Farewell my lovely Abby the Tabby.

Dear George,
I am distraught. I have lost my playmate, Abby the silver Tabby. We spent hours and hours with each other - chasing each other through a tunnel, poking each other, rolling around on our backs, biffing each other, embracing each other in a rough way. It was such fun.
Now she has gone. I am betrayed by Celia who packed her into a cat carrier, handed her to two strangers, who drove off down the track with her. I shall never see her again and there is nobody to play with.
Tilly, my tortoiseshell companion cat, dislikes me. I try to play but she just runs away. Would you believe it? She lay on her back on the concrete outside the house and rolled in pleasure once she knew Abby had gone. She's a real loner and I can't see what Celia sees in her.
Here are some of Celia's videos with Abby and a photo of me and Abby counter surfing. My heart is broken.
Yours sorrowfully
Toby.

Dear Toby,
Life is full of greetings and departures. You were Abby's mentor. You helped her grow from a frightened kitten (here) to a domesticated pet. She owes her happiness, in large part, to you. Try to remember that and be glad you could help her.
Now she is setting out on a new and happy life, in a home she will never have to leave, with a young human couple who will make good pets. She is young. They are young. She can live to be 20 years old with them: something she couldn't do with your older pet, Celia. 
Yours sympathetically
George

Who's my father? Try the armpit test or quit worrying and be yourself

Dear George, 
Hope you can help as I’m living a big dilemma. I know who my biological mother is, I know who my adopted mother is, I know who my adopted father is but how would I know who my biological father is? When humans are looking for child support they do a DNA test and the “bad guy” ends up paying until the human kitten finishes university or is 21 years old. Well, in most cases we don’t get to live that long so our biological fathers won’t have to supply a daily fresh mouse for the next 21 years!
However, I don’t think it’s fair not to make them bring a mouse once in a while! 

My biological mother was rescued when she was very young and very pregnant! I was one of the kittens in the litter. The human who rescued my mother kept all of us so I had a very happy kittyhood! But, I wonder ….could that stray coming for dinner in the backyard be my father? Should I approach him? Ask him for a DNA test?

George, what cats do in such situations?

Eager to hear from you
Speedy

Dear Speedy,
It's a wise cat that knows its own father. I don't. A fair number of humans don't either: they only think they do. The joy of feline sex is that two or three different toms father a litter. It's nature's way of ensuring diversity. Humans have to have rules about this: we do it naturally. Gingers, blacks, black-and-whites, grey (all shades of) tortoiseshells and tabbies are all brought up as equals.
Forget your father. It's only boring humans care about paternity, and get DNA tests, and worry and upset themselves. It's mothers that count for us. They feed us and teach us. There's no kitten support from our fathers.
Yes, if that stray cat in the backyard looks like you, sniff the air and see if you can recognise a familiar scent. It's the armpit test and some believe cats can recognise their relatives. But that might just be catlore.
Purrsonally I never give my father a second thought. I am Glorious Me and that is all that matters.
George.  

Is it play or is it fighting? Toby reveals his play technique.

Watch this on video here

Dear George,
I am trying to help Celia train her foster kitten, Abby the Tabby, to behave well towards other cats. It can be tiresome and sometimes downright embarrassing. She whizzes up to me, rubs against me, and shows excessive affection. Then she plays...
And plays and plays. And she is very rough. She body slams me. I pounce on her but I never have my claws out. How am I going to teach her to play less roughly?
Yours exhausted,
Toby.

Dear Toby,
I can tell that she is having a great time because there is no hissing, spitting, claws out, no tufts of hair and no blood.  It's play not discipline - thanks to your good manners. You are twice her size and would really beat her up if you chose to. And you don't, even when she jumps on you at speed.
Human pets don't understand us and sometimes think we are playing when we are fighting. So thank you for posting this video. It will help humans recognise play from fighting.
I am not sure if you will succeed in teaching Abby to play less roughly, Toby. But playing with her may help her to live with another adult cat when she finds her forever home.
Yours
George
PS. If you live Oxfordshire and can give Abby a home go to Sunshine Cat Rescue.

Never trust a handsome stranger!

Dear George,
About two months ago I was inspecting my territory one more time before retiring for the night when I’ve seen this handsome stranger wondering around my alley. He looked a bit confused and hungry but irresistibly handsome so, I invited him in for dinner. Now, 60 plus days later…look at what happened to me! But, I’m neither upset nor ashamed; I love my babies and I think they all are beautiful, little miracles! Actually I had to hide them away from my humans as they constantly wanted to hold them, pet them, and kiss them. That’s a perfect example of why human kittens don’t behave later in life. My human mommy is so excited about my babies – she thinks they are Godsend but she’s not the one breastfeeding or teaching them mouse-ing! Anyway, since she wants to keep us all I made her promised me that we’ll all go through the “snip-snip” phase once my babies are old enough. In the meantime…I wonder where did the handsome Casanova vanish? Probably to more exotic places? Another alley? Another dinner?
Anyway, if anybody sees him…please catch him and….. fix him!
Any other suggestions George?
With loving purrs
Kitty-Kitty 

Dear Kitty-Kitty,
It's the  tom's that get the pleasure and it's the mums that get the kittens.... That's feline life, I am afraid. I am posting a photo here of some other kittens near me that are the result of a single night of pleasure with a tabby-and-white!  

