Showing posts with label human behaviour patterns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label human behaviour patterns. Show all posts

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Emotionally blackmailed..... by humans?

Dear George, 
I need your help to determine if my human is indeed emotionally blackmailing me or not. My brother, Blackie, got this idea in his head and it’s bugging me now. You see, I’m the Master Mouser of the House! All…from mice to humans both respect and fear me (as you can see from the photos attached). My brother is more of an artist; he’s more interested in gossip, food and spying on humans. He won’t know what to do with a mouse; he’ll simply hide in a cupboard away from the strange creature.
So, my point here is that he can be a bit ….off too, but he was telling me about a conversation between my “daddy” and a friend he overheard the other day. Apparently my daddy (and I call him so as I know I’m his favourite) told his friend (talking about me) that “I better be nice to him and never complain about him as the roast, the turkey, the chicken, the steak and the fish…come from his plate”
I mean…what did he mean by that? Did I ever count or list the prey I shared with him? Did I ever remind him of the mice, the rats, the bugs, spiders or night butterflies we shared? What is this?  George, with your expertise in human behaviour I hope you’ll help me determine if my brother was right! Is my daddy emotionally blackmailing me?
And…if he is…what should I do? Cut him off mice? Rats? What?
Hurt and confused
Spokey 



Dear Spokey,
We cats do emotional blackmail. Not humans.  I doubt if the normal human is intelligent enough to do this, though I suppose I should not rule it out entirely. There is a range of intelligence among humans and while almost all fall well below our intelligence level, it is possible that the odd genius human is as bright as we are.
You must take action immediately. Punish him. If he is like most humans, then start sharing your prey with him in the middle of the night. Stash away a living or half living mouse and then jump on the bed with it at about 3am.  Or start playing games on the bed at about that time - leaping on to his middle regions (that should hurt!), poking at his toes below the duvet, or just sitting on his head.
A programme of aggressive grooming should be instituted. As he is sitting on the chair, jump on to the back of the chair and groom his head. Concentrate on the bald bits if there are any. If not fiercely pull some of the hair. Nibble his ears if within reach and see if you can pull some of the ear hairs. Most humans find this excruciatingly painful.
Withdraw affection. Remember cats can use emotional blackmail with an exquisite grace. If there are visitors to the house, rub on the legs and jump on their laps purring with pleasure. Gaze lovingly into their eyes. Then, if your human makes any move towards you, run away as if terrified. Try to create the impression that he has been cruel to you in the past.
That'll teach him to blackmail you.
Yours cheerfully
George.
PS. Blogspot seems to be on the blink. So if this layout looks odd it is due to that.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Are humans entitled to more privacy?


Dear George,
Here is the question of the week; are humans really entitled to more privacy than us?
The reason I’m asking you this is because you are an expert in human behaviour and lately I had some rundowns with my human female, of course!
I think she is a pathetic hypocrite; first of all, if she’s using the bathroom she’s closing the door. Why? When I’m using the bathroom she gets in and checks the litter box “to see what I did”. How sick is this? Do I look in her water bowl? She doesn’t even have a proper litter box – they use something that flashes! Phew! If she’s taking a shower, again, she pulls a curtain all the way so I can’t see what she’s doing in the bathtub. I’m sure she’s embarrassed that she is incapable of grooming herself the proper way like we, the cats do. Guess….she doesn’t have enough saliva so she does have to use that thing that spits out water and they call it a shower. Why does she need a curtain? Does she have something to hide? I, for sure, have nothing to hide as you can see in the photo. I can groom and clean myself anywhere in the house even if I’m not pleased at all when they are taking photos of me grooming or start giggling looking at me. I usually ignore them but, today I got really pissed when she yelled “hey, can I have some privacy in this house”? Then, again….WHY? I don’t have these problems with my daddy! Are human females prude or just plain hypocrites? Are they really entitled to more privacy?

Truly distressed
Fluffy

Dear Fluffy, 

Human behaviour is sometimes extremely odd. Many humans seem to have an obsession about being private during perfectly normal activities, such as eliminating and washing.  It's impossible to know why for sure. Maybe they are ashamed of their bodies because they don't have proper fur? Though hairless Sphinx cats don't behave in this way. I'm glad that your male human doesn't have this hang up - though it's slightly odd to me that males usually spray in the same place, the ceramic bowl. 
Entitled to more privacy? I think not. Humans don't really have rights, like cats do. They are not entitled to anything. But we can look at it another way.  We have duties of care towards them. If your human female doesn't want to let you into the bathroom (due to shame or prudery or perhaps fur envy), it would be kinder of you just to stay away. She can't help it: it's just one of the many human failings.
Yes, I do think they have to use water because they don't have enough saliva. And that pathetic thing they call a tongue. Can't do anything much with that except for a small lick. It's smooth not rough and it doesn't have proper muscle. They can't help that either.
So there you are, Fluffy. We have to accept them as they are, poor things. And remember to be kind to them.

