Make your human feed you - a new method

Hello George,
It’s me again, Rakishi. I thought I would share with you a ploy I’ve been developing which gets my humans to give me extra food without any effort at all on my part. The idea may not be entirely original, but I’ve been refining it with some remarkably good results. It utilises the Making Guilt Work principle which you explained so well to Natasha.
In between what they call my “mealtimes” ( I ask you, would you catch a mouse or vole only at specific times each day?), I often get a bit peckish, so I go into the kitchen and sit silently by my empty bowl, facing the doorway, putting on a sad expression. This is a room they go in and out of quite often, so I usually don’t have to wait too long until one of them comes in. I get almost immediate results. They feel so sorry for me that out comes something, usually tasty enough.
They have tried their own trick of giving me something they think I’m not fond of, with the female muttering about my not getting fat. But I eat it any way, as it’s important to keep the pressure up. And, if I think they’re slipping, instead of sitting by my bowl, I lie down next to it. This is nice and restful, and I find I’m tempted to doze off – but I have to keep alert so as not to spoil the effect. This is a real winner. The female in particular gets quite bothered, and gives me extra tuna, which I love. (It’s always served with lots of tuna-flavoured water which is really yummy; she thinks it’s good for me to drink more liquid and I’m happy to oblige.)
So you see rather than expending energy hanging about them and nagging for food, I have a nice rest while at the same time getting them to do what I want. Lord, what fools these mortals be, as a great cat poet once wrote.
Hope you are keeping well and the hunting is good. Personally, I don’t bother much. I don’t really feel the need.
Rakishi

Dear Rakishi,
Thank you for another helpful training tip. I shall mention this in my forthcoming monumental and much researched work, A Cat's Guide to Humans. This particular method of training humans to give food is, as you say, marvellously effortless. Feline indolence, I once read in a science paper, has to be taken into consideration when studying cats. Many hours of observation or of videoing merely result in a human watching or recording a cat sleeping.
You are quite right in thinking that humans fail to feed us properly. We cats like a mouse-sized portion about 10 to 15 times in 24 hours, depending on the size of the notional mouse. What we often get is a large meal, equivalent to about six mice, twice a day. Or, if we are lucky, food left down all the time - easy to eat but somehow not very exciting.
Celia decided to feed my friend Tilly, the ugliest cat in the shelter, ad lib. She put down a huge bowl of food, equivalent to at least a day's grub, and Tilly ate it all immediatly. So she put down a similar amount, which Tilly had finished about three hours later. Celia, now alarmed, put down another similar amount - and that too was eaten up. All in all, Tilly ate three days food in approximately eight hours. The experiment ceased and Celia went back to feeding Tilly twice a day with proper portion control.
It is always satisfying when cats outwit human plans in this way.
Thank you for your valuable contribution to knowledge of the cat-human relationship. Good hunting.
George



--------------

Mabel, the retail cat, speaks out....

Dear George,
I am a cat with several homes – all of them in the shopping areas of a Cotswold town. I sleep at Thomas Cook’s, the travel agents, which has a low level letter plate which I can easily open. During the day I favour the Cheltenham and Gloucester Building Society, then Milletts, then Five Valleys Leisure, then Clarks, then Blue Cross charity shop or one of a dozen other shops. These are all really good places to eat and rest during tiring shopping hours.
For lunch on Fridays I visit the market where Ken the cheese man gives me a ham dinner. (He has very good ham). Most of my stops have some cat food ready for me. They make me very welcome.
Officially I adopted two humans , Jen and Ron. No, I don’t live with them. They are nice people but I prefer a more exotic lifestyle. They come and feed me and give me a cuddle in dark evenings when the weather is bad. I like to feel they are checking out my accommodation.
It has taken a certain firm mindedness on my part. At first people would ring Ron or Jennifer and ask them to come and fetch me. When they did so I took no notice of their attempts to make me into a stay-at-home. I just persisted in my chosen lifestyle.
Yours
Mabel.


Dear Mabel,
What an inspiration. Yours is a story which proves the strong mindedness and persistence of the feline personality. Not for you the quiet fireside and the stable domestic life. Instead, you have chosen a life on the road.
I also admire your humans who have sensibly decided to go with your decision. One of their relatives told me that Ron goes out every evening to feed you and make sure you are OK. This pair of humans is very special. Wish they were all like that.
I should also celebrate your interest in retailing... Some people, pointing at Ginger the Cat who kept a shop with Pickles the dog (in the Beatrice Potter tales), have claimed that cats make lousy shopkeepers. They forget that Mrs Tabitha Twitchit, who refused to give credit, had an astute grasp of economics. Moreover I bet the shops get more people in when they see you sleeping in the window. What an advertisement.
From looking at your photo I can see that you do not run short of food. You have purrsuaded half the human shopkeepers in the town to feed you, not forgetting Ken and his ham. We black cats are the tops!
Wooooooo….. well done Mabel.
George
PS. The morning I posted this answer, there was a queue of four at Clark's shoe shop waiting for the shop to open. There were three human ladies and, in front of them, Mabel queuing for her breakfast.

