Keep your humans indoor at night....

Dear George,
Reading Mustapha’s letter I thought that, indeed, keeping humans indoor at night was a pretty good idea. It could be an excellent time to further train them.
Even if I’m fairly young I know lots of tricks & things.
Last Saturday night I kept them indoor planning to start “the play time” training.
What a disaster! Horror! They did not understand that it was all about “MY playing time” not theirs! So, they invited few friends over and….they behaved like “party animals” until next morning! Do they have any brain? Any respect for me or my sister?
Look at me in this picture; at my young age is it normal to collapse on the stairs instead of sleeping in a bed? George, maybe keeping them indoor is not such a good idea after all! Maybe we should let them outside, free… so they can get in trouble!
By the way! Talking about pets; should I switch to a ferret from an inconsiderate human?
What do you think?
Exhausted
Cheetho

Dear Cheetho,
Humans are best kept in at night for their own safety. Single humans will otherwise spend the evening straying, roaming round looking for fights (if they are male), or sex, or their idea of a "good time." Some are drug users and, unlike us, don't stick to harmless recreational drugs like catnip. The younger ones seem willing to sniff anything. The older ones smoke stuff or drink a drug called alcohol. They behave very oddly as a result when they return. Keeping them indoors prevents some of this misbehaviour.
Humans being humans, poor dumb creatures, some of them will attempt to behave in the same way but in their own homes - just as yours did. I believe in punishment - but delayed punishment. I have tried turning up to the table at a suitable time, say 10pm, to get them to throw out their friends and come to bed. It never worked. Nowadays I just go to bed on my own (haven't yet learned how to switch on the electric blanket, alas,) and wait for them. That is the moment for punishment. I leap up and down all over the bed at regular intervals through the night, waking them up. They usually have what I call "sore heads" and they call "hangovers" and this drug reaction gets worst in the morning. Loud purring near their ears or just sitting on their faces is a really good punishment. They hate it.
One solution would be to make humans into indoor-only pets. I gather that the Association of Human Veterinary Practitioners, an association of feline experts, has suggested that the answer to human problems is just to keep them in all day. They claim that there are elderly humans that live this way and are perfectly happy to do so. But I think it is going too far. Humans need to be able to get out and do species specific behaviour, such as choosing the right kind of cat food for us.
I don't think I would switch to ferrets, if I was you. They are slithery sort of creatures and give a mean bite. Humans, though inconsiderate and with poor cognition, are still the best pets if they are proprer socialised at a young age, and given plenty of punishment training.

Love George

If our humans had fur, what would they look like?

Dear George,
Humans are so odd about issues like fur. And why are humans fattist? Why do they think I am fat? I am Mustapha.... I glory in a symmetric fluffy white bib and I step out with my tail up. There are misunderstandings about my weight because I a big fluffy and solid. Like humans say, I have a heavy frame. I am not fat - just fluffy. My winter coat turns this brownish colour towards spring and the more stupid humans (yes, some are even more stupid than others) think I am a tortoiseshell. Usually only females are tortoiseshell. Here in Australia, we have to keep our humans in at night. It is a way of stopping them straying, roaming round looking for fights or sex. They believe they are keeping us indoors - when we are keeping them inside. What a species!
Love Mustapha

Dear Mustapha,
We cats have to realise that human cognitive powers are very limited. Can they even think? Many of us believe that they are incapable of abstract thought, though they can be trained by rigorous use of stick (claws) and carrot (purrs). They may think you are fat because they do understand that weight is not the same as apparent size.
I have purrsuaded my pet Celia to purchase a weighing scale, so that she can just read out the weight from it. A baby scale via amazon will do very nicely indeed. Vet scales are often those big ones used for dogs - quite unsuitable for cats. Pushkin, her current foster cat, who is meant to be losing weight, has taught her about High Fives.
Poor deluded human, she thinks she has taught him to sit and do an upwards high fives. It is the other way round. He has taught her to offer cat biscuits for this behaviour. This naturally extracts more food from her, though she doesn't realise it. Not bright. Not bright at all. His plan is to put on weight despite the obesity diet. He may well succeed. His vet records showed he put on an extra kilogram over two months on the diet (before Celia had him).
Looking at your photo, it makes me realise how attractive humans would be if only they were not bald. They wouldn't have pink fur, fur sure. Pink is just wrong. Celia could be a black and white, with white paws and face. Ronnie would look rather sleeker than he does, if he was black all over like me. Jacqui, the friend of your human pet, would make a very nice tortoiseshell. It is an amusing game, as we doze in the warm down under sun, to think what our naked humans pet would be like - fluffy versus sleek; black, black and white, tortoiseshell, pure white, or black feet; pedigree versus non pedigree...
Think about it and give your thoughts on this topic to me.
Love George

