Advice to Larry the First Cat

Dogs look up to humans, while we look down on them. Why does this matter? It gives humans ideas above their station in life. Just look the disasters that have happened to the British Prime Minister since he imported a dog into Number Ten Downing St... It's pathetic to see a dog rolling on its back in front of a human. Or putting its face between its paws in a kind of bow. They can't help it. They seem to think that humans are some kind of superior being.  That feeds into the human idea that they own us. Own us? They may own the dog but they certainly don't own a cat. We live independent lives which we may choose to share with them. But only from a position of feline superiority.

My advice to Larry the Downing St cat is to institute an immediate obedience training programme for the new First Dog, while it is still a pup. Get in there with a few well timed paw swipes.

With luck, Dylin the dog will be out of Number Ten very shortly, but there's a chance he may wheedle his way back in after a general election.

Start a punishment regime NOW. 

Coming shortly - more canine advice in my new book.

Why humans cannot pounce.

Toby demonstrates the high pounce

"Four legs good: two legs bad!" is a slogan invented by a human as a sneer in a work of fiction. Actually, it's a good slogan for all of us quadrupeds. It's actually true....
What do we gain by four legs? For a start,  increased stability, the ability to manage on only three legs if we lose one in an accident and more power to the back legs. We jump high and land so gently that we can grab a mouse at the same time.
If humans do a high jump, they land in a heap. They can't pounce properly.
The only advantage they gain are hands with fingers and thumbs. Good for opening cat food tins and envelopes, I guess. While we can carry only one mouse at a time in our mouths, they could carry two - one in each hand. Only they don't.

 Coming shortly

They don't have our front paw sensitivity. We can feel a small rodent moving in the grass with our front paws and we can feel the texture of surfaces where we walk. We can walk silently. 
Ever seen a human trying to stalk silently? It's pathetic. Their immobile feet plonk down on the earth's surface so heavily that any decent animal can hear or feel this for yards and yards. And because they have to stand on their back legs, they cannot slink properly either.
Hopeless for slinking. Hopeless for pouncing. But good for opening cat food containers.

#Mew Too. Unwanted touching.

We cats have private body areas just like humans. 
No, we do not want strangers to grope us in certain areas - the butt, under the tail, or just before the tail, the belly or even all the way down the back.
Yet humans ignore our feelings and purrsist in doing this. They will pet us. 
They put their hands onto and into our private places and then are upset if we nip them.
What else are we meant to do? Just put up with it?
Message to humans: Respect our bodies. Don't touch without our consent. 
Or get bitten.

* Coming shortly, my guide to human management and training

#Mew Too. Stop human pick ups.

What can a cat do?
A huge human swoops down, lifts you up with your legs dangling, and then clasps you to her/his chest for an unwanted cuddle.
It's upsetting. It's disgusting. It's a gross intrusion into purrsonal space.
Most of us cats do not like being picked up. Least of all by strangers. We have not given our purrmission for this. 
If we wanted to get to a human chest, we could purrfectly well climb up with our claws, like climbing a tree. 
What gives them the right to do this to us?
Larry the Downing St cat deals with this in his own way. He window-silled President Trump. He blew off minister Rory Stewart. And his ears showed purrfectly clearly what he thought of the Boorish Johnson photo op. Indeed, he made the prime minister stoop to get into the photo.
Felines, awake. Join the feline Mew Too Movement. Stop human pick ups NOW.


 *Next week. Unwanted Touching

INTRODUCING MYSELF - AUTHOR GEORGE

Dear Readers,
Just a few words to let you know about myself, now that I have taken over from my Uncle George.
I am the published author of A-Z. A Cat's Guide to Humans.  
(My uncle wrote a book but shamefully the publishers refused to credit him: giving credit to Celia Haddon instead.)
As you can see from my picture, I am not a cat that allows humans to mess me about.
I instructed my agent that the book would only come out, if I was given due credit. So there is my name on the cover.
At last a book by a cat.
The book describes the ethology of so-called Homo Sapiens and gives valuable hints on how to live with the species.
I have had to soften my opinions a little in the book, in order to stay within feline political correctness. 
This blog will reveal the hard hitting truths behind the book.... don't miss the revelations to come....
Next week - why we need a Mew Too movement. 

 

The cats that helped....

It is time to retire, to relax and do more sleeping. I started this blog the best part of 12 years ago when I was a kitten. I had loads of energy then, but now I find I am getting tired. My arthritis is playing up too.

