Regrets... still no secretary

I regret to say that I still have no secretary. She is back home but totally doolally.... unable to think straight (she says), unable to type very much due to sore places post surgery, and, most of all, just exhausted. She even stopped eating for a few days and has lost half a stone (a bit of that came off with surgery, the easy way to lose weight.)
I have brought in several mice to tempt her appetite but to no avail. She sleeps a lot and I accompany her in this healing activity. These humans are fragile creatures. Occasionally she surfaces to do a very grumpy and bad taste blog about cancer.

I'm putting my secretary in the veterinary clinic

Dear Feline Readers,
Well, after about four years of regular blogging, I shall have to step down for just this week. My secretary has been ill and needs a surgical operation. On the grounds of human welfare, I have let her off this Saturday's blog. Instead she is helping me put up this notice.
Human pets are essentially unreliable. It is part of their inferior lifestyle that they get all kinds of infections and diseases. I know she hates going to the vet, and even more hates being put into a veterinary hospital. "It's for your own sake," I mewed. She didn't understand me, of course. Poor dumb creature. You can't explain things to them.
Back a week on Saturday. She has been told she can type then.
George.
PS. This is me trying to get that damn blackbird last summer.

Humans and a fuss about nipples.

Dear George
I am very worried about my human who seems to be obsessed with her nipple. She only has two and I overhear her talking about one of them. Apparently she wants the vet to cut it off and store it somewhere on her body, like in her armpit. Her plan is that he then cuts off her mammary gland, keeps the nipple, and sews it back on to a reconstruction. He refused point blank.
Do you think I could give her one of mine. I have a nice row of them either side of the milk line and I would never miss one of mine.
Yours anxiously
Tilly.

Dear Tilly,
What a generous cat you are. What an exciting vision - a beautiful feline nipple, surrounded by lovely tortoiseshell fur, growing on your human's mammary area that was. It would be a bit like Diana Dors' (or was it Jayne Mansfield's) mink bikini. Very elegant.
But the vet is right. It just wouldn't work.
Personally I can't see why your human want a reconstruction anyway. Losing a teat is bad luck, but a false one, even a falsie in flesh, isn't going to be functional? Can't feed kittens, can it? Yet these humans are obsessed with their teats. Odd. Very odd indeed. I suppose it is something to do with only having two of them - another sign of human inferiority. I have always thought the human body would look much nicer with a line of them starting where they are now and going down either side to below the waist. But the great Cat in the sky did not make them like that.
No, I suggest you concentrate on purr therapy for her. She's going to feel rather ill after the vet's operation. Give her lots of purrs and rubs but hang on to your nipple. Human welfare does not require us to give our body parts to our human pets.
Yours cautiously,
George
I can recommend a rather touching book, admittedly about the inferior species the dog. Dog Walks Man, by John Zeaman, (Hamlyn £7.99). A sort of meditation on dog walking.... I may come back to this later.

I don't want another cat.....

Dear George,

It’s me Vegas! No, I don’t have a “sister” yet since my human is too busy having company from overseas and I’m teething or what do you call this in cat language?

I’m glad we have company since I have extra hands and toes to bite but I’m quite worried right now! I overheard my human saying something about “having someone moving in with a cat or cats” I personally think this is just terrible. I would like a little sister from same shelter where I came from but, I don’t want any adult cat or cats in my house. They can be mean; they can eat my food, take my bed or shed a lot! I don’t want to sleep on another cat’s hair. Quite so! Why cats shed? And why some shed more then others? Are they sick? Do they lack nutrients in their food? Are they stressed?

Am I going to loose my hair now and become a hairless cat, like a sphinx?

George, what should I do?

Worried

Vegas

Dear Vegas,

You are having trouble with your humans. They are being totally selfish and disregarding your feelings. Of course you don't want another cat, particularly an adult cat who you know nothing about. It was bad enough when they suggested a kitten from the same rescue shelter as yours. Quite bad enough but with great generosity and flexibility you agreed.

I think your selflessness was a mistake. Give humans an inch and they will take an ell (whatever the ell that is!). They have got above themselves. They assume they can do what they like. They think they can just fill the house with cats - adult cats, kittens, visiting cats. It's a disgrace.

You will have to take a stand, Vegas. I suggest a programme of the "silent treatment", occasionally used between human husband and wife. Withdraw all affection. Go further, withdraw all attention. You do not sit on laps. You do not rub their legs. You do not sleep on the bed with them. Or on the sofa near them. If you sit in the same room of them, sit with your back towards them. No eye contact. No miaouws or purrs - that's why it's called the silent treatment.

You might just add vomiting. Projectile vomiting can be a very useful weapon in the armoury against humans. Leave a little heap during the night just where they will step on it, if they get up to use the litter tray.

Any human visitors can be treated with lavish affection - just to make the point that you do not any more love your humans. Make them suffer. Prrrrhaps then they will begin to appreciate you more.

Yours

George

PS. This blog is late because my human's access to the internet failed for 48 hours and because she is rather preoccupied with her (thank goodness not mine) veterinary treatment. Tiresome woman.

Dear George,
I have just had a traumatic encounter with a small group of hornets. One of them stung my human, which is only what she deserves for being so foolish as to take up power walking. I felt it prudent to dive into a hedge and stay there for the rest of the day. I would much rather have been hunting rabbits, my usual morning occupation, but the danger posed by these enraged insects quite upset me. My human thinks this is strange, as the things that scare other cats, such as dog, toddlers, lorries, loud noises or car rides, do not faze me in the least. Not that I was scared, you understand. It was quite unnecssary for the human to come out and find me hours later and carry me home for dinner.
Yours,
Scaramouche

Dear Scaramouche,
These flibbertigibbet humans! Power walking indeed. Why doesn't she take up mousing? So much better ergonomically. I have tried over the years to interest Celia in mousing by bringing in living mice, but she just doesn't get it. Instead of an invigorating hunt round the living room, she merely catches them in a wellington boot and puts them outside. (Mind you, I sneak out later and start hunting them all over again, so it's not all bad).
Wise of you to take shelter if hornets are flying around. Some foolish kittens actually hunt bees and wasps - a dangerous activity not indulged in by mature cats like you and I. Hornets really do sting badly and I am not at all surprised that you were emotionally upset. Of course, this upset was merely because you disliked them in your territory, not any wimplike fear!
Your duty is clear, Scaramouche. Get that foolish human of yours to call the local wildlife people in case the hornets are a rare species. Get their advice and see if you can rehome the hornets (or something) in a better place! Creepie crawlies, even the buzzing kind, have a place in our world. I like to see the odd bee and wasp. And I enjoy crunching up flies and such like. Quite tasty.
Not so sure about the power walking, though. Shouldn't she be busy shopping for cat food?
Yours
George