Saturday, April 17, 2010

Victor Meldrew? Not any more now I am loved. Well, less grumpy!


Dear George
A few years ago your wretched secretary described me as a Victor Meldrew sort of cat (after the British TV series about a grumpy oldie). Maybe I was rather grumpy. I had spent a lot of time in catteries and then in rescue, so it was quite understandable that I used to swipe my claws at interfering humans. Yes, I admit it. I growled a lot too. It got them out of my space.
But, George, and this is the point of this letter, I am now a happy relaxed cat thanks to Louise who adopted me. Somehow when she came to Battersea Cat and Dog Home, she looked a sort of OK human - not something you can say about all of them. With a huge effort of self control, I refrained from biting her. And she took me home - forever.

It was rather a strain for me and I spent a few days under the bed. When I emerged I began to settle in and occasionally - just to please them - I will even sit on their lap. Do I bite and claw? Of course, I do, when I think they deserve it. But Louise is a sensible human who has learned to obey me. She occasionally has issues about how much space I leave for her in my bed (why doesn't she use one of the other 4 beds?) but otherwise has become a really good pet. And I am now training her mother in law, who doesn't like cats. I am working on her and she is coming round.
Regards, Louis

Dear Louis,
I remember the article in the Daily Telegraph and I recall thinking that Celia had perhaps been rather unfair on you. After all why shouldn't a cat in rescue be rather grumpy? It's no fun being banged up in a prison cell. Besides some of us cats just don't like humans very much and, alas, we have good reason for it. They abandon us in rescue centres and the worst ones just turn us out to starve on the streets.
I am glad that Louise has shaped up to become a good pet for you, Louis. Obviously, you were always going to be the sort of owner who demands a lot from their human, which probably meant that you spent more time than you ought in rescue. A word to all cats out there currently up for adoption, PRETEND to be nice. Deception pays off with these simple minded humans.
However, there are good humans like Louise who will take home difficult (in their eyes) cats. We need them.
Love George
PS. One of your fans says: "He looks a bit like a grumpy general with his white moustache and long whiskers and he leans on one elbow when he lies down or stretches out his front legs and crosses his paws over in front of him in what we call posh paws."

Friday, April 09, 2010

Love, celibacy, sex ... and the single cat.


Dear George,
Your comment on the Asian characters prompted me to search out the old comments you had posted, and then, what I could not read myself, I scrabbled out with my poor declawed paws from my human’s collection of dictionaries. She fancies herself a “linguist.” Apparently
humans believe that they can extract some sort of coherent message from their vocalizations, and so waste their time writing it down. I am pretty sure that these literary projects are rewritten by thoughtful cats, as they do eventually make some sense. Since you are unsure of my translations, I provide them to you. These are taken from the blog post of May 2, 2009, and are as follows:
1. Star Beach—Reliable site! Until now, people have been reluctant to play online, but HERE you can get to the ideal HETEROSEXUAL site…
2. Registration is required to meet many girls from all over! Free Free Free dating community!! Participate..;
3. Strongest available horse betting information! Real odds, real grades…
4. If you’re like me, you’re the type who likes the volatile nursery-tale older-brother character….[this one made me a bit ill, George, so I stopped there).
Following my efforts, I required a good rest in the window, to examine the juicy little spring birds, as you can see in the attached photo. The dictionary made as handy a prop as any. I hope this helps…
Regards
Puss-Puss

Dear Puss-Puss,
I have been naive. I have been foolish. I have taken humans on trust - always, always a mistake. When the comments first appeared in these exotic oriental scripts, I was excited. At last, I thought, my blog has become truly international. Cats as far away as Japan and China and other places are reading it. I wonder what useful advice they have been giving for the training and husbandry of their humans. How wrong I was.
I should have known from my studies of human ethology, that humans (or apes as Wicky Wuhdler calls them) are a species absolutely obsessed with sex, a species so unutterably perverse that they have no special season for it, and have invented unnatural ways to have sex without kittens. Truly, an inferior species, without proper feelings and without sexual boundaries.
Do we indulge in "dating communities" or "heterosexual online sites"? We do not. Those of us - and there are not that many in the pet community - who begin to feel a seasonal interest in sexual activity simply go out on to the rooftops and make the yodelling and singing noises that humans term caterwauling. We greet each other, meet each other, and under the light of the moon we make love in the natural way. The kittens are born a few weeks later.
I, like many cats who own humans, am celibate, a state that was inflicted upon me by my humans but one with which I am very happy. As a superior spiritual feline, I feel no need at all to take part in midnight sexual activites. If I did, I would let myself out of the catflap and respond to nature, rather than go online and seek out so called sites. As it is, I do not have sex. Nor do I bet. At all. And I am very upset to find that my blog has been hijacked by these unscrupulous low life humans.
Thank you for your hard work with the dictionary and I hope your declawed paws were not too sore. (For a site about the cruelty of declawing read http://kattaddorra.blogspot.com/ Not your current human's fault, I know). I am immensely impressed by your linguistic skill and scholarship, Puss-Puss.
I cannot seem to find a way to wipe these off, but at least no more revolting insights into human sexuality will defile the feline scholarship and good sense of this blog.
With gratitute,
George
I have added the photo of you resting after emailing me as well as you with the dictionary.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Easter and those bunnies....