I want to bite humans.... they bring out the worst in me

Dear George,

I desperately need your help as I think I’m in real trouble. I’m too young to know better but you as a human behavior specialist can help.

My problem is that each time my human has guests in the house I have this urge to attack, bite and scratch them. Of course my human doesn’t like it and I really don’t care if he does or not since he never bothered asking me if I like all these noisy people on my territory. George, why people make me do this? Why do they bring out the worst in me? Now, my human planned another trip and he invited over a friend to move in and stay with me while he’s away. This “live-in” guest is afraid of me now and I’m afraid that she won’t move in and she won’t take care of me. George, do you see my problem? I can’t risk being home alone for two weeks without a human feeding me or cleaning after me. What should I do? How can I assure her that I’m not going to attack her?

Any suggestion will be highly appreciated as time is of essence right now.

With gratitude

Vegas

Dear Vegas,

Are you just hunting them? Without any mice in the house, some of us cats turn and hunt our humans. Life indoors is so boring without any hunting opportunities, we treat humans like mice. We ambush them round corners, leap on them from a height, and enjoy hearing them scream as our claws go into their bare legs. Sensible humans wear thick clothes, ignore us (thus ruining the fun), and give us lots more to do by way of hunting games with string. Get your humans working on giving you hunting alternatives. Or just keep hunting them. It's good fun and they enjoy it really.

Sometimes we bite because we are just scared. And it's the humans' fault. They will harass us - pick us up, cuddle us, "make a fuss" of us, and generally treat us like a soft toy. If we are anxious cats, then we strike out at them. It works very well. Once bitten or scratched, the human harasser usually stops behaving in this way. But some persist....

Purrsonally, I feel safest with humans that let me take control. I go to them: they don't go to me. I choose if I will accept affection from them. They do not offer it unless I make it clear I want it. We cats feel best in control. Humans don't understand cat manners, so they don't realise how rude it is to harass us. It is our duty to try and teach them by tooth and claw.

Have you ever noticed that the humans who hate cats have purrfect manners. They ignore us. They stay away from us. They may even try to avoid us. It's really, really attractive. I love humans like that. I jump on their laps. I purr all over them even while they are shuddering with distaste for me. That's amusing too, of course.

If the live-in guest cleans your litter tray twice a day and puts down food and water, that is all she has to do. The less she interacts with you the better. She should let you decide if you want petting or any other kind of body contact.

Control..... Cats like it. Dumb humans don't understand.

Love George

It is better to arrive than to travel.... crossing borders

Dear George,
My name is Bowie and even if I came before Easter ….I’m not a bunny, I’m a stray cat from the streets of Mexico. A kind family vacationing in the Mexico found me looking for food near a resort. They took me in and alerted all their friends trying desperately to find me a house before their return to their country. I understood they have a rescued cat home as well. One of their friends who lives in Mexico adopted me already and took me to some man (they call him a vet) who checked my whole body like I was crossing the border!!! And then he gave me a shot. Nothing was painful but I was scared and didn’t understand why all this was necessary. I didn’t ask for a visa….I just asked for food!

Anyway, I’m now a happy camper, with plenty of food and attention.

But, I worry because I don’t know if this nice lady will keep me for good (I wish she would as I like her a lot) or I’ll be heading soon to another country to live with the family who found me and their other rescue? What do you think? How can I find out?

Happy Easter to all!

Bowie

Dear Bowie,

Yes, we cats usually aren't too keen on travel. We are natural home bodies. We like nice safe core territory in a human house, and, if we can get it, a hunting range outside in the neighbourhood's gardens. So it is natural that you must feel rather worried.

Will you be settled for life? I hope so. There are lots of cats here in the UK who discover that their home is being broken up -- divorce, moving to rented accomodation that won't allow cats, getting lost, or just sheer bad look. Then they need homes all over again.

Some cats, however, find their own homes. Magic, a Maine coon, went missing in Kingston on Thames and so his human pets knocked on the door of every house in their street. They found Magic on the sofa on one of the houses. He had been regularly eating and sleeping there in the daytime for several weeks. And, three other humans in the street, admitted that he popped in regularly to them for a snack.

