Rain.... and wet cats

Rain.
We don't like it. We really don't.
It is the responsibility of our humans to make sure that we do not get wet.
In an ideal world they would change the rain to sunshine. If they can't or won't do that, then they should make sure that we never have to go out in the wet. 
Yesterday the next door cat, Tilly, was pushed out of the house in the rain. She came round to my place complaining but couldn't get indoors because of the microchip cat flap. And my human wouldn't let her in.
She tried to entice me to go out in the wet by holding open the patio doors. I gave her that contemptuous look which says: "Are you stupid? Me go out in that?"
Then I went upstairs and had a refreshing sleep on the bed, that I share with her.

Stop that! Claw and order.

My friend Marley demonstrates how to keep your human in line with judicious use of the claw, followed by a little painless nip. Only the most insensitive human fails to respond to this.
Punishments should always be proportionate - for welfare reasons. But humans that do not respond to the mild swipe and nip may need more serious measures - a proper scratch to draw blood or the deep bite.  
Only use these when things are really serious. You don't want to ruin the cat-human relationship on which regular meals and warm radiators depend.


For more on how to manage your human order my manual here.

Fear and loathing in the cattery

They go on holiday. We go to gaol. It's not fair. My human has swanned off to have a good time and I am stuck in prison.
They call it a cattery but it's really just a prison cell. No carpets. No sofa for scratching. Horrible disinfectant smells. Strange cats nearby. 
What's not to hate.
We do not deserve this. I have tried and failed to escape and I am miserable.
She, meanwhile, is having a good time eating fish in Normandy..... 
Sometimes humans are really vile. I shall make her pay for it later.



Want to know more of how to live with a human - read here

Walls and fencing - human barriers versus cat barriers

Walls, and fencing are cat highways. As every cat knows. They allow us to travel from house to house along the back of a street. They form useful refuges from passing dogs. And they generally make life easier for urban cats.
Yet the joke is that humans think they are barriers.
They put up walls to keep people and dogs out and some are silly enough to think they will keep us out. Just the reverse. They facilitate our movements.
The real cat walls and fencing are scent marks. We leave a scent mark to tell other cats WHERE and WHEN we were. They can choose whether to enter shared territory or stay away. 
Humans do not understand this because they are nose blind. 
And just stoopid. 


Read more on human stupidity by buying my guide here

The blessing of a cat

Humans occasionally show their gratitude. This week, my human finally wrote something which I can fully appreciate, even if I longed to get my paws on it and change some of the sentiments... 

My book not hers.

May you be blessed with a cat...

May you be blessed with a cat,

A starving stray from the street

Or a scruffy kitten from a shelter,

Who hides under the bed

For the first few days

May you be blessed with cat fur

On the new carpet,

On your best clothes,

On your bed and

In little balls in the washing machine

May you be blessed with scratches,

Happy scratches on the sofa,

Exploring scratches on wallpaper,

Greeting scratches on the door mat,

And sometimes even on the scratch post.

May you be blessed with a warm body

Close to you on the sofa,

On your lap while watching TV,

Spread out on the bed asleep

Or even snuggled under the duvet.

May you be blessed with purring.

Loud purring requesting food,

Happy purring when stroked in the right places.

Gentle purring during the night,

While both of you sink into sleep.

May you be blessed with that look,

The urgent look requesting food,

The look that says: “Play please,”

The look of loving contempt

That says “You are not my superior.”

You may not know if you own or are owned

But this love too is stronger than death.

                        c.. Celia Haddon

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Human presumption and feline punishment....

Naturally the human publishers are anxious to stay on the right side of their best selling feline author. They sent me a package of expensive goodies. Very correct. Very pleasing.
Unfortunately, they did not check in advance about what I would like to eat... They presumed. As humans do.
I felt their presumption needed a punishment.
I gobbled up the expensive wet cat food fast. Then I felt slightly ill.
Then I threw it up on the new carpet.



* For more detail on how to maximise the impact of throwing up order a copy of A Cat's Guide to Humans, here.

Life of a feline artist - success.