Will you ever see that gorgeous hulk of tomcat  again? Probably not. You have to accept that a one night stand meant more to you than him. But being neutered (as I am) will allow you to swap the hurly burly of a night on the tiles to the restful pleasure of the sofa.
As soon as your babies get older, after about a week, you should encourage your humans to handle them.  It will help the kittens learn how to manage humans in later life - how to be relaxed with these large pets and how to train them.  
Yours restfully,
George
PS. There's a nice link to kitten advice here.

NO privacy? Humans are invading my right to be a private feline.

 
Dear George,

I hope you can help me with a rather delicate matter. I live with two humans, who I deemed suitable around this time last year, to be my assistants. They perform quite well if I’m honest-there is always somewhere comfy and warm to sleep, I don’t go without food, and there is a fine selection of toys provided. But, I’m starting to feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake. And I hate that.

You see, the one with the longer hair keeps taking photographs of me, and publishing them online. She has them taken before I know it-me playing, me exploring, even me sleeping!!! Some of these photos are embarrassing, especially when I’m playing with cheap toys that aren’t worth rejecting just to see the look on her face, or when I’m sleeping in less than glamorous locations. She has even put up photos of me WORKING for food. These photos are being published without my consent, and I am getting really sick of it. Surely I have the exclusive rights to my own image? WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? Do you have any advice on what I can do to stop this happening? I don’t want to leave the house altogether, as it is satisfactory apart from this constant invasion of my privacy. I enclose some of the photos she has posted to illustrate my point.

Please help George,

Yours purringly,

Len (AKA Bishop Len Brennan, President of Mingtasmia).

P.S. The photos show me sleeping on a cardboard box (it was in the sun when I jumped up!), playing with an egg box full of treats, and sitting for a reward. All humiliating, I’m sure you’ll agree. 

Dear Len,
I have no comfort for you. Humans are addicted to taking our photos and putting them online - Facebook, blogs, YouTube. They even invade the privacy of kittens, would you believe?
I have utterly failed to train my human out of this behaviour. And did you know that the latest craze is for photos of hamsters' bottoms? What a disgusting species they are!
Yours in deepest gloom
George.
PS. Congratulations on your elevation to a bishopric in the footsteps of the famous Father Ted bishop. You will achieve celibacy more easily than some recent bishops!

Dear George,
I need some advice. I am here with my brothers and sisters at Sunshine Cat Rescue.  I am looking for a home.
Every now and again a human, or sometimes two humans at a time, turn up and take a look at us kittens. How am I going to choose the best human?
What should I look for? They all look rather the same to me - very little fur except at the top of their heads, loud voices, and strange smells. The women seem to have scent coming from their bodies, while the men (at least the ones with bald chins) have scent coming from their faces.
What is even stranger is that none of them can purr. They can't even miaow properly. And they are awfully clumsy.
Which one should I choose? And how to I make it clear to a dumb animal that he or she is the chosen one?
Yours anxiously
Riley.

Dear Riley,
How wise of you to get advice before making your choice. Choosing the right human is probably the most important thing you will ever do in your life. And there are ways to make sure you get the best one.
Don't judge on looks. Judge them on temperament. Humans that are middle aged or even disabled can sometimes make the best pets. While young humans are fun; they are a big commitment. And they are more likely to be badly behaved.
The ideal human pet speaks quietly, moves slowly and handles cats gently. It doesn't matter if they are rich or poor, but it matters how loving they are. If they love cats, the more vocal ones may make noises like "Aahhh" or "Isn't he sweet."  Or they will just look longingly at you.
So how do you make your preference clear? Walk up to the human and rub against their legs, if you can. If you are in a cat pen then walk right up to the bars. Gaze upwards to the human. Humans, unlike cats, find a long gaze irresistible. A glance across a crowded room  often starts a human love affair.
So look long, purr loudly, and (if they come into your pen) climb on to them! That usually does it. Almost every human loves a kitten!
Yours
George.
PS. And start training them as soon as you get into your new home. A well trained human is a purrfect pet.

Online Cat, George's Christmas message - snow, turkey and a new home for Blossom.

Dear Readers,
It's Christmas again. That time of year when humans are particularly irrresponsible and try to dress us up in Santa hats, tied tinsel round our necks or think it is funny to offer us champagne. Do not, I repeat, do not co-operate with any of this. It's downright dangerous to eat Santa hats, tinsel or drink alcohol. I know of a Siamese (not Miss Ruby Foo next door) who drank some champagne from a mantlepiece glass, got dizzy and fell off the mantelpiece and broke her leg.

