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Saturday, January 29, 2011

What can I do? I don't like being a home alone cat

Dear George,
I think I need your help again. I'm worried (as you can see from my photo) that my human may be trying to leave me. She's doing this "phased return to work" thing an
d she's nearly at the point where she leaves me alone all day!
Back in the summer (I think the humans call it A
ugust) my female human disappeared for a full week and came back stinking of the human vets. She was very weak and couldn't do all her normal human duties, like feeding me and keeping my tray clean and she slept a lot. The male human took some time off work to look after her, but only a few days then the task was left to me.
I settled into the new responsibility incredibly well, even if i do say so myself. I would sit and watch her as much as I could. She spent a lot of time watching TV, on the com
puter or doing sitting down hobbies so I would try to get her involved in fun running and chasing games to keep her exercised. She seemed to enjoy this but would tire easily, so I'd give her a quick check over (you know, when you stand on them and sniff their whole face, paying lots of attention to the mouth and eyes) to make sure she was OK then we'd have a sleep together. I even checked out all the human vets that came to visit her, making sure none of them had thermometers in their bags and watching them closely, I wasn't going to have them check MY human's temperature! Gradually my care worked and she started to get better.
Then one day she started to get all excited about going back to work, just a few hours a week to start with (and as it was really cold and snowy out she made me a heat pad before she left!) but now it's every day and shows signs that she'll be gone for longer!
George, how can I show her that although I enjoy the new toys and treats she's bringing me, I do not want her going just when she's well enough to pay proper attention to me? It's just not good enough! OK so she always make sure I have tasty treats hidden around the house to keep me entertained as I try to get at them, and on cold days she'll put that heat pad in the big bed for
me, but it's just not the same as being able to ignore her in person!
She and the male one make sure the spend at least an hour every day doing fun chase and pounce games with me, but I want one of them here during the day! What can I do to keep myself entertained (remember, I'm an indoor cat), and then REALLY let them know it's just not good enough when they get home?
Always your fan,

Dear Mog,
What a typical sneaky human trick - to desert you after you have put so much time and care into helping her recover. Humans are moral morons. No wonder they are lower down the evolutionary tree than us cats. It would be easy if you had a cat flap. You would just wander down the street and find a stay-at-home senior human with good central heating and spend your days with h
im. These lonely humans are pathetically grateful for any attention and may even provide a superior brand of cat food.
Humans belong in the kitchen and the bedroom, serving us and not gallivanting about outside the home. You need a proper purrsuasion campaign to show them how bored and lonely you are.
The first part of your campaign is to greet your humans with apparently pathetic enthusiasm. Yes, I know you are angry with them but dissemble. Be as sneaky as they are. Wind yourself around their legs, on the laps, climb on to their shoulders and flop all over them all the time. Do this while they are on the lavatory, while they are preparing food, while they are doing anything at all. Stick to them like a burr and interfurr with everything they do. If you can manage a sad little kitten mew, that will help too. Remember, this is a challenge to your acting ability.
If that doesn't work, start an "ignore and claw" programme. Ignore the scratching post, and claw the sofa and chairs. Tear up any paper found in the house and distribute it throughout the rooms. Move all small objects off shelves and surfaces. Hunt down and eat any food in the kitchen. If you have the strength to do it, push the cover off the butter container and lick. You want them to get the message that you need supervision.
The next part of the campaign is quite good fun. Hunt them like mice when they have gone to sleep. Jump on their feet, their groins an
d even their faces. Chew and pull their hair. Nibble their toes. Run up and down their prostrate bodies. Roar round the flat making as much noise as possible at about 3 am. The three fold message is - I miss you very badly indeed, I am bored during the day, I want to play more games with you. Night time is the only time I have with you.
If this doesn't purrsuade them, the potentially-suicide option is to spray. But I have known cats rehomed because of this, so it is a weapon that cannot be used lightly.
Best of luck,

PS. Fluffy and Cayenne have contributed this picture with the comment: "Just sit on her coat so she can't leave."
PS.My secretary has posted stuff about how to keep indoor cats busy on her website. It's cheeky of her but some of the suggestions might give you a better lifestyle. Also read some ingenious suggestions in the comments from Whicky Whudler.


  1. Poor Mog, virtually abandoned. You can always ensure that your Mum is far too tired to go to work if you sleep right across her face all night long. The reduced oxygen during the night will make her very sleepy all day. Don't forget you have the most powerful weapon to hand (or mouth) the "silent miaow" No ape can ignore this. It's like a switch for the ape pity mechanism. Use it wisely.

    Whicky Wuudler

  2. Some cats enjoy a dvd showing small prey animals larking about in a cat teasing fashion. I say no to this sort of nonsense. You have to keep it real for we cats. I would prefer say, a dozen live ducklings delivered to the house weekly. Or perhaps some live moles or mice to entertain me. According to my apes I am due a stay at "Fat Chance Hotel" regarding these perfectly reasonable requests. Pfft!

    W. Wuudler esq.

  3. You can also pull all the toilet paper off the roll and drag it throughout the house. Or get in the bookcase behind the books and push all the books off the shelf. That should get their attention and know you need them at home.

  4. Dear Mog, try the "baby cry" when she leaves the house. Make sure you make her feel guilty for going out. Make sure the male human is still in the house; he'll try to take her place and comfort you! Pretend that you don't just MISS her! Humans have a linear thinking, so he'll feel guilty by association (in a straight, direct line). Let him pamper you but ignore him. He'll suffer. When she'll be back home ....ignore both of them. That will start some competition between them. Let them fight over you :-)))
    You rejoice :-) in their despair!
    Meantime find something that can amuse you more than their pathetic fight for your attention!

    PS. Don't follow her in the bathroom. Forget about your old habit for a while.
    That will put her on fire

  5. Dear Mog, I started by knocking off vases through the house - that's how bore I was!
    But.....I heard the word "naughty girl" and "living on the streets" and that was enough to make me take up meditation!
    Now.....I meditate all day until my mum comes home! Zzzzzzz!

  6. I sleep on her chest! She can't move an inch!
    If she does.....I pretend I'm snoring in a deep, deep sleep. She never dared to disturb my sleep :-) If she does.....I get a treat!

  7. Did you consider sharing your house and boredom with another cat?

  8. Mog, you look so lovely! Yes, it can be scary and boring to be home alone....but give her some credit. If she was in so much need of a human vet in the should be happy now that she's well enough to go to work!
    After all....she always comes home to you :-)
    Spend all evening and night with her and rest during the day!

  9. Get yourself a rabbit; it's fun to play with!

    PS. What's that "Mystic Mog" thing on the table?

  10. George, we just found out about a terrible, horrible thing; tonight we learned about the horrific killing of 100 dogs in British Columbia, Canada about 2 years ago. It seems that once the Winter Olympic Games were over, the owner of a about 300 dogs that were taking tourists on sledge rides decided to "downsize" and killed 100 dogs in a absolutely inhumane, savage way! One worker who participated in this mass killing is being treated for trauma. PLEASE, if any of you come across any petition asking the government of Canada to enforce proper laws for animal protection, PLEASE sign it.

    PS. Sorry Mog for spoiling your letter with such terrible news.


Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online