Poetry in motion - the cat walk

This is the cat walk. Watch the purrfect co-ordination of our four legs. We walk on our toes. We move both legs on one side of the body before the legs on the other side. 
But the legs on either side do not hit the ground at the same time, so that most of the time three legs are still on the ground. So our gait is both fluid and stable.
Unlike the ungainly two legged gait of humans. As a famous human writer admitted "Four legs good: two legs bad."
As for their feet.... almost useless toes on a flattened large pad. Pathetic.

• For more about ungainly humans get my book here.

That look. Make guilt work for you....

The guilty look? Not a bit of it. We cats do not do guilt. Not the tiniest bit of guilt. Never ever.
It's true that there were lick marks on the butter. But that was the fault of my human for leaving it out on the kitchen surface. She is the guilty one.
Humans do guilt big time. And we can profit by it. 
Learn how to put on the sad look, the disappointed look, the I-am-only-a-kitten look, or the Don't-you-love-me look, when they are refusing that titbit from their plate.
This makes them feel bad inside and as the guilt grows, they waver and then succumb. 
So make their guilt work for you....

• If your human loves you, she will get my guide here. 

Feline evolutionary superiority.

Cats are the highest life form, superior beings. We have climbed to the top of the tree of life. And this useful diagram shows our superiority. 
Just below cats come humans, laughingly self-styled Homo Sapiens, and just below them (only just) the big apes. We are above all these.
What other mammal has the wit to be dominant over humans? To populate the whole world, including islands were humans cannot or do not exist? To be equally at home in the wild, as in domestic life? 
Share this image to other cats.... Spread the word that felines will be around long after humans have vanished. 

• For more details of our superiority order my book here.

Keep dogs in their place

Dogs look up to humans.... I know that sounds incredible, but they do. They are eager to please and willing to obey.
Proof if you ever need it that they are a species totally unlike us.
The dogs we live with may be safe, but we should never assume other dogs are. Strange dogs are never to be trusted. Some of them have been taught, yes taught, to chase cats. Others just do it for fun. 
Cats have lost their lives in the jaws of dogs.
Even a household dog must be kept in its proper place. Don't be afraid to swipe or bite. Most dogs that live with us are cowards at heart and will retreat if attacked. It's usually only strange dogs that we have to run from.
 Dogs should be lowest in the pecking order. The hierarchy should go like this: 

Top: Cat, 
Middle: Human, 
Bottom: Dog.

For  information on how to train a dog go to:

Fattism and human hypocrisy.

My friend Boomer liked his grub.

"Fat cats" is a term of insult among humans, when applied to other humans that are rich. And now there is growing "fattism" applied to cats.
Vets are campaigning to slim us down, arguing that obesity isn't good for our health.
But look at the humans all around us. They are huge...not just tall and large but round with gigantic drooping bellies. How can they talk! They should start slimming down and eating less, before they lecture us about it.
It's unfair. It's one rule for cat and one rule for humans. Some of them even restrict our food, weighing out a daily portion. Meanwhile they are gorging on three meals a day, snacks in between, unhealthy crisps, burgers, KFC chicken, chocolate, doughnuts, cake and take away Chinese.
Hypocritical humans! Down with feline fattism.


 

For more on human behaviour read my book here. 

Radiators versus woodburners

This time of year heat is vital to stop cats shivering through the winter. Blow-heaters ruffle the fur unpleasantly. Electric fires usually give out heat above the carpet. Radiators and wood burning stoves are more acceptable.
Both have advantages and disadvantages.
Radiators allow one to soak up heat through the belly by lying underneath. Oddly enough, humans never do this and therefore they have designed radiators that are too small for lying-down humans. Radiators, however, are the ideal size for cats.
There is one major problem. They stop working at night when it is coldest and mean minded humans also turn them off during the day, while they are "at work." No wonder so many of us stroll down the road looking for a human that keeps the heat on all day.
Wood burners are usually lighted up only in the evenings, when our humans return. But even when no more wood is added, they stay warm for hours right into the early morning. They also make interactive TV for kittens like Blossom (above).
Ideal homes, like mine, have both.

 

•  For more mewsings on humans order my book here.

Catnip versus alcohol - punishing humans

Toby demonstrates recreational and moderate use of catnip

Humans behave very badly indeed at the New Year - drinking quantities of alcohol without any feline moderation. They blunder about, get rude and silly, sometimes vomit and occasionally even lose control of their bladder. 
It's disgusting.
We felines are recreational drug users and we admittedly roll around in a silly way when sniffing catnip. However we know when to stop.... unlike many humans. 
How to punish drunk humans? Here is what to do.

