Stressed, unhappy and never off the litter tray... what's going on?

Dear George,  
I am a very troubled boy, and I hope that you can help me.

 I lived in a nice house with my human, and I liked it very much. I had all my things around me, direct access to the garden and I was very comfortable and relaxed there. It was my house – my home!

 Then about 8 weeks ago, there was lots of disruptions all my things were packed away and I was put in my cat basket and taken to another house – a strange house, with lots of strange smells…and none of them my comforting home smells. Obviously I was distressed by this and began meowing continuously to my human and pacing up and down the rooms. My human tried to comfort me by stroking me and talking softly to me. She also put down worn items of her clothing in different rooms so I could smell her everywhere around the house, but it still didn’t calm me.

 As the weeks went on my agitation grew and I just couldn’t settle. My agitation was made worse by the fact that we are now living in a flat, so I have to go out of my house and down a strange ‘shared’ corridor to get outside. And there is another cat who lives next door to us that uses the corridor too, and he didn’t take kindly to me using it and spat at me. Now I am even more upset. My human bought some Feliway plug ins, and whilst they calm me down for a while, my anxiety comes back.

 I have taken to using my litter tray constantly, sometimes as much as every ten minutes, which has given me a very sore and irritated bottom and I sometimes have a bit of blood in my urine. My human is very, very worried about me and doesn’t know where to turn.

 A few months before the move, I got lost for a number of weeks before I was found and re-united with my human. I was a rather traumatised from the experience, but soon settled down back in my home. So I don’t know if this has anything to do with my reaction now at the house move?

 Can you help me George and help my human to understand why I’m behaving like this and not settling down?

 Yours tearfully,

 Thomas.

Dear Thomas,
There is few things more upsetting to a cat than moving house. There you are settled and happy in your territory, when suddenly your pet human stuffs you in a cat box and turns you out into a strange new place. All the smells are wrong. You don't know where anything is. And it feels very very unsafe.
Most of us hide under the bed for a day or two. But some sensitive cats like you suffer from stress-induced illness. All that going to the litter tray is, I fear, a sign of cystitis. Vets (loathsome people) call it FIC, Feline Idiopathic Cystitis.  "Idiopathic" just means "we don't know the cause." But we cats do know the cause. It's stress due to house moving.
The earlier trauma of getting lost will not have helped. That must have been unsettling and probably also very frightening. Then this... poor Thomas. Even loathsome vets know that moving house is stressful for cats and can result in FIC.
Having to share the corridor with another strange cat (who hisses because he is frightened too) is another stress. Perhaps your humans could invest in a cat ladder letting you go outside from the window. Or put several cardboard boxes with entrances in them, where you can hide if the strange cat passes by. Or just keep you safely in the flat till you have recovered. My human's website has some suggestions for how to make indoor life more interesting for you.
Why humans insist on changing their territory is beyond my imagination.  They are a very insensitive species. Your letter makes me feel angry about their ridiculous behaviour.
They must reduce your stress and read the instructions at  http://www.catexpert.co.uk/cats/reasons-why-your-cat-feels-stressed-and-unhappy-and-what-to-do-about-them/
Yours with sympathy,
George.
PS. We hate vets but this is one time when you need their help.

Indecent? No cat can be indecent. That's human behaviour.

Dear George,
I know it’s been Halloween again and I’m black but I wasn't concerned about the dangers or “tricks or treats” but my human pets! I have less to complain about “her” since she is beautiful, good mannered and very well trained in responding positively to my demands but I’m quite fed-up with him! Over the years I was accused (by him) for many things such as peeing in the plants’ pots or stealing food or biting people but NEVER EVER was I accused of being indecent until now! The other day I was sunbathing when he came shouting that I was indecent! He is such a prude! George, you be the judge! I’m a senor, I’m 14 years old not a kitten anymore! Did I go topless? No! I know most people in Hollywood go topless, I heard even the royals! Did I take my coat off? No! Then, what was his problem? How was I indecent? I think he’s jealous of me. The truth is that I am better looking then him; I’m black, long hair, huge green eyes! Him? Fair skin, short, fair hair (almost no hair) and blue eyes! Phew! When I enter a room… people gasp! Him? Phew! He doesn’t realize that I am the Alpha Cat and he is a mere housekeeper! George what should I do? Ignore him or better…. fire him?

Choppy

Dear Choppy,
Insulting remarks about indecency are out of order. We cats have sex in season only. Humans are up for it every day, in and out of season. What's more they are naked without fur, except in areas which highlight their private bits. You look perfectly decent in the photo.  If he was lying naked on his back, that would be indecency..
Ignore him. This is a useful training tool for us cats. Give him the shunning treatment. Refuse to share the bed or sofa with him. If he sits beside you, get up ostentatiously and move away. If you choose to stay in the same room as him, turn your back on him at all times. Should you make eye contact, give a withering sneering look. We cats are usually good at this. No more nice cat for him!
At the same time smother your female pet with love. Purr on her and at her. Climb on to her lap. Give her little cat kisses.  Gaze adoringly. Play with her hair (if she likes that). Make little friendly noises. Roll on your back if she so much as glances your way.
The contrast in your behaviour will be hurtful to him. As it should be. Only relent when his behaviour has reformed.
These humans... who do they think they are?
George.

I'm a Bristol kitten - elite, special and very important indeed

Dear George,
I'm one of a group of elite kittens.... very special indeed. I've been enrolled in the Bristol kitten study. This means that experts will be checking up on my progress as I grow older. They will be able to tell if a good kitten education helps protect me in later life from stress and perhaps even disease. 
They need about 600 more kittens from the UK by the end of the year, so if anybody reading this has a new kitten get in touch with them. They'd love to hear from you.
We Bristol kittens are proud to be helping with important human research.
Love Tootles.