Snow for cats but no harnesses

Dear George,
It’s me Riley! And I LOVE snow! Everybody in my house thinks I’m nuts.
I don’t really see why I must be nuts if I love being outside in the snow.
My only problem is that my humans tend to worry too much about me and won’t let me outside on my own. I mean….each time I want to go outside …one of them has to put that stupid leash on me. WHY? I’M NOT A DOG! I don’t need to be walked! I don’t need or want to inspect my territory with a human bodyguard beside me!
Imagine summer time; they have a boat! What if I like water? Would they be scuba diving with me? Phew!
George, how can I tell them (or even better train them) to let me outside by myself?
How can I tell them to just leave me alone? They are always in my face!
Should I suggest them to get a little dog so they can keep busy?
Speechless
Riley

Dear Riley,
A dog would be a mistake. Nasty smelly snuffling creatures with the ridiculous habit of obeying humans. As I said last week, no self respecting cat can truly trust a dog. Dogs sometimes even chase, catch and kill cats. Even a really loving family dog will get in the way of proper human training. It may keep them busy but we want humans with plenty of time to lavish on us. Don't even think about it.
Frankly the same goes for the idea of getting another cat. In theory it is nice to have company but most of us only like company if it is a related brother or sister. We can learn to share the house with and more or less get on with others, and just occasionally we become fond of them. But most of the time when we live with others, we are just acquaintances. Some of us hate all other cats. We are not willing to put up with what we don't like and on the whole cats don't share.
I am in favour of the outdoor life. Try to make your needs known by the following - wistful staring out of windows accompanied by heart-rending mewing; sliding out of the door into freedom every time the human opens it; jumping out of any open windows. In hot weather windows get opened. Most humans are too stupid to remember to install cat-proof netting like www.cataire.co.uk
Leashes are for dumb dogs not for bright cats. You can probably lose that harness if you wriggle a bit. Most cats can (and do) wriggle out of one when they are truly frightened - just do it when you want to explore. I knew of a cat that escaped her harness on the Italian docks at Brindisi and was never seen again.
Snow is quite fun if you don't mind getting wet and cold. Wriggle free and whizz off into the nearest drift, Riley. That'll larn 'em.
Love George

Can we cats trust dogs?

Dear George,

I know Dumas wrote a sequel to “The Three Musketeers” something called “After 20 years” or “20 years later” – I’m not quite sure, but…as I got tired of waiting for D’Artagnan, I decided to go ahead and live my life to the fullest.

Thanks to KattyCat and her mom….a lot of pieces from Dumas’ puzzle (novel) fell into place and now I feel free to do whatever I want.

But ….Cardinal Richelieu (my human) didn’t like my idea to live free and sent in a spy! Her name is Daisy and as you can see from these photos I caught her spying on me.

I made her surrender to the bravest musketeer of all (that’s me) and then we made a pact (whispered in her ears). My only dilemma George is ….can I trust a boxer?

How can I make sure that Daisy is not a double agent?

What do you think?

Porthos

Dear Porthos,

Dogs have a reputation among humans for being loyal and true and trustworthy. Humans call them their best friends. I think this sums up pretty well where dogs fit into the family. They are not the equals of humans, they are below them, so they are always going to be subservient to our servants. They are the servants or our servants. Work that out. Cats are alpha. Humans are beta. Dogs are delta. More or less.

So can you trust Daisy? Boxers are somewhat kitten or puppy like in the way they play and play. They don't really become adults - at least most don't. So as long as your human, Cardinal Richelieu, wants Daisy to be nice to you, Daisy will be. However, I don't think you can trust her too far. I think she will let the Cardinal know what is happening - either because she identfies with humans or because she is not very bright. Dogs are just intellectually nowhere near cats. So I would assume she is a double agent.

You can have fun with her. You can bully her. I like the way you are climbing all over her. You can steal her food and generally boss her about, but she is not a cat. Keep that in mind and you will be OK. Dogs obey humans. Yes, remember that.

I'm pleased to know that you feel free to do whatever you want. We cats do. That is our raison d'etre. We do our own thing. Always. No obedience classes for cats, I am pleased to say.

George.

PS. My human has a cold and flu and is not being very good with her duties.

When you gotta go, 'tis best to ensure as much comfort as possible

Dear George,

As noted in your columns there are many ways by which our big friends can make life comfortable for us, of which one of the most civilised is that of a sound toilette, by which I mean the place where we can go for a contemplative dig, not a damp paw over our chops.
I feel that I have been fortunate in this department, for my helper provides a really large tray which is always kept filled with good clumping litter, which he, attentive and caring soul that he is, always cleans and tops up as soon as he notices anything, er, amiss, with the contents. Such as personal additions.
Not that I make a full-time habit of using it, for we live just inside a Dark, Dark Forest, which generally provides me with ample facilities for doing what must be done. Even so, in the current weather, hey, while that great big tray is so very inviting, a girlie puss feels sometimes the need to stretch her claws and feel the cool wind streaming through her whiskers, so once a day I think it only reasonable to brave the snow – which, if I stood still, is taller than me – and take a run outside. See photographs of me in the white stuff.
With my colouring I do stand out a bit, I know, so it was easy for my friend to tail me to a Private Place beneath a dense hedge on the end of his land (mine extends much further, of course) where there is some good-quality dry scratching to be exploited. Even so I did only a gentle squat, not wishing to befoul the landscape, something which I note that our brown furry vegetarian relations have been doing. Those little black currents and a rather bright orange tint to the snow. Still, at least they go outside rather than use their probably cramped quarters in the earth banks.
Duty done, with due regard to avoiding a chilly behind and with a degree of caution due to my normally good camouflage not being effective in this white stuff. Then there is nothing quite as satisfying as a leaping bound back home showing a clean pair of heels. Apart from a warm prawn. And a hot radiator. And a cushion. Quite a few things, come to think about it.
Love to all, and may many birdies survive to the Spring. A shame that we cannot have some inside to stay with us.