Tilly

My advice to you is to find a warm corner in the spare room and avoid most of the festivities. There is one exception. Turkey. Good cooks start cooking this early in the day and there may be interesting bits of skin or gristle thrown away at the start. Pull down the trash can and have a look inside.
Just before lunchtime, this huge bird is usually taken out of the oven and put on a kitchen surface while your human makes gravy, checks on the roast potatoes and puts on the sprouts. While a raw sprout makes quite a good toy for the kitchen floor, the cooked ones are of no interest.

Toby

Focus on that turkey. This is the one moment in an otherwise unpleasantly human-filled day, when they may be so distracted they do not notice your presence on the table or kitchen counter. If this is so, get stuck in. There's something called the Pope's nose on the back of the bird which you might be able to tear off and run off with.
The second chance of turkey occurs later when they have finished eating that course, and the dirty plates are set aside. Then greedy humans eat a Christmas pudding, and it is while they are busy with this, that you may be able to help clean the plates.

Blossom needs a home

Snow? Well there's talk of it this Christmas so I am illustrating this blog with some snow filled photos. Personally I like a little stroll in the snow after the Christmas dinner, but only a short excursion. It's too cold to be left outside too long.
I want to thank Fluffy for her contributions this year, and also to mention Blossom, a kitten currently taking up space in my house. She was born on the street, just like a famous human who was born in a manger. She was picked up starving and is still nervous of strange humans. She wants to adopt a kind patient human who can give her a quiet home in 2014. That's her on the right .
Happy Christmas all you cats out there
George.

Slow down for cats - a new feline campaign

 Dear George,
I live in a small village in the Cotswolds and metal cats troar through the village at high speed almost all the time. It is really frightening and the worst time is during the dusk, just when we cats are coming out to hunt. 
As far as I know there is nothing we can do about these lethal moving objects. I have sniffed round them, when they are stationery and can report that they are definitely not alive. They have some kind of automatic "life" which roars and makes them go off at high speed with a human inside.
Well, we know humans are not usually very bright but one of our village humans has come up with a good idea. She has put up a sign on the road, warning the cars to slow down. Here is a photo of it. 
I would like to see one of these in every village. If there are no kittens there, then the sign could just read "CATS." What do you think?
Yours
Penelope Purr

Dear Penelope,
I think it is a brilliant idea. I wish we could get more of these. Cats die on the road in their thousands in my country and nobody seems to care. The cars just speed on their way without stopping to see if they can help. These metal things are completely uncaring. Sometimes I think the cats that die outright are luckier than those who crawl away and die in agony in the hedge.
Maybe we could start a campaign for more "Slow Kitten" signs.
Yours
George

Emergency - a vicious kitten and a sadly demented human

Dear George,
My household is completely upset by this small tortoiseshell and white kitten who has the impertinence to harass me. 
When she first arrived, it wasn't too bad. She was kept in quarantine with an infection so I just lost one room of my territory. Then she expanded her territory into a second room. As the weather has been fine that wasn't too bad either. I spent a lot of time out.
But the other day I slipped in after my human just to check out the possibilities of a second meal (found a few fragments as you can see). At first she just sniffed me then she started biffing me. She ran up and down the room landing small kitten punches as she passed.
It was very upsetting. I had to get the human to let me out. Me who is five times her size had to retreat. How can I get rid of her? She is a rescue foster kitten, but it is me who needs rescuing.
Yours,
Toby, Disgusted of Ringwood.

Dear Toby,
You have a problem and that problem is not the kitten, but your pet human. If she is moving into rescuing kittens, your home won't be your own again. Humans with a pathological rescue tendency fill the home with rescued cats. Sometime, when this human psychological condition gets too overwhelming, the place becomes a death trap - scores of cats, disease, and not enough litter trays.
Act now and act firmly. I suggest you spray along the door which opens into the kittens room. This should get a message to your human that you do not want the intruder in your life. If you do get into the room, do not let food distract you, biff back. You should be able to fight off a kitten without using your claws. Use your weight instead.
If you are lucky, this will be a temporary aberration and the kitten will shortly disappear to a new home. Cross your paws, Toby. And pray to that Higher Feline that looks after the welfare of cats.
Yours with sympathy,
George.
For sad news about Gerry read http://everycat.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/gerry-little-cat-made-of-fun-farewell.html

Dear George,
Should I marry my human?  This is the issue of the day, now that Karl Lagerfeld the fashion designer has admitted that he wants to marry his cat, Choupette. He has fallen in love with her.
Nothing surprising about that, you might say, - the falling in love. We know that humans can become almost entirely emotionally focussed upon their cat or cats. Some refuse to go on holiday or even away for the day, because it will mean an absence from their loved one. 
But marriage? This isn't really a feline relationship. We do friendships but not marriage. I wonder if it would just make the human even more hopelessly dependent. What do you think?
Yours doubtfully
Beauty.

