otherwise why would she call me “Alfonso, my love”? So, George, help me with my two questions please; one – I need some tips regarding some sort of maintenance for my hyperthyroidism and second - how can I share my feelings without hurting anybody?

Alfie/Alfonso

Dear Alfie,
You are worrying yourself unnecessarily. Stop thinking about your humans and start concentrating on getting your own way.
We cats often love more than one person (as do humans, actually). Your feelings are quite normal. Indeed many cats with a cat flap set up a second home further down the road or just round the corner. It's particularly useful when our humans leave the house all day and switch off the central heating in the winter. Down the road we can find a lonely person whose heating is on during the day and who may even offer us a better class of cat food. Two-timing is what humans call it: I just call it looking after my own needs.
So far, so good.... Our perfectly natural behaviour, however, sometimes upsets our humans. It's not as if humans don't two-time each other: they do. But they don't like it being done to them. Puursonally, I would show your feelings openly to your first family (so to speak) because with a bit of luck, they will try to be nicer to you. Indeed, it doesn't hurt to put on a sorrowful and unhappy air when they come back from their holidays/vacations. Humans feel something they call "guilt." We cats do not do guilt. But a guilty human is often a human who buys better cat food or gives us more games, more space in the bed, and more tickling behind the ears. Make guilt work in your favour, Alfie.
Hyperthyroidism is a breeze nowadays. Medication should work well. If you don't like the taste of the pill, or the inhumane way humans stuff it into your throat, purrsuade them to buy EasyTabs or Pill Pockets. These are meat flavoured pellets hiding the medication. They taste good....
Remember, Alfie, we cats rule. We cats do what we like: humans do what we like. What's ours is ours and what's theirs is ours.
George

Wicky Wuudler, the wit and wisdom of a great cat.

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Whicky Wuudler, famous character on the feline blogosphere, has passed away. I am in mourning for a great cat.

It was Whicky, with his ironic and post modern comments on this blog, that taught me so much about how we cats should think of humans. He called them “apes.” Perfectly correct terminology. Homo sapiens (don’t laugh at that last word) is part of the primate family and one of the Homidae genus which include other great apes. Whicky’s instinctive grasp of the correct term reminded us cats that humans are only animals – and not very nice ones at that.

He campaigned ceaselessly for proper human training. “The reward of purring should always be earned. I agree that cats should make the apes work hard for a purr., I like to make the ape work hard for even the smallest purr. Be careful though, apes can become quite emotional from purr absence, thus making them ever more grateful if I relent and offer the odd rumble. Remember, grateful apes = 100% subservient apes.”

Another bit of Wicky wisdom was an alternative training method, use of the miaow. “Apes are simple creatures, but they are easily reduced to mush by use of the most powerful weapon a feline has. The Silent Miaow. Just open your mouth as if to miaow, but don't make a sound. Make sure that you are looking up at your ape, keep your eyes wide open - expectant and innocent, try looking slightly pitiful as well. Then let the ape have it. It works every time, your ape will instantly attend to your every need and forget about use of that pointless ape word "no". The Silent Miaow must be used wisely lest the ape becomes used to it."

Whicky, or Mr Wuudler as he occasionally signed himself, was sound on feline basics: “Humans need much supervising in the kitchen. There's another way to ensure that a cat gets to do plenty of "cleaning up". Once the human has served the meal and is wending their way to wherever they want to eat it, wind yourself around their legs until they fall over and the meal lands over a wide area of carpet. The human will get up and stagger off to find cleaning items. When they return (limping) they will be so grateful that you have cleaned up the spilt food for them.

Also, never forget to swipe the bacon from an unguarded bacon sandwich. This is my speciality, a bit like the magicians who whip the tablecloth from the laden table without disturbing the place settings.”

It wasn’t just his wisdom. It was also his wit which made his contributions so valuable. Of Larry, the cat at Number 10 Downing St, he wrote: “Larry has his work cut out for him. The head ape at No. 10 is making life hard for many pets who reside with apes. Shelters are full already and recession means more pets to be dumped at shelters. Yep, Larry is a brave cat to take on ape training at No.10 “.

He also campaigned for an end to the cruel declawing of cats in the USA (see a Facebook page here) and the plight of homeless, starving and unloved cats everywhere. Whicky with his wonky ear was larger than life. Farewell, Whicky. We shall miss you.

George Online Cat.

PS. The photos on this blog are copyright from Everycat blog where more tributes can be found http://everycat.blogspot.com