Fluffy and Cayenne relaxing

I did not write this blog on my own. It was written with the help of three friends Fluffy, Cayenne and Chico and typed by Michelle Schulder of Canada. She also typed in letters by many other Canadian cats, and I cannot thank her enough.  As humans go, she is one of the best - even if that is not saying much!
Nephew George (his photo is above) will be introducing himself next week and is already busy at the word processor. Because of human interference with my sex life, George is my nearest relative. He has worked very hard to get proper qualifications and is an author in his own right -- but that is for him to tell you next week.

Goodbye all my readers. I shall be doing some hard sleep work, dreaming of mice rather than letters.

Of mice, moonlight and Colin Firth

Dear George,

I’m thinking of becoming a magician! Do you know of any cats that turned magicians?

Last night I’ve watched with my mommy “Magic in the moonlight”. I loved the movie!

I love Colin Firth (hope you like him too)

Anyway, in the movie, right in the beginning, he makes a whole elephant to disappear!

Wow! Just like this - magic! I’ve got hooked on the movie and the tricks performed by world magicians! So, I was thinking to perform a magician’s trick for my mummy’s birthday entitled “Mouse on a run in the moonlight” I have the “moon” as you can see in the photo attached and I know the trick to get the mouse in! 

But, how do I make it stay inside that light globe and run like a guinea pig on a treadmill? That’s where I need your help! What do you think? Can we make it work?

With much appreciation

Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,

First catch your mouse! Then kill it. I don't think it will stay in that beautiful moon, whatever you do, if it is still alive. It will drop or leap out. And then you have a living mouse on the floor running around the house - something which scares human beings. 

They are a fearful species when it comes to rodents. They don't catch them. They don't eat them. And when we try to help out by bringing one in the house, they often stand on chairs shrieking. Now this is fun for us, but apparently not for them.
So, anything involving a mouse, will not work for a human.
Yours
George.
PS. My nephew, George 11 (see right photo),  is trying very hard to learn how to type with his paws. Readers will learn why next week. And also why the photo at the top has changed. 

Cats, sunburn and worse

Dear George,
I have a question for you and, hopefully you’ll have an answer for me!
Do cats get sunburns? The reason I’m asking is because I live on a Greek island and some days the heat is just too much! It is true I’m fortunate enough to live in a beautiful place by the sea but there is not much shade where I could hide from the blasting heat!
You see, I’m black just like you and the plant you see in the photo attached doesn’t provide me with proper shade!
My humans call me to come inside when they leave for work but, some days I just don’t feel like being locked inside the house. They leave me a bowl of water but nothing else! They worry I can get sunburns! Do you have any suggestions?
My mum is really interested in getting your opinion on this topic!
With warmest thanks   
Bad Boy Spiros 

Dear Spiros,
Yes, cats can get sunburned, mainly on places without hair like the inside of the ear of on the nose leather. The skin gets red, it's painful so we scratch it, and that is probably when humans notice.
But there's another danger - skin cancer. This is mainly found in cats that have white areas of skin, round their ear tips or face. These cats may need the affected area of their ears taken off by the vet. 
So what can be done about it. The single most important thing for cats in sunny areas is that they should stay in the shade during the heat of the sun. That may mean keeping them indoors from about 10am to about 4pm. Once we get used to this it's not too bad. It just means a siesta. After all we are dawn and twilight animals, so this routine suits us.
Sunblock? Yes, but don't let your human put human sunblock on us. Why not? Well zinc oxide is dangerous to dogs and probably to cats. And for cats there are other dangerous ingrediates -  homosalate, octyl slicylate, and ethylhexyl salicylate. These are fine for humans but bad for cats. Alternative products, like aloe vera, may be dangerous too.
There are now special pet products available. Get your humanm to buy these for your nose and ears. And make sure your human takes you to the vet if there are red and scratched areas on you.
Sometimes we need those hateful vets.
Yours,
George

PS. Sphynx cats or other hairless varieties shouldn't be let out into harsh sun.

Do not use any products with homosalate, octyl salicylate or ethylhexyl salicylate.

Read more at: https://wagwalking.com/cat/condition/sunburn

Do not use any products with homosalate, octyl salicylate or ethylhexyl salicylate.