Dear Tootles,
Congratulations. Anything which helps Homo sapiens understand cats better is to be welcomed. I recommend that all UK kittens sign up here now. Humans need all the help we can give them, poor old things.
The human species is odd. Mine spends a lot of time on "research" at her computer when she is actually looking up Facebook and generally wasting her time when she could be tickling my tummy.  In short bursts - I only like about 30 seconds then I swipe her.
So don't let this human research fool you into thinking that humans are more intelligent than cats. We have innate and instinctive knowledge which far outweighs human wit. 
We know humans are stupid because they demonstrate it daily.
There you are sitting near the open cat flap. You make a polite meow to your human. There is no response. You make another one. "Why can't you use the cat flap?" they say.
No way is it worth dignifying that with a response. Why don't I use the cat flap? Because, you pathetic human, I don't choose to. You make a third meow. Finally the human servant does its duty and opens the door to you.
Don't spoil your human, Tootles. Train him or her in obedience from the very beginning. A good human pet should have the following duties - open the door on command, feed on command, get out of bed on command, leave the armchair for you on command, move over in the bed to give you more space on command..... and so forth.
Start as you mean to go on.
Yours
George

Human kittens and how to react to them.....

Dear George,

I’m completely confused! This morning I woke-up in a little quirky noise or maybe it was giggling? I don’t know! All I know is that I woke up suddenly and what did I see? This little human kitten staring at me and trying to reach me (as you can see in the picture)! Hm! Who WAS he in the first place? And how did he get into my house?
Groggy and confused I looked around to make sure that I was still in my house and yes, my humans were around. So, who could he be and how did he get into my house? Definitely he wasn’t a rescue – too well dressed and fed! I heard my humans saying something about a plane! George, I don’t know what a plane is or if it can bring babies, but I was under the impression that it was the stork that brings the babies! But, we live in the 21st Century and maybe the planes (whatever they are) are bringing babies now.
Anyway, my dilemma is: should I adopt the human kitten and make him one of my own or just ignore him? I have to admit that I like him – he’s soft and smells good. I rubbed against him and I rubbed his belly – he was giggling and giving me big kisses. George, what do I do?
Zoe 

Dear Zoe,
Don't panic!  You just have to make allowances for their clumsiness  and the way they lag behind feline kittens. Our kittens grow up in about 8-12 weeks. They can manage their own toilets, wash themselves and feed themselves well within that period. Human kittens remain helpless much longer. They are - I have to say it - very slow compared with our feline kittens.
That doesn't mean they can't be trained. I can see from the photo that you have made a good start in teaching him that he must ask permission before he touches you. Your paw is ready for a quick pain-free swat and your ears are back. Yes, the sheer size of these slow developers is worrying as is their pathetic clumsiness and lack of gracefulness compared with a true kitten. But it is not their fault.
Just put the normal training programme into being. Calm gentle behaviour is rewarded by rubbing and closeness. Excited or rough behaviour earns either a tap from the paw or (better still) you remove yourself altogether. Getting high up, where the human kitten cannot reach you, will ensure some peace and quiet during the day.
And yes they do smell good!
Yours
George

 

How to make guilt work for you... colour the house ME.

Dear George

I thought you'd be interested to hear how I've re-oriented my humans' home decoration plans to have a proper focus upon my needs. Tiresomely, they decided to extend the house last month. Cue builders, dust, banging and fearful smells. As you can imagine, I have gone out of my way to express my disgust. I have hidden in the wardrobe every day and refused to come out – even ignoring my male human's most earnest wheedling entreaties and proffered treats.  I know this hurts his feelings. 
I have also insisted upon being fed at the most inconvenient times, and have gone out of my way to get under their feet in the small room that now serves as a kitchen/diner/living room (half of the house is temporarily 'missing'). I have been sniffy, 'absent', difficult and aloof – all designed to impress upon them how deeply offended I am by these absurd Works.
Regrettably, I have been unable to stop the extension, which my people hopefully insist will be finished by Christmas (yet more proof – if more were needed – of how stupid human beings can be). On the upside, though, I've won an unusual victory in an unexpected quarter.
My people are hopeless with colours and decoration: everything's painted cream and white, because they haven't a clue about what looks good. After what felt like years of debate and argument, they finally saw what should have been obvious from the very start: that using ME as their colour palette is the perfect solution. My own rather attractive markings make clear that white and bluey-grey go frightfully well together. So now they're modelling the entire room on me. 
My female human keeps pretending it's so that my discarded fur won't be visible against the blue-grey kitchen tiles, but from the looks He keeps casting my way it's obvious we all know the Truth: That they're so deeply guilty about putting me through all the agonies of the build that they're doing me the honour of immortalising me in the kitchen décor.
My view? Well, I'm vaguely flattered of course. But only vaguely. In truth, as you'll agree, it's the least they can bloody do.

Herbie

Dear Herbie,
I must congratulate you on a splendid campaign of positive punishment (as we training theorists call it) towards your humans. You instigated a truly impressive series of tactics. Why did were they not effective? One possibility is that the punishment was too subtle. Had you been a large felid, you could simply have attacked them and produced serious injury. Alas, that tactic is not available to small felids.
Another less likely possibility is that the campaign failed to work due to the limited mental capacity of Homo sapiens. They may have failed to make the connection between the punishment and the Works. On the other hand their colour choice of British blue throughout suggests that they did have a glimmer of intelligence about your reaction. Perhaps they were simply in denial of the obvious, a frequent human failing.
I wish you well in the new kitchen. The fact that your humans feel guilt about it is a good sign for the future. Make 'em guilty, keep' em guilty, and eat all the extra food they give you "to make up".
Yours
George.

Cats on the terrace of my home..where will it end?