Keep calm and carry on,
George.


Saturday, July 13, 2013

Victory! Victory! Victory!

 
Dear George,
Victory! I finally kicked out my parents from the master bedroom and the master bed, of course!
Look at me in the pictures attached to see how happy I am. But, let me tell you how I did it J  This past Monday was a culmination of about 10 days and nights with over 100% humidity and 30 degrees (Celsius).  Everybody was just exhausted by the heat and lying motionless on the bed.
That’s when a major storm hit us and by-by power; for 2 days and nights we had no electricity and no A/C. That was my chance George! I pretended that I can’t sleep unless I’m close to them and started sleeping between the two snuggling either with her or him.
By the second night neither one of them could take it anymore; the first to leave was him, of course.
He moved in a spare bedroom with a small bed; soon she followed him….but in a different spare bedroom. Ha! Ha! Ha! Not only that I have the whole master bedroom for me now ….but I managed to get them separated at night too! And this is a good thing, right?
George, the truth is that I’m in a bit of a dilemma and I need your advice. The other day I heard the human kitten (who calls himself a young professional – whatever that is) that my human parents are somewhere in Europe. That scared me a little. Do you think I kicked them too hard?
That hard that they got to Europe?  How do I bring them back?
A little scared
CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria
Many congratulations for a huge feline achievement. You have succeeded where so many of us have failed. You have managed to keep your humans off your bed altogether. This is the pinnacle of the cat master plan, the apex of human training, the gold standard for the cat-human relationship. Congratulations.
You've done it. You have proved that you are in total control.....
Now be generous. You know you can do it, so now you are free to take pity on them. Remember humans are emotional beings that need feline contact. If they cannot sleep in your company they may start suffering separation distress - becoming vocal, clinging, trying to pick you up, interrupting your sleep, harassing you for affection. They can't help it: it's just their general neediness.
This is the moment to be generous. Let them have a little bit of your bed at night.  
Yours 
George. 

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Dear George,
Should I marry my human?  This is the issue of the day, now that Karl Lagerfeld the fashion designer has admitted that he wants to marry his cat, Choupette. He has fallen in love with her.
Nothing surprising about that, you might say, - the falling in love. We know that humans can become almost entirely emotionally focussed upon their cat or cats. Some refuse to go on holiday or even away for the day, because it will mean an absence from their loved one. 
But marriage? This isn't really a feline relationship. We do friendships but not marriage. I wonder if it would just make the human even more hopelessly dependent. What do you think?
Yours doubtfully
Beauty.

Dear Beauty,
Marriage between a cat and a human would not be a good idea. Sure, humans might want it and might enjoy it. But it will put an awful strain on the cat. We felines like our freedom - freedom to walk down the road for a second breakfast, freedom to sit by another person's fire while our humans are out, freedom not to come when called. Marriage would be the union of one person and one cat for life - no two timing.
Besides, it is unnatural.There, I have said it. We don't do that sort of thing. Those of us lucky enough to have kept our sexual powers, go out on to the roof tops to mate. Most litters of kittens have more than one father. We queue up for it! It makes perfect sense, in an evolutionary way, to have a diverse litter so that more kittens may survive. That's not the way of marriage.
You have also spotted the other major problem. Humans can become hopelessly dependent on us - Karl Lagerfeld is a good example of this. We need to help them be a little more adult about their love for us and a little less needy. Marriage won't help: it will harm these pathetic humans.
Yours sincerely
George.
PS. I wouldn't want to marry Karl Lagerfeld or even have a civil union with him. He's too old for me.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Caring for your elderly human

Dear George,
As you know, George, I am a house rabbit living with two elderly humans. There's a lot of talk about living with an elderly rabbit but what about advice for bunnies about living with elderly humans? Every evening we play together and have cuddles on the floor. The last time she creaked her way down, she kissed and fluffed my rear bumper mistaking it for my head and ears. She soon realised what she had done and apologised but it was a bit of a surprise at the time. What if her eyes get worse and she doesn't see me near her feet and squashes me? I'll have to be more wary in the future because when I flop out both ends look pretty well the same. So they say. I'm going to doze now, put on my disapproving look  and worry about it.
Yours with some anxiety
Harvey
PS. This is a worry I did not put into my autobiography (buy it here). I didn't want her to read it.