So it is not all one wway, Bowie. Humans like to think they are in charge, but more often they discover they are not. You may find that you can re-home yourself if you don't like the accomodation offered by your current pet. Or, just add another human home or two for extra petting and food when yours is absent.

A beautiful white cat like you will never be short of humans to adopt. If you like the one you are currently with, just make sure you give her plenty of attention. Humans are suckers for a cat that purrs, nuzzles and rubs up against them. Make yourself indispensable to her happiness. Charm her. Schmooze her.

Love

George.

I'm only a kitten but....

Hi George,
I am just a kitten but I want you to know that I am learning fast in a human home. My mother had me in a cardboard box and me and my three other siblings have been romping round this human cottage from the moment we left the box. The two humans here handle us and play with us and pick us up, and generally make much of us. As a result we are learning how live with this other inferior species and how to deal with their behaviour.
But what about other kittens? What about the ones that are born in shelters? How will they learn?
Love
Susie.

Dear Susie,
They won't learn very well, is the answer. Too many rescue places are still putting mothers and kittens into cat pens - often in a "quieter" part of the shelter. So they grow up only meeting a few humans and only for a little part of the day.
So when they get outside into the wide world, it is a struggle for them to know how to train and live with their new humans. It's like meeting an elephant for the first time, or even a whole family of elephants, and having to work out how to make sure these huge animals do what you want..... not easy, Susie.
Luckily you have had a good start in life. Some of the better rescue charities in the UK are beginning to realise that kittens do better if they are fostered in a human home. That way, they learn to live with humans from the start and begin at a very early age to pick up the basics of human training.
Love George.
PS. This blog entry is late due to my secretary, Celia, going away for the day for a "college" reunion. She didn't learn much there when she was an adolescent and her absence from her duties this Saturday has sorely tried my temper.

Microchipping humans and feline oscar nominations

This week I have been busy doing a guest blog for SureFlap on the need for a human flap and human microchipping. Click here to read it.

I have now turned to the important topic of honouring cats. Here are some more nominations for feline oscars, from cats that have featured in my column. Taken from the top.

Sir Winston on the left. That nose with its darkened stripes. Those green slanting eyes. And the fur in his ears...... Forget George Clooney. This is just the most glamorous male in catdom.





Fluffy and Cayene are nominated because they don't give a stuff about Oscars. They just chill out.....















Scaramouche is nominated for his very beautiful brow and nose, making perhaps the perfect profile of a cat. The













Lucy for her caring qualities. Lucy has looked after her human in a devoted way, seeing her through bereavement and major health problems. She adopted Jane from Cats Protection three or four years ago and has been a responsible and loving pet owner.

The window at the bottom of the door....purrlease

Dear George
I know you recognise the difficulties I have been having with staff. (You may not be royal like me, but all cats are noble, n’est-ce pas?)
I’m afraid I have another problem. My human hostess seems to expect me to come and go through a window in the bottom of the door. She says it would be just like having my own key. Well George, I ask you, does HM Queen carry a key? No, she has a footman to open the door for her, and that is what I expect.
There is a teenager who lives here who is always rattling in and out of this window. Well really, he might be a burglar! I find it most disturbing, clatter wallop. And he looks most ungainly as he exits – really, I have no wish to display my posterior in such a manner. The hostess has tried to bribe me with food to use this window, but I have let her know that I shall just politely wait until the door is opened properly. There is a man here who could perfectly well act as footman – I know my hostess has encouraged him to learn from Downton, but he just fell asleep.
I am sure I am not alone in having this preference, George – as my special friend, do tell me what you think.
Yours affectionately
Natasha

Dear Natasha,
Opening doors as a footman or cat commissionaire is an essential part of a human's duty towards its cat. As you say, it is a question of class (cats are upper, humans are lower) or species status (cats are superior life forms; humans are inferior life forms).
Door keeping by a human is particularly important for those moments when we want to sit near the door frame and sniff the air, in order to decide whether we will go out or not. A good footman will wait for ten minutes while we make our decision.
This is a question of human training. The first problem is getting your would-be footman's attention. Homo sapiens (don't make me laugh) have flibbertigibbet minds, unable to concentrate on one thing, their duty to a superior species. They keep going off and wasting time with a plastic mouse and a screen. Or cooking. I have nothing against human cooking (handy for bits of chicken and so forth) but I don't want a human that cooks instead of keeping an eye out on the cat flap, or "the window at the bottom of the door" as you so correctly term it.
The trick is never ever to come through the cat flap when the human can see you doing it. Once they have seen you can manage this cat flap, they will feel empowered to keep you waiting outside. So do not use it. This refusal may involve waiting in the rain but purrsist. Wide-open mouth mewing and a pathetic look will help them recognise their duty to let you in. Finally, if they have made you wait, crawl in loudly mewing and shaking yourself as if shivering with cold. (In the unlikely event of UK hot weather, collapse on the kitchen floor panting.)
What is the basis of this training? It is Making Guilt Work. Guilt is a specifically human emotion, which makes humans feel uncomfortable on behalf of a victim. We cats don't do guilt but luckily for us, humans do. So, the aim is to wait outside looking unhappy in order to stir up this guilt emotion in your staff.
Purrsistency will win this one, Natasha.
Affectionately,
George
PS. When they are out you can come and go through the cat flap as you please, of course.
PPS. More cat photos for feline oscars next week.