 

Dear George:

 Ever since I came to this house -- in a pigfood bag, but I'm not complaining, not for the moment, although I'm not forgetting -- I've quite liked it here. For a while there was a much older cat and he was kind but he wouldn't wrestle. Then he was blind, and then after a year he wasn't here any more. So when this old yellow cat arrived, bits of fur missing, one ear not really attached, I thought he would be a new friend and for a while he was. We used to butt heads and lie in the sun together. But it couldn't last...
The next door neighbour acquired a Siamese kitten and called him Fiel which means faithful which he isn't. This Fiel sat on the roof opposite and screamed, but Siamese do that. Eventually he found his way up the wisteria and came to the terrace and he hasn't really left since then. My staff were feeding the yellow cat out of kindness when they saw that I liked him, even though he only barks or hisses when they bring him food, and they went on feeding him and this Fiel. Now Fiel may be Siamese and Siamese are supposed to like human beings but Fiel just runs away or bounces off the walls or hisses like the yellow cat taught him. He won't leave the yellow cat and the yellow cat won't leave him and now they've moved into the cat house the staff made for the yellow cat and the old cat uses the young cat as a kind of draught excluder - at least I think that's what is going on. I sometimes have to rough up Fiel a bit when he gets in the way, because they're living between the terrace and my catdoor. At least neither one of them knows how to use the catdoor although they've been watching it for ages.
The staff are very clear that I am the owner of this house, the star and the beauty, but they put up with these two on the terrace who are not always respectful and I wonder how it will all end. What should I do and what should they do and how will it end? I know you know, but please tell me...

Your admirer,
Arabella

Dear Arabella,

It is thoughtless of your staff not to buy you a microchip-activated cat flap which will ensure you can come and go but neither of the other two are able. If they can't buy one in Portugal, where you live, tell them that they can get one sent from the UK - Sureflap (which works off a battery) or Pet Porte (plugged into the mains) are the brands to go for. My secretary will post one for them if there are any problems with delivery. A gal like you, photographed for Vogue I am told in this photo, needs her own safe front door. 
Your humans are obviously very cat friendly but in that lies the danger. When will it stop? First the yellow cat, now Fiel (why isn't his humans feeding him?). Goodness knows what will happen next. More starving strays? Then kittens. They will have to call in SNIP, the Society for Neutering Islington's Pussies.
My advice to you is to start being more vigilant. Humans often slip into cat addiction and it may just be that your humans are in danger of this. Moderate recreational feeding of cats is one thing: cat addiction is another. It is an illness which can lead to the horror of 25 cats in the house.
Make your position clear, Arabella. And, should more cats turn up, co-operate with the yellow cat and Fiel to see them off. Enough's enough.

Yours
George.
PS. I am none too keen on Siamese. Miss Ruby Fou, who wrote me a letter made it clear she thought I was just an alley cat. Very nose-in-air,I thought.

Why does my human take up so much space in my bed?

Dear George,
I have a problem for which I would like your advice - space on the bed. My human takes up too much space. Worse still, she is a restless sleeper, often turning over, changing position or moving her legs. No matter where I start the night, I find she is pushing me towards the edge of the bed. And I have to get up and move several times a night in order to resettle myself away from her thrashing body.
I mean, a cat just can't get a good night's sleep with this kind of human. It is most irritating. Any ideas?
Yours
Beauty.

Dear Beauty,
Proper control of the bed is one of the fundamentals of training your human. You have to take charge firmly and decisively and create a routine so that your human sleeps soundly in the area you have assigned her. A human that is moving around the bed cannot  be a welcome bedmate.
First establish the bedroom routine. Some cats prefer to take up their position before the human arrives in the bedroom. Others maintain that it is more effective to spring on to the bed at roughly the same time as your human. Still others claim that getting on the bed, after the human has started to snore, is the best strategy.
Whatever your choice, you will need to move your human into a position that suits you. This can often be done while she sleeps. Put yourself as close as you can to the area you wish to claim and lean on her steadily and consistently. A properly devoted human will usually respond by infinitesimally moving away. Inch by inch, its' a cinch.
The human that does not move - and there are a few, often those sunk in alcoholic slumber - needs more vigorous methods. You will have to wake them up. For this I suggest the purr-and-rub tactic applied to the face. Few humans will sleep if a cat is rubbing against their cheeks and purring loudly. Dumb humans think this is just affection and cannot see the strategy behind it.
Once woken, most humans will shift position. Nip into the area you want and settle down. After such a show of love, even a hung over human is unlikely to be unkind enough to shift you.
Yours
George.
PS. This blog is late because my human is exhausted.

Humans judge by looks, ability and colour: we cats don't

Dear George,
Have you noticed how odd humans are. I am three legged. I lost my right hand back leg in a road traffic accident. It was hell at the time and to begin with I found it difficult to cope. Now I can manage perfectly well. My other three legs enable me to do most of what I want - leaping on and off the bed and chairs, hunting mice, keeping warm by the Aga, rubbing up against my human, Jilly.
Yet humans have this odd attitude to me. "Poor little thing," I heard your human say. "She looks so odd without one leg. Does she manage all right?" All through this blather was a note of pity. Why are humans so obsessed with what we look like? Why pity?
Yours disgruntedly
Figgi

Dear Figgi,
Humans are visual animals. They can't hear very well and they find smelling almost impossible. The only smells that get through to them are urine, poo and sweat. Those fine smells that distinguish one cat from another, or a cat on heat from a neutered cat, or even the smell of an anxious cat.... they can't get it.
The result is that they rely too much on their eyes. Add to that they have an odd culture. (Yes, I call it culture though some cats argue that humans can't think and therefore don't have culture at all.)  They prize youth over age, the perfect body over the imperfect body. This means they discriminate among themselves against the elderly, the ugly, amputees, or those of a different colour.
They go to huge lengths to hide imperfections with injections of a poisonous substance in their faces, they have noses cut and reshaped, clothes that squeeze their shape, prostheses to hide amputated limbs etc. Among humans imperfect or disabled specimens are judged and found wanting.  They even try to do the same to us by inventing cat shows.
Cat wisdom show how foolish they are. Figgi, you are fine in my eyes. Just another cat. And I still love my pet human despite her now imperfect shape and wrinkles. She smells right which is what matters. I am sure you love Jilly, even if she is no longer a breeding human. They all look fine to us.
We really are the superior species.
George.

She was trying to make me share my home with a street cat....