At last... my book is officially published. A Cat's Guide to Humans from A-Z. And this time my name is on the cover. Feline friends can purchase it here. The more you know about your humans, the better.
Several years ago when I published a training manual for fellow cats (One Hundred Ways to Train your Human) my human stole the copyright and claimed credit.This time it is different.  I am now an acknowledged feline author.
It's been a struggle, I admit. I needed to take a cool look at humans in general as well as my particular human. There is so much in their behaviour which is alien and sometimes disgusting to a normal cat. I needed to set aside my natural feelings and study them without prejudice. 
Manipulating or managing a human is the basis of all good cat-human relationships. 
Now at last there is a guide.
I hope it will contribute to better feline understanding of this strange species we have domesticated.

Human feet - enticing but useless

Naked human feet are tempting. They have an enticing scent, a mixture of body odour, sock, and leather shoe. Sniffing them is fun. Licking them - which some cats do - is usually not very rewarding, unless you have a human who goes barefoot and picks up interesting smells from the ground.
Those little piggy toes, which can wriggle, are fun to pounce on. Particularly in the middle of the night when your human goes to use its strange water-based litter tray. Try it. The human scream is really thrilling.
The strange thing about human feet is how useless they are for humans. True, they are flat so that humans can walk on two legs (not an advantage), but most of modern human feet are too soft to walk without the protection of shoes.
Despite being soft, flat sole of the foot is very insensitive compared with our paws. Humans cannot feel the earth vibrating through the soles of their feet. Feet are useless, therefore, for warning  about predators. Just occasionally there is a single hair or two on the top of the foot among the elderly. But there are no charming little tufts of fur between the toes like ours.
The toes can wriggle a bit but are relatively immobile. They can't grasp anything. They don't have claws, either retractable ones like us or ordinary claws like a dog. Their nails don't DO anything. They can't open cat food with their feet.
In a word, human feet may be tempting to play but they are otherwise useless.



* Coming shortly, my guide to human management and training...
I am blogging early because I have sent my human to do an update day at Lincoln University.

Advice to Larry the First Cat

Dogs look up to humans, while we look down on them. Why does this matter? It gives humans ideas above their station in life. Just look the disasters that have happened to the British Prime Minister since he imported a dog into Number Ten Downing St... It's pathetic to see a dog rolling on its back in front of a human. Or putting its face between its paws in a kind of bow. They can't help it. They seem to think that humans are some kind of superior being.  That feeds into the human idea that they own us. Own us? They may own the dog but they certainly don't own a cat. We live independent lives which we may choose to share with them. But only from a position of feline superiority.

My advice to Larry the Downing St cat is to institute an immediate obedience training programme for the new First Dog, while it is still a pup. Get in there with a few well timed paw swipes.

With luck, Dylin the dog will be out of Number Ten very shortly, but there's a chance he may wheedle his way back in after a general election.

Start a punishment regime NOW. 

Coming shortly - more canine advice in my new book.

Why humans cannot pounce.

Toby demonstrates the high pounce

"Four legs good: two legs bad!" is a slogan invented by a human as a sneer in a work of fiction. Actually, it's a good slogan for all of us quadrupeds. It's actually true....
What do we gain by four legs? For a start,  increased stability, the ability to manage on only three legs if we lose one in an accident and more power to the back legs. We jump high and land so gently that we can grab a mouse at the same time.
If humans do a high jump, they land in a heap. They can't pounce properly.
The only advantage they gain are hands with fingers and thumbs. Good for opening cat food tins and envelopes, I guess. While we can carry only one mouse at a time in our mouths, they could carry two - one in each hand. Only they don't.

 Coming shortly

They don't have our front paw sensitivity. We can feel a small rodent moving in the grass with our front paws and we can feel the texture of surfaces where we walk. We can walk silently. 
Ever seen a human trying to stalk silently? It's pathetic. Their immobile feet plonk down on the earth's surface so heavily that any decent animal can hear or feel this for yards and yards. And because they have to stand on their back legs, they cannot slink properly either.
Hopeless for slinking. Hopeless for pouncing. But good for opening cat food containers.

#Mew Too. Unwanted touching.