Dear George,

You must be pretty busy this week with your secretary away to college. I think you are too kind to her! I know she’s in your employment for a long time but….I can assure you there are lots of bunnies and kittens out there willing to work for you. I’m not saying that Celia is not doing a good job! Probably she does; but…..think of all those kittens - how purrfectly fit for a secretarial job J

George, I can’t get over the fact that she left you alone before Easter!

Hope she’s in London buying Easter catnip eggs & bunnies for you. I know I’ll get lots of gifts this Easter! Tutu, my bunny friend is not that enthusiastic. Guess….being a bunny is not easy around Easter time. But no one will hurt her!

George, I have a question! I heard my humans saying that we’ll play “eggs hunting”. What is “eggs hunting”? Do cats really “hunt” eggs? Is it similar to “hide and seek”? My friend, I’ll give you a “high five” (see photo) if you’ll answer my question in time.

Wishing all cats, bunnies and their humans a safe and Happy Easter!

High five

Frederico


Dear Frederico

We cats should probably make it a condition of employment that our humans stay at home throughout the year - no absences "on holiday" or "on vacation"; no weekends away from home; working hours 24 hours a day. But we don't. One of the responsibility of human ownership is to make sure our humans have time for themselves. Not too much time for themselves but some time. That is why I allow Celia (for the time being) four weeks away each year for education. She is doing on the job learning - applied animal behaviour. This will be of use to her in her job looking after me.

But it is very inconvenient, all the same. I put up with it but I do not like it.

Easter eggs do not interest me, at least not the ones made of chocolate. The real eggs, oblong with a hard casing, and with delicious yellow and transparent glutinous liquid inside are far better. My predecessor, Fat Ada, had the skill to bite through the egg packets, and then bite through the egg itself freeing the delicious liquid inside. She had learned this during a spell on the London streets, where she also learned how to stand up and pull down a dustbin (of the old metal kind). I have had a crack at egg opening but I have never managed to do it. I have to wait until one gets spilled on the kitchen floor.

Rabbits seem to be more visible at Easter but I know it is not a good time for them. So many humans just buy one and bring it home and then keep them in a small tiny hutch. If you are interested in rabbits look at http://www.rabbitwelfare.co.uk They have a Make Mine Chocolate scheme. Of course - I hope Harvey doesn't read this - I prefer the real thing.

Love George

Friday, March 26, 2010

Why must humans have kittens of their own?

Dear George,

I do not understand why humans want to have kittens of their own when they have us!

What’s wrong with them? Isn’t serving and loving us sufficient? My humans decided to have a kitten without even asking me! One day I came home and there was this little cry that scared the hack out of me!

Now, I must admit that he is a cute kitten! So cute that he could pass as one of mine. The human kitten is 1 ½ year old now and thinks I’m his mother or something. He tries to kiss me or sleep on me (as you can see in the picture) or feed me. He scares me big time as he screams (with joy) each time he sees me.

I have mixed feelings! I can re-home myself across the street with an elderly couple. I live (on and off) with them for almost 1 year now. My female human is really upset. They want me back home but …..if I come back …I want their full attention.

George, what should I do? Move back home and embrace this kitten as one of mine?

Maybe you or other cats can share some tricks on how to deal with human kittens?

Stunned

Trixy


Dear Trixy,
Most good human owners wish they could neuter and spay their humans. In any cat-human relationship it becomes clear that humans are slave to their sexual urges. They do it all the time. Only a sensible programme of one-off birth control - snip and spay as I call it - will do the trick. Alas, though they can do it to us, we can't do it to them. Our only possibility is to purrsuade them to go ahead and choose neutering or its human equivalent (a choice which they don't allow us).
It is mystery to me why humans should opt for human kittens in the first place. Children are no substitute for cats. They are born bald, completely helpless, without whiskers (these only grow on maturity or old age), and they cannot walk for months and months. Compared with proper kittens, they are (to speak frankly and without being politically correct) retarded. There is simply no comparison but I am afraid we just have to put up with their funny and unintelligent ways...
Should you move back home with the human kitten? No, but visit at meal times. There is no reason why you should not have two homes. Lots of humans do this. Treat the elderly couple as your home for sleeping, quiet contemplation and normal meals. Pop back to your original home for a second round of meals and a little interaction with the human kitten. Two timing humans is fun for cats.
Speaking of neutering, I have been told (not sure how accurate it is) that some of the Japanese and Chinese comments being put on this blog are sexual. As a cat that has had the snip (unlike my irresponsible owners now luckily too old for reproduction) I am concerned about this. So for the time being - until I can find a Japanese or Chinese cat to translate comments for me - comments that I cannot understand will have to be rejected. Many apologies for any Japanese or Chinese mewing cats out there, whose comments cannot be shown.
Love George
PS. Ways to get away from human kittens include pet gates on the stairs (you can go up: they can't)
http://www.pet-gates-direct.com and crates which are nice places to sit as they can't get in. http://www.petamenities.com


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Why do my humans think they know best? They don't.



