I want to bite humans.... they bring out the worst in me

Dear George,

I desperately need your help as I think I’m in real trouble. I’m too young to know better but you as a human behavior specialist can help.

My problem is that each time my human has guests in the house I have this urge to attack, bite and scratch them. Of course my human doesn’t like it and I really don’t care if he does or not since he never bothered asking me if I like all these noisy people on my territory. George, why people make me do this? Why do they bring out the worst in me? Now, my human planned another trip and he invited over a friend to move in and stay with me while he’s away. This “live-in” guest is afraid of me now and I’m afraid that she won’t move in and she won’t take care of me. George, do you see my problem? I can’t risk being home alone for two weeks without a human feeding me or cleaning after me. What should I do? How can I assure her that I’m not going to attack her?

Any suggestion will be highly appreciated as time is of essence right now.

With gratitude

Vegas

Dear Vegas,

Are you just hunting them? Without any mice in the house, some of us cats turn and hunt our humans. Life indoors is so boring without any hunting opportunities, we treat humans like mice. We ambush them round corners, leap on them from a height, and enjoy hearing them scream as our claws go into their bare legs. Sensible humans wear thick clothes, ignore us (thus ruining the fun), and give us lots more to do by way of hunting games with string. Get your humans working on giving you hunting alternatives. Or just keep hunting them. It's good fun and they enjoy it really.

Sometimes we bite because we are just scared. And it's the humans' fault. They will harass us - pick us up, cuddle us, "make a fuss" of us, and generally treat us like a soft toy. If we are anxious cats, then we strike out at them. It works very well. Once bitten or scratched, the human harasser usually stops behaving in this way. But some persist....

Purrsonally, I feel safest with humans that let me take control. I go to them: they don't go to me. I choose if I will accept affection from them. They do not offer it unless I make it clear I want it. We cats feel best in control. Humans don't understand cat manners, so they don't realise how rude it is to harass us. It is our duty to try and teach them by tooth and claw.

Have you ever noticed that the humans who hate cats have purrfect manners. They ignore us. They stay away from us. They may even try to avoid us. It's really, really attractive. I love humans like that. I jump on their laps. I purr all over them even while they are shuddering with distaste for me. That's amusing too, of course.

If the live-in guest cleans your litter tray twice a day and puts down food and water, that is all she has to do. The less she interacts with you the better. She should let you decide if you want petting or any other kind of body contact.

Control..... Cats like it. Dumb humans don't understand.

Love George