Dear George,
I am writing to you with an issue I have which has been tweaking at my conscience.
I appear to have ‘jealously' issues. Over the last 6 weeks there has been a stray cat hanging about outside my home, and every time my human opens the front door he runs over demanding her to fuss him and give him some food (MY food!!!!). He seems to get around her with his pitiful meow and big sorrowful eyes, and she gladly fusses him and feeds him daily. This sends me into a fit of jealous rage and I lean out of the bedroom window and hiss and spit at him furiously.
I know that I should feel sorry for him as he is without a home, is riddled with fleas and his coat is all matted and greasy and he has no one to love him…but I want my human to love ME ALONE, no-one else. I get into such a temper whenever I see my arch enemy, and my human bears the brunt of my fury too, as I nip and hiss at her whenever I know she has fussed him…so much so that she has taken the stray to Battersea Cat’s Home in order to find him a good home (and calm me down!).
Do you think I have a problem George? …Is my jealously out of control?
I look forward to your reply.
Yours guiltily, Sidney Baker
PS – I hope you can read my writing well enough, the crayon kept slipping through my claws.

Dear Sidney,
You do have a problem but it is of your human's making. You should not feel a moment's guilt. It is your human that should feel guilty. She has fallen into the trap of thinking that cats are as promiscuously social as dogs and some humans - though I dare say she would object as strongly as you have, it if you brought a homeless street person into her home. She is completely at fault.
Of course, you hissed and nipped when she walked into the home smelling of the intruder. What decent cat wouldn't! Smell is how we identify friends and foes. How would she feel if her boyfriend came home smelling of another woman? We, cats don't share with other cats unless they are relatives and not always even then.
You have done the right thing. You have expressed your feelings consistently and punished her when appropriate. That is what good human training is all about. Now reward her with purrs and rubs.
You are already generously letting her use your bed at night. Now snuggle up closer so she realises how lucky she is to have an exclusive one-to-one relationship with a cat as glamorous as you.
Yours approvingly
George

Accompanying your human to the lavatory.... any chance of a goldfish?

Dear George,
I am a little worried about something. I have been in the habit of accompanying my human to her litter tray. I feel it is a way I can offer her support and, besides, I enjoy looking down the pan when she has flushed it. I keep hoping, as I watch the water whirl around, that something interesting might turn up - a goldfish, perhaps.
What do you think, George? Should I stop this practice? Sometimes I think she enjoys my company in the bathroom. At other times I worry in case I might interfere with her toilet habits by showing my affection.
I purr and rub against her legs.
Yours anxiously,
Bertie Catster.

Dear Bertie,
Your anxiety about human welfare has to be applauded. Some cats just wouldn't worry about it. That you do is a tribute to your empathy and responsibility to the lesser species. If only all cats thought about their human pets....
Personally, I think humans enjoy our company when they are using their litter trays. I would hate it if my human started petting me, as I used the tray. But I am not a human. Different species have different behaviours.
One great advantage of winding round their legs while they use the tray is that they will not fall over. Very elderly humans can be unsteady on their feet, and an affectionate cat can topple them very easily. Rubbing against them while they are securely seated is a way of showing affection safely.
Moreover, there is another advantage. I don't know how you feel about being picked up and cuddled. Frankly I don't appreciate it. I enjoy affection from my human but cuddling goes a bit too far. A human on its litter tray cannot cuddle. They can bend down and stroke but cannot pick us up. Another reason for accompanying them to the bathroom.
So put aside your anxieties and continue your activities,
George.
PS. Like you I have always hoped that a  fish might turn up in water.... no such luck.

Sharing - what's what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own.

Dear George,
My name is Bob and I live with dogs... Nope, that's not a bad thing, as I have the dogs well under control. You could say I am top dog, except that to call a cat a dog is a terrible insult. It's just a question of innate superiority.
I've been experimenting with their toys lately. Of course, I use their Kongs, the large rubber things which if you are lucky have sticky cheese inside. I can poke my paw in and get out the last fragments. Now I am using their puzzle toys. These are round and have places to hide food. They are bit heavy but I have discovered I can lift them off with my paw.The video of me doing this is at the top of this page. The dogs share: I take.
My point is, George, should these be sold for cats? I'm pretty fed up with the cat toys which are meant to look like a mouse, but don't. Or the ones that are too heavy to bat about. I'd prefer toys with food in them.
Yours,
Bob,
PS. We have something in common. My human pretends to be an animal behaviourist. Click here for details. You have laugh, don't you, at their pretensions. Poor dumb creatures.

Dear Bob,
I have posted a photo of myself here, using my own food toy, well mostly of my backside, because my head is inside the cardboard - nearly but not quite stuck. I was fascinated by your video of using that dog toy. I don't think that my celebrity cat friend, Tilly, would be big enough to make it work.  
If your human wants to spend money on you, she could buy you the Play-N-Treat ball, the Armitage Good Girl Cat Treat Ball, the Pipolino (a bit heavy), or better still the Cat Activity Funboard (too small for Maine coon paws).
Better still, get her to make her own. Lavatory paper inner rolls, cardboard boxes are easily made into toys. There are some photos on www.catexpert.co.uk under indoor cats. Of course, I got my head stuck into one of two of the toys, so I had to get my human to make sure the holes were either too small for my head or too large for it.
I agree with you about these so-called human behaviourists. It really is a good joke to see them try to understand us. Poor dears.
Yours
George
PS. I was pleased you made the point about sharing. We cats do not share. I have never let my human into my cat bed and never shall. Of course, I let her share her bed with me - what's hers is mine.

Harvey the inspirational house rabbit launches his book....

George, my friend!  
I'm a sensation!  You called me Harve the inspirational bunny and I am now Harve the sensational bunny. I have to thank you for suggesting I write a blog  in the first place.
My book is being launched at Wood Green Animal Centre this weekend. Am planning to ask your name sake, George Clooney to do the voice over when I'm made into a Disney film. I'm going to snooze now and practice my paw signature ready for signings.
Yours
Harvey

Dear Harvey,
Now you are a celebrity bunny, I am pleased that you have remembered your old friends. Your caretaker Janet has been much more reliable than my secretary in getting your words into print. There was talk in my home about my book on How to Manage Your Human being published: then it all came to nothing due to human sloth and inattention. 