Purdey

Dear Purdey,
Your human has obviously been trained in proper cat care. Many of us cats prefer to go outside but there may not be proper facilities. Having to leap over the wall or through the hedge, into another cat's home territory, can be frightening for the more timid cat, and exhausting for the elderly who have a touch of arthritis. No wonder some of us show our dislike of this by insisting on an indoor facility like the back of the sofa, if no litter tray is provided.
I, myself, go outside most of the time, except when it is very rainy, the ground is frozen solid, or there is snow. Frankly, Purdey, I am more fussy than you. I just don't like snow at all. I admire your British spirit in travelling through it on the way to the area with good quality dry scratching and seclusion (please note this, all humans reading).
Really thoughtful humans - and they are few and far between - provide an outdoor latrine as well as an indoor litter tray. The location should be under a hedge or shed, a dry area between buildings, or even under a busy shrub (no prickly ones, please). A generous helping of builders' sand, peat, or composted bark mulch will do very well indeed. I prefer the soil prepared for seeds, myself, but I will settle for the latter.
There are instructions on my human's website, www.celiahaddon.com for an outdoor feline latrine. However, when it is made this way, it does require proper maintenance - picking up poo every two or three days, and daily hosing down to prevent the urine building up. If your human does not do this, just stop using it when it gets too stinky. Training your human into a proper routine for this is essential.
Poor apes (thank you, Whicky Wuudler for the phrase) can also get it wrong by building the latrine in the wrong place. If your garden has been taken over by the local despot cat three houses down, or if the latrine is close to a noisy factory or road, or if it is just in a piece of scary territory, don't use it. Why should you? Go and do it behind the sofa.
You have to punish them if they refuse to learn.
Love George

Waiting for D’Artagnan!

Mon cher George,

My name is Porthos! Of course …I’m one of the musketeers!

Cardinal Richelieu (my human) managed to get all of us together for a nice pre-Christmas dinner at his chalet. We all rushed “inside” to honor his invitation.

Athos, Aramis, Milady (actually there are two of them in the house), myself; we all are here ready to eat the famous (mouse) foie gras!

The only one missing from this reunion is D’Artagnan; he’s somewhere outside!

Guess (even after so many years)……he’s still fooling around! I thought he got “fixed” as we all had, but obvious our Cardinal missed this one!

Anyway, while waiting for D’Artagnan…a thought came to my mind.

We always have been four! The four musketeers!

Then …why Alexandre Dumas wrote about “The Three Musketeers”?

Couldn’t he count up to four? George, mon ami, what do you think?

A bientot,

Porthos

Dear Porthos,

I am not often lost for a response. But I am ashamed to say that I am now. I have not read the Three Musketeers. My secretary, who as an Eng Lit graduate ought to know, confesses that she hasn't either. She's seen some films about them and tells me they were dashing gentleman, swashbuckling with swords and a lot of expensive lace, long curls (probably from a wig) and generally very attractive. She seems to remember that one of them was fat but, if your delightful photo is anything to go by, not Porthos.

So why did Dumas write about four musketeers and then title the book The Three Musketeers. Perhaps he could not count? It's a possibility but most animals (even humans) can "count" up to four or five. So this seems unlikely. Besides, whatever his maths abilities, he had the right idea about cats. It was Dumas who said: "The cat, an aristocrat, merits our esteem, while the dog is only a scurvey type who got his position by low flatteries."

When he lived with his mother, their cat, Mysouff, used to escort him the first part of his journey to work and then meet him on the way back. And somehow Mysouff would sense the evenings when Dumas was going to be late and would not go out to meet him. Dumas considered this was a form of extra sensory perception. Later he got another cat, called Mysouff the Second, who was a stray that Dumas' cook took in. Dumas also had three tame monkeys. One day the monkeys raided the aviary where Dumas kept rare birds, let in Moussoff the Second who then ate all the birds.

I think it is a pity Dumas didn't write about four cats. He could have called it The Four Mouseketeers. Celia says she would have read it as she is much more interested in cats than men in lace roaming around looking for fights. Cats are as dashing, as beautiful, and as dangerous (at least to mice) as musketeers.

Miaouwwww

Love George

PS. My social secretary is off to college so comments arriving after Sunday noon may be a bit late on getting on to the blog, depending on whether she can access it from the very strange college computers. But they will be put on. She is making small but persistent noises about statistics. Humans do spend a lot of time thinking about useless subjects. Empty headed apes, as Whicky Wuudler would so rightly say.