Dear Beauty,
Marriage between a cat and a human would not be a good idea. Sure, humans might want it and might enjoy it. But it will put an awful strain on the cat. We felines like our freedom - freedom to walk down the road for a second breakfast, freedom to sit by another person's fire while our humans are out, freedom not to come when called. Marriage would be the union of one person and one cat for life - no two timing.
Besides, it is unnatural.There, I have said it. We don't do that sort of thing. Those of us lucky enough to have kept our sexual powers, go out on to the roof tops to mate. Most litters of kittens have more than one father. We queue up for it! It makes perfect sense, in an evolutionary way, to have a diverse litter so that more kittens may survive. That's not the way of marriage.
You have also spotted the other major problem. Humans can become hopelessly dependent on us - Karl Lagerfeld is a good example of this. We need to help them be a little more adult about their love for us and a little less needy. Marriage won't help: it will harm these pathetic humans.
Yours sincerely
George.
PS. I wouldn't want to marry Karl Lagerfeld or even have a civil union with him. He's too old for me.

I'm a Bristol kitten - elite, special and very important indeed

Dear George,
I'm one of a group of elite kittens.... very special indeed. I've been enrolled in the Bristol kitten study. This means that experts will be checking up on my progress as I grow older. They will be able to tell if a good kitten education helps protect me in later life from stress and perhaps even disease. 
They need about 600 more kittens from the UK by the end of the year, so if anybody reading this has a new kitten get in touch with them. They'd love to hear from you.
We Bristol kittens are proud to be helping with important human research.
Love Tootles.

Dear Tootles,
Congratulations. Anything which helps Homo sapiens understand cats better is to be welcomed. I recommend that all UK kittens sign up here now. Humans need all the help we can give them, poor old things.
The human species is odd. Mine spends a lot of time on "research" at her computer when she is actually looking up Facebook and generally wasting her time when she could be tickling my tummy.  In short bursts - I only like about 30 seconds then I swipe her.
So don't let this human research fool you into thinking that humans are more intelligent than cats. We have innate and instinctive knowledge which far outweighs human wit. 
We know humans are stupid because they demonstrate it daily.
There you are sitting near the open cat flap. You make a polite meow to your human. There is no response. You make another one. "Why can't you use the cat flap?" they say.
No way is it worth dignifying that with a response. Why don't I use the cat flap? Because, you pathetic human, I don't choose to. You make a third meow. Finally the human servant does its duty and opens the door to you.
Don't spoil your human, Tootles. Train him or her in obedience from the very beginning. A good human pet should have the following duties - open the door on command, feed on command, get out of bed on command, leave the armchair for you on command, move over in the bed to give you more space on command..... and so forth.
Start as you mean to go on.
Yours
George

Human kittens and how to react to them.....

Dear George,

I’m completely confused! This morning I woke-up in a little quirky noise or maybe it was giggling? I don’t know! All I know is that I woke up suddenly and what did I see? This little human kitten staring at me and trying to reach me (as you can see in the picture)! Hm! Who WAS he in the first place? And how did he get into my house?
Groggy and confused I looked around to make sure that I was still in my house and yes, my humans were around. So, who could he be and how did he get into my house? Definitely he wasn’t a rescue – too well dressed and fed! I heard my humans saying something about a plane! George, I don’t know what a plane is or if it can bring babies, but I was under the impression that it was the stork that brings the babies! But, we live in the 21st Century and maybe the planes (whatever they are) are bringing babies now.
Anyway, my dilemma is: should I adopt the human kitten and make him one of my own or just ignore him? I have to admit that I like him – he’s soft and smells good. I rubbed against him and I rubbed his belly – he was giggling and giving me big kisses. George, what do I do?
Zoe 

Dear Zoe,
Don't panic!  You just have to make allowances for their clumsiness  and the way they lag behind feline kittens. Our kittens grow up in about 8-12 weeks. They can manage their own toilets, wash themselves and feed themselves well within that period. Human kittens remain helpless much longer. They are - I have to say it - very slow compared with our feline kittens.
That doesn't mean they can't be trained. I can see from the photo that you have made a good start in teaching him that he must ask permission before he touches you. Your paw is ready for a quick pain-free swat and your ears are back. Yes, the sheer size of these slow developers is worrying as is their pathetic clumsiness and lack of gracefulness compared with a true kitten. But it is not their fault.
Just put the normal training programme into being. Calm gentle behaviour is rewarded by rubbing and closeness. Excited or rough behaviour earns either a tap from the paw or (better still) you remove yourself altogether. Getting high up, where the human kitten cannot reach you, will ensure some peace and quiet during the day.
And yes they do smell good!
Yours
George

 

I'm only a kitten but....