Dear George,
There is a rumour going around that rabbits like to get up early. I don't know how it started - probably by my distant country relatives who have to find their own food. They can dash about in the early hours as much as they like but I like my snooze time. I like a very slow awakening.
I ignore my family when they come downstairs and start their human chatter. "Good morning Harve." No, it's not good. It's early. "Where are you, Harve?" Where do you think I am at 7.30am? In bed! "Are you hiding, Harve?" No, I've left home. Go away.

And another thing, they're starting to persuade me to go outside for a run. I was picked up this morning and carried around the garden. "Look, Harve, a snowdrop!" So what? If a snowdrop wants to sit around in the cold garden, let it. "Look Harve, a birdie!" A birdie? Are they the things that have been eating my raisins all winter? Naturally, as soon as I was put down, I ran f
or home.
George, I am not a rabbit. I am a bun, a house bun. Which word don't they understand? How should I convince them I am simply a furry person with his own preferences in life?
Harvey the House Bunny, http://harvey-diaryofaninspirationalbunny.blogspot.com/

Dear Harvey,
I am not sure about house rabbits but I know that wild rabbits like to get up early - dawn, preferably. It is one of the many reasons why I wake up my humans at 6 to 6.30am. They are sluggish pets that would prefer to doze longer, particularly on a Sunday. But I like to get up, have my breakfast served to me, sit on my copy of The Times (while they are reading it) for a quick chat with them, and then out through the cat flap for early morning hunting.
Of course, waking times apart, you raise a valid point. Why do humans think we are all the same. We cats, house rabbits and even those poor deluded dogs, are all individuals. Some of us like to rise bright and early, while others like a very good lllllooooonnnggg zzzzzzzzzzzz. There's something odd about the human inability to realise that one cat is not necessarily like another cat, or one house bunny like another house bunny. As you say, we have our own individual preferences.
Mind you, I think this hardly applies to humans. As a lower form of life, the apes, as Wicky Wuudler calls them, they need a sensible routine. We cats and you house rabbits cannot just let them go their own way. We should aim to install proper waking times (to suit our needs), sensible eating (with our share from the table), and times when they leave us alone. It's important not to respond to their attention seeking, as any human trainer knows. Make them earn our attention by good behaviour. I think it is called a Learn to Earn programme in human training circles. It takes time for dumb animals like humans to learn but they will eventually get it.
Love George

PS. If anybody reads Japanese would they tell me if the posts that I have enabled are OK. The script looks beautiful for me and i hope they are all funny cat comments. But I can't be sure. They might all be ads for viagra for all I know - which is my ignorance of a beautiful and cultured language. Very very reluctantly, I have decided I dare not add comments which I do not understand just in case this blog is littered with obscenities (despite being run by a neutered cat). Please forgive me. English is welcome, though.

Monday, March 08, 2010

OSCAR SNUGGLES, KING OF TIDEWATER, August 25, 1994 – March 5, 2010








Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater, has died after a long and happy life.
Readers of this blog will recall his interesting and thoughtful comments on the human-cat relationship. His full obituary, where messages of sympathy can be left, is on his family's blog: http://simpleandsouthern.blogspot.com/

Oscar Snuggles and Emmie Sweat Pea were two little kittens born out in the wild, but a loving, caring family had “adopted” their Mom, Mollie Moo Cat (she was white with gray markings that made her look like a cow). relationship.

Mollie had to check these people out thoroughly before she could trust her babies to them, but finally she decided they were good humans. So in late August 1994, Mollie brought both of her kittens and deposited them (on at a time) on the kitchen floor of this family she had decided to trust.

This was a perfect place; they put Mollie and her kittens in the bottom of the back hall linen closet. It was dark, quiet and safe. All three of these kitties etched their paw prints into this family’s heart. Mollie only survived about a year and she was killed out on the road. However, Sweat Pea and Oscar grew old with this family. Sweet Pea lived to be 12 years old and was lost the end of September, 2006, leaving Oscar Snuggles as the sole survivor of this little family that has been so loved by their humans.

Oscar Snuggles had recently been diagnosed with the beginning stages of kidney disease. The symptoms were there, but was being cared for with an adjusted diet and prescription meds. He had improved slightly. Friday morning he decided to cross the road and didn’t make. His family found him shortly after the ill-fated accident. This was his first attempt to explore outside his normal territory.

To say his family is heartbroken is an understatement. The tears are still flowing. He will be greatly missed. Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater will forever be this family’s little Buddy Cat. There will never be another kitty like him.

His family writes: "Oscar Snuggles was the best cat we have ever had. His nature was so sweet and gentle. Over the years we have had several wonderful cats, but Oscar is still at the top of the list. And always will be".

Friday, March 05, 2010

Vroom, vroom...


