Yum, yum....

 I have decided to apply for a job in a Chinese pet food laboratory - as a taster. These humans have been testing what flavours we like best using chicken liver spray.

Now chicken liver - or other liver - is what I like almost best in the world, though my human says that it is toxic if I eat too much of it too often. Just a tiny taste is all that I should have.

But purrhaps if I was in that laboratory I would get much more of it....

So what were their findings? Only what we cats know very well indeed. We don't like sweet. We don't even taste sweet. We like savory or unami (as they call it.) The meatier the taste the more we like it.

That's why we have to train our humans to buy us the most expensive cat food - expensive because there is more real meat in it and less carbs.

And while I mention this, it's amazing that I can successfully train my human in this way. I don't have to go to the supermarket with her. She just does what I have told her to do

even though I am not there to make her do it. This is long distance training... we are experts at this.

Want to brush up on training techniques? Read my book, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. Buy it here. It really works.

Childless cat ladies are wonderful!

 I don't take a lot of notice when my human becomes upset, but last week I couldn't miss her distress. Some bearded git, the would-be Republican vice president in the USA, has said that "childless cat ladies" live miserable lives. 

The insult got to her. She doesn't have children because her husband couldn't. And yes, she has cats. Me, of course.

Is her life miserable? I don't think so. She misses her husband who died, but otherwise has a full emotional life. Yes, a full emotional life with me.

• We love and care for each other.
  
• We sleep together. 
• We communicate with purrs and human "catty" talk. 
  
• We spend time in the garden together.
• I spend time in a warm cat bed near her computer supervising her work.  
• I take a great deal of interest in what she cooks.
• I try to clean up any food that has fallen on the kitchen floor.
• I greet her when she comes home.
  
• And I look beautiful.
  

She is not miserable. She is a happy cat lady and I am determined to help her stay that way, Mr JD Vance.

I hope you lose the US election

Are we getting on together?

 Most humans are too dumb to read our body language. So they don't pick up the clues that cats are not getting on. Sure, they may recognise a cat fight but more sublte signs pass them by.

Take for instance these two cats. The black cat is arching his back and standing sideways to the tabby the white cat. His tail is bristling and is standing up then going down. He is making himself look as big as possible to threaten the other cat.

The tabby and white has his ears retracted showing anger and they are also slightly pulled down the sides of the head showing some fear. 

His body is stiff with tension because he is readying himself for fight or flight. Another sign of his fear is that his body weight is on his back feet.

Yes, some cats do get on.  But some cats definitely do not.

Now some human scientists have come up with explanation and advice to these dumb humans. You can download their guidelines here 

Take-home message for stupid humans is 

• Don't take in too many cats
• Recognise the signs of inter cat tension
• Make sure each cat has a safe haven
• Don't feed cats in a row. Feed them at a decent distance from each other.
  
• Be creative in helping cats avoid each other - cat trees, lots of cat beds, lots of food and water in different occasions, a litter tray for each cat and one extra.
  

Taking possession of human resources

 

When moving into a new human home, it is important to start taking possession of the resources. Make it clear what is yours, not theirs from the start.

Human beds (so much more roomy than cat beds), the sofa, the best armchair, the floor space under the radiator - these are all resources that you should claim as your own as soon as possible..

Other resources will also become yours - such as the office chair. Now an office chair is not as comfy as a sofa, but nevertheless it has a certain symbolic value. If it's not yours, then your human may think that is belongs to them.

Likewise any garden furniture. Garden furniture is installed by humans for humans. Yet any cat knows that garden furniture belongs to felines first, humans second. A garden table makes a nice place to lounge when the sun is out.

 Be imaginative... a car might not appear to be the best place for a cat, but some cats take over the family car.

Then there are boxes, stairs, shopping bags, even sinks - all of these are potential cat resources. 

Once you use them, you can claim ownership.

Do your joints ache?

 It's tough getting old, whether you are a cat or a human. But we cats have an extra problem. We hide our pain.

So for the help of your human, instead of a cat photo here is a quiz photo. Humans are so dumb that they have to have simple instructions on how to recognise our pain.

It should be obvious, really - if we hesitate when jumping up on to the bed, or have to bunny hop using both back legs when going up or down stairs. 