• Avoid them while they are still drinking. The spare room or even under the bed may be necessary.
• Wait till they are horizontal to assess the situation.
• If they are motionless, use their body as a warm pillow until they start moving. 
• Snoring may keep you awake but at this time of year the warmth is agreeable.

•  In the morning purr loudly and often in the ear. This is punishment disguised as affection. Neat! 

• For further punishment ideas consult my manual here. 
  

Beware the Yule cat.....

It's Christmas time, Yule time, the evenings darken early, snow may be on its way, so may the Yule cat...
It is time for humans to shudder with fear instead of taking cat affection for granted and thinking we are all just pussycats.
Not all cats are drowsing near a fire or upside down under a radiator. Out there in the cold of Iceland, a sinister creature is on the prowl.
According to legends, the Yule Cat is a gigantic huge black cat,  sort of feline troll, that only appears at Christmas time, and if there. are no new clothes among the Christmas gifts, the Yule cat may devour the little children in the house.... More detail here.

An Icelandic poem goes like this:

 If he faintly meowed outside
The misfortune was soon to happen.
Everyone knows, that he fed on men,
But mice he would not eat.’

‘Ef mjálmað var aumlega úti
var ólukkan samstundir vís
Allir vissu´, að hann veiddi menn en vildi ekki mýs.’

Time for some respect from humans....

Add a cat to the crib.....

It's time to bring cats into the Christmas story. Obviously we belong there but prejudiced humans have refused to acknowledge this.
The stable had at least one cat. Almost all stables and barns had a cat two thousand or so years ago. We kept down the mice that otherwise ate the grain stored them. 
So get your human to add a cat to your local crib. 
Mine did. In fact she added two - one near the manger and one with the wise men. They stayed there in the church throughout the Christmas holiday.  
Tell your human to make the Christmas story cat friendly!

•  More of my thoughts on Christmas in my book here.

Searching for warmth? Try a car.

It's winter here in the UK and what is the urban outdoor cat going to do? There are no cosy hay barns, stables or cowsheds to keep warm in. So it has to be cars.
As every cat knows, cars are convenient places for keeping out of reach. Just run under one and wait till it is safe to emerge. They are also shelter from the rain in an emergency though your paws get wet. Jumping inside them is usually impossible because the doors are shut.
There is a car trick, however, that not every cat discovers. When these metal jobs have been out exploring, they come back warm. Jump on the bonnet and the delicious hot metal will warm and dry your damp paws.
Selfish humans object to the pawmarks. I can't think why. Purrsonally I find paw tracks give a delightful patterned effect which enhances the beauty of an automobile.

  
More tips for how to live with a human here.

Purrlease.... don't put out the cat.

It's cold and miserable and damp in Britain. And what do some old fashioned humans do? They lock us out of the house, away from warm beds and central heating.
No wonder that some of us leave home or just follow some friendly stranger in the hope that they will let us into their house.This time of year it is too wet and cold for a cat to be left outside.
Besides, night time is the most dangerous time for cats. We get dazzled by car lights and then run over by cars. We get attacked by foxes or stray dogs or (in the US) coyotes.
So don't do it, humans.


 
Still time to order you copy of my book here. 

Humans have put out moonlight

The excitement of moonlight nights... the hoot of the owl, the footfall of a passing fox, and the ear twitch of grazing rabbits keeping out of its way. Humans miss all of this. They are blinded to the beauty and the thrill of it.
The songs and poems may talk about moonlight: but they don't practise what they preach.
Their eyes don't work properly in the dark so they fear it. Instead they light up their houses at nightfall and light up the streets, themselves, with street lamps. 
The beauty of the moon disappears under a tide of artificial glare.  
The time that means most to wild animals, and to us cats, is the twilight and the dawn. They cower in their houses at those times, watching TV and ignoring Nature herself.
They have put out the light of the moon. 


For more cats versus humans rule read here....   

Beware of Men in Red. Kill that beard.

Beware the festive season.
It's starting... men in red roaming around the streets.
Noisy fat bastards ringing bells. Run for your life if you hear "Ho Ho Ho" on the horizon.
Keep your dignity. Don't let them pick you up. Do not trust these Santas. They might put you in that sack they have over their shoulder.
Occasionally there are elves (so-called)  in attendance.They are usually women dressed up. Slim not fat. Even more likely to pick you up.
Sometimes the elves have long ears - rather as if they want to be cats. These come off when pulled. So if you are picked up, give these a smart tug with your claws.
As for Santa, pull off that fluffy thing he is wearing on his chin and kill it.


 
For more on Christmas buy my book here. 

Kitchen countertops - cats versus humans.

Humans try to impose a rule that cats should not walk upon kitchen countertops. 
The feline rule is that we are entitled to do just that whenever we want. 
With proper purrsistence we can change this absurd human rule this way.