PPS. Don't know where to find mouse foie gras but there is a company sells freeze dried mouse treats at http://www.petextras.com/pofdmo21gr.html

I'm fat, I'm FIV positive... who will give me a forever home?

Dear George,
Can you help me find a forever home? I am now in the care of Celia, as her temporary foster cat but I badly need a forever home with a very special person because I have special needs.
For one thing I am FIV positive. I came from the home of a cat hoarder and picked up the virus there, where there were so many cats that there were often fights. I nearly lost my life when I was rescued, because the rescue organisation had a policy of euthanasing FIV cats.
Luckily I was passed on to Cats Protection (www.westoxoncats.org.uk) who home FIV cats as indoor only cats. I found a loving home but with an elderly human who could no longer cope with the way I dig so deep into the litter that the bits have a trajectory of three feet! (Well, cats like me enjoy a good deep dig).
Somewhere along the way I got fat. Not just fat, actually. Obese is the term used by the vet. I am so fat I can't reach my backside or the lower half of my tummy to groom. There was a deeply shaming moment on Christmas day when Jess, Celia's nephew held me, while she clipped away the soiled area of my bottom and cut out a lot of knots. Such an indignity, really upsetting experience, but I feel better for it.
Love Pusskin
PS I am helping Celia type this. At my size I can block the computer screen really effectively!

Dear Pusskin,
Thank goodness there are rescue organisations like Cats Protection that give FIV cats a second chance. Humans don't put down humans that are HIV positive, so why should they put down FIV cats just because they have the virus. FIV cats can't spread it to humans and many have good quality of life for a long time. They deserve some happiness too.
I can see that you are visibly on the portly side. I take the view that we cats can be fat if we choose, but (how can I put it delicately?) it looks as if you are too well found, too much embonpoint, and just too much of you all together. Not being able to groom yourself is a deeply upsetting condition. No cat should be expected to live like that. We need to groom. It is part of who we are.
Has Celia done her duty and put you on an obesity diet? Is she being firm and not becoming a fatty enabler like some owners? And is she refusing your requests for more?
My recommendation to you, Pusskin, is to take more exercise. Don't just sit on that cat gymnasium device. Start jumping up and down on it. Hunt for bits of food all over the house - Celia will try to help with this - don't just eat out of a bowl. Chase flies. Chase bits of string. Make her play games with you as much as possible. Keep running up and down the stairs. Get fit not fat. Oh yes, and when you go to her to ask for more food, let yourself be diverted with a game not a cat biscuit.
Finally, there are people out there who will take on a cat with special needs. Be patient. Somebody will want you for your innate charm, your gentleness with humans. They will look with the eyes of love and not see that fat outer cat. instead they will see past the outside into the essential beautiful inner cat.
Love George
PS. A very helpful comment by Puss Puss below. Thank you, Puss Puss

More on Christmas gifts and should humans dye their hair to match our fur.

Dear George,
Talking about fashion, Christmas gifts and human behavior!
I think I got my humans well trained, especially my mom. She is very “fashionable” and wants the same for me.
See, I got a blanket to match my eyes’ color and a little “snowman” mouse to play with. I have to mention that the mouse’s hat is blue too!
I know that actually she’s so much in love with me that she had her hair done to match my eyes too (I’ve seen some blue highlights on it) Now, how cool is this?
George, do you think I should ask my male human to have his hair colored blue as a token of love for me?
In wonder
Tom

Dear Tom,
Here in the UK the Royal Society for the Protection of Animals has taken a firm line when humans dye their pets to match their clothes or their furniture. They don't think it is ethical to do this, as they fear it makes animals into fashion objects. So I consulted the feline equivalent organisation, the Imperial Society for the Protection of Humans, (note that it is a bit up the social scale from the mere Royal of the human organisation), and their view was that it would be unethical to require your male human to change its hair colour.
Of course, we do keep humans as pets for our amusement, as well as love. Their funny little ways can be really entrancing at times and I, for one, much enjoy playing with them. They seem to appreciate the attention so much. It is sometimes quite pathetic to see their disappointed faces, when I show my disapproval by withdrawing attention. But how far should we cats go in adapting humans to our requirements?
After very careful consideration, my opinion is that you should fully enjoy the compliment of your female human. She is really showing her devotion by changing her hair colour to match your eyes. However, it would be going to far to make this a requirement by the male human. If he chooses, of his own accord, to make such a touching gesture, then naturally you will respond with purrs and rubs of the highest quality.
But, if he falls short of female devotion, and does not change his hair colour, then this must be accepted with a good grace. Forcing him to do so would be wrong. There is a move among the feline intelligentsia to admit that humans do have some rights. Of course, as a species lower down the evolutionary scale of things, their rights do not supercede ours. But we should allow them a few minor freedoms and I think hair colour probably falls into this category.
Happy New Year.
Love George.
PS. I have just heard of the death of Angel. For her obituary read: http://everycat.blogspot.com

Merry Christmas to all cats!

Hola, George!

Hope all Vincent Brown’s Christmas wishes came true! I didn’t even know what Christmas is until I read your blog.

See, I was rescued from the streets last summer when I was about four weeks old.