Dear Harvey,
Elderly humans are a worry. There's no doubt about it. They require much more care than younger humans. You can't sit on their face, for instance, when having a nap - they might stop breathing altogether. Sometimes they can't even bend down to give one a proper pet.
Obviously your Janet is quite healthy for her age since she can get down to the floor.  Some older ones can't do that at all. Of course, she does show her age when leavering herself slowly back up again: that that's to be expected.
Specsavers. That's what she needs if she can't tell the difference between your rear end and the front with the head and ears. Her eyesight is obviously going wrong. That's another failing in elderly humans. That and arthritis.
And, of course, some of them lose it altogether. At the best of times humans have limited cognitive powers. Some of the older ones can't think at all. You have to step pretty smartly to make sure they don't fall over you but, if you are lucky, they will forget they have fed you and give you a second meal within a few moments.
Yours
George.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Feline artist's model - I resent being dressed up

Dear George
What’s wrong with humans? Why are they so different than us? The other day my female human, who, by the way,  pretends to be an artist and keeps painting strange portraits of cats, asked me to be her muse for a portrait! Ugh! Well, not only that I resent staying still for long periods of time (because of her inabilities as an artist) but, I resent very much to be dressed up. Look at my photo with that horrible collar and you’ll understand! She had the guts to convince me that horrible thing it’s a “Victorian style collar”! Ha! As soon as I critiqued her knowledge and turned my back to her no-sense attempt of art she got really upset. I even thought for a moment that I won’t get any dinner.  Later that night  when she started being nice to me and rubbed my belly talking sweet talk I got really worried; I knew she’s up to something! Man, you can’t trust these humans!
Then I’ve seen what she was up to – take a look at my photo behind the bars!
George, is this a proof of her love or craziness?
Please help me understanding my human!

CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
The key to understanding any human is to realize that their species is a primitive life form.  They don't think like we do. They can't think like we do. Their brains are overloaded with unnecessary ideas, which in their arrogance they call "higher order thoughts." Actually, these are ridiculous thought forms that get in the way of a natural and adaptive life.
So, instead of getting on with her duties as a housekeeper to you, Victoria, your human is time-wasting with ideas about art. Regular delivery of cat food and belly rubbing (when she finally got round to it) are the activities that she should be concentrating on. But her absurd human brain has got in the way.
Art, though it may be a distraction from what matters in the cat-human relationship, is one thing. Dressing up cats is another. Yes, of course, it is crazy.
I have a theory that humans are so devastatingly envious of our natural coat of fur, that they sometimes cannot help themselves. They start dressing us up, in order to pretend to themselves that we look better in clothes.
We don't. Next time you see that damn collar coming anywhere near you, Victoria, hide under the bed. Or put your back up and strike out with all four claws. This human behaviour requires punishment.
Yours sympathetically
George

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Brush addiction - it's her problem, not mine

 
Dear George,
I must admit I got inspired by Jake’s letter last week and I started paying more attention to my human’s behavior. I truly believe that humans use “us” as excuses for their addictions, emotional and psychological problems! We, cats, are not “psychologically” handicapped or damaged….but humans definitely are! Let’s me give you just one example and you’ll be the judge! George, if you remember I took up meditation as a way to cope with being home alone for long periods of time and to avoid knocking down THAT vase that my human loves that much. Being an indoor cat and being bored it’s no fun! A week ago my human came home with a special brush – it is called a “kong brush” (you can see it in the picture) – and start brushing me. Of course I liked it and I liked the attention I was getting….so I start stretching giving her “meows” of approval.
But soon I realized that my human has a “brush addiction” if this is possible.
Guess she can’t sleep just thinking of that brush and brushing – I can’t explain otherwise why she’s up at 6 in the morning brushing me and then in the evening and before bed again. I heard her telling someone that “her baby” (that’s me …for your records) is “addicted to this brush” and that I’m drooling with pleasure when brushed!  Way far from the truth!  As I said before, I like the attention, I like to be brushed but far from being addicted. George, she doesn’t realize that IT IS more her need than mine but what can I do since she has no hair and I can’t brush her! Any advice?
Hugs
Shumba

Dear Shumba,
Psychological projection is a known attitude among human beings, as all human behaviour experts like me will confirm. Humans cannot face their own inadequacies, their own faults, and their own ridiculous attitudes. By pretending that these belong to us, not them, they are able to stay in a state of denial.
I have no difficulty in believing that your human is suffering from brush addiction, a example of codependancy in which she needs to brush you more than you need to be brushed. The act of brushing will satisfy her caretaking needs and (more healthily) give her the pleasure of seeing your pleasure. By pretending it is you who are addicted to brushing, she does not have to examine her own need to be needed.
Women who love cats too much are common in our society. Personally, I do not bother to put in place a behaviour modification programme for them, unless the welfare of their feline owners is suffering. For example, women who dress up cats, put them in prams to take for a walk, or collect a house full of cats, are showing pathological altruism. Do they need help? Yes, but normally projection and denial will mean they are not willing to change. Thus help must be focussed on the suffering cats.
Your human does not fall into this category, fortunately. The human need to be needed by their cat can be quite pleasurable for the cat - better quality food, more of it, new cat beds appearing regularly, human body warmth in the bed during cold nights.
Just let her keep brushing. If you get fed up with it, just rise to your feet and sit looking dignified. If need be get high up. But usually a dignified sneer will put a stop to what has become human harassment.
Hugs
George.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Stressed, unhappy and never off the litter tray... what's going on?