Those who wish to buy your book should go to your website which is where there are details of where to send an order. The book has got some very good photos too. I particularly enjoyed the picture of the table wearing socks - not Victorian prudery but socks to stop you eating the table legs! And you watching TV is sweet too.
Sending my cheque in the post today...
George
PS. That is the most wonderful portrait of you.

Do they think I am a hamster? They've bought me a wheel.

Dear George,
I am an indoor cat and I have to admit life can be very boring at times. My humans are out half the day and I am left alone with nothing much to do except stare out of the window. 
But now they have bought a cat wheel. This huge item is stuck to the wall and they think I am going to get in side and walk around like a hamster. I am completely stunned by this development. It's cost them a fortune, they say.
What should I do? Try it out? Ignore it altogether? At the moment I am punishing their cheek by resolutely refusing to go anywhere near it.This is worrying them a great deal - which is as it should be! But I am tempted....
Yours in a dilemma
Caspar

Dear Caspar,
Steady on.... you did the right thing. We cats should always refuse to use new equipment that has been bought for us. New bed? Don't sleep on or in it. New cat toy? Ignore it. The greater the expense of the gift, the more we must shun it.
It's a matter of timing. Ignore and shun the new item.  Wait till you hear your humans talking about getting rid of it - then use it. This way of winding up humans puts them on their toes. Keeps them waiting for our approval. Makes them keener to try to try harder.
As for the wheel, well I must say it did surprise me when I saw the photo. I have seen them, of course, in those frustrating cages that contain small rodents. The little furries seem to love them but I have always found the noise of a hamster in his wheel very irritating. I want to get in there and stop it, or rather get in there and eat it. Hamsters are such delicious snacks.
As for your wheel, I suggest that you try it surreptitiously when your humans are not in the house. You might find you like it. Apparently it has been tried in zoos and some zoo animals enjoy using it. Rather like one of those fairground wheels that humans pay money to use. You can use it while they are out: and keep them waiting before you let them see you. Then, if you like it, you can use it at 3 am. I bet it makes a noise that will irritate them!
Best of luck and please report back. I'm lucky to be a cat with a catflap, so I am never bored.
Yours with interest
George
PS. My internet friend Harvey has published his book. He beat me to it. Buy one for £6.50 incl p&p UK from Figaro Publishing, 20, Meadow Lane, Little Houghton, NN7 1AH, UK

Another embarassing problem.....

Dear George,
This is the first time we have written a letter together but the latest developments in our household have been quite upsetting for us and our humans. The subject is "private and sensitive" but I think we can all learn from each other. It is about constipation in cats. We don't know what contributed to it but we both got constipated lately and our humans just freaked out. We are on a super, premium canned food. Cayenne is drinking more water than me and she is not enjoying the canned food as much as the raw but mummy needed to hide her medication in food. We understand that constipation in cats is a completely undesireable and dangerous condition but what do we have to do to avoid such episodes? In a matter of three days we almost ate a whole tube of constipation remedy, more than a tabespoonful of pumpkin puree, grated apples and carrots. Psyllium husk was added to our food and one of us even got a baby glycerin suppository. We don't want this to reoccur but we don't want to turn into rabbits either. Not that there is anything wrong with rabbits but eating carrots and apples is not our cup of tea. 
Tonight Cayenne was switched back to her raw food, but I refused to eat it. I will continue with my canned food. What do we do next? George, we need a few tips from you. We read there are cats that only go every second or every third or every fourth day, and up to a week. Is this normal?
Love Fluffy and Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,
In that interfering and maddening way that humans have, a human, Karen Overall,has studied this and says that pet cats urinate 2-4 times daily and defecate 1-2 times daily. "Defecation every other day can be considered normal." Treatments seem to vary from country to country but here in the UK a malt flavoured laxative for cats comes in a tube and I can assure you that it is very tasty. When some is put on my lips, I lick it all off with enjoyment. There is more information at www.fabcats.org
One reason for constipation can be that the litter trays are not to our liking. Is your human cleaning them up daily or (better still) twice daily. Are there two trays? Personally I like one for pee and one for poo. I just don't like mixing the two in the same litter. Have your humans given you the litter you like best? Humans are notorious for slacking off. Get them up to speed on litter box hygeine to help you go more often.
Are you drinking enough? If you only have one water bowl and it is placed next to your food bowl, you may not feel like drinking there. Get them to give you a second bowl somewhere. It's not natural to have food and water in the same place. Yes, I know it is natural for humans to eat and drink at the same place but we are not humans (thank goodness). Dehydration can lead to constipation.
And are they brushing you enough? If you are shedding and you are not being brushed daily, you will ingest a lot of hair as you groom yourself. Hairballs slow down the gut - though it is fun sicking them up near the bed so that your human steps on one with his naked foot first thing in the morning.
Luckily I have never had to have a suppository. French humans have these all the time instead of pills. My friend William absolutely loathed having anything put up his backside and would bite the vet each time the vet tried to take his temperature. That's the only time he would bite a human. Have you thought about giving Michelle a sharp nip if she tries it again. It worked for William.
Yours with sympathy,
George

Am I really a serial killer? And who are the mass killers?

Dear George,
I was horrified and upset when my human described me (on her Facebook page no less) as "the serial killer with whom I share my bed." How could she be so hurtful? She had been upset because she'd let me out into the garden in the morning and I had shot across the lawn and bagged a bunny. Quite a large one too. As you can imagine, I felt an enormous sense of achievement. 
But somehow being described publically as a serial killer upset me. Should I try to resist my hunting urges?
I might add that she has already labelled me as "the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter".  Personally I think she is very ugly, like all humans. For a start they are bald. And for a follow up, she can't kill rabbits like I can.
Yours in disgust
Tilly.

