A hat for the royal wedding!

Dear George,
Watch! Stillness! Watch more! Get a little bit closer! ACTION!!! No, no way with my female human clapping her hands and shouting “fly bird, fly! WHAT? Is this for real?
I can’t believe her! Is she insane? Am I clapping my paws shouting “fly turkey, fly” when she cooks that big bird? No! I’m waiting in silence until it is nicely roasted and then claim my portion! George, why are humans so insensitive? I was so focused, “intensively” watching a little bird (as you can see in my photo) not even with the intention of killing it. All I wanted was a few feathers to ornate my hat for the Royal Wedding! I am CAT Victoria after all, right? Now, the bird is gone and so is my royal attire! I have to miss the wedding and watch it on TV! Phew!
George, any ideas how I can train my humans to not interfere with my activities? I even heard her saying something about a little bell around my neck? What? Does she think I’m a rattlesnake? I want revenge! She should be punished, don’t you think so?
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT,
I took little interest in the Royal Wedding, except to lie on my back for a bit so that Celia could stroke me while watching. The idea of bagging a pheasant (plenty outside) in order to snatch one of its tail feathers hadn't occurred to me. Nice idea. Nice try. As always, our best intentions are frustrated by our humans.
Sneakiness is essential, in order to have a satisfactory life with this rather dumb pet. Like you said, sit quietly waiting for the turkey to roast before claiming a portion. I do a special upward imploring look at my human, in order to get titbits. I almost look like a dog - soulful, deferential, pleading. In fact I am silently muttering "You silly human. Give. Give. Give. Idiot."
However sometimes guile, deviousness and dishonesty get what we want.
Bells round the neck I hate. For one thing collars on cats always are somewhat dangerous. My favourite charity Cats Protection every now and again will pick up a stray cat that has got its paw caught in its collar. My human says she has never come across a really safe collar. And (though I hate them) flea spot-ons from a vet are far more effective than old fashioned collars that have potentially dangerous chemicals.
Should you punish your human? I use punishment, as I use deviousness, guile, sneakiness and downright cheating, to get what I want. Scratching? Yes. Biting? Yes. But only in circumstances where it will work.
See if you can't just outwit her with your grace and charm.
Love George

Delay in posting

Due to human incompetance, and a power surge disabling half the electrics in my house, my secretary has been unable to post my blog for this week today (Saturday). She assures me she will do so tomorrow (sunday).

A war between breeders - a stud cat's tale.

Dear George,

My life story is based on lies, sex and money! I was caught in a war between the breeders. My name is Yogan and I am a pure breed. You might wonder what I’m doing here among rescued cats, but, in way, I’m a rescue too. I was born in a breeder’s house being destined, of course, to a life of sex and lies; I mean I was supposed “to produce” many, many kittens who would be sold for big money. Quite before I was supposed to “meet” my first “wife” I was sold to another breeder. I don’t know what exactly went wrong between the two, but I heard something about lies, money and papers. And, that’s how the war between them started. In between the court appearances, the one who bought me decided to neuter me so, if she can’t breed me ….no one ever would! I got “fixed” in “revenge” and not as a responsible, sensible solution to cat overpopulation!

In a way I’m happy I got the snip since I wouldn’t like to know my kittens being abandoned on the streets by some irresponsible humans. But I was (still am) appalled by the breeder’s motivation! That’s just another example of human greediness and irresponsibility. Soon I was up for sale again! But this time I was “rescued” by my “mommy” Jackie. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for more; she is well behaved, well trained in attending to my wellbeing and absolutely lovely. She lives for me! She loves me immensely! I’m writing to you George because I want you to make my story known – may be we all can learn something from it. What do you think?

Still appalled

Yogan

Dear Yogan,

You have had such a lucky escape. Most stud cats are kept in a cat chalet and never come out. If the breeder is ethical, they may have a spayed female cat for company. If the breeder really loves cats, then they will usually only be kept at stud for a year or two before being neutered and homed as a pet. But, in bad hands, the loneliness of the long-captived stud cat is awful. They cannot be kept in the house because they are so smelly. Some of them develop behaviour disorders like pacing walking up and down their small cages like suffering zoo animals.

The plight of the un-neutered tom on the street or in the countryside is different. He does have all the pleasures of freedom and the fun of mating. But with that goes a high chance of disease. Un-neutered toms do more fighting than neutered cats and fatal diseases such as FIV are spread by bites. They also roam far more and are more likely to be run over, lose their homes (if they had one) and end up battered and starving on the street. Many of the male stray cats that we at West Oxon Cats Protection pick up are in this condition. (If you go to the website, you will find Arthur there who needs a home). If their original owners had only had them neutered they would be safe and well at home.

Add to this that there are too many homeless cats, and you will see how important it is for cats to be neutered and spayed if they are going to lead the domestic life. Every single human that breeds kittens is adding to the overpopulation. Frankly, I think it is horrible. And I also think that irresponsibly breeding any animals from a very limited gene pool (mating within relatives for instance) results in some hideous disorders. Don't believe me? look at hereditary disorders in pedigree cats at www.fabcats.org.

You have now escaped the immense boredom of the stud cat's life and come home to live with your pet human. Congratulations. Please try to purrsuade all humans to adopt unwanted cats from animal shelters rather than from breeders. If they want a pedigree cat, they can adopt a rescue from the rescue arm of the relevant pedigree cat club. Or settle for a lovely moggie.