Hi George,
I am just a kitten but I want you to know that I am learning fast in a human home. My mother had me in a cardboard box and me and my three other siblings have been romping round this human cottage from the moment we left the box. The two humans here handle us and play with us and pick us up, and generally make much of us. As a result we are learning how live with this other inferior species and how to deal with their behaviour.
But what about other kittens? What about the ones that are born in shelters? How will they learn?
Love
Susie.

Dear Susie,
They won't learn very well, is the answer. Too many rescue places are still putting mothers and kittens into cat pens - often in a "quieter" part of the shelter. So they grow up only meeting a few humans and only for a little part of the day.
So when they get outside into the wide world, it is a struggle for them to know how to train and live with their new humans. It's like meeting an elephant for the first time, or even a whole family of elephants, and having to work out how to make sure these huge animals do what you want..... not easy, Susie.
Luckily you have had a good start in life. Some of the better rescue charities in the UK are beginning to realise that kittens do better if they are fostered in a human home. That way, they learn to live with humans from the start and begin at a very early age to pick up the basics of human training.
Love George.
PS. This blog entry is late due to my secretary, Celia, going away for the day for a "college" reunion. She didn't learn much there when she was an adolescent and her absence from her duties this Saturday has sorely tried my temper.

Be my Valentine and thank you all, guys.

Dear George,

I think I am a bit more spiritual and romantic lately. Why I think so? Well, you know that I’ve always prided my self for being “the cool, intellectual” cat; writing, reading and researching. But, since my recent “trial” I changed and I would like to take this opportunity to thank a few and show my gratitude!

First and foremost, I want to thank God!

Then, I want to thank Amanda, my lovely guardian angel, for giving my spine and tail’s first sign of life back. You, moggies in UK are lucky to have Amanda there. She is the Head of Health Kinesiology UK, an excellent practitioner and teacher. She can be reached by phone at 07938 851750 or by email at theshwanrooms@gmail.com or via her website at: www.subtleenergy.com – she‘s listed under Amanda Brooks. She can do wonders for both us and our human pets .

I also want to thank Dr. Cindy Kneebone and her staff at the East York Animal Clinic, a holistic pet care clinic in Toronto (www.holisticpetvet.com) for the excellent care I’ve received. Dr. Kneebone is a surgeon with a kind heart who combines traditional western medicine with alternative medicine. She gave me acupuncture, chiropractic and laser treatments along with homeopathic remedies, supplements and vitamins.

I want to thank you George and Celia for your friendship and love. I want to thank Harvey, my Brit bunny friend, Oliver, Garry and their ape for the love they sent my way.

Last, but not least, I thank my sister and my human parents for their unconditional love, support, massages and kisses

The waves of love sent my way were amazing and made me understand the miracles of prayers and the power of love.

I feel that you all can be my Valentine! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love

Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
I have always known there is a God. Sometimes, if I am having a particularly wonderful day in the fields surrounding my home, I can almost hear the faint sound of a purring Higher Feline Power. At the side of my sight, just out of my focus, I have sometimes seen, or thought I have seen, an angelic whisker quivering with joy. Once I thought I saw, for a second or two, a vision of two bright golden eyes - huge, far bigger than my eyes, blazing with love.

These are the moments that give me that feeling of deepest serenity, that somehow, somewhere, it all has meaning. That despite the feral kittens dying of cat flu, the elderly cats chucked out into the street to die because their owners won't pay the vet bills, or just the pain we all feel when we are ill, that in the end all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well. I just go back to my life after these experiences and go on living it ... as indeed I should.

Dr Kneebone has done you proud. I can see from the way you are tucked into that basket that you are feeling much better. However, don't get too soft about vets. They may have their uses, but we don't want to admit to that. I had a dream last night that my vet was brought into my kitchen in a very large cat carrier. She crawled out of it and lay on the kitchen table. I kneaded her from head to toe with all my claws out and she just lay there quivering with fear.

It was the best dream I have had in ages.

Love George

A feline intruder into my territory.... or a friend?

Dear George,
It’s past midnight and I barely can hold my head up not to fall asleep on the keyboard but I MUST write this letter because I smell trouble in my house. Actually, I’m afraid to go to sleep or better said…..I’m afraid to wake up in the morning. Let me explain. If you remember I was adopted after my human took a trip to Las Vegas. I was extremely happy; I settled in my new home quite nicely; I started an intensive training with my human BUT yesterday I heard him talking about taking a trip to Mexico. You know by now what’s happening when he takes a trip, right? Yes! It possibly means another cat! And now I’m afraid to go to sleep only to wake up in the morning looking at a tabby “Juanita”. I have mixed feelings (due to the recent letters) about sharing the house with another cat. How can I stop my human from going away or better yet, how can I train him to change his habit?
Sleepy but worried,
Vegas