Dear George,

Yes! I know! I know! I hear you! I should be in a carrier while traveling! You are absolutely right! But I LOVE to ride a car! I didn’t know until we went to visit my

cousin Tzila. My mom was very much concerned about me being in a car for almost 6 hours and wanted to give me some pills to sleep. She was advised not to!

Instead she placed me in a carrier with toys and catnip and everything else, but once in the car I wanted out of that cage! I cried and cried until she let me out! And…to everybody’s surprise…..we discovered that I love to travel. I wished they had a small steering wheel just for me! I was SO ready for this….either driving or resting as you can see in the photos attached. George, even if you are not entertaining my idea of fun, I want your sincere opinion. Giving the fact that I love cars, I like speed, I love driving….do you think I should contact Ferrari or team-up with Schumaher?

Did you hear about other cats involved in Formula 1?

Love cruising

Thea


Dear Thea,
I am so impressed. In fact, I am dead envious. Most of us cats are absolutely terrified in the car and we just huddle in our cat boxes. I particularly like the way you have hung a cross to give you some protection. I am sure God takes special care of cats in cars, just like he notes the fall of a sparrow. I hope to see you on Top Gear, the UK motoring programme soon. I think you are a Ferrari girl at heart - that Italian style!
I am going to be a bit of a spoil sport, however, and tell you what happened to Fat Ada my predecessor - all the fault of my other caretaker, Ronnie. She was free in the car as he drove down a small Somerset lane. Unfortunately a particularly dizzy female driver coming in the opposite direction, scraped Ronnie's car. He lost his temper and leaped out of the car to give her a piece of his mind.
Ada leaped out too and disappeared into the hedge. Ronnie couldn't see her at all. But every five minutes or so he heard her give a plaintive and very frightened miaow. He tried burrowing into the hedge to look for her, knowing that Celia would never forgive him if he lost her altogether. No results except that bramble thorns tore at his bald patch. Then he tried calling her - even less of a result. Ada never came when called. She was almost semi-feral and took no notice of him and only a tiny bit of notice of Celia.
Finally down the road came an old couple with a Jack Russell terrier on a lead. "I'm looking for a cat" explained Ronnie. "Us'll sniff urn out," he said pointing the terrier in the direction of the hedge. And so it did. Ronnie burrowed back into the direction the terrier's nose had pointed, grabbed Ada who was (luckily) frozen immobile with fear, and put her back in the car.
Celia arrived two hours later and found both of them pick thorns out of their bodies. A narrow escape.
Love George
PS. Wonderful photos.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Why do I like paddling in water at the seaside?


Dear George.
My name is Rupert and I'm a grey tabby. I read with keen interest, Riley’s letter of February 4th, as I am faced with a similar situation.
As you can see, I just LOVE
to swim. I’ve always been fascinated with water, playing in the sink and the bathtub too when my humans do their thing. But when my humans take me to the cottage, which is my favorite place in the whole world, I love to walk on the beach, and play in the lake. But, like Riley’s humans, my humans are also overprotective, and always insist that I wear my harness and leash. If I could only loose that thing so I could really get into this. It’s hard to dive down to catch bugs and critters when I’m tethered to the leash. I’m just trying to catch dinner to be more self-sufficient.
I know I shouldn't complain, as my humans do spoil me to death. And I also know that cats aren't supposed to like water. But I can't help it. My personality is more like a dog than a cat. I DO come whenever my humans call me. I DO run to the door to greet my humans when they come home, and I DO like my tummy scratched. I suppose I shold just be grateful that my humans don't make me wear a lifejacket.
Why do you suppose that I act more like a dog than a cat? Am I weird?
Rupert.

Dear Rupert
I wonder if your pleasure in swimming is inherited from a Turkish Van ancestor? Many of us cats who do not have a pedigree, nevertheless have pedigree blood. I personally am convinced that I have a Siamese ancestor or possibly that I am related to a black panther. I dream that perhaps Bagheera of the Jungle Stories by Kipling was my ancestress. I am a black panther at heart even if my stature is small.
Whatever your enjoyment of swimming, Rupert, do be careful not to let your humans take control. It is very important for all cats to uphold the dignity of our species. There may be moments of affection for your humans that make you feel like a dog. Fight them. It is natural to love your human pets, but important not to forget who is boss. You. Cats Rule. Humans are happier when they know their place - below the Alpha Cat of the household.
I like water too. As a kitten I jumped into the garden pond three ties - once by mistake, once just to see what would happen and a third time just for the hell of it. I am still fascinating by running taps, dirty puddle water, and things below the surface of the pond. SinceCelia fished me out with a net I am less keen on swimming in it. It is just too embarassing and demeaning to have to be rescued by a human.
I know of a cat that suffered from a severe back problem and was cured by swimming. Dinky, a ginger and white kitten was rescued by Cats Protection and bottle fed by his owner, Sam. His back legs went wobbly because of a benighn tumour on his spine. Sam nursed him back to health and helped him gain back muscle by swimming therapy. Now he is well enough to mouse.
Love George

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Keep your humans indoor at night....

Dear George,
Reading Mustapha’s letter I thought that, indeed, keeping humans indoor at night was a pretty good idea. It could be an excellent time to further train them.