If we are slower to play or spend more time in our bed - it's not "just old age" it can easily be arthritic pain. AND we need painkillers just like elderly humans do.

So show this to your human.... remember they are dumb animals that need instruction.

How to be nice to the vet ...

Vets? I hate them, like most cats. But I have learned not to show it. You can make a vet like you, if you try hard.

Fergus is a cat whose life was saved because the vets thought he was cute. He was handed in as a skinny elderly stray, and would have been put down.

But he purred loudly at the vet. He rubbed against the vet's hands. He walked off off the vet table and sat on the keyboard of the vet's keyboard.

"He's so cute and loving," thought the female vet. So she rang the local cat charity and asked them if they would fund treatment for him, not euthanasia.

Fergus had a blood test which showed he was healthy. His teeth were awful - one reason why he was so skinny. It hurt to eat. These were treated and the charity took him on.

After three months with a fosterer - and lots of regular meals - he found his forever home.

So.. it might be worth being nice to the vet! Fergus charmed the vet into giving him a second chance.

Male or female humans which do you prefer?

Freya taking a nap after socialising with the male plumbers

 Purrsonally, I have always preferred females. For the following reasons...

• They are usually in charge of food in the kitchen.
  
• They vocalise in a higher voice more like a miaow.
• They have softer bodies to lie on.
• They take up less room in the bed.
  

But my friend, Freya prefers males. She says she likes them better because...

• They have bigger laps to sit on and she is largish.
• If they love cats, they are soppier than the females!
  
• They are less fussy about cat hair.
• She finds their snoring restful at night.

Which do you prefer? And why?

• If your human wants to know why, tell her/him to read chapter 3 in this book.
  
  
  
  

Black cats need human hellp

 Almost a hundred black cats were found in a deserted house in Kent, UK.  Only 74 of them were alive and well and could be saved.

Safe Haven Animal Rescue, near Sevenoaks, now have to find  humans willing to adopt them... Not easy because black cats are the least popular option among people wanting a cat.

Why? Why do humans discriminate against some of us, just  because we have differently coloured fur. We cats of unpopular colour are just as loving, just as graceful, just as purrfect, as cats that are white or ginger.

The original George, my uncle, who started this  blog was black - and his human thought he was the funniest most handsome cat in the world.

 

 

 

Why human brains move in the past and present.

 As we cats all know, humans have extraordinary and rather wonky dysfunctional brains. They keep thinking about things that might happen but never do. 

Their brains move forwards and backwards in time, instead of staying in the present. They therefore worry about the future (which probably doesn't happen) or they become anxious and unhappy about the past (which is over and done with.)

They also create in their minds curious and unlikely fantasies. My human is currently becoming obsessed about the death of a former cat, Mr Spangles. Not only does she miss him and want to cry, but she feels she has to do something about his death.

She spent a lot of money getting his body cremated. Now she is wondering if she should scatter his ashes in her small town garden. Or should she bury them and put up tombstone somewhere in the garden?

Then she worries about what will happen if she has to sell her house. Will new humans living there respect his tomb? Will they pave over the grass that hides his ashes?

Currently she has put the ashes in a cupboard with the ashesof her previous cats, and also (this will make fellow cats laugh) with the ashes of her husband Ronnie. They sit there but will her relatives know they are there?

She wants to be buried in a country churchyard with all those ashes even though some of Ronnie's ashes are missing, as she scattered a handful up and down Fleet St.

Can you imagine how much brainpower is being wasted on these thoughts. And these pointless thoughts make her unhappy. If she was a cat, she would just go out and catch a nice mouse for her dinner instead of having these ridiculous ruminations.

But that is the human brain... They really are a very weird species.

 

Ouch. My teeth hurt...

 With age comes pain... not just the arthritis that I am beginning to feel, but tooth pain. Toothache makes me grouchy and stops me enjoying my food. 

Sometimes when I go to my bowl to eat, I remember how it hurt last time. I move towards the bowl, eat a little then retreat because of the pain in my gums.

Do humans notice this? No, with their dumb blindness they usually don't. They may think we are being fussy about food, when it just HURTS...

I hate all vets but I admit that my vet does know about tooth pain. She checks inside my mouth when I come for my annual vaccination and check up. 

Now I have got to have dental work. I dread it. And for once my human would understand, because she dreads going to the dentist too.