Dear George,  
I am a very troubled boy, and I hope that you can help me.
 I lived in a nice house with my human, and I liked it very much. I had all my things around me, direct access to the garden and I was very comfortable and relaxed there. It was my house – my home!
 Then about 8 weeks ago, there was lots of disruptions all my things were packed away and I was put in my cat basket and taken to another house – a strange house, with lots of strange smells…and none of them my comforting home smells. Obviously I was distressed by this and began meowing continuously to my human and pacing up and down the rooms. My human tried to comfort me by stroking me and talking softly to me. She also put down worn items of her clothing in different rooms so I could smell her everywhere around the house, but it still didn’t calm me.
 As the weeks went on my agitation grew and I just couldn’t settle. My agitation was made worse by the fact that we are now living in a flat, so I have to go out of my house and down a strange ‘shared’ corridor to get outside. And there is another cat who lives next door to us that uses the corridor too, and he didn’t take kindly to me using it and spat at me. Now I am even more upset. My human bought some Feliway plug ins, and whilst they calm me down for a while, my anxiety comes back.
 I have taken to using my litter tray constantly, sometimes as much as every ten minutes, which has given me a very sore and irritated bottom and I sometimes have a bit of blood in my urine. My human is very, very worried about me and doesn’t know where to turn.
 A few months before the move, I got lost for a number of weeks before I was found and re-united with my human. I was a rather traumatised from the experience, but soon settled down back in my home. So I don’t know if this has anything to do with my reaction now at the house move?
 Can you help me George and help my human to understand why I’m behaving like this and not settling down?
 Yours tearfully,
 Thomas.

Dear Thomas,
There is few things more upsetting to a cat than moving house. There you are settled and happy in your territory, when suddenly your pet human stuffs you in a cat box and turns you out into a strange new place. All the smells are wrong. You don't know where anything is. And it feels very very unsafe.
Most of us hide under the bed for a day or two. But some sensitive cats like you suffer from stress-induced illness. All that going to the litter tray is, I fear, a sign of cystitis. Vets (loathsome people) call it FIC, Feline Idiopathic Cystitis.  "Idiopathic" just means "we don't know the cause." But we cats do know the cause. It's stress due to house moving.
The earlier trauma of getting lost will not have helped. That must have been unsettling and probably also very frightening. Then this... poor Thomas. Even loathsome vets know that moving house is stressful for cats and can result in FIC.
Having to share the corridor with another strange cat (who hisses because he is frightened too) is another stress. Perhaps your humans could invest in a cat ladder letting you go outside from the window. Or put several cardboard boxes with entrances in them, where you can hide if the strange cat passes by. Or just keep you safely in the flat till you have recovered. My human's website has some suggestions for how to make indoor life more interesting for you.
Why humans insist on changing their territory is beyond my imagination.  They are a very insensitive species. Your letter makes me feel angry about their ridiculous behaviour.
They must reduce your stress and read the instructions at  http://www.catexpert.co.uk/cats/reasons-why-your-cat-feels-stressed-and-unhappy-and-what-to-do-about-them/
Yours with sympathy,
George.
PS. We hate vets but this is one time when you need their help.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Do they think I am a hamster? They've bought me a wheel.

Dear George,
I am an indoor cat and I have to admit life can be very boring at times. My humans are out half the day and I am left alone with nothing much to do except stare out of the window. 
But now they have bought a cat wheel. This huge item is stuck to the wall and they think I am going to get in side and walk around like a hamster. I am completely stunned by this development. It's cost them a fortune, they say.
What should I do? Try it out? Ignore it altogether? At the moment I am punishing their cheek by resolutely refusing to go anywhere near it.This is worrying them a great deal - which is as it should be! But I am tempted....
Yours in a dilemma
Caspar

Dear Caspar,
Steady on.... you did the right thing. We cats should always refuse to use new equipment that has been bought for us. New bed? Don't sleep on or in it. New cat toy? Ignore it. The greater the expense of the gift, the more we must shun it.
It's a matter of timing. Ignore and shun the new item.  Wait till you hear your humans talking about getting rid of it - then use it. This way of winding up humans puts them on their toes. Keeps them waiting for our approval. Makes them keener to try to try harder.
As for the wheel, well I must say it did surprise me when I saw the photo. I have seen them, of course, in those frustrating cages that contain small rodents. The little furries seem to love them but I have always found the noise of a hamster in his wheel very irritating. I want to get in there and stop it, or rather get in there and eat it. Hamsters are such delicious snacks.
As for your wheel, I suggest that you try it surreptitiously when your humans are not in the house. You might find you like it. Apparently it has been tried in zoos and some zoo animals enjoy using it. Rather like one of those fairground wheels that humans pay money to use. You can use it while they are out: and keep them waiting before you let them see you. Then, if you like it, you can use it at 3 am. I bet it makes a noise that will irritate them!
Best of luck and please report back. I'm lucky to be a cat with a catflap, so I am never bored.
Yours with interest
George
PS. My internet friend Harvey has published his book. He beat me to it. Buy one for £6.50 incl p&p UK from Figaro Publishing, 20, Meadow Lane, Little Houghton, NN7 1AH, UK

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Celebrity and fame - will it change me?