Even if I’m fairly young I know lots of tricks & things.

Last Saturday night I kept them indoor planning to start “the play time” training.

What a disaster! Horror! They did not understand that it was all about “MY playing time” not theirs! So, they invited few friends over and….they behaved like “party animals” until next morning! Do they have any brain? Any respect for me or my sister?

Look at me in this picture; at my young age is it normal to collapse on the stairs instead of sleeping in a bed? George, maybe keeping them indoor is not such a good idea after all! Maybe we should let them outside, free… so they can get in trouble!

By the way! Talking about pets; should I switch to a ferret from an inconsiderate human?

What do you think?

Exhausted

Cheetho


Dear Cheetho,

Humans are best kept in at night for their own safety. Single humans will otherwise spend the evening straying, roaming round looking for fights (if they are male), or sex, or their idea of a "good time." Some are drug users and, unlike us, don't stick to harmless recreational drugs like catnip. The younger ones seem willing to sniff anything. The older ones smoke stuff or drink a drug called alcohol. They behave very oddly as a result when they return. Keeping them indoors prevents some of this misbehaviour.

Humans being humans, poor dumb creatures, some of them will attempt to behave in the same way but in their own homes - just as yours did. I believe in punishment - but delayed punishment. I have tried turning up to the table at a suitable time, say 10pm, to get them to throw out their friends and come to bed. It never worked. Nowadays I just go to bed on my own (haven't yet learned how to switch on the electric blanket, alas,) and wait for them. That is the moment for punishment. I leap up and down all over the bed at regular intervals through the night, waking them up. They usually have what I call "sore heads" and they call "hangovers" and this drug reaction gets worst in the morning. Loud purring near their ears or just sitting on their faces is a really good punishment. They hate it.

One solution would be to make humans into indoor-only pets. I gather that the Association of Human Veterinary Practitioners, an association of feline experts, has suggested that the answer to human problems is just to keep them in all day. They claim that there are elderly humans that live this way and are perfectly happy to do so. But I think it is going too far. Humans need to be able to get out and do species specific behaviour, such as choosing the right kind of cat food for us.
I don't think I would switch to ferrets, if I was you. They are slithery sort of creatures and give a mean bite. Humans, though inconsiderate and with poor cognition, are still the best pets if they are proprer socialised at a young age, and given plenty of punishment training.

Love George


Thursday, February 11, 2010

If our humans had fur, what would they look like?


Dear George,
Humans are so odd about issues like fur. And why are humans fattist? Why do they think I am fat? I am Mustapha.... I glory in a symmetric fluffy white bib and I step out with my tail up. There are misunderstandings about my weight because I a big fluffy and solid. Like humans say, I have a heavy frame. I am not fat - just fluffy. My winter coat turns this brownish colour towards spring and the more stupid humans (yes, some are even more stupid than others) think I am a tortoiseshell. Usually only females are tortoiseshell. Here in Australia, we have to keep our humans in at night. It is a way of stopping them straying, roaming round looking for fights or sex. They believe they are keeping us indoors - when we are keeping them inside. What a species!

Love Mustapha


Dear Mustapha,
We cats have to realise that human cognitive powers are very limited. Can they even think? Many of us believe that they are incapable of abstract thought, though they can be trained by rigorous use of stick (claws) and carrot (purrs). They may think you are fat because they do understand that weight is not the same as apparent size.
I have purrsuaded my pet Celia to purchase a weighing scale, so that she can just read out the weight from it. A baby scale via amazon will do very nicely indeed. Vet scales are often those big ones used for dogs - quite unsuitable for cats. Pushkin, her current foster cat, who is meant to be losing weight, has taught her about High Fives.
Poor deluded human, she thinks she has taught him to sit and do an upwards high fives. It is the other way round. He has taught her to offer cat biscuits for this behaviour. This naturally extracts more food from her, though she doesn't realise it. Not bright. Not bright at all. His plan is to put on weight despite the obesity diet. He may well succeed. His vet records showed he put on an extra kilogram over two months on the diet (before Celia had him).
Looking at your photo, it makes me realise how attractive humans would be if only they were not bald. They wouldn't have pink fur, fur sure. Pink is just wrong. Celia could be a black and white, with white paws and face. Ronnie would look rather sleeker than he does, if he was black all over like me. Jacqui, the friend of your human pet, would make a very nice tortoiseshell. It is an amusing game, as we doze in the warm down under sun, to think what our naked humans pet would be like - fluffy versus sleek; black, black and white, tortoiseshell, pure white, or black feet; pedigree versus non pedigree...
Think about it and give your thoughts on this topic to me.
Love George

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Snow for cats but no harnesses