A few Feline Oscar nominations.....

Here are some of the great cats that I would like to nominate for an Oscar. This is my personal choice. There is also an actual UK Oscar award organised by Cats Protection.
My selection this week. Further photos will go on in two week's time.....From the top here goes:

CAT VICTORIA for her STAR QUALITY. Victoria has what all cats have - charisma, charm, beauty. She has all these qualities and more. She is a natural star.







FLUFFY. Fluffy has devoted her life to making sure her human has healthy eating patterns. One of her training methods is to sit firmly in the box showing that it is empty and reminding her human that she should order some more fruit.








SID. Sid is nominated for his hair style. It's not just his long fine hair which all Maine coons have. His ear hair is particularly charming, with great tufts coming out at the top. He also has great whiskers and a beautifully marked whisker pad with regular lines of dark whisker roots.








SPEEDY. Speedy has proved that cats can dance. As a kitten he practised on his human's bed throwing his toy mouse up and dancing below before catching it. Now he has taken his dance routine into the outside world, where it is much admired.












COCO. What-a-tail-my-cat has got award. Like all Birmans she has white gloves and white slippers but her glory is her tail.










MISS RUBY FOU. Miss Ruby Four (she does not like her name being truncated in any way) is nominated for her human training skills. Her humans obey and, if they don't, her firm tones make their life intolerable. She is the Mrs Woodhouse of cats, only a great deal more beautiful though noisier. At night she allows her humans to sleep either side of her, or (if she feels in the right mood) will sleep in the female human's arms.

Of Hollywood, glamour, Oscars and dogs! Nominate your cat.

Dear George,

Can you imagine that I was invited to attend the Oscars last Sunday and I missed it because I couldn’t find a date? I was SO excited – I was supposed to sit right next to George Clooney! Can you imagine sitting next to him? But let me tell you why I missed it! Of course my mummy wouldn’t let me go alone so I had to find a date. I invited the George Clooney’s of cats (as Celia called him) I mean….Sir Winston! He kindly declined my invitation as he was having other commitments (in reality I think he secretly likes Cayenne more then he likes me)! Anyway, I desperately tried to find a tuxedo cat since who would have time to look for a proper suit before the show? I even tried to get you George but Celia played her tricks again! So, quite upset I watched the Oscars on TV. I was delighted to watch the Hollywood glamour! I was happy that the feline’s world was so well represented! Cute kitties with gorgeous coat, I mean dresses – Penelope Cruz, Michelle Williams, Cameron, Sandra. Wow! “Puss in the boots” nominated. I was in a dreamland until I’ve seen that little dog on stage! WHAT? A dog named Uggie at the Oscars? What name is this in the first place? And what was he doing there? Tell you what….he was begging (for treats)! Phew! Did Hollywood go nuts? Best movie with a dog named Uggie? They must be kidding! And he's on YouTube too. Anyway, to protest I got myself into this bag and I won’t come out until they edit the movie and get that dog out!

George, what do you think? Should we, the cats, punish the Hollywood?

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

It is too bad that I failed to receive your invitation to the Oscars. I would have broken the habit of a lifetime and accepted a white bow tie for my neck, since I don't have a tuxedo inbuilt into my fur colouring. If you and I had gone, I assure you that nobody, but nobody, would have looked at George Clooney. We would have been the centre of attention throughout.

I think we ought to start our own Feline Oscars. We could, for instance, nominate Larry from Downing Street for a prize (imagine having to live with all those politicians - horribly stressful) , Homer the Blind Cat (he fought off a burglar), and Oscar, the cat who does the rounds in a hospice (his medical skills allow him to know which patients are about to die). I personally would also nominate Tilly, the ugliest cat in the shelter who adopted Celia and helped her recover from breast cancer. Admittedly Tilly is so totally without glamour, being brown and scruffy (see photo), that she would have no chance of winning but she might like a nomination.