Dear George,
I am now a celebrity - two huge pages about me in the Daily Mail. Possibly more to come from the Daily Express. A whole book title devoted to me - Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. Admittedly the title is awful but the subtitle about how I rescued my human is acceptable.
I am mentioned on the internet and I am something like 7000 in the Amazon rankings for the UK - well, the book is. But the book is me.
Do you have any tips on how to handle fame? Do you think it will change me from a home-loving mousing cat, into a show cat? Will humans treat me differently?
Yours anxiously,
Tilly.


Dear Tilly,
You are experiencing a change in status which occurs to many cats. Most of us feline bloggers - and there are thousands now -- become celebrities. I consider that I have been a celeb since about 2009.
The temptation is to give up on your human. I know I went through this phase. I looked at Celia and I thought: "Who is this little person? This non-celebrity human! Couldn't I do better?"  I started sneering at her. Well, I have always sneered occasionally, but now I began to sneer almost all the time.
She seemed beneath me - not just below me due to her humble status as a mere Homo sapiens (LOL), but below me due to her lack of public recognition. Nobody knew who she was. She got no fan letters, no interesting emails. She just didn't have a public.
My attitude was a mistake. I admit it now. I got too big for my puss-in-boots. Luckily, she continued to serve me, feed me, act as doorkeeper, bed warmer and general factotum. I started to see that, while she was inferior both in species and celebritydom, she had her place, her humble place, in my life.
It is the mark of a gentlecat to be kind to inferiors. As you cope with the fans and the publicity, keep this in mind.
Yours sincerely,
George
PS. Mousing has never lost its appeal, despite my fame.

Saturday, July 07, 2012

Finger snapping - not-so-good and mouse in the house - wonderful.



Dear George,
I don’t know if it was the Full Moon or your game with that artificial mind but we had quite few problems with our male human this week. But, first let me introduce myself! I’m Blackie (right) and my brother is Spockie (below)! We live with our adopted human couple and their two human kittens. I could easily say that we are a happy family! 
The only problem we have lately is “communicating” properly with our human daddy.  He is a computer wiz but has a very limited vocabulary! He doesn’t meow….he snaps fingers! One snap – the human kittens go up-stairs! Two snaps – cats go downstairs! Can you imagine this? Spockie takes off right away but I prefer, for most of the time, to simply ignore him! 
Now, we have another crisis! We got a mouse in a kitchen cupboard; in fact - confirmed by the loud screams of our human mommy! We were very excited to do what cats do! The human kittens were quite thrilled too to be part of the hunt….but our “human daddy” didn’t want us on top of the counters! What a pity! How does he think we are going to catch the mouse? Would he design some software or new application for this? Or is he expecting the mouse to open the door and say “hey, come get me”!?
George, what do you think we should do? Is it possible that our “daddy” got an artificial mind and maybe the wrong software installed in it? Or maybe he got a virus?  Can an artificial mind go bad? But, most important - how can we train him to meow?
Teaching him to meow correctly is of paramount importance!
Waiting for your advice!
Blackie


Dear Blackie,
The effect of computers on the human mind is troubling, very troubling. I understand the fascination of the mouse (I will get to the real mouse later), even though their computer mouse is hard, cold and smells of plastic. But what of that odd screen, rather like a TV only with tiny mouse tracks running across it.
They stare at it for hours and hours. I like to see humans doing human stuff but this is an obsession. Worse, they are ignoring us. 
I suggest a sustained campaign of interference with this activity. Both of you should interpose your body between the human and the screen. Lie on the keyboard (I do this - it's not too uncomfortable). Walk on to one of the digits so there is a trail of tracks like this one --wwwwwwwwwwwww...
The finger snapping behaviour (possibly brought on by computer obsession) should simply be ignored. Go downstairs by all means but never ever when you hear him snap his fingers. Training out this irritating snapping will take some time (humans have poor cognition)  and you should allow about six weeks before the activity stops. Be aware that in the first week he will snap his fingers more often and more frantically than before. This is known as the extinction effect as the pet tries even harder to get attention and results. 
I don't think you can train him to meow. Humans do not have the power of feline speech. They are dumb creatures. You have to accept their limitations.
Now the real mouse. Aren't you lucky little cats! Many happy hours of hunting lie ahead. The best times will be while your humans are asleep. If you are fortunate enough to catch the rodent, don't forget to run upstairs and deposit it upon the double bed. Your humans will be delighted at this thoughtful gift* and proud of your pest controlling success.
Yours
George.
PS. On second thoughts, having deposited the mouse on their bed, scram. Instead of being grateful, some humans are violent.