Dear George,
It’s me Riley! And I LOVE snow! Everybody in my house thinks I’m nuts.
I don’t really see why I must be nuts if I love being outside in the snow.
My only problem is that my humans tend to worry too much about me and won’t let me outside on my own. I mean….each time I want to go outside …one of them has to put that stupid leash on me. WHY? I’M NOT A DOG! I don’t need to be walked! I don’t need or want to inspect my territory with a human bodyguard beside me!
Imagine summer time; they have a boat! What if I like water? Would they be scuba diving with me? Phew!
George, how can I tell them (or even better train them) to let me outside by myself?
How can I tell them to just leave me alone? They are always in my face!
Should I suggest them to get a little dog so they can keep busy?
Speechless
Riley

Dear Riley,
A dog would be a mistake. Nasty smelly snuffling creatures with the ridiculous habit of
obeying humans. As I said last week, no self respecting cat can truly trust a dog. Dogs sometimes even chase, catch and kill cats. Even a really loving family dog will get in the way of proper human training. It may keep them busy but we want humans with plenty of time to lavish on us. Don't even think about it.
Frankly the same goes for the idea of getting another cat. In theory it is nice to have company but most of us only like company if it is a related brother or sister. We can learn to share the house with and more or less get on with others, and just occasionally we become fond of them. But most of the time when we live with others, we are just acquaintances. Some of us hate all other cats. We are not willing to put up with what we don't like and on the whole
cats don't share.
I am in favour of the outdoor life. Try to make your needs known by the following - wistful staring out of windows accompanied by heart-rending mewing; sliding out of the door into freedom every time the human opens it; jumping out of any open windows. In hot weather windows get opened. Most humans are too stupid to remember to install cat-proof netting like www.cataire.co.uk
Leashes are for dumb dogs not for bright cats. You can probably lose that harness if you wriggle a bit. Most cats can (and do) wriggle out of one when they are truly frightened - just do it when you want to explore. I knew of a cat that escaped her harness on the Italian docks at Brindisi and was never seen again.
Snow is quite fun if you don't mind getting wet and cold. Wriggle free and whizz off into the nearest drift, Riley. That'll larn 'em.
Love George

Friday, January 29, 2010

Can we cats trust dogs?




Dear George,

I know Dumas wrote a sequel to “The Three Musketeers” something called “After 20 years” or “20 years later” – I’m not quite sure, but…as I got tired of waiting for D’Artagnan, I decided to go ahead and live my life to the fullest.

Thanks to KattyCat and her mom….a lot of pieces from Dumas’ puzzle (novel) fell into place and now I feel free to do whatever I want.

But ….Cardinal Richelieu (my human) didn’t like my idea to live free and sent in a spy! Her name is Daisy and as you can see from these photos I caught her spying on me.

I made her surrender to the bravest musketeer of all (that’s me) and then we made a pact (whispered in her ears). My only dilemma George is ….can I trust a boxer?

How can I make sure that Daisy is not a double agent?

What do you think?

Porthos


Dear Porthos,

Dogs have a reputation among humans for being loyal and true and trustworthy. Humans call them their best friends. I think this sums up pretty well where dogs fit into the family. They are not the equals of humans, they are below them, so they are always going to be subservient to our servants. They are the servants or our servants. Work that out. Cats are alpha. Humans are beta. Dogs are delta. More or less.

So can you trust Daisy? Boxers are somewhat kitten or puppy like in the way they play and play. They don't really become adults - at least most don't. So as long as your human, Cardinal Richelieu, wants Daisy to be nice to you, Daisy will be. However, I don't think you can trust her too far. I think she will let the Cardinal know what is happening - either because she identfies with humans or because she is not very bright. Dogs are just intellectually nowhere near cats. So I would assume she is a double agent.

You can have fun with her. You can bully her. I like the way you are climbing all over her. You can steal her food and generally boss her about, but she is not a cat. Keep that in mind and you will be OK. Dogs obey humans. Yes, remember that.

I'm pleased to know that you feel free to do whatever you want. We cats do. That is our raison d'etre. We do our own thing. Always. No obedience classes for cats, I am pleased to say.

George.

PS. My human has a cold and flu and is not being very good with her duties.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

When you gotta go, 'tis best to ensure as much comfort as possible



Dear George,


As noted in your columns there are many ways by which our big friends can make life comfortable for us, of which one of the most civilised is that of a sound toilette, by which I mean the place where we can go for a contemplative dig, not a damp paw over our chops.
I feel that I have been fortunate in this department, for my helper provides a really large tray which is always kept filled with good clumping litter, which he, attentive and caring soul that he is, always cleans and tops up as soon as he notices anything, er, amiss, with the contents. Such as personal additions.
Not that I make a full-time habit of using it, for we live just inside a Dark, Dark Forest, which generally provides me with ample facilities for doing what must be done. Even so, in the current weather, hey, while that great big tray is so very inviting, a girlie puss feels sometimes the need to stretch her claws and feel the cool wind streaming through her whiskers, so once a day I think it only reasonable to brave the snow – which, if I stood still, is taller than me – and take a run outside. See photographs of me in the white stuff.
With my colouring I do stand out a bit, I know, so it was easy for my friend to tail me to a Private Place beneath a dense hedge on the end of his land (mine extends much further, of course) where there is some good-quality dry scratching to be exploited. Even so I did only a gentle squat, not wishing to befoul the landscape, something which I note that our brown furry vegetarian relations have been doing. Those little black currents and a rather bright orange tint to the snow. Still, at least they go outside rather than use their probably cramped quarters in the earth banks.
Duty done, with due regard to avoiding a chilly behind and with a degree of caution due to my normally good camouflage not being effective in this white stuff. Then there is nothing quite as satisfying as a leaping bound back home showing a clean pair of heels. Apart from a warm prawn. And a hot radiator. And a cushion. Quite a few things, come to think about it.
Love to all, and may many birdies survive to the Spring. A shame that we cannot have some inside to stay with us.