The family that rescued me is a funny one! Each of them is calling me a different name! Thanks God I know who I am!!! Anyway, my favorite is the male human; he’s a sweetheart! He can stay up all night waiting for me to come home

The boys are good but strange – one is calling me Fifi and the other one Diego.

I personally prefer Diego even if I’m a cute girl J

But, George…I have major problems with my female human. She’s stubborn, she has a mind of herself and everybody has to obey to her orders! I believe she thinks she’s a cat! I have to address this and I need your help! I want her to completely obey to me!

Oh! Almost forgot! Regarding the Christmas tree ….that was a scare!

Tell you the truth I thought that my humans brought a tree in the house to keep me inside during winter since I always want to spend the night out (I’m a gypsy at heart) J

Well, I discovered that I can have much fun “decorating” the tree – at litteram (see the picture). Anyway, George I need your help in dealing with my female human.

As much as I want all cats and their staff to enjoy Christmas I want my female human to be put in her place and learn that ….cats come first!

Please help

Diego

PS. Feliz Navidad to all gattos and gattinos and their humble staff!

Dear Diego,

You look great on the Christmas tree. It must be a whopper or else you are a very slender cat! How kind of your human to be so thoughtful as to get a tree big enough to climb. It's really quite touching. She may be untrained but obviously in her limited human way, she does want to please. This should encourage you.

Christmas is not the best time to start a human training plan. Humans get very distracted by eating too much and they become over-excited by other human visitors. They can't really concentrate. Many of them also are drug users - instead of catnip they drink something called alcohol which seems to make them high. Unlike us cats, they don't know when to stop. I mean I like a catnip sniff, but I can take it or leave it. I don't sit there and sniff it about nine times, as I saw a visiting human do last night. Nine glasses is at least seven too many.

Have you also noticed how bad tempered they are in the morning? Boxing Day does allow the pleasure of a special wake-up session with your human. You will probably have noticed snoring and some digestive discomfort during the night. Now is your chance for a really thorough wakey-wakey routine - biting toes under the duvet, landing with a jump on the tender part of the lower stomach, patting the cheek or even lifting one of the eyelids. Have a go. It can be fun but be ready to spring backwards fast if any human is so hungover that it becomes truly savage.

It is always interesting for us human behaviour experts to see this dysfunctional species at close quarters with their families. It is often not a pretty sight! Human behaviour is so very primitive. They quarrel so easily - unlike us cats who merely avoid each other wherever possible rather than fighting. And the noise! Caterwauling is nothing to the noise of humans shouting at each other.

No. Training will have to start when normal life resumes. It is always a mistake to start on a sour note. As similar human excesses also take place at New Year, you will have to be patient, Diego. Training a human is a long term project and patience with this pathetic species is essential, if you are to make anything of them.

Happy Christmas.

George

What I want for Christmas by Vincent Brown

Dear George,
Reverting to Christmas presents. I think it might be wise to let all kindly people know what I really want. To avoid disappointment on either side.
I do NOT want the following items:
* Bells and squeaky toys. No. I am deaf.
* Catnip. No. It leaves me cold
* Scratching posts. No. I have an adequate supply of curtains, carpets, furniture and wallpaper.
* Pussycat pellets. No. I give these to the Cat Next Door (and may they choke him).
But please choose from the following selection:
* Chicken, raw or roasted.
* Kippers, boned.
* Salmon, fresh or smoked or as Manuka pate.
* Slivers from the joint
* Cream Fur ball medicine (for some reason delicious)
* Yoghurt, plain.
* Mild cheddar and perhaps a little Brie.
And maybe a length of string or a rumple of paper, a dangle or baubles, and ping pong balls. I know full well that most of the above comestibles are banned. But just for once. Just a smidgeon. Just for Christmas Day.
Thanking you from the bottom of my heart,
Vincent.

Dear Vincent,
Interesting letter which I find mildly disturbing. It suggests that you wait to be given these items by your owner, Pam. Why? I have found that this is not a good idea, where human beings are involved. The species does not share. They say cats are selfish but there is nothing more selfish than a human. Normally they think in terms of giving stuff that either they think you will like but you won't (silly new beds, expensive toys that are too heavy to move, etc) or even stuff they think is good for you (organic cat treats, tooth brushes, horrid spikey brushes). You must move on to new ways of thinking....
Christmas offers interesting food items to take. Notice, I say take. Do not wait to be given. Think cat burglar rather than cat beggar. Not only are there the normal pieces of food dropped on the floor, but there are also large food items left unguarded. Keep an eye out for the smoked salmon waiting on the plates for the starter course. If you walk casually and quietly into the food area, you may find that these are just there. Hop on the table and help yourself.
On the kitchen surface, people put down food like hot turkey, cold turkey, sausages (cold and hot), little meaty nibbles for humans, fishy nibbles for other humans, little bits of spilled gravey and spilled goose fat. Then there is that old standby - the butter. Butter always tastes good. Humans use it lavishly and I have never understood why they are so mean minded that they often cover it up so that we can't get the slightest taste. They wouldn't miss just a little lick or two of it.
Now is the time to expand your idea of food. French cheese often comes in sort of squidgey, creamy forms like Brie. There is a kind of ground up meat called pate which tastes very good indeed and is easy to lick off the plate. Not forgetting cream, brandy butter, custard, and yoghurt. Don't wait to be asked. Don't wait to be given. Just go for it.
My motto, when considering humans, is what's thine is mine and what's mine is my own.
Happy Christmas
George.
Don't forget the tree. It's quite good fun to spray on it. Mark it as your own