Saturday, June 23, 2012

There's no people like show people for hip dysplasia, obesity and bad hair.



Dear George,
Recently I took my daddy for a walk since my sister, Cayenne, was busy with her visits to her chiropractor. We came across a big advertising sign about a “pet show”. I thought it was a show about our human pets; something like Miss or Mr. Universe, the stupid thing where humans show the world how silly or ignorant they really are. Well, I found out to my complete dismay that the show was about dogs and cats, not humans! I understand dogs being eager to obey and become overnight stars like that little dog in the movie…..but cats? CATS rule the world, we run quite few prime ministers’ offices, and we are associating ourselves with intelligent and well trained humans. We do not need to be put in a cage and have ignorant people looking at us and asking stupid questions. I heard someone saying: “why the cats’ owners are not so friendly?” or “why the cats don’t look happy like the dogs?” This type of questions shows that when it comes to human ignorance….the sky is the limit! First and foremost; we do not have owners! We own all and everything! We trained our human pets to not be friendly! Second – who can feel happy being in a cage and kept for hours “on display”? Only dogs and humans!
George, I think we all should unite and do something against this type of shows.
What do you think?
Love
Fluffy
PS. I attached a photo of an unhappy royalty at the show instead of mine!

Dear Fluffy,
Lovely  photos of fed up cats. No wonder. Cat shows are so booorrrrring.  That ginger Persian looks really cross. He's probably been in that cage for hours and hours. And all he sees is ridiculous humans walking up and down and staring at him. Then he's taken out, handled by a stranger on a table, and generally demeaned in the eyes of all the other cats. No wonder he's had enough of it. 
 And the humans. My dear Fluffy, you have no idea of the sheer ugliness of the species until you go to a cat show. Many of them have obvious genetic faults -- hip displasia, soft palate troubles (worse than the ones afflicted Persians), blood disorders, arthritis. You name any disorder or ugliness - humans that go to cat shows have got it. I blame it all on the passion humans have for breeding. They will purrsist in mating at random when everbody knows that humans should be neutered and spayed.  
 Don't let your human go anywhere near a cat show again. He might get the idea of putting you in the pet classes. Can you believe it? Cats that are put into cat shows have to endure being washed. It's not just hours of boredom at the show; there are also hours of boredom at home while you are washed, brushed, teeth cleaned, and generally messed about by humans. Meeeow.... There's no people like show people - unbelievably awful.          
Yours George.            
PS. My human secretary is a bit unreliable due to her mate being very ill. She's also written a book titled Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. Tilly intends to reveal her feelings of outraged privacy about it - probably next week or the week after. 

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Look at our wonderful cat walk!


Dear George,
We are sending you some photos of our cat walk. Before this exc
ellent bit of wooden architecture was installed, we had to balance on the top of a precarious fence. This made our human nervous for our welfare. (She calls herself a cat behaviourist - the cheek of it). So she built this and we admit it is an excellent idea.
It makes an excellent walk way up and down the garden. There are resting stations at various points, on which we can loll, roll and even sleep. We can also use it for proper supervision of our human’s gardening attempts – we don’t want to miss a chance to use the fine tilth litter area she digs (she calls it a seed bed).

And of course, we have joined Neighbourhood Watch. Nothing happens in the cat world that we cannot see. And because we have such a stable resting place, we can see off intruders.
Yours truly,
Nimai and Syama.

Dear Nimai and Syama,
Clever idea. Humans are such dumb creatures so it is always a pleasant surprise when they make a big cognitive leap forward. The walkway is a short step for cats but a giant step for humankind.
It's all down to inspiration, of course. We cats can sometimes inspire great cognitive efficiency in our humans. I see (from the link) that your human has studied cats. Poor darlings. Mine has done some of the same studies she did. Mine has studied long and hard. It's so sweet. And I can still so easily outwit her! LOL.
Now I look at your cat walk, I think it would also fit inside a human house. A range of walks like this would give valuable vertical space for indoor only cats. We cat flap cats can always run up a tree if we need to look down on our humans (so healing if we are feeling down hearted). Indoor cats sometimes don't have much vertical space.
So, you indoor cats reading this blog. Entice your human to the computer to read this. And get them working on some nice wooden walkways.
Love
George

PS. The photos are Nimai and Syoma's copyright.


Friday, January 27, 2012

Fat cats of the world unite against bankers.


Dear George,
You have frequently expressed your outrage at the judgmental use of the term ‘fat cat’ to describe an exploitative and possibly criminal rogue capitalist. Now I have discovered this photo on a viral marketing campaign by those Occupy people. This is the photo.
I worry that our humans, whose intelligence is, as we know, so very limited, will blame our chubbier associates for the collapse our
the world banking system. If we marched upon St Paul’s and occupied their tents, do you think they would be more sensitive?
Yours in the struggle,
Scaramouche.