Purdey

Dear Purdey,
Your human has obviously been trained in proper cat care. Many of us cats prefer to go outside but there may not be proper facilities. Having to leap over the wall or through the hedge, into another cat's home territory, can be frightening for the more timid cat, and exhausting for the elderly who have a touch of arthritis. No wonder some of us show our dislike of this by insisting on an indoor facility like the back of the sofa, if no litter tray is provided.
I, myself, go outside most of the time, except when it is very rainy, the ground is frozen solid, or there is snow. Frankly, Purdey, I am more fussy than you. I just don't like snow at all. I admire your British spirit in travelling through it on the way to the area with good quality dry scratching
and seclusion (please note this, all humans reading).
Really thoughtful humans - and they are few and far between - provide an outdoor latrine as well as an indoor litter tray. The location should be under a hedge or shed, a dry area between buildings, or even under a busy shrub (no prickly ones, please). A generous helping of builders' sand, peat, or composted bark mulch will do very well indeed. I prefer the soil prepared for seeds, myself, but I will settle for the latter.
There are instructions on my human's website, www.celiahaddon.com for an outdoor feline latrine. However, when it is made this way, it does require proper maintenance - picking up poo every two or three days, and daily hosing down to prevent the urine building up. If your human does not do this, just stop using it when it gets too stinky. Training your human into a proper routine for this is essential.
Poor apes (thank you, Whicky Wuudler for the phrase) can also get it wrong by building the latrine in the wrong place. If your garden has been taken over by the local despot cat three houses down, or if the latrine is close to a noisy factory or road, or if it is just in a piece of scary territory, don't use it. Why should you? Go and do it behind the sofa.
You have to punish them if they refuse to learn.
Love George

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Waiting for D’Artagnan!



Mon cher George,

My name is Porthos! Of course …I’m one of the musketeers!

Cardinal Richelieu (my human) managed to get all of us together for a nice pre-Christmas dinner at his chalet. We all rushed “inside” to honor his invitation.

Athos, Aramis, Milady (actually there are two of them in the house), myself; we all are here ready to eat the famous (mouse) foie gras!

The only one missing from this reunion is D’Artagnan; he’s somewhere outside!

Guess (even after so many years)……he’s still fooling around! I thought he got “fixed” as we all had, but obvious our Cardinal missed this one!

Anyway, while waiting for D’Artagnan…a thought came to my mind.

We always have been four! The four musketeers!

Then …why Alexandre Dumas wrote about “The Three Musketeers”?

Couldn’t he count up to four? George, mon ami, what do you think?

A bientot,

Porthos


Dear Porthos,

I am not often lost for a response. But I am ashamed to say that I am now. I have not read the Three Musketeers. My secretary, who as an Eng Lit graduate ought to know, confesses that she hasn't either. She's seen some films about them and tells me they were dashing gentleman, swashbuckling with swords and a lot of expensive lace, long curls (probably from a wig) and generally very attractive. She seems to remember that one of them was fat but, if your delightful photo is anything to go by, not Porthos.

So why did Dumas write about four musketeers and then title the book The Three Musketeers. Perhaps he could not count? It's a possibility but most animals (even humans) can "count" up to four or five. So this seems unlikely. Besides, whatever his maths abilities, he had the right idea about cats. It was Dumas who said: "The cat, an aristocrat, merits our esteem, while the dog is only a scurvey type who got his position by low flatteries."

When he lived with his mother, their cat, Mysouff, used to escort him the first part of his journey to work and then meet him on the way back. And somehow Mysouff would sense the evenings when Dumas was going to be late and would not go out to meet him. Dumas considered this was a form of extra sensory perception. Later he got another cat, called Mysouff the Second, who was a stray that Dumas' cook took in. Dumas also had three tame monkeys. One day the monkeys raided the aviary where Dumas kept rare birds, let in Moussoff the Second who then ate all the birds.

I think it is a pity Dumas didn't write about four cats. He could have called it The Four Mouseketeers. Celia says she would have read it as she is much more interested in cats than men in lace roaming around looking for fights. Cats are as dashing, as beautiful, and as dangerous (at least to mice) as musketeers.

Miaouwwww

Love George

PS. My social secretary is off to college so comments arriving after Sunday noon may be a bit late on getting on to the blog, depending on whether she can access it from the very strange college computers. But they will be put on. She is making small but persistent noises about statistics. Humans do spend a lot of time thinking about useless subjects. Empty headed apes, as Whicky Wuudler would so rightly say.