La Dolce Vita - the amazing joy and awe of being rescued

Dear George,
I'm one lucky cat who got "to live" not one but two of the late Maestro Frederico Fellini's movies. Well, my life started with my mom being an alley cat. She was rescued by a good woman, Adriana, who took her in her house. My mom was pregnant and had three kittens. Adriana (who already had three cats of her own) kept us until we were eight weeks old. She found each of us new homes. I know she liked me the best.
Anyway, I ended up with a family that kicked me out when I was no longer a kitten (about one year old). I survived for almost a year (and a bloody cold winter) on the streets. Somehow Adriana found out about this and asked the family that adopted me to bring me back to her. Here I was once again in Adriana's house! And once again she was looking to find a good home for me. Right on my 2nd birthday I was adopted by Rita-Mae and Francesco. They were my "angels' - what a wonderful birthday gift!
Oh! I forgot to tell you that my name was Freddy! When Francesco first saw me he said 'We'll take the cat but his name will be Frederico." Destiny! What better birthday gift .?
And so began my "Dolce Vita". I spend most of my time in "dolce far niente"!
First thing in the morning I bite Rita'Mae's toes so she''ll "wake up and serve me breakfast. Later, I read the newspapers with Francesco. Then ... I watch the birds, cars, and all the crazy things you can see outside. Sometimes... I play with Tutu - the house rabbit.
George, isn't this amazing? Quite a journey from "La Strada" to "La Dolce Vita", from "Freddy to Frederico". Do you think I might have a karmic link with Maestro Fellini?
In awe
Frederico.

Dear Frederico (formerly Freddy),
Your journey from suffering to happiness, from pain to pleasure, from human cruelty to human love, is awesome. That journey is wonderful for all of us rescued cats. At Christmas I think of Lou (www.westoxoncats.co.uk) who took me in as an orphaned kitten, bottle fed me, and gave me a happy home. I also remember all those poor cats on the street (at this time of year in dire straits because of the cold) who need human angels like Adriana.
I looked up the karmic link idea on the web and it says it is metaphysical attraction between different souls, according to their karma. So it is often a kind of link of love that attracts people. I think I have a karmic link to Lou. I hope I don't have a link to the cruel person who thrust my mother out into the cold when she was pregnant. It must be great to have a karmic link to Maestro Fellini, maker of great films. Pity that he is on the other side. We could do with a really really good film about cats - not one where the cat is the baddy.
Dolce far niente is my motto too, with one exception which is hunting. But when the weather is heavy rain and wind, as it often is in the UK, my day goes something like this - woke up, eat food out of bowl, nap, eat food out of bowl, nap, investigate flies on the window, nap, eat food out of bowl, nap.... Of course, if it is a dry cold day I am out there hunting, checking my territory for any change, sniffing at the rabbit poo, seeing if any mice are around. After hunting, I nap and nap well.
Christmas -- I hope there is not going to be any silliness about putting a Christmas hat on me, like some years. I don't appreciate this human stupidity!
Love George.
PS. My housekeeper/butler/cook is back. Keeps talking about statistics. That woman has no sense at all.

Zzzzzz! I'm a Zen cat!

Dear George,

Sometimes life can be very boring between breakfast and dinner, especially if you are an indoor cat and alone until your human comes home!

I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong! If you remember …I was rescued after living for about 2 years on the streets of a suburb.

I do love my forever home and I do love my mom, but once in a while I get THAT urge to scratch or knock down things. Obviously mom is not pleased and calls me “a naughty girl”! So, trying to keep myself busy…..I took up meditation!

My “focus point” is a little fish in the aquarium next to my bed.

I stare at it until I fall into a deep meditation as you can see in the picture!

And I meditate (guess…deeper then a monk) until mom comes home.

I think I am a ZEN cat now! But I heard people talking about an Alpha cat!

George, what’s the difference between the two? Can I be both an Alpha and a Zen cat?

Something like the “A to Z” cat?

