Hide and seek - but not in the washing machine.

Dear George,

My name is Kitty-Kitty-Puss-Puss and, of course I’m a rescue! My name? Ya, I know what you are thinking but I can assure you my human is quite normal!

Or I think she is! Or….maybe not? Actually….I’m writing to you seeking advice on a human behavioural pattern. You see, I’m an indoor cat and being young I easily get bored. I’m very playful so I’m quite creative. Of all games I most enjoy “hide & seek” but my human doesn’t get it. Each time I hide (as you can see in the picture attached) she panics and start frantically looking for me, calling my name and quite often starts making some very strange noises like she’s trying to speak “cat language” at a high pitch strange “meowing”. I would laugh out loud if laughing won’t give away my hiding place. All is good and fun until she suddenly becomes upset and starts crying implying that I intentionally upset her.

George, I know she means well and I love her very much but how do I tell her that all I want is playing with her?

Confused

Kitty-Kitty-Puss-Puss

Dear Kitty-Kitty-Puss-Puss,
If you are an indoor cat, it is an important part of your pet human's duties to play with you.  She should spent as much time as possible seeing to your recreational needs - fishing rod toys, throwing little balls of paper, chasing you (if you are the kind of cat that enjoys being chased), and so forth. 
Some humans use lazer light toys, but these can be addictive and frustrating to some cats. Personally I find them boring. Another idea is for your human to hide food so that you have to find it.
Hiding? Yes, it is fun for us. And it is particularly good fun to watch our humans wandering round the house calling and getting all wound up. Naturally if I ever hear the "vet" word, I go missing immediately and it is easy to fool my human. I emerge when I hear her on the phone cancelling the appointment admitting"He's gone missing."
But a word of warning. Hiding inside the washing machine is dangerous. Of course, your human should never leave the washing machine open if you are likely to go inside. But humans are irresponsible and forgetful animals.  So don't climb inside, just in case there is an accident. Just occasionally, rarely, a human will bung in the clothes without looking properly and a cat gets trapped in the washing cycle.
Yours helpfully,
George.
PS. There's some useful ideas on playing with indoor cats here.

Never trust a handsome stranger!

Dear George,
About two months ago I was inspecting my territory one more time before retiring for the night when I’ve seen this handsome stranger wondering around my alley. He looked a bit confused and hungry but irresistibly handsome so, I invited him in for dinner. Now, 60 plus days later…look at what happened to me! But, I’m neither upset nor ashamed; I love my babies and I think they all are beautiful, little miracles! Actually I had to hide them away from my humans as they constantly wanted to hold them, pet them, and kiss them. That’s a perfect example of why human kittens don’t behave later in life. My human mommy is so excited about my babies – she thinks they are Godsend but she’s not the one breastfeeding or teaching them mouse-ing! Anyway, since she wants to keep us all I made her promised me that we’ll all go through the “snip-snip” phase once my babies are old enough. In the meantime…I wonder where did the handsome Casanova vanish? Probably to more exotic places? Another alley? Another dinner?
Anyway, if anybody sees him…please catch him and….. fix him!
Any other suggestions George?
With loving purrs
Kitty-Kitty 

Dear Kitty-Kitty,
It's the  tom's that get the pleasure and it's the mums that get the kittens.... That's feline life, I am afraid. I am posting a photo here of some other kittens near me that are the result of a single night of pleasure with a tabby-and-white!  

Will you ever see that gorgeous hulk of tomcat  again? Probably not. You have to accept that a one night stand meant more to you than him. But being neutered (as I am) will allow you to swap the hurly burly of a night on the tiles to the restful pleasure of the sofa.
As soon as your babies get older, after about a week, you should encourage your humans to handle them.  It will help the kittens learn how to manage humans in later life - how to be relaxed with these large pets and how to train them.  
Yours restfully,
George
PS. There's a nice link to kitten advice here.

Deepak Chopra .... of cats!

Dear George,

Reading past letters I realized that kittydom is a buzz! It is such a joy to see cats becoming entrepreneurs, opening up businesses, taking vocational training or simply….improving their body, mind and spirit by taking up Tai Chi, Qi Gong or Zen meditation! We do really rule the world and, I can see why….the future is ours! I had my “aha” moment when I took up yoga! I even developed an important and, in my humble opinion, revolutionary asana called “Cat Slipping” as you can see in the photo attached! One can practice this pose throughout the day, anywhere and everywhere! My preferred location? Master bedroom! 