Love George

PS. I only wish we could have a neutering and spaying campaign to stop human overpopulation. This intellectually limited species is difficult to influence.

Shocking news about giving animals electric shocks

Dear George

I'm very worried. Brian Blessed, the famous actor, foghorn and national treasure, who I had down as being a real champion for animals, seems to have gone bonkers.
He's touring the UK asking people to sign a petition asking the government NOT to ban Invisible Electric Fences. These horrible fences give an animal wearing a "special" collar, a painful and frightening electric shock on their neck if they go too near a boundary where the electric underground "fence" is laid.
I can see such a device being useful in training our thick skinned, rather slow apes not to go too far from home and be late feeding us, but for the sake of COD no such nasty method would ever work on cats. No ape has ever put a collar on me and this makes me ruddy sure they never will.
George, how can we get our friend Brian Blessed well again and back to being our friend?

Yours in shock

Whicky Wuudler
Here is the link.
http://www.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/news/Brian-gives-blessing-pet-collar-campaign/article-3431420-detail/article.html

Dear Whicky,
I am shocked and horrified too. Animal-loving Brian Blessed has been misled. Readers can tell him so on his Facebook page but be nice about it, as he has done a great great deal for animal welfare. He may have been misled by the fact that a cat welfare charity campaigned in the favour of this cruel fencing system. Giving electric shocks to dogs and cats is cruel and unnecessary. These electric shock fences (they called the shock "mild correction") leave cats exposed to even more danger. If a fierce dog comes into the territory, the cat cannot run away. If it is does run, it is shocked as it passes the invisible barrier. For some cats this will bring on complete breakdown.
The charity, Feline-Friends, www.feline-friends.org.uk, has even placed an advertisement in a cat magazine in favour of this cruel fencing. Electric shock fencing is opposed by the RSPCA, Cats Protection, Dogs' Trust, and many other welfare charities. What on earth is this charity doing? There's a huge amount of space on their website devoted to this kind of fencing. Why? They've even got a petition in favour....
You can find out more about this charity by looking at the government's Charity Commission where you will discover it only started up in 2009, is based in Chesterfield, and is a newcomer to the charity scene. The accounts can be downloaded from this site and the trustees are named. There is a link from the charity's website to an organisation Dogfence. This link can only help Dogfence sales. If you believe that campaigning in favour of these fences runs contrary to cat welfare, you can email the Charity Commission to point this out.
Electric shock collars and fencing are widely used in the USA and Dogfence seems to be some kind of UK offshoot of this company. Similar products are still legal in England but I look forward to the day when they are made illegal. They are no substitute for proper fencing.
Whicky, thank you for bringing this to my attention. We cats need to act together.
George
PS. Apologies if a fencing ad appears under Google ads. It's an automatic thingie. I can't stop it. Ignore it. Do not click on it.
PPS. From a paper reviewing the use of shock collars in dogs:
"With the use of increasingly complex equipment there comes an increased potential
for malfunction. Whilst a solid fence guarantees containment and the exclusion of
people, a boundary system using a shock collar may fail to function due to damage to
the boundary wire, worn out batteries, improper fitting of the collar, problems with
the receiver collar or transmitter or extraneous radio signals (Polsky, 1994). Some
bark activated electronic collars have been affected by ambient noise, resulting in
eventual habituation (Wells 2001)....
There have also been reports of physical lesions on the neck caused by high intensities
of shock (Seksel, 1999), especially in wet weather, although these have been
contended by proponents of the collars. However, when used in boundary systems the
close fitting collars are frequently worn for long periods, leading to the possibility of
skin irritation or contact necrosis (Polsky, 1994)"

Difficulty educating humans

Dear George,

It has been a while since I last sent you a letter but I was busy trying to educate my human pets with, I must admit, not much success! Considering your expertise in human intelligence I need few tips to handle my daddy’s questions. Not that I cannot answer his questions, but he drives me to the edge of darkness! How many times do you think a human can ask exactly same questions? Any guess? Of course not! But, I can tell you that the symbol is that horizontal 8 (yes – Infinite). So, George, here are the questions – may be you’ll be able to answer in such a manner that he’ll understand.

The first is: “why are cats knitting?” followed by his “rationale” – I bet no one knows!

Of course we know; cats are highly intelligent, well educated and well versed in almost any topic!

The second is: “why does she (he means ….me) squeeze my hand while purring”?

Asking such question is absolutely insulting, don’t you think so?

But what drives me insane is that all this time my “mum” is giggling giving the impression that she’s somehow superior and knows! Bet she has no idea! Human arrogance! The other night he asked again, so, I looked him in the eyes and asked him: “why do cats purr, daddy”? He didn’t know! He still stares in nothingness! Can you believe it? George, do you think there is any hope with my humans? They are agreeable pets after all.

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

I won't dignify human idiocy by giving them the answers in this blog. Education should involve the student finding out knowledge, not just being given it in spoon fed form. (Trust humans to need spoons: we have the natural spoon of the tongue.). So put your thinking caps on, you human readers, and see what you can do with these interestingly enigmatic questions.