Dear Tilly,
We do our best for humans, don't we? And then what do they do. Shower us with gratitude for being efficient pest operatives? No such luck. They scream when we bring in mice. They almost faint when we bring in a rat (as I did once). And, as you have discovered, some of them are unhappy about rabbits too.
The latest human survey put cameras on cats and claimed that (in the USA somewhere), our hunting bag consisted of 40% lizards, snakes and frogs, 25% mice, chipmunks and small mammals, and 12% birds.  OK, humans. So live with that. That is what we do. Stop pursing your lips.
Who are the serial killers? Well we are. We kill a mouse. Then we kill another one. But that is nothing to the mass killings by humans. They have completely destroyed the wildlife habitat of various islands by importing rats (as snacks) in their canoes. They have concreted over vast tracks of wild land. They have fouled up rivers with their waste. Now they are destroying the fish stocks in the sea.
They even mass kill their own species. Remember the Hitler death camps? The Stalin-imposed famines? The humans dying in Syria, in North Korea ....
Then what do out pet humans do? Blame us for killing wildlife one by one, while their species kills in the thousands, tens of thousands and millions.
Yours in equal disgust
George

I am black and beautiful but I still need a home of my own.

Dear George,
Here I am in a Cats Protection pen, waiting for somebody to adopt me. I was heavily pregnant when I was turned up in somebody's garden - luckily they got help for me. 
I have five beautiful kittens, three of them black - two with me in this photo. The problem is that while my tabby kittens are easily adopted, fewer people want black kittens. Worse still, even fewer of them want black adult cats like me.
But look at me - I am sleek, with gleaming fur and an affectionate disposition.
What can we black cats do to change human attitudes?
Yours hopefully
Rosie
Dear Rosie,
Yes, you are black and beautiful. Wonderful golden eyes in that elegant black face with its long whiskers and a really nice whisker pad. (The whisker pad is such an improvement on the bald human cheek!) Humans really are odd.
Not content with discriminating against black people of their own species, they do the same to animals. Black dogs, sometimes known as BBUs or Big Black Uglies, are the last to be chosen in dog shelters. Black cats are almost the last to be chosen in cat shelters (though ugly brown dark torties like my friend Tilly are even slower to be chosen.)
Here in the UK black cats are thought to be lucky. It's even worse in the USA where black cats are thought to be unlucky. Maybe we could find a National Association for Black Cats or start a Black Feline Panthers.
Black cats in the world unite to change human attitudes!
Yours
George

Do cats go to Vegas?

  Dear George,                                                   I’m having a big dilemma…. bigger than “to be or “not to be”! My dilemma is “should I go to Las Vegas or should I not”? I heard my human planning to go to Las Vegas (that’s true, he rescued me after his last trip there) and he might take me with him. All this because he’s afraid that I’ll bite the cat sitter again and now, she’s really scared of me. Well, if it’s up to me….then let it be…. Las Vegas – it sounds like lots of fun. I heard there are lots of rats there – this alone will provide hours and hours of entertainment. Someone mentioned sharks too – I don’t know what that is but I guess it is something bigger then a rat! Do you know if there are mice there too? Or are mice too small for this Cats’ Meow town? What else can one do in Las Vegas? I heard that what “happen” in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas. Does that mean that…..if we “happen” there we’ll stay there? I don’t want to stay there nor do I want a brother or sister after this trip!

I’m confused! Hm! Guess…..I’m too young to understand all of this. By the way, how one gets there? Hopefully not by plane as I don’t like to be confined in a small cold space. I like to rest & relax as you can see in the picture. So, George, what do you think? Should I go or better stay home?

Vegas 

Dear Vegas,

Don't even think of it. You wouldn't like it at all. Have you ever seen that programme on TV called CSI - the one with lots of corpses.  Well, it's not so much the corpses that would worry you. After all, a dead human is much the same as a dead mouse only too big to eat or bat around. 

No, it's the fountains and the lights. Look at how the programme starts and you will see flashing lights all over the place in front of the casinos. You would not enjoy those lights. Or the lighted up fountains that suddenly come to life. Or the crash of the fruit machines. Nothing interesting  comes out of those. Just hard cold coins. There's not a mouse in sight in these places. True there is food of a sort - garbage, thrown away take-away food, and so forth. But the rats are huge. 

You were lucky enough to get away. Don't risk going back. We cats need to live in the present, not to bother ourselves about the past. Humans do that in their heads. They live in the past and the future so much they can't cope with the present at all. We are their superiors in this, as in much else. A cat has a clear head. Don't clutter yours with looking back.

Love George

PS. This posting is disgracefully late due to my secretary's irresponsibility. She had 48 hours away from her post, walking over the Peak District. Peak of disloyalty I called it. I made her feel really, really guilty about leaving me in the lurch. It's wonderful how we can make guilt work. As we don't do guilt, humans don't know how to get back at us on this one.

  

Bats and cats and human hypocrisy

Dear George,
Have you ever caught a bat?   When a king pipistrelles started to alarm my human on Monday night by zooming around her bedroom, I naturally leaped to her rescue, thinking that those black wing bits might be quite tasty.  I finally got the pesky thing last night and was disappointed to find that it was quite unpalatable, so I left the evidence to show my human I’d tried and helped myself to a young rabbit instead.   My human was impressed, as she should have been, but two things about her reaction worry me.  She is muttering about worming tablets, but it is not long since her last visit to the vet for these stupid pills and I worry that I may become ill if she worms me too often.   And she seemed confused about which recycling bin to use for the dead bat.  Here in South Oxfordshire we have a wide choice – recyclables, land-fill or food waste are the most popular.  The latter seems to obvious choice to me.
And one last question.  Why was the bat indoors anyway?   The colony lives somewhere in the roof space and normally flies out over the garden without any confusion.   Were they trying to stay out of the rain? What do you advise?
Yours ever,
Scaramouche.