Dear Vegas,
This is one of the worst human habits - their idea that they can just fling another feline into our territory and expect us to accept the intruder. We are not dogs. In nature we would only live with our relatives. Yet they expect us to welcome an unrelated stranger into our midst. Sometimes I despair of humans..... their inability to learn anything about us and their irresponsible habit of adding cats to the household.
You can't stop them, Vegas. You can't change them, Vegas. You can train them out of some behaviour but probably this is a human behaviour problem that won't respond to training. If they bother to read this, they should know that the introduction must be slow, starting with the newcomer in a crate or the spare room (with full litter and food facilities). Bedding should be swapped between you and the new kitten (sounds good that is is female rather than male) so that the proper "family" scent can be developed.
Humans are scent blind and lack our exquisitely sensitive noses. Their honkers or schnozzles are pretty useless organs. It is the scent of the intruder which will initially upset you. However if the scents are slowly mixed and she aquires your scent and visa versa, you may find it in your heart to accept her.
You are young, Vegas. She will be young too. I hope and pray that this willl work out good for you and that, after the initial upset, you will acquire not a competitor but a play mate and a friend. The real pity is that you didn't get the chance to do a joint adoption, you and a littermate adopting the humans together.
Humans... idiots but we love them. Sometimes.
Love George

Kittens, kittens, kittens..... and the recession too.

Hi George.
I'm told you are a cat of knowledge and many friends so I thought I'd speak to you about my humans and their plight. You see they are part of a charity called Lincoln Cat Care that tries to find homes for cats and kittens that do not have human servants. But for some silly human reasons (something to do with money and financial climate I'm told) they have had a huge influx of cats and are really struggling to find homes and look after all us cats and kittens.
My story is a good example. I was what they call a “stray”. I call it free. But cold. And hungry! In my first season I met a big Tom and fell for his charms. Of course he cleared off and come the day when my kittens where due I was scared and didn't really know what to do. I went to the garden of a human who had been giving me and some others some food and had my kittens in the open in his yard on some bricks. That was Sunday 17 April. On the Monday a lovely human came to scoop us all up and take us to her home. She is now our willing servant, totally chained to the power of the meow!
She tells me that she is a new volunteer with Lincoln Cat Care and that I was very lucky as all their foster carers were full up when they heard about me and they would have had to turn me away if she hadn't come forward! Can you imagine that? I would never have found the joy of a good chin rub, and given my size and the fact that I really struggle to care for all four kittens I doubt if all of them would have made to to their two week birthday. A man she knows called Ed Cole is a pro DVD editor and camera man, he offered to put this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_pRK0sDEyw> film together to try to raise awareness of the cats just waiting for the right human to take them home, but now we need people to spread the word!If you search on You Tube for Lincoln Cat Care it's the first one.
Do you think any of your friends could get their humans to watch it and tell their friends? Obviously my kittens aren't up for adoption yet. But many other cats are! The website; http://www.lincolncatcare.com; has details of the majority, or you can call them.
Apparently my kittens have to go with me to something called a V E T. I've had my flea and worm treatment but they were to young, now they are old enough to get the V E T to do it, he's also going to check us all in case the human has missed anything. So I'd best be off to make sure the human gets them all in the basket, I don't know if she can count!
Thank you so much George,
Lots of love,
Sophia
(and, left to right, Gaynor, Oscar, Shackleton and Silent Bob)

Dear Sophia,
Your friend Ed Cole is just what we need at West Oxon Cats Protection, the charity which rescued me off the street in the first place. We are not yet swamped with kittens, but we have far too many older cats needing homes. The human recession is really making life tough for us cats. People are losing their homes and then discovering they can't find rented accomodation which will let them keep their family cat or dog. Other people, without veterinary insurance, are handing in their cats to us. Still others (humans are so cruel) are just dumping their cats on the street. Finally, there are the people who don't have the money to get their cats neutered or spayed and dump cats with kittens on the street. It is sickening.
Please, you cats out there, see if you can influence your humans to give some money to local cat charities. Money is the best thing. Volunteering is the next best thing. That is the single most helpful human gesture towards our species. Many of us cats have been badly let down by our humans: others are just unfortunate. If you look at our West Oxon website you will see elderly Duke, whose equally elderly human became so ill that she could no longer keep him.
My human, Celia, sometimes despairs of humans. But I pass on feline wisdom. "You can't do everything, but you can do something. So what you can do, do it." Let's flood YouTube, Facebook, and all the other networks with cats needing homes and with cat care videos. Get the message, you dumb humans.
Humans can count but with typical arrogance they think we can't. We can - up to about six or seven which is all the numbers any sensible animal (not humans) needs.
Love George
PS. Had a great deal of trouble getting my secretary, Celia, to type the words. She just drooled over the kitten photo. Babies leave her cold: but kittens....

Are teenagers a new subspecies of humans?