How can you handle your human's questioning? How can you remain calm when these questions are repeated over and over again, due to the limited nature of the human intellect. The answer, Fluffy, is compassion for lower forms of life. Humans are evolutionary dead-ends, lower down the tree of life than us. Their function is doubtful (destruction of our world perhaps?), the cause of their behaviour even more doubtful (we cats haven't managed to put them into a neuroscience lab yet), their life development (ontogeny) mysterious as they seem to remain for ever childish, and how they evolved this way (phylogeny) downright weird. They are down there with the bower bird and the peacock.

Makes you wonder if the Higher Feline Power, which we cats call Cat, designed them as a sort of joke. That's the other way to handle their insistent questioning: laugh. Humans think we don't laugh but we do. Ours is an inward and rather superior chuckle.

So, if you remain compassionate, let yourself laugh silently, you will manage to keep your temper. Alternatively, sit on his head or bite his ankles. There's nothing wrong with a bit of claw and order discipline in the feline classroom.

You have beautiful eyes. Beautiful.

Looooove

George

P.S. This question was answered rather late as my secretary was busy digging a large litter tray for me (which she called a seed bed) in the garden. Must get out there and use it, otherwise she will be hurt.

A lionheart or a lynx? Yet why did they give me the snip?

Dear George,

I’m a confused (by human’s behavior) young kitten in need of guidance. My name is Richard (not my choice) and I’m about 6 months old. But, let me tell you how I start getting more and more confused. First of all, I didn’t expect to be named Richard. Richard who? Gere? Chamberlain? May be Richard The Lionheart? Yes! I decided that Richard the Lionheart would be quite appropriate since I’m fighting for my territory, especially the master bed. I’m taking good care of all my servants (quite a few in this household) – they all are well trained or so I thought until now! Not to mention my army of toys – all displayed in strategic spots all over my territory! However, the human kitten called me a wild animal. What did he mean by this? He said that I must be a Lynx! I didn’t respond to his provocation since I didn’t know what a Lynx is! Hope it’s not something derogatory! George, what do you think it is? Do you know what a lynx is? But, let me tell you more! Lately I start having different “feelings” and “urges” and I was meowing more then usual. Instead of showing gratitude for my vocalization, my humans took me to a horrible smelling place and all they said was “snip-snip”. Now, I’m okay but I don’t feel like meowing any more, I feel confused . Why do you think they did this to me? Did they want to make me be more like a human? I mean …..a male human? I’ve observed that most male humans are very quiet! George, I’m looking forward for your input and guidance

Confused, but brave

Richard

Dear Richard,
It's good to be called a lynx. Very good. They are large wild cats, well relatively large. They are superb hunters with wonderful tufts of hair on top of their ears. Beautiful animals which need conservation help.Take a look at this photo here. You do look rather like a lynx - your markings are similar.
You should feel proud.
I am sure that they called you Richard because of Richard the Lionheart, a famous English King who was brave and (probably) gay. He conquered a lot of territory but stayed too long absent from his own, England, where his younger brother John, known as Bad King John, had too much influence. So much for human history - a story of failure and blood lust.
Lions, however, are a great deal more sensible and clever than most humans. They are the only truly social big cat, hunting in family groups to pull down big prey. So there is definitely a compliment in being called Lionheart. To humans it means courageous and kingly.
Richard, let me be frank. With your beauty and brains, it is possible that your humans have given you the snip because they are just jealous. I mean, who would look twice at them if they saw you? This neutering and spaying us is an aspect of human behaviour us cats find difficult to forgive.
If you give it any thought at all, it is obvious that humans (rather than us) should be neutered and spayed. Their sex lives are completely out of control. There are so many of them in the world, that the big cat species like lynxs and lions are dying out. Humans spread concrete everywhere. Humans use up huge resources. Humans hunt cats, big and small. Humans pillage the whole world. They slaughter their own species, for goodness sake. If only we could take them to the vet and get them fixed, the world would be a happier place.
I mean, what would you prefer? More lynxes or more humans.
Sadly
George

Revenge on your human

Dear George,
How many cats do you know who enjoy sharing same bathtub or same litter box? I bet none or extremely few (if any)!
Then, tell me George, why humans enjoy bathing in other people’s pools or bathtubs or seas? That’s a weird thing to do and my humans seem to enjoy it! They went to Mexico (no less) to do just this. Hellooooo? Mexico? They can’t even speak the language! They are completely unable to say correctly “Hola” What if they are in an emergency? How are they going to say “ayuda por favor”
Phew! I should be worried for them but I’m too furious; I’m fuming with anger! I AM MAD! They locked me up in the house for a week just to go and abuse the Mexican beaches and pools and whatever! I mean…..they left me home with Auntie C, but she is too afraid to let me outside. Plus, she constantly talks, making those silly calls: kitty-kitty, kitty-kitty and then some hilarious sounds. She’s telling me stories all day! Hey; I don’t want to hear dumb stories about good cats! I want to go outside and inspect my territory! Ugh! I wish Zorro scare them away with that big “Z” on their door and send them back home! Ah, George, they have no idea yet how dearly they are going to pay for this indiscretion! I’ll request to be fed (by hand) with my favourite food at the most unusual hours! First shrimps, then canned food, then cooked food! I’ll be asking for almost 24 hours door service. The minute they are asleep…I’ll make sure I’ll wake them up! And these are just few ideas. George, please feel free to suggest more. Por favor! I welcome any idea from our feline blogosphere. Meanwhile, I pretend…. I’m sunbathing (sic)…as you can see in the photo.
Diego