I don't think we will allow dogs to be entered. Like you I get tired of the attention paid to an ugly Jack Russell. He may be the star of a movie but he has let himself be trained by a human. That is hardly something to be admired.

Dogs just don't have a clue. They actually look up to humans. Dumb.

Love

George

Send your cats photo, as an Oscar nomination, to me via my website, www.celiahaddon.com, and I will post it in this blog.

Dear George,
My name is Cleo and I am nearly nineteen years old. I have just met your friend, Harvey at the vets and he told me about your advisory column. Our vet specialises only in cats and rabbits so we both get excellent care.
I have recently been very ill but am fine now although I need to have my blood pressure checked by my doctor quite regularly. My human mum is very kind and made some of her special chicken broth for me while I was recuperating but I still can't get used to being shut in my cat basket and taken away from my comfort zone. The only way I can show my disapproval is by shredding the newspaper in my cage while I wait for my appointment.
This spreads the paper all over the waiting room floor and everybody laughs. They don't seem to understand I am expressing my stress and I wondered if you might be able to think of some other way of getting my point over. Harvey said you might have some good ideas.
Yours anxiously,
Cleo

Dear Cleo,
If shredding paper helps, keep shredding. Take no notice of human disapproval or laughter. This is an exceptionally ignorant species with a poor sense of humour and no common sense. Of course, you are stressed. Who wouldn't be?
I hate sitting in my cat carrier in the waiting room where there is not only the hateful smell of vets, but also a number of smelly noisy dogs, panting and barking. Luckily my human has a covered box for me so that although I can smell them I don't have to see them. Get your human to cover your cat carrier with a small blanket or similar while you wait in the waiting room. If possible she should put your carrier on a chair or on her lap. Higher feels safer for cats. She should sit as far away as possible from dogs or other cats. Or leave you in the car, and only bring you in when the vet calls you in.
We cats hate all vets. Would it make you feel better if you bit the vet? If so, feel free to do so. The only problem is that not all vets respond well. Some handle us roughly after that. And I haven't forgotten that awful TV programme in which a vet "nurse" (so called) hit a dog that bit him. I won't name the vet group concerned here, because of human libel laws but if any readers remember it, just avoid that practice.
Personally I just hunch down on the table and feel miserable in a vet's surgery. I comfort myself with thoughts of what I would like to do to the vet - clawing her, biting her, making her sit on a table and pummelling her, looking at her teeth and eyes.... If we could do to vets what they do to us, there would be no practising vets at all. Happy thought!
Yours cheerfully,
George
PS. I often go into my carrier for choice. Celia leaves it on the floor in the house and puts bits of cat food in it. This makes me feel quite relaxed about the carrier. Of course, this warm feeling doesn't transfer to the vet's surgery.

Be my Valentine and thank you all, guys.

Dear George,

I think I am a bit more spiritual and romantic lately. Why I think so? Well, you know that I’ve always prided my self for being “the cool, intellectual” cat; writing, reading and researching. But, since my recent “trial” I changed and I would like to take this opportunity to thank a few and show my gratitude!

First and foremost, I want to thank God!

Then, I want to thank Amanda, my lovely guardian angel, for giving my spine and tail’s first sign of life back. You, moggies in UK are lucky to have Amanda there. She is the Head of Health Kinesiology UK, an excellent practitioner and teacher. She can be reached by phone at 07938 851750 or by email at theshwanrooms@gmail.com or via her website at: www.subtleenergy.com – she‘s listed under Amanda Brooks. She can do wonders for both us and our human pets .

I also want to thank Dr. Cindy Kneebone and her staff at the East York Animal Clinic, a holistic pet care clinic in Toronto (www.holisticpetvet.com) for the excellent care I’ve received. Dr. Kneebone is a surgeon with a kind heart who combines traditional western medicine with alternative medicine. She gave me acupuncture, chiropractic and laser treatments along with homeopathic remedies, supplements and vitamins.

I want to thank you George and Celia for your friendship and love. I want to thank Harvey, my Brit bunny friend, Oliver, Garry and their ape for the love they sent my way.

Last, but not least, I thank my sister and my human parents for their unconditional love, support, massages and kisses

The waves of love sent my way were amazing and made me understand the miracles of prayers and the power of love.

I feel that you all can be my Valentine! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love

Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
I have always known there is a God. Sometimes, if I am having a particularly wonderful day in the fields surrounding my home, I can almost hear the faint sound of a purring Higher Feline Power. At the side of my sight, just out of my focus, I have sometimes seen, or thought I have seen, an angelic whisker quivering with joy. Once I thought I saw, for a second or two, a vision of two bright golden eyes - huge, far bigger than my eyes, blazing with love.