Dear George,

I am becoming extremely concerned. One of my humans seems to have morphed into a new subspecies. It was a smallish retarded kitten taking years to learn how to walk, then becoming a chubbier version of its parents. But now it has shot up in size and its behaviour has changed. The excessive vocalisation of the normal human has changed to grunts. It has dermatological problems on its face - in a word, zits. And it spends hours in its room playing disgustingly loud music. It is also challenging the adults for a top place in the dominance hierarchy. Is there anything I can do to restore harmony in the home.

Love Riley

Dear Riley,

You have two alternatives - leave home or wait. In view of the fact that it is winter in the UK, I suggest the latter. We cats are good at waiting. We do it at mouseholes in order to get out daily meals if we live in the wild. All humans are retards compared with cats, but the teenager subspecies is particularly retarded. It is as if it has forgotten what it learned as a kitten.

The subspecies also has sex on its mind all the time. Yes, disgusting as it is, all the time. We cats wait till the females come into season before getting the mating urge. Teenagers have it all the time. Some of them call it "romance". But they are completely at the mercy of their hormones. The loud music has something to do with this but feline neuroscientists have not yet discovered exactly what is going on.

Avoid the teenager's territory. The room will probably smell awful anyway - of sweat and old socks if it is a male, or of revolting artificial perfume if it is a female. Why humans choose these overwhelming pheromones is beyond me. But I suppose it is something to do with the fact that they have a very poor sense of smell, poor things. We have about seven times as many olfactory cells and twice the olfactory membrane of Homo sapiens.

Goodness knows, Riley, humans are dumb creatures. But the teenage subspecies is even dumber. Hang on in there till summer

Love George

P.S. I have to stand and mew at Celia while she puts this on via the Orange dongle.

Why must humans have kittens of their own?

Dear George,

I do not understand why humans want to have kittens of their own when they have us!

What’s wrong with them? Isn’t serving and loving us sufficient? My humans decided to have a kitten without even asking me! One day I came home and there was this little cry that scared the hack out of me!

Now, I must admit that he is a cute kitten! So cute that he could pass as one of mine. The human kitten is 1 ½ year old now and thinks I’m his mother or something. He tries to kiss me or sleep on me (as you can see in the picture) or feed me. He scares me big time as he screams (with joy) each time he sees me.

I have mixed feelings! I can re-home myself across the street with an elderly couple. I live (on and off) with them for almost 1 year now. My female human is really upset. They want me back home but …..if I come back …I want their full attention.

George, what should I do? Move back home and embrace this kitten as one of mine?

Maybe you or other cats can share some tricks on how to deal with human kittens?

Stunned

Trixy

Dear Trixy,
Most good human owners wish they could neuter and spay their humans. In any cat-human relationship it becomes clear that humans are slave to their sexual urges. They do it all the time. Only a sensible programme of one-off birth control - snip and spay as I call it - will do the trick. Alas, though they can do it to us, we can't do it to them. Our only possibility is to purrsuade them to go ahead and choose neutering or its human equivalent (a choice which they don't allow us).
It is mystery to me why humans should opt for human kittens in the first place. Children are no substitute for cats. They are born bald, completely helpless, without whiskers (these only grow on maturity or old age), and they cannot walk for months and months. Compared with proper kittens, they are (to speak frankly and without being politically correct) retarded. There is simply no comparison but I am afraid we just have to put up with their funny and unintelligent ways...
Should you move back home with the human kitten? No, but visit at meal times. There is no reason why you should not have two homes. Lots of humans do this. Treat the elderly couple as your home for sleeping, quiet contemplation and normal meals. Pop back to your original home for a second round of meals and a little interaction with the human kitten. Two timing humans is fun for cats.
Speaking of neutering, I have been told (not sure how accurate it is) that some of the Japanese and Chinese comments being put on this blog are sexual. As a cat that has had the snip (unlike my irresponsible owners now luckily too old for reproduction) I am concerned about this. So for the time being - until I can find a Japanese or Chinese cat to translate comments for me - comments that I cannot understand will have to be rejected. Many apologies for any Japanese or Chinese mewing cats out there, whose comments cannot be shown.
Love George
PS. Ways to get away from human kittens include pet gates on the stairs (you can go up: they can't) http://www.pet-gates-direct.com and crates which are nice places to sit as they can't get in. http://www.petamenities.com

Help me find my “inner kitten”!