Dear Diego,
Human beings are just dumb animals - can't speak feline body language like we do, and generally don't think like we do. The behaviour of your humans is typical of this very limited species. Good cats indeed! What on earth does this Auntie C. think she is doing! What she really means is stupid cats who do what their humans want. (There are a few of these but fortunately not too many). No wonder you are sick to death of her meaningless vocalisations.
The human obsession with water is really rather pathetic. Due to the floppiness and ineffectiveness of their tongues, they can't wash properly. They can't even reach the bits that need washing. We can lean round and wash every area of our body. Their bodies are so stiff and unmoving that they can't do this. Thus the water. They use water in their human litter tray (usually a kind of white bowl that flushes), they throw their whole bodies into a bath of water, or stand under water as it falls from the ceiling of a shower. Odd. Well, not just odd. Properly weird.
Yes, make them suffer, Diego. The best time to wake them up is the first night of their arrival. They will be tired after their journey. You can torture them with affection, so they don't even realise your true motives. Jump on the bed. Purr down their ears. Rub against their faces. Miaow. Give their cheeks little pats. Back up against their faces so that if their eyes open, the first thing they will see is a winking backside. They will think you have missed them and are being loving. You know you have missed them and you are furious.
Here are some more ideas - pee on their open suitcase before they have unpacked: scratch the mirror (makes a teeth-grating noise): jump on kitchen surfaces and the table where they are eating: trip them up: dig so furiously in the litter tray and litter flies out everywhere: leap into their arms or on to their shoulders from a distance: sit in all the doorways: scratch the furniture in front of their very eyes: poke your nose right into their coffee cups..... and all this before you have scratched them directly or bitten them.
Or you can be very dignified indeed and simply refuse to take any notice of them. Sit looking out of the window wistfully with your back towards them. Refuse to stay in the same room with them. Refuse to share the bed. This shunning treatment can really upset a sensitive human.
It's all good feline stuff.
George

To shred or not to shred - for those who enjoy frills!

Dear George,

Why are humans so dysfunctional? Why are they in a sort of quasi-confusion state most of the time? The other day I was trying “to play” a game with my male human and obvious he didn’t understand the rules. I was quite bored so when he came home early I was very happy! I started playing “let me in” and “let me out” and it worked fine up to a point! And THAT POINT was when he didn’t open the door for me to let me in because he couldn’t remember if I was inside or outside! It was getting dark and cold and I was shivering outside in the snow. That’s when the female human came home and start calling my name. Of course I didn’t bother to answer! I was furious and I felt hurt!

They both started a frantic search! I hid under a neighbour porch ENJOYING every minutes of their despair. Soon they were joined by their son. I know he (the young male) loves me very, very much so I kind of jumped into his arms. They were overwhelmed by joy and happiness! I almost cried with joy myself but, hey! they deserved to be punished, right? So, once inside, I overcame my emotions and shredded a curtain to pieces!

They looked at me in disbelief. “Why?” – that’s what they asked. As I’m writing this letter they are still looking for answers and “remedies” (ha!ha!ha!) to avoid such things in the future! My question to you George is; should I shred more curtains or should I shred some furniture?

CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,

First a few words about training your doorman. Naturally you want him to stand at the door like a hotel commissionaire to let you in and out, at the times of your choice. What are humans for? I have a perfectly good cat flap but I still train Celia to let me in and out, as required, because I prefer it that way. I also like sitting at the open door, surveying my outdoor territory while keeping my backside warm from the expensive heat which issues from the house.

Just crank up the door training, Cat. The memory loss sounds rather alarming. Is it just that your human, like all humans, has limited cognitive function? Or do you think there is something wrong with him? Forgetting that you were out in the snow is really, really bad. He is lucky to have got away with merely an altered curtain.

Redecorating the house with frills is always a pleasant option for us cats. In an ideal world we have frilled wallpaper at cat height, frilled furniture, frilled bedsteads, and frilly curtains. Lovely. Warms a cat's heart to see the artistic effort that has gone into the scratching. I particularly enjoy walking past and ignoring the costly scratchpost. Then I look at her, and deliberately stroll towards the back of the armchair nearby for a good scratch.

Like you, territorial problems (being shut out, new neighbouring cat etc) seem to set off the scratching side of my nature. It is as if any insecurity brings out the artist in me, and makes it even more imperative than usual to mark my territory. No wonder, after such a distressing experience in the snow, you wanted to scratch the curtains. Such behaviour is natural for us cats, and, frankly, humans should put up with it.

Instead, they tend to resort to unpleasant devices such as Stickypaws or double sided carpet tape which they place on curtains or soft furnishing. It's very unpleasant and I personally stop scratching when Celia puts it on. About a month later, she decides it looks horrible (as indeed it does), and takes it off believing I won't scratch there again. Then I prove her wrong with a really long scraaaaatch.... Gotcha, you dumb human animal.

It's not all fun and games caring for this inferior species. They can be very irritating at times. So go shred some more curtains.

George

PS. My sympathies to Fredericon on the loss of his companion rabbit. See comments below.