Love

Shumba

Dear Shumba,
Yes, fish are interactive TV for cats. Your human has obviously provided them for you to help amuse you. I see you are using them for meditation. Have you thought of a snack? Raw fish is very tasty and it is fun to put your paw in the tank and swish it about even if you don't actually fish one out! Some even more thoughtful owners provide a hamster cage for our amusement - though be wary, because if you put your nose too near the bars, these bite.
Deep meditation, intense serenity and the ability to nap often and anywhere (under radiators, on top of wardrobes, inside the bed, windowsills, near the Aga or on a radiator hammock) is something humans could learn from us. They don't know how to switch off. They spend their time working and worrying while they could learn from us the art of relaxation. So congratulations on being a Zen cat and setting them a good example.
Of course, you can be and should be an Alpha cat too. Being Alpha in the household means taking control of the family. First thing your Mom can do to keep you amused is to hide dry food in containers for you to "hunt" and eat - toilet rolls with sticky tape on the ends and holes to let the food out, paper (never plastic) bags, large cardboard boxes, small cardboard boxes to sit in (look at the photo of Cayenne on the blog entry for November 20th). And she should build some high stairs, ledges, using planks. Get that human to work.... This is the time when you don't let her nap or do Zen things, but you need her work much harder at being a feline amusement operative.
Make her get out the fishing rod toy and use it while she is watching TV. It is all on www.celiahaddon.com under Indoor Cats. Cats rule. Humans serve. If you are bored, Shumba, your human is not doing enough for you. They can be very slack in their duties.
Love George
PS. My secretary will be at college next Monday for five days so comments will be slow on going on the blog until the next weekend. I wish that woman would take her duties more seriously. Humans should be seen and not educated. The idea that they can learn anything much is just plain silly. She doesn't even clean my litter tray often enough - I like it cleaned 5 times a day.

Hi, I'm Bella. I'm a dog.

Dear George,
My name is Bella and I am a 5 month old Shitzu girl. I''m so cute that I can pass for a kitten.
Mommy is so proud of me that she is inviting all her friends over to see me.
I enjoy very much all the attention, gifts and treats, but I'm a bit concerned since some of her friends have cats. The other night they were telling my mom about your blog.
What if they suggest her to get a cat too? I really don't want to share the house with a cat. Cats can be bossy and I'm too cute to be bossed around.
George, what exactly cats don't like about dogs? What can I do to make sure that no cat will come to live with us? Sorry, I know I sound selfish but, cats don't like to share houses with dogs either.
Tanti baci,
Bella.

Dear Bella,
To us cats, dogs are ridiculous. They actually look up to humans, as if they thought humans are superiors (surely they can't!). They obey commands. They do what they are told. Dogs have masters. We cats have staff. That's what our humans are for. They are our butlers, housemaids, cooks, secretaries, grooms and nurserymaids. A dog makes a human feel like a god. Not a good thing. Humans need keeping in their place - as bottom dog not alpha superior.
There is only one safe rule - which is that CATS RULE. You are right that we often boss around dogs. We have to. If we become the underdog (or under cat) we are in danger of our lives. Dogs often hunt cats. Even small dogs like Shitzu's could wound us severely. In fact small dogs like terriers are more likely to chase cats than labradors (more gentle by nature).
Usually it all starts when a cat is introduced to a strange dog. Heaven knows, we cats don't like strange animals. We don't even like strange cats, let alone strange dogs. So normally if that happens, a cat that doesn't know about dogs just makes a run for it. The dog runs after is and Voila! the relationship is fixed into that of prey (cat) and predator (dog). So naturally we cats don't want dogs coming into our homes.
The only exception is if we have been brought up in a home with cat-friendly dogs. Dogs learn how not to chase cats when they are young puppies and we cats learn how to love dogs while we are young kittens. The best way to have a cat and a dog (scientists have proved this) is to get a cat first, then add a puppy carefully and safely. Preferably a nice gun dog type not a terrier or a guard dog sort.
If your Mom is determined to get a cat too, she needs to get one now while you are still young enough to adapt to being underdog. A good rescue shelter will know if a cat is used to dogs and find one for her. But better still don't let her... Oh I forgot, you will do what she says.
Love George
PS. This sums it up nicely. You need to read right to the end. It comes from David the Dogman - http://www.thedogman.net/

Where do pets come from? It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. . And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Help! - my beautiful Hollywood cat career in ruins

Dear George,
With the current economy being so slow both Cayenne and I decided to help our humans increase their household income!
So we thought of different sources of revenue such as "modelling", "knitting", "hunting", "lulla-purrs for kittens'' CD, 'yoga for cats"video - something we'd enjoy and yet making money. We had quite a few good ideas but none was as tempting as a commerical for panetone. Panetone is a sweet Italian bread that you cat eat "as is" or with coffee, milk, etc. Some humans will have it with cappucino; some with red wine! Anyway we created our own little scenario, music, decor, etc.
I was soooooo excited, but.... Cayenne ruined it all!
The day we were supposed to do the comercial, I realized that my sister Cayenne gained too much weight (probably snacking on panetone), so we won't fit in the box together as we were supposed to. The whole thing was a fiasco!
Look at me in the box, so lonely and sad! What kind of ad is this?
Who would want to eat panetone now? And the worst thing is that Cayenne is laughing! But if she doesn't lose weight fast.... she is going to ruin by career (our mooomy won't let me go alone to Hollywood)! Please help!
Love Fluffy.