Dear George,
I’m often told that I’m too serious; too much reading and studying!
But I can’t be laying on my back waiting for my humans to rub my belly
or rolling over making that “small talk” (meow-meow) noise like my sister Fluffy does!
I know she makes them laugh, but I can’t be frivolous! I have an important mission! I have to solve all kind of crisis! I was a cute, playful kitten – see picture attached (Fluffy and me when we were 7 weeks old), but I grew up and I’m more interested in helping other cats and animals. I wish I could manifest more “joie de vivre” in a sense that I could be more like my sister; worry free and always looking for excitement!
George, help me find my inner kitten ☺
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
The first change is attitude. Cultivate an attitude of cattitude. This includes taking for granted all human efforts on your behalf. We cats find that gratitude (if we are strange enough to feel it) simply weighs us down in our cat-humanpet relationship (or as Wicky Wuddler puts it cat-ape relationship). The food, the beds, the caresses are our due. Cat worship is what these apes/humans should be exhibiting. Train 'em harder if they are falling short.
Once you have floated free from gratitude, play. This is the inner kitten bit. Everything that exists is a potential cat toy, from a fallen bean on the kitchen floor, to the hair of your human. Poke, prod, jump, roll, nibble, groom and throw it.
The whole human body is a potential adventure playground for cats. Jump on the groin first thing in the morning. Bite the toes that poke out of the duvet. Place yourself on the abdomen in the small hours and have a thorough wash. Sleep on the lap. Share the shower. Sit on the side of the bath and play boats with any human bits protuding from the foam. Play with human hair from the safety of the top of the armchair. Ambush your human on the stairs, on the sofa, from behind the door....
Tease them. When they have friends over for a meal, dig loudly in any litter trays nearby and mew while you poo. Jump up on the table and start eating the butter. Play with shoe laces. Experience the pleasure of a good ripping noise as you claw your human's tights. Thrill as you rub your fur against their best trousers.
JDI, Cayenne. Just Do It. You're worth it.
Love George

I'm upset about the new kitten. Should I be?

Hello George,
Whicky is a friend of mine and he advised me I to speak to you about my problem.The problem is my new kitten brother, Alfie. He arrived last weekend (from cat rescue aged 12 weeks) and Mom is trying to settle him in with me. I am 8 months old and a bit of a spoilt only boy until now.I've been a bit hissy and growly - and because I am so much bigger and stronger than Alfie, Mom is nervous about leaving us unattended. She introduced us behind a glass door (one either side) and I was very hissy & growly!Then gradually over the weekend she fed us at the same time (one each side of the door) and now I am comfortable near my little brother. BUT Mom closely supervises and I show interest and sniff - and then give a hefty swipe. My claws are usually in ... but sometimes I forget myself.Mom is scared that if she puts Alfie down that I might attack and hurt Alfie. I don't mean to be like this ... I can't help myself.Mom is giving me lots of reassurance but she wonders if you could advise further. Is there anyhting else she should be doing, or not doing? Thank you.
Love Milo

Dear Milo,
Unlike many of us, you seem to have a sensible human. You must have educated her well in the ways of cats. Or perhaps she was already socialised to cats when she was a human kitten. Either way she is being patient and kind. (Not very common among in this pathetic species. We can wait for hours at mouseholes. They want it all now.)
The difficulty for our humans is that they are primarily social animals but we are not. We don't live in packs like dogs do (which is one reason why they fit into human life so well). We weren't designed to do cooperative hunting, like both wolves (dogs) and humans. We hunt alone. We go out alone and we kill mice. Mice are not big enough to share so we don't share our food with others - unless we are mother cats bringing back food for kittens.
That's not to say that we cats are all loners. Some of us are. Some of us will always be unhappy sharing a house. But, if we were in the wild, many of us would live in colonies of related females. The toms would come and go but females would live closely together. The sisters and neices might even help each other raise kittens, share nursing duties, and baby sit.
Where does that leave us house cats? Well humans like more than one cat and they will often bring home a new cat. For us cats this is upsetting. This new cat will not be a relative. It will smell different to us and we identify friends and foe by scent. Any cat that isn't familiar is a foe until it becomes familiar. And even if it is a kitten, well, some of us don't care for kittens much. This all adds up to a period of between 3 to 6 months while we come to terms with the new arrival
What we need is time to accept the change. Next we need the smell to come right. We need the new cat to start smelling of our family - ie smelling of us, and our humans. Swapping bedding form one cat bed to another, installing Feliway, and getting the human to stroke first one cat and then the other will help. We like a nice mixed scent that all the family share. Feliway is always soothing.
A crate for the kitten to be in - large enough for bedding, food and litter tray - is a help. Means you can't swipe at him but you can go close and take a good look. (Crates are useful for sick cats too or for if you take your cat travelling or on visits. I love my crate.).
Finally we need space and resources. We will probably never want to get too close to another unrelated cat. We will live happily in the same house while making sure we are about three metres away at all times. So ask her to help you and the new kitten to avoid each other. That is what we cats do to make social life bearable. You need at least one litter box per cat and at least two different litter locations. It will also help if you are not forced to eat side by side. So two feeding locations will help too.
Keeping our distance is how we cats cope. Your human is being helpful in this. She's obviously a relatively enlightened individual of an otherwise dumb species. She seems to realise that cats are not human - some humans never do.
George.
PS. She's written yet another book under my guidance. See above. Order it for Xmas at www.amazon.co.uk