Friday, April 09, 2010

Love, celibacy, sex ... and the single cat.


Dear George,
Your comment on the Asian characters prompted me to search out the old comments you had posted, and then, what I could not read myself, I scrabbled out with my poor declawed paws from my human’s collection of dictionaries. She fancies herself a “linguist.” Apparently
humans believe that they can extract some sort of coherent message from their vocalizations, and so waste their time writing it down. I am pretty sure that these literary projects are rewritten by thoughtful cats, as they do eventually make some sense. Since you are unsure of my translations, I provide them to you. These are taken from the blog post of May 2, 2009, and are as follows:
1. Star Beach—Reliable site! Until now, people have been reluctant to play online, but HERE you can get to the ideal HETEROSEXUAL site…
2. Registration is required to meet many girls from all over! Free Free Free dating community!! Participate..;
3. Strongest available horse betting information! Real odds, real grades…
4. If you’re like me, you’re the type who likes the volatile nursery-tale older-brother character….[this one made me a bit ill, George, so I stopped there).
Following my efforts, I required a good rest in the window, to examine the juicy little spring birds, as you can see in the attached photo. The dictionary made as handy a prop as any. I hope this helps…
Regards
Puss-Puss

Dear Puss-Puss,
I have been naive. I have been foolish. I have taken humans on trust - always, always a mistake. When the comments first appeared in these exotic oriental scripts, I was excited. At last, I thought, my blog has become truly international. Cats as far away as Japan and China and other places are reading it. I wonder what useful advice they have been giving for the training and husbandry of their humans. How wrong I was.
I should have known from my studies of human ethology, that humans (or apes as Wicky Wuhdler calls them) are a species absolutely obsessed with sex, a species so unutterably perverse that they have no special season for it, and have invented unnatural ways to have sex without kittens. Truly, an inferior species, without proper feelings and without sexual boundaries.
Do we indulge in "dating communities" or "heterosexual online sites"? We do not. Those of us - and there are not that many in the pet community - who begin to feel a seasonal interest in sexual activity simply go out on to the rooftops and make the yodelling and singing noises that humans term caterwauling. We greet each other, meet each other, and under the light of the moon we make love in the natural way. The kittens are born a few weeks later.
I, like many cats who own humans, am celibate, a state that was inflicted upon me by my humans but one with which I am very happy. As a superior spiritual feline, I feel no need at all to take part in midnight sexual activites. If I did, I would let myself out of the catflap and respond to nature, rather than go online and seek out so called sites. As it is, I do not have sex. Nor do I bet. At all. And I am very upset to find that my blog has been hijacked by these unscrupulous low life humans.
Thank you for your hard work with the dictionary and I hope your declawed paws were not too sore. (For a site about the cruelty of declawing read http://kattaddorra.blogspot.com/ Not your current human's fault, I know). I am immensely impressed by your linguistic skill and scholarship, Puss-Puss.
I cannot seem to find a way to wipe these off, but at least no more revolting insights into human sexuality will defile the feline scholarship and good sense of this blog.
With gratitute,
George
I have added the photo of you resting after emailing me as well as you with the dictionary.

9 comments:

  1. I think humans can be trusted, well until they snatch up their little kitties and rush them off to the vet to be "fixed". We have always had our cats fixed, they make better pets and tend to stay closer to home.

    We visited a wonderful horse farm while we were in Florida. They raise and train thoroughbreds for racing. Loved it and they had lots of cats around all the barns. However, I was puzzled as to why they only bury the heart and head of the horse when they die. According to the yearling trainer, the head and heart is what makes the horse a winner, Gus said, "if it's not in their head and heart they are not going to win." I was going to ask what they did with the remainder of the horse, but got distracted and forgot to ask. Maybe I really didn't need to know.

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  2. George, most of us are 'single, no sex" cats!
    It's crazy how much attention sex is getting lately! Humans even invented a disease called "sex addiction" as an excuse for their out of control urges!
    Someone ....give them something more meaningful to do!
    Sebastian

    PS. Hey, Puss-Puss...I see you're improving your Russian now! What are you up to?

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  3. George, we all should thank Puss-Puss for her translations! An ugly thought came to my mind; you know they still eat cats in China (recently it was an article in one of the tourist magazines my humans were reading) - is it possible that they don't necessary look for sex but try to "lure" us into their sites....so they can eat us?
    And....they call themselves ....humans? :-(
    Love
    Minnie

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  4. Sir WinstonApril 11, 2010

    Puss-Puss.....you look so lovely (both working or relaxing)!
    My hat off to your linguistic abilities.
    Sir Winston

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  5. Puss-Puss, don't be fooled by your human that she's some linguistic expert! You are right - she only fancies! You are the expert!
    We, cats, understand any language on Earth.
    Let any human speak to us in any language and we understand exactly what they want.
    And...when it comes to books? We not only read them....but eat them, sleep on them, shred them.
    Keep up the good work!
    Love
    Fluffy

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  6. George, do you have any idea where Whicky Wuudler is? Did his apes take him on a vacation?
    Hope he's ok!
    Hugs
    Cayenne

    PS. Regarding...love, sex, celibacy....doing some meditation on daily basis....I'm sure will help! Puss-Puss, thanks for your hard work.

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  7. Tee, believe me - you don't want to know what they do with the remainder of the horse!
    Actually it is send to Canada or Europe to be used in "cold cuts/salami" industry. It was banned in US but not in Canada and other countries. Sorry for the news!
    Diego

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  8. I hear some cats answering the call of nature!
    But...even the sound ....scares me!
    I feel safe inside the house....watching the fish in the aquarium :-)
    Shumba

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  9. Puss-Puss, it is so kind of you to endure the paw pain of rifling through the dictionary for us. Of course George is absolutely right. Apes just cannot stop humping (anything that moves) A wise ape once said that everything apes do is all about sex and death, if they aren't seeking the first they are trying to avoid the latter.

    It's this obsession with sex that has left the planet in such a dire state. There are just too many homosapiens.

    Puss-Puss you are very beautiful

    Whicky Wuudler

    PS> Cayenne, thank you I am ok - the ape has been lax visiting and commenting. I have remedied this by flexing my claws on her thighs.

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Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org