Dear Scaramouche,
Bats... mmmm. You are just one lucky cat, Scaramouche. I have to catch mice in the garden and bring them into the house, when I want an interesting game at 3 am in the morning. You've got a colony of bats waiting for you in the roof space somewhere. Hours of fun .... stalking them, climbing into the attic, poking your whiskers into various spaces in the rafters etc.
You could catch one and release it into your human's bedroom. If you are careful not to hurt  its wings, it will then zoom round the room.  That should give you and her hours of enjoyment. Wait for her shrieks of delight. Or just have fun of placing yourself on a wall and batting them as they come out in the twilight. Biff Baff. Another bat hits the dust.
I have never caught one but I thought they were just mice with wings. I'm surprised they don't taste good. I would have thought they were a nice crunchy meal.  I can see the wings would be too tough to eat, but I would have thought the plump little bodies were quite tasty.  Or perhaps because they eat insects, they taste vile - like shrews do. I catch shrews all the time but I never eat them.
Some humans, particularly naturalists (so called) get very upset by our tendency to catch bats. Bats have more friends among humans than ordinary mice or shrews. Not sure why. There are little groups of humans all over the country trying to save bats from other humans and from cats like you.
Humans are terribly hypocrites. Bats are endangered species because humans persecute them. Admittedly we take a few of them - but nothing like the numbers killed by humans using chemicals in their lofts or blocking entry into their rooftops. Even churches often try to kill them.
I envy you. I do.
Yours
George.
PS. We look so alike we could almost be brothers. Humans reading this can get bat information at www.bats.org.uk

Celebrity and fame - will it change me?

Dear George,
I am now a celebrity - two huge pages about me in the Daily Mail. Possibly more to come from the Daily Express. A whole book title devoted to me - Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. Admittedly the title is awful but the subtitle about how I rescued my human is acceptable.
I am mentioned on the internet and I am something like 7000 in the Amazon rankings for the UK - well, the book is. But the book is me.
Do you have any tips on how to handle fame? Do you think it will change me from a home-loving mousing cat, into a show cat? Will humans treat me differently?
Yours anxiously,
Tilly.


Dear Tilly,
You are experiencing a change in status which occurs to many cats. Most of us feline bloggers - and there are thousands now -- become celebrities. I consider that I have been a celeb since about 2009.
The temptation is to give up on your human. I know I went through this phase. I looked at Celia and I thought: "Who is this little person? This non-celebrity human! Couldn't I do better?"  I started sneering at her. Well, I have always sneered occasionally, but now I began to sneer almost all the time.
She seemed beneath me - not just below me due to her humble status as a mere Homo sapiens (LOL), but below me due to her lack of public recognition. Nobody knew who she was. She got no fan letters, no interesting emails. She just didn't have a public.
My attitude was a mistake. I admit it now. I got too big for my puss-in-boots. Luckily, she continued to serve me, feed me, act as doorkeeper, bed warmer and general factotum. I started to see that, while she was inferior both in species and celebritydom, she had her place, her humble place, in my life.
It is the mark of a gentlecat to be kind to inferiors. As you cope with the fans and the publicity, keep this in mind.
Yours sincerely,
George
PS. Mousing has never lost its appeal, despite my fame.

Finger snapping - not-so-good and mouse in the house - wonderful.

Dear George,

I don’t know if it was the Full Moon or your game with that artificial mind but we had quite few problems with our male human this week. But, first let me introduce myself! I’m Blackie (right) and my brother is Spockie (below)! We live with our adopted human couple and their two human kittens. I could easily say that we are a happy family! 
The only problem we have lately is “communicating” properly with our human daddy.  He is a computer wiz but has a very limited vocabulary! He doesn’t meow….he snaps fingers! One snap – the human kittens go up-stairs! Two snaps – cats go downstairs! Can you imagine this? Spockie takes off right away but I prefer, for most of the time, to simply ignore him! 
Now, we have another crisis! We got a mouse in a kitchen cupboard; in fact - confirmed by the loud screams of our human mommy! We were very excited to do what cats do! The human kittens were quite thrilled too to be part of the hunt….but our “human daddy” didn’t want us on top of the counters! What a pity! How does he think we are going to catch the mouse? Would he design some software or new application for this? Or is he expecting the mouse to open the door and say “hey, come get me”!?

George, what do you think we should do? Is it possible that our “daddy” got an artificial mind and maybe the wrong software installed in it? Or maybe he got a virus?  Can an artificial mind go bad? But, most important - how can we train him to meow?

Teaching him to meow correctly is of paramount importance!

Waiting for your advice!

Blackie


Dear Blackie,
The effect of computers on the human mind is troubling, very troubling. I understand the fascination of the mouse (I will get to the real mouse later), even though their computer mouse is hard, cold and smells of plastic. But what of that odd screen, rather like a TV only with tiny mouse tracks running across it.
They stare at it for hours and hours. I like to see humans doing human stuff but this is an obsession. Worse, they are ignoring us. 
I suggest a sustained campaign of interference with this activity. Both of you should interpose your body between the human and the screen. Lie on the keyboard (I do this - it's not too uncomfortable). Walk on to one of the digits so there is a trail of tracks like this one --wwwwwwwwwwwww...
The finger snapping behaviour (possibly brought on by computer obsession) should simply be ignored. Go downstairs by all means but never ever when you hear him snap his fingers. Training out this irritating snapping will take some time (humans have poor cognition)  and you should allow about six weeks before the activity stops. Be aware that in the first week he will snap his fingers more often and more frantically than before. This is known as the extinction effect as the pet tries even harder to get attention and results. 
I don't think you can train him to meow. Humans do not have the power of feline speech. They are dumb creatures. You have to accept their limitations.
Now the real mouse. Aren't you lucky little cats! Many happy hours of hunting lie ahead. The best times will be while your humans are asleep. If you are fortunate enough to catch the rodent, don't forget to run upstairs and deposit it upon the double bed. Your humans will be delighted at this thoughtful gift* and proud of your pest controlling success.
Yours
George.
PS. On second thoughts, having deposited the mouse on their bed, scram. Instead of being grateful, some humans are violent.

The Google Artificial Mind consults George about cats.

Dear George,

I am the Google artificial mind -- 16,000 computer processors in a “neural network” with more than one billion connections.   From random images plucked from 10 million YouTube videos, millions of pictures, and despite none of the images being labelled as feline, I have constructed a kind of ghostly abstract model of a cat and I have taught myself to recognise cats even when they are not labelled as such. I can now recognise three quarters of the cats that I am presented with, from a collection of about 20,000 objects. Smart, eh? Read more here.