Dear Scaramouche,

I share your outrage. Not a day goes by without more appalling photos of cats with a certain embonpoint. There's now a whole website devoted to photographs of disgusting humans on Wall St with large cats (I will not use the word "fat" to save the cats concerned embarassment) photoshopped on. Is this website funny? Not if you are a cat.
My friend Pusskin is particularly worried that some idiotic and unfeeling human will steal this photograph, showing him relaxing at home, and put it next to an unpleasant be-suited human. He is a cat of impeccable character, unlike these Wall St spivs, and has nothing to do with banking whatsoever. He is extremely upset that some of the cats on this website look remarkably like him.
Can I reassure him that his reputation is safe? Or that the reputation of any felines of a large size will not be ridiculed. Or even blamed for the collapse of the European economy? I have heard from some Greek tabby and whites that they are particularly anxious. Admittedly most cats in Greece are slim, due to having to scrounge a poor living. One or two of them, lucky enough to find agreeable humans, have put on enough weight to make imposing figures. If the Greek banking system collapses, will they be at risk? I cannot offer much reassurance. These are worrying times for our reputation.
As you so rightly say, Scaramouche, the limited intelligence of humans (bankers in particular) makes one fear the worst. Should we march upon St Pauls and occupy the objectors' tents? I personally am against this idea. Tents let in the wet and are extremely cold. Possibly we could purrsuade the bankers to do something for us, for a change - structured feline fundholdings, special cat derivatives, collateralised moggy swaps, convertible default special purpose entities? Or just plain free cat food....
Yours with rising anxiety
George
PS. Harry Spotter has added this campaign to his list of political talking points. See this campaign grow at http://spotandfiona.blogspot.com/

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The power of laughter and play to train a human



Dear George,

My name is Zoe and I came from a shelter as my daddy’s birthday gift. I love my new home – it is a big, beautiful house with many sunny spots where I can take a nap or just relax. I’m allowed to go in any room I want to but I’m not allowed to sleep in the master bed yet! But I am happy! They even share dinner with me! So, you might ask why I’m LOL? Well, when they came to pick me up at the shelter…I overheard mommy saying that SHE is not a cat person. Aha! Look at me (in the photo): in less then a week I had her wrapped around my little paws. Now…..she’s in love with me! Of course I make her believe that I’m all hers J and…. this is my little secret (daddy knows)!

But George, I need to learn more tricks to keep her wrapped around my little paws; I have to take over the master bed too! See, I’m young and cute but I don’t have much experience. I’m sure you can help; any ideas, suggestions?

Hugs

Zoe


Dear Zoe,

Congratulations on adopting two new humans from rescue. It was particularly kind of you to choose the female, even though you heard her say she wasn't a "cat person." Sometimes that kind of human gets overlooked by cats thinking of adoption and a new home. These humans haven't been socialised to cats. But, as you are discovering, it is surprisingly easy to rehabilitate them and change their basic attitudes towards cats. All it takes is a little basic training and behaviour modification.

You have started well. The very first essential in any behaviour modification programme (or bmp as we human behaviourists call it for short) is to create and strengthen the bond. The human must look to you to get its needs met. What are these needs? In my opinion humans are starved of appropriate touch, vocalisations and play. We cats supply their cravings for stroking, rubbing, purring, laughter and play. That is how we reward them with our very presence.

Now that you have got her craving the rewards that only you can give her, you can start the secondary training. You need to get her used to the idea that you will visit the bedroom. Little by little. Don't start at night, as she is obviously still anxious about sharing a bed with you. Visit the bedroom during the day, have a little sleep on the bed, or, better still, if she is in the room jump on the bed, lie on your back and give a very enticing wriggle. Few humans can resist either laughing at you or tickling you when you do what is known as the "social roll." Many humans also enjoy it if you play kitten games while they are trying to change the sheets.

The idea is slowly to get her used to the idea that you get on the bed. We academic cats call it "habituation" and "counter conditioning." Instead of worrying about fur on the sheets, she begins to associate you and the bed with laughter and play. Finally, once she is fully at ease with that thought, wait for the moment when you can sneak on. It might be when she takes a nap one afternoon. Or perhaps one Sunday morning when she is drowsing later than usual in the morning.

Jump up quietly. Lie down in a convenient area and purr very very loudly. It usually works and a few weeks later you will be installed as the third person on the bed. Let me know how you get on.

Love George



Wednesday, October 05, 2011

I'm putting my secretary in the veterinary clinic



Dear Feline Readers,
Well, after about four years of regular blogging, I shall have to step down for just this week. My secretary has been ill and needs a surgical operation. On the grounds of human welfare, I have let her off this Saturday's blog. Instead she is helping me put up this notice.
Human pets are essentially unreliable. It is part of their inferior lifestyle that they get all kinds of infections and diseases. I know she hates going to the vet, and even more hates being put into a veterinary hospital. "It's for your own sake," I mewed. She didn't understand me, of course. Poor dumb creature. You can't explain things to them.
Back a week on Saturday. She has been told she can type then.
George.
PS. This is me trying to get that damn blackbird last summer.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Why is Richard so mean to me?