Bunny bullying - the human obsession with cleaning

Dear George,
How do I put a stop to bunny bullying? Every morning my stuff is moved about, cleaned and tidied, replaced with dozing mats that don't smell of me and washed to within an inch of its life.The same happens to my two litter trays. As if this is not enough I am man-woman handled and whipped upside down while my err.... bottom is inspected. If it doesn't come up to their standards it is doused with my wet bunny flannel then bits of my precious fur is snipped off with a pair of dangerous looking scissors.What's a bit of poop between friends? I am then cuddled and horror of horrors, she sings to me!
I am getting old, George. I will be nine soon and I should be left alone to dream of piles of carrots and green fields. I have used every trick in my book to deter them from this manic, daily routine but they ignore me. Any ideas?
Harvey

Dear Harvey,
The human obsession with cleaning is irritating for all of us. We cats like a clean litter tray (no lumps or clumps) but one which has a nice familiar latrine smell. When humans scoop out the clumps, that is fine and we like that doing twice a day. But when they start cleaning up with smelling things or even putting in disgusting deodorant products, we vote with our feet. We go elsewhere. Just leaving a little heap outside the litter tray does the trick. Try it.
At least your human has the wit to give you two trays. Some human pets try to get away with one litter tray for two or three cats. It's horrible. Some don't clean up twice daily either and the clumps build up so that our paws get into it when we dig. I always try to tell my human that I like a clean tray by waiting till they have cleaned it then ostentatiously popping in to use it while they can see me. They seem to find this irritating and some don't get the message at all. Dumb animals, of course.
The bottom cleaning sounds really awful, Harvey. What does she think she is doing? A wet flannel, indeed! Luckily most humans leave feline bottoms well alone, since we have the claws to make them suffer if they interfere with private bits of our anatomy. The only time Celia put a hand on a feline bottom was when she was fostering Pushkin at his fattest. He just couldn't reach. So she snipped away at his fur, while he was forcibly held by her nephew. As soon as he lost a few ounces, he attended to his own bottom and made it clear to her that she had no further business with that area. She's stupid like all humans, but she got the message after he gave her a sharp nip.
I suppose rabbits can't bite but you could try giving her a good kicking. My local rabbits have had some kind of fight (mating season?) and there are tufts of fur all over the garden.
Have a go at her, Harvey. Let her know who's boss.
George.
PS. What's this singing? I don't approve of human caterwauls. They don't get their miaows in tune.

Can dogs rule too? Max wins an HCA.

Dear George,

I’m a big dog! And I mean BIG! You might wonder what I’m doing here …on a cat blog.

To tell you the truth…I wonder myself, but the only explanation is that I must be a cat at heart! No kidding! May be they mixed things up at the pond? Of course I came from a shelter! But…..let’s see what would make me a cat:

I like teasing my humans. I feel such great joy chewing on their mobile phones or any slipper or clothing I can grab.

I enjoy stealing their food - I adore watching my “daddy” sipping from his favorite “single malt” while waiting for the grill to be just right and when it comes to put that big, juicy steak on it……the steak is gone (in my stomach)! You should see his face! I love him dearly but that big, juicy steak is such a temptation. So yummy! I feel sorry he has to eat the frozen meat.

I love to be pampered – I’m first to go to bed and the last to get up.

I can get away with murder like cats do; if I upset “my daddy” then I’m “mommy’s boy”. If I’m bad to mommy….then I’m daddy’s boy (that’s what cats do, right?)

I enjoy humans’ company not other dog’s – if we go for a walk I don’t like to be bothered by other dogs but I don’t mind nice humans to give me that extra rub

between my ears.

I think I’m the king of the house and I deserve the best. I’m convinced that the house is mine, the bed is mine, and the food is mine. All mine, mine, mine and me, me, me! Am I a cat or not?

The list can go on but, tell me George, what do you think?

Max

Dear Max,

I am giving you the Honorary Cat Award, for your excellent control of the household. There is no greater award than the HCA which is very rarely given to a dog.

But be careful..... I am all for dogs ruling the household, as long as there are no cats there. If there are, well cats obviously take the alpha role, dogs the beta role and somewhere near omega at the bottom are those dumb animals called humans (or apes if you are Whicky Wuudler). I assume you have no superior feline control, Max.

The difficulty for dogs is that humans train them. Or think they do. And occasionally, if you are a big dog and you get too cheeky, humans will take you to a specialist trainer. In the US and sometimes elsewhere this means a person who uses a cruel choke collar (sometimes to strangle and always to hurt) and trains by punishments. Trainers who train with yummy food are the only ones a dog should go to.

So, Max, don't ever bite your humans. You must be tempted to. We often are. We cats sometimes bite or scratch and we get away with it. Even humans realise our total superiority over their species. They accept our training methods (which however harsh do not include strangling).

I am open to the idea that feline training methods should include food treats. Chocolate would be the obvious treat to offer a human, but I have never managed to get hold of any. Even when there is a box available my humans pounce on it and guard it ceaselessly. They get really nasty if I try to extract even one choc. So I have to fall back on rubs and purrs to reward them. If you have a human under good control, it is possible to rule without punishment most of the time. As I am sure you know, Max.

Love

George

Are you a Purr Tart? Keep your human wanting that purr.

Dear George,
I wonder if you could give me a bit of advice about my brother. In my opinion, a self respecting cat should purr only after the human has put in a fair bit of effort, and even then, a purr is never guaranteed. I am concerned that my brother, Frank, may have a purr disorder. Not only does he purr as soon as he is touched, he often purrs as soon as a human makes a silly kissy noise at him, or even just looks at him. The purring often continues for quite a few minutes after the human has stopped attending to him. I've tried to have a word with him about it, but he ignores me. Is it normal for some cats to be trigger-purr-happy, or could there be something wrong? Is he just a 'Purr Tart' because he's contented?
Thanks,
Bob
PS. I am the one with the white bib and purring Frank is the one with lots of hair below.