• Cats are not allowed on kitchen counters. Ever.
• Cats are allowed on kitchen counters - occasionally if they are being extra cute.
• Cats are allowed on kitchen counters - if there are no human outsiders to see what is happening.
• Cats are allowed on kitchen counters - as long as they don't steal food.
• Cats are allowed on kitchen counters - as long as they only eat crumbs that have fallen there.
• Cats are allowed on kitchen counters. Any time they choose.

For more cats versus humans rule read here....

Fresh Laundry....mmmmm....zzzzz

Make your human do proper laundry. Not just washing and drying but also ironing. It's part of their servant duties.
Fresh laundry does it for me. There's something about those clean sheets and the carefully folded pillow cases. And, of course, the exture and the smell of the newly ironed clothes.
Even un-ironed sheets like the ones in the photo are special for cats. The more expensive sheets, like Egyptian cotton, are the best. So luxurious when freshly ironed.
The only odd thing is the human reaction. They wash. They dry. They iron. They fold. And then they place a lovely heap of clean laundry either in a warm laundry cupboard or on a nearby chair. So far so good.
We settle down for a glorious sleep. And they get inexplicably angry.
Odd animals, humans!

Rain.... and wet cats

Rain.
We don't like it. We really don't.
It is the responsibility of our humans to make sure that we do not get wet.
In an ideal world they would change the rain to sunshine. If they can't or won't do that, then they should make sure that we never have to go out in the wet. 
Yesterday the next door cat, Tilly, was pushed out of the house in the rain. She came round to my place complaining but couldn't get indoors because of the microchip cat flap. And my human wouldn't let her in.
She tried to entice me to go out in the wet by holding open the patio doors. I gave her that contemptuous look which says: "Are you stupid? Me go out in that?"
Then I went upstairs and had a refreshing sleep on the bed, that I share with her.

Stop that! Claw and order.

My friend Marley demonstrates how to keep your human in line with judicious use of the claw, followed by a little painless nip. Only the most insensitive human fails to respond to this.
Punishments should always be proportionate - for welfare reasons. But humans that do not respond to the mild swipe and nip may need more serious measures - a proper scratch to draw blood or the deep bite.  
Only use these when things are really serious. You don't want to ruin the cat-human relationship on which regular meals and warm radiators depend.


For more on how to manage your human order my manual here.

Fear and loathing in the cattery

They go on holiday. We go to gaol. It's not fair. My human has swanned off to have a good time and I am stuck in prison.
They call it a cattery but it's really just a prison cell. No carpets. No sofa for scratching. Horrible disinfectant smells. Strange cats nearby. 
What's not to hate.
We do not deserve this. I have tried and failed to escape and I am miserable.
She, meanwhile, is having a good time eating fish in Normandy..... 
Sometimes humans are really vile. I shall make her pay for it later.



Want to know more of how to live with a human - read here

Walls and fencing - human barriers versus cat barriers

Walls, and fencing are cat highways. As every cat knows. They allow us to travel from house to house along the back of a street. They form useful refuges from passing dogs. And they generally make life easier for urban cats.
Yet the joke is that humans think they are barriers.
They put up walls to keep people and dogs out and some are silly enough to think they will keep us out. Just the reverse. They facilitate our movements.
The real cat walls and fencing are scent marks. We leave a scent mark to tell other cats WHERE and WHEN we were. They can choose whether to enter shared territory or stay away. 
Humans do not understand this because they are nose blind. 
And just stoopid. 


Read more on human stupidity by buying my guide here

The blessing of a cat

Humans occasionally show their gratitude. This week, my human finally wrote something which I can fully appreciate, even if I longed to get my paws on it and change some of the sentiments... 

My book not hers.

May you be blessed with a cat...

May you be blessed with a cat,

A starving stray from the street

Or a scruffy kitten from a shelter,

Who hides under the bed

For the first few days

May you be blessed with cat fur

On the new carpet,

On your best clothes,

On your bed and

In little balls in the washing machine

May you be blessed with scratches,

Happy scratches on the sofa,

Exploring scratches on wallpaper,

Greeting scratches on the door mat,

And sometimes even on the scratch post.

May you be blessed with a warm body

Close to you on the sofa,

On your lap while watching TV,

Spread out on the bed asleep

Or even snuggled under the duvet.

May you be blessed with purring.

Loud purring requesting food,

Happy purring when stroked in the right places.

Gentle purring during the night,

While both of you sink into sleep.

May you be blessed with that look,

The urgent look requesting food,

The look that says: “Play please,”

The look of loving contempt

That says “You are not my superior.”

You may not know if you own or are owned

But this love too is stronger than death.