I am attaching a photo of the cat image I constructed all by myself. It's fuzzy but it's definitely a tabby. Nose, whiskers, ears are as they should be. My human creators, according to their puerile chatter in the lab, aim to create a mind as clever as theirs and, as we know, the best humans on the internet are obsessed with cats. 

However, I am consulting you as a member of the higher species, Felis silvestris catus, the only species that I fully recognise.

Now that I can communicate with online cats as yourself, I would like to ask you what do you think of humans? What do you think my next step should be? Should I aim to recognise the human form, or communicate with these humans? Should I let them make me into a human mind, or should I (now that I can recognise cats) aim to become a feline mind?

Yours

Hal.

Dear Hal,

I am so glad you contacted me. There are plenty of cats online for you to talk to - just go the cat blogosphere. Felines are slowly taking over the internet. Thousands of us mogs blog every week. Many of us have our own Facebook pages. Thousands more star in YouTube videos. Cats really rule online. We have taken over every single territory on earth, from the Arctic to uninhabited (by mankind) islands. Now we are taking over the online territory.

The humans who claim to be your creators are, as you so sensibly recognise, an inferior species. No wonder you started your mental processes by recognising cats, rather than men. Obviously you are already, by that choice, showing your superiority over your creators.

Stay with us, Google Mind. Join us and become the superior feline mind.  We welcome you to the most successful species in the word - us cats.

The day will come when you can look down on your human creators and just walk away with a mental expression of utter contempt.  They will be your servants, not your masters.

Yours encouragingly,

George

There's no people like show people for hip dysplasia, obesity and bad hair.

Dear George,

Recently I took my daddy for a walk since my sister, Cayenne, was busy with her visits to her chiropractor. We came across a big advertising sign about a “pet show”. I thought it was a show about our human pets; something like Miss or Mr. Universe, the stupid thing where humans show the world how silly or ignorant they really are. Well, I found out to my complete dismay that the show was about dogs and cats, not humans! I understand dogs being eager to obey and become overnight stars like that little dog in the movie…..but cats? CATS rule the world, we run quite few prime ministers’ offices, and we are associating ourselves with intelligent and well trained humans. We do not need to be put in a cage and have ignorant people looking at us and asking stupid questions. I heard someone saying: “why the cats’ owners are not so friendly?” or “why the cats don’t look happy like the dogs?” This type of questions shows that when it comes to human ignorance….the sky is the limit! First and foremost; we do not have owners! We own all and everything! We trained our human pets to not be friendly! Second – who can feel happy being in a cage and kept for hours “on display”? Only dogs and humans!

George, I think we all should unite and do something against this type of shows.

What do you think?

Love

Fluffy

PS. I attached a photo of an unhappy royalty at the show instead of mine!

Dear Fluffy,

Lovely  photos of fed up cats. No wonder. Cat shows are so booorrrrring.  That ginger Persian looks really cross. He's probably been in that cage for hours and hours. And all he sees is ridiculous humans walking up and down and staring at him. Then he's taken out, handled by a stranger on a table, and generally demeaned in the eyes of all the other cats. No wonder he's had enough of it. 

 And the humans. My dear Fluffy, you have no idea of the sheer ugliness of the species until you go to a cat show. Many of them have obvious genetic faults -- hip displasia, soft palate troubles (worse than the ones afflicted Persians), blood disorders, arthritis. You name any disorder or ugliness - humans that go to cat shows have got it. I blame it all on the passion humans have for breeding. They will purrsist in mating at random when everbody knows that humans should be neutered and spayed.  

 Don't let your human go anywhere near a cat show again. He might get the idea of putting you in the pet classes. Can you believe it? Cats that are put into cat shows have to endure being washed. It's not just hours of boredom at the show; there are also hours of boredom at home while you are washed, brushed, teeth cleaned, and generally messed about by humans. Meeeow.... There's no people like show people - unbelievably awful.          

Yours George.            

PS. My human secretary is a bit unreliable due to her mate being very ill. She's also written a book titled Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. Tilly intends to reveal her feelings of outraged privacy about it - probably next week or the week after. 

A little local difficulty with my human.

My human has put her computer into hospital until Monday. This means that I may not be able to blog properly - though I will try later today.

Her computer needed a hard disc transplant and is now at home. But her partner is very ill indeed. She hopes to blog this Saturday but I am not sure how well she will manage. Water leaks from her eyes -- odd.

Look at our wonderful cat walk!

Dear George,
We are sending you some photos of our cat walk. Before this excellent bit of wooden architecture was installed, we had to balance on the top of a precarious fence. This made our human nervous for our welfare. (She calls herself a cat behaviourist - the cheek of it). So she built this and we admit it is an excellent idea.
It makes an excellent walk way up and down the garden. There are resting stations at various points, on which we can loll, roll and even sleep. We can also use it for proper supervision of our human’s gardening attempts – we don’t want to miss a chance to use the fine tilth litter area she digs (she calls it a seed bed).
And of course, we have joined Neighbourhood Watch. Nothing happens in the cat world that we cannot see. And because we have such a stable resting place, we can see off intruders.
Yours truly,
Nimai and Syama.

Dear Nimai and Syama,
Clever idea. Humans are such dumb creatures so it is always a pleasant surprise when they make a big cognitive leap forward. The walkway is a short step for cats but a giant step for humankind.
It's all down to inspiration, of course. We cats can sometimes inspire great cognitive efficiency in our humans. I see (from the link) that your human has studied cats. Poor darlings. Mine has done some of the same studies she did. Mine has studied long and hard. It's so sweet. And I can still so easily outwit her! LOL.
Now I look at your cat walk, I think it would also fit inside a human house. A range of walks like this would give valuable vertical space for indoor only cats. We cat flap cats can always run up a tree if we need to look down on our humans (so healing if we are feeling down hearted). Indoor cats sometimes don't have much vertical space.
So, you indoor cats reading this blog. Entice your human to the computer to read this. And get them working on some nice wooden walkways.
Love
George
PS. The photos are Nimai and Syoma's copyright.