Should we all get our humans to clean our teeth? I think not. Too invasive, for me. I'm not having some dumb human push a toothbrush into my mouth.

But getting an annual check up is worthwhile. Fellow cats, make sure your vet looks inside your mouth regularly.

Why we needed Maneki-neko

    I discovered this odd little plastic item the other day when I was checking the kitchen floor for interesting crumbs of food. It had fallen from the Welsh dresser - and it was moving.

The moving plastic part was intriguing but it smelled of nothing in particular. And it didn't look interesting in shape.

Then I discovered it was meant to be a Maneki-neko - a beckoning cat that is meant to bring prosperity to small businesses. 

 

Luck is much needed in the household at the moment because my human has writer's block and I have not been feeling well. I think I ate something from out of the garden that did not agree with me.

I felt so bad last night that instead of sleeping on top of my human, I hid away under a bedroom chair. She woke up at 3am and decided I was lost. 

Panicking - like humans do - she wandered round the house and into the garden calling me and rattling the food bowl. As I was feeling sick, I did not respond. 

This morning she took me to the vet who said there was nothing "clinically" wrong. Purrhaps the Maneki-neko luck will make me feel better. 

It might also stops her writer's block. She needs all the pennies she can earn for the vet's bills.

How long will I live?

Number crunching humans have come up with an answer to the question: "How long will I live?"

Well, the answer is it depends.... trust humans to make things complicated! Average lifespan for a house cat is just under twelve years. If you are a female cat, you will live a little longer than a male cat.

Being a neutered helps you reach that age. Being an ordinary moggy also helps. Most pedigree cats have a  much shorter livespan with Sphynx cats living only about seven years. That's probably because they are so inbred.

Birmans live longer

Birmans and Burmese pedigrees are the exception. They live longer than ordinary moggies.The exact lifespan table can be found here.

So let us ordinary moggies celebrate.... we last longer!

Cats are King.... the message.

 

In the fight for better conditions we cats need to catch humans young, when they are just kittens. Although babies can be unpleasantly damp and toddlers not much better, from the age of five onwards they become more sensible.

This is the  moment to influence those dumb human minds for the good of the feline world. Humans who grow up with cats in the house will be available as carers later in life.

Tom, the original and (he claims) true author of the book, has written this book under his human's pseudonym. I sympathise with his need to have a human "author."

This is Tom

The story shows how a cat behaves in the household - and how humans just have to put up with it! Good propaganda for the little ones.

It's also important for human kittens to get a sense of their place in the human household. Obviously top of the pecking order is CAT, then adult human, then young human and - right at the bottom if they exist in the family - dog.

Congratulations, Tom. Keep up the good work.

It hurts when I move... Checklist for your human.

Humans take us for granted when we are elderly. "It's only old age," they say when they see us walking slowly or hesitating  before jumping up. As if it doesn't matter...

Humans don't take their own old age for granted. They take painkillers - as all those advertisements on daytime TV show. They consult doctors and physiotherapists.

This blindness to our arthritis must stop!

I've found a checklist that will tell ignorant humans that we are hurting. Here it is: 

• Do you bunny hop going upstairs - using both hind legs to propel yourself upward.
• Do you go downstairs pausing at each stair, or leaning to one side, or taking a break on the way down?
• Do you hesitate before jumping up onto the kitchen table or high place? Or use your front legs to haul yourself up?
• Do you hesitate before jumping down? Or start reaching down with your front legs before launching yourself off?

You can get the full details here. And there is a useful graphic among others for vets and owners here.

Fleas... in 10 Downing St.

Now we can reveal - for the first time - that 10 Downing Street, the equivalent of the US White House - has fleas. Lots of 'em. The whistleblower is Liz Truss, the UK's shortest serving prime minister.

She writes in her memoir just published: "The place was infested with fleas. The entire place had to be sprayed with flea killer. I spent several weeks itching." 

As a cat who knows more about fleas (and probably more about the UK economy) than Liz Truss, I want to put it on record that the woman only spent a few weeks in 10 Downing St anyway. 

Perhaps if she had concentrated on on not wrecking the UK economy, rather than scratching herself and complaining about fleas, she might have had a longer term.