Favorite spot? For me…. my “daddy’s” side of the bed! Time? Especially when he’s ready to go to sleep! Timing is important and mine is just perfect! Benefits from practicing it? One is more relaxed, but mind sharper, one will look younger in minutes and above all…seeing your human’s perplexed face not knowing what to do! This is priceless! You don’t push Deepak Chopra off his chair, do you?

But, my daddy dared to push me aside last night and I’m much infuriated.

I’m taking three deep breaths now and start working on a plan how to relocate him on a couch in the living room or even better….down in the basement!

George, any suggestions?

Namaste

Lenny

Dear Lenny,
Pushing you off the chair is unacceptable behaviour in a human. No wonder you are infuriated. You need to climb back immediately and start re-inserting yourself on the chair slowly edging him off. If this doesn't work, get on the back of the armchair and start forcible grooming of his head. If he has a bald patch, groom this furiously. If not, rearrange his hair with tongue and claw. This often makes a human leave.
Forcing a human off your bed is going too far. I think he would be lonely on the downstairs couch or in the basement. Human welfare matters. Well behaved humans should be allowed to share the bed with us, as long as they don't take up too much space. Grooming them in the early hours or merely slowly moving them into a better position using your asana while they are asleep effectively repositions the human body.
Namaste
George.

Is harassment the price of beauty?

Dear George
I live in a small market town, in a busy street. As you can see from the photo, I enjoy sitting on the end of the fence, when the weather is suitable. However, I am harassed by humans.
Some of them just stop to admire me. Some take photographs (like this one) which I feel I have a duty to the public to tolerate. Naturally these are spread about social media - but that is the price of beauty.
However, what I loathe is humans that want to pet me. They seem to think that I will enjoy this. Why? I am a cat who is careful about her friends. I only admit a few humans into that category.
So why should any old passerby think I want their sticky hands on my fur. They have no right to intrude into my personal space.
How can I prevent this?
Snowflake.

Dear Snowflake,
You need to be more proactive when you see humans approaching. Put your ears back as soon as you see them. Crouch lower and bare your teeth. As soon as they are close enough, hiss loudly. Any closer, give them a good scratch!
Be honest.... Are you enjoying the admiration too much? Do you like being a Facebook pin-up? Your serene and beautiful demeanour may be causing the problems in the first place. Think about changing your image from beauty to the beast.....
Yours 
George

Crochet versus knitting... knit your own human!

Dear George,
I'm a young kitty rescued by my "mommy" which I love very, very much (as you can see in the pic attached)
We do lots of things together like cuddling, purring, playing, sleeping, eating!
Lately she is insisting in teaching me how to crochet! By the way....she does crochet a lot!
Well, I'm a bit worried now as this age-old hobby, relevant even today as you can see, makes a comeback
with pre-teens, teens, grandmas and everyone in between (where my mommy will fit).
Why am I worried? Because I love to knit and I think knitting is what we should do together. Plus, as you may know crochet is using a single curved hook (my claws fit the description perfectly)
but, in knitting we use knitting needles (not harmful).
I don't think she realizes that if I start crocheting....I'll shred everything to pieces.
George, how can I make her change her hobby and switch to knitting?
Knitting comes so naturally to us, the cats!
By the way, why do you think we are knitting and love it so much?
Maybe if you'll explain ...she'll change her hobby
With knitting purrs
Sophie

Dear Sophie,
Do your claws get stuck in the crocheting? I guess they might do. Sounds a bit tricky for a cat. If you show her how they get stuck, perhaps she will change her habits. Knitting would be safer - and there are those nice balls of wool to play with too.
If you do start knitting, would you knit me a nice human to play with? I'd like one small enough to bat about and perhaps with some catnip inside. It must be female, of course, and it would be lovely if it looked like Celia - mature (!), wearing trousers not a skirt, and with knobbly knees! Pink face and yellow hair on the head.
AND.... I know this is controversial but I would like you to add a tail.   I feel pity for them as they are disabled without a tail. So I would be grateful if you could add a tail to my toy Celia.
Yours in grateful anticipation,
George.
PS. Have you seen this book?