Read more at: https://wagwalking.com/cat/condition/sunburn

Do not use any products with homosalate, octyl salicylate or ethylhexyl salicylate

Read more at: https://wagwalking.com/cat/condition/sunburn

How cats use cars

Dear George
Why does my human not like it when I climb up on the roof of her car? Doesn't she understand I am only trying to keep vigil so that I can ward off any would be intruders? How can I convey to her that I need higher lookouts to be able to provide even better surveillance and also more of them? This will also help me to spot prey but I won't leave any as a gift according to your previous advice! It is very hard work but if we can get them learn one thing at a time that way we can slowly make them better assistants to ourselves and our objectives.
Yours
Rupert

Dear Rupert,
Humans have not the slightest idea of how useful a parked car can be. They are like trees for urban cats. We can sit on them in order to be vigilant; we can hide below them; we can warm ourselves up on the bonnet of a car that is still warm; and we can leave scent messages on them.
As you say, they don't understand. They have the cheek to object when occasionally we leave paw prints on the car yet they don't give us any decent alternative high sitting points. Why not? Because they don't have the imagination to know we want them.
 So what can we do about this? Just be patient and purrhaps get them to read this blog.
Yours
George

Of cats and feline temper.....

Dear George, 

I think I have an anger management and impatience issue! Don’t get me wrong – I do a lot of soul-searching and self-development work! I meditate, I do yoga (as you can see in the photo attached), I chant (ah! you should listen to my meowing repertoire) and, still, at times, I feel like smacking someone, especially my humans when they don’t understand or pretend do not understand and are slow reacting to my demands! They say I’m high maintenance! Of course I am – I’m royalty after all, right? But, if I snap it won’t be pretty! So, George, do you think it’s me? What do I do?

Impatiently yours,

CAT Victoria

Dear Victora,
You are not alone. Dealing with humans on a daily basis can be absolutely maddening. It's been argued that humans can think but, apart from "higher" order thoughts such as Freudian analysis, Brexit and the God particle, it seems to me that they are just dumb animals. They lack both wisdom and understanding.
Be patient. I know you can be, because all cats are patient enough to sit at a mouse hole waiting for a mouse to poke its nose out. Apply this patience and your own purrsistence to your relationship with humans. They may have poor purrception but they can be trained. Do not give up. 
Yoga for cats works. It is true that we do have a little difficulty with one of the five guidelines for a harmonious life – asteya, non-stealing, but we are truly skilled in brahmacharya, the wise use of energy.
Yours
George.
PS. My nephew George is working on a book that will help cats in their dealings with humans.  It will be published in the UK this September.

Food bowls - what we like and what we don't.

Dear George,

I’m still scratching my head (metaphorically only) to understand why so much fuss about our food and water bowls. I never paid attention to what other cats eat or drink from because I took it for granted that we all eat and drink from stainless steel bowls but certainly this isn’t the case! 
Last night I paid a “welcome to the neighbourhood” visit to my next door kitty and, of course, since she’s the newest on the block I felt like it was my responsibility to check her food, water, surroundings, etc.- you know, just in case that one day I’d like to eat at her place! I’ve seen that she’s eating and drinking from plastic bowls that display little paws and cute kitty faces. 
I run back home to grab my mummy to show her these cute bowls! Oh boy, I still don’t know if that was a good idea since my mummy started lecturing this kitty’s human on the dangers of plastic bowls. She was firing at the poor guy strange names like mold, bacteria, PBA which impairs brain and neurological function, can create cat acne which actually is an allergic reaction and so she went on and on! I hope she didn’t scare the kitty or her human – both seems to be very nice!

George, what do you know about this topic? What bowls are safe for us?

Yours, 

Kitty K

Dear Kitty K,
I feel rather smug. I eat from an eco-bowl made from bamboo - https://www.becopets.com/cat-bowl It works well. I have a strong tongue (see photo of my friend Toby) and I need a stable dish.

Great strong groovy tongue

I don't care much for plastic (though I will eat from it if I must) because it has a smell that I can smell but humans can't. Nor do I like stainless steel because if my clumsy human trips on it or drops it, the noise frightens me. I can also see my reflection in it which can be scary. 
Ceramic is OK - that is what I have for my water bowls. I will also eat from them. They are more stable than plastic. I like more than one water bowl not next to the food bowl. We don't eat and drink at the same time like humans. It's not natural. And I like my bowl to be somewhere where I can eat while looking outwards, not eat looking into a wall. Seems safer that way somehow.
As for cute pictures on bowls, ignore them. They are there to make humans buy the bowl.  If I was choosing a bowl it would smell of mouse!
Yours
George