Larry the 10 Downing St cat has claimed " The fleas came from Boris Johnson, the previous prime minister, not me."

Dylan, the Johnson dog, has so far made no comment - which may be suspicious.

I am waiting to hear from Boris Johnson. He is always messing with his hair... is this a sign that the fleas really did come from him?

 

Now it's Biden stealing feline rights...

Jill Biden - https://twitter.com/FLOTUS/status/1487008748577214465

 As an author in my own right, I felt irritated  about more publishing competition from humans. It's bad enough that my human, Celia, keeps making money out of writing cat books...

Now the First Lady, Jill Biden, is getting into the act - with a children's book about the White House cat, Willow.

I don't mean to be catty, but readers will note that she did not write a book about the Biden dog, Major, who bit several members of staff. He was sent away in disgrace to live with family friends.

Neither did she write about the next dog, a puppy called Commander. He bit various secret service agents on at least 10 occasions and finally bit the White House superintendant, responsible for walking him.

No, Jill Biden realised that writing about the Biden dogs was not going to go anywhere. So she settled for Willow, the White House cat who has so far not bitten anybody.

Will Willow bite back, when she realises her owner is making money out of her? I have, on occasion, bitten Celia when I thought she was taking liberties with my copyright.

Watch this space....

 

 

 

Crazy cat men?

Men don't diet themselves or us

We cats are not misogynistic. We don't much care whether are our pets are male or female - though sometimes I have wished that both could be neutered. Humans would be so much easier to control, if they were without romantic interests.

For years male humans have sneered at women for loving cats too much. Now the tables are turned in the UK. More men than women are adopting cats from Cats Protection!

Is this good news for cats? I think it is. Male humans have larger laps than women so we can really stretch out. They will spend hours watching sport on TV giving us plenty of lap time.

Male humans often earn more money than women, so we can probably get more expensive food. But they usually don't diet themselves... or us!

Their bodies smell differently from female humans' bodies, but nowadays they are just as likely to use scents: so that's not a problem.

Disadvantages? Well, it is said that human males are more difficult to train than human females. This is not true. The advantage of training males is that they have no idea that they are being trained (ask any human female!).

It's important only to use reward methods of training for human males, as they are more likely to injure us if we nip or claw them. They don't mean to. It is just male lack of impulse control.

So careful training must start immediately using rewards like loud purring, kneading (avoid tender male body areas),  plaintive meows near food, and generally charming behaviour.

Human males are putty in our paws...

 

Cat photos for free book return!

Sometimes - just occasionally - humans do something clever. So the George Online Cat Award for March 2024 goes to some of the public libraries in the US.

Instead of fining humans for returning books late or damaged, they are accepting pictures of cats instead of money. They reckon they will get back more books that way. (Details here)

It's part of Massachusetts libraries'  Meowness month of March. It doesn't have to be a cat photo. It can be a drawing, a painting or just a magazine picture of a cat. In return for this normal fees for lateness of damaging a book will be forgiven and their library card will be reactivate

Apart from my own best-selling book, I don't go in much for books. They are not soft enough to sit on and they take up space which I would prefer to see used as a cat retreat. 

But I have always treasured the silence in a good library and the way a good book can help my human sit down and provide a warm lap. 

So purrs and rubs to Massachusetts librarians.

 

 

 

Purrlease... give oldies a home

 

Out there in cat pens there are hundreds of older cats that need homes. Brutally left without their humans, they will wait for months for a compassionate human to adopt them.

Fergus is a good example. He was brought into  an Oxford vet surgery by a kindly local woman. He was so thin that every single vertebra on his back was sticking out. He was starving to death.

He has lost his home when his owner died and was living rough at the age of about 11, definitely a geriatric age for cats. He could not have lasted much longer in the English winter.

The vets examined him, thought he was probably ill as well as starving and that the kindest thing to do would be to put him out of his suffering. Fergus gave deep throated purrs, rubbed himself against the staff, and generally showed he was a loving cat that wanted to live.

Sunshine Cat rescue in West Oxfordshire stepped in and paid for medical treatment - tests for diseases and dental work to pull out an infected tooth. Fergus meanwhile was eating as much as he possibly could!

Now he needs an adopter. He is eating three meals a day, and some extra dry food, putting on weight, and growing a glossy coat.