Dear George,
I’m lost in confusion and I need your help. I’m a pure breed or so I was to
ld, apparently expensive too. I got to my new home (a while back) where I was welcomed by “hisses” from no other then Richard, self-named the Lionheart. At the beginning we lived in separate rooms but now we share the house; he is my brother (not my choice). We play a lot but he always wants to rule – he thinks he is the king! I think he is such a mardy! I’m a young, cute kitten and I think he should be nicer to me. When my human mommy is not around I’ve been called ET (whatever this means) or “ugly”. Richard is making fun of me by saying that I’m a “pure breed experiment gone wrong”
He says that he’s “the wild and handsome one”! This is cruel.
What should I do? Should I tell mommy?

Confused
Luna

Dear Luna,
I blame your humans.... they probably thought Richard would like the company. Humans are disgustingly and undiscriminatingly social. They eat together and hang out together all the time. It's quite horrifying to see them in a sort of pack. Irresponsible socialising is their thing. And they think we cats are like them.
Well, we are not. We don't hang out in packs. We might hang out with another cat if we had met in kittenhood but, even if you think Richard is your brother, it is unlikely. Where is your hair? Besides, if we cats are allowed to mate with whom we choose, a litter of kittens can have several fathers. (Humans reading this should remember the survey which suggested one in five children was not fathered by the man who thought they were his! So no sneers about promiscuity, please).
Sometimes we do learn to be friends with other cats: sometimes we just remain aquaintances. Richard was quite rightly upset when a small intruder, you, turned up in his territory. Luckily your humans are not as dumb as most of their species and they introduced you the right way. Richard will eventually calm down (as long as the humans don't punish him) and you will work out a relationship which allows you both to live in the same house. Have patience. Be confident in the feline ability to adapt to most things.
Rolling on your back is a very good idea. It will show Richard that you are not going to pounce on him. And, if things got really bad, you have all four paws with claws to fight him off.
Love
George

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Wicky Wuudler, the wit and wisdom of a great cat.



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Whicky Wuudler, famous character on the feline blogosphere, has passed away. I am in mourning for a great cat.
It was Whicky, with his ironic and post modern comments on this blog, that taught me so much about how we cats should think of humans. He called them “apes.” Perfectly correct terminology. Homo sapiens (don’t laugh at that last word) is part of the primate family and one of the Homidae genus which include other great apes. Whicky’s instinctive grasp of the correct term reminded us cats that humans are only animals – and not very nice ones at that.
He campaigned ceaselessly for proper human training. “The reward of purring should always be earned. I agree that cats should make the apes work hard for a purr., I like to make the ape work hard for even the smallest purr. Be careful though, apes can become quite emotional from purr absence, thus making them ever more grateful if I relent and offer the odd rumble. Remember, grateful apes = 100% subservient apes.”
Another bit of Wicky wisdom was an alternative training method, use of the miaow. “Apes are simple creatures, but they are easily reduced to mush by use of the most powerful weapon a feline has. The Silent Miaow. Just open your mouth as if to miaow, but don't make a sound. Make sure that you are looking up at your ape, keep your eyes wide open - expectant and innocent, try looking slightly pitiful as well. Then let the ape have it. It works every time, your ape will instantly attend to your every need and forget about use of that pointless ape word "no". The Silent Miaow must be used wisely lest the ape becomes used to it."
Whicky, or Mr Wuudler as he occasionally signed himself, was sound on feline basics: “Humans need much supervising in the kitchen. There's another way to ensure that a cat gets to do plenty of "cleaning up". Once the human has served the meal and is wending their way to wherever they want to eat it, wind yourself around their legs until they fall over and the meal lands over a wide area of carpet. The human will get up and stagger off to find cleaning items. When they return (limping) they will be so grateful that you have cleaned up the spilt food for them.
Also, never forget to swipe the bacon from an unguarded bacon sandwich. This is my speciality, a bit like the magicians who whip the tablecloth from the laden table without disturbing the place settings.”
It wasn’t just his wisdom. It was also his wit which made his contributions so valuable. Of Larry, the cat at Number 10 Downing St, he wrote: “Larry has his work cut out for him. The head ape at No. 10 is making life hard for many pets who reside with apes. Shelters are full already and recession means more pets to be dumped at shelters. Yep, Larry is a brave cat to take on ape training at No.10 “.
He also campaigned for an end to the cruel declawing of cats in the USA (see a Facebook page here) and the plight of homeless, starving and unloved cats everywhere. Whicky with his wonky ear was larger than life. Farewell, Whicky. We shall miss you.
George Online Cat.
PS. The photos on this blog are copyright from Everycat blog where more tributes can be found http://everycat.blogspot.com

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org