Dear Fluffy,
You look beautiful. Any advertisement with a cat in it is a good advertisement. Human beings are programmed to notice animals more than anything else. Evolutionary psychologists (dedicated to trying to find out how human brains are programmed by evolution) have experimented with showing flash pictures of animals, buildings and cars. Even though these humans are fixated by cars and houses (in the UK, at least), they notice animals the most. This seems to be left over from the days when humans were as clever as animals, and spent time trying to avoid being eaten and trying to find animals to eat. In those days they were like intelligent cats.
Since then they have become like naked babies (neotony is the name for that). They have lost their conscious abilities to think as sensibly as we do. So don't worry about it, Fluffy. You look wonderful in that box. The humans will notice you maybe even if they don't know they are. The only problem might be that they forget to read the name on the box because you are so much much more attractive than panetone.
Are you sure that Cayenne WANTS to lose weight? And are you sure you WANT to go to Hollywood? Apart from The Cat From Outer Space (a Burmese) there aren't great career prospects - though maybe readers can add some more cat movies.
I think we all ought to be on YouTube.
Love George

Scraaatch - the way to get attention from these humans

Dear George,
I wish to pass on a good way to get attention from these absent minded humans. I expect, like me, you get irritated by their inability to concentrate on what really matters - me, my food bowl, my sleeping places and my need for fun. Too often they will spend their time selfishly doing things for themselves - eating (better food often), sleeping, watching TV or even going out shopping without bringing back Whiskers. So get their attention fast - choose an antique chair, look at them, and then while you have that nano second of their attention, scraaaatch.
Love Jaffa

Dear Jaffa,
I can see that you have it down to a fine art. I particularly admire the use of the left front paw, holding it up as a asign to "collect" their attention, rather in the way a conductor holds his baton just before the orchestra starts with the music. Then the quick swivel round and the double scratch downwards. That shiny covering material - is it brocade? - must have been expensive. All the better to make your mark.
Other good places to leave the sign of the velvet claw include the side of the bed - this is often upholstered with a satisfactory cushion effect. A few downward strokes help wake them up in the morning like a speaking clock. "At the third scratch, it will be 6 am. At the next scratch it will be 6.03am." Makes a change from biting their toes under the duvet.
Scratching also has its place in the garden, particulary the rockery. For years dogs have marked and killed small focus conifers planted on rockeries. We can do our part too in improving their garden design either with claw or spray.
Have you tried scratching the carpet? I know that it is rather boring to have to do a horizontal rather than a vertical scratch, but it becomes quite pleasureable once you have broken down the carpet so that the strong hession backing is showing. Masterful horizontal scratches near doors will stop them ever shutting you out again. "We can't shut him out - he just ruins the carpet."
Finally, don't forget curtains. Some cat-wary humans don't have curtains down to the floor, because they know what will happen. Others, in a spirit of optimism and folly, buy long expensive brocade or velvet ones that sweep downwards. Not only are these delightful for kittens doing climbing exercises, but they also have good adult cat potential for scratching.
Let them have it, Jaffa.
Love George
PS. Sign the Canadian petition against declawing at www.petitiononline.com/bandec/petition.html
PPS. Rabbits do it too. Here is a photo of Harvey - read his remarks in Comments below

Many toed polydactyl cats - six in all or even more

Dear George
I am one of two black brothers in the care of West Oxfordshire Cats Protection (www.westoxoncats.co.uk ). As you can see we look very much alike - apart from four interesting features. My paws are bigger and (I think) better because they have six digits not just five. You can see the difference in the photo of me (higher up) and my brother and see how it looks from the detailed photo of my back paw. Some cats have seven digits.
Love CP Kitten

Dear CP Kitten,
Impressive. I see that your feet look sort of large when you are sitting down and there's an odd sort of bump sticking out. I can only count five on the bottom photo of your paw close up, but, of course, the sixth digit is higher up the leg. I can just see the dew claw on the bottom middle of that picture. I like the way the paw pad has got a little extra bit on the left hand side (in the bottom photo). Normal cat feet have four digits at the bottom and the smaller one up the side of the ankle (so to speak).
A scientist who studied more than 100 polydactyl cats reported that extra digits were more common on the front than the back paws, though you have them on both. Also sometimes there were seven digits in all - ie six on the main pawpad. Sometimes the extra toe is just an extra dew claw higher up rather than a full toe. Just occasionally the claws on the extra toes retract differently on the back paws from the normal claws.
Extra toes are the result of a dominant gene (according to C. H. Danforth author of Morphology of the feet in polydactl cats,American Journal of Anatomy, (1947) 80, 143-171 available on Google Scholar). Exactly how many extra toes and their size and shape varies from one individual to another. Six or seven toed cats aren't going to have any great advantage, so that evolution isn't going to encourage them to flouish at the expense of ordinary cats.
I guess we cats just have to be grateful that cat breeders aren't interested in this variation. There are always humans interested in the bizarre who are breeding bald animals, animals with stumpy legs, animals with floppy ears, huge animals or tiny animals. I have even seen photos of bald guinea pigs.
Humans can't mind their own business. They start with some unusual animals, breed them to each other, keep breeding them with each other and, bingo, there's a new breed with a tiny gene pool (unhealthy). Luckily six toed cats have escaped the attention of these humans and so, because they are not inbred, are as healthy as normals. Let's hope it stays that way.
Love George