But he is in my spare room. And he's bored. And I don't want to live with another cat...

 

• If you can help find a home, share his photo from the website here - https://www.sunshinecatrescue.org.uk/adopt-cat/?catID=6190
  

 

Are you microchipped?

 

Are you microchipped? Of course you are. We feline bloggers are the lucky ones - up to date with our vaccinations, given regular vet care, and microchipped just in case.

Here in the UK about a third of cats are not. So if or when they get lost, there is no way of identifying their humans. If they are lucky enough to be picked up by a cat rescue organisation they just have to stay in a pen just hoping their humans will find out where they are.

Microchips also allow us to have a cat flap that closes against any feline intruders. This is so important for our mental health and feelings of security.

From June this summer it will be a legal requirement for all pet cats in the UK to be microchipped. All of them, whatever age and whatever their circumstances. There will be a fine of £500 for the humans who don't get this done.

I had my microchip put in when I was neutered - easily done and as I was out cold I didn't feel a thing. But even if I had been fully conscious it would have been no worse than what I feel with an injection.

If I could, I would microchip my human so I knew where she goes when she leaves the house. And then she could have her own security cat door to keep out burglars. But she is so stupid she won't do this.

Get yourself microchipped, if you don't already have one. Spread the word to dumb humans.

Are snowdrops dangerous?

My uncle George scratching

Are snowdrops dangerous to cats? My human was asked this last week and she didn't know the answer. One of her friends had read it in a news outlet - so it must be true.

Well, it was true... but only in theory. Do not let your human believe everything they read online.

Yes, snowdrop are potentially poisonous - the bulbs, that is. And what kind of cat is going to dig up snowdrop bulbs and eat them? A dog - well maybe. A cat - no.

When I go into the garden, I enjoy a good scratch on a tree; I enjoy sniffing where other cats have been; I look out just in case there is a mouse; I laze in the sun if there is any; but what I don't do is dig up things with my claws.

The only digging I might do is for toilet purposes. And I would never eat what I had dug!!

News outlets love bad news and scare stories. This is just one of the latest. 

Sometimes I think the human race has gone completely mad. Or perhaps they always were.

 

Why play matters....

 I play, therefore I am a cat.

I play when I am relaxed and feeling safe. I DON'T play if I am feeling stressed, or angry, or frightened or just hungry. So play is a way humans can recognise feline happiness.

It's also the way humans can recognise an unhappy cat. A cat that cannot or will not play is not relaxed and may be anxious or stressed.

Play is almost as good as hunting. Yes, I know that we house cats don't need to hunt for food any more. But the hunting instinct is designed to make us feel intensely absorbed and fully alive.

We indoor cats don't have the chance to hunt, but play is the next best thing to hunting. It exercises our body, interests our mind and fulfills the hunting instinct. It's not the social play with another cat: it's playing with a cat toy or some little object.

This is a book which will help your human give you the best chance for happy relaxed play. It's written by one of the best cat researchers in the world.

Get your human to read it.

 

• The author also has a terrific blog at https://whatyourcatwants.com/
  

Signs of stress in the shelter

 Many of my feline friends have found their forever homes after a spell in a cat shelter. Otherwise they would have continued to live rough on the street.

So shelters are good - but they are also very stressful for some of us. Most of us cats settle in fairly well and start to feel at home once we have rubbed our scent on the shelter surroundings and got used to strange noises, strange people and strange smells.

Most but not all. Some of us cats are particularly prone to stress and for us stressy cats time in a shelter can be hell - unless we have somewhere to hide.

So we do the best we can to hide. We close our eyes and pretend to sleep. Most humans think we are sleeping.

But the most intelligent humans can see that we are not - our bodies are tense and uptight, not relaxed and spread out, our feet are under our shoulders and firmly on the ground ready to run away, our ears are pointing downwards from anxiety, and every now and again we open an eye.

Here is a video of a cat pretending to sleep. Show it to your human, so that they can spot the signs. If they work in shelter, a cat who copes by pretending to sleep needs a hiding box.

Signs that I am stressed ... ears and eyes

 

This cat is stressed and fearful.

When I am stressed and a bit frightened, I lower my ears towards the side of my head. So there is a bigger space at the top of my head, between each ear. 