We cats have private body areas just like humans. 
No, we do not want strangers to grope us in certain areas - the butt, under the tail, or just before the tail, the belly or even all the way down the back.
Yet humans ignore our feelings and purrsist in doing this. They will pet us. 
They put their hands onto and into our private places and then are upset if we nip them.
What else are we meant to do? Just put up with it?
Message to humans: Respect our bodies. Don't touch without our consent. 
Or get bitten.

* Coming shortly, my guide to human management and training

#Mew Too. Stop human pick ups.

What can a cat do?
A huge human swoops down, lifts you up with your legs dangling, and then clasps you to her/his chest for an unwanted cuddle.
It's upsetting. It's disgusting. It's a gross intrusion into purrsonal space.
Most of us cats do not like being picked up. Least of all by strangers. We have not given our purrmission for this. 
If we wanted to get to a human chest, we could purrfectly well climb up with our claws, like climbing a tree. 
What gives them the right to do this to us?
Larry the Downing St cat deals with this in his own way. He window-silled President Trump. He blew off minister Rory Stewart. And his ears showed purrfectly clearly what he thought of the Boorish Johnson photo op. Indeed, he made the prime minister stoop to get into the photo.
Felines, awake. Join the feline Mew Too Movement. Stop human pick ups NOW.


 *Next week. Unwanted Touching

INTRODUCING MYSELF - AUTHOR GEORGE

Dear Readers,
Just a few words to let you know about myself, now that I have taken over from my Uncle George.
I am the published author of A-Z. A Cat's Guide to Humans.  
(My uncle wrote a book but shamefully the publishers refused to credit him: giving credit to Celia Haddon instead.)
As you can see from my picture, I am not a cat that allows humans to mess me about.
I instructed my agent that the book would only come out, if I was given due credit. So there is my name on the cover.
At last a book by a cat.
The book describes the ethology of so-called Homo Sapiens and gives valuable hints on how to live with the species.
I have had to soften my opinions a little in the book, in order to stay within feline political correctness. 
This blog will reveal the hard hitting truths behind the book.... don't miss the revelations to come....
Next week - why we need a Mew Too movement. 

 

The cats that helped....

It is time to retire, to relax and do more sleeping. I started this blog the best part of 12 years ago when I was a kitten. I had loads of energy then, but now I find I am getting tired. My arthritis is playing up too.

Fluffy and Cayenne relaxing

I did not write this blog on my own. It was written with the help of three friends Fluffy, Cayenne and Chico and typed by Michelle Schulder of Canada. She also typed in letters by many other Canadian cats, and I cannot thank her enough.  As humans go, she is one of the best - even if that is not saying much!
Nephew George (his photo is above) will be introducing himself next week and is already busy at the word processor. Because of human interference with my sex life, George is my nearest relative. He has worked very hard to get proper qualifications and is an author in his own right -- but that is for him to tell you next week.

Goodbye all my readers. I shall be doing some hard sleep work, dreaming of mice rather than letters.

Of mice, moonlight and Colin Firth

Dear George,

I’m thinking of becoming a magician! Do you know of any cats that turned magicians?

Last night I’ve watched with my mommy “Magic in the moonlight”. I loved the movie!

I love Colin Firth (hope you like him too)

Anyway, in the movie, right in the beginning, he makes a whole elephant to disappear!

Wow! Just like this - magic! I’ve got hooked on the movie and the tricks performed by world magicians! So, I was thinking to perform a magician’s trick for my mummy’s birthday entitled “Mouse on a run in the moonlight” I have the “moon” as you can see in the photo attached and I know the trick to get the mouse in! 

But, how do I make it stay inside that light globe and run like a guinea pig on a treadmill? That’s where I need your help! What do you think? Can we make it work?

With much appreciation

Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,

First catch your mouse! Then kill it. I don't think it will stay in that beautiful moon, whatever you do, if it is still alive. It will drop or leap out. And then you have a living mouse on the floor running around the house - something which scares human beings. 

They are a fearful species when it comes to rodents. They don't catch them. They don't eat them. And when we try to help out by bringing one in the house, they often stand on chairs shrieking. Now this is fun for us, but apparently not for them.
So, anything involving a mouse, will not work for a human.
Yours
George.
PS. My nephew, George 11 (see right photo),  is trying very hard to learn how to type with his paws. Readers will learn why next week. And also why the photo at the top has changed.