                        c.. Celia Haddon

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Human presumption and feline punishment....

Naturally the human publishers are anxious to stay on the right side of their best selling feline author. They sent me a package of expensive goodies. Very correct. Very pleasing.
Unfortunately, they did not check in advance about what I would like to eat... They presumed. As humans do.
I felt their presumption needed a punishment.
I gobbled up the expensive wet cat food fast. Then I felt slightly ill.
Then I threw it up on the new carpet.



* For more detail on how to maximise the impact of throwing up order a copy of A Cat's Guide to Humans, here.

Life of a feline artist - success.

At last... my book is officially published. A Cat's Guide to Humans from A-Z. And this time my name is on the cover. Feline friends can purchase it here. The more you know about your humans, the better.
Several years ago when I published a training manual for fellow cats (One Hundred Ways to Train your Human) my human stole the copyright and claimed credit.This time it is different.  I am now an acknowledged feline author.
It's been a struggle, I admit. I needed to take a cool look at humans in general as well as my particular human. There is so much in their behaviour which is alien and sometimes disgusting to a normal cat. I needed to set aside my natural feelings and study them without prejudice. 
Manipulating or managing a human is the basis of all good cat-human relationships. 
Now at last there is a guide.
I hope it will contribute to better feline understanding of this strange species we have domesticated.

Human feet - enticing but useless

Naked human feet are tempting. They have an enticing scent, a mixture of body odour, sock, and leather shoe. Sniffing them is fun. Licking them - which some cats do - is usually not very rewarding, unless you have a human who goes barefoot and picks up interesting smells from the ground.
Those little piggy toes, which can wriggle, are fun to pounce on. Particularly in the middle of the night when your human goes to use its strange water-based litter tray. Try it. The human scream is really thrilling.
The strange thing about human feet is how useless they are for humans. True, they are flat so that humans can walk on two legs (not an advantage), but most of modern human feet are too soft to walk without the protection of shoes.
Despite being soft, flat sole of the foot is very insensitive compared with our paws. Humans cannot feel the earth vibrating through the soles of their feet. Feet are useless, therefore, for warning  about predators. Just occasionally there is a single hair or two on the top of the foot among the elderly. But there are no charming little tufts of fur between the toes like ours.
The toes can wriggle a bit but are relatively immobile. They can't grasp anything. They don't have claws, either retractable ones like us or ordinary claws like a dog. Their nails don't DO anything. They can't open cat food with their feet.
In a word, human feet may be tempting to play but they are otherwise useless.



* Coming shortly, my guide to human management and training...
I am blogging early because I have sent my human to do an update day at Lincoln University.

Advice to Larry the First Cat

Dogs look up to humans, while we look down on them. Why does this matter? It gives humans ideas above their station in life. Just look the disasters that have happened to the British Prime Minister since he imported a dog into Number Ten Downing St... It's pathetic to see a dog rolling on its back in front of a human. Or putting its face between its paws in a kind of bow. They can't help it. They seem to think that humans are some kind of superior being.  That feeds into the human idea that they own us. Own us? They may own the dog but they certainly don't own a cat. We live independent lives which we may choose to share with them. But only from a position of feline superiority.

My advice to Larry the Downing St cat is to institute an immediate obedience training programme for the new First Dog, while it is still a pup. Get in there with a few well timed paw swipes.

With luck, Dylin the dog will be out of Number Ten very shortly, but there's a chance he may wheedle his way back in after a general election.

Start a punishment regime NOW. 

Coming shortly - more canine advice in my new book.

Why humans cannot pounce.

Toby demonstrates the high pounce

"Four legs good: two legs bad!" is a slogan invented by a human as a sneer in a work of fiction. Actually, it's a good slogan for all of us quadrupeds. It's actually true....
What do we gain by four legs? For a start,  increased stability, the ability to manage on only three legs if we lose one in an accident and more power to the back legs. We jump high and land so gently that we can grab a mouse at the same time.
If humans do a high jump, they land in a heap. They can't pounce properly.
The only advantage they gain are hands with fingers and thumbs. Good for opening cat food tins and envelopes, I guess. While we can carry only one mouse at a time in our mouths, they could carry two - one in each hand. Only they don't.

 Coming shortly

They don't have our front paw sensitivity. We can feel a small rodent moving in the grass with our front paws and we can feel the texture of surfaces where we walk. We can walk silently. 
Ever seen a human trying to stalk silently? It's pathetic. Their immobile feet plonk down on the earth's surface so heavily that any decent animal can hear or feel this for yards and yards. And because they have to stand on their back legs, they cannot slink properly either.
Hopeless for slinking. Hopeless for pouncing. But good for opening cat food containers.