I might swivel them back a little too - if I think I might need to defend myself. That puts them out of the way of an attack from the front.

And my pupils grow large as I need to see exactly what is going on. The photo shows a cat that is crouched low too. 

All these signs should be noted by our humans, but some of them are very bad at reading what we are saying. Or they think that stroking us will calm us down when we are frightened. 

Just the reverse usually. If we are scared at a human who is looking at us, we might even nip them if they put out a hand to grope us.

Respect for our feelings is what we want from humans. We don't always get it because they are so ignorant.

• They might learn a bit more if they read the book I have written under a joint pseudonym!
  
  
  
  

Signs that I am stressed - the quick head shake

I need a quick head shake when I feel stressed - often when my human has stroked me too much and I need to regain my serenity. 

It's such a quick head shake that often humans don't notice it. Or they just think I am rearranging my fur.

But it's like the way humans sometimes wriggle their shoulders or do a quick sigh.  Or fiddle with their hair.

A sign that I want to get back to equilibrium. It makes me feel a little  bit better. 

I can't show this in a still photo - my human has tried and it is just too difficult. So she is posting a video at the end of this post. 

 

Signs that I am stressed - the tongue flick

 When I am stressed, I lick my nose - a quick flick of the tongue upwards. This is another example of our body language that humans cannot seem notice. They are very unobservant.

It's not the licking of lips, when I am finishing up a meal. When I lick my lips after a meal, I do several licks in succession or my tongue goes right round my mouth into the sides of the mouth to pick up any food fragments that have been left behind.

This kind of mouth licking takes much longer and is more thorough. The stress tongue flick is a single flicking move and quick. So quick that humans usually miss it. So quick that it only takes about two seconds or even less.

If you have a really good human pet, they will learn about the quick tongue flick. They will begin to notice it. And they will be on the way to understanding  you.

Signs that I'm stressed - the quick lick

Humans often miss what we are telling them. They don't understand our body language. Indeed, they often just don't even see it.

Many of us have humans that just don't understand us.

This is the shoulder lick, which we all do when we are feeling a bit uneasy, or a bit fearful, or we want to calm ourselves down a little. It's a quick turn to the shoulder, and a quick lick on the fur.

It's like the "phew" noise that humans make when they are getting to the end of something stressful.

It's quick. So quick that humans usually miss it. They just don't understand what we are saying. So quick that it only takes about five seconds or even less.

If you have a really good human pet, they will learn about the quick shoulder lick. They will begin to notice it. And they will be on the way to understanding  you.

How I survive New Year

I've put up with a lot from my humans lately - disrupted routine, strange humans coming into my house, cracker pulling noises, lap time ruined by too much human catnip drinking, and a Christmas tree that smelled of dog urine from being put outside on the pavement.

Now another "festive" time threatens -- New Year. There are two major horrors for cats - firework bangs and cracks, and humans drinking too much of their liquid catnip. It's a dire time for cats.

And some humans make it worse - they try to fish me out from under the bed where I am hiding from the noise. Or they stop me seeking my safe place high up in the wardrobe.

Just leave us cats alone, if we are hiding. That is the way we cope with firework noises or drunk humans.  

Oh yes, and tempt us in early so that we are safely inside the house when it all starts up. Close the cat flap. Keep us safe.

One bit of fun to get revenge.... The morning after New Year's Eve, wake your hungover humans early by purring noisily in their ear. It never fails to upset them.

Cat video travels from outer space.

 

A cat video (my human is a cat video addict) have now been beamed to the earth from outer space... well, why not? What other video would be sent?

It's another first for cats. We get everywhere. Every single place on Earth has cats - even above the arctic circle or on uninhabited islands. So space is not that new for us. We are natural explorers.

The spacecraft Psyche, currently 19 million miles away from Earth, sent the video starring Tater the cat. Psyche was launched in October and is on her way to metallic asteroid, circling the sun between Mars and Jupiter. You can read the whole story here.

And you can see the cat video here. Or, if for some odd human reason, you are more interested in space travel than cats, you can read about the mission here.

Think about this, when your human is being particularly annoying, refusing to let you put your nose into the Christmas cake basin or not giving you a single bit of the raw turkey innards. 

The first ever video from outer space showed Tater the cat. So we can afford to feel smug this Christmas.