These are the moments that give me that feeling of deepest serenity, that somehow, somewhere, it all has meaning. That despite the feral kittens dying of cat flu, the elderly cats chucked out into the street to die because their owners won't pay the vet bills, or just the pain we all feel when we are ill, that in the end all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well. I just go back to my life after these experiences and go on living it ... as indeed I should.

Dr Kneebone has done you proud. I can see from the way you are tucked into that basket that you are feeling much better. However, don't get too soft about vets. They may have their uses, but we don't want to admit to that. I had a dream last night that my vet was brought into my kitchen in a very large cat carrier. She crawled out of it and lay on the kitchen table. I kneaded her from head to toe with all my claws out and she just lay there quivering with fear.

It was the best dream I have had in ages.

Love George

Vote for me and support World Spay Day - alas not for humans

Hi George,
I'm Jasper. The person who takes care of me, Alice Cornwall, has entered me in The Humane Society of the United States' and Humane Society International's World Spay Day Online Pet Photo Contest. Now I need your human to help me win some cool prizes -- and raise critical funds for spaying and neutering to control pet overpopulation. Please vote for me here.
This is how it works. Donate to vote for me here. For every US $1 you donate, I'll be awarded 1 vote. (And if you donate US $5, you'll be able to give me 5 votes, and so on!) All of your donation goes to the organization that we've chosen to sponsor, and supports a great cause—spaying and neutering animals to help control pet overpopulation!
To celebrate the 17th annual World Spay Day on February 28, 2012, The Humane Society of the United States and Humane Society International are telling everyone how spaying and neutering improves pets' lives. In addition to making pets like me better, more affectionate companions, spaying and neutering helps animals live longer and healthier.
I'd appreciate your vote and donation today, but if you'd like to enter your own pet in the contest, then please do -- I can handle some friendly competition!
Your human can enter the contest until 5 p.m., Eastern Time, on February 29, 2012; voting ends at 10 p.m., Eastern Time, on February 29, 2012. You'll help make a huge difference in the lives of pets everywhere.
Sincerely,
Jasper

Dear Jasper,
I have mixed feelings about World Spay day. Very mixed. Yes, I do support it. Some of the most elegant and world famous cats like me and Larry of Downing St have had the snip. We are metrosexual cool cats. Just occasionally I think longingly of roof tops and caterwauling and queuing up near a sexy little female cat... the road not taken. But I have chosen the nobler better path, I know.
But what about a World Human Spay Day. Why can't we support that. There are far to many Homo sapiens (LOL!) around and the human overpopulation is really really serious. Could we start a charity called the Human Humane Society or the Humane Feline Society, to spread the snip among the males of the species, and the op among the females. They breed like.... well, not to offend my friend Harvey,... humans.
The number of human kittens worldwide is truly frightening. Admittedly they are not competition. They are useless at mousing and while humans will probably exterminate all the big cats like tigers and lions, we small cats can run rings round them. We will be there when humans are an endangered species due to their trashing of their own environment.
Your very welcome letter has given me food for philosophising.
Yours
George
PS. My old friend tabby and white William has retired from his twitter account and handed it over to Tilly Ugliest Cat. Pulchritude-wise this is not an improvement.

Fat cats... no, pleasantly rounded and voluptuous

Dear George
I do so agree with what you say about the term ‘fat cats’. And never mind about applying it to humans – it is most impolite ever to combine the words fat and cat. Some of us may be a little portly – I myself am pleasantly rounded, in a way that I feel you would find quite charming! But the human hostess I live with imagines that I am concerned about putting on weight. I am of Russian descent, royal of course – would I worry about a thing like that?
George, she bans eating between meals – is that civilised? I plead for elevenses, afternoon tea, a little snack with cocktails, but she seldom obliges. I sometimes try a little hunting to supplement her so-called correct diet, but the staff have no idea how to dress and serve vole, so it just sits on the mat, unappetisingly furry.
I do hope, George, that you are not one of these gentlemen who has eyes only for the supermodel type. We more voluptuous ladies have so much to offer. Don’t we? I am so thrilled to be writing to you
Truly yours
Natasha