Dear Bob
I agree with you. Indiscriminate purring to humans is not good for discipline. Your brother Frank needs some more lessons in training theory. If a reward (purring) is given too easily, it loses its value. He is devaluing the training currency and letting down the side by being a Purr Tart.
As we all know training is done by reward - purrs and rubs - and by either active ignoring (withdrawing all attention) or punishment (claws and teeth). Human dog trainers have gone all soppy and nowadays (apart from out of date TV stars) train without punishment. We cats believe that punishment is a vital tool in our training strategy. Some of us enjoy showing off our power over humans (just like out of date TV stars with dogs!).
Is there something wrong with Frank? Yes, indeed there is. He is too easily pleased - a big mistake in a cat.
Talk to him seriously. Spoiling your human is not good for either cat or human. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen is my motto. Frank needs to sign up to a claw and order programme. Now....
Love George.
PS. He may be a Purr Tart but he has a wonderful nose - pink with a dark lining.

At last - the British Prime Minister gets expert help.

Dear George,

We would like to congratulate your PM for selecting a cat for the top job. We, CATS, proved again to be intelligent, reliable and superior in every aspect to any other species! Downing Street No. 10 has brought in Larry the cat to clean up the (mice) mess in the British Prime Minister’s official residence.

What is even more thrilling is that Larry is a rescued stray who, lately, was living at Battersea Dogs and Cats Home. He was recruited based on his abilities, capabilities and street-smarts skills. He is the TOP CAT! He will be looked after by the whole stuff at Downing Street. He will run of most of the offices and official rooms as well as the garden. He also is in charge with training Prime Minister’s young children!

They absolutely will make great hunters! Like master like kids J

He proved to be fully qualified to cope with the demands of daily life at Number 10!

He made headlines in North America! Congratulations Larry!

Fluffy & Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,

Yes, at last we have an intelligent species at the top of human government. We may be able to get through the human recession, now that political life is in a safe pair of paws. I have had a word with Larry, and he tells me that he is very slowly going to take over the reins from the PM. His plan is to infiltrate himself into the heart of power.

The cabinet, those humans appointed by David Cameron, may take rather longer to subdue. However, he tells me that he will start by simply attending cabinet meetings. To lure them into acceptance of his presence, he will pretend to be asleep (goodness knows, human politicians are boring enough). Later, he will make his presence felt - his innate charisma will probably do the rest. At the moment he is taking a very careful look right round his territory and teaching the policeman at the door of Number Ten Downing Street to let him in or out, as required. Until the basics are in place, he cannot start his true work.

The press have been intrusive. Provoked by this, Larry has naturally responded with claws to a particularly ridiculous TV reporter. Quite right too. The press need to be kept in their place. He says he strolled into a press conference at Number Ten and the Downing St staff took him away, because his mere presence detracted from the human goings on. He is conscious, as we all are, that cats will always steal the camera's attention!

There has been a lot of idiotic comment in the human blogosphere about his ability, or otherwise, to catch rats. Some particularly stupid woman wrote to the Daily Telegraph to say that cats didn't catch rats. If I had lived near her, I would have taken her one as a present - like the one I brought into Celia's kitchen. It ran up the corner of the kitchen wall right to the beams, then fell back into the Wellington boot she was holding below (a rare occasion of human skill).

I'm sure all us cats will want to wish him the best. At cat purporting to be Larry can be found on twitter. His website cannot be far behind. All us cats hope that his arrival at Downing Street will encourage people to adopt from a rescue shelter (read Wicky Wuudler in the comments below).

Love George.

PS. For more details of Larry go to Battersea Dogs and Cats Home. They provided the close up photo.

What do I look for in a human to adopt? Should I get a pedigree?

Dear George,
I am between homes at the moment. I have a home where they feed me but they have added a dog and I am not happy about that. I have been patrolling the streets looking for better accomodation. Obviously, I have to make sure there are no resident dogs and, in my case, I don't want another resident cat either. I am a singleton by nature. Those two requirements I can manage. But how should I choose the human? Do I just go for the first one that feeds me? Should I think of adopting a pedigree?
Love Whiskerette.

Dear Whiskerette,
When choosing a human, go for function not form. Humans come in all shapes and sizes but it is a mistake to choose them for looks. What you need is a human that functions well - one that is generous with the cat food, has time for you when you want it, and in the UK good central heating is an absolute must. I suggest you make a home check visit before adopting one.
I don't recommend a pedigree. In theory cats and pedigree humans have hunting in common. Posh humans often have the view that "It's a nice day, let's go out and slaughter some wildlife." Not unlike us. But unfortunately some of them shoot cats or employ gamekeepers who do. Also you've got to think of the inherited disorders among pedigree humans, due to inbreeding (see Debretts studbook). Some people believe that the shooting stick was invented because so many toffs have hip dysplasia.
I think you will be better off with a humbler mongrel (or moggy) human. They have kinder hearts. May I put in a word for elderly humans. They look rather manky but they have the advantage of not going out to work any more. They will be at home, when you want them. They will keep their heating on (at least in one room) all day during bad weather. They sleep a lot - which means you have a living bed warmer more often available.
Most of them have a routine not unlike ours - eat, nap, eat, nap on sofa or bed, eat, nap in front of TV, eat, nap with more TV, and then a long nightime nap. Most of them don't over indulge in human-catnip, ie alcohol, so they don't get rowdy, silly and noisy. Many of them no longer have children or partners at home, so they can concentrate on indulging and enjoying your company.
True, some oldies don't have much money but, in my experience, many of them will buy good quality cat food and if necessary go without treats for themselves. Of course they may not be able to afford vets fees but that is an advantage. We hate vets.
Just be careful about winding round their legs - you don't want them to fall over.
Love George.

