Revenge on your human

Dear George,
How many cats do you know who enjoy sharing same bathtub or same litter box? I bet none or extremely few (if any)!
Then, tell me George, why humans enjoy bathing in other people’s pools or bathtubs or seas? That’s a weird thing to do and my humans seem to enjoy it! They went to Mexico (no less) to do just this. Hellooooo? Mexico? They can’t even speak the language! They are completely unable to say correctly “Hola” What if they are in an emergency? How are they going to say “ayuda por favor”
Phew! I should be worried for them but I’m too furious; I’m fuming with anger! I AM MAD! They locked me up in the house for a week just to go and abuse the Mexican beaches and pools and whatever! I mean…..they left me home with Auntie C, but she is too afraid to let me outside. Plus, she constantly talks, making those silly calls: kitty-kitty, kitty-kitty and then some hilarious sounds. She’s telling me stories all day! Hey; I don’t want to hear dumb stories about good cats! I want to go outside and inspect my territory! Ugh! I wish Zorro scare them away with that big “Z” on their door and send them back home! Ah, George, they have no idea yet how dearly they are going to pay for this indiscretion! I’ll request to be fed (by hand) with my favourite food at the most unusual hours! First shrimps, then canned food, then cooked food! I’ll be asking for almost 24 hours door service. The minute they are asleep…I’ll make sure I’ll wake them up! And these are just few ideas. George, please feel free to suggest more. Por favor! I welcome any idea from our feline blogosphere. Meanwhile, I pretend…. I’m sunbathing (sic)…as you can see in the photo.
Diego

Dear Diego,
Human beings are just dumb animals - can't speak feline body language like we do, and generally don't think like we do. The behaviour of your humans is typical of this very limited species. Good cats indeed! What on earth does this Auntie C. think she is doing! What she really means is stupid cats who do what their humans want. (There are a few of these but fortunately not too many). No wonder you are sick to death of her meaningless vocalisations.
The human obsession with water is really rather pathetic. Due to the floppiness and ineffectiveness of their tongues, they can't wash properly. They can't even reach the bits that need washing. We can lean round and wash every area of our body. Their bodies are so stiff and unmoving that they can't do this. Thus the water. They use water in their human litter tray (usually a kind of white bowl that flushes), they throw their whole bodies into a bath of water, or stand under water as it falls from the ceiling of a shower. Odd. Well, not just odd. Properly weird.
Yes, make them suffer, Diego. The best time to wake them up is the first night of their arrival. They will be tired after their journey. You can torture them with affection, so they don't even realise your true motives. Jump on the bed. Purr down their ears. Rub against their faces. Miaow. Give their cheeks little pats. Back up against their faces so that if their eyes open, the first thing they will see is a winking backside. They will think you have missed them and are being loving. You know you have missed them and you are furious.
Here are some more ideas - pee on their open suitcase before they have unpacked: scratch the mirror (makes a teeth-grating noise): jump on kitchen surfaces and the table where they are eating: trip them up: dig so furiously in the litter tray and litter flies out everywhere: leap into their arms or on to their shoulders from a distance: sit in all the doorways: scratch the furniture in front of their very eyes: poke your nose right into their coffee cups..... and all this before you have scratched them directly or bitten them.
Or you can be very dignified indeed and simply refuse to take any notice of them. Sit looking out of the window wistfully with your back towards them. Refuse to stay in the same room with them. Refuse to share the bed. This shunning treatment can really upset a sensitive human.
It's all good feline stuff.
George