PPS. Don't know where to find mouse foie gras but there is a company sells freeze dried mouse treats at http://www.petextras.com/pofdmo21gr.html




Saturday, January 09, 2010

I'm fat, I'm FIV positive... who will give me a forever home?


Dear George,
Can you help me find a forever home? I am now in the care of Celia, as her temporary foster cat but I badly need a forever home with a very special person because I have special needs.
For one thing I am FIV positive. I came from the home of a cat hoarder and picked up the virus there, where there were so many cats that there were often fights. I nearly lost my life when I was rescued, because the rescue organisation had a policy of euthanasing FIV cats.
Luckily I was passed on to Cats Protection (www.westoxoncats.org.uk) who home FIV cats as indoor only cats. I found a loving home but with an elderly human who could no longer cope with the way I dig so deep into the litter that the bits have a trajectory of three feet! (Well, cats like me enjoy a good deep dig).
Somewhere along the way I got fat. Not just fat, actually. Obese is the term used by the vet. I am so fat I can't reach my backside or the lower half of my tummy to groom. There was a deeply shaming moment on Christmas day when Jess, Celia's nephew held me, while she clipped away the soiled area of my bottom and cut out a lot of knots. Such an indignity, really upsetting experience, but I feel better for it.
Love Pusskin
PS I am helping Celia type this. At my size I can block the computer screen really effectively!

Dear Pusskin,
Thank goodness there are rescue organisations like Cats Protection that give FIV cats a second chance. Humans don't put down humans that are HIV positive, so why should they put down FIV cats just because they have the virus. FIV cats can't spread it to humans and many have good quality of life for a long time. They deserve some happiness too.
I can see that you are visibly on the portly side. I take the view that we cats can be fat if we choose, but (how can I put it delicately?) it looks as if you are too well found, too much
embonpoint, and just too much of you all together. Not being able to groom yourself is a deeply upsetting condition. No cat should be expected to live like that. We need to groom. It is part of who we are.
Has Celia done her duty and put you on an obesity diet? Is she being firm and not becoming a fatty enabler like some owners? And is she refusing your requests for more?
My recommendation to you, Pusskin, is to take more exercise. Don't just sit on that cat gymnasium device. Start jumping up and down on it. Hunt for bits of food all over the house - Celia will try to help with this - don't just eat out of a bowl. Chase flies. Chase bits of string. Make her play games with you as much as possible. Keep running up and down the stairs. Get fit not fat. Oh yes, and when you go to her to ask for more food, let yourself be diverted with a game not a cat biscuit.
Finally, there are people out there who will take on a cat with special needs. Be patient. Somebody will want you for your innate charm, your gentleness with humans. They will look with the eyes of love and not see that fat outer cat. instead they will see past the outside into the essential beautiful inner cat.
Love George
PS. A very helpful comment by Puss Puss below. Thank you, Puss Puss

Saturday, January 02, 2010

More on Christmas gifts and should humans dye their hair to match our fur.


Dear George,
Talking about fashion, Christmas gifts and human behavior!
I think I got my humans well trained, especially my mom. She is very “fashionable” and wants the same for me.
See, I got a blanket to match my eyes’ color and a little “snowman” mouse to play with. I have to mention that the mouse’s hat is blue too!
I know that actually she’s so much in love with me that she had her hair done to match my eyes too (I’ve seen some blue highlights on it) Now, how cool is this?
George, do you think I should ask my male human to have his hair colored blue as a token of love for me?
In wonder
Tom

Dear Tom,
Here in the UK the Royal Society for the Protection of Animals has taken a firm line when humans dye their pets to match their clothes or their furniture. They don't think it is ethical to do this, as they fear it makes animals into fashion objects. So I consulted the feline equivalent organisation, the Imperial Society for the Protection of Humans, (note that it is a bit up the social scale from the mere Royal of the human organisation), and their view was that it would be unethical to require your male human to change its hair colour.
Of course, we do keep humans as pets for our amusement, as well as love. Their funny little ways can be really entrancing at times and I, for one, much enjoy playing with them. They seem to appreciate the attention so much. It is sometimes quite pathetic to see their disappointed faces, when I show my disapproval by withdrawing attention. But how far should we cats go in adapting humans to our requirements?
After very careful consideration, my opinion is that you should fully enjoy the compliment of your female human. She is really showing her devotion by changing her hair colour to match your eyes. However, it would be going to far to make this a requirement by the male human. If he chooses, of his own accord, to make such a touching gesture, then naturally you will respond with purrs and rubs of the highest quality.
But, if he falls short of female devotion, and does not change his hair colour, then this must be accepted with a good grace. Forcing him to do so would be wrong. There is a move among the feline intelligentsia to admit that humans do have some rights. Of course, as a species lower down the evolutionary scale of things, their rights do not supercede ours. But we should allow them a few minor freedoms and I think hair colour probably falls into this category.
Happy New Year.
Love George.

PS. I have just heard of the death of Angel. For her obituary read: http://everycat.blogspot.com

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org