To Jon with love from us cats.....

Dear George,

Few days ago we came across a beautiful photo album that was given as a Christmas gift to our friends, Rafael & Yeminai. The album contains photos with cats; lots of cats, past and present! All were rescued! We’ve seen how they looked before and after.

All this wonderful work was done by one single person, Jon. He looks like a big, quiet “teddy bear” who shares his heart, his house and his food with all cats.

He doesn’t expect anybody’s help but it is grateful if someone does, like Rafael & his wife. On the inside cover there is a beautiful “mission” statement which we will like to share with you! It is called “I am an animal rescuer”

“My job is to assist God’s creatures; I was born with a need to fulfill their needs. I take in new “family members” without plan, or selection. I have bought cat food with my last dime. I have patted a mangey head with bare hands; I have hugged someone “vicious” and afraid. I have fallen in love a thousand times, and I have cried into the fur of a lifeless body. I have “animal friends” and friends who have animal friends.

I don’t use the word “pet”. I notice those lost on the side of the road and my heart aches.

I will hand raise a field mouse and make friends with a vulture.

I know of no creature unworthy of my time. We are a quiet, but determined army that is making a difference every day. There is nothing more necessary then warming an orphan, nothing more rewarding than saving a life, no higher recognition is needed than watching them thrive. There is no greater joy then seeing a baby furry play who, only days ago, was too weak to eat. I am an Animal Rescuer….. My work is never done, my home is never quiet, my wallet is always empty, but my heart is always full” – by a fellow cat rescue worker, name unknown.

George, on behalf of all our rescued fellows we want to show our gratitude and say:

THANK YOU JON with love from cats.

Fluffy & Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,

I owe my life to cat rescuers like Jon. I was from a litter of kittens rescued and taken to West Oxfordshire Cats Protection. Without their help I would probably have died. Mother cats, from homes where the humans don't bother to spay them, often leave home to find a quiet place to give birth. Most young kittens born in the wild do and even if they don't, their mother will often die exhausted by the effort of feeding and finding food for her little ones. I don't even know what happened to my mother. I was bottle fed by Lou and then I adopted Celia.

Since then I have trained her to help by taking photographs of cats that are ready to adopt a human. If you click on the website you will see some of them. Of course, humans being dumb self-centered creatures, she has written them up as if they are the adoptees, rather than the adopters. But one has to make allowances for human stupidity.

Humans who rescue cats often get criticised by their peer group. They are told they should only help other humans not cats. I say that helping cats is the highest occupation that a mere human can aspire to. What else would they do? How else can they show the natural deference and appreciation of a lower form of life for the highest feline form of life? It's natural for them to want to help, feed, groom, and generally adore.

Besides since we have domesticated them, they are so much happier. Jon sounds like a really lovely pet. You humans out there would do well to imitate him or at least help people like him by letting yourself be adopted by a shelter cat.

Love George

PS Here is the petition to sign in favour of prosecuting the tourism company that slaughtered 100 sled dogs - http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/prosecute-for-the-senseless-slaughter-of-100-sled-dogs/

What can I do? I don't like being a home alone cat

Dear George,
I think I need your help again. I'm worried (as you can see from my photo) that my human may be trying to leave me. She's doing this "phased return to work" thing and she's nearly at the point where she leaves me alone all day!
Back in the summer (I think the humans call it August) my female human disappeared for a full week and came back stinking of the human vets. She was very weak and couldn't do all her normal human duties, like feeding me and keeping my tray clean and she slept a lot. The male human took some time off work to look after her, but only a few days then the task was left to me.
I settled into the new responsibility incredibly well, even if i do say so myself. I would sit and watch her as much as I could. She spent a lot of time watching TV, on the computer or doing sitting down hobbies so I would try to get her involved in fun running and chasing games to keep her exercised. She seemed to enjoy this but would tire easily, so I'd give her a quick check over (you know, when you stand on them and sniff their whole face, paying lots of attention to the mouth and eyes) to make sure she was OK then we'd have a sleep together. I even checked out all the human vets that came to visit her, making sure none of them had thermometers in their bags and watching them closely, I wasn't going to have them check MY human's temperature! Gradually my care worked and she started to get better.
Then one day she started to get all excited about going back to work, just a few hours a week to start with (and as it was really cold and snowy out she made me a heat pad before she left!) but now it's every day and shows signs that she'll be gone for longer!
George, how can I show her that although I enjoy the new toys and treats she's bringing me, I do not want her going just when she's well enough to pay proper attention to me? It's just not good enough! OK so she always make sure I have tasty treats hidden around the house to keep me entertained as I try to get at them, and on cold days she'll put that heat pad in the big bed for me, but it's just not the same as being able to ignore her in person!
She and the male one make sure the spend at least an hour every day doing fun chase and pounce games with me, but I want one of them here during the day! What can I do to keep myself entertained (remember, I'm an indoor cat), and then REALLY let them know it's just not good enough when they get home?
Always your fan,
Mog.

Dear Mog,
What a typical sneaky human trick - to desert you after you have put so much time and care into helping her recover. Humans are moral morons. No wonder they are lower down the evolutionary tree than us cats. It would be easy if you had a cat flap. You would just wander down the street and find a stay-at-home senior human with good central heating and spend your days with him. These lonely humans are pathetically grateful for any attention and may even provide a superior brand of cat food.
Humans belong in the kitchen and the bedroom, serving us and not gallivanting about outside the home. You need a proper purrsuasion campaign to show them how bored and lonely you are. The first part of your campaign is to greet your humans with apparently pathetic enthusiasm. Yes, I know you are angry with them but dissemble. Be as sneaky as they are. Wind yourself around their legs, on the laps, climb on to their shoulders and flop all over them all the time. Do this while they are on the lavatory, while they are preparing food, while they are doing anything at all. Stick to them like a burr and interfurr with everything they do. If you can manage a sad little kitten mew, that will help too. Remember, this is a challenge to your acting ability.
If that doesn't work, start an "ignore and claw" programme. Ignore the scratching post, and claw the sofa and chairs. Tear up any paper found in the house and distribute it throughout the rooms. Move all small objects off shelves and surfaces. Hunt down and eat any food in the kitchen. If you have the strength to do it, push the cover off the butter container and lick. You want them to get the message that you need supervision.
The next part of the campaign is quite good fun. Hunt them like mice when they have gone to sleep. Jump on their feet, their groins and even their faces. Chew and pull their hair. Nibble their toes. Run up and down their prostrate bodies. Roar round the flat making as much noise as possible at about 3 am. The three fold message is - I miss you very badly indeed, I am bored during the day, I want to play more games with you. Night time is the only time I have with you.
If this doesn't purrsuade them, the potentially-suicide option is to spray. But I have known cats rehomed because of this, so it is a weapon that cannot be used lightly.
Best of luck,
George
PS. Fluffy and Cayenne have contributed this picture with the comment: "Just sit on her coat so she can't leave."
PS.My secretary has posted stuff about how to keep indoor cats busy on her website. It's cheeky of her but some of the suggestions might give you a better lifestyle. Also read some ingenious suggestions in the comments from Whicky Whudler.

Are outdoor cats being outlawed by these human laws?

Dear George,
I’m deeply disturbed by an article published in a local newspaper over the weekend. The article was about a City by-law that’s going into effect soon and I’m afraid it will affect cats’ freedom and well being. According to this new by-law all cats’ owners (how ignorant of law makers to think we have “owners”) will be fined $100 plus some additional fees if a cat is found roaming around or it is brought to a shelter.
What I’m afraid of ….is that this by-law will give too much room for interpretation and abuse. For example….some neighbor who doesn’t like the cat living next door can easily call the animal control people who will take the cat away from its own backyard and fine the “owner”. Many cats will end up in shelters and many people won’t be willing to pay the fine to get them back. It’s a rather sad situation.
Even if it’s true that indoor cats live a safer life, some of us are simply “indoor-outdoor” beings. We like to go out to check our territory and then come back inside to eat or sleep. Now, some will end up on a leash (like a dog with restricted mobility) tied up in the backyard or, in the best scenario, their humans will get a cat enclosure for the backyard.
Are we going to live in a cramped box (see my picture) from now on?
Don’t get me wrong; this by-law will be good and protecting the cats if we would deal with an educated public, but how to educate humans in such a short time?
George, what are your thoughts on this? Any ideas from your or other cats?
In distress
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
Humans are always trying to control us, aren't they? I am horrified by this law - details of which can be found here. Humans who let their cats go outside will be fined $105. This means if a cat ends up in the local cat shelter in Oakville, near Ontario, Canada, its human will be fined if it retrieves it. Humans are not known for responsible behaviour. It will be cheaper for it to get another cat. So the law will penalise the responsible humans and do nothing to stop the irresponsible ones. If anybody knows of a petition against this Canadian bye-law let me know and I will sign it immediately. So will many of the cats I know.
Here in the UK, we cats are treated as wild animals. It is acknowledged that humans cannot control us so there are no leash laws, no requirement for registration, vaccination or microchipping. We cats are free to roam, if our humans give us a cat flap. There are laws, thank goodness to make sure our humans do not mistreat us.
There are disadvantages, however, in the law's recognition that we cats cannot be controlled. If there is a road accident, the car driving human does not have to report it. They do have to report an accident involving a dog. So our grieving human pets cannot ask the police if a cat accident has been reported. And, of course, with no requirement for microchipping or registration, people can keep cats at will without any identification. I mean obviously we can identify ourselves but these poor dumb creatures need help from a microchip.
I cannot approve of a law that forces us to be kept always indoors. I like the outdoor law - the stealthy hunt after mice, the territory to be patrolled and marked, neighbouring cats to be chased or greeted, as I choose. Yes, I know there are dangers but for me life without risk is not worth living. Long live the cat flap.
Love George
PS: Terri has been kind enough to do this nice portrait of me, surrounded by kittens (not mine due to human interference with my love life! Wish they would give themselves the snip). I think her tribute to me deserves a wider audience.
PPS. Nice box. Must get my humans to purrchase one.