Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What I want for Christmas by Vincent Brown

Dear George,
Reverting to Christmas presents. I think it might be wise to let all kindly people know what I really want. To avoid disappointment on either side.
I do NOT want the following items:

* Bells and squeaky toys. No. I am deaf.

* Catnip. No. It leaves me cold

* Scratching posts. No. I have an adequate supply of curtains, carpets, furniture and wallpaper.

* Pussycat pellets. No. I give these to the Cat Next Door (and may they choke him).

But please choose from the following selection:

* Chicken, raw or roasted.

* Kippers, boned.

* Salmon, fresh or smoked or as Manuka pate.

* Slivers from the joint

* Cream
Fur ball medicine (for some reason delicious)
* Yoghurt, plain.

* Mild cheddar and perhaps a little Brie.

And maybe a length of string or a rumple of paper, a dangle or baubles, and ping pong balls.
I know full well that most of the above comestibles are banned. But just for once. Just a smidgeon. Just for Christmas Day.
Thanking you from the bottom of my heart,


Dear Vincent,
Interesting letter which I find mildly disturbing. It suggests that you wait to be given these items by your owner, Pam. Why? I have found that this is not a good idea, where human beings are involved. The species does not share. They say cats are selfish but there is nothing more selfish than a human. Normally they think in terms of giving stuff that either they think you will like but you won't (silly new beds, expensive toys that are too heavy to move, etc) or even stuff they think is
good for you (organic cat treats, tooth brushes, horrid spikey brushes). You must move on to new ways of thinking....
Christmas offers interesting food items to take. Notice, I say take. Do not wait to be given. Think cat burglar rather than cat beggar. Not only are there the normal pieces of food dropped on the floor, but there are also large food items left unguarded. Keep an eye out for the smoked salmon waiting on the plates for the starter course. If you walk casually and quietly into the food area, you may find that these are just there. Hop on the table and help yourself.
On the kitchen surface, people put down food like hot turkey, cold turkey, sausages (cold and hot), little meaty nibbles for humans, fishy nibbles for other humans, little bits of spilled gravey and spilled goose fat. Then there is that old standby - the butter. Butter always tastes good. Humans use it lavishly and I have never understood why they are so mean minded that they often cover it up so that we can't get the slightest taste. They wouldn't miss just a little lick or two of it.
Now is the time to expand your idea of food. French cheese often comes in sort of squidgey, creamy forms like Brie. There is a kind of ground up meat called pate which tastes very good indeed and is easy to lick off the plate. Not forgetting cream, brandy butter, custard, and yoghurt. Don't wait to be asked. Don't wait to be given.
Just go for it.
My motto, when considering humans, is what's thine is mine and what's mine is my own.
Happy Christmas
Don't forget the tree. It's quite good fun to spray on it. Mark it as your own


  1. Lucky us! at least one of our humans eats fish (we don't know why but they don't eat meat)
    Last night we ate the wild smoked salmon even before they got a chance to taste it.
    But...they were ok with this :-)

    PS. We trained them well.

  2. Vincent, you are such a lovely cat!

  3. Not all cats can "spray" on the tree!
    But we can always be sort of cute Christmas tree decorations and make our mark!

    PS. I'll send a photo

  4. My humans give me a variety of food. They had a cat that would only eat human tuna and he died with kidney disease, so that's why I get a variety. They do share their meat with me when they have it and I enjoy that. The other day they had some fresh venison. I loved it.

  5. Vincent,
    Don't you forget that you RUN the house and there is not such thing as "".
    You are the master and you have to demand your housekeeper to serve you whatever your heart desires!
    Merry Christmas to you and your staff!
    Sir Winston

  6. Vincent,
    May your Christmas be filled with chicken, kippers, salmon, yogurt, cheddar, ping-pong balls, rumple of paper, joy and happiness!
    I can picture you and Pam sitting at the table and sharing all the goodies :-)


Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online