Dear Natasha,
I have always thought that the sight of a well rounded female cat was a pleasant one, though my interest (after what happened to me at six months of age) has been purely theoretical. I perturbed that a cat of royal descent should have such difficulty getting proper staff. May I suggest careful attention to Downton Abbey on the part of your humans. They can learn a lot from that nice butler and parlour maid. Deference. A proper attitude of service to those set above them.
Elevenses, afternoon tea, and a little cocktail snack would be ideal. I get these for myself by hunting. My background was, frankly, low life. I was an orphan of the streets, brought up in a Cats Protection workhouse, from which I adopted a maid of all work, Celia. She does her best, poor soul, but she is belongs more in the kitchen than the parlour.
She has never learned to dress game. I am forced to skin my own baby rabbits, and to pluck birds. But I would like to offer you a tip about small rodents. When eating, start at the head so that the fur is smooth all the way down. It may be if you adopt this technique, that vole will be more appetising.
Yours with all deference to a true aristocat
George
PS. Prayers and purrs for Cayenne who has so often graced these pages. She is recovering and will appreciate the invisible waves of love from us all.

Fat cats of the world unite against bankers.

Dear George,
You have frequently expressed your outrage at the judgmental use of the term ‘fat cat’ to describe an exploitative and possibly criminal rogue capitalist. Now I have discovered this photo on a viral marketing campaign by those Occupy people. This is the photo.
I worry that our humans, whose intelligence is, as we know, so very limited, will blame our chubbier associates for the collapse our the world banking system. If we marched upon St Paul’s and occupied their tents, do you think they would be more sensitive?
Yours in the struggle,
Scaramouche.

Dear Scaramouche,
I share your outrage. Not a day goes by without more appalling photos of cats with a certain embonpoint. There's now a whole website devoted to photographs of disgusting humans on Wall St with large cats (I will not use the word "fat" to save the cats concerned embarassment) photoshopped on. Is this website funny? Not if you are a cat.
My friend Pusskin is particularly worried that some idiotic and unfeeling human will steal this photograph, showing him relaxing at home, and put it next to an unpleasant be-suited human. He is a cat of impeccable character, unlike these Wall St spivs, and has nothing to do with banking whatsoever. He is extremely upset that some of the cats on this website look remarkably like him.
Can I reassure him that his reputation is safe? Or that the reputation of any felines of a large size will not be ridiculed. Or even blamed for the collapse of the European economy? I have heard from some Greek tabby and whites that they are particularly anxious. Admittedly most cats in Greece are slim, due to having to scrounge a poor living. One or two of them, lucky enough to find agreeable humans, have put on enough weight to make imposing figures. If the Greek banking system collapses, will they be at risk? I cannot offer much reassurance. These are worrying times for our reputation.
As you so rightly say, Scaramouche, the limited intelligence of humans (bankers in particular) makes one fear the worst. Should we march upon St Pauls and occupy the objectors' tents? I personally am against this idea. Tents let in the wet and are extremely cold. Possibly we could purrsuade the bankers to do something for us, for a change - structured feline fundholdings, special cat derivatives, collateralised moggy swaps, convertible default special purpose entities? Or just plain free cat food....
Yours with rising anxiety
George
PS. Harry Spotter has added this campaign to his list of political talking points. See this campaign grow at http://spotandfiona.blogspot.com/

Individuality, fat cats and judgemental humans

Hello George
I’m Rakishi (photo attached), a woolly black cat with a famously large tail. ( My male human says my father must have been a squirrel – that’s his idea of a joke).
I used to hang out with my friend Woody. We’d potter about the garden and sometimes have a nice lie-down near each other in the flowerbed outside my humans’ flat. I was sorry when he died. My humans said it was because he was so fat. He was only 10 kg.
I turned my attention to his flatmate Squawk, hoping he would be my pal instead. But I didn’t realise he’s a really awkward customer. No matter how hard I try he just won’t socialise with me, and sometimes he’s quite aggressive. When he’s angry and does his slow motion avoidance walk, I wait a minute and then go after him. I don’t like to give up, you see.
My humans are a cynical pair, and say he’s trying to take over my territory as he did with Woody’s, and that I don’t know the meaning of rejection (which is gobbledegook to me). They say that normal cats mostly keep themselves to themselves.
George, do you think I’m odd?
Happy mousing,
Rakishi

Dear Rakishi,
I don't think you are odd. I just think you are you. We cats are all raging individuals. We have different personalities (even human scientists, poor limited souls, admit that). Much of what we do in later life is affected by what happened in our kittenhoods. (If Freud had only studied cats and been less obsessed with sex, he might have had better insight into humans.)
Yes, cats can be very solitary by nature. Some really are the cats that walk by themselves. Others are quite sociable, particularly if they grew up in a home with lots of other cats. I am a natural loner but my companion cat, William, now alas passed away, liked other cats. He would hang out with next door's Siamese, Miss Ruby Fou. She was probably attracted by his beautiful long hair and elegant tabby and white colouring.
Squawk seems to be one of those natural loners. He may even be aggressive about his territory so I advise you to give him a wide birth. Even your elegant bushy tail may not be enough to make him change his mind. As I said, some cats are just like that and nothing much will change them.
You will have to make do with socialising with your humans. I admit that this isn't as good as the company of other cats. The poor dumb creatures have no idea of how to behave in a proper feline manner. I noticed in a photo that Celia showed me that it looked as if your female human had been influenced by your hair style - hers looked dark and sleek too. The male, alas, hasn't got enough hair to keep up with you.
But they do value you, Rakishi. They do. Put up with their faults and defects. Remember that kindness to humans pays off, usually with a bigger helping of cat food.
Happy mousing indeed.
George
PS. Your humans seem rather judgemental about fat cats.

Do humans have a sense of humour?

Dear George,

You'll see from this story in The Daily Mash - click here - that humans find it alarming when a cat is missing from their home. How can I reassure my human that my extended strolls are nothing to worry about?
What I find alarming, of course, is the human sense of humour. They spend hours with this kind of nonsense and completely fail to appreciate the amusement that a dead vole affords.

Scaramouche

Dear Scaramouche,

I agree with you that the humans sense of humour is warped and on most occasions non-existent. I have repeatedly brought in small rodents, not just voles but mice, to see if I could interest Celia in a game of Bat-That-Vole. Not a hope.

Once, after a great effort, I brought in a young rat still very much alive. At last, I thought, I have found something she will really enjoy. It leaped out of my mouth and on to the kitchen floor. Did she laugh? She screamed and left the room.

Then she came back with a Wellington boot. That looked better. Perhaps now we could have some sport with it. Maybe she would play Bat-That-Rat using the boot. The rat ran up the corner of the wall. She put the boot below and it fell right in. This seemed a promising first move in the game.

Then she ran outside with the boot and shook the rat out into the hedge. Spoilsport Human! After all my trouble! Humans really irritate me at times.

She also gets very worried about my extended twilight absences. She just doesn't understand that this is the best hunting time. Let her worry, say I. We cannot take responsibility for human feelings. I don't bother to reassure her. It is pointless.

Yours grumpily

George

Black, beautiful and very very rich......

Dear George,

I think I’m in love! I KNOW I’m in love! No, not with my so called boyfriend who only comes in for food and eats everything, my food, his food and whatever else he finds. (I know he’s using me just for food but I’m happy I can feed a hungry cat).

Well, I’m in love with Tommaso, the millionaire cat! It took me one look at him and I knew I’m in love. He is by now famous and the richest cat in the world but that’s not the reason I love him even if $13 millions he inherited won’t hurt me, right? Or the houses in Rome, Milan or Calabria! I don’t know how to clip his photo from internet but you’ll find him through Google and see for yourself how handsome he is.

He was rescued as a back alley cat in Rome. He is 4 and black! He looks exactly like you George but I know you won’t ever leave Celia for me! So, I think I’ll give my heart to Tommaso for now (but let me know if you ever change your mind regarding Celia, of course). I want to send Tommaso a note to see if he shares my feelings. I feel bold and wild and I want to impress him! So my dear George, how can I impress a handsome cat?

Love

CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

I so approve of your choice. Not because of his money but because of his dark and handsome looks. We black cats are, all of us, handsome as hell. Dark as the devil with angelic hearts. I found this photo of him on the web and have posted it here though I am not sure if it is really him. Can those dollar signs in his eyes be for real? You can read more about him here.

Getting a note to him is going to be difficult. We cats communicate by smell so somehow you have got to send him an item that smells of you - a half-chewed catnip mouse, a little piece of your bedding, or just a little tuft of fur! I am not a sophisticat, so I just don't know how to find out his address. The richer they are, the more difficult they are to contact in my experience.

Doesn't he look gorgeous. And what a wonderful life story - found on the street and then loved so much that his pet human left him her fortune. There is a human I would like to know. She must have had a loving heart to get a street cat rather than a pedigree. Wish there were more like her. We black cats are often the last to be chosen for adoption. Maybe Tomasso's example will inspire others to offer black cats a home.

In the meantime, Victoria, it's good to have a dream. Purr yourself to sleep in this new year with the thought of those deep golden eyes, that sleek black coat, and that dark black nose and those wonderful long black whiskers.....

Love George

PS. Thank you for the comment about his eyes. Yes, they do look green but the green is the dollar signs and behind is golden, I think. Or maybe